Beyond the fluff of Valentine's...

What I would love to write in this space today is how dreamy and sappy it is to be celebrating Valentine's Day with my true love. Who doesn't want the perfect love story at some point in their life?! Especially on Valentine's Day. But the truth and reality in this great big world of ours- even on Valentine's Day- or maybe especially so on Valentine's Day!- is that true love isn't as pretty and sweet as the cards, flowers, dark chocolates and fairytales that consume this holiday would like us all to believe. Those things are great. They are awesome and special even! They do say, "I love you" and they can certainly communicate what is in one's heart. I am not writing off dark chocolate sea-salt caramels wrapped up with a bow ever! But I am sharing my own heart and thoughts about what I have learned love to be. And I can tell you, it's not all rosy and chocolates.
In fact the deepest, most pure love that I have ever experienced in my 41 years of life most often has been shown to me not in the form of a tangible gift at all. It hasn't been showered on me when life has been it's prettiest. It has been in some of the deepest, darkest pits of life that I have felt loved, supported, cherished and comforted. The times when I look back in my life and know that love was holding me are times when flowers and chocolates would have failed, and even felt offensive as a gift of love. It strikes me as interesting that when I have needed love and care the most in my life that the most thoughtful, most meaningful gesture of love has been simply having someone sit next to me and weep with me, or hold me close and cry with me.
Love has shown itself faithful and true to me in an embrace at the airport in Chicago standing next to baggage claim.
It has stood by me as we sang, "It is well with my soul" as we said good-bye to Teagan at her memorial services.
Love has lifted me when I felt I couldn't bring myself to say, "I forgive you". Love was wrapped around me when I claimed that truth and it helped set my heart free.
Love was there when I cried out and wept over a load of fresh, warm whites to fold and found myself unable to breathe. It whispered to my heart, "look to the Heavens and trust me for your very breath".
Love has wrapped its tiny newborn finger around mine and made me believe in joy and Hope in this world again.
It has gotten up with me in the middle of the night, too many times to count, and helped give a shower or start a load of laundry and held a sick child.
Love has walked in the door and placed take-out on the counter. Too many times to count that as well. =)
It has scrapped the snow off the windshield and started the vehicle so that the inside was warm for travel.
Love tells me to "text him a grocery list" and says "no problem" when I say thank you for doing that errand/chore for our family again. And again. And again.
True love has shown me that it's not a tiny box wrapped with a big bow at precisely the right moment in time that reveals the heart, but the way it grins and smiles and says, "you look beautiful" even after a sleepless night or a ruthless day spent just trying to keep my head above water. Love looks at me when I am at my worst and says, "There is nobody in the whole world I would rather be next to at this moment in time, except you."
Love has dared to say that it would be easier for us to be apart, but it is far better to hang on and trudge forward together. Love has believed in the future of us even when the present has looked dim, and the questions outnumber the answers in life.
Love has said, "I'm sorry...I messed up...and I'm trying." It has allowed me to say the very same things.
Love has seen the ugly side of me. More than once. And yet it stands by my side to this very day.
Love has taught me so many things about God, others and myself.
It has been poured out to me in unexpected people, places and things. It has been undeserved, unmerited, and unleashed to me since as far back as I can remember.
Love has changed me, saved me, redeemed me, and it makes me want to be a better me. Not just today. Not because of flowers. Or chocolate or any other thing that can be bought or sold.
True love comes from the heart, comes from Above, and comes in such subtle ways that I sometimes miss seeing just how beautiful it is.
Today- this Valentine's Day- seems as fitting a day as ever for me to pause and look back and say thanks. To all the Love I have been given in this life. I am humbled, grateful, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for such love. I only hope I can shower some of my love and gratitude back to God, to Chip who has showered me with so much and still gives me all these years, and to my family, friends and strangers too. One of my favorite things about true love is that it never runs out, gets old, dries up or falls short. It can be given and shared and it only grows from there!

The day that Daddy came back.

 

It's 3:47am. I am blogging. That means a couple of things are going on. One is that I am awake and my mind is spinning. The other thing is that the house is quiet and calm because everyone else is sleeping. I guess this is the only time I have available to blog in my life as there is never a dull moment in my day. This also explains the lack of posts. I am usually asleep at this time of the night. I already know I am going to regret being up right now and doing this, even in just 4 hours or so. But I am here for now. So I will squeeze in as much as I can- even though the past few weeks in the life of the Ferlaaks deserves it's own book. It's been that wild and crazy!
But even a tad fun.
And a whole lot of amazing.
And that is why my head is spinning and I am here typing.
Sometimes life gets going. Going in a certain direction. Other times it just stands still. And it drags. Or just is. Still at other times life starts moving, and I can tell something is up. I might not always know why or what or how come, but there's a feeling that something is going on.
That is what I write of today.

