Home. Sweet. Home.

 

 

I almost don't know what to say. Life, as we start to settle into our new house, after just one week since our moving date is almost too good to be true. That's not to say that we haven't put in long days or worked hard for what we have. But all in all it has gone so much better and easier than Chip and I had anticipated.
We have already enjoyed the early morning sunrises, with beautiful pinks and orange hues right outside our bedroom window. We have checked out the local Farmers' Market and have enjoyed cooking some meals and making brownies in our new kitchen as we get unpacked and make it feel like home around here. The space just seems to work so well for the needs of our family, and having a clean slate to set up has gone smoothly just having it be fresh and clean too!
Today half of our kids started school. They are at three different schools and each of them seemed comfortable and even a bit excited about the new changes ahead of them. I have done a lot of praying about the friends they will meet and make, and I know they are ready to be challenged and grow in many ways as a result of this new experience in their lives too. Wyndham still has a few details to be worked out before she starts her classes and therapies, and Crew is in the registration process for starting preschool too. The house could get very quiet around here on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday mornings! I haven't been home with just one child in years!
I am pleased to tell you that Cocoa Daisy's September kit~ 5th and Main ~ is available for purchase now! You can get some of the extra papers too. The rest of the add-ons and The Day in the Life kit have sold out, but as you can see, the main kit is still full of so many great items that I can't wait to get back out of boxes and get to scrapping again! I have lots of unpacking to do when it comes to the kids' closets, my scrapbook space and we have a few big purchases to make- including the bed we are thinking about pictured above. SO much going on in such a short amount of time! It sort of makes my head spin when I pause to think about all of it. But at the same time it truly feels like home here already. It's as if a weight was lifted off of our shoulders when we moved into this place. I don't fully know how or why that it, but I can honestly tell you that it feels good.
So good in fact, that I am about to go make chocolate chip cookies so the kids have a yummy first-day-back-to-school snack when they walk in the door. Oh yes, for now anyway, life is sweet. and this place feels like Home.Sweet.Home.

So much more than Sketchbook~

These are just a few of the things I crafted using the latest kit from Cocoa Daisy. It's called Sketchbook and it is full of beautiful patterned papers and ribbon and fun alphabet stickers and a whole lot more! I received the tiny deer from a friend not long ago, and when I saw the colors in this kit it just seemed so fresh and spring-like, so I put the fawn in a little card box I had laying around since Christmas, and it turned into a cute little home for him. I have it sitting on my desk right now and it just makes me happy. SO that is a very good thing!
Another project I made is partially done. It's actually a work in progress, which I am excited about gradually filling in! the concept behind this tiny, embellished notebook is that each day I am writing down at least one "good thing" that happened, or that I did right, or that someone else did right at some point. I am hoping that seeing the good things fill up this book will serve as a tangible reminder that life does indeed hold many blessings and even though sometimes they don't jump out at us, it is always a good idea to take note of them. It certainly can't hurt to focus on the positive. Even if it is only one day at a time. We will get there. And in the process there will be lots of little things to note along the way.
Today, for instance, I am home again while Chip works late tonight. I am unable to get out or do anything with my kids, so we are in for another Friday night. But I put some lipstick on today. Just because. I listened to my kids laugh and play together. I got another to take a much-needed nap. And to top it off, we just might have popcorn and a movie on the dvr. It's nothing really. But when you look at it as another night in a warm house where nobody is sick and grateful just because we have a Dad who works, it's pretty great. So that's the deal with this little book. It's time to spin the focus and see that things could always be worse. We've learned that lesson already. Now it's time to find a reason to be happy. Hopefully I'll find them. One day at a time.

