Love notes.

Hello February and fresh starts! I love new beginnings and today is what I have termed it a "grace day" at my house because it's Monday and school was cancelled due to weather conditions here in Michigan. Instead of snowing, blowing and sub-zero temps, we instead have blue skies and sunshine! So it is simply a good day to relax, kick back, stay in pj's {we do that a lot in the winter around here!} and just enjoy this unexpected break in life.
To that end, I have decided that it was the perfect time to jump back on to my laptop and share a tiny bit of my heart. Okay. Maybe a bit more than just my heart, as I am feeling mixed emotions about sharing these photos and thoughts behind them. I think this month of February is a wonderful backdrop for me to post "love notes" to my kids and this blog has always been a spot for me to get things down and out and saved in a spot for future reference.
As much as I want to express my thought and heart toward my kids {my girls especially} I sort of believe that this is a message that others might need to hear too. If you can see past the images- which I didn't realize had so much to 'say' when I ordered prints of these photos, then maybe the true message can start to settle in.
I have been self-conscious about my body, shape, size and flaws since as long as I can recall, and yet even so I think there is such worthwhile lessons in embracing ourselves- just as we are and as God created us to be. He never makes mistakes or messes up- certainly not on people whom He loves so much! That is the heart of this scrap layout and if my kids realize I love them just as they are...then how much more must God love them too!
I am so humbled and blessed to be able to stand in front of a camera, snap a few photos and then be brave in sharing the struggle and beauty that comes from learning to love it all. He loves us in spite of all we will never be- none of us can measure up to perfection- and yet we are loved in spite of our failures, flaws, insecurities, pride, and His grace covers it all so that in His eyes we ARE perfectly whole because of who He is! His love never ceases to amaze me. His grace has changed me from inside-out and I hope that His love will be the one thing my kids seek more than anything else this world has to offer. There is nothing greater than knowing God's love firsthand. It is the greatest love of all!
The world tells us that things or being a certain size of having financial security or a job or spouse or house or degree or adventure or happiness or any other number of things will fill us up. But the truth is only God's love and grace can be enough to fill us with true peace, contentment, and assurance of Hope. To that end I pray that I will be a tool for Him to shine that message to my kids and anyone else who has ears and open heart to receive that message. He is Love and all we ever need!

This is the stuff we will want to look back on...

This guy.
Four years old.
Attending preschool 3 mornings a week.
Still not always using the potty when he is supposed to.
Wakes up totally grumpy.
Or.
Totally sweet.
But the sweet wears off usually by the time he has to go to the potty.
He sings when he plays games.
He plays games when he eats.
He eats like a puppy most of the time.
And he whines like a puppy when it's time for bed.
He loves playing tricks, and bugging his siblings and can't have Daddy leave for work without giving him a high-5, exploding knuckles, hug, kiss, pinky promise and arm bump.
His idiosyncrasies are almost too much to deal with in a given day.
Yet our days wouldn't be the same without them.
He can drive us all crazy, and then melt us all in the same two-minute time span.
He must have some hidden super power or something. Because with a single tight squeeze around your neck, you forgive him for all the little crazy and big things he's done and all he makes you feel is Love.
Oh, Teague.
What a guy.

Beyond the fluff of Valentine's...

