When there is no love.

 

 

I'll be honest. There is a lot of stuff going on in the world and nothing grabs my attention more than news stories where everyone is minding their own business and trying to just enjoy their corner of the world, or partaking in something fun or beautiful, when suddenly their lives are forever changed by something horrible. I feel their pain on a very real level and know what grief and healing and finding a "new normal" means. Since the most recent bombing at the Boston Marathon, I have lifted prayers for the victims and their families a number of times in just the past two days. It is heartbreaking and it is a jolt back to reality that none of us knows how much time we have on this earth and that we need to make the most of each day we are given.
I have been struggling with the move back here to Michigan- away from family and many new friends. It has been an unreasonably long, cold winter, and the gloom of cold dark days lingers even now. We have had our snow melt away, and the temperatures are starting to climb, but between the news stories, this move, the long winter and all that goes into that, I am so, so ready for sunshine and fresh air again. I am ready for new growth and new life. Literally and figuratively.
I am almost embarrassed to say that one of the things I am struggling with in the move back to our home is our yard. It seems such a trite thing in the scheme of things, but it is something that in the past we put a lot of time and effort and energy into. We use our yard so much and love to be outside, but as the snow has melted away it has only revealed just how awful our yard turned in just one summer's time of neglect. Last year happened to be a dreadful summer- between the high heat and the lack of rain- that our yard just couldn't sustain itself with no tennants. We moved back in November and I knew it was going to be dead this spring. But I didn't realize just how "dead" it was going to be. The top photo is from a couple of summer's back. The next two pictures are of our house yesterday. Even though the sky was blue, the photos speak for themselves. Chip- my eternal optimist husband- says it will be back and better than ever by June 1. I am more reserved in my support of that thought and would be happy if we just had a thin layer of grass sprouting back by then. The whole yard and landscape have to be redone.
It has opened my eyes to the fact that "good" doesn't just grow. Weeds grow. Good dies. Green turns brown and dried in a hurry of it's not watered and nutured and cared for properly. I can't help but tie my thoughts of the dead, lifeless wreck of a yard to the events of Boston and how tragic that situation turned out. All the good people who worked and trained so hard for that marathon. All the years of the race being one of the most sought after to run in and with such a repuation that people come from miles around the world just to be in that place. And within seconds, that turned to tragedy and carnage and people will live with the horrible images and physical pains and some with grief from the death of a loved one, all because someone chose evil over love. When love is absent, there is darkness, hopelessness, despair and evil. I am sorrowed and saddened that such acts exist in our world that can rip lives apart in the blink of an eye. Through no fault of their own, people now will love with the heartache of such acts. I wish they could turn back the clock. I wish we could erase the last 48 hours and write a different ending.
But there is no chance of that- so everyone moves forward. I have found that moving forward in life sometimes means having to go places you'd rather not. Or leave places you wish you could have stayed. Or simply wait it out and hold out hope for brighter days. But just as our yard looks dry and dead and barren, I choose to believe {and hold out great hope!} that Chip is right and that new green growth is mere weeks away. I choose to believe with time and effort and energy poured into our yard it will look as good or maybe even better than it did before. Is it going to be easy? No. Is it going to take time? Yes. Is it going to be worth the investment? I sure hope so.
To those touched by life's heartaches- wherever you may be- I hope you choose to love, to believe in brighter days; to hold out hope and to always keep the faith. We may not know why there are times or places or hardships in our lives at times, but we can always pour ourselves into giving it our all and for sure, to always love. It makes the biggest difference of all.

Faltering.

This is one of those posts. The kind where I just lay it all out there- the stuff that's been heavy on my heart and mind for the past week. The photo above is of Wyndham's feet. She has traded her pink casts in for these ankle-foot orthotics {otherwise known as afo's}. I will use the term afo's in the future, just so you know what that means. Wyndham has worn afo's in the past, but never before have they been so big, bulky, thick or as unflexible as these. She is required to be in them 24/7- only having them removed for showering. They are basically keeping her foot in alignment and giving her feet high arch support. When we asked how long she will be wearing these at her doctor appointment a week ago we were told likely indefinitely, but at least 6-12 months. There could be revisions done for growth or other needs along the way, but this is it- these are the supports Wyndham has to learn to walk right now.
Needless to say, Chip and I left very disheartened for Wyndham after all her patience with her casts the past 2 months. She has been about as easy-going as we could ever expect her to be given her circumstances. I have nothing but admiration for her attitude through this whole experience.
Which is in part why it is hard to see what has to go through now. I will be totally honest here. I have been mad, angry, discouraged, frustrated, immature, unreasonable, stressed out, and a whole host of other not-so-nice things as a result of this surgery and recovery the past 2 months. I ended up pouring out a lot of my feelings in a letter to my sister last week and here's just a portion of that- because it was raw and real and part of me still feels this way. Here is, in part, what I had to say:

I am tired of facing each day knowing it brings more struggles and no matter how hard I try to look for it or create the joy just seems to have vanished from life. That's the truth of where I am at right now. The day before Thanksgiving.
I feel like the most pathetic person on earth. The bitterness that is taking root in my heart seems like the only thing that's thriving in life right now. I don't feel like 'fighting' for something better anymore. I really hope you can pray for me because I'm not sure I know what to say or if the prayers of my heart can even be answered right now.
Wyndham was fitted yesterday for some ankle-foot orthotics that are hard plastic and go from the whole bottom of her foot up to her mid-calf. Now after 2 months in casts she's supposed to relearn to walk in them and wear them 24/7 for 6 months to a year or more. That means she will be in knee socks and tennis shoes and even sleeping in socks and these supports... and that is where my anger and frustrations lie right now. All I can think is this-UNFAIR! I am already thinking of how she can't go to the beach and put her feet in the sand. I am thinking of how hard it will be to not bend her foot as she attempts to walk. I am thinking of how much she has had to take in this life and now, instead of some sort of reward for her patience and endurance, she is getting dumped on once again. I admit it, I am angry for her. I know she will overcome the obstacles placed before her but I am disgusted and down-trodden that this has become her lot in life. I am tired of seeing her rise to the occasion only to get knocked down time and time again.I t just doesn't seem fair.
I am tired of having to support her and watch her struggle. I wish I could just take on all her pain and challenges and make them my own. It hurts me so deeply to see her never able to reach her full potential because of the path her life has been forced to take.I am sorry to say when I look in the mirror of my life I don't like a whole lot of any of it right now. I know I have been optimistic and hopeful for a long, long time, but I feel like I've finally had enough. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'll admit it, I am struggling with what I am feeling inside right now. I know there are blessings in my life and things could always be worse. I do have a pocket of gratitude in my heart somewhere, but honestly I don't feel like wearing it right now. The hurt of everything in my life over nearly the past 10 years has surfaced all at once the past 2 months and I am ready to sit and wallow in that hurt. Wyndham's daily struggles have become, dare I say, a 'visual reminder' of the pain I feel from Teagan's death and a constant roadblock to experiencing happiness.
Wow.
That's a lot for me to unload all at once.
What are your therapy fees?! =)
I know you can't change a thing for me- for Wyndham- for all of us, but I do appreciate that you would listen and care. I hope life starts proving me wrong and I hope that some glimmer of goodness starts glowing in life again too. I don't know how or why we've been dealt this hand that we've been given. But I do want to find my place back to believing that it's worth the struggle and to keep pressing on. Thanks for being in my corner when I need you. Thanks for praying our family through yet again. I hope you have many reasons to give thanks this year.
I'll look around and try to find my rose-colored glasses for tomorrow.
And if for some reason I find them, I might just start wearing them like Wyndham has to wear her afo's... 24/7.

* * * * *
I have been thinking so much about life's pain and hurt and challenges and I'll admit another thing. Sometimes I wish our "suffering" didn't have a name. Meaning, I get frustrated knowing that there is a person responsible for what Wyndham has to go through and has gone through for almost her whole life. I have been dealing with anger inside knowing that Wyndham's life challenges will follow her all her days, while the one responsible for her disablilities will walk away from her 'sentence next summer'. That reality has been dragging me down and while I still believe in my heart that forgiveness has been given and claimed in this situation, I am having to remind myself of that day after day. It's not an easy thing and I feel like my faith is sort of being chipped away at a little bit more with each new challenge our family has had to take on. Sometimes I think it would be 'easier' if all this just happened randomly- or accidentally- rather than intentionally, and that is proving yet another challenge to my faith.
So while Wyndham is still in her wheelchair all day long and has yet to take a step, I feel like I am the one with my feet bound and the one needing to learn to walk all over again.
Our family continues to be so encouraged by many of you who email and send notes on FB and pray for all we have gone through and continue to go through. We did have a very nice Thanksgiving with Chip's parents here with us. We DO have much to be thankful for and I am trying hard to not look too far into the future, but instead just focus on what the needs are in front of us one day at a time. I know that Wyndham has the fight in her to get back on her feet and walk again... I just feel like I'm not her best support system anymore and she deserves nothing less than the best right now. So, please feel free to keep praying her through this and to pray that I will find a way to lift my eyes and heart up even though it's an enormous task to look on and cheer her forward.
I am hoping to falter less and to triumph more.
And should I fail and stumble and fall, I am grateful to my family, friends, and God for giving me another chance to get back up. I've never claimed to be a superhero, or even a person of superfaith. It's in these times of trials that that is so evident to me. I am nothing on my own and I would have fallen apart by now. But thankfully God is rich in mercy and strength and He continues to hold me up and see us through. If anything good can come from Wyndham's suffering, it is this: it makes me believe more and more in God and His ways. Even when I can't see one step in front of me. I am humbled to know God has it all in His control.

The kindness of strangers...

You are all so supportive and your encouragement has been a blessing to me especially in the past 24 hours. I just wanted to stop in and say a big thank you for so many of you who have privately emailed me with your thoughts and prayers and words of inspiration to keep hanging in there right now, in addition to all of you who have left comments here too. It has helped me put things in perspective a bit and I'm feeling less 'alone' in this just knowing so many of you have been in the pits too and yet have found a way out. Or some of you are still trying to find a way out but willing to keep going too- just like us.
I will admit that I have been "sick and tired" of life being so hard on us. When I shared how Chip and I feel like we're ready to split our team up it stems more from us being frustrated with life's demands and the wish that things could be different- yet we're so 'stuck' with how things have to be right now. It's not that we don't love and care about one another and we're ready to call it quits, but almost the opposite- we sort of think that if one of us took on more of the 'problem issues' and the other person took the rest well then, at least a few of us would have a chance at happiness. Does that even make sense? It sounds funny when I type it out. But we've been here before. Here meaning at the end of our ropes- wishing things different- feeling like we can't be who we need to be to all the people who need us right now, and then thinking maybe we could cut our problems in half and at least salvadge life for part of our gang.
But it's not to be.
For lots of reasons.
And truthfully, we know that even trying to split the problems in half won't solve things, but instead add to the already long list of overwhelming issues in life right now.
I do think that as I've been able to write out some of what I'm feeling and thinking, as well as sharing it with some friends and with Chip that a lot of my hurt and inadequacies come from being Wyndham's mom and unable to change her circumstance and 'feeling' her pain and watching it but again, being unable to fix the hurt.
I will also say that as the time nears for her to get her casts off I have some new fears growing inside about how the next phase will go. I just want the world for her and have such love and respect for how well she has endured the past 8 weeks that I'm just holding out hope that she will get a bit of a reward for all she's been through. She's had more smiles than I have at times and I just know she is ready to move on from this situation of being so sedantary.
The kindness you have all shown through your understanding and words and emails has been a bit of what I needed to get through the rest of this week. To top it off though, Teague ended up with a horrible, 'barky' cough last night and he was checked out at Urgent Care today because of my growing concerns for him. At this point the doctor thinks it's a bit of croup and he was given some meds to help his breathing and cough. I just feel like one more big thing- like Teague being hospitalized- would be a bit too much right now. So I've been praying since early, early this morning and if you feel like joining me in prayers for his health I would love you all for that too.
It just seems that when I finally unload my burdens to whoever cares to listen, I am lighter for doing so and more clear in how to proceed. So thank you, thank you from me and all my family for walking through this not-so-hot part of our lives too.
I decided to lower my expectations a bit too- thanks to the advice and encouragement from many of you in that regards. I also sat on the couch nursing Teague today and told myself that how I was truly being productive at that moment- no matter how much my mind raced to other things on my to-do list that needed to get done. Sometimes, we women especially, can be so demanding of our own selves that we neglect to see just how important some of the 'little things' we do each day truly are in the scheme of things. I am vowing for the next however long I need to, to be less hard on myself, more tolerant of my little ones, and more appreciative of Chip. I think something as small as a shift in thinking can refocus and realign my heart and mind to better take on the challenges that life keeps sending our way. I hope I get around to baking something again soon too. There's something missing around our home and I think it might be the smell of baked goods. I'll be sure to pass along any recipes I whip up if that happens. Thanks again for all of your love, cares and prayers!