Standard of measurment~

{Click for larger photos, if you like.}
I have to tell you something about me. Maybe some of you know it already. Maybe some of you have seen this particular issue I struggle with in person. Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing.
It's that little thing called self-image.
You know... the way we see ourselves.
Well, the truth is I don't always have a nice picture of myself in my head. I don't always feel inside like the person others sometimes see on the outside.
I honestly can pinpoint certain times in my life and events that really shaped- or should I say 'mis-shaped' the person I am.
It certainly didn't come from my parents. Or my extended family or even close friends. Nope. Those people have loved me for who I am and have been for my whole life. My parents always made me feel that I was unique, important and most assuredly let me know they loved me and God loved me. From the earliest age I have memories I already knew I was loved.
I was even likable and funny most of my school years.
But in middle school I most remember not liking myself. I was a great student. I was a class clown in a lot of my classes. But I was slightly chubby for my height. I was almost always the shortest kid in my classes and certainly felt "bigger" than a lot of the pretty girls I went to school and church with. My older sister was always- ALWAYS- taller and thinner than me. Even if I went on more walks than her.
It was hard not to compare myself to other kids around me...and you know what? It sometimes still is hard for me to not compare myself to others. Thankfully I have grown up a lot, matured a little bit (what? I have!), and learned to love me for who I am. All grown up.
But there are lots of areas besides my weight, height and hair color that I can compare myself to others- things like how big my house is; are my kids happy like other kids? Do my spouse and me have as much time or fun or happiness as other married friends do? And the list goes on and on.
We live in a world that loves to compare and contrast. It loves to measure people by monetary standards, and happiness standards and success standards and... I think you know. If someone can measure or compare it, it happens. Whether consciously or subconsciously. We stack our stuff- our bodies and looks and pocketbooks and families and divorce rates and home values and whatever we have or are gets put on some sort of scale.
I sometimes feel overwhelmed as a mom of 6 kids at home, that I have to shield my young kids, or at least be responsible for the pressures they feel or will feel to "measure up" in this world. I sometimes feel a weight on my shoulders that I know I can never be big enough to lift. I just don't have enough power or ability to keep the messages and comparisons that inevitably will come their way at bay. The media is a big source for many of us for setting our measurement "standards". It's why advertising does or doesn't work that well.
Where am I going with all of this anyway? I'm not 100% sure, but I will say this...I think it's a big deal and I really wish it wasn't. I will say that I have gotten much better and more realistic about my standards of measurements over the past several years too. I feel very lucky and blessed to be married to a husband who loves me at size 6 just as much as size 16. He loves me when I make waffles too many nights a week for dinner just as much as when I make Greek Spaghetti. I am lucky to have been raised and loved by family, friends and to know that God sees me as lovable and worthy ALL THE TIME.
I feel lucky and blessed that I don't have to wonder about my self worth. I know nothing can make me a better person- things like plastic surgery or a new pair of shoes or owning the biggest diamond with the highest degree of clarity. I know that "stuff" can't change who I am and should never be the standard for which I try to measure up.
I guess I am pouring out my heart on the subject because sometimes it seems like we need reminders in life about these sorts of things. I am writing to remind myself. I am writing because as Thanksgiving approaches I want to be conscious and grateful of things that truly ARE blessings in life. And not just making a check-list of things I am grateful to have. I don't want to create a spreadsheet to document the things that society seems to want us to measure our worth by.
These thoughts come in large part to our upcoming move and all the details that we are working on right now. Things like de-cluttering and looking at our next house and the schools our kids will go to and just being mindful that even though I don't cook the best meals, or keep the neatest house, or even have nice family photos taken with just the right amount of natural sunlight and flare in them doesn't add or take away any of my worth or the worth of anyone around me.
I want to look at myself and like me for me. No.
I want to love me for me. For those scars I blogged a few posts ago. For the trials that I have endured and yet somehow have still managed to find ways to smile and love in life again. I want the people around me to know the real me. And love that paerson too. Not just the one they see with make-up on and seems to have it all together. I want my kids to know I love them- no matter their test scores or if they can even walk a flight of stairs or use the potty by themself. I want them to know that our standard of measurements are different than the ones they will likely encounter in the world. I want everyone to know that God loves each of us- not because we are perfect- but because we are imperfect and we recognize we need Him in order to be complete.
Whatever it is that you feel inadequate about today, I hope that you will pause and take a look in the "right mirror" and see if maybe you are judging to harshly. I am ready and feel like I am on a path of feeling more free, more happy and more ready to let go of needing to measure up. In lots of areas of my life. I'll never be the tallest or prettiest or smartest or richest or lots of other things. But I know that I can still be the best me I was made to be.

If you believe in karma, you can't believe in her...

One year ago at this time Chip and I were dancing with Wyndham in our living room, then getting her into her jammies and tucking her as cozy as we possibly could into her bed. It was the eve of her double-foot surgery. We knew we were in for some major life changes, and comfort was not going to be one of them. For her, or us. We knew life was about to get as challenging as it's been for us in a long while.

We just didn't have a clue it was going to drag on. For a whole year. Or more.

Trust me.

We've lived through lots and lots of medical situations and injuries that require extensive care and treatment. We've been through the wringer with grief and trauma and all that it takes out of you as you process it and work your way through it. We're no strangers to doctors telling us what to expect- and having it turn out more on the "worst case scenario" end of the spectrum. I guess I could just tell you we're not rookies when it comes to recovery after injuries.

But this time it was different.

There were no medical helicopters or ambulances rushing one of our loved ones off with the outcome {literally} up in the air. We were feeling cautious, yet hopeful as Wyndham faced a few months of immobility and healing. We had several consulations of various doctors- all who agreed and supported the decision to go ahead with the realignment surgery and tendon lengthening. They used words like, "Wyndham is a good candiate" and "you should expect her to do very well" and "this is something that's been done before yielding great results, so we expect the same or better for you too". As hesitant and unsure as I was going into these consults, I walked away from them each time certain that Chip and I were making the best decision for Wyndham to have the surgery done. We felt educated and informed. We had asked lots of questions. We had exhausted other less invasive measures for a few years and finally felt like we were at the place where there really was only one best option.

So we went ahead and had her surgery done.

I dreaded it and prayed about it for over a year. I asked God for a miracle. I fully expected that at some point along the way my prayers would be heard. I figured that even right up to the very last set of x-rays taken that the doctors would come back to our room and tell us that they couldn't believe it or explain it but there would be no surgery needed. I fully believed that God wanted to use Wyndham as a real-life miracle in an orthopedic office setting. It seemed an unusual place- but I knew God could do miracles anywhere. That's the way this story went. In my head and in my heart. I wanted nothing more than for Wyndham to avoid the pain and suffering that she would endure. I wanted nothing more than for her to be able to keep going to school and be "just like all the other kids". I wanted her to keep growing and playing and laughing and signing and riding bike like she had been doing so well for the past couple of years. We certainly didn't need her laid-up in double casts. It would never be a "good time" for that. But certainly not just 5 weeks after her new baby brother had been born. That's supposed to be the time for the family to bond and nuture one another and adjust to sleepless nights and just take it all in. Because a new baby brings enough change of its own. We're no rookies in that department either.

So I knew, one year ago, as I danced with Wyndham and tucked her in and then swaddled Teague and nursed him to sleep, that the morning would either bring miracle or hurt. For all of us. Unfortunately, God chose not to heal Wyndham's feet on their own, but instead Chip gave her a nice warm bath, she had to skip breakfast, and then we hugged her and sent her off- with a smile on her face- to have surgery on both of her feet/legs.

