See what I mean?!

Earlier I posted about my house not always being tidy or quiet or perfect. Here are a few recent examples of that. These are typical around our home...playdough all over the dining table, laughter and 'fighting' and playing the keyboard. It can drive me nuts somedays- to not have spotless floors or time to just put my feet up and relax with no thought of breaking up a scuffle or having to help someone wash their hands or get dressed or any number of things.

Still, this is my life- this is our home. I feel blessed to know that my kids are exposed to a variety of activities and games and art projects. In addition to Tom & Jerry cartoons and hit shows like High School Musical 2. =)

There is a lot of action going on around here. But to me that's what really represents our lives at this point in time. And when there is noise and clutter and crumbs, well, it's okay. Because to me it just feels like home.

Making your heart His home...

I was singing along and listening to the words of an older song by Watermark, "My Heart, Your Home" and for a couple of days now I have been praying about what that means for me. This post is just my thoughts as I think them through...take them or leave them. Or add to them in the comments, if you're moved to do so. =)
I strive everyday to seek to live for God and what He desires in my life. I admit, somedays... MOST days, I fall short and oftentimes I even fall backwards! It is no easy task to try to live a life worthy of what God has called any of us to... being a son or daughter of the Most High One is the ultimate challenge. Yet it is the very reason God created us- He longs to call us His own.
That thought alone can make some want to run the other way- I have been there in my life at times too. That feeling that I will never "be good enough" or that my life is so far from holiness that it seems to not even be worth my effort to try is one that comes and goes- still. It is a struggle to understand the depth of God's love and how He has enough grace to 'cover me'. But that is what the Bible says- Christ died for ALL of us and longs for us to embrace His sacrifice so that we can live as His children.
I've got lots of those (kids), so it is through my role as a mom that I am trying to see and understand more fully how God loves me and what He wants our relationship to be from day to day. My house is lived in...it is a bit of a mess- daily. If it weren't for me, the kids would have it in near shambles...they are young and have alot to learn about being 'tidy'. Yet at the same time, this is where they are most comfortable and free to be themselves. They are learning expectations and finding out what their interests and gifts are in their young lives. When they 'mess things up' or make mistakes, I am often right there to help clean the messes up or to offer guidance and correction. I am happy to be part of their learning process; there is joy in seeing them grow and learn.
Our house is the place where my kids know they are secure and loved no matter what. I hope that they know that they can be open and honest and transparent with their thoughts, emotions, hopes, fears and dreams. In that same way, I can't help but think that this is exactly what God desires from each of us in our relationship with Him. As our Creator and Father, He knows us more than we know ourselves...just like I know and understand my own kids and their strengths and weaknesses more than they can see from their young persepctive. As they grow, and as I grow, I can understand this relationship between myself and God so much more. It is starting to make sense to me that God doesn't want to just be in my thoughts and life on Sunday morning, or when the going gets tough and I feel the need to come to Him in prayer for help. I am beginning to understand and appreciate that He longs to be in every little and every big aspect of my life...as well as everything in between. Not in a way that 'controls' my every move, but in a way that He is a part of my decisions- more that He is 'considered' in my thoughts and deeds out of my love for Him and the realization that HE knows what's best for me. No matter what.
I was thinking about how I would be scouring and cleaning every nook and cranny if I knew that God was coming over to my house today. The fact is I claim that He lives in my life- and therefore I should be ready to 'entertain Him' any time- day or night, tidy or not. If my parents were to drop in unexpected, I would be simply delighted to have them here, and I know they would not judge me for having the shelves dusted or the floors vacuumed. They would be welcome here and I would embrace them and invite them in and it would make my day to have them here. I want my relationship to God to reflect this same desire. I long to live a life that is pleasing to Him...one that is inviting and says, "God, you are welcome here today and everyday; it may not be spotless around here, but I am happy that you are here and I appreciate that you love and care for me and you don't judge me." I thank God for His unconditional love and His grace and mercy in my life- that He is willing to live in my heart knowing full well that I make mistakes and messes along the way is humbling, and yet it is so freeing at the same time.
It makes me feel like a kid again. There is nothing I can do- nothing can change the way God sees me and He loves me no matter what. I hope today God will feel a bit more 'at home' in my heart. It may not be the best on the block or the ultimate 'Parade of Homes'....but it's open to Him and from what I know about Him...that's all He requires from me anyway.
Thank you God for your unending love and grace in me. I do not deserve it...but I thank you for it, and I invite you to be at home in my heart today and always.

Beauty in truth.