Down, but not totally out.

This past Sunday the MN Vikings lost another football game bringing them to 3-6 for the season so far. Brett Favre stood in front of a swarm of media camera and microphones and made some post-game remarks about his losing team. As I sat on my couch and listened to his statements I commented to Chip- who sat across from me- that it was as though Favre were talking about our family. As the remarks about the losing team continued we found ourselves laughing at just how fitting the comments were to our family life right now.
We're in the homestretch of Wyndham's recovery from surgery and on the verge of the next phase; she will be fitted with orthodics and start therapy again. We're not sure what to fully expect once she's out of her casts, but we are crossing our fingers that things will get better from here on out, as we feel we've pretty much worn ourselves down and out the past 2 months.
As you can see from my lack of blogposts, I have not felt like writing, taking pictures, or even baking the past couple of weeks. That's a sign of just how rough things have gotten around here. Most often I turn to baking to relieve stress, so you know it's bad around here right now! =)
Truthfully, it has been bad and sad and ugly for several days. It's been stressful and I am sorry to say that I haven't done my best with our life circumstances the past 2 months. A part of me would like to blame post-partum blues. Which likely play a big part in how I've reacted to everything on our plates. Still, I have to admit and take responsibility for my actions and that means I have to say a big, "I'm sorry" to everyone in my family and some people who have been playing supporting roles to us at this time too.
Favre hit the nail on the head several times in his post-game remarks saying such things as, "There needs to be some changes made". His summery of the defeated Vikings team just matched my thoughts and feeling so much... but he also made a poignant statement where he said, "There's still a little bit of hope for us... there's still alittle life left in us". I was so glad to hear him say that because it actually was at that point that I laughed out loud and realized how true those words were. Not just for the losing Vikings, but for our family that has felt more than overwhelmed with life for weeks now. I'm so glad that we're down, but not without Hope. Even in hopelessness we first see HOPE!
I'm glad to tell you today is a new day. I feel like I am finally ready to admit that I've sunk far enough into the pit that life has dragged us into and I'm ready to start looking up- or wherever to find a way out. I do want to just tell the honest truth- more for me to look back on this for the next time I'm in life's pit- and say that I am awful down here. I 'look' awful- which means I haven't liked who I've become lately. I have yelled far too many times, said things I didn't mean, meant things I shouldn't have said, felt hurt and kept it in, hurt people by letting things out, and just all around been miserable to everyone- including me. I'm sorry to say I have let things get the best of me this time around and it goes without saying, but being a 'loser' has been no fun at all!
To be perfectly honest and blunt, Chip and I have had it with life and each other. Yes, there has been a lot of stress and demands we never anticipated and goodness- we haven't been taking care of ourselves the way we should be- simply because things are just that demanding. We haven't even slept in the same room for 2 months as Chip sleeps on a mattress next to Wyndham's bed because of her added needs right now. There just hasn't been a good opportunity for us to be much of a good team through all of this. We have talked and made mention of how life might be if we split our team up- that's how down we've been. The funny- or merciful thing- is that we can't even begin to think how to split our team up and make things work. We've got too much on our plates to divide up!
Today, honestly, I am thanking God that He has given us "too much" so that we can't even begin to figure out how to split up. Our problems are actually blessings that are being used to help hold us together in this season of defeat in our lives. Oh the irony of that!
I could share a whole lot more of what has gone on and continues to demand from us, but I won't. I just want to share my heart- even the heaviness of it- so that I might look back someday and see that even though the path isn't always rosy, it does keep winding and there is something around the bend worth forging ahead for.
We've been down, but we're not totally out. We're trusting that God will see us through even this ugly time we've been experiencing, and we're hanging on to the fact that we don't need to have all the answers in order to keep trying.
I have felt and 'heard' God's voice in my life in some still, small ways the past couple of days. I think He knew I needed something tangible. One of the ways He's spoken is through the messages from this website: Revive Our Hearts. The series- especially today's message- on the ABC's for Handling a Meltdown, have been so helpful to me. I don't know that I am fully out of this life pit yet, but I am happy to report I am headed in the right direction. I want to praise God for showing up and giving me more grace for the journey. Something I need no matter where I'm at in this world! I don't know if you need encouragement or help where you are right now or if you are at a place you simply want to praise God for blessings. But I'd love to invite you to praise God in the comments here and we can all give Him glory for the little and big things He has done and continues to do. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or we turn our backs on Him, He is still there. He never lets us down, and for that I am most grateful today!

Tired.