Chip called me with an update at one point and said she had all the nurses smiling as she held out her finger for the pulse-ox and she was just being the best patient ever. I imagined that she would be. This was the first time she was hospitalized and not sick. She was as healthy and strong and happy as she'd ever been. Which made it all the harder for me.

I'm sure it was still the pregnancy hormones in my body, but I spent most of that morning in tears. I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the worst thing that I could do as a mom- sign the papers and authorize my little girl to have bone taken from her pelvis and placed in both feet, as well as have her legs cut lengthwise on the back of her calves for her tendons to be lengthened. It was as if I were signing us up for suffering. Her for the physical pain and limitations it would put on her; Chip and me for the added demands and emotional/mental suffering we would feel as we helped nurse for her and give her the care needed to get her back on her feet. I cried because I knew that everyone of us in our family was going to hurt in some way. And I had basically said, "Go ahead... you have my okay."

In my defense, I really feel that even though we asked a hundred questions, and even though the therapists supported us and the physiatrist supported us and recommended her surgeon and even though Wyndham loved her surgeon and we all seemed so confident and ready to get this done, I still feel (looking back a year post surgery) like we were not given the full scope of what the worst-case scenario might be. We were told she would be in double casts up to her knees for 8 weeks. Then she would be in some orthodics- which would be adjusted as she progressed with her rehabilitation. There was never, ever mention that she would be needing a wheelchair one year later. Or more.

That never crossed my mind. We looked at it as suffering and life-style changes that would last through the winter months, but then by spring we would be ready to breathe in the newness of springtime and feel energized and see Wyndham flourish. We never dreamed that things would take a toll on her the way they did. She hardly moved out of her wheelchair for the first 6 months at all. We never dreamed her lack of good progress would take such a toll on our marriage and family dynamics. I guess I thought Chip and I would find a rhythm and things would sort of move along differently. But we are adaptable people. We've lived through traumas and seizures and sort of expected that in taking it one day at a time we would manage the way we always do.

With humor getting us through most of it, and with the light at the end of the tunnel guiding our way. Only this time, there were too many days where none of us laughed. The pain was managable for Wyndham. But beyond that I couldn't help but grow more and more resentful as the progress seemed too slow and the recovery more demanding than any of us had imagined it would be.

I shut myself off from the world. In part because we had a new baby and 4 other kids just doesn't make it convenient to go out and do anything anywhere. But I think I shut myself out and grew a little bit more resentful everyday because truth be told, in my heart and mind we had already paid the price of suffering. And even more than Chip and me, Wyndham had paid more than her fair share of suffering. With each day that we had to lift her out of bed, and with each diaper change that we had to roll her to her side and try to bathe as she lay helplessly looking on or watched her siblings go off to school or play the games they wanted to, it just dug like a knife in my heart.

I've heard a lot about karma the past few years. You know, the idea that what a person puts out into the world is what comes back to them? Well, I believe it to a point. A really tiny one. And then I toss that notion out the window. Why else would there be so many things written about why bad things happen to good people? Or what about natural disasters- they take anyone in their wake. There is no mercy or stopping for people who have meant their quota of good. Sometimes bad just happens.

As I've watched Wyndham's life unfold over more than a decade now, I've only seen from her "good". I mean literally her life was turned upside-down and her chances to put anything out in the world were stripped before she had even sat up on her own. She never even had the chance to say a bad word. She has only shown determination and joy everytime she's had the world turn against her. And there have been a lot of times. Yet somehow, she overcomes. She's a fighter... most often with humor being her method of finding her way back too. She has always had a high pain tolerance and she always manages to be the one that makes me see the light is still there. No matter how dark it's gotten through the years.

In fact, one of the biggest reasons Chip and I have fought to keep our marriage together and have been able to find joy and happiness in life after loss and tragedy is because we have looked at Wyndham (and Brock, and all our other kids too) and we've said we want to keep it together and give them the best that we can in spite of how we feel.

But this year has been different.

I've had to fight with me (follow me here- I'm talking about the me inside of me) because I've blamed myself and felt regret and basically I have tried to figure out why the suffering we've lived with has had to follow us for as long as it has. I truly believe that God is able to change our circumstances. I fully trust Him with all that happens in our lives. So to feel pain for so long and not lose the happiness we worked so hard to get back through the years has just added to the hurt I've carried inside. It's been tough.

I've gone around in circles and tried to figure out what we could have done differently. That never helps anything for me anyway. It just makes me wish for a "do over" and we all know that can't happen. So I feel disappointed too. That even though we've tried our best, it just isn't turning out the way we imagine it to.

One year later.

I've been riding my bike for the past 4 months or so. I average 10 miles each day. I've ridden over 500 miles and in the time it takes to pedal that far I have had a lot of thinking and wrestling and praying along the way. I've pedaled some days out of frustration. I've pedaled some days out of fear. I've pedaled some days out of regret. I've pedaled some days just because I know Teagan never got to ride a big girl bike and Wyndham will never bike alone. So I've biked for them. I've pedaled some days because I can't believe how good I feel. I've sometimes wondered if I'd ever feel "good" again. {The answer is yes!} I've pedaled some days asking God to take all the pain away. I've pedaled on other days thanking Him for being merciful and keeping Chip and me together to bear the burdens and still see beauty rise from them. I've thanked God for giving me the ability to finally let go of needing answers or seeing outcomes that I've predetermined in my own heart and mind. I've pedaled and wondered why He's given me so much when I sometimes act like the biggest baby in my whole family.

One year ago I knew Wyndham was going to wake up and then be taken from her cozy home and the next thing she would find herself throbbing and her legs would be in bright orange casts and her hip would ache, but she would never know why. I am sorry that I let it happen to her. I am sorry one year later that I didn't know better than to say no. I am sorry that I couldn't change the fact that she would be in a wheelchair for a year and give up so much. I am sorry that I couldn't make it better for her. I am sorry I couldn't take away the hurt. I regret that she has suffered and been changed- even though she is content in her chair and doesn't seem to feel pain now. She isn't back to the way she was. She still needs maximum support and aid for so many daily activities.