To do so, I need to finish a blogpost that I started a couple of weeks ago, and never got around to finishing, much less posting. It was a typical summer morning. Chip got up, showered and was saying his goodbyes for the day. The kids aren't always awake. At least not all of them. And sometimes some are eating breakfast and playing on the iPads and Chip and I have yet to get up. We're all over the place with our schedule in the summer. We like late nights {not normally as late as the one I am having right now!} and long mornings. We have very little on our agendas. Except to say goodbye and give Daddy hugs and kisses before he leaves for work.
This particular morning Chip was saying his goodbyes and as he did I could just begin to hear Teague start to fuss in his bedroom. He still sleeps in a crib {he just turned 3 and we love that he loves his crib and stays put in there!} and so someone has to come and get him out each morning. He got a bit louder just as Chip was putting his hand on the doorknob to leave, and I looked at Chip and said, "Go now so Teague won't have a meltdown saying goodbye". That's what Teague does.
He loves his daddy. He loves his dad a whole lot. With Chip's long hours at work in the summer, sometimes we don't see him a whole lot. So when Chip leaves, Teague cries. And throws a fit on the front step. Then Chip leaves and feels guilty. And I am left with a little guy doing limp body and fussing in the front step for several minutes some mornings. It makes me want to drink more coffee. That's what was ahead of us if Chip stuck around while I got Teague up, so instead Chip quickly left, and I went to go get Teague out of his bed. He started to fuss louder when I got him out. I gave him some morning hugs and kisses. But he just put on his best pouty face and started crying. "Do you want some orange juice, Teague?" "Do you want your little lamby and yellow blankie?" I started asking questions. "Calm down, mister...it's morning time and we get to have a fun day!" This is what I was saying to him as his crying started to get louder and louder. The other kids had joined my question party by this time and they were all using their "happy voices" wishing him a good morning and offering kisses and other ideas like toaster waffles.
Nothing was working.
I just held him for a minute longer. He kept on crying. I asked him to "use your words" and tell Mommy what's wrong. His crying finally got quieter, and he looked right at me and said, "I wanted to give Daddy a kiss."
My heart basically melted.
He had been listening to the other kids say their goodbyes, and he had no way of getting in on the hugs and kisses and send-off. I was happy to finally know that there actually was a "real problem" and my "real solution" was that we could call Daddy on his phone and say good morning and goodbye all at once. I took Teague to the kitchen to get my phone and I told him my plan. I dialed Chip and he answered. Which I typically don't like him to do if he's in a car. "What's up?" he asked. He never knows what to expect when I call him. I don't do it often, but there's always a 50/50 that it's a good or bad thing. I said, "Teague was just waking up when you left and he is so upset that he didn't get to hug you goodbye." I fully expected Chip to say, "Put him on and I'll talk to him for a minute." Instead, Chip said, "I'm on my way home."
I was more than a bit surprised. Chip has a lot on his plate in life and at work these days. Several minutes had gone by since he had left home, so this wasn't just a quick turn around at the end of the block. I set the phone down and Teague just about had another meltdown right then and there. I grabbed his little hand and said, "come outside on the front step...Mommy wants you to get a surprise!" Kids love surprises, but not so much when they are just coming off of a meltdown and the drama of crying for the first several minutes of their day.
We sat on the front step. Brock joined us. We looked at the sky. We listened to a couple of birds. We saw the grass. And flowers. It must have felt to Teague as though I was the biggest phony surprise thrower of all time. At one point I finally told him to be quiet and listen. I could hear Chip's car coming down the street. Teague was on my lap on the front step clueless that his morning wish was about to come true!
I think Teague was about to start crying all over again when I told him to look down the street as far as he could to see if he could see anything. Brock was starting to grin at this point. And a few seconds later Chip's vehicle pulled back into our driveway. "Daddy's home!! Daddy came back! It's Daddy!"

Teague was so excited. I am getting a knot in my throat right now even as I type it out, because it was a truly magical moment. My little clueless, upset two-year old {at that time} suddenly had his whole morning turned around. His little heartbroken request that he had finally spilled out to me when "he used his words" hadn't just been a cry of hurt and disgust that fell on deaf ears. Instead, his cry had been heard, and more than loud and clear, his heartbreak at not being able to say goodbye and give a hug had turned to complete and utter joy at the surprise return from Chip coming back to more than meet his need.
I actually caught part of the whole scene on one of our iPad cameras. I snapped the picture in this post of Teague and Daddy together for that brief couple of moments that morning too, and those smiles are the real deal! Teague's fussing was so quickly forgotten and his tiny arms wrapped so tight around his dad and the 'drama' of our morning up to that point all melted into a beautiful embrace. I was so happy for Teague.
I was so proud of Chip and my heart melted at just how big his heart is at times too. He chose to come home, when a simple hello on the phone would have salvaged a part of Teague's hurt. He went beyond what he needed to do and it blew me and Teague away. The whole scene has played over and over in my mind the past few weeks.
It is so late and I am so tired, and there is so much more to this story. The part about how that picture in my mind so parallels what God has been doing in my heart and life too. It's been unfolding for months. Years, I believe.
God has been up to something.
I've been in a place where the only way 'out' {like Teague in his crib} was going to happen when God chose to get me out. I needed my Father to pick me up and open a door. I was kicking and crying, and even though I could have had a toaster waffle or juice or any number of things to bring me happiness, all the while He had a plan to bring me more than that. He has been up to something for awhile now. And I couldn't see it, hear it, or have a clue what it was. Just as Teague had no clue Chip was already on his way home with a big hug and kiss waiting for him on arrival.
He could have settled for a quick phonecall and chat with Daddy. But Chip had a better idea. And even though it temporarily broke Teague's heart for me to not let him talk on the phone, or even tell him that Daddy was coming home, I knew it was going to be a wonderful and even better surprise in the end.
I knew it would be worth Teague's confusion as he waited on a front step without a clue. I knew it would be more than worth it for him to see that Chip drove back home just to see him! I knew it was going to make the tears of the morning literally disappear. His sorrow would be turned to joy, and it was! Teague's whole morning was made!