I am enjoying a few moments of quiet- absolute quiet- in my home as 3 of my 4 children are at school this morning, and my little Ava is still sound asleep. It is strange, and yet really peaceful for me. My heart feels calm and content. That in itself is beautiful.
I have had time for prayer, reflection and some words to feed my soul from my daily devotional, "Our Daily Bread".
Often I find that whatever topic is covered for any particular day, there is something that touches me in a profound way. Today's reading was perfect. My dear girlfriends- the SIStv fashionistas- have had some discussions about relationships- especially those of married couples recently. As I read the devotional today, I just felt it would be good to share here- that maybe someone needs this reminder in their own life.
Here is what it said...
"My Prince"
People around the world reacted with shock in September 2006 when news broke that Steve Irwin, the “Crocodile Hunter,” had died. His enthusiasm for life and for God’s creatures was contagious, making him a favorite personality worldwide.
When his wife Terri was interviewed shortly after Steve’s death, her love for him was obvious as she said through her tears, “I’ve lost my prince.” What an affectionate way to memorialize her husband! She saw him as her prince and her best friend.
The husband-wife relationship is often viewed today as anything but the tender one Terri and Steve must have shared. We see bitterness, insults, and animosity presented in the media as the norm. How much more desirable it is to see true love—to see a husband unashamedly cherish his wife, to unselfishly be her “prince.”
How can a husband continue to love his wife in a more princely way? Try these suggestions: Listen—enjoy those tender times when she can unburden her heart without fear. Love life—find ways to add fun to your marriage. Lead spiritually—guide the way into prayer and intimate fellowship with the Lord.
Men, be a prince to your princess. —Dave Branon
Honor your wife and in love with her dwell,
Yield to the Savior and all will be well;
Peace He will give to both husband and wife,
Blessing their marriage with joy throughout life.
—Anon.
"Marriage thrives in a climate of love and respect."
I just thought there was so much beauty and truth in what was written in those paragraphs. So contrary to what we DO see and hear in the limelight these days. It is encouraging for me to know that love is a higher calling and that it can be a part of our lives if we choose to embrace it and grow it and uphold it. I think ALL relationships thrive in a climate of love and respect. I hope to create that climate in my home, in my friendships, and in my classroom later on today too. =)

The 'pain of letting go'...

I have felt it all too 'real' in my life- the ultimate pain of 'letting a loved one go'. It is something that tugs at my heart everyday since Teagan's death. I had no idea how much this same feeling- this sense of giving up and moving on and realizing that change is inevitable would grip my heart just because school is about to begin. But that's what my heart is feeling. I know that the start of a school year and sending kids off to kindergarten and third grade does not begin to compare to the depth and nature of death, but still, there are a lot of memories flooding my mind as the summer draws to a close and the school year begins.
I so clearly remember some of the conversations I had with Teagan just days before she died unexpectedly- she was just weeks away from starting preschool for the first time. I wasn't ready for that to happen- she was my oldest (age 4) of three kids at that time...and I was fearing having to 'give her up' and share her time elsewhere. I remember thinking I wish I could just stop time and hold her forever. Little did I know that I would wish that same wish every night for months to come. My heart ached constantly and wanted her back...I missed everything about her- even saying her name. I still do. And sometimes I whisper her name throughout the day...just because it makes me smile.
There is something so strong, so unspeakable about the love of a mother and her children, and in today's world where there is often so much uncertainty and unexpected circumstances that can arise, that it is a wonder any mom's {and dad's too!} send their kids anywhere. Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled with the school my kids are attending, and I wouldn't send them somewhere I didn't know and trust them to go, but there is a part of a mother's heart that just wants to hold on forever. Especially when I've already let go once...I understand the reality of life and how quickly the days are fleeting and I know that my kids won't be 'mine' forever.
I am excited that they are about to start a new phase in their lives. I can't hardly believe that Wyndham is going to kindergarten and I am anxious to see what she will prove to us she can do with this next challenge.
Like one of our best friend's says, "Sometimes I wish I could just flip to the end of the story of your lives...cause I just can't imagine how it's going to turn out." I feel the same way at times. Except for moments like these...as I sit on the edge of the next phase...and a part of my heart just wants to lay the book down and savor this chapter for as long as I can.
I know there is more...more adventure, more fulfilment, more learning, more joy, more challenges, and more grace for the journey. But that means this moment has to turn into a memory. A piece of our history. I know full well that means I have to let go...time moves on. You might not know it from the looks of it on this blog, but I am a bit "old-fashioned" and I LOVE my kids and the messes they make and the songs we sing and I enjoy washing their clothes and helping them get breakfast and lunch and dinner, and going outside and reading books and...
Now I have to share them with someone else for a good portion of their week. I wish I weren't so selfish. I know I've got some growing to do of my own.
I have a feeling that I'm going to be whispering more names during the course of my days in the next few weeks. Don't call me crazy. I have a feeling a lot of you might be doing the same. You know what I'm talking about...and it's okay. It's all part of letting go.