What I would love to write in this space today is how dreamy and sappy it is to be celebrating Valentine's Day with my true love. Who doesn't want the perfect love story at some point in their life?! Especially on Valentine's Day. But the truth and reality in this great big world of ours- even on Valentine's Day- or maybe especially so on Valentine's Day!- is that true love isn't as pretty and sweet as the cards, flowers, dark chocolates and fairytales that consume this holiday would like us all to believe. Those things are great. They are awesome and special even! They do say, "I love you" and they can certainly communicate what is in one's heart. I am not writing off dark chocolate sea-salt caramels wrapped up with a bow ever! But I am sharing my own heart and thoughts about what I have learned love to be. And I can tell you, it's not all rosy and chocolates.
In fact the deepest, most pure love that I have ever experienced in my 41 years of life most often has been shown to me not in the form of a tangible gift at all. It hasn't been showered on me when life has been it's prettiest. It has been in some of the deepest, darkest pits of life that I have felt loved, supported, cherished and comforted. The times when I look back in my life and know that love was holding me are times when flowers and chocolates would have failed, and even felt offensive as a gift of love. It strikes me as interesting that when I have needed love and care the most in my life that the most thoughtful, most meaningful gesture of love has been simply having someone sit next to me and weep with me, or hold me close and cry with me.
Love has shown itself faithful and true to me in an embrace at the airport in Chicago standing next to baggage claim.
It has stood by me as we sang, "It is well with my soul" as we said good-bye to Teagan at her memorial services.
Love has lifted me when I felt I couldn't bring myself to say, "I forgive you". Love was wrapped around me when I claimed that truth and it helped set my heart free.
Love was there when I cried out and wept over a load of fresh, warm whites to fold and found myself unable to breathe. It whispered to my heart, "look to the Heavens and trust me for your very breath".
Love has wrapped its tiny newborn finger around mine and made me believe in joy and Hope in this world again.
It has gotten up with me in the middle of the night, too many times to count, and helped give a shower or start a load of laundry and held a sick child.
Love has walked in the door and placed take-out on the counter. Too many times to count that as well. =)
It has scrapped the snow off the windshield and started the vehicle so that the inside was warm for travel.
Love tells me to "text him a grocery list" and says "no problem" when I say thank you for doing that errand/chore for our family again. And again. And again.
True love has shown me that it's not a tiny box wrapped with a big bow at precisely the right moment in time that reveals the heart, but the way it grins and smiles and says, "you look beautiful" even after a sleepless night or a ruthless day spent just trying to keep my head above water. Love looks at me when I am at my worst and says, "There is nobody in the whole world I would rather be next to at this moment in time, except you."
Love has dared to say that it would be easier for us to be apart, but it is far better to hang on and trudge forward together. Love has believed in the future of us even when the present has looked dim, and the questions outnumber the answers in life.
Love has said, "I'm sorry...I messed up...and I'm trying." It has allowed me to say the very same things.
Love has seen the ugly side of me. More than once. And yet it stands by my side to this very day.
Love has taught me so many things about God, others and myself.
It has been poured out to me in unexpected people, places and things. It has been undeserved, unmerited, and unleashed to me since as far back as I can remember.
Love has changed me, saved me, redeemed me, and it makes me want to be a better me. Not just today. Not because of flowers. Or chocolate or any other thing that can be bought or sold.
True love comes from the heart, comes from Above, and comes in such subtle ways that I sometimes miss seeing just how beautiful it is.
Today- this Valentine's Day- seems as fitting a day as ever for me to pause and look back and say thanks. To all the Love I have been given in this life. I am humbled, grateful, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for such love. I only hope I can shower some of my love and gratitude back to God, to Chip who has showered me with so much and still gives me all these years, and to my family, friends and strangers too. One of my favorite things about true love is that it never runs out, gets old, dries up or falls short. It can be given and shared and it only grows from there!

When the clouds were light and numbered 9...