My heart has been so hurt for a long time for many different reasons. Some days I haven't had a clue as to how life has played out the way it has for us. But for some reason- as reason I still don't know or understand- in the past few weeks too many things have happened that make me literally see God's hand in life's details. It has been wonderful. It has been amazing at times. It has been fun even! My heart has felt happiness in the truest sense of the word. Our house sold. A new one just happened to fall into place for us. At just the right place. At just the perfect time.
Chip and I somehow managed to go out on a date together. It has been more than a year since we have done that. And we didn't just get a date. We took a whole day trip together. And nothing went 'wrong' the whole day. In spite of the downpour we got stuck in as we walked from Navy Pier in Chicago to Millenium Park. We laughed together. We enjoyed each other. We had actual conversations. About things other than kids or work. There has been so much going on in the past few weeks that my head is still spinning and we still have a move ahead of us this coming Tuesday. I should be overwhelmed. I should be freaking out. I should be asking myself how on earth is everything going to get done that needs to get done?!
Instead I am blogging. I am doing something I rarely get a chance to do anymore. I needed to write. I needed to come here and tell the world that God is amazing. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or have a clue if He is even listening to our fussing and cries. I want to assure myself and whomever else reads here that He is. He is real. He gives life to dry bones. He longs to do good things in the hearts and lives of those who love Him. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good and kind and fun even! He is a God who listens, who loves, who makes time for us, who knows better than we know ourselves just how to fill our lives with goodness and joy.
I don't know if Teague even remembers the day that Daddy came back. But one day, maybe one day when all the world has let him down or life is threatening to steal his joy, I want to remind him of this story. That really happened. That was so beautiful and pure and true that it will hopefully stir in his heart a little something that makes him want to be a better person and believe in goodness and Love again.
I have sometimes wondered. I have doubted far too many times in my life.
I am ashamed because I have known since I was about Teague's size that I love a God who is bigger and more powerful than any mind can comprehend. Yet still my trust has worn thin at times and I have wondered if my prayers have even been heard.
He has heard every one. He has a plan to meet every need. His plans are good. His ways are higher. I am humbled and honored to give all my praise to Jesus, my Lord. I don't know what lies just ahead in this next adventure in life. I am just so thankful that I never need to doubt or wonder if God is real. He is. And He is so Good. He is so Good to me.

Hello April!

I am posting from Michigan, after having just spent a few days back in Minnesota. We were supposed to be there the rest of this week- for spring break. But, as luck would have it, the night time sleeping wasn't going well for some of us, and that meant lots of daytime fussing and not-so-much fun as we had hoped. So we re-packed our new van and drove back early. One of the biggest lessons I am learning in life, and especially so as we grew to be such a large family, is that you have to be willing to change plans. Even if they are extra work, take away fun memories and cause their own bit of hassle too. Oh well. I don't blame the kids for all of it, as it is hard to travel so far {10 1/2 hours on the way over...12 on the way back}, sleep on airbeds and be on a different schedule in a different time zone. We are now just happy to be back with several more days to sleep in and just hang out before it is time to go back to school and routine.
The past week was another busy one! Besides the drive over and back, Chip flew over and back and drove over and back, all while getting his new golf course open and running a huge Easter brunch too. He celebrated his birthday with us by getting a text from me at 4:15 am asking if he could change his flight and come and help drive us home. Crazy, true and probably felt more like an April Fool's joke to him. But he willingly did as we asked him too and in the end we managed to make a memory by having a family dinner together on our long drive home. I owe him a birthday present now, but did make sure to tell him a big thank you for being a great dad and being so flexible too!
The kids did enjoy some parts of our trip- especially Easter and seeing family, friends and dressing up and finding some eggs with a bit of candy and money inside too. Wyndham has been so cute with her big smiles and showing off for the camera even moreso lately. =) I love that.
We are getting more and more sunshine {and had awesome blue skies as we drove through Chicago on Thursday afternoon!} and I am happy to share some full scrap pages I made for my April gallery at Cocoa Daisy. It is available for purchase right now and this Forecast kit has gotten rave reviews! Cocoa Daisy also has a few new things going on including a special "Day in the Life" kit. I am just getting started myself with doing Project Life and am very excited about how to document some everyday big and little details.
So, hello to April and spring and more sunshine and hopefully to growing a new yard at our old house again too. We continue to settle in here in Michigan, and being back in MN made me and the kids miss a lot of things about living there. I am not sure when we will get back there again, so for now, we will continue to send our love and be thankful for the family, friends and fun we have waiting for return that pick up right where we left off.

When the clouds were light and numbered 9...

So there has been a bit of heaviness here at Nitty.Gritty. for about 3 years now. Or maybe it just seems that way to me. The really wonderful part about being surrounded by darkness and heavy burdens in  life is that you know there must be a time coming when the light will shine and the clouds will lit again. I know I've been preaching that for a long while now. And a couple of times it even appeared as though the sun was starting to shine. But then more waves of life came and it's like I hit rewind around here and started to sound like a broken record again.
I am not going to lie. I do sound like a broken record way more often than I would care to admit. But it's not because I make stuff up. On the contrary, things often go from bad to worse for us and I don't always even share the worst! =) Thank goodness for that. I do know that one of the ways out of the clouds, or even a simple break from them is to look back at times when things have been good. The way to push ahead is often by looking back and believing that the good times will roll again.
Thank goodness for March's Sketchbook kit at just the right time! Last week when my scrapbook kit arrived on my doorstep from Cocoa Daisy I will tell you I was feeling like never scrapping anything again in my life ever. I was so convinced there was nothing 'good' in me to share. I can tell you that I wallowed and waivered for a few days. I questioned why does it matter if I do or don't scrap ever again. And do you know what I came up with? A couple of things. One was I LOVE to scrap and create and make things with patterened paper and stamps and cool 'stuff'. Two was that reality hitting me that if I walked away from scrapping then there would be even less fun and goodness in my life. I didn't want that to happen for sure! I didn't want the 'bad side' of me to win. So I dug deep and out of that spilled this nostalgic mini book that I made for Chip {and let's be honest here, for me too}. =) It is a little book about remembering where it all began for us. The fun, the love the happiness, the clouds that we walked on that were lighter than air all those years ago, and the magic that we felt just walking hand-in-hand.
You know what else happened? I spent way too much time making this. But during that time I got to think back on the many memories we did have where we laughed and learned new things about each other; I relived some of the memories that have been tucked away for a very long while.
Some days Chip and I can be so short with each other and just get through our days without a whole lot of niceness to each other- much less love and magic. I pulled out a tiny book I had in my jewlery box since our early days of dating and created a little pocket in this book to give it a more rightful 'home'. I remember handwriting that little book knowing my heart was so in love with someone and knowing his heart was in love with mine right back. It was a silly little gesture to make it and give it to him, but as I flipped through it and as I share it on this blog all these years later (that little book of Chip is more than 18 years old! and by the way, his real name is John David...he's gone by Chip since he was a small tyke though), I realize it is a gift to be able to peer into that young love and to have something tangible that documents it even a little bit. It makes it even more important for me to scrap now and hold onto and share the memories and stories that still lie hidden in my heart.
Even though the dark clouds darken my view and cloudmy eyes at times, I am so glad that I am able to glimpse past them, or push them back and make something out of their gray mist in my life. To Chip I just want to say thank you for loving me. Then, now and always. Lest we forget...may this little book and all our happy memories serve to remind us of the gift of our love. Forever! xo

The usual around here...fun and scrapping.