I can tell you one thing today. I am tired. I sometimes wonder if it's harder to be the one watching and caring for and empathizing with the sick person than it is being the sick person. I would switch places with Wyndham and climb in the hospital bed and hook up to the IV machine if I could no question about that. But there is also a certain amount of stress and strain on the rest of us who juggle the needs and schedules of the rest of the family and try to keep the routine of life going even when someone is sick. It's a challenge, I'll tell you that.

I think Chip is doing a better job of dealing with our life issues than I am. I am sleep-deprived and still battling my own cold and sort of wishing I was a bear right now. Nothing sounds better than climbing into a dark cave and sleeping away a couple of months. =)

I spent the day with Wyndham yesterday and she just wasn't taking fluids like the doctor had hoped she would and she still has a horrible cough that gives her fits off and on and sets her back on fluid intake. She had almost no energy yesterday and yet she wouldn't take a nap. So she needs more rest and recovery and we're hoping she'll start turning the corner sometime today. When I got home late last night the house was quiet and smelled of fresh baked cookies. Chip somehow found the energy and desire to make a batch of peanut butter chocolate chip cookies with the kids. I think he earns a SuperDad badge for that effort. We caught up with each other for about 4 minutes and then he was out the door with his overnight bag to spend the night with Wyndham.

I have to admit, I do falter in my faith when I am tired and weak and now is no exception. It's hard to see how an all-loving God can allow sickness to drag on and how He doesn't just snap His fingers and make things better again. But in my weakness and lacking energy I know the best thing I can do is hang on and keep trusting. No matter how tired I get.

Thanks so much for your prayers and support for all our family when we get worn down especially. I am hopeful that things will get better soon. I like to remind myself of the quote which goes, "Always remember that in the midst of the deepest valley there is a mountaintop on either side." Sometimes the way seems long, but I do know that ultimately all roads out of the valley lead to a mountaintop experience. I am ready for that to happen. After I get a good long nap. Which may just happen later on today. Here's to HOPE!

She made it two years...

Our little sick Wyndham was just admitted to the hospital after spending the afternoon in the ER. They ruled out pnemonia after some chest x-rays, but she's still not able to take any oral liquids and keep them down even after several hours on an IV with anti-nausea medication in it. This picture is from her last hospital stay- which was just over 2 years ago. That's her longest stretch ever of staying out of the hospital. I have a feeling she wishes it were longer, but we are glad that she is getting good care and we're hoping she can give her stomach and body some rest. Enough rest to be able to get back to her 'old-self' as soon as possible.
After the past 3 weeks of colds and flu and ear infections and more colds I was ready to say we've had enough and the worst was behind us. But apparently it's not quite over yet. Sometimes it seems like we get 'dumped on' when it comes to sickness/pain and suffering. To be honest I do wonder why and yet I keep reminding myself that we could have it so much worse. So I am thankful that we had two years away from hospital stays. And I'm really hoping this one will be short and sweet. I'm sure Wyndham totally agrees with me too.
I'm bummed to not be tucking her into bed tonight, but I'm going to cross my fingers and say a prayer that hopefully I'll be tucking her in this time tomorrow. Safe and sound.

Baby's first picture.

One of the reasons I had an ultrasound appointment today was to see whether or not there was more than one baby on the way. Thankfully there was just one happy tiny, wiggling baby on the screen and everything appears to be healthy and normal at this point. It was exactly the sort of report that Chip and I were hoping to hear.
On the flipside of that good report, I am sad to say that Wyndham is still sick today though and she is headed to the doctor later on this afternoon. She has been sick with different symptoms off and on for almost 3 weeks now. I have a feeling she may be admitted overnight to the hospital in order to get rehydrated and get her electrolytes and potassium levels back to normal. She looks so sad and is wiped out today. So feel free to say a prayer for her and hopefully we'll all be back to 'normal' around here. I know I say it a lot, but normal for us is a really good thing. We never take it for granted!

Big families are awful...

when the flu bug hits your home.
We're in the midst of sharing a stomach virus around here since last Friday. So far, 6 out of 7 of us have 'enjoyed' the effects of the flu, and Wyndham has gotten it twice. Poor girl. Ava is the only one who hasn't gotten bit by the nasty bug. I think we're all crossing our fingers that she'll be the lucky one and be spared.
Let me tell you... it's called the 24-hour flu, but when you have it and then the rest of the family gets it- it feels a LOT longer than 24 hours!
A couple of the kids have even had flu shots but apparently this is a different strain. I'm just hoping that the laundry piles can start decreasing by the end of today. I've been best friends with Tide with Febreeze for long enough now. I'm ready for a break.
So that's the latest on the fun we're having and why you can consider yourself lucky if you have a small family today. Sometimes less really IS more. =)

So not perfect.

I've had a rough week all week fighting a terrible cold and headaches too. Today is the first day that I felt I was functioning at about 90% capacity. It's no fun being so wiped out and still feel like you have demands that need to be met and no energy or desire to do anything.
I think I may have brought some of this sickness on myself because if I look back on last week I was in a downward spiral. It got so bad that at one point a conversation that Chip and I had turned into me raising my voice and saying things that I didn't mean as he and the kids were getting ready to head out the door for school. It wasn't a big fight or anything- more me being hormonal and having a pity-party about some of the ongoing issues we face each day of our lives- but by the time Chip was backing his SUV out of the driveway I was wishing I could start the whole morning over again.
Since I had no way of making that happen, I decided to drag my pity-party out a little bit longer. As I was sitting around for most of my morning I think that's when I started to let this nasty cold creep in. I just didn't know it yet. Anyway, I did finally reach that point where when I looked in the mirror I didn't like anything looking back at me. And that's when I knew I had a choice to make. While I couldn't start my day over or change some of the frustrating issues in our lives I did have the power to put a different spin on the way the day would turn out. I didn't want my kids to come home and just hear me say the words, "I'm sorry". I wanted them to know that I was really, truly sorry and give them a chance to "see it and taste" it too.
So I apologized to them with chocolate frosted brownies. I had the pan of brownies waiting on the table for their school snack when they came it. They could smell them as soon as they walked in and right away- rather than remembering my actions as they left the house, they were greeted with a new aroma and the mood felt different as soon as they came inside.
They were all very forgiving to me as I explained to them why we were having brownies and asked them for forgiveness. My outburst that morning was quickly a distant memory compared to the yummy treat in front of them.
I am so far from perfect it's not even funny or fun some days for me or anyone else. I am still a work in progress as I seek to be more loving, kind and Christ-like on this road to eternity that we're all on. I don't always fail in such big, obvious ways like I did with my meltdown last week, but there's not a day that passes in which I couldn't strive to be more.
It's sad and difficult to have to admit that I'm as a big a failure as I am sometimes. However, I am grateful that I am growing in humility and also that God gave me the grace and insight to take this experience and turn it into a teachable and hopefully memorable situation for my kids. I hope they learned that it's not okay to be so selfish and sorry for yourself that you say hurtful things to other people as a result. I hope they learned that it is okay to have a bad day, but more importantly it's better to try to salvage the day and make the most of it however you can. Even if it means you have to apologize in chocolate.
I am learning that I have a long way to go before I'm perfect. I am lucky to be surrounded by people that love me despite my flaws and shortcomings and who forgive me easily even when I don't deserve such a response from them. I am thankful for brownies and white chocolate chips that helped express my remorse.