So there has been a bit of heaviness here at Nitty.Gritty. for about 3 years now. Or maybe it just seems that way to me. The really wonderful part about being surrounded by darkness and heavy burdens in  life is that you know there must be a time coming when the light will shine and the clouds will lit again. I know I've been preaching that for a long while now. And a couple of times it even appeared as though the sun was starting to shine. But then more waves of life came and it's like I hit rewind around here and started to sound like a broken record again.
I am not going to lie. I do sound like a broken record way more often than I would care to admit. But it's not because I make stuff up. On the contrary, things often go from bad to worse for us and I don't always even share the worst! =) Thank goodness for that. I do know that one of the ways out of the clouds, or even a simple break from them is to look back at times when things have been good. The way to push ahead is often by looking back and believing that the good times will roll again.
Thank goodness for March's Sketchbook kit at just the right time! Last week when my scrapbook kit arrived on my doorstep from Cocoa Daisy I will tell you I was feeling like never scrapping anything again in my life ever. I was so convinced there was nothing 'good' in me to share. I can tell you that I wallowed and waivered for a few days. I questioned why does it matter if I do or don't scrap ever again. And do you know what I came up with? A couple of things. One was I LOVE to scrap and create and make things with patterened paper and stamps and cool 'stuff'. Two was that reality hitting me that if I walked away from scrapping then there would be even less fun and goodness in my life. I didn't want that to happen for sure! I didn't want the 'bad side' of me to win. So I dug deep and out of that spilled this nostalgic mini book that I made for Chip {and let's be honest here, for me too}. =) It is a little book about remembering where it all began for us. The fun, the love the happiness, the clouds that we walked on that were lighter than air all those years ago, and the magic that we felt just walking hand-in-hand.
You know what else happened? I spent way too much time making this. But during that time I got to think back on the many memories we did have where we laughed and learned new things about each other; I relived some of the memories that have been tucked away for a very long while.
Some days Chip and I can be so short with each other and just get through our days without a whole lot of niceness to each other- much less love and magic. I pulled out a tiny book I had in my jewlery box since our early days of dating and created a little pocket in this book to give it a more rightful 'home'. I remember handwriting that little book knowing my heart was so in love with someone and knowing his heart was in love with mine right back. It was a silly little gesture to make it and give it to him, but as I flipped through it and as I share it on this blog all these years later (that little book of Chip is more than 18 years old! and by the way, his real name is John David...he's gone by Chip since he was a small tyke though), I realize it is a gift to be able to peer into that young love and to have something tangible that documents it even a little bit. It makes it even more important for me to scrap now and hold onto and share the memories and stories that still lie hidden in my heart.
Even though the dark clouds darken my view and cloudmy eyes at times, I am so glad that I am able to glimpse past them, or push them back and make something out of their gray mist in my life. To Chip I just want to say thank you for loving me. Then, now and always. Lest we forget...may this little book and all our happy memories serve to remind us of the gift of our love. Forever! xo

A little book about YOU.

 

I have a friend named Sarah. Sarah has a couple of doggies in her family. One of them is a Boston/Pug and I am always gushing over his pictures when I see them in her Facebook feed. I asked her if I could scrap some of the pictures she has posted of them. She said, "yes".
That was several months ago. Just before we found out we had to move out of the rental house we were living in. It was before my life got extra crazy and I was well into enjoying my 'free time' by scrapping and making stuff with paper and other bits and pieces that come in my mail each month from Cocoa Daisy.
I had such great intentions to create a little book with the puppy pictures I had received the blessing to scrap. Flash forward all these many months later, and when my February kit- Double Feature arrived and I opened it up, I instinctively knew that this was the time to put together the book I had been longing to create. The kit is live for purchase tomorrow if there are any still available. Each month the kits and add-ons have been selling faster and faster. I know that Christine {my friend and owner of the awesome Cocoa Daisy kits!} is upping the number available as of next month. So there is hope you can get in on it then- if you miss out this time. Or you can become a subscriber and know that one kit will be headed your way each month, if you are into that and I can attest to how great the kits are- each and every month!
So there's that bit of inside info for my scrap readers here.
A bit more about the book I made. There is a tutorial I posted about some of the process of creating it on the Cocoa Daisy blog here. This is a link to the book in my gallery where you can click through the pages and see them enlarged and in greater detail if you like to see them that way here.
The story behind the text of the book, "You" is that as I thumbed through the pictures I wanted to tell a story and not just scrap cute photos. I used the images to sort of 'guide the storyline', but the truth is the statements and messages along with the photos are something I wanted to share with my friend, and it is so fitting for my kids, and I think it is a message for anyone who reads it. It's as much for me as it is for anyone else too.
It is hard to hear the 'truth' about us at times. It is hard to grow up and live in this big world of ours and find our way, or just be still when it is time to do that too. I am still learning. Still growing. Still hiding in corners so many days at a time, and still trying to believe in the fact that I have so much to offer. That is the message I wanted to send. Loud and clear.
And yet in a subtle, adorable, scrapping, unimposing sort of way. That is how this book of "YOU" was born. I hope it speaks to your eyes, your heart, or to whatever other part of you is open to receive its message. And if you take nothing away from it except one thing, I hope it is this:
You are loved. xo
YOU
You come into the world tiny, soft and full of needs.
There is much to learn.
You will have days filled with play, curiosity and wonder.
Other times you will have days that just wear you out.
You might even feel like hiding in a corner.
You might feel like finding a cozy spot... and let the world simply pass you by.
But always know that you are special.
Adorable.
And loved more than you can possibly know or feel.
Putting on a special shirt or tie, or a favorite pair of shoes can bring out the spunk in you.
But the truth is that you don't need anything extra to make you a better you.
I love you... & the world shines brighter just because you're in it.
Yes.
You.

