Good stuff and open roads for dreamin'.

 

Our family just marked another year gone by since the tragedy that claimed Teagan's life and altered us forever occurred. It has been 12 years now. I think one of the things that stood out most to me this year is just how much Teagan will always be a part of our life story~ no matter how much time goes on. The memories of that day are so vivid and clear to me, and I doubt they will ever fully fade. There was so much trauma and weeks of hospital and intense concern surrounding all of our injuries and recovery, that I am sure would take a lifetime to forget. I do know that it sometimes still feels like it all happened yesterday, and the ache of the reality that Teagan is truly gone doesn't ever diminish. The hole she left in our hearts and lives is still the same size as it was the day she was taken off of life support. We have done lots of living between then and now, but who she was and how she changed our lives for the better from the moment she was born will never change.
And for that, I am grateful, and I will always thank God for sending such a vibrant, sweet, beautiful girl into our lives.
I am glad that we didn't get stuck in that place of grief and sorrow that threatens to consume and overwhelm one's life in the days and weeks following death. There was so much pain and darkness in that pit of sorrow. I was so angry to be in it at times, knowing how amazing and pleasurable life had been before being thrown into this place unannounced. I was angry that life for our family was being defined by such an ugly event, and I was angry that our joy had been ripped from our hands without giving us a choice or chance to do anything about it. That was a hard place to be, for sure. All I wanted was out of there, and yet as our injuries and Wyndham's challenges became our new way of life, I realized we would never fully 'escape' the pain and grief.
Chip and I struggled with how to move forward through those early days. I spent many of them weeping and struggling to even catch my breath through my sobs, as my physical pain hurt and my broken heart hurt and life seemed only dark and daunting. I didn't believe we would ever be 'whole' again. I didn't believe there would ever come a day when we wouldn't feel sadness. I felt like all of life was tainted and the only thing I wanted back was a small taste of joy.
I didn't know how that could happen though, because our whole world was pain- from the  nightmares I woke up from in the night, to Brock's post traumatic stress syndrome, to Wyndham's injuries and meds and Chip's broken bones...it was all so painful. We didn't even come home from the hospital for 3 weeks. It felt like an eternity. It felt like our nightmare would never end.
In our sorrows and grief and heartache and pain, Chip and I knew we wanted something more. We wanted to be able to live again! We wanted days filled with laughter and fun and happiness. We were living in darkness and we wanted so much to believe that there was Joy for the taking somewhere in the world again. We made a vow to fight for that together. We cried together for what we had lost and for what our "new normal" looked like now. I knew I needed Chip to be by my side- but fully understood how marriages fall apart in those dark valleys of life. I am glad that as hard as some of the days and months and years have been, that after 12 years of hardship, we are still together. We have had ups. We have had lots of downs.
We have had miracles happen.
We have loved deeper and more easily.
We have looked for ways to make new happy memories.
We have fought for joy and laughter.
We have been blessed beyond measure.
We still miss Teagan everyday.
We still lean on God as our source of strength, comfort and Joy.
He is our Rock, our healer and the One who has held us together and carried us through it all.

Our family has grown in number and there have been days that have overflowed with joy and happiness in our life in the past 12 years. I never could have imagined ordinary days being able to be full of happiness again. But we have lived them, so I know they exist. The journey of grief is long and hard and I don't wish it on anybody. My heart goes out to everyone touched by loss of a loved one. Something as simple as going to Despicable Me 2 can be a simple pleasure. Having a healthy family and opportunities to watch my kids grow and learn and to make memories together as a family are the very things that make life so worthwhile. Seeing beauty in the smallest things shows just how merciful, gracious and loving God is. That He cares about all the details of our lives is amazing. It's humbling. That He would reach down and enter into our hurts and cry with us and guide us out of the valley of darkness and death into the fullness of life again is the miracle in our lives everyday.
I sometimes get lost in the place of pity and heartache much more easily than I ever did before our tragedy. I am so thankful that God doesn't allow me to sit and wallow forever.
I am so glad that He put in me- in Chip- the desire to want to live a life of joy again. Even in simple things like baking homemade chocolate chip cookies and dreaming of what lies ahead in life. I am glad that little things- like piles of laundry and noisy kids- are sometimes my biggest reminders of what I love and care most about- the special people in my life are my greatest blessings. The Hope of heaven keeps me going.
If someone had said I would have 6 kids, and be on a scrap team and blog and smile when I use a pink vacuum, and riding carts at Target would all be a part of my life at this time in 2001, I never would have believed it. But I am so glad that they way I imagined life playing out versus the reality of how it actually does look are so vastly different, that I hardly recognize the 'old life' anymore. I am holding on to the good memories as tight as I can. But I am ever grateful that my heart and hands were opened to embrace what God has placed back into our lives. It's pretty great, and I am so blessed to be able to say so!
In case you happen to like the scrap goodies you see in the pages I made here as much as I love them, you can get them for yourself starting tomorrow at Cocoa Daisy.com. It is a truly wonderful thing to me, to be able to use my hands and create something- just for the fun and joy of it. I never thought that would happen in my life ever again. And now I do it every single month! And lots of times in between too! God is a God of miracles. I take one look at my life as it is now and I know that it is true.

Enjoying the view.