As the kids finished their snack I said to them, "Maybe it wasn't so bad that I got mad and said things I didn't mean to say because we all got brownies treats out of the deal. Who thinks I should get mad more often?" To which one of my kids said, "How about next time instead of getting mad you just make brownies because you're happy?!"
I think that's a much, MUCH better idea and I am happy to oblige their request.

Midsummer funk.

I've not been an avid blogger because I've been in a bad mood. Do you ever get that way? I mean, a seriously bad mood. So bad that I even chewed Chip out for buying me flowers for our anniversary last week! I admit it here and apologize for it too. I wish I could say that I've got it all together all the time. But the truth is I don't. In fact I can hardly think of a time when I have had it all together.

It's not that there's been any one big thing, but more little stuff that just takes the fun out of living each day. Once you let one day drag you down, it seems like it's just easier to let the small stuff pile up. Or is that just me?!

Wyndham's surgical consult went okay. Her surgery won't be until sometime into January now, and she may have some pre-casting to go through prior to her re-allignment surgery. The surgeons are leaning toward doing a bone graft procedure- which is better than bone fusion- so that's a good thing. But it will still require double casts (up over the knees) and her immobility for upwards of at least 3 months. So it will be a big deal when it all plays itself out. We still appreciate your prayers for that as the time approaches.

Little Crew man turned 11 months this week. In between being crabby (both me and him!), Bella happened to snap these photos of the two of us together. =) He's weighing in at 19.5 lbs and measuring 28.5 inches, which puts him in the 11% and 24% brackets respectively. In addition to those stats, I find that at this age he's about 50% handful and 50% charmer. I can't help but love that he's lovable at least half the time. Sometimes he's lovable much more than that. I love those moments the best.

Today we're all sitting inside with rain pouring down- the type of day that could put one into a funk. But we're in luck! My parents (Grandma Genie and Grandpa Floyd) are expected to arrive from Minnesota any minute. We're all very excited about that. If there's anything that could put me in a good mood, it's laughing and being hugged on and doing life with family. Well that, and a really good buttercream! I have a feeling there will be lots of fun things to blog about. Soon.

Note: Woodgrain frames on the photos above can be found here. Very fun!

If you're coming over, bring some Tylenol.

I think, as of this morning, I've beaten my fever. But I still have fun coughing fits at times, and ache pretty much all over. Ava is still down for the count, as are Wyndham and Crew. This has been one of the most miserable weeks in our home in a long time.
I never mentioned that our furnace went out and we awoke to temps in the 50's on Monday morning. Of course, the part that needed to be replaced was covered under warranty until about 6 months ago. Don't you love those kinds of hassles in life?!
Still, I'm hoping the worst of our week is over. Next week the kids are on spring break. We're supposed to be getting snowfall here in Michigan. I'll take healthy kids and snow over this week. If you happen to be following Stellan's story, you know that what I've been dealing with all week is nothing compared to that. Thankfully we serve the same God and I am praying He will choose to get us all back to "normal" very soon!

Bummer.

I'm ruining Chip's birthday today by still running a fever and aching all over. It goes up to 102 degrees when I let the meds wear off. On top of that, I gave it to Ava now too. Last check, she was at 102.7 and she threw up her does of Tylenol. Nothing like having to clean up after a sick kid when you're sick yourself! But I figured that was the best gift I could give Chip today. Sad, but true.
I had thought of uploading a positive pregnancy test and seeing how many of you would scream outloud before reading the words, "April Fools". But with the aches and chills, I don't have much leftover energy for humor.
You can help me out by leaving Chip some happy birthday wishes here today. And hopefully we'll all be eating cake to celebrate a bit late very soon.
Happy Birthday, Chip...xoxo.

Some more sweet stuff.

I've been basically out of commission the past three days as Bella apparently shared her illness with me. I've been loving that feeling of being achy, no matter where I sit or lay down, topped off with a fever that makes me feel like I'm freezing. Yuck.

Hopefully I will be back in business by tomorrow. Three days of this misery is enough for me. In the meantime, I thought I'd share some pictures of Crew enjoying his first Reddi-whip. He loved it and wanted more- straight out of the can. He's one of us, that's for sure. =)

I feel bad that I haven't been able to give my kids and hubby the hugs and kisses they usually get each day. Hopefully they've missed them too and will be ready to make up some of them when I get back in business.

Five months and counting...

Guess who had his first rice cereal today? Crew is growing up! The top photo was actually taken just after I wiped his face... he looks like he was waiting for a little bit more. It went really well and as you can see in the second photo, he's very interested in food. Or maybe it was just the flames from all Brock's birthday candles. Either way, he's interested. =)

I couldn't help but post a few more photos- from among the hundred or so I take each week. I actually feel like I restrain myself from posting too many pictures and boring my non-family readers around here. But sometimes I just can't help myself and I know the grandmas always love lots of photos.