Chip and I have found as much of a "normal" groove in the past year as we can with her needs and those of 5 other kids. We've only just begun to find our way back to one another. I am still on my way of letting go of why all this has had to happen to us. I am still holding on to the hope that even if God chooses to not reveal the answers to my questions, that I can still trust Him and know that He can work it all for good.

My faith isn't dependent on needing the answers. But it sure depends on knowing the One that has them all. That's the bottom line. It's not about karma. It's not about who has done what and how good or bad it's been. It's not about our energy being worse than another families, and it's certainly not about Wyndham deserving of something bad yet again. It's been a journey, that's for sure.

As you can see from the photos, she IS doing well. We're ALL doing well. In many regards we have nothing to complain about. We have more than we need or deserve. Would we change things if we could... yes. But we are taking things as they come. And Teague is happy to spend time in the chair during the times Wyndham is out of it.

I continue to bike as often as I can and with each passing mile I am feeling more confident that no matter what our family endures, we will come out shining. I can't say that I believe in karma. But I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, I DO believe in overcoming. And if you believe in that, then you most definitely believe in Wyndham. And I believe Wyndham is here because God knows we all need to see what a miracle looks like everyday. I most assuredly believe in those.

I think it's more me than her...

How is it June already? I guess the previous month really got away from me more than I thought it would. I always have good intentions of dropping by here and posting updates or things that are happening, and then I find that it's 10 or later at night and I have nothing left to give anymore! So it's not for lack of topics- like I think I've mentioned before, but simply that the days are getting longer, warmer and even {somehow!} busier than they have been at any other time.

Teague is growing like a little weed. Or should I say a jumbo cupcake. =) The cupcake above was one I got up and frosted at 5:30 am the other morning so Bella could take it to her end-of-year 3rd grade class party. It happened to be her teacher's birthday too- so I had to go big instead of just ordinary. I find that baking makes me happy and baking fun, creative things makes me even happier. Even if it does cost me an hour or two of sleep and my blog suffers as a result too. I think the class appreciated it this time.

So Teague is growing and changing and finding new things to get himself into or onto each day. He has Crew and all his other bigger siblings to learn from and follow their examples- I just wish he wanted to take it a little more slowly at times. We found him near the top of a flight of stairs more than once this week. He's quick and he doesn't even look back! He is totally unaware of the danger involved and gets the biggest, proudest look on his face the higher he goes. I foresee a trip to the ER for stitches in his early childhood at some point in time. He's a little daredevil already!

I snapped a couple of pictures that are so routine around here right now with Wyndham still almost 100% of the time in her wheelchair and with Teague totally intrigued with everything about it despite the sharp edges, knobs and screws on it. You might notice he has access to a basket of toys and things all around the room he's in- but he has very little interest in anything if the chair is in sight. The only thing I found that catches his attention more than Wyndham's wheelchair is my pink vacuum. Just the things for a 9-month old baby to play with and chew on! I've been so frustrated and angry with how slow and drawn-out Wyndham's recovery from her feet has been. We have a doctor appointment coming up and are hoping to get some answers or even new direction/help on how to get her back to her previous state or at least more independent and we would LOVE to see her able to even use a walker rather than a chair. We have just entered the 9 month of having her unable to move around on her own and to say that I am tired and weary of it is an undertstatement. It has actually gotten much harder in many respects, rather than easier as the months continue to drag on.

The more I reflect on it, the more I can sense that my attitude and perspective have gotten clouded and I've begun to doubt that life will ever get back to "normal" again. It's only been in the last about 72 hours that I am convincing myself that if this IS the new normal and it IS as good as it may ever get, well then, I can accept that and even see that it will be okay. But I certainly don't want to believe it's true if there is still hope that things can turn around.

The picture of Wyndham smiling is one I took of her on a good day. She has had some major personality change- if you ask me- and sometimes I think she is just more accepting that this may be as "good as it gets" and she just endures her days in her chair. She certainly shows signs of wishing things different though- especially the other day when her sisters and little neighbor girls were out on our front lawn and she sat watching them out the window. They were running, jumping, laughing and rolling down the grass; Wyndham kept pointing outside.

My heart both leapt and broke at the same time. We have no ramp on our house and therefore because of the size and bulk of the chair and her I have very limited ability to get her outside. I've since been able to get her up and down our front steps with much effort- but it is really not an ideal situation. I call myself a prisoner in my own home whenever Chip has to be away. Which, as you can imagine with golf season in full swing, is often. We are working on getting one built and in place, but in the meantime it has been a mental and physical hurdle for me that we never even thought much about when went into this surgery last fall. I am feeling guilt and regret and wondering how much of me is what's holding Wyndham back.

Today is my day to fully, 120%, embrace a new outlook, attitude and big dreams. Not for me- but for her! And if she never gets to the point where she is wheelchair-free, well then my dreams will include that too. What I do know is that I can still get Wyndham to stand up and even as I provide support and stability, we can still dance together. This morning I held her up next to her bed and we danced a couple of measures- even with no music playing. So therein lies my hope and contentment today. I know that whatever happens we can still dance- even with no music at all. =)

Time for a new outlook...

Bella just got glasses yesterday. Moments after the kids came home from school/therapy the girls had a short photoshoot. Wyndham wanted in on the action. She was all smiles for the camera and was hamming it up for the girls. She can be very animated at times- especially when she feeds off the silliness of the other kids.