Last Saturday night Chip came home from working all day at the golf course and announced that we were going to do something fun as a family. We quickly changed diapers or clothes and whatever else needed to be done to get ready and then it was out for pizza at our local favorite spot, Fricanos, and then a stop at another local favorite place, Dairy Treat. It was the most goregous night out as far as spring weather is concerned. A light breeze, no bugs, beautiful setting sun and boats and people watching for as long as we cared to sit on the waterfront.
I am struggling to still find a purpose for us having to move back here to Michigan. But I am trying to enjoy the view while we are here. It is pretty amazing at times.
And now...the winner of the previous blog hop/prize pack is: Katy Young. Please send me your mailing address at nitty.grittyjodyatyahoodotcom and I'll get your goods in the mail! Thanks for all the nice comments left. I hope you all had fun seeing all the different bags and maybe got inspired to do some crafting of your own. Here's to some more spectacular views in life too- wherever you may be!

A day in the life.

It's Friday. Fridays are mixed emotion days for me, because while I love that the weekend is just around the corner, Friday nights have taken Chip away from us and leaves me with the 6 kiddos at home. We have come up with some things to fill the nights with fun and activity, but my inner/better mom still feels guilt that we "never do anything fun" as far as going out or doing anything exciting. Last Friday was another one of 'those nights'. Chip actually took Brock, Crew and Bella to work with him though. Brock got to hang out and bus some tables {and he managed to make some good tips too!}, and the kids always like to visit the club, eat dinner and play games in Daddy's office. It gave me a bit of a break with just 3 kids to entertain at home. I grabbed Happy Meals and shakes for the three that stayed behind so that they had some fun of their own.
Then that picture of Wyndham is a peek into the rest of our Friday night. I asked Wyndham if she wanted her picture taken on the iPad. She loves taking pictures of herself. My jean jacket just happened to be out on the arm of the chair she was in, so I put it on her and brought her next to the window in her room for the last bit of evening natural light. She is the one who started to pour on the charm and big personality. She was playing air guitar and doing silly faces and just making a big deal about her impromptu photo session. I was happy to get a front row seat to her show. =)
As I have been thinking about the way life goes sometimes, I was realizing this week just how awesome and lucky and special it can be to GET to stay home and do nothing. Sure it gets boring for middle schoolers and kids who want more of an active social life, but truly, as we hang out and play games and pop popcorn and laugh while answering random life questions around the table together, it is a pretty amazing thing all it's own. I know we are still making some wonderful memories to look back on. Even if we never leave our home. And that's  something you can't put a pricetag on. Even when it's considered "boring" to some. I am trying more and more to simply embrace the place we are at, the limited things we can do sometimes, and to see the spectacular in the typical day-to-day life we live. I sometimes wish it was more hyped up and exciting. But I am seeing more and more how it sort of is all that.
This week I have been scrapping Cocoa Daisy's May Record Label kit. I am so thankful each month to be on such a great team and to get to scrap such great stuff all the time. I love that it 'forces me' to put the memories and pictures of our lives right now down on a page. I am having a blast with the cool designs and funky bits and pieces in this new kit especially. I scrapped Wyndham's picture already and look forward to taking more pictures of our "boring Friday nights" and other exciting days in our life to scrap too. Here's to making memories- no matter where you find yourself having fun!

When there is no love.

 

 

I'll be honest. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world and nothing grabs my attention more than news stories where everyone is minding their own business and trying to just enjoy their corner of the world, or partaking in something fun or beautiful, when suddenly their lives are forever changed by something horrible. I feel their pain on a very real level and know what grief and healing and finding a "new normal" means. Since the most recent bombing at the Boston Marathon, I have lifted prayers for the victims and their families a number of times in just the past two days. It is heartbreaking and it is a jolt back to reality that none of us knows how much time we have on this earth and that we need to make the most of each day we are given.
I have been struggling with the move back here to Michigan- away from family and many new friends. It has been an unreasonably long, cold winter, and the gloom of cold dark days lingers even now. We have had our snow melt away, and the temperatures are starting to climb, but between the news stories, this move, the long winter and all that goes into that, I am so, so ready for sunshine and fresh air again. I am ready for new growth and new life. Literally and figuratively.
I am almost embarrassed to say that one of the things I am struggling with in the move back to our home is our yard. It seems such a trite thing in the scheme of things, but it is something that in the past we put a lot of time and effort and energy into. We use our yard so much and love to be outside, but as the snow has melted away it has only revealed just how awful our yard turned in just one summer's time of neglect. Last year happened to be a dreadful summer- between the high heat and the lack of rain- that our yard just couldn't sustain itself with no tennants. We moved back in November and I knew it was going to be dead this spring. But I didn't realize just how "dead" it was going to be. The top photo is from a couple of summer's back. The next two pictures are of our house yesterday. Even though the sky was blue, the photos speak for themselves. Chip- my eternal optimist husband- says it will be back and better than ever by June 1. I am more reserved in my support of that thought and would be happy if we just had a thin layer of grass sprouting back by then. The whole yard and landscape have to be redone.
It has opened my eyes to the fact that "good" doesn't just grow. Weeds grow. Good dies. Green turns brown and dried in a hurry of it's not watered and nutured and cared for properly. I can't help but tie my thoughts of the dead, lifeless wreck of a yard to the events of Boston and how tragic that situation turned out. All the good people who worked and trained so hard for that marathon. All the years of the race being one of the most sought after to run in and with such a repuation that people come from miles around the world just to be in that place. And within seconds, that turned to tragedy and carnage and people will live with the horrible images and physical pains and some with grief from the death of a loved one, all because someone chose evil over love. When love is absent, there is darkness, hopelessness, despair and evil. I am sorrowed and saddened that such acts exist in our world that can rip lives apart in the blink of an eye. Through no fault of their own, people now will love with the heartache of such acts. I wish they could turn back the clock. I wish we could erase the last 48 hours and write a different ending.
But there is no chance of that- so everyone moves forward. I have found that moving forward in life sometimes means having to go places you'd rather not. Or leave places you wish you could have stayed. Or simply wait it out and hold out hope for brighter days. But just as our yard looks dry and dead and barren, I choose to believe {and hold out great hope!} that Chip is right and that new green growth is mere weeks away. I choose to believe with time and effort and energy poured into our yard it will look as good or maybe even better than it did before. Is it going to be easy? No. Is it going to take time? Yes. Is it going to be worth the investment? I sure hope so.
To those touched by life's heartaches- wherever you may be- I hope you choose to love, to believe in brighter days; to hold out hope and to always keep the faith. We may not know why there are times or places or hardships in our lives at times, but we can always pour ourselves into giving it our all and for sure, to always love. It makes the biggest difference of all.