Guess who's going 'back to school'?

If you answered me to the title of this post, you're right! Most of my family and friends don't even know about this next adventure in my life- it all happened rather suddenly. Or at least it wasn't something that I had been considering.
I made this little notebook for myself- notice the word "learn" on the cover. I am hoping to learn a thing or two...but the truth is I will be teaching high school students. As if I need more 'drama' in my life, right?! =) Really, I am excited to be able to use some of my creative gifts and also be involved with the people at my childrens' school. We have them enrolled at a small, private school and I am anxious to get to know some of the team that teaches and guides my kids' learning and education. I will be working alongside another teacher- we are sharing the hours so I will be there 3 afternoons a week. I will be overseeing the Yearbook class- which is an elective for the students who are in it- and I am hoping to be a valuable tool/resource to help guide and direct the layout, creative design and content.
I know I've said it before, but this time I really mean it. =) If I suddenly start posting sparatically or less frequently, it's not for lack of material...but rather the 'overflow' of life and me trying to balance and prioritize the things that matter most. Not that my blog doesn't 'matter' to me, but rather a blog will wait...when other things won't or simply can't. So, wish me luck...or maybe you should wish the students and administrators luck as they take me on as part of their weekly routine. =) I think it's going to end up being a fun learning experience for all involved.
Now....does anyone out here in Nitty.Gritty.Land. have some great tips/ideas for how I can increase the advertising sales for a school yearbook? I could use your links or expertise. I'll bet there are a few 'sales-driven' readers...care to share? =)
Have a safe and happy Labor Day tomorrow. I plan on sleeping in for the last time this summer. Why would I want to waste a good extra hour or two of sleep?!! I know I'll thank myself early Tuesday morning.

I do some of my best thinking....

at Starbuck's. I think I should go there more often. Especially now that Pumpkin Spice Lattes are back in season. Mmmmm. For a little over $3, I am full of ideas and smiling today. All due to the simple goodness of a non-fat, extra-hot pumpkin spice latte.
That card reads, "Lattes are the new birthday cake." If that's true, then I have no problem with birthdays...bring 'em on! =)
Hope life offers you a simple joy today. Even if it's a whiff of a hot latte.

On my mind...