These pictures make me realize something I need to remind myself of more and more these days. That is just how much my attitude and reactions to things affect how my kids and other people react around me. Life has been more than tough and 'draining' around here the past 6 months or more. It seems like I keep saying that, but it's the truth.

Teague is a very happy, content baby. But he takes really short naps during the day and still wakes at night. Being content can still make for a tired momma. =) Add to that our hyper-active Crew. When I say 'hyperactive' I seriously mean that. He rarely calms down from morning til night. He fights to keep up with the older siblings and often stays ahead of them, or literally climbs all over them- just because that's how he rolls. He doesn't have an off switch and can turn on the 'bad attitude switch' just by waking up in the morning. It's been extra challenging for both Chip and me- and then the other kids too- as none of our other kids have ever been so demanding and strong-willed. He has his mind made up about things and there's little we can do to snap him out of his dramatic behaviors no matter how many activities we come up with for him. We like to joke that he has "2 minutes of nice-ness in him each day so don't use it up too quickly and enjoy it while it lasts". But we're still trying to find ways to manage the day-to-day happenings around here and keep telling ourselves that this time in our lives won't last forever.

It only feels like it will.

The update on Wyndham came yesterday when she had an appointement with her orthopedic surgeon. She has been very tenative about bearing weight and trying to walk still. It's been over 5 months since her surgery and the truth about her recovery is that we're more than wishing she were further along in getting back to her 'old self'. We weren't ever told to expect that it would take this long to get her mobile again. After her doctor visit yesterday we were told it could take up to about a year for her to have her full strength and mobility back. So I guess she is well on her way. She will be fitted for another set of AFO's and hopefully this next pair will give her more confidence and ease with getting on her feet again. She's definitely got her personality back most days. So that is a good thing.

I'll admit it right here- since I always like to keep it honest and real around here- I'm the one that feels like a failure most of the time and I'm ready to give up most days before I even finish my first cup of coffee. I feel like no matter how hard I try to see the good in the bad, or to bring happiness out of difficulties, or to trust that God is doing something that we can't see, that it just doesn't seem like it matters. In my heart I know it does and I understand that there are times in our lives that fighting for something is the only way to make it happen. But making healthy meals and staying on top of laundry and repeatedly getting Crew out of trouble and staying on top of homework and offering stimulating activities for Wyndham in her limited ability state and so much more seems to be taking its toll on me. I feel like I'm no longer able (and growing less willing) to keep up with the demands. I feel like each day I fall short and in so doing I 'lose a part of me' and go into the next day with less confidence and abilities. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually I feel like I am failing myself- and then failing everyone around me as a result.

There's still a part of me that says "don't throw in the towel quite yet". I have to say that Chip is a fighter too and he keeps saying we need to just hang in there and he definitely is the glue making our lives work much of the time. God seems awfully quiet even though I keep reading the Bible, have daily quiet times and devotions, and listen to praise and worship music. I'd love for my heart to feel the contentness that I've so often experienced in the past. I really truly want to find my way back to a positive, joyful me. I'm stumbling right now on my way and you know, I would love and appreciate any prayers that you guys have to offer up for me. All is not lost, but many of you know life can be tough for so many reasons.

I'm hanging on and thanking God when there are smiles to capture in pictures and praying that He will bring more peace and happiness to our hearts and home. The journey is still winding and twisting, but I want to believe that it is beautiful and worth all the struggles in the end. I think it's more than time for me to embrace a new outlook on life. I think I'm ready too.

These two little guys...

So here I am trying to strike a balance and find time to update a blog while maintaining some sense of control in our home at the same time. Not an easy task with Crew around- he is ALL about being and acting like a 2 year old. Which, according to his pediatrician, is perfectly normal and acceptable for him. Since he is 2! In these photos he had pulled Brock's Batman t-shirt out of the clean laundry basket and proceeded to wear it proudly all day long. He is quite the character in real life- even without this type of t-shirt on. He is wild and demanding and loud and stubborn and smart and into everything; in addition, he knows what he wants. Did I mention he is demanding?! Oh yes he is. But he has this way of pouring on the charm too. We only wish he would be more charming- more often! We are worn very thin by his demands most days, but that little bit of love he gives somehow makes us hang in there with him and try to work things out. However that turns out to be. One day we will tell him all about how he acted when he was two and likely he will grow into someone fiercely independent and able to do amazing things. Because that's exactly how I would describe him right now. Only the "amazing things" he does right now most often get him in trouble!

His little brother, Teague, on the other hand is quite the opposite these days. He is so mellow and happy and just a little bundle of charm. His eyes light up at almost everything he sees and everyone of the kids can make him smile and coo now. It makes us all melt and he seems to know that and it leads to more smiling and cooing. Teague is so observant and aware of his surroundings now. He still loves to be held and cuddled and smothered with kisses. And although he is just 11 weeks, it seems as if we've had him around forever. We couldn't imagine life without him. He's added a lot of love and happiness to our lives already! Now we do know that he will be 2 one day too, but for now, we're soaking him up just the way he is.

Wyndham continues to spend long days in her wheelchair or laying on the couch. I've nearly worn my back out having to lift her and change her diapers a few times this week. My body was not made to lift 80 lbs, but we're are managing to get through this extra-trying time for her. She seems to be more accepting of her double casts right now and rarely lets it affect her mood. I wish I could just roll with circumstances the way she does. We are lucky that she's such an easy-going kid too. It makes the hard times in life just a bit more tolerable. With 3 more weeks to go it is starting to seem like there is an end in sight for this phase of her recovery. Hopefully she will have her casts off jst in time for Thanksgiving and believe me, it will give us all something to be grateful for! Or should I say one MORE thing to be thankful for. We are a big, busy family, but when I pause long enough to reflect on it or write out a few thoughts on life right now, I can see clearly how we are blessed as well. Blessed- even with challenges and an independent 2 year old. =) Hope you're finding things to be grateful for as November gets underway. Being grateful for small things each day can lead to a heart filled to the brim with contentment all life long!