Learn new things.

It's February and I am sitting at home with three kids on this Friday, while the other three are at school learning new things. It's wintery and snowy outside, and I was out for a bit shoveling a small snowbank away from our mailbox in hopes that the mail carrier will actually stop at our box today. When I came in, I was chilled, of course. But after a quick warm-up it seems to be the perfect kind of day to learn something new myself.

As I think about all that has happened in the span of a year in my life, it is exhausting and certainly had its crazy parts. When I think of the demands I have on me each day, simply as a wife and mother of 6 kids with lots of needs, it can tire me out too. Top it off with a heart that has yet to embrace living where we do and feeling a lack of purpose to it all, and well, it just seems even more important and maybe even necessary for me to try new things. It is the idea of my word, soar, that helps push me to want more out of life too.

I have fought to find purpose and meaning in life for years and years now. And although I turned 40 and that in itself should indicate I should know what I am here for by now, it is still something I am seeking after all these years.

So in the quiet, and in the wait, and in this in between time where I find myself asking again, 'what am I doing and why', it is nice to give myself the space to just be still. And learn new things. Like crochet. I am thankful for my dear friend who literally helped 'hook me up' with this new venture. I am thankul for friends who care about me during the not-so-exciting times of my life. I am grateful that there are ebbs and flows in life that give us hope that there is something in the works yet to come. Today I wait, wonder, and yarn over and let my thoughts turn to what it is. I love quiet days...filled with Hope.

The rising.

One of the wonderful parts about being a scrapper is that it makes it very much "okay" {not that anyone ever needs an excuse!} to go through photos, sift through memories, take lots of pictures, and hold onto mooments we might ordinarily miss in the busy, routine-ness of our days. I learned so much after Teagan's first year of life, just how quickly those days and moments fly by. So I had gotten better at grabbing my camera and snapping everyday moments during her second year and moreso as her baby brother, Brock, made his appearance in our lives.
Today I pulled out a small tote of photos and even just thumbing through a couple of sleeves of pictures I was taken back and reminded of some of the beautiful times I was lucky to have in my life. This picture of Teagan just jumped out at me today. We just had a big winter storm, so the dea of sunshine and short sleeves very muh appeals to me on this January snowy day in Michigan. =) The scene in that pictures is lost by the framing of the lens, but I still remember those days like they just happened. Brock {you can see his baby toes if you look closely} was 6 months old and was an easy going baby propped in his carseat where he could keep an eye on Teagan and me as we went about ur activities each day. Teagan was outside playing this day and I had handed her a few cheese crackers to munch on for afternoon snack. This is a rare look at her- where she is looking at me, but without all the normal mischief in her eyes. She probably turned and snacked her crackers while dancing in the grass after this picture. But those blue eyes and blond curls and perfectly shaped tiny lips were something that melted me everyday I spent with her.
As I flipped through the photo album today, I realized I have never stopped missing everything about her- even all these years later. My heart drops when I let myself accept the reality all over again, that yes, she was here. Yes, she was mine. Yes, she still makes my heart melt at the sight of her.
Oh to love someone so much and have them suddenly gone without one more time to dance and hug and sing a silly song together is the cruel reality of grief and death. It is the part that I have had to wrestle with and wrap my mind around- even as my heart longs for a different reality. It is the part that makes a good day just not as good as it could be. It is the part of living that makes the bad days that much worse. It is the part of living that makes me wish it didn't exist, but the very part that makes me want to rise above and choose happiness as much as I can.
The truth is I am not as good at rising as I once was. Or as I maybe thought I was. Or maybe I am just not as high as I had hoped to be in life by this time. Maybe I just never realized how far the climb from the pit of grief really is, but no matter the reason, I find myself wishing the happiness came easier. I posted about my word of the year being "soar". When I looked at this picture of Teagan today it brought a smile to my face and I could almost picture a soft pair of wings where her little sleeves are at her side. I know that wherever she is, she soars. I know that she still makes my heart flip- that I got to love her and hold her and nourish her and teach her new things and delight in her learning and at the end of the day I felt her hugs and nose rubs and kisses on my face. She is forever a part of me and I know that even on the days I don't soar the way I wish I could, that I have years of rising under my belt and sometimes if all I can do is look back and see how far I've come, that's a part of soaring too. I never want to lose sight of the rising. I am glad I have pictures of a little angel to help me reach higher too.