Other than taking pictures of Crew, I've still been bogged down with extra laundry. Wyndham was the latest in our family to get the flu bug. That's now 4 down and hopefully the last 3 of us will get to skip out on that fun. Which really isn't fun at all!

I think that's my biggest complaint of having a large family. When a virus comes around it goes from one to the next and hangs around way too long. I'm ready for this flu season to be over!

Thankfully Crew kept all his cereal down. And he looked cute doing it too...don't ya think?! =)

Kids...

In the past 24 hours I have been hugged, kissed, danced for, smacked jokingly, jumped on, spit up on, thrown up on, pooped on and been told 'I love you' by my children. Being a parent has its highs and lows- that's for certain. It just sometimes surprises and/or overwhelms me how these highs and lows can come so close together. Sometimes even happening simultaneously. If you don't have kids, consider yourself blessed for the fact that you don't have anyone to wake you suddenly in the night due to the stomach flu. Consider it a blessing that you don't have to wash 'pieces' out of long hair at 1:30 a.m. Consider yourself blessed that you didn't have to change pants and do laundry first thing the next morning due to a diaper not 'absorbing' all it should. Sometimes diapers that claim to be leakproof don't live up to those claims. That's all I'm going to say about that!

Although being a parent is the toughest job on earth, it does have its rewards. I will say that the good definitely outweighs the bad, even though it's hard to believe that in the midst of the long, sick nights. We're in the middle of the sick-mix right now. It's not fun or pretty, but it makes one appreciate health that much more. Bella is down for the count right now, and I'm praying ferverently that none of the rest of us will join her. Feel free to pray with me...and for me too!

I am happy to share the pictures posted here with you today of Ava and me. She is our ball of energy these days. She is our entertainment much of the time- from morning til night. I snapped these pictures as we were headed out the door to pick the kids up from school last week. Don't you just get a good sense of her personality from those first two photos?! That look says so much...so 'her'. She took off running and wanted me to try to 'catch her' with my camera. Silly, lovable girl.

I got to share a bit of her when I was invited to create something for my friend, Claudine Hellmuth, who is a SIS Fashionista, talented designer and author of this fun, new book/kit. It's called "The Scrapbooker's Creativity Kit" and you can find it online here. Claudine has such a fun, unique style and process for making things. She has been featured on Martha Stewart Living and has her own line of product out too...like I said, she's very talented! She will be teaching an online class based on this book/kit- you can register for it here. Or get the class and book all in one by clicking here.

Those of us who were featured in her book were asked to design a page/project based on two colors and a word prompt. It is so fun to see so many different results using the same starting point. The kits not only offers lots of ideas, but also includes so many inspiration pieces from so many different designers. I am so glad I was able to be included among such a great group of people. You can see Ava's full page here. She was proud to be in a book too.

After a long night last night, and more laundry and household chores to do today, I am trying to squeeze in a bit of happiness too. Today that has already included a stop at Starbuck's with Brock before I dropped him off at school. I'm still enjoying a personalized gift card given to me by Chip's mom for my birthday. Simple, but so wonderful and needed on a day like today when the little things make a big difference! Happiness also means I will {hopefully} be getting some more handmade Valentine's in the mail. Ava and Wyndham are helping me with that fun project. Nothing says love and happiness like a handmade card sent in the 'real' mail. =)

Yes, life has it's ups and downs- highs and lows. When we take them in stride, especially the lows, it's all somehow managable. Sometimes they're even fun!

It wasn't so pretty afterall...

The second half of our trek home to Minnesota wasn't all that wonderful. The snow started falling and we drove into a snowing/blowing whiteout turning our total drive time into just over 13 hours. Thirteen hours is about all we could handle scrunched in our vehicle with (as Chip calls it...) "white knuckle driving". The kids were amazing throughout the entire trip. They never sleep on these drives, except for Crew who kept taking nice snoozes all day long. So as the snow and winds picked up and the stress levels grew, we were surprised that the kids kept their cool. I think they knew the situation was dangerous and stressful, so they all somehow managed to keep relatively quiet and calm in their carseats.
We saw so many cars in the ditches and stuck in snow along the way that we were grateful to arrive at our destination- even though it was a few hours later than we had hoped for. To top off the final hour and a half of my birthday, Crew got sick, threw up all over me and then spent almost the whole night tossing and turning with a low-grade fever and stuffy nose. Poor guy. We're watching him closely and hoping he gets better rather than worse in the next day or two. I am crossing my fingers he will be happy and healthy as he celebrates his first Christmas.
Tomorrow we head to northern MN to be with Chip's side of the family for a few days. That 4-5 hour drive will hopefully be a bit easier on us, and I am starting to think that this will be the last time we do this winter driving thing. Christmas is supposed to be joyful and merry. Those two adjectives aren't exactly the two I'd pick for the 30+ hours of driving we'll put in when this trip is over. My body is telling me otherwise too. Or maybe it's the fact I only got two 40 minute "naps" last night. So as pretty as it is here and as wonderful as our families may be, it's going to be a VERY MERRY Christmas if we ever want to think about doing this trip again!
Now...I'm off to hopefully catch a Minnesota winter nap. =)
Thanks for all the happy birthday wishes you left for me yesterday. I think we needed them!

You take one happy baby...