As the days draw closer for school to start, it reminds me again how much I miss Teagan and it makes me wonder each year, just what she might look like, how grown up she would be as she would be anticipating a new beginning. My heart used to ache for the things I missed out on because of her unexpected death.
But this year, as I started imagining her and trying to 'fit her' into our lives based on what her age would be (she would be 10 yrs. old and about to start 5th grade!) I just couldn't. My mind just can't even wrap around my 4 year old being in middle school. As much as that makes my heart hurt and the tears burn in my eyes, it is just as much a blessing in my life. To know that I can't mentally bring her back into the picture of my real-life actually stirs my soul from sadness to one of joy and peace.
For I know that Heaven cannot begin to compare to the experiences that the rest of us go through from day to day. I know that Teagan is in Heaven, and it is a comfort to me like no other. The fact is she DID miss out on a lot of things here on earth. But none of them would be worth coming back to this world for. The things I found myself realizing the past few days is that she is only missing out on the bad, the scary, the nerve-wracking, the hurtful. School can be a wonderful time for kids- and it should be. But when I think back to that time in my life I can also recall tears that I shed over things like "friends" talking behind my back, or having my feelings crushed for whatever the reason may have been. There were times I got picked last for the team, that I forgot my locker combination or that I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw and it threatened my self-image and esteem for a long time. I remember the mixed emotions inside me at that time in my life. Sometimes I just wanted to be silly and innocent and free...yet I knew that life was beginning to expect more from me and there were demands and expectations that I knew existed and I just didn't want to let anyone down. Least of all, me.
What I imagine now when I look ahead to the coming days and years is that, yes, I am sad to a certain degree that Teagan isn't here to be a part of our 'memories'. Everyday I find I miss her presence and all she would add to our lives. Yet it makes my heart glad to know that she is not missing out on any goodness, love or grandeur. She is in Heaven- the place we all wish to be someday. Chip and I have laughed together and enjoyed fond memories of her... but some of our sweetest are ones that we never had to actually experience. She never dated the 'wrong guy'. She never had a broken heart. She never had to feel rejected or unloved or insecure or unimportant or uncertain. She lived a life of joy and gladness- more in her 4 short years than some will ever experience in a lifetime.
Just this past weekend it has been 6 years since we had our first memorial service for Teagan. I remember that day so vividly. Chip and I had never fathomed such a day would actually occur in our lives. We couldn't begin to imagine how we would feel, what we would do, or how we would get through such an unimaginable event. Nothing in life prepares you to say a final goodbye to the one you love- especially when just days before Teagan had been the light of our lives, the joy in our hearts and one of the main things that our whole lives centered on from morning til night. She would laugh and dance and run and play and talk and hug and kiss- almost non-stop. And suddenly that was gone.
One moment stands out in my mind as the most difficult and surreal moment of our tragedy and her death. As we prepared to head to the church for her memorial service, we were surrounded by family and friends whose hearts were broken alongside ours. We had lots of family and friends staying with us, and so we drove several vehicles to the church. I was the last to leave our house- along with my mom and dad and my aunt Dorie. I was unable to walk at that time because of the extensive nerve, muscle and tissue damage in my legs as a result of my injuries, and so I had been using a wheelchair, as well as trying to use crutches.
There were three steps to manuever down our front entry way for me to reach my wheelchair. I was deteremined to walk down them on my own- with the aid of my parents at my side. As I stood on that top step, my heart, mind and body literally froze. I could not move. My parents thought at first, that I was just in so much pain and needed to take my time.
But the fact was that I was so heartbroken that I physically couldn't take another step forward. I knew it would be admitting to myself the reality of what faced me- just moments away- the final farewell to my little Teagan and the beginning of my life without her in it. It just didn't seem possible, and I was frozen in that moment not wanting time to move ahead even one more second.
It is that same sense that I feel at times like these- as I watch my other kids grow and transition and look forward to their future in new and exciting ways. It's true, Teagan never got to do some of the things parents dream for their kids from the moment they are born. But it is me who is missing out on such dreams. Not her. She's in Heaven; and I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the beauty that graces her now.
With that, I have to share a quote by Emily Dickinson that was printed inside a card that a close friend of ours gave to us just before Teagan's service. It says,
"This world is not conclusion, a sequel stands beyond,
invisible, as music, but positive, as sound."
One day I know we will write the ending of our stories, together. For all eternity!

Scrappin' and summertime!

There is this thing going on at our house- that realization that summer is almost over and we need to pack in some major fun! It's not that I haven't had anything to post or write about. On the contrary. But knowing that in just one week life will be back to a routine and schedule that won't allow for such spontaneous fun and freedom has changed the focus and priorities at home just a bit.

Fortunately the weather forecasters must understand and sense such urgency, because the temperatures have been hot the past few days and the sun has been shining. We capitalized on such weather all day yesterday...splashing and playing and taking in all the fun that dollar ring tubes and sidewalk chalk can inspire. =) There were lots of opportunities for picture-taking...although I didn't even get any of the orange push-ups that dripped all over the smiling faces of my kids when it was time to cool off. You see fewer pictures of Wyndham than the other kids, because she prefers to sit in the shade and watch the fun happen from her comfy vantage point. Although as soon as my memory stick was full, she did come out and sat in the kiddie pool and splashed and played with her sisters. Maybe she was just waiting for the right time. =)

Sunday night we had the privilege of enjoying the company of our friends-for-life, the Willetts. Chip made his famous ribs...and we ate and talked and our kids sang and danced to High School Musical cds the whole time.

There is something so special about being in the company of people you love so much, just talking and playing guitar; singing along outdoors and realizing that God has blessed you abundantly with the gift of friendship. I hope they enjoyed their time as much as we did. Even if they didn't have as much fun as us, I know they enjoyed dessert....Chip's Vanilla Bean Creme Brulee. Everyone's ramekin dish was nearly licked clean...it was that tasty!

In all my 'free time', I've been doing a bit of scrapping {the peek you see here is in full at my SIS gallery if you click this link...}, lots of cleaning and organizing of my scrap stuff, and feeling grateful that creativity can be something as simple as playing with pictures and scrap products. If you haven't done so yet, and even if you're not a scrapper, I invite you to stop by the SIStv website and just take a peek at what's going on over there. There is so much- from message boards with various topics- many scrap related, but some just sharing favorite recipes or reminiscing about songs from the 70's and 80's. You never know what you might find, or who you might connect with- no matter the time of day. It's a fun, non-threatening, fun place to meet and enjoy 'doing life' with others.