Our happily ever after...

I drove past a marquee today that had the names of a couple and their wedding date {August 4,2012} under the heading "Happily Ever After". When I look at these pictures taken just seconds after we were pronounced husband and wife, I love that I see smiles and sunshine and applause from the people around us who were in our lives and supporting our love for each other on that day. I love that even as I remember trying to keep my heels from sinking too deeply into the soft ground as I walked, that what was most on my mind was the fact that I was now "a new person".
I had just become "Mrs. John Ferlaak". Chip's real name is John. Nobody calls him that since he was given the nickname 'Chip' when he was about a year old. Nobody has ever called me Mrs. John Ferlaak that I can recall. But on that day I changed from Jody Hackett to Jody S. Ferlaak and I knew something big had occurred. I knew it was a big change. I knew that my name changing hadn't changed who I was exactly, but rather it was going to shape the who I would become for the rest of my life.
I am humbled to look at the beauty and joy and happiness that I can see when I look at all the photos from our wedding day. People search the world high and low to find what Chip and I have simply had from even before our wedding day. I knew without a doubt as I walked down the aisle that day that Chip would be with me by my side until one of us should perish. I knew from this day forward he would be by my side through the ups and downs- laughters and tears.
I am so grateful that he has not only walked hand in hand with me, but that he has been a rock when I'v needed him to stand strong for both of us. He has also been my soft place and a warm embrace over and over again when life has demanded that we simply weep together because there are no words. I am eternally humbled and even overwhelmed at times that we found this in one another. Those beautiful moments of happiness and joy as we walked hand in hand to our own version of "Happily Ever After" are even more special to me now as I look back and see where life's path has had us trod. My heels have often threatened to sink down deep- figurativeyly speaking- many, many times. I am just so lucky to know that I have someone willing to walk beside me and hold my hand...and because of him I am still to this day "Mrs. John Ferlaak". That name has changed me in many ways- it's true. For the better. And better. And I imagine, that if we are granted many more days and years together, there is better yet to come too! We are a very, very lucky couple!

That morning.

I can't tell you what I had for breakfast that morning. I wasn't really a coffee drinker at that time in my life, which is funny to me now considering how much I love my morning cup of coffee. I would definitely include a latte on my wedding morning to-do list if I were getting married now. I would have an extra dollop of whipped cream on it for good measure too. =)

I can tell you that I remember everyone else around me being a bit panicked about the weather. Our ceremony was scheduled in the afternoon and it was set up outside in Chip's parents' backyard/garden. I wasn't thrilled with the showers that were literally darkening the sky and pouring down rain on our mornng, but I can remember not feeling "worried" about it either. I just had this feeling that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. I didn't want my lack of control over the crazy weather happening outside to spoil my mood. Which, was one of total happiness inside- even though I have a very pensive look on my face for this photo. I was truly feeling a mix of calm and wonderful excitement all rolled into one.

Someone passed along the news to me that Chip's car battery was dead. And the rain showers were not expected to let up for at least a few hours. I remember thinking I probably wasn't going to eat lunch. Which I didn't. I was thinking that I would make up for it by eating a bigger piece of cake later on. =)

Looking back on it now I realize that I was doing then what I have so often had to do on occasion the past 17 years and that is- be flexible; be adaptable; be prepared to see beyond the immediate and be content that somehow it will all be beautiful in the end.

And you know what? It was!

As I finished putting the final touches on my hair and lipstick and stepped into my heels the clouds were literally beginning to part and the sun was starting to appear. When we first started our photos outside, there was still wet cement around the pool/patio area and friends and family were wiping down chairs from the rain and setting up a couple of large canopy tents. Which turned out to be needed even though the rain stopped. Because as the rain moved through, the humidty and sun kicked into high and it was a hot, sticky August afternoon for formalwear. The tents were a bit of shade from all the sun that showered down on our ceremony afterall.

I remember thanking God for both the sun and rain that day, for it gave me the opportunity to see that He cared to work out the little details of that day that just happened to be "big details" to Chip and me and the rest of us at our wedding that August 12th. I was so thankful that our plans all fell smoothly into place even though things didn't go as we had planned them. Oh, what a foreshadowing of what the rest of our lives would be like! I am glad that Chip and I stood hand in hand and invited God to be the center of our lives together from that day forward. I had no idea how much we would be unable to handle on our own, and how much we would indeed need God to carry us through. I am so glad that even as we declared our love in such a beautiful setting under a bright, sunny sky, God held our whole future in His hands.

I remember that the most important thing on my heart and mind as I finished getting ready and waited to wal down the aisle on the verge of the biggest event in my life, I was thankful that God had chosen Chip for me before I ever knew who he was. I was thankful that we loved Him and one another and I believed with all my heart that life was going to be amazing and beautiful. All of it.