I was keeping up with Nitty.Gritty. with all those wedding memories, and then suddenly nothing again for 10 days. I can tell you that real life mimics my blog much of the time. Summer is a time where things are very laid-back and as you can see, inconsistent in our home too. =) I am working on striking some balance somewhere, but trying to get 6 kids on board with my idea is proving to be the most challenging aspect to that.
Chip and I had a quick bowl of soup at the hoagie joint downtown Northfield on our anniversary. We marked 17 years by trying to come to a decision about whether or not to rent a home here in town long-term, while we continue to wait for our house in Michigan to sell. The house we're renting right now suits our needs- but has been very frustrating to us as the realtors have had several showings and that means we {I} have to clean the house top to bottom and we have to get 8 of us out of the home for a couple of hours. No easy- or fun- feat! We should have just enjoyed our soup, but instead we made pros/cons lists and tried to solve world peace together as we reflected back on 17 years of life together. Let's just say we didn't solve world peace. But we did eventually decide to just stay put in our current rental for now. We are still praying, waiting on God's timing and hoping that our house will finally get an offer on it so that we can begin to settle our family in more permanently here in Minnesota. Can you believe that we've been here 8 months already?! It goes quickly and yet we would love to be 'real homeowners' again. So we wait for all that big stuff to fall into place. Easier said than done!
Besides our anniversary, Teague turned 2 on the 19th! Chip was busy with a tournament at the club all weekend, so we had sort of a mellow day for Teague. But 2-year olds don't need a whole lot and they can get excited anyway! Part of his day involved getting a new red tricycle. He has loved it from the first sighting of it! He also got to blow out his candles that were poked into a frosted doughnut. He loves doughnuts and even got to come to the store to pick the variety along with me. He was cheering when we got to the case of pastries. I am pretty sure that means he has a sweet tooth. =) Later in the day we also had a "Banana Bar" where we had sliced bananas that everyone dipped in melted chocolate and then there were a bunch of cupcake liners with miscellaneous toppings to dip the chocolate slices into and then eat. It was a bit of a mess, but a whole lot of fun. And I think that is exactly what turning 2 should be about.
We love our little strong-willed, loud, funny, energetic, cuddly, and doughnut-loving little guy. He has brought a whole new dimension to our lives the past two years and we are thankful that he has been a part of our lives and heart since we first learned we would be having another baby Ferlaak. I am sure we will have many more stories, fun, laughter and sweets with Teague in the coming years too. I hope he always keeps his sense of humor and his love of music too!
Finally, I am just getting into my latest box of scrap fun from Cocoa Daisy! The September kit is called "He Said. She Said." and it is such a great mix of colors and I have a bunch of ideas for those tiny wooden cutouts that I decorated.  I am still absolutely loving my spot on the design team there. Each day on the message boards I have been getting to host a thread called, "QOTD" which stands for Question of the Day. You are more than welcome to register on the Cocoa Daisy site and when you do that you are welcome to read the message boards, participate in any thread you like, play along with the challenges and we would love for you to start a gallery and share your own creations with us there too! You do not have to be a subscriber of the kits or stamps to do so. We love having people around and sharing ideas...and who knows?! Maybe you will want to get an occasional kit or a subscription of monthly scrap goodies. I can tell you from my own experience that it is a great deal...the kits are SO stylish and full of a great mix of papers and extras to craft. You will not be sorry. But like I said, you are free to just join in the fun and check us all out for a bit too! I would love to get to know you better through the message boards. It's just a fun, lively place to "hang out" and connect with other people online. I promise that we are a lot of fun too. =)
That is a recap of the life and times of the Ferlaak family the past couple of weeks. We are hoping to get a bit of warm weather in the next 12 days so that summer will feel like it was summer before it is over so soon. We have loved our lack of schedule and the way we have gotten to sleep in, stay in jammies, make messes, and not worry about homework, alarms, or making lunches by 7:30am. I sometimes wish it could stay summer year round! Ok. I would like one week of fall, one week of winter and maybe even a couple of weeks of spring. But I do love summer the most!

Our happily ever after...

I drove past a marquee today that had the names of a couple and their wedding date {August 4,2012} under the heading "Happily Ever After". When I look at these pictures taken just seconds after we were pronounced husband and wife, I love that I see smiles and sunshine and applause from the people around us who were in our lives and supporting our love for each other on that day. I love that even as I remember trying to keep my heels from sinking too deeply into the soft ground as I walked, that what was most on my mind was the fact that I was now "a new person".
I had just become "Mrs. John Ferlaak". Chip's real name is John. Nobody calls him that since he was given the nickname 'Chip' when he was about a year old. Nobody has ever called me Mrs. John Ferlaak that I can recall. But on that day I changed from Jody Hackett to Jody S. Ferlaak and I knew something big had occurred. I knew it was a big change. I knew that my name changing hadn't changed who I was exactly, but rather it was going to shape the who I would become for the rest of my life.
I am humbled to look at the beauty and joy and happiness that I can see when I look at all the photos from our wedding day. People search the world high and low to find what Chip and I have simply had from even before our wedding day. I knew without a doubt as I walked down the aisle that day that Chip would be with me by my side until one of us should perish. I knew from this day forward he would be by my side through the ups and downs- laughters and tears.
I am so grateful that he has not only walked hand in hand with me, but that he has been a rock when I'v needed him to stand strong for both of us. He has also been my soft place and a warm embrace over and over again when life has demanded that we simply weep together because there are no words. I am eternally humbled and even overwhelmed at times that we found this in one another. Those beautiful moments of happiness and joy as we walked hand in hand to our own version of "Happily Ever After" are even more special to me now as I look back and see where life's path has had us trod. My heels have often threatened to sink down deep- figurativeyly speaking- many, many times. I am just so lucky to know that I have someone willing to walk beside me and hold my hand...and because of him I am still to this day "Mrs. John Ferlaak". That name has changed me in many ways- it's true. For the better. And better. And I imagine, that if we are granted many more days and years together, there is better yet to come too! We are a very, very lucky couple!