I hope you're summer is wrapping up with lots of energy and excitement. Even if there is stress in your life at such a time, I challenge you to put one or two 'pressing things' on hold...and create a moment of two of joy. Go out for one last ice cream cone. Take a long walk near a park or lake. Grab a camera and snap some random photos of your kids as they ride their bikes or eat watermelon. These are the days to hold on to. The ones that someone is going to look back and remember as childhood memories. Or if they're YOUR memories, you will simply be glad you took the time to breathe, enjoy and soak in. That's what makes life so wonderful. The everyday moments that we elevate to cherished memories become the events that make life worth living. Appreciating them and celebrating them as they happen is a bonus gift along the way!

Doing your part...

Some of you may remember that photo of me and Capt. Dan Rooney from earlier this year when he was recognized at the Mentor West Michigan Sports Awards banquet. His work and passion for the Fallen Heroes Foundation is worthy and inspiring.
This Saturday, Septemeber 1st, is officially declared Patriot Day, and Dan's efforts in dreaming up and following through with his passion and heart for those have given the ultimate sacrifice in service to this country what has brought this day into reality.
There have been several articles and various media attention given to such a worthy cause, this one from Golf Digest. Another commentary is here at GolfWeek and yet another link for more information on how to personally get involved is here, at Play Golf America.com.
CBS recently did a special presentation on this upcoming Patriot Day and it was featured during the PGA Championship. You can watch that piece by following this link.
For those who may not know my connection and association with Dan, it is through my husband, Chip. Chip is the General manager/Director of Golf at Grand Haven Golf Club of which Dan and his parents are owners. Dan works closely with Chip in regards to the Club operations and I have had the privilege over the past few years to get to know Dan and his whole family as friends. I have personally been challenged and been filled with pride at times for all that Dan seeks to do in life- personally, professionally and spiritually. He has an intensity and passion for so many things- and this foundation has been one that has come straight from his heart and turned into an amazing opportunity for so many to share their hearts and pride with the families who have lost loved ones in service.
I am happy to be a small part of Dan's efforts and I hope that some of you might take advantage of this upcoming opportunity to do something so small- get your local golf club involved, or personally give to the Fallen Heroes Foundation- as a small way to thank the families whose lives have been changed forever, and who have given so much.
Thank you Dan...thank you service families...thanks to those who have sacrificed their all. It is an honor to recognize and thank each of you today.

Some of my *new best friends*...

Yesterday, before I met these women, I knew only that we were a group of people who had three things in common...we live in Michigan, we have been involved with Scrap In Style TV, and we love scrapbooking. We met up at a scrapbook store...some of them drove several miles to get there and spent ALL DAY at the store. I was able to be there for the afternoon and evening, and it was a blessing in my life.
These girls were more than just women with MI driver's licenses and lots of ribbon in their stash! They were funny, inspiring, encouraging, entertaining, thoughtful, great cooks, and to top it off they all had big hearts. I fell in love with my 'scrapping' and the role it plays in my life even more after my time with this group. They let me talk a mile a minute, they let me scrap at half that speed =); they laughed at my stories, they made me feel like the time I spend doing scrap stuff is so very worth my energy. And sometimes I question it...I really do. I wonder if there is something else that I should bump up in my list of things I could/should do and make scrapping less of a priority.
They assured me in words, thoughts and actions, that it is serving a big purpose in my life. It was an amazing feeling for me to make a spiritual connection between life and scrapping. It may even sound ridiculous to some. But for me, it was nothing short of a blessing- to realize that when I scrap, my heart and soul is in the very place it is meant to be at times.
Hi to any of you girls in the picture here. I hope you know you are now a part of my ever-growing circle of friends. And I couldn't be happier about that. I hope you are too!

The rest of the "happy" story...