What I have learned all these years later is that I was right. Having Chip by my side through the good and the bad has been a beautiful thing. I can only imagine there is a bit more beauty if we are blessed with more days and years together too. And I thank God already for bringing us together to walk our chosen path in life- the rainy days and the sunshiny days. All of them are a part of our story. If I could rewrite any part of our wedding morning, it wouldn't be to take the rain away. I would change the part of not having coffee. With an extra dollop of cream on top! =)

A bit of scrapping fun!

Tonight is the first "reveal night" that I have the privilege to be a part of over at Cocoa Daisy. If scrapping is as fun for you as it is for me...or if you want it to be, come on by and see what Cocoa Daisy has in store for the month of August. The pictures here are some of my sneak peeks and I was in love with everything I got to cut and glue and create out of this kit called Santa Fe Sunset.
There is even a thread on the message board where some of us have shared our favorite memories and/or places where we've experienced amazing sunrises and sunsets. We had a beautiful sunset a few nights ago just after a storm rolled through. The billowy clouds came out. The sky turned bright pink and then burst into a firey orange that had Crew almost jumping up and down. He was so excited he said, "Mom, look what painter did now...orange!" We saw a rainbow a minute later and I always so appreciate the reminder of the rainbow that God is ever-present. He is always at work in the world...and He will never let us go. Oh how I need that reminder so often!

This little light of mine.

{Photo by orange gearle via flickr.com}
Are you ever amazed when you come across a song or a quote or a photograph or a sunset or sunise that seems to just "speak to you" exactly in the way your heart, mind and/or spirit seem to be needing to "hear it"?! I love when that happens. Today, in one of my devotionals {Streams in the Desert devotionals compiled by Mrs. Chas E. Cowman, 1950} this spoke straight to my heart and I just feel like maybe by sharing it here it could speak to someone else too.
*   *   *   *   *
Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it. An unlit candle does no shining. Burning must come before shining. We cannot be of great use to others without cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering. We shrink from pain.
We are apt to feel that we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong, and able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service.
When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed with pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use, that we are not doing anything.
But if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing the most of our work. We are burning now, and shining because we are burning.

Our colorful start...

Tomorrow (August 12th) Chip and I will celebrate our 15th wedding annivesary and so I thought it would be fun to share a few photos and thoughts of how it all began. Fifteen years ago it was 1995; I was 22 and Chip was 27 years old. We had dated since January 1994 and were engaged in June that same year. We thought that we had been through a lot- both good and bad by that time, and we were ready to take on the world. Together.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I had no fears or reservations- only excitement and happiness inside! It felt like one of the most "right" things to do- I think I can speak for both of us when I say that. {Right, Chip?!} We had counted down the days, planned and prepared and looked forward to whatever life held for us from that day on.

The day started out overcast and quickly turned into Minnesota summer showers. I held my breath and hoped that the sun would come out just long enough for us to pull off our poolside/garden ceremony that we had set up in Chip's parent's backyard. I got my wish along with some major heat and humidity too! The rest of the day went just as we had planned. Family and friends surrounded us and shared the moments with us in which we vowed our love to one another and invited God to be at the center of it all.

Now, fifteen years later I can honestly say that it has been nothing like I imagined wedded life would be. Chip and I have not only been through some of life's darkest trials together, but we've faced things I never even dreamed. I had entered into a commitment with Chip thinking it would just be "us" forever- there were no kids in our future. We were both so surprised when on our first annivesary we learned that those plans had changed. Teagan arrived and changed my focus and heart toward kids. Then came Brock and Wyndham and a few moves across the country and the purchase of our first home and some financial worries {for me anyway} and then medical crisis for Wyndham and soon after, we even said our good-byes to Teagan forever- this side of Heaven.

In my wildest dreams, as we stood hand-in-hand on our wedding day, I never could have pictured how things would play out in the story of our life together. To think that we've been blessed with Isabella and Ava and Crew and now any minute another little baby will join our story, seems surreal at times. There have been moments where life felt like it couldn't get any sweeter... and other times when we were ready to give up on hope and each other for the simple fact that it just seemed as though it would be easier that way.

Thank goodness for me {and hopefully Chip would say for him too} I married a man who doesn't give up even when the world is stacked against us. He has no desire to "take the easy route" in life and I've seen him at his best sometimes when presented with challenges that would make others throw in the towel. He is fiercely competitive at his very core- but inside that same heart of his is a passion and love for me and all our family that shows itself so clearly- and makes my worries melt away whenever I am at my final straw too. He seems to know just how much of the world we can carry, and never tires of bearing more than his fair share through the years.

I consider myself to be blessed beyond measure when it comes to having Chip at my side. When we first met I would have told you that we were 'all wrong' for each other. But thankfully God knew what He had in store for us. I am so glad that Chip was persistent and bold and ready to romance me and then assure me that I was the right one for him all those years ago. I am thankful time and time again that God spared Chip's life- when our world crashed in and around us. I don't know that I would have survived such a loss without growing bitter and allowing my heart to grow cold for the rest of my days.

I have learned that marriage is hard- even on the good days, but is more than worth fighting for, even if we only lived 'bad days' from here on out. I would want those days to be with Chip and feel humbled and privileged at the same time, that I get to spend my life with him. Although I have no idea what the rest of our story will tell from this day on, I do know that it will be wrought with beauty and blessing and likely more challenges too. I look forward to whatever our future holds- as long as Chip is at my side. For 15 years now, my faith has grown, my love has deepened, my belief in us-with God at the center-has only affirmed that no matter how winding the path may be, it will never be more than we can bear.