I owe them a big "thanks"!

Chip's mom, Karen, commented to me on FB that her memories of our wedding day vary just a bit from the ones I have written about here the past couple of days. I knew that all along, but when she made mention of it and as I thought about it I realized I probably never thanked Chip's parents enough for all they did do for us that day. I maybe thought our smiles and joy through that day spoke for themselves. I hope I said thank you back then. But after 17 years, my memory is a bit fuzzy when it comes to the kind of thank you I may or may not have said.
So today I am remembering back to our beautiful wedding day and I am making sure that my thank you is loud and clear. =) THANK YOU, John and Karen for everything you did to help make our wedding day one to remember so fondly. You see, most of the time the parents of the bride are all a flurry before and on the wedding day. There's no doubt my parents were busy with extra demands at that time because of our wedding. But in our case, Chip's parents bore most of the 'burden' of the actual event.
Chip and I had been attending church together when we dated and during our year engagement. But it wasn't the kind of place we would have held our ceremony in- as the church was meeting in a high school auditorium at that time. We spent several hours looking at different churches and parks for a location to have our wedding, but nothing was working out for us and in frustration and because we were running out of options we decided to pose the question of using Chip's parents' backyard as our location site. It seemed very plausible to Chip and me, but I do remember feeling like I was holding my breath while we presented our idea to them and waited for their objections. I am sure there head to be some objections. But I guess we were either very convincing, very pathetic, very naive, or maybe a combination of all of them and the next thing I knew Chip and I were excited to know that we now had a place for us to be married.
We didn't think much about the weather {see previous post}. =) I don't recall being concerned about bathroom space, or how much time and energy would need to go into preparing the gardens and yard. I do remember wondering and discussing a bit how the parking arrangements would work for all our guests, but I also recall not caring too mch because I knew I would have a 'front spot'. How selfish of me...yet how absolutely true about me at that time too. I just wanted everything to work out. So the less I worried or made something "my problem" the easier it was to deal with! How nice if I could still live that way, right?! =)
In addition to hosting what ended up being about 175 guests, Karen also made my wedding dress. She made my veil too. She made all of the bridesmaids dresses as well. She tended the garden. She had two teenagers at home at that time. One had a broken leg. Seventeen years later and with an abundance of life experiences under my own belt now, I have a much greater appreciation for all she did for me to pull off our wedding. She must not have slept for the whole month of July and those first 11 days of August that summer. I have no idea how she did it. But I do know I owe her a big thanks. Even all these years later.
I couldn't help but think that after all the planning and sewing and cleaning and rearranging and gardening and everything else that she and John did, that when they finally took their seats in the heat of the sun under the tent with the rose arbor and blooming garden and pool as the backdrop to Chip and I saying their vows, they probably just wanted to breathe for a moment and take it all in. I imagined my own self sitting down in a chair seeing the happiness on my son's face as he is about to make the biggest commitment in his life. I thought about how Chip's mom must have felt. All the times she had sat out in that back yard and watched Chip play with his siblings and neighbors. All the hours she spent waiting for him to come home from the hospital as he had been an extrememly sick, premature baby when he was born. All the memories of him growing and changing and becoming the man who stood before her in her garden. She had put years of hard work into that day. And I apologize now for hardly giving it a second thought.
If ever I owed someone a thanks, it is more than fitting for me to say it here to Chip's mom, Karen, and to his dad, John, as I reflect back on August 12th, 1995. Without them it never would have happened the way it did. Without them my memories of my wedding day would have looked very different. So it is with this understanding and with my most sincere gratitude that I say thank you. Thank you for your part in making our wedding day the most beautiful, special day that it was. Thank you for your hard work, your years of helping to shape Chip into the man of character that he is. Thank you for supporting us as a couple and loving us enough to make even our most outlandish ideas come true. We are so glad for the part you played in our lives and in our wedding day. I am sure Chip would love to join me in saying, "thanks" to you today and for everything you've done for us throughout all our married lives too. We love and appreciate you! 

That morning.

I can't tell you what I had for breakfast that morning. I wasn't really a coffee drinker at that time in my life, which is funny to me now considering how much I love my morning cup of coffee. I would definitely include a latte on my wedding morning to-do list if I were getting married now. I would have an extra dollop of whipped cream on it for good measure too. =)

I can tell you that I remember everyone else around me being a bit panicked about the weather. Our ceremony was scheduled in the afternoon and it was set up outside in Chip's parents' backyard/garden. I wasn't thrilled with the showers that were literally darkening the sky and pouring down rain on our mornng, but I can remember not feeling "worried" about it either. I just had this feeling that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. I didn't want my lack of control over the crazy weather happening outside to spoil my mood. Which, was one of total happiness inside- even though I have a very pensive look on my face for this photo. I was truly feeling a mix of calm and wonderful excitement all rolled into one.

Someone passed along the news to me that Chip's car battery was dead. And the rain showers were not expected to let up for at least a few hours. I remember thinking I probably wasn't going to eat lunch. Which I didn't. I was thinking that I would make up for it by eating a bigger piece of cake later on. =)

Looking back on it now I realize that I was doing then what I have so often had to do on occasion the past 17 years and that is- be flexible; be adaptable; be prepared to see beyond the immediate and be content that somehow it will all be beautiful in the end.