On my mind today...

These colorful felt pinwheels caught my eye on Elsie's blog. You can purchase a bouquet of pinwheels here... and find more inspiration at the creator's blog- Giant Dwarf. I just think it's fun to share ideas and things that inspire me from time to time. Simple things. I think it helps remind my husband that I'd rather have a bouquet of felt pinwheels than roses too. He forgets how practical I am at heart and I know he still reads my blog from time to time, so this post is especially for him. {wink}
Now. On a totally different topic...
Do any of you feel relieved and convicted at the same time when you hear ongoing media coverage about such people as Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock? I'm just thinking outloud for a minute, because it's something that's been on my heart and mind the past several days. First of all, my heart breaks ANY time I hear that a marriage is being rocked. Whether it's because of financial strain, marital infedelity or any number of other reasons. I know firsthand what a challenge marriage is to maintain, and especially in our American society, it is so easy to "throw away" when the going gets tough.
So when I hear stories of struggling marriages I stop and thank God that He has and continues to hold mine together. It is a challenge to make a marriage relationship a priority and it is easy to let stuff pile up or come between a husband and wife. I am humbled and grateful that my marriage- while far from perfect- is still intact and even wonderful at times. I don't take that lightly and I know what a gift it is. Every single day.
The other thing I have been thinking about is how easy it is to stop and point a finger or to feel "arrogant" when {especially big celebrity couples} marriages break down. It seems all too easy to say, "Boy, I'm glad I would never do something like that... or How could that even happen?". The fact is, none of us are immune to the things of this world that seek to tempt us, drag us down, rip us apart and in short, break up a sacred union. We live in a fallen, sinful world and these sorts of stories in the news- as much as they make me hurt for those behind the headlines- seem to be quiet reminders that I need to do as the Bible says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Prov. 4:23
Having the world at your fingertips, and money and fame may seem to be glamourous and wonderful. But in this broken world I am learning to thank God for what I have, to be content and even very satisfied with the things I do have. I have been praying for people I know in stressful marriages and even praying that God can be glorified and bring good out of the hardships and struggles that marriages can encounter. He is the One thing that has been the source and strength in my marriage to Chip and I know that He desires nothing more than to bless even the rockiest marriage. I am glad that we can trust and turn to Him. No matter how tough life gets at times.

Distorted view...part 1.

I've had some thoughts going through my head about perfectionism and self-image and how those things affect our joy and contentment level in life. At least there seems to be a connection between them as I look at my own life. So I'm going to blog some of my thoughts and they may turn into a mini-series here if I get them all out of my head. I just don't know how coherent or meaningful they will be to you. But feel free to read along with me as I 'talk outloud' and as always, I'll read your comments and reflect on those too.

The pictures here (aside from the one of Crew, which I posted just to show you his grin and adorable tongue again...ha!) were some I forgot we took during spring break when our family visited the Grand Rapids Children Museum. Apart from waiting outside for about 35 minutes in a chilly breeze, we all enjoyed the activities and fun that took place in early April. The family picture we got in the ripple mirror just happens to be one where we are all looking into the camera at the same time. Isn't that the way it goes? The one time we actually all have our heads in the same direction is the one time we're standing in front of a mirror that takes at least 4 inches off your height and adds at least 25 pounds! But look at our smiles! We were all having fun and actually smiling more because of our mishapen bodies.

Which brings me to one of the points of writing this post. I'm well beyond my middle school and teen years in which I had such low self-esteem, and yet sadly, years later, I still find myself seeing my 'flaws" first and most obvious each time I look into a mirror or see my reflection somewhere. I'm wondering when and if that ever goes away?! I've fully come to accept my short height (I'm 5-2) and know that I'll never be a size 2, and that doesn't bother me. I've been size 8-14 for several years now and have found little correlation between the reading on a scale when I step on it and the happiness I experience in my day-to-day life. Don't get me wrong, I can get crabby and find myself grumpy about food when my weight starts to tip the scale more than I like, but it certainly doesn't hold true all that often. I've been my lowest weight and also been most unhappy too, so it's obvious to me that numbers don't determine happiness.

Just as true about weight is money, if you ask me. Having more of it doesn't automatically mean you'll be happier. Some of the people I've been around that have money/material wealth also have had a lot of heartache over 'stuff' and broken relationships too. More often than not, it seems to me that having money just adds to stress levels in life. As someone once said, the millionaires are striving to become multi-millionaires and the more you achieve, the more work it takes to try to achieve the success you are aiming for. Once you've arrived where you want to be you find there's another world awaiting you and you start climbing the ladder to the next level of success. It's never-ending and certainly doesn't get easier on the way up.

But that's sort of another topic all on its own.

What I've really been thinking about is how God loves us as we are- whether we've accepted His grace and love in our life or not. Other than asking Him for forgiveness and inviting Him into our hearts and lives, there is nothing we can do to earn His favor.

Nothing.

That reality- that God loves us as we are- is such a comfort to me and one I've been trying to think about as I go through my day-to-day activities, oftentimes doing the same tasks over and over, feeling as though they really aren't that significant in the scheme of life. But it's in the very ordinary, mundane tasks that I feel most affirmed in who I am too. It's crazy how that works, but I'm beginning to finally accept that I never will be {or ever claim to be!} SuperMom or SuperWoman or SuperAnything, and that's perfectly okay. It doesn't mean God can't use me or that I'm failing in my life. My faults, downfalls and inadequacies actually build in me more humility, more empathy, keep me dependent on God and serve to remind me that I'm forever a work in progress.