Together.

* * * * *

To Chip, my husband and best friend,

May you always know that my heart holds nothing but love for you- even when the outward me has a hard time making you believe that as truth. I swore my love and devotion to you nearly 15 years ago and I meant every word. I still do and probably owe you many apologies from that day forward too. I know you love me with all your heart and there's something still so magical and wonderful and comforting in that. I don't take you for granted and hope I never will.

I thank God that He brought us together and planned things we never did. It has been a wild ride, but as the journey continues to unfold I know you and I are meant to live it together. For better; for worse- until death do us part.

Happy anniversary to us. Thank you a million times over for asking me to be yours. I am forever changed for the better.

All my love, Jody

xoxo

He gives and takes away...

Yesterday had its ups and downs. We {me most of all} feeling that we had had enough of our share of hurt and just too many 'not fun moments' especially considering what we were remembering. The road of suffering is sometimes long and winding and as much as I like to look for the silver linings along the way, some days they just don't shine and sparkle as much as one would hope. The overwhelming feeling that hit me was just how much we "try" to rise above the stuff that threatens to drag us down over and over again... only to feel like it's not even worth the effort some days.

That's what poured out in the form of tears from me last night after our plans for a simple family dinner out turned into "drama", as we often call it, as Wyndham got sick all over her plate/table just as her meal was served. Chip and I mumbled and grumbled as we cleaned and quickly left the establishment and then sulked in some really great pity the whole ride home. That's the honest truth. I had reached the end of my "seeing the beauty through the ashes" rope by the time we got home, which is why I ended up shaking and letting tears pour as Chip just held me and didn't say a word. Because frankly, after 9 years of living with grief we have learned when to speak and when to be silent. I think it's been one of the gifts that God has given each of us and truly has helped hold us together, rather than tear us apart.

So the emotions were kicked into high as were the stress levels, and I imagine at this point in my pregnancy certain hormones are not helping the situation either. =)

The words and prayers and encouragement left by so many 'strangers' and friends through facebook and this blog and email were a comfort though. I wondered what our day would have looked like had you all not been praying and caring for all of us. It would have likely been much worse! We so appreciate that many of you reach out and are moved or touch in a way to look at your own life a bit differently, or look forward to Heaven a bit more knowing that God has His hand in all our lives.

Today marks the day we made the decision to gift some of Teagan's organs in hopes of helping someone else needing a little miracle in life this side of Heaven too, and it's also the day I held her hand and pinky promised to love her forever for the very last time. (Teagan was hooked up to life support for 36 hours after the incident.) I've never forgotten that promise. My love for her has never changed; in fact sometimes her death has inspired me to want to live life to the fullest. I never expected that to come from grief, but I think it's a gift as well.

We went to bed feeling pretty down and out about life and all that we went through and continue to go through. After last week's ER visit for Wyndham and then last night another round of sickness, not to mention that she just had a filling fall out, we just felt like she of all people deserved better than what life hands her. Our pity-party is often more directed at what we feel we can't give our kids more than it is what Chip and I have to endure. We wish we could shield them from the "drama" and hurt more than we can so many times and that just burdens our hearts. The fact that we can't change our circumstances, and even as much as we try there will always be issues in our lives.

When I wakened today I crossed my fingers that Wyndham's bedding would be dry when I checked in on her... and thankfully it was. It seemed a small thing to wish for, but it's always the little things that pile up and push us back one step at a time. The air felt a bit cooler and I just asked God to give me more peace and maybe a bit of joy too, if that wasn't asking too much for my day. So far it's been much better than yesterday.

We let Wyndham sleep in and after a long, leisure brunch she seemed to be perking up- back to her usual self. I had my camera handy and went to snap a few photos of her smiling with me. My thoughts as I looked at her were mixed- thinking back to the picture from yesterday's post and just what she's been through- to see her smile is exactly the kind of joy that God reminds me is a gift that only can be explained by the healing He has done in her life. Yes, she suffers and does so more than anyone else I know and love and care about so much. But she also has an inner spark that dissolves any pity I feel when her face lights up the way it does so many times around here.

I know I haven't written as much or as often the past several months, and I think sometimes I feel like it's because my "stories" always sound the same.

We have our ups and downs; our highs and lows; joys and sorrows. They come in waves and I guess today I am writing to remind myself that God is always faithful to us. He lifts us up when we are down, and even though our valleys don't always seem to have a purpose to us, HE can bring purpose to them if we let Him.

After Wyndham and I snapped a few pictures I looked at the photos and realized I have a big grin on my face that 9 years ago I never thought I would see again. It was sort of a light-bulb moment of reflection and one that led me to snap some more photos. Of me and the growing baby belly I am carrying around with me too. Nine years ago I never dreamed that I would be counting down the days to our 7th baby. I don't think I could have been convinced back then that I would ever have more kids again. With 3 weeks or less to go until we welcome another life into our hearts and homes I am blown away at how God has moved in our lives. His ways have not been our ways- that's for sure, but they have taught us many things and brought us to a place where we know God can be trusted no matter what. He is a God who gives and takes away. We don't know what His reasons may be, but we know that His love will never let us down.