And you know what? It was!

As I finished putting the final touches on my hair and lipstick and stepped into my heels the clouds were literally beginning to part and the sun was starting to appear. When we first started our photos outside, there was still wet cement around the pool/patio area and friends and family were wiping down chairs from the rain and setting up a couple of large canopy tents. Which turned out to be needed even though the rain stopped. Because as the rain moved through, the humidty and sun kicked into high and it was a hot, sticky August afternoon for formalwear. The tents were a bit of shade from all the sun that showered down on our ceremony afterall.

I remember thanking God for both the sun and rain that day, for it gave me the opportunity to see that He cared to work out the little details of that day that just happened to be "big details" to Chip and me and the rest of us at our wedding that August 12th. I was so thankful that our plans all fell smoothly into place even though things didn't go as we had planned them. Oh, what a foreshadowing of what the rest of our lives would be like! I am glad that Chip and I stood hand in hand and invited God to be the center of our lives together from that day forward. I had no idea how much we would be unable to handle on our own, and how much we would indeed need God to carry us through. I am so glad that even as we declared our love in such a beautiful setting under a bright, sunny sky, God held our whole future in His hands.

I remember that the most important thing on my heart and mind as I finished getting ready and waited to wal down the aisle on the verge of the biggest event in my life, I was thankful that God had chosen Chip for me before I ever knew who he was. I was thankful that we loved Him and one another and I believed with all my heart that life was going to be amazing and beautiful. All of it.

What I have learned all these years later is that I was right. Having Chip by my side through the good and the bad has been a beautiful thing. I can only imagine there is a bit more beauty if we are blessed with more days and years together too. And I thank God already for bringing us together to walk our chosen path in life- the rainy days and the sunshiny days. All of them are a part of our story. If I could rewrite any part of our wedding morning, it wouldn't be to take the rain away. I would change the part of not having coffee. With an extra dollop of cream on top! =)

Looking back on our wedding day...

Chip and I are coming up on our 17th wedding annivesary. It doesn't seem like we are old enough for that to be happening! =) But that must be a good thing, right? That the years seem to go by so quickly and we don't feel we age as fast as they go by.
I thought I would challenge myself to blog a photo and a memory or two of that time in our life all week as August 12th approaches. What I must say first of all as I think back to that amazing time in our lives is that I never once had any doubt that we were meant to be together. I never once questioned the step we were taking by getting married and choosing to spend our lives together from that point on. I never once had even a tiny thought that maybe we were too young, or this was happening too soon or that we needed to spend more time getting to know each other or thinking more thoughtfully about this huge commitment we were about to make together.
I was all in.
I was 100% sold that we were going to be a team forever.
I was so certain that I wanted Chip to be on my team. =)
*     *     *     *     *
I am so glad that we said our vows to one another and that all these years later we can still say we are thankful to have made them to each other. I love seeing this photo and thinking back to how absolutely happy we were to know that we had each other for the rest of our lives. I am so happy that in spite of many challenges and bumps in our road that we still find ourselves lost in an occasional kiss like the one in the picture here. That is amazing and lovely and a gift that I don't take for granted in our lives now- nearly 17 years later.
I will tell you that those flowers were very heavy as I held such a large bouquet! Ha! I do remember that! I would definitely go with a smaller bunch of flowers if we were doing our wedding over. I would probably not mke Chip wear such a formal tux for an outdoor garden wedding again, but that just goes to show that we have changed and grown and gives me even more reason to be thankful that we are still a team.
I hope you don't mind my memories, photos and even a bit of sappiness as I recount our wedding day all this week. I just feel like marriage is something that is so worthy of time and discussion and I feel so blessed that Chip and I are still together that to me it just makes sense to write it down and share a tiny bit of this blessing with the rest of the Nitty.Gritty. world.
Tomorrow...another story and photo. And if I am lucky, I might even get a guest post from Chip this week too!

He adds joy to my life...

Happy, happy birthday to my husband, Chip today.
I was lucky enough to go the circus with my family and parents yesterday afternoon, and double-lucky to have my parents watch my kids while Chip and I took in a show downtown Minneapolis. We got last-minute free tickets from some friends and enjoyed an unexpected, fun night out celebrating Chip's birthday together.
I won't go into details about how crazy my day went as I loaded my kids and took them across the Twin Cities for the day, but I will tell you it ended much nicer than it began. For that I am thankful and it just seems so fitting for how things go for us more often than not. I was reminded several times throughout the weekend of how much I need the supportive people in my life and how thankful I am that they stick with me and cheer me on at 'crunch time'.
Chip is the biggest cheerleader in my life and I don't give him a whole lot of credit on my here. So on his birthday today- even though it's April Fool's and a lot of people would like to use the day to pull a prank, I am using this space and time to tell you a few things about this great guy that I am happy to call my husband and friend.
When Chip and I met I was finishing my senior year of college and focusing on all the freedom I was about to have as soon as classes were wrapped up. I didn't have strong leads on where or what I was going to do, but I was in a very content place in my heart and looking forward to seeing what jobs God might bring my way. I had no plans for a guy to walk into my life and was happy being single and independent. But this Chip guy that I worked with just happened to ask me out to a movie and dinner at the Mall of America one night; I just happened to say "yes". I figured it would be a good time to just go out and have a fun together and see a movie. I had no plans or intentions for anything beyond just a fun time out with a guy from work.
Obviously the story wasn't that short and sweet. I didn't expect Chip to be so funny or a great conversationalist. Our work together at a restaurant didn't really allow for us to talk much beyond "shop talk", so I didn't know much about him or what he was like as a person. I knew he had a great work ethic...and a charming personality, because he was always making better tips than me! After just one dinner at Planet Hollywood and seeing the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire", I started looking at him differently. And by differently, I mean I was interested in him. He was suddenly more than "just a guy I work with". He fast became "a guy who makes me laugh, makes me think, makes me like myself more when I'm around him, and makes me want to know more about him" kind of guy.
After just 5 months of dating, when Chip asked me to marry him I was so sure of my "yes". He is the kind of guy that I knew I could be lifelong friends with and I just knew in my heart that there was something dynamic about him that I wanted to be a part of for the rest of my life. Ask any of his friends and I just know they would tell you that it's true. He's got a knack for being likable and charming and he knows how to make people feel good and want to do good. I love that about him.
I could type a list of things he does to push my buttons and a list of things I do to push his. I'm not saying we're perfect and without issues. But more than that and honestly, more important than that is the fact that I know he loves me for my good qualities and he accepts my faults too. He is there to help me change some things and I am thankful we have learned to love in spite of the stuff that comes up in our lives that's not always so fun and exciting. His best qualities are his heart, his pursuit of what is right- his integrity, and his ability to keep pushing through the tough stuff because he truly believes that something better awaits.
He has added joy to my life in more ways than I can count. He has strong arms that hold me up, keep us together at times, and his hugs make me feel like everything is okay in my world- no matter what. He has a way of making me laugh when I sometimes think it's impossible to do so. He has a way of lighting up a room and you can't help but want to be around him. It's true. My kids still race to the door and fight for his attention when he comes home from his work at the course. He is a giver and today of all days I just wanted to let him {and you} know that he's one-of-a-kind. I am thankful that our lives have had years of growing together and intertwining of stories through the years. I hope we get many more too! Happy birthday, dear Chip. I love you.