True Love.

On this eve of Valentine's Day I am feeling less than romantic. In the past 24 hours, we have had a couple of sick kids which means extra loads of laundry and baths to be done. We just had the flu bug at our house 6 weeks ago. So I was less than thrilled that it has hit again. In addition to stomach bugs, we had a vehicle picked over by some random strangers as it sat out in our driveway. That type of invasion just makes me feel so unsettled, even though nothing was taken from us. It just brings to light the "bad" that is out there- never far away.

Bella has to have two teeth pulled tomorrow morning; Teague is teething and has a nice diaper rash to go along with that. There are a few household items that need attending to, and I have a couple of fun spots that are driving me crazy from where I bit my lip a couple of days ago. I'm sure I could add a few more things to this list, but I am sure you sort of get a big enough picture with just these things from one day in my life.

I've said it before that sometimes it feels like life just wants to drag us down. I'm not even sure who or what or where it wants to take us, but I get really bugged that it piles up and weighs us down at the same time. I keep writing about wanting to find joy and happiness in life once again, and I feel like we continue to make the effort to do so, but no matter how hard we try the bad stuff outweighs the good. The fun is squashed by the not-so-fun. Almost all the time.

I am a big believer in fighting back. Even though I let myself and everyone around me down with my bad attitude way too often.

My mom mentioned the quote you see in this post which says, "Commitment begins where fun ends." I have been thinking about that for a couple of days and especially so as my thoughts turn to Valentine's Day and all the things we see and hear about love this time of year. I was thinking about how long it's been since Chip and I have had a moment to ourselves. Much less any type of romance or dinner out together. It's been longer than I can remember. I was thinking about how our relationship was so different when all we were concerned about in life was "us". We had all the time in the world for fun and for laughing and hanging out and experiencing things without ever worrying about getting anyone to bed on time. Or about paying for co-pays and having doctor visits and dental appointments on school days or about having diapers on hand or lunches ready or any number of other things that life demands of us on a daily basis now.

I was thinking about how unlikely it is that we should still be together as a couple. We have lived through the loss of a child. We have lived with a daughter with major medical needs and have 5 other "needy" children to watch over each day too. We don't do what the relationship 'experts' say about going on weekly or monthly dates. We often go to bed in seperate rooms because someone is sick or crying or we just fall asleep exhausted and it's too much effort to go to bed in the right bed.

I couldn't help but think about our wedding day. None of the things I've mentioned in the previous paragraphs even crossed my mind as I took those steps down the asile, hand-in-hand with my new husband, Chip. I was thinking about the hugs we would share with our friends and loved ones as they congratulated us on our love and wished us the best in our marriage. I was smiling as I thought about the cake we would cut and eat together. Our first dessert as husband and wife...carrot cake with coconut frosting! Mmmm! I was thinking about how handsome I thought Chip looked- even with beads of sweat on his brow from the heat and humidity of that August summer day. I was thinking about the details that had fallen into place for us to have such a beautiful, intimate ceremony. I was trying to hold on to how fast the day seemed to be flying by.