The smiles that He sends to Wyndham's face and to our other kids faces despite all the stuff we do go through is a testament that God cares about the details of our lives. He knows what we need and His timing is spot on every time. Even when it doesn't feel like it.

I can't help but think that Wyndham getting sick at dinner and my tears that flowed openly last night were actually tools that allowed me to grow even moreso today. It hurt at the time, but it sure made our smiles that much sweeter today. Who am I to question the tough stuff- even though we do when we're in the midst of it! I just want to tell myself today to hang on- to keep seeking the Joy that's out there, and never quit trying- even when it feels like we've hit bottom for the hundredth time.

God is always deeper than the bottom of our pits anyway. And I'm so glad He's there too; to pick us up, shake us off and help us start anew. I know we have more struggles that lie ahead. But thankfully God already knows that future too and I am going to cling to Him to help lead us through the bumps along the way.

And speaking of bumps, if you want to see just how big my baby belly has grown the past several weeks, just click on the photos above to enlarge. =)

Thanks again for "listening" to me here as I pour out my thoughts and heart on this blog. Our family appreciates your thoughts and care for us so much. Whether joys or sorrows... you are gifts too!

The power of pause-

One of the most powerful and moving moments during our trip to Oklahoma last week happened when everything stopped. The Folds of Honor Foundation headquarters sits just next door to the Patriot Golf Club building/pro shop and it is a beautiful structure complete with a bell tower at its peak.

The meaning of the name Folds of Honor comes from the thirteen folds in the flag- each representing something such as allegiance and honor and other worthy characteristics. The flag is always folded and given to the families of a fallen soldier. It is a powerful symbol and I am sure becomes quite a treasure for those grieving their loss to cling to.

At The Patriot Golf Club, while it is a spectacular golf course and wonderful place to enjoy the company of family and friends or business partners, our friend and club founder, Dan Rooney wanted it to be even more than just a nice place. His real purpose in creating such a place is for those fallen and disabled to be remembered and for the freedoms they fought for to be enjoyed by all. But the remembering part is of utmost importance. So, at precisely 1300 hours (1:00 pm) each day, the bell at the top of the foundation headquarters begins to toll and reaches to all corners of the course and its facilities. Dan asks that wherever you are; whatever you're doing, that at that moment you stop and pause and silently pause to pay respect for the ultimate sacrifice that so many people have made for our great nation. The bell then tolls 13 times- symbolizing the thirteen folds of the flag.

Chip and I were at the course on a couple of occasions when the bell began to toll. It was amazing and powerful for us to witness everyone and everything around us suddenly come to a halt-caps removed, heads bowed and people stood silently- for a long, solemn moment. I can hardly think of a time in my 'regular life' during the day in which everything suddenly comes to a halt and quiet fills the space for a full moment. So for me, to experience such an event with hundreds of people and activity swilring around me made quite an impact.

It seems such a powerful thing- and yet is a simple, quiet pause. Do you know how long a minute seems when there is no sound except the occasional bong of a bell? It feels much longer than a minute. And yet to think that thousands of lives have been given and we rarely take a moment to pause and remember and to be grateful for such sacrifice seems so unfair. The moment that the bell tolls at 1300 hour definitely gave me much to think about and made me so much more aware of what it truly means to be a patriot and give your all.

I was so inspired and moved by the impact I felt from a moment of quiet that I am now seeking to 'work' at least a moment of quiet into my life each day. And not just solely to think about sacrifice and freedom, but also because I realize how my soul is stirred by solace and quiet. As a busy mom of lots of little kids, quiet is hardly available to me and I realized just how much I truly appreciate it. Even for just a moment out of my day.

I write this all as a note to myself- I don't want to forget the power of pause. And if you are so inclined, I invite you to take a moment out of your own day and experience the same thing. I don't know what effect it will have on you, but in the busyness of our lives, it is something that is becoming more and more rare and hard to 'find'. I think it's something we all need a bit more of- quiet, reflective, powerful moments. Our souls were made for at least a small taste of that each day.

More than I imagined.

I never dreamed my lap and arms would be this full of kids and life and energy. I never dreamed that becoming a mom would change me as much as it has- since the first moment a baby was placed in my arms. The highs have been higher; the lows, lower. From great joy to deep sorrow and everything in between, I have experienced it and felt it over the past 13+ years. I had no idea I would change diapers non-stop for this long. I had no idea I would be asked to donate organs of one who had captured my heart. I had no idea I would lose so much sleep or shed so many tears. On the flipside...
I never knew that kids could whisper, "I love you" or "You're the best mom ever" and turn my mood around in an instant. My kids have asked more of me that I thought I could ever give some days, yet not a day goes by that demands too much of me. I always have more love to give. More kisses and hugs to share. More pinky-promises to swear to them of my undying love, and more hope in my heart for what they will become. I couldn't imagine ever having kids at one time in my life, and now I can't imagine what it will be like to hold my seventh child.
It is overwhelming to be a mom- on so many different levels- and yet it's the most natural, wonderful thing I know how to do. Love and wish and expect and dream and always be there for them no matter what. This is what motherhood means to me. I can only hope that I am living up to my expectations, if even in small part.
Being a mom has changed me. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I love you, Teagan, Brock, Wyndham, Bella, Ava, Crew and Baby who kicked me in the side through the whole church service this morning. =) You are undeserving gifts in my life. Forever and always. Thanks for helping me become the mom I am lucky enough to be. I love you!!