True Love.

On this eve of Valentine's Day I am feeling less than romantic. In the past 24 hours, we have had a couple of sick kids which means extra loads of laundry and baths to be done. We just had the flu bug at our house 6 weeks ago. So I was less than thrilled that it has hit again. In addition to stomach bugs, we had a vehicle picked over by some random strangers as it sat out in our driveway. That type of invasion just makes me feel so unsettled, even though nothing was taken from us. It just brings to light the "bad" that is out there- never far away.

Bella has to have two teeth pulled tomorrow morning; Teague is teething and has a nice diaper rash to go along with that. There are a few household items that need attending to, and I have a couple of fun spots that are driving me crazy from where I bit my lip a couple of days ago. I'm sure I could add a few more things to this list, but I am sure you sort of get a big enough picture with just these things from one day in my life.

I've said it before that sometimes it feels like life just wants to drag us down. I'm not even sure who or what or where it wants to take us, but I get really bugged that it piles up and weighs us down at the same time. I keep writing about wanting to find joy and happiness in life once again, and I feel like we continue to make the effort to do so, but no matter how hard we try the bad stuff outweighs the good. The fun is squashed by the not-so-fun. Almost all the time.

I am a big believer in fighting back. Even though I let myself and everyone around me down with my bad attitude way too often.

My mom mentioned the quote you see in this post which says, "Commitment begins where fun ends." I have been thinking about that for a couple of days and especially so as my thoughts turn to Valentine's Day and all the things we see and hear about love this time of year. I was thinking about how long it's been since Chip and I have had a moment to ourselves. Much less any type of romance or dinner out together. It's been longer than I can remember. I was thinking about how our relationship was so different when all we were concerned about in life was "us". We had all the time in the world for fun and for laughing and hanging out and experiencing things without ever worrying about getting anyone to bed on time. Or about paying for co-pays and having doctor visits and dental appointments on school days or about having diapers on hand or lunches ready or any number of other things that life demands of us on a daily basis now.

I was thinking about how unlikely it is that we should still be together as a couple. We have lived through the loss of a child. We have lived with a daughter with major medical needs and have 5 other "needy" children to watch over each day too. We don't do what the relationship 'experts' say about going on weekly or monthly dates. We often go to bed in seperate rooms because someone is sick or crying or we just fall asleep exhausted and it's too much effort to go to bed in the right bed.

I couldn't help but think about our wedding day. None of the things I've mentioned in the previous paragraphs even crossed my mind as I took those steps down the asile, hand-in-hand with my new husband, Chip. I was thinking about the hugs we would share with our friends and loved ones as they congratulated us on our love and wished us the best in our marriage. I was smiling as I thought about the cake we would cut and eat together. Our first dessert as husband and wife...carrot cake with coconut frosting! Mmmm! I was thinking about how handsome I thought Chip looked- even with beads of sweat on his brow from the heat and humidity of that August summer day. I was thinking about the details that had fallen into place for us to have such a beautiful, intimate ceremony. I was trying to hold on to how fast the day seemed to be flying by.

But not once did I think about or picture a life where we would have to start laundry at midnight and bathe kids after a long day. Not once did I picture having to make rules about who can use the laptop or that I would yell for someone to turn the tv off 4 times before they actually listen and go to the dinner table as asked. Not once did I imagine holding a tiny body in my arms and know that weight would still come to mind as I missed my little girl. I didn't picture a life where instead of going out for a nice dinner together, we simply tried to get everybody through the meal without crying. I didn't picture a future where we would stand hand in hand and sing "It Is Well With My Soul" as we recalled memories of our firstborn daughter's 4 short years of life together and share a grief like none other I have ever felt before. As we walked down that aisle to start our life together I never imagined any of the "worse" that we had said in our vows. I thought only of the better. As most brides and grooms do.

It's hard to see past the beautiful gowns and the flowers and the shiny rings and the hair that is perfectly in place. The guests are all smiles; even the rainclouds and downpour that happened on our wedding day couldn't dampen the love and joy that we felt- inside and out. It was all we had in our hearts and on our minds.

But in real life, the flowers wilt by evening. My dress showed wear and stains by the time the first dance played~ the song...Fly Me to the Moon. =) My feet began to hurt on the drive to our bed and breakfast. But even then, there was a smile on our faces and love was in the air. There was no denying the happiness we felt. It was evident on our faces. We had our head in the clouds and we were more than thrilled to have them there too!