But not once did I think about or picture a life where we would have to start laundry at midnight and bathe kids after a long day. Not once did I picture having to make rules about who can use the laptop or that I would yell for someone to turn the tv off 4 times before they actually listen and go to the dinner table as asked. Not once did I imagine holding a tiny body in my arms and know that weight would still come to mind as I missed my little girl. I didn't picture a life where instead of going out for a nice dinner together, we simply tried to get everybody through the meal without crying. I didn't picture a future where we would stand hand in hand and sing "It Is Well With My Soul" as we recalled memories of our firstborn daughter's 4 short years of life together and share a grief like none other I have ever felt before. As we walked down that aisle to start our life together I never imagined any of the "worse" that we had said in our vows. I thought only of the better. As most brides and grooms do.

It's hard to see past the beautiful gowns and the flowers and the shiny rings and the hair that is perfectly in place. The guests are all smiles; even the rainclouds and downpour that happened on our wedding day couldn't dampen the love and joy that we felt- inside and out. It was all we had in our hearts and on our minds.

But in real life, the flowers wilt by evening. My dress showed wear and stains by the time the first dance played~ the song...Fly Me to the Moon. =) My feet began to hurt on the drive to our bed and breakfast. But even then, there was a smile on our faces and love was in the air. There was no denying the happiness we felt. It was evident on our faces. We had our head in the clouds and we were more than thrilled to have them there too!

I am thankful for the vows we made on that day- August 12th, 1995. I am thankful for a God who has shown Himself faithful to us in our darkest hours, in our moments of bliss, and in all the ordinary days we've shared through the years. It's true. The fun has worn thin most of the time at this phase in our lives. The demands placed on each of us far outweigh what have to offer to each other and to everyone else around us too. But one thing stands out in my mind.And that is the choice we have in making it work. We choose to stay together. We choose to believe that there is coming a day when we'll have more "fun" again. We choose to believe that God has brought us together and when we said, "I do" it meant we do always. Not just when things are pretty. Or fun. Or easy. Or when the skies are cloudless and blue.

Commitment is something that takes hard work. I know you all know this. But what I think we forget or fail to see in our culture and through the media so often, is that commitment is so worth it! There is something amazing about being able to look back after days or weeks or years of not-so-hot times and see that you made it through that together. There is something so humbling to me on the mornings I wake up with my hair sticking straight up and dark circles under my eyes and my breath doesn't smell very nice and then Chip greets me with a "Good morning, Beautiful."

That is a God-thing, if you ask me. =)

I know we have a love we don't deserve. I already told you we do most things wrong when it comes to building a strong and lasting marriage. We do however know that even when we wish everything in life could be different that we are still grateful to have each other. We still have work to do and lots of ways to improve the way we show love to each other. We still have lots of reasons to say, "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" too. We still have more times than we care to admit where instead of being grateful for one another, we wish we could take a break from "us".

But we stick it out. We are commited. Deep down we know that from the very beginning there was something special. Something bigger than that which we could see or feel had a plan for us to be together as one. Even when things didn't turn out the way we imagined or dreamed. His plan was one of Love. For better; for worse; in everything.

This Valentine's Day I know that even without a box of chocolates or a vase full of pretty flowers or a romantic dinner out that Chip is the one for me. Forever. I know that his love is real- even on the days it's hard to see or feel. I know he knows this about me too. And it's not because of anything we have done right. But only because of the One who continues to show mercy and grace to us and holds us together.

I am thankful more than anything this Valentine's Day for the true love of God. I hope that you are thankful and can see it and feel it in your heart and life in a real way too. May you know and share this love with others around you- today and always.

I have to close with this:

I love you, Chip.

Forever and ever.

Always.

xoxo

Jody

My little Superman...