I had the rare opportunity to watch about 10 minutes of the Oprah Show yesterday. I was outside mowing the grass {I LOVE the smell of earth and fresh cut grass!} while my girls played with chalk and bubbles, and got to a point where it was too hot and humid and we all needed to take a little break. We went inside to the coolest spot in the house...the downstairs family room. I turned on the tv and flipped to the Oprah Show- just to see the topic of the day. It happened to be about happiness...so I stayed to watch and listen for the last 10 minutes of the show. That is where my thoughts and this post come from today.
I can't say I am an expert on happiness- I haven't written any books on it or done lengthy studies on it- remember, I didn't even see the whole show yesterday. However, I can speak from my own heart and experiences and hopefully offer another perspective- one that if it even touches one soul who needs to hear it differently, will make this worth my time.
I first have to say that I admire Oprah and all her efforts to make this world a better place and to encourage others to 'live their best life'. I think a lot of what she says and does and how she spends her time and money are very honorable and inspiring. She brings out the best in so many people, and her presence seems to lift hearts and souls so often. We need people like this in the world- people willing to seek out good and to make changes where they see needs. I love that about her.
However, at the end of yesterday's show, I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness for some of the people that might have been watching and listening to the thoughts on happiness and how to have it in life. The part I happened to catch was 'feel good' and even inspiring...basically telling people that happiness exists inside of everyone. You just need to let the past go and look inside to find your happiness. Sounds like great advice, right?! I admit, it did sound good and I believe it might even be the best thing for some people to do in their life. But I just couldn't help but wonder if maybe this equation isn't quite the 'one size fits all' answer for everybody.
I thought first about my own life and my past. My situation is extreme compared to some, but still, it made me stop and think. I couldn't help but imagine that there were people in the 'viewing audience' yesterday who might be in the midst of one of life's extreme hurts. No matter if it is self-imposed or not. As in my own case, being happy just by looking 'inward' never would have been enough to pull me through to the point in life where I find myself today- a place of contentment and peace.
My mind raced thinking of the different people whom I have 'met' just through this blog in recent months- all sorts of stories and hurts in life that people are struggling with- from car accidents and deaths of loved ones, to cancer- from babies to adults, to broken marriages and relationships, to devastating losses of jobs and the reality of financial struggles. Others have shared stories of infertility and the ache that never ends in their hearts for the longing of a baby of their own. Then there are some who have written about hurts and mistakes of their past- things that affect the way they see the world every single day. Without even looking beyond those people in my circle of family and friends, and those who email me after reading this blog, I can see that there is a lot of hurt and 'unhappiness' in this world. It made my heart ache a little bit and it just didn't seem as though this "happiness is inside you" solution was enough for the people I imagined hearing it's message yesterday.
It got me thinking. Really thinking, about what IS happiness and where DOES it come from. It seems like such a simple concept- something that the basis of this American nation is founded upon- the idea that everyone has the right to pursue it. Yet we can't deny that there are thousands of unhappy people in this country. Something isn't adding up here.
While I totally support the idea that everyone deserves the opportunity for happiness in life, it seems that it isn't as easy as it sounds. Back when it was actually put in writing I think there were a lot of people with a clear vision and Hope for this nation and its people. Since that time a lot of things have happened...a lot of things have changed.
Define happiness.
I'll bet every person has a slightly different (or even great) definition to happiness. There is a wide spectrum of what it takes/what it means to be happy- each individual determining their baseline on their own experiences and circumstances. Therefore, what makes me happy doesn't necessarily make you happy. So, how do people begin to find something that is based on 'happenings'?
I've written in previous posts here about happiness and contentment and joy. I think there are some important distinctions between these three seemingly similar characteristics. It is far too easy to confuse them at times.
One of the things I have come to learn about happiness in my own life is that it is temporary. It is based on what is happening or going on in life. When things are going well, it's easy to be happy. There are various things that bring happiness- but I have learned to be careful, because things and circumstances can change all too suddenly.
The idea of just 'looking inward' to find happiness is a great concept. But I couldn't help but jump back in time just over 6 years ago to the last meal I shared with my little girl. We were eating Sunday brunch; enjoying a perfectly sunny, summer afternoon. Teagan was eating chocolate chip pancakes, when suddenly, without warning our lives were shattered, her life came to an abrupt end, and our happiness was shattered.
We hadn't taken our eyes off of our immediate state of happiness. We did nothing to deserve such unsettling, life-altering circumstances...yet they touched us in an ugly way and altered our lives forever.
It is out of such experinces that I have learned that while, yes, it is a nice theory, that happiness is just inside of us, the truth is that we are ALL broken people who live in a broken and fallen world. Our happiness is limited to the actions and courses of others who cross our paths, or simple the fallen state of this broken world in which we live. Which, at any given time can cause hurt, destruction, pain and shatter our happiness without warning. I am thinking just in the past few weeks of the MN bridge collapse which touched so many people are caused hurt and grief...I think of the deaths of the troops in a helicopter crash, or of my new friend Christine- whose young husband has brain cancer, or of the tornadoes and flooding in the midwest, the hurricanes and earth quakes. All sorts of 'acts of nature' or tragic accidents that struck without warning, innocent- maybe happy even, people.
{Okay. This is getting really long...so if you're still reading, I thank you for staying with my thoughts and ideas here!}
I guess what I felt after watching those few moments of Oprah is that I can support the idea of everyone deserving happiness in life...and even support people trying to find it. But to think that it is something that simply comes from within us just didn't seem fair for me to accept as truth. So I write here, at Nitty.Gritty. to tell the rest of the story- to offer my perspective and insight. Because I think there are too many people that need to hear that there IS more to happiness than just looking inside.
For me, as I've mentioned before, there is the idea and reality of Joy and contentment. These two concepts are very different than happiness, but I would argue are worth seeking, far more than simple happiness because they have lasting impact. Happiness is often short-lived. It is a feeling we get when things go our way, or when something happens to create a sense of well-being, it is based on our immediate circumstances- whether they are affected by person, places, or things. I like to think that it is infinitely more important to have a sense of contentment and Joy inside- which I believe only comes through faith- because life really can't create happiness and bliss and euphoria for all of us all the time. It's not reality- as I have said, we live in a broken world. We can't control everything that comes our way.
But, we can determine to rise above situations and circumstances that threaten to steal our happiness, our joy, our peace...and in so doing, I think we find strength and it is this 'freedom' then, that we can live no matter what may befall us in this world- good or bad. {I wrote about this earlier this week.}
I hope that after all this, that something here makes sense- if even to one person who is seeking to understand happiness, contentment, joy and peace. Without faith, and looking to something beyond myself- something bigger than me- I know I wouldn't be living the life I have today. Teagan didn't sacrifice her life and happiness simply because she failed to look inside herself. No. I don't believe that for a second. But I do believe that her life has meaning and that her soul lives beyond what I can see in this world. To me, that brings comfort, joy and peace. My happiness has been affected- sometimes more than I ever imagined it could be...but my faith and Joy have not been shaken. I have looked deep inside, and I know that is a big part of finding real Joy. I have learned that I am one small being...but by leaning on God and handing Him the hurts of my life, I have learned therein lies the strength I have needed to live with happiness and joy. Not just on the good days. But everyday.