I am thankful for the vows we made on that day- August 12th, 1995. I am thankful for a God who has shown Himself faithful to us in our darkest hours, in our moments of bliss, and in all the ordinary days we've shared through the years. It's true. The fun has worn thin most of the time at this phase in our lives. The demands placed on each of us far outweigh what have to offer to each other and to everyone else around us too. But one thing stands out in my mind.And that is the choice we have in making it work. We choose to stay together. We choose to believe that there is coming a day when we'll have more "fun" again. We choose to believe that God has brought us together and when we said, "I do" it meant we do always. Not just when things are pretty. Or fun. Or easy. Or when the skies are cloudless and blue.

Commitment is something that takes hard work. I know you all know this. But what I think we forget or fail to see in our culture and through the media so often, is that commitment is so worth it! There is something amazing about being able to look back after days or weeks or years of not-so-hot times and see that you made it through that together. There is something so humbling to me on the mornings I wake up with my hair sticking straight up and dark circles under my eyes and my breath doesn't smell very nice and then Chip greets me with a "Good morning, Beautiful."

That is a God-thing, if you ask me. =)

I know we have a love we don't deserve. I already told you we do most things wrong when it comes to building a strong and lasting marriage. We do however know that even when we wish everything in life could be different that we are still grateful to have each other. We still have work to do and lots of ways to improve the way we show love to each other. We still have lots of reasons to say, "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" too. We still have more times than we care to admit where instead of being grateful for one another, we wish we could take a break from "us".

But we stick it out. We are commited. Deep down we know that from the very beginning there was something special. Something bigger than that which we could see or feel had a plan for us to be together as one. Even when things didn't turn out the way we imagined or dreamed. His plan was one of Love. For better; for worse; in everything.

This Valentine's Day I know that even without a box of chocolates or a vase full of pretty flowers or a romantic dinner out that Chip is the one for me. Forever. I know that his love is real- even on the days it's hard to see or feel. I know he knows this about me too. And it's not because of anything we have done right. But only because of the One who continues to show mercy and grace to us and holds us together.

I am thankful more than anything this Valentine's Day for the true love of God. I hope that you are thankful and can see it and feel it in your heart and life in a real way too. May you know and share this love with others around you- today and always.

I have to close with this:

I love you, Chip.

Forever and ever.

Always.

xoxo

Jody

Still doing the juggling act...

Sometimes I wish I had been in juggling club back in high school because I feel it might have better prepared me for this time in my life. By this time, I mean having more kids, demands and activities going on around me than I do the ability to meet all those demands and do everything well. I keep trying to remind myself that I am doing the best with what I have, but I still can't shake that feeling of mommy guilt that it's not enough. Why is it so hard for us to let go of our ideals so often? I'm working on that. I'm learning I am more of a perfectionist than I wish I was and with a family as big and diverse in age and skills as mine, it's just not practical to be perfect anymore. Although I think Chip would tell you've I've been less than perfect for a long time now! =)

A couple of these photos I just took this morning as Bella and Ava headed out with Chip to the golf course for the kick off of Junior Golf this year. They were happy to be getting to do an activity and the kids always love to spend a little extra time with their dad this time of year too. Well, they love to spend extra time with him anytime- but especially so during his long summer hours. He makes such an effort to do things with the kids when he has the time. He took Brock and Crew out to hit some balls and play a few holes on Sunday afternoon. I need to give him more credit for all the things he does to lighten the load and make life more fun for us around here than I do. I tend to jump on him most when I get stressed out and overwhelmed and the truth is I need to point out more often all the things he does right and well. We all love him and are grateful to have Chip's flexibilty to help life keep moving along for all of us. I think it's okay for me to wish him a Happy Father's Day a few days early because he is so deserving of praise and also you and I both know I probably won't get a chance to blog again in time! So thanks, Chip, for being such a great dad and an example of what a leader and hard worker looks like. You are loved so much and we promise to tell you and show you that we mean it more around here too!

Now for a quick update on Wyndham and her current situation... we had an in-depth meeting with her surgeon last week and we're all in agreement (we her parents, case manager and therapists) that something hasn't been going well/right with her rehab for several weeks now. Chip and I have been so patient, but growing more and more disappointed and frustrated with how she's just not getting better, and in fact, in some ways has been getting worse. So after more x-rays and examination the doctor seems confident that there shouldn't be a reason for her to not want to bear weight on her feet. We're just unsure why she doesn't want or can't get back to walking. The decision was made to spend the next 2-3 weeks with an intsense physical therapy program as well as adding aqua therapy to her routine. So we're going from a couple of hours a week to sometimes twice daily workouts in hopes that we might see some progress and also to see if we can get her to build some muscle that she keeps losing. Yesterday was Wyndham's first time in a pool in over a year at a therapy center and she did great! She loved it so much she didn't want to get out of the water. It was the one posotive thing we've seen happen in a long time. Now I am hoping and praying that it not only will feel good for her- but that it will actually make a difference for her. If this extra hard work out schedule doesn't yield the results we are hoping for the next step would be to have to admit her to in-patient therapy in Grand Rapids and right now, honestly, I don't know if I can handle the stress and change that we demand of her, me and all of us as a family. I feel like we're already stretched so thin and I don't know where we would get the time, energy or opportunity for us to spend the time with her at a hospital setting for several weeks or months. Not to mention that it's not an easy thing to send your child away for such a lengthy time knowing she has needs unique to her and understood best by tose of us here at home. So feel free to join us in prayer and wishing Wyndham the best outcome we might expect as she is pushed harder the next couple of weeks.

I think one of my biggest life lessons since the death of Teagan and the trials we have endured since then has been to realize that as much as we strive to always do the right thing and to want the best and safest environment for our kids to grow and thrive in so much of what happens is still out of my/our control. There has been an ongoing 'theme' of surrender in our hearts and lives and I still struggle with giving it all up and saying, "whatever happens I simply trust You" and lay it all down for God to do in our lives as HE sees fit.

Life is hard... but God can use it all for His glory. Such a wonderful truth, but so hard to swallow!