The past couple of nights I have been seemingly more aware than usual of just how big my little Superman is getting. If you could see this guy in action {Crew is recently turned 3} you would know that he is a very intense, funny, energetic- boardering on hyper, lovable boy. He gets his mind made up very easily and there is great challenge is changing his thinking. He wakes up bounding out of bed 9 days out of 10, and still needs to be practically wrestled into a good night's sleep most of the time too.
He has very delayed verbal skills...but "talks" almost non-stop.
He loves to do things himself...but constantly wants to keep up and do things like the "big kids" here at our house.
He eats mostly yogurt, granola, nuts, cereal, toast and fruit...but would be just as happy living on chocolate chips and brown sugar lumps if I allowed it.
He knows all his colors and shapes and the alphabet.
He also knows how to turn on a remote, satellite tv, laptop computers, Angry Birds on cellphones; he can operate the Wii, DSi Nintendo games and the dvd player.
But yet he still isn't fully potty-trained.

He does things his way and in his time. Almost all the time.
It sure makes for some interesting struggles and conversations and interactions among all parties living in our home.
But we love him like crazy and he knows it too.
So in light of all of that and more, as I tucked him in bed the last couple of nights and lay down next to him to whisper and sing and calm him as he fell asleep, I couldn't help but let my heart swell over the fact that he is mine right now. I know it will feel like he has grown up too soon and he'll be finding new love someday down the road.
I pray for his future wife and soul-mate and her family who is lucky to be raising her and feeling her love right now too.
But as he wrapped his little Superman jammie arm around my neck and pulled me closer to him so he could twist his fingers in my hair, it just made me want to soak it in and savor it even more.
I am humbled and feel lucky to be his first love. I am amazed that I get to be the one to feel his arms wrapped around my neck and know that he feels so secure in my arms too. I feel honored that God has allowed me to be one of the people in his life to have to understand his speech, guide and direct his energy and try to help him maneuver his way through the early years of life, growing and learning.
I'll be honest- I go to bed worn out more often than not because of this little guy in my life. But in the moments of quiet and calm and when he races toward me with arms open wide to hug and be hugged in the morning, my heart overflows with a love like no other. I am happy to be the mom to such an amazing little superhero. I will always love the way he has captured. I hope I never forget how it feels to be hugged to sleep by this little superman.

...and then he was 3!

A week ago {Sept. 19th} Crew turned 3! It seems like we were just setting up his nursery and getting all the tiny clothes washed and put away in anticipation for his arrival. The next thing I know he is signing "3" and helping to select the cake flavor(s) and then holding the mixer and licking the beaters when the batter is done.

The years really do go by in the blink of an eye- even though some of the days and nights feel like they will never end! Even with having 7 kids, I will never understand the phenomenom behind that truth. We fell in love with Crew and his tiny newborn baby scent back in 2008. He was perfect and warm and squeeky at just the right times. It seems like he grew out of that newborn/baby phase way too quickly and his bright little mind was bent on keeping pace with all his older siblings. There's a 4 1/2 year gap between him and the next in line, Ava, so he had a lot of ground to make up!

I won't sugarcoat it and lie to the world here on my blog. He was a tough cookie- and still is at times- especially when it comes to his strong will and his independent nature. He has wanted to do things his way and on his own since about the 1 year mark. It's only been in the last few months that he is easier to "tame" and also his verbal skills are finally starting to develop and that makes things a bit better for all of us. Knowing that "Bobbie" means he wants to watch SpongeBob helps more than one would think!

I am just so grateful that he is smart, funny, healthy, happy (at least at various times throughout the days) and ready to learn and try new things all the time. Even if it means I've wanted to tear my hair out once in awhile. We're in this together and for the long-haul. Thankfully we have a relationship that was based in love from the very beginning. And love will see us all through!

So, to wrap this up I am going to share some random things I love about Crew being 3:

I love that he can make his own toast. It sort of gives me a small heart attack because I'm not sure what he's up to sometimes, but it makes him proud. Some of my older kids could take cooking lessons from him. Seriously.