I know this is getting a bit long, but I have one more thought to get out of my head. I've been thinking about some of the "stories behind the stories" that I grew up listening to and now share with my kids from the Bible. One of my favorites has always been the story of the loaves and fish. Do you know the one? Jesus was teaching a great multitude of people and the day got longer and longer and soon the disciples realized that the people were going to need a dinner break. They went to Jesus and told them that they had no food to feed the thousands of hungry people and they asked him what they should do. Jesus basically said, "feed them". With what, the disciples wondered? So they went through the crowds and in the end found only one little boy with a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread. They brought it to Jesus and many of you will recall that Jesus not only multiplied the little lunch, but there were 12 baskets leftover too!

Recently, as a mom, when I read that story again, I couldn't help but think about the mother who packed the little sack lunch for her son. The Bible doesn't tell us anything about her, but I just wonder if she wasn't an overworked woman with household chores and duties that seemed never-ending and even a 'waste of her time' most days. Yet, she made sure her son had nourishment and she sent him off to hear a teacher one day and went about her business. I wonder what she thought when her boy came home full of excitement and out-of-breath, anxious and tripping over his words as he retold the story of the miracle Jesus did with his little lunch. I wonder if her heart was forever changed from that day on as she went about her day-to-day chores. What had once felt mundane and like drudgery, now served as a reminder that God didn't need her to be a superhero or even do anything all that significant. What He did was take what she had, which in this instance was a boy who was willing to share his lunch that his mom had made- she obviously had taught him to be generous and the combination of his little lunch and willing heart fed thousands.

I get overwhelmed at times- not with the tasks that I have to do each day- but more often than not, it's from a distorted view of who I am and what I should be doing. I thank God that He can take what I have to give- no matter how big or small my gifts may be- and He can use them and even multiply them in my life and others. How great is our God?! He has proved Himself in my life and others to be faithful and good, time and time again. I'm so glad that He doesn't demand perfection or even some crazy, expensive payment in order to receive His grace and mercy. He'll take whatever it is we have to offer. And He has the ability to turn it into something great. That's just who He is.

In the moment.

I am big believer in living and loving the right here; right now. I happened upon the quote posted above by Ayn Rand through this blog. It's a quote so poignant and inspiring. Too many people waste their days longing and wishing for something they can't have- something from their past, or thinking something is out-of-reach in their future. The desperation they feel starts out maybe as a small twinge in their heart/soul, but as time goes on they give into that belief system and soon they have a roaring fire ranging in them that literally controls their life.

It's sad, but happens all too often, leaving in it's wake broken relationships, bitter hearts, self-pity, gloom and dismay. Do you know anyone like this in your life? It can happen suddenly too. I sat in a dark valley myself realizing at one point that there is always a choice to divert from life's dark path and choose a new Way. Fortunately in my situation I had many friends and family and a God who loved me and gave me a feeling of Hope that choosing a better way out of sorrow would make life worth living- even after Teagan's death. In the depths of despair, I felt the need to move beyond that and wanted something More in life. I wanted beauty and Joy too.

I thank God for giving me many blessings- even on the twisted, winding path I've been walking for years. It's been wrought with pain and sorrow and confusion and questions, but I've learned that not wallowing in it or closing out the world and hiding in the pain has opened up new and amazing moments. Moments I would have otherwise missed. This is what I hope to inspire out of the pain of my life. That no matter what comes- and pain and heartache DOES come, there is always a chance to find beauty and Hope.

One of my friends has a beautiful story of hope in her own life. She has learned some of the same lessons in life that I have- that you can choose beauty and Joy and hope is never out of reach. Andrea is giving away a class on her blog if you stop by and leave her a comment. You will love some of the creations she makes and she has some really wonderful techniques to inspire you too. Stop by and tell her Nitty.Gritty. sent you. =) She'll get a kick out of that.

I challenge you to embrace your moments today. Big or little; exciting or mundane; challenging or comfortable. Imagine there is no tomorrow, how can that thought impact the way you live today? Choose contentment; let go of an expectation; forgive a wrongdoing; see something in a new way; live in this moment and find it can make all the difference in the world.

Good stuff.

I'm still here. I've been managing the kids/home since Friday all by myself as Chip is in Chicago at the golf show. Five to one is good odds for some things, but can be a little tiring when you're talkin' five kids to one mom. Especially when they all think they need me for something all at the same time! Luckily I've been practicing patience, and as you can see from the kids in this picture taken just as they were heading to bed, they are all still happy, healthy and even bathed at the end of a long weekend. As you can also see, I didn't post a picture of me. I'm sure I look like I need a cat nap. Or some alone time. =)

I will tell you that I actually enjoy time with my kids. I know some people can't wait to head out the door and leave the kids to someone else's care, but I really feel fortunate that I can be home full time. Yes, I admit, it can be exhausting and I do skip my share of showers and putting on make-up, but the little sacrifices are so worth the rewards I get to experience. One of the little rewards for me today was from Bella at about 3 o'clock. She came up to me and handed me a folded up piece of paper. When I opened it up it read, "This is a secret: I love you forever and ever. Love Isabella".

How sweet is that?! It's little things like that when I feel so happy to be home and find that even though I do have to repeat myself over and over at times, or never get caught up with folding and putting away laundry, that help make my days. I sometimes go hours on end without adult conversation or days without leaving the house, but I find I don't even mind it all that much.