Little details... Happy Easter!

What a great time of year to look around and see the details of God's handiwork coming to life as spring bursts forth outside. We just finished coloring eggs (while Crew napped peacefully in the nearby room) and talked about how neat it is that God made so many colors and cool things like eggs and rain (it's raining out right now) and that in just a couple of days we'll find out if we're having a baby boy or girl. It's fun to see and feel the excitement of life through the perspective of a child.

Whether it's watching eggs change from white to rainbow colors or just hearing their laughter and eyes light up at the thought of another special day tomorrow, it's truly a remarkable thing. To think that there was a time in my life that I never wanted moments such as these. And now I wish they would never end!

Happy Easter to you. May the reality of what Christ did on the cross change your heart and life for all eternity!!

The wishing.

I don't know if I become more keenly aware of the brilliance of the changing colors of the leaves each year, or if at their peek my emotions are simply touched in new ways, but it always hits me at least once. This year is no exception. Some of the reds seem a deeper red. Some of the oranges and yellows are so vivid they seem to make the trees appear lit up. Despite the cold and the wet weather we have been having for several days, the leaves are still turning colors and the changing season is in full swing. That, coupled with the recent death of little Jaymun and the daily growth and changes we see in our little Crew from day to day, makes me pause and think and wonder and ponder. All over again.
I pulled out a couple of photos of Teagan and Brock and remembered the time I shared with them at this time of year. Fall can be such a fun time of the year- especially if the weather stays just warm enough to enjoy long afternoons outside. There's something so wonderful about the fresh air and crisp leaves and the reality that living in Michigan means the snow could start to fall at anytime, so you need to take advantage of being outside without being bundled up as much as you can. =) I recall those afternoons outside with Teagan and Brock so clearly. We would go next door and rake a couple of bags of leaves (after asking permission to rake and take their leaves!) and then bring them home to our front lawn and dump them out and jump in them. The leaves would spread wider and wider and Teagan would ask for the rake and I'm sure she would have even skipped dinner to stay outdoors and jump and play awhile longer. We moved from this home across town after the snow fell and as I looked at these pictures I realized Teagan never got to jump in the leaves at our "new" house.
I never would have imagined as I took this picture that this would be the last time I would capture Teagan on film playing in the leaves. I know I have looked at these pictures and wished for these moments back again. It happens every year. If you want to know the truth, it can happen anytime. It often does. Ask any parent who has lost a child and they will likely say the same thing I am writing here today. The "wishing" never ends.
There are moments I wish I had back. Moments I wish I could re-live. There are moments I wish I could do over. There are moments I wish I could freeze and never let them go. It's a part of grief that just is. The wishing. It never ends. A part of my heart will always be reserved for "wishing", however the other part of my heart knows there's something so intense and incredible about the "here". The now is to not be taken lightly, although I somehow lose sight of this fact all too often.

Yesterday as I reflected and rediscovered the brilliance of the changing colors of fall, I also was 'present enough' to grab the camera and capture the now. Crew is walking and becoming a little boy before my eyes. He is changing almost everyday! The other 4 kids are so full of energy too, but happen to be away at school and therapy more than he does, thus he gets in the pictures more often. But I still want to take note of these moments. I certainly could wish back a lot of moments from the past. The truth is I could very easily allow myself to get stuck in the wishing and wanting them back. I have found that when the "wishing" hits me, it can serve as a reminder to open my eyes to today. To the very moments I have right now.

There's something so amazing about giving my child a hug while thinking, "this feels so great and is truly a gift and someday I will wish for this moment back", as it happens. Or watching Crew take his wobbly steps and noticing the next day he has gotten faster and sturdier overnight and right then I know that I have been witness to yet another moment of wishing.

The changing colors of the season do make me miss Teagan so much and wish for a part of my simple life back. But it also colors my life in a way that helps me take on a new focus- one that sharpens the present and makes me feel very grateful for what I hold in my hands today.

The wishing.

Enjoying the views.

We had the chance to grab dinner overlooking Lake Michigan the other night. It was a perfect, summer night to be outside and take in the scenery that we don't enjoy often enough, despite living only minutes from this great beach.

We put our name on the waitlist for dinner and then let the kids grab dessert first at the local {one of our favorite spots!} Dairy Treat. They still ate their dinner really well and we took in the fresh air and watched the big boats go by at the same time. The sun set was spectacular and the kids ran on the beach for a few minutes just as it was going down. I love that something so beautiful and captivating comes at "no charge". It's almost magical to see the colors swirl in the sky and to let the kids chase the seagulls with the sun going down behind them... listening to their laughter and making simple memories- it's priceless. I just thought I'd share a few photos of our nice evening.

Brock was testing his new camera and is now at camp for the week. It's our warmest week of the summer, thus far, so he picked a good time for outdoor games and fun! I have to add though, that I'm sure he's having a great time and not homesick for us. He was excited and ready to be gone for a week. Bella on the otherhand is having 'reverse homesickness' and sobbed and sobbed last night at dinner. She said she couldn't even eat because she missed Brock so much. I wasn't prepared for her tears, but did manage to finally get her calmed down, eating and even laughing by dessert. I'm sure Brock will be touched that his little sister is missing him that much. =)