I love that he wears Superman jammies and when he wakes up in the morning a lot of times he comes running right to me with his arms wide open ready to give and get a hug. It's a great way to start the day!

I love that he laughs at quirky things. He loves slapstick humor already.

I can't help but love that he gets mad when we tell him he can't drive a car yet. I think he gets that from Ava. She was so upset one day at age 4 that I wouldn't turn over my keys to her that she cried the whole way home from picking up the big kids from school. =)

I love that Crew loves "grown up food" over fast food or junk food, for the most part. He eats cereal/granola for several meals and snacks each week. He especially loves fresh fruit and berries on top. And he insists on pouring the milk on himself, so I give him a little cup of milk that enables him to do it without my help. He won't eat chicken fingers or cheeseburgers, but he does like corn dogs. And toast. See above. =)

I love that he stills gets way too tired and than "crashes" at nap time if/when he takes one. He has a point in the day where he needs a nap so badly, but he fights it just as hard. On the days that he takes one I often get to lay down on his bed and help him calm into sleepmode. I know he's there when he starts twisting his fingers in his hair on the top of his head. Sometimes he even makes little knots.

I love that, even though it makes me feel like I live on a prairie and I'm married to Charles Ingalls, Crew calls me "ma". It's most adorable when he says, "Thanks, Ma!" for whatever it is I happened to get for him at the time.

I love that he makes smiley faces on the driveway with chalk. He loves art time with paints, markers, crayons and LOVES playdough. But he's not so typical in that he hates to get any of it on his hands or clothes. How lucky does that make me?! =)

Okay. One more. I love that he doesn't hold back. Whether it's good or bad, he's in 100%. Which is why I sometimes want to tear my hair out, but I also know that the world holds something amazing for him and he's going to go get it with all of his heart. It might get broken a time or two... but whatever his dream is, he is not going to settle for anything less. There is a lesson in that for all of us. Even if I am a biased mom of a charming 3-year old boy.

Happy birthday to my Crewie as we sometimes call him. I am so glad to be the one to watch you grow, to teach you new things, to see you try and try and try some more, and to share the frosting from the beaters too. My life is forever better because of you! Love, Ma xoxo

She got her wish...

Today is Teagan's birthday. She would be 14, but as I've shared before, in my heart and mind she is four forever. This is the way I will remember her always. I will never forget how excited she was to be turning four. She wanted a butterfly cake and she got one. She actually celebrated her birthday twice that year. The second time she decorated her own mini cake with M & M's. She was surrounded by family and friends who loved and adored her. There was so much happiness and laughter in her world.

She got a lavendar Barbie Jeep and several other toys she wanted that year. She gave hugs and kisses in return. She was a bundle of love, joy, happiness and never-ending energy. There were days I felt like the luckiest mom to have such a special little girl in my life. From the moment the doctor said, "It's a girl!" and then placed her next to my cheek I felt something I never imagined I could feel. My heart overflowed with love and blessing at such a wonderful gift. She changed me. She changed me from the inside-out.

Ten years ago she was one of the happiest little 4-year old girl I had ever known... and she had a wish. A truly unusual wish for someone who loved life and lived it with such zeal. She told me several times in the next few months after her birthday that "she wanted to be 4 forever". I tried to talk her out of such a wish. Not that I ever dreamed that it would come true. I couldn't have known that it would.

If I had known I would have lived differently. I would have smothered her even more with love and hugs and praise and kisses. I would have breathed in her beauty and expressions and I would have taped her voice singing and laughing and I would have snapped a thousand more pictures of her too. I would have sung her to sleep and stayed next to her through the night just to memorize how she felt and soaked up her warmth a bit more. I would have run my fingers through her hair and wrapped my finger around her pinky even more tightly each time we pinky promised to love each other forever.