I always hate taking my babies for immunizations. You take them into the doctor's office all happy and leave with a crying, fussy baby for the rest of the day and sometimes night and following day or two as well. It doesn't seem to make much sense- except that I believe the benefits of the shots outweigh the tears and pain and suffering inflicted for a few hours/days.
Poor Crew got his shots today. He was all smiles this morning before his appointment. It almost doesn't seem right to take a happy baby to the doctor and put them through this treatment, but I know it's for his own good. Which is why I allow the nurse to poke him and even help hold him still as she does.
I've touched on this subject here before but am reminded of it again today. Immunizations to me, are a picture of what some of us go through in life- unexpected pain and suffering- seemingly for no good reason. Just as babies don't have a clue as to why they are inflicted with pain from a shot, so we sometimes have life cause us deep sorrow, pain or grief at times. From our perspective, we can only shout, cry, get angry, or grow bitter because the pain can be so intense and comes without warning. We may feel like yelling at God and asking the question "why".
But from His viewpoint our pain and {temporary} suffering likely serves a good purpose. We may never know what it is. Just as a baby can't understand that a polio vaccine keeps them free from disease and even more pain and loss, so we can't understand a lot of things that come our way- cancer, divorce, financial loss, death of a loved one, infertility, depression...all sorts of things in this life can cause heartache.
Still, I know that just as I hurt for Crew to see him get his shots, so God hurts for us as we feel life's pains and heartaches. But He holds us through the tough stuff and promises for us to "make all things new". He can turn our sorrows into joy and our mourning into dancing. It takes great faith to believe that even though we hurt and many times don't like the stuff we have to go through, that God is able to bring good out of suffering. Even if we don't see a purpose to our pain, He promises that He is preparing a place for us in which there will be no sorrow. All our tears will be wiped away.
What a comfort that is to me on some of the toughest days I have traveled and know may still lie ahead! I don't have to fear the suffering that comes because God is in control and He loves me {and you!} and is working for the good of those who love Him.
Today, listening to Christmas music in the car on the way to the dr. appointment didn't feel like a "Christmas-y thing" to be doing. I was reminded of all the hurts I have felt this time of year and of so many hurts that people I know and love are feeling in their lives right now too. Pain doesn't seem very Christmas-like. But when I paused to think about it for a moment or two longer, I couldn't help but think that pain and suffering and sorrow are the VERY reason that God sent His Son, Jesus, to this earth in the first place. Jesus came to heal our hearts and to make a way for us to be reconciled to God forevermore. God allowed His own Son to be born in a lowly place, in a cold, dusty stable, to connect with people and heal their hurts.
Christmas is the perfect time to tell God that you need Him, and that you want to trust His way all the rest of your life. No matter if your life is going well or if you have questions, doubts or pain. God is the answer and this time of year is the best time to sense His love, His grace and His peace.
I am so glad Jesus was born and that through Him we can have Hope- for all eternity!

Directionally challenged.

If you want to know how bad I am with directions, just ask my husband, Chip, sometime. He can't believe how turned around or confused I can get when I am in a car headed somewhere new. Or even on a route I should know just because we've driven it several times. It's just a part of who I am and I have come to accept it. I used to fight it. I would spend a long time going the wrong direction or find myself frustrated and in tears before I would stop and read a map or ask for help.

I have learned now to have a phone handy in case I need to confirm or reroute myself; I often bring detailed Mapquest directions along and keep them right next to me as I drive to my destination. As good as I am in math and reading and other subjects, geography just isn't my thing and I now just live with the fact that I have no sense of direction. Someday I may get a GPS system. If I ever start traveling more than 11 miles in a week. =)

I'm telling you this for a couple of reasons. One being, now you all know I'm not perfect in another area of my life. I almost laughed at some of the previous comments where a few of you think of me as "holier than thou" or all put-together. It's so not true and yet that's the beauty of some of my life at the same time. It just goes to show you that God will use anyone- even the messed up, not-so-put-together ones...just like me!

Secondly, the idea of not knowing where you are or where you're going just resonates with me beyond being directionally challenged. I have often questioned God and the "direction" He has allowed my life to go. Remember how I had my life all mapped out as a college graduate?! I was going to have a great career, no kids, a nice house, at least 2 cars, maybe a boat {or at least friends who boated on Lake Minnetonka in Minnesota and they would invite me out on the weekends =)} and definitely "me time" for vacations and breaks from my routines.

Fast forward from 1994 to 2008 and I find my life doesn't really look like what I had pictured in my head all those years agos. From a hubby to 6 kids and no "career", and rarely a vacation, this is what my life is made up of.

Please don't get me wrong. I love Chip so much. I can't imagine life without my kids, and I DO have a nice home, two cars and friends with boats. =) I have more than enough. And I realize that everyday and feel very fortunate and grateful for it all.

The fact is that sometimes I just don't 'feel' like I'm on the right path. I look around my world and the scenery looks a little bit foreign and sometimes frightening or more 'rocky' than I'd like. I happened to hear a short message on the radio the other week as I was driving Wyndham to therapy. The speaker (and forgive me, I don't have a clue who it was) talked about how he printed out the directions from Mapquest to drive his daughter to a friend's house several miles away, and although he thought he knew the way as he got nearer the destination, it just didn't seem right for some reason. Then, as he turned onto a one of the roads that the directions instructed him to go, the road actually 'disappeared' and turned into a dirt path. He was sure he was on the wrong route. He stopped for a moment to read through the directions and they actually noted that some of the roads had "portions unpaved".

He went on to say that just as he was ready to turn around and find a different route, he came around a bend on the bumpiest part of the road and there the scenery changed. There was a big clearing and it was lined with trees that were bursting at the peak color of autumn. It was a beautiful sight and just a bit ahead of the wall of glistening trees, he spied his destination. Not only was there relief and renewed sense of direction, but there was a glorious backdrop as he headed toward it.

That little story struck me even moreso as I recalled it in my mind the past couple of days. Yes, I have been down and discouraged and sitting in a place where I just didn't feel right. But I also know that sometimes that's how the path in life goes; it doesn't mean I've lost my way or that I'm headed somewhere I shouldn't be, but rather it's a reminder that I need to trust God even more to guide and direct me as the path twists and turns.