Another highlight of my weekend happened late Friday afternoon. The Fed-Ex man dropped off an unexpected package. Much to my surprise (and Ava's too, as you see her in the top photo) it was a box FULL of K&Company scrapbooking supplies. I am blown away by not only the amount/number of items, but their amazing quality and how fun the new product lines are! I owe a big thank you to Megan... I can't wait to create some fun things with all of this suprise "stuff". I think I may be offering some random give-aways once I make some things too. So keep and eye out for those.

You do know that I refer to myself from time to time as a "SAHM"...not "Stay At Home Mom" but rather "Stuck At Home Mom", right?! If I do have to be stuck at home (which I just mentioned how I'm okay with that too?!), I feel very lucky to have great kids and lots of craft projects to keep me busy as well. =) You can also find me at Facebook on occasion (send me a note that says blog reader or something to that effect if you want to add me...I'm Jody Ferlaak), in addition to that I am getting acquainted with Skype too. I love it! I'm wondering why everyone in the world that has a computer and web cam isn't doing this yet. It's so great! Or maybe I'm just easily entertained. Either way, I really like Skype.

Ava loves it too.

I have to mention the bike pictured in the post here- it's Wyndham's new bike that is specially fitted for her. We are all excited to see her put it to use as soon as the weather warms up here in Michigan. She always wants to do what other kids around here are doing, and so we are very grateful that she was able to get this custom bike after being approved for it by her physiatrist. I hope she has lots of confidence on it, and that it will be one more big milestone for her to be able to ride a bike- just like all the other kids. Wish her luck and you can be sure I'll post pictures of her on it, just as soon as we get our first photo op.

Finally, I want to share a quote I heard on the radio today. I think it is a good one to read and re-read and then challenge us in our daily living. It reads: "The way we live our lives is a measure of our contentment toward God."

Happy first day of March to all of you!

Pure happiness.

Little Crew. That first picture is pure happiness. He has been such a content baby this week as he's discovering his toes and becoming so aware of his surroundings. I think he likes it here. =) His giggles and smiles and squeals and all those little baby wrinkles just melt us and make us all happy to have him in our lives. He gets smothered with kisses- and doesn't seem to mind them at all. (See more of Crew in his colored hats by clicking this link.)

Today breakfast went smooth and everyone was ready to leave the house on time. Despite the snow that was falling and the fact that Chip was flying to Florida today. I think happiness peaks on Friday around here. =)

So, Chip is gone for a few days, and I am actually taking it all in stride. I've got Wall-e in the dvd player and all 5 kids in jammies and ready for bed as soon as the movie is done. Then, my plan is to have them all stay in their jammies- at least for a couple of days. It'll save me the trouble of extra laundry, and knowing my kids the way I do, it will likely earn me points toward " Best Mommy of the Year" award. Which is why I let them eat Easy Mac, apple slices and Trix rainbow yogurt for dinner. Yep. I'm realizing that happiness for kids is sometimes so easy. I'm the one that makes it hard by cooking chicken and vegetables for dinner. =)

Here's to happiness and extended stays in pajamas. Feel free to join us and relax all weekend too!

Come on, get happy...

I came across this anonymous quote and it's been on my mind for a couple of days now. It says:
"Happiness doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It simply means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."
Exactly.
I've talked here about happiness and contentment in previous posts, but find that they are topics that can't really be overdone. There is always something to strive for when it comes to finding that place inside yourself and outside of yourself where you can be happy and/or content. I have been thinking about how our nation, in general, is having to change its perspective on wealth, money and happiness with the troubling economy and outlook we face. I think for too long, too many people were chasing "happiness" as it's defined by others- rather than what actually makes them happy.
Too many times people buy into advertising or neighbors setting the 'standard' for happiness. Or they buy into the idea that success/money will make you happy and they end up working longer hours or more jobs or taking work home with them. None of it actually leads to happiness for 99.9% of the people trying to juggle more things in their life. It just leads to frustrations in marriages, in the workplace, stress or feelings of failure as a parent/friend/spouse and so on. The fact is that happiness can't be defined by people outside of ourselves. We have to determine that on our own and it looks different for each one of us! The advertisers for products/services would like you to believe that we all want the same thing- a bigger burger, a high-tech phone, the lastest model car, the fastest weight-loss plan, the shiniest hair and all the other things you see on tv and billboards and in the magazines.
The truth is that the best way to find happiness is to be quiet and really tune out the world from time to time. Ask yourself what is it that makes you happy? Is it really a big car? Or could it be something simpler than that? There's more to life than stuff and the sooner we all learn that, the happier and, I suggest, more "free" we are to find that happiness. It comes in all shapes and sizes and sometimes I think the more "imperfect" or simple or scaled-back we can keep things in our lives, the greater the chance we have at being happy.
Now I don't claim to have the world's happiest life. Not by a long shot. But I do like to think that I am on the path for finding it and at times along the way there is happiness in abundance in my life. I think there is great satisfaction too, in knowing that happiness is something we can have even when things aren't so rosy in life. To me, happiness is more about a sense of fulfillment and not living with worry, than it is about having everything you want or having everything fall perfectly into place.
I'm not sure why I felt the need to put this all in writing, but I hope it makes us stop and think. Life really is so short that I feel like some people spend all their time searching for happiness and then missing it when it shows up- only because they have grand ideas of how they want it to look. I'm learning that happiness can and often is the most simply, no-cost things in life. Like dancing with your kids- even when there's no music playing. Or recalling a memory that you never want to forget. It can be riding the cart out to your car at the grocery store, feeling thankful that you have the ability to move on your own and feel the air on your face. It's noticing when someone needs a pick-me-up and being the one to call them and say, "I'm so glad we're friends".
Happiness really is simple.
I'm making a point to notice it in my day-to-day life more often.
I hope you'll join me on this simple quest.
It can make such a difference in life.
I hope it does too!