Bravery.

Yesterday my definition of bravery was tied closely to the idea of stupidity. It was a fine line. Here's what happened.
I decided to try online photo processing and spent much of the afternoon waiting for LOTS of pictures to get uploaded and then I placed an order to be picked up at my local Walgreens. Easy. That part was easy.
The part where it took some bravery was when I had to load up 4 young children...at dinnertime...and tote them to the store and into said store to pick up my finished photos. I could have waited for Chip to pick them up for me on his way home from work. But that wouldn't have required much bravery or challenge on my part. The other factor here is that I am now a real-life obsessive scrapper at times. Pictures will make me do crazy things. Brave things. Not always the smartest things...you get the picture. =)
I was actually fairly impressed with my young brood as we walked through our Walgreens. They did want to add some candy lipsticks and remote controls to my photo purchase...but I held my ground and stuck with the pics and a buy one, get one free hair color. Just the necessities.
To reward their good behavior, and to justify a trip to Walgreens for pictures at dinnertime, I took them all to Wendy's. Now THAT was brave. And if nothing else, I hope that it inspires some of you parents with fewer children than I, to go on brave outings in your own life. The chocolate frostys were worth it to me. By that part of our trip, my kids all thought I was "the best mom ever". =) I guess it's not a bad thing to be brave from time to time. The only thing I didn't get from that memorable outing was a picture of all of us. Being brave together!

Just a trial gig...

But I find it interesting. I added a little counter on the sidebar of my blog listing by city where some of you are reading from.
Brock is probably going to get into this new feature more than I am. It's probably a good thing for us to all start gearing our minds toward things like simple geography lessons, as school is just around the corner. Now if only I could get a counter to keep track of the number of loads of laundry I do per week at my house. Chip would see I'm not as big of a slacker mom as it sometimes appears that I am around here. =)
Good thing I don't keep log of minutes I spend blogging. It can't be all that much more than the number of loads of laundry I do. Or can it? =)
Have fun seeing your city/country scroll by!

The lazy days of summer...

I did some more {quick!!} scrapping today, as well as baking and just hanging out with my kids today. The summer is soon coming to an end and we're just having fun filling our time with simple, good memories. I know I'm going to miss the long, leisure mornings. There's just something in me and all my kids that loves staying in 'loungeware' for most of the day. =) But I also have to admit I love the thought of jeans and sweatshirts and fall flavors.

