Thursday, June 02, 2011

I think it's more me than her...

How is it June already? I guess the previous month really got away from me more than I thought it would. I always have good intentions of dropping by here and posting updates or things that are happening, and then I find that it's 10 or later at night and I have nothing left to give anymore! So it's not for lack of topics- like I think I've mentioned before, but simply that the days are getting longer, warmer and even {somehow!} busier than they have been at any other time.

Teague is growing like a little weed. Or should I say a jumbo cupcake. =) The cupcake above was one I got up and frosted at 5:30 am the other morning so Bella could take it to her end-of-year 3rd grade class party. It happened to be her teacher's birthday too- so I had to go big instead of just ordinary. I find that baking makes me happy and baking fun, creative things makes me even happier. Even if it does cost me an hour or two of sleep and my blog suffers as a result too. I think the class appreciated it this time.

So Teague is growing and changing and finding new things to get himself into or onto each day. He has Crew and all his other bigger siblings to learn from and follow their examples- I just wish he wanted to take it a little more slowly at times. We found him near the top of a flight of stairs more than once this week. He's quick and he doesn't even look back! He is totally unaware of the danger involved and gets the biggest, proudest look on his face the higher he goes. I foresee a trip to the ER for stitches in his early childhood at some point in time. He's a little daredevil already!

I snapped a couple of pictures that are so routine around here right now with Wyndham still almost 100% of the time in her wheelchair and with Teague totally intrigued with everything about it despite the sharp edges, knobs and screws on it. You might notice he has access to a basket of toys and things all around the room he's in- but he has very little interest in anything if the chair is in sight. The only thing I found that catches his attention more than Wyndham's wheelchair is my pink vacuum. Just the things for a 9-month old baby to play with and chew on! I've been so frustrated and angry with how slow and drawn-out Wyndham's recovery from her feet has been. We have a doctor appointment coming up and are hoping to get some answers or even new direction/help on how to get her back to her previous state or at least more independent and we would LOVE to see her able to even use a walker rather than a chair. We have just entered the 9 month of having her unable to move around on her own and to say that I am tired and weary of it is an undertstatement. It has actually gotten much harder in many respects, rather than easier as the months continue to drag on.

The more I reflect on it, the more I can sense that my attitude and perspective have gotten clouded and I've begun to doubt that life will ever get back to "normal" again. It's only been in the last about 72 hours that I am convincing myself that if this IS the new normal and it IS as good as it may ever get, well then, I can accept that and even see that it will be okay. But I certainly don't want to believe it's true if there is still hope that things can turn around.

The picture of Wyndham smiling is one I took of her on a good day. She has had some major personality change- if you ask me- and sometimes I think she is just more accepting that this may be as "good as it gets" and she just endures her days in her chair. She certainly shows signs of wishing things different though- especially the other day when her sisters and little neighbor girls were out on our front lawn and she sat watching them out the window. They were running, jumping, laughing and rolling down the grass; Wyndham kept pointing outside.

My heart both leapt and broke at the same time. We have no ramp on our house and therefore because of the size and bulk of the chair and her I have very limited ability to get her outside. I've since been able to get her up and down our front steps with much effort- but it is really not an ideal situation. I call myself a prisoner in my own home whenever Chip has to be away. Which, as you can imagine with golf season in full swing, is often. We are working on getting one built and in place, but in the meantime it has been a mental and physical hurdle for me that we never even thought much about when went into this surgery last fall. I am feeling guilt and regret and wondering how much of me is what's holding Wyndham back.

Today is my day to fully, 120%, embrace a new outlook, attitude and big dreams. Not for me- but for her! And if she never gets to the point where she is wheelchair-free, well then my dreams will include that too. What I do know is that I can still get Wyndham to stand up and even as I provide support and stability, we can still dance together. This morning I held her up next to her bed and we danced a couple of measures- even with no music playing. So therein lies my hope and contentment today. I know that whatever happens we can still dance- even with no music at all. =)


Be the change... said...

You are sounding better...keep you head high and your heart open. Wyndham is going to rebound-you need a ramp! Get that hubby out building!

Jan C. said...

My dad built ramps for my sister's wheelchair out of wood, screws, paint, and some non-slip strips, and they lasted for decades. Recently my mom hired someone to rebuild them. You can also buy metal versions online and they are not as expensive as you might think. Far less expensive than back surgery for Mom and Dad, I'm sure! You and Wyndham need the freedom factor, so I hope you look into it, just in case that chair is around for awhile.

chicks3 said...

Once the ramps are built, will there be PT available to Wyndham?

LaVon Baker said...

So glad that you feel the freedom to share your frustrations with your readers. You need to do that. It helps us girls to just talk it out. You are going to be okay and so is Wyndham, whatever the outcome. God is with you every step of the way and He has an awesome plan for both of you and the rest of the family.
"I trust You, Lord."

jenny said...

Keep dancing, sweet Jody! You are in my prayers.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Lara in CA said...

Jody, I have read your blog for many years. I've been worried about you this year because you are posting so infrequently and when you do post, they are often heavy hearted. I can't tell you how many times I have wished I lived closer to you so I could become your friend and lend a helping hand. You are an amazing mom. It's clear that you love your kids and are providing a loving, nurturing environment for them to blossom. Many, many women feel depressed and overwhelmed with motherhood and we don't have as many kids as you nor have we had to endure the hardships that you have faced. Do you have friends or family nearby that you can ask for help? You need some time away from the kids every week to recharge and rejuvenate yourself!

I hope you can get a wheelchair ramp soon to give you and Wyndham a little more freedom. Especially with the weather getting warmer, it will pep you both up to be able to get outside to enjoy it.

I'm praying for you Jody. Be gentle on yourself. You really are an inspiration to many readers you don't even know. We are here for moral support!

Hugs from CA,

Rachel said...

Wow with tears in my eyes I am praying for you and precious Wyndham. Her situation always puts my minor problems into perspective. Praying you all can get a ramp soon and Wyndham can get on her feet and outside! I have been reading a wonderful book I think you wold enjoy. It is called One Thousand Gifts by ANn Voskamp. It is about looking for and becoming more aware of God's small gifts (including gian cupcakes:) in our daily lives it has really helped me and many others have a more positive perspective on daily life. Here is the inspiring trailer
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel in TN

Heather from Ontario Canada said...

I was wondering how much does Wyndham understand? If you explained to her that Teague is in danger with the chair and encouraged her to sit on the sofa, or play on the floor, for a while. Increase the amount of time a bit each day and move the chair into another room, would this encorage her to try and become more independant? Would playing on the floor with Teague help her to use her legs more than sitting in the chair all the time? I might be way off in left field with these questions but I was just thinking.

Bonnie said... much would the wheelchair ramp cost? Please let me know. You and your beautiful sweet family are constantly in my prayers. XOXOXO

Anonymous said...

Sending you lots of love today, Jody!

BT Laurie said...

Thank you for sharing - the struggle, the hope, the questions, the waiting. Faith is just so daily.
Christ is shining through you.

Anonymous said...

I am reading your blog at the end of my day. Just when I was feeling sorry for myself that I had worked so hard around the house this weekend. My body hurts, Im stiff and incredibly tired , wondering how to gather the strength to climb the steps for bed. I have nothing left in me. How many nights do you NOT feel this way? You have the weight of the world on you. I cant even imagine.
You are special and God has given you an amazing family. I hope you are able to get help around the house. Maybe a high school girl off for the summer? Get out and look up! God is smiling. wish I were your neighbor so I could help you out.