The pictures posted today a some of the 'scenery in my life' right now. Wyndham just got a Dynavox communication device. It's something she was approved for over a year ago, but just the past couple of weeks finally received. We are starting a new adventure of learning this tool and trying to figure out how to incorporate it into our lives. We are excited and hopeful that it will be a wonderful means for Wyndham to communicate- as she continues to learn signs and as we still hold out hope for her to speak someday. But it's one of the things that I never "pictured" as I played out the story of my life. However, it will likely become a tool that transforms Wyndham's life in many ways. It's a part of our 'new scenery'. I am learning (slowly at times!) to accept the life that I've been given and rather than question "why me...why us...why our family?", I should seek to look at the 'gifts' and the beauty that comes from being on a road that many times has "portions unpaved". We've gone down routes in life that I never would have thought were "the right way"...they felt wrong, they looked scary, they caused pain and grief and tears, and yet I am finding that those very bumps and turns often hold amazing scenery and create beautiful backdrops that provide amazing contrast to the times when life allows us to travel easily.

So as I snuggle Crew and breathe him in each day, knowing full well what a gift he is in my life- as each of my kids are, I am trying to let go of the idea that just because something doesn't "feel right" in my life doesn't make it wrong. I was so encouraged by many of you who left comments about the season of life as a mother to young kids. It can be overwhelming and I feel like I am just going in circles somedays. But in the end, when I come to God and just thank Him for what He has given me and I try to see that tomorrow's laundry and packaged meal is just one part of the path I'm on, well, it gives me hope. There is a renewed sense of awe as I come to Him and surrender to the path He has placed me on.

I know I will still fall down and need help more often than not, but I love that God gives rest to the weary and He can continues to direct my path. I wouldn't want it any other way! Thank yo for your prayers, your support of my honesty shared here, and for your encouragement to keep going even when it doesn't feel right.

As for the suggestions, I see I'm not the only one that needs a nap and loves a latte from time to time as a way to rejuvinate the soul. =) I am praying for some of you that are in this same place- right there with me- directionally challenged, but learning to accept that it's okay. As long as we know who our Source of help is and we accept His instruction. May you be blessed on your journey today and each step of the way.

One of those days.

Something happened the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure what, but Chip is telling me I need an attitude adjustment. The sad part is that I agree with him. He told me to never blog again. Or blog about the fact that I'm in this place- this strange and not-so-happy place.

I don't come here often, but when I do, I remember how much I dislike it here. The frustrating part for me is that I can't put my finger on the "why I'm here". I just am. Maybe it's the weather turning cold. The leaves changed color and fell to the ground- that changing seasons are always such a visual/obvious reminder to me that life goes on. This time of year reminds me that another year is coming to a close...another year of loving and living, yes. But also of missing Teagan and moving further from the fond memories I have of her.

Maybe it's the cold and snow flurries that are blowing around outside. I'm not a fan of cold weather and I dread the long winter months. One day Chip and I hope to live in a warmer state- at least for part of the year. The cold part.

Maybe it's the fact that no matter how many times I give my kids instruction on certain things, they still fail to follow through with my requests of them. Now, I understand that this is a part of parenting- you tell your kids the same things over and over sometimes, and they still don't get it. Like "eat your vegetables", or "flush when you're done", or "don't hit your sister/brother". It can get monotonous and the past week I feel like I'm a broken record and that I'm wasting my time instructing my kids. They seem to be getting the upper hand- for some reason.

Maybe it's because I'm hitting that wall of sleep deprivation with a newborn. Maybe it's the fact that Wyndham was sick for a couple of days, and even though she didn't need hospitalization this time, when she gets ill, I get stressed.

I guess I'm just putting this out there 1) because Chip told me to- he told me to blog about how I really feel right now, and 2) because it's true, I'm not always some bouncy, happy person. I get worn out and run-down and I question my faith and wonder what the point is to everything sometimes.

Like today.

Getting ready for church.

It wasn't fun at our house.

I yelled at Ava because she cried when I put her hair up in her ponytails...ans then she pulled them out. It made me mad...and we were already running late.

I didn't feel like going to church- I have to be honest, it seemed like a joke to go and sing praise to God and smile to other people when inside I was grumpy about hair and breakfast and thinking it was a waste of time because surely my kids won't take the lesson to heart and I will still have to break up arguments between them this week.

It all seemed to fake and pointless.

And I'm sharing this because it's exactly how things were and I have a feeling I'm not alone in this place.

In fact I know of at least one other person who questions why we try so hard to do good things and be good people and have values and morals, only to have life "dump on us" or let us down. It doesn't seem fair sometimes to try so hard when in fact, life will send things our way regardless of how neat we try to keep our homes or how often we get our kids to eat their vegetables.

Now, I don't want to worry anyone, I'm still looking for the simple joys in life and I'm still taking lots of photos and sharing them here. Today's photos are a short series of Ava putting a hat on Crew and they show the special relationship those two share. It's very cute and I'm blessed to be a part of it and I don't take it for granted. I'm very aware of how much I have in life to be grateful for.

The reality is that sometimes I still question and wonder and ask why. The reality is that I sometimes worry that I'm not cut out for the path I'm on in life. The reality is that sometimes we all have days where life gets the best of us. I had one of those today. And I promised to keep it real around here.

So that's it.

Now it's your turn to share if you want to...leave a comment telling me your favorite thing to do when you have "one of those days". I'm looking forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Scrappy stuff and commissioned knits

I did a bit more scrapping and creating the past couple of days with the latest SIStv Collection called "The Night Owl". It's got so much packed into it- a mix of colors and fun patterns too. You can see my mini book here and the rest of the scrap page I made by clicking here.

I'm now on a hunt to find some warm, fingerless mitts as the weather here in Michigan is cooling down and winter is upon us. If you are a knitter or have an Etsy shop or know someone who does, leave me a comment for send me an email... I'd love to buy them from one of you! I'm going fingerless this year because they are easier for holding onto a carseat handle, pushing carkey remote buttons and answering my cell phone.

Which only rings about twice a week. =)