So we pulled out a recipe just to get us in the mood for fall...apple crisp. Mmmmm. Ava was totally into it. Sweet memories indeed.

Flashback...old school.

I told you I was looking through 'old photos' this past weekend. I actually scrapped a couple of my senior pictures as I played with the latest goodies pictured here from the SIS Sonora High Class of '79 Collection. It's a whole bunch of really fun stuff, and I made a mini book so far. You can see all the pages here, if you like. Of course I had to make an owl too. =)
I was having flashbacks- good and bad memories all rolled together. That's what high school and growing up was for me. I really had some times that I wish I could change...yet I see how they have helped me become who I am now.
Good and bad.
The past really means so much more to me now.
It makes me stop and think. And reflect and choose direction for my present and my future.
I love that I have 'control' over the choices I make each day.
I love that each day is a new day. My friends- the SIS Fashionistas- and I were talking about this in some messages recently.
I spent time talking with my mom and dad when I was with them in Minnesota just a week or so ago too.
I think it is one of my passions in life. To live intentionally. To live with purpose. To live simply and yet to live a life of meaning.
I think it's what most of us would say we want in the end- to have lived a life that meant something. To someone or to something. To dedicate our lives, not to getting more stuff; to accumulating wealth and stauts....but to live a life that enhances the life of people and places we touch along the way. Whether it is a good cause that affects a lot of people, or whether we quietly encourage or mentor those in our small circles of life.
I fell asleep last night content. Content and with the understanding that good and bad happens. Good and bad touches all of us. Good and bad has shaped and will continue to influence my life. But I can choose to live in this moment- with Purpose. What an amazing, yet simple concept.
It's strange and almost out-of-body in a sense the way I 'see life' sometimes. There are days I live and enjoy the moment- almost as if the present is a 'flashback'. Losing Teagan has affected my perspective so deeply and it has shaped my present so profoundly. I miss the past at times, but because of that the present is such a gift to me. Her death, in some odd sense, has allowed me to 'glimpse my future'. I know that my kids are young for a short time and that one day, what I have right now- this moment- willl be just a memory. Thus, I live today almost as if it is my past....I am sensatized to my present in new ways. I live for each moment. Good and bad.
I have glimpsed my future and it has heightened the awareness of the present, and allows me to appreciate my past.
Good and bad.

Reminders...

This is Chip after he had been in the hospital for nearly a week after our incident in July '01. I was looking through some photos this weekend ("old photos"...the ones we have actually printed out from our film camera days) =) and that same day I got an email from Chip. It was short and sweet; really simple.
But the combination of that note and this picture struck me in a profound way and made me realize that I needed a reminder. Maybe you need the same one, which is why I am posting it here. That reminder is how often I miss opportunities to tell people around me how much I love and appreciate them in my life. Or even simply forget to look at how fortunate I am from day to day.
I feel like I do a pretty good job of loving my life and the people around me- but then again I know there is always room for improvement. It takes little effort to compose a three word email saying, "I love you" or "I miss you" or "I care alot"- and even less effort to hit 'send'. Yet I go days at a time without sending little notes or being thoughtful and sometimes I am even critical to people around me. {No lie...I'm not perfect and sometimes I gripe and complain and say hurtful things to people I care about!}
This picture is a reminder to me that although Chip's scars have healed really well and time has gone on since then, that there was a moment in time when things weren't so rosy and we nearly lost each other. We have stepped it up in that we love and care for each other deeply and we have been through a lot. But we sometimes still need little reminders such as this- taking those opportunities that come- or creating opportunities when it's been awhile (like going out on a date, giving your loved one a special card, or flowers for no reason other than you can...and you care) just to show in reality what is truly in your heart.
I remember how much pain consumed our lives and hearts when this picture was taken. What I see now when I look at this picture is how much I really cared. I care even more, years later. Looking back. Remembering. Being grateful and appreciating each moment.
Little things sometimes get lost in the hustle of life.
But it's often the littlest things that mean the most.
I love you, Chip.
In case you needed reminding today.

How to look younger...get a haircut. =)

He wasn't thrilled to get his haircut...but school is coming and we had to do it. We're all getting used to it. And it's starting to grow on us. Pun totally intended. =)

Commercial break.

This is what we did during one of the commercial breaks last night in the middle of "High School Muscial 2"...a self-timer photo shoot in the masterbath. The light is best in there at night. In addition we could listen to hear when the show was about to come back on. So we didn't miss a thing.

Good times.

Summertime.

I am dreading the back-to-school bedtimes already.

This late-night "party-ing" is just so much fun!