I couldn't have imagined such a childish wish coming true. But for some reason, beyond that which I will ever know or understand, she got her wish and that wish changed my life forever. Today is a day of remembering and wishing and dreaming and even for being thankful. I still feel like the luckiest mom some days. Today, as much as my heart is forever torn, I feel grateful. Grateful to have been given the gift of Teagan. Even if it was only 4 short years.

Happy Birthday Teagan, my little dream girl who still brings me to laughter and tears. You'll always be the love of my heart.

Four months.

The past four months have literally felt like forever in some regards, and then I look at the photos of Teague and realize just how quickly they have flown by! He's not such a tiny baby anymore. He has definitely filled out in body size and we often comment about how he's our biggest kid and we wonder how big he'll be when he's all grown up. He is definitely the most easy-going little one of all the kids and he is so observant and wanting to see all the action that goes on around our house.

Crew is a wonderful big brother- even though in almost every other aspect of life he is demanding and overbearing. We're very thankful that he has such a soft spot toward Teague. Teague loves any and all attention and so the relationship between these two is growing almost as fast as Teague's body right now. =) I couldn't help but set Teague up in the orange Bumbo seat and snap some pictures of him- just as I had done with Crew at the same age. The comparison picture just makes me smile as I immediately see similarities and differences. It's so fun to be able to watch Teague's personality emerging a little bit more each day.

We love having him in our family and his laughter and curiosity and huggable-ness (I know that's not a word but I couldn't help myself.) and his cuteness are some of the best parts of our days right now. We feel lucky to have had him in our lives for 4 months already. We feel lucky to be the family to watch him grow and give him love.

I have a feeling the next four months are going to fly by even more quickly!

Shining examples of love~

Today my parents are celebrating their 43rd wedding anniversary and I just want to let them know how happy I am for them! Although we live hundreds of miles apart, they are the biggest supporters of me and I am so thankful for their love for one another and for my family over the years.
They married young and had 5 kids and have been through many ups and downs through the years. They have worked and served alongside one another for nearly their entire married life. And they are still together and thriving- which is quite a testament of their love and devotion to each other and to God. My parents are not perfect and we have had our differences at certain stages in life, but I can honestly say that I am a better person for having them in my life. They are the first people I call when something goes right in my life. They are the first people I call when something goes wrong too, and I know that even through trembling words on the phone that they will offer comfort, prayer, advice and sympathy too. Their love has helped to carry me through some of the most trying times in my marriage and family life and that is a gift that I can't put a price tag on.
I am so happy for them to have each other in this world. They bring out the best in one another, and seek to bring out the best in others around them too. I know that God planned for them to meet and marry and build a life together before they were even born. I am humbled and grateful that they have been such an amazing example to me of love and faithfulness in so many aspects of life. I treasure them as parents and friends and hope that on this day they know their love has made a world of difference in mine.
Happy Anniversary, Dad and Mom. Thanks for being such a blessing to me and others in all you say and do. May God grant you more love and happiness in the years to come!

My bitty bear...

I can't believe another week has come and gone. Some days I am nearly on top of the world by noon and feeling I have it all together. And then just shortly after 3pm, when all the kids are home from school, I can topple from my "mountain" and free fall til midnight or longer. Almost like I'm drowning in stuff that needs to be done or worried about. Maybe I need to stop worrying so much. =)

One of the things I feel like I miss in my life right now- no matter how full and busy it may be- is the connection with friends. Most of my 'close friends' I actually know and love through online connections. Many of them I've met in person and it only makes me wish for more time and opportunity to be together with them more often. I have an amazing friend, Jo-Anne, who lives in Holland. She is beautiful inside and out and will likely have tears in her eyes when she scrolls through the pictures of Teague on this post. You see, she has a big, tender heart and we've connected in a special way. And she crocheted this little bear cap and gorgeous sweater for Teague. Over the past month he has been such a snuggly, cozy little guy that I didn't know he could be any cuter. But Jo has a way of bringing out the best and even more in a person and she did that with her handmade lovlies for Teague.

The good news is that I read her blog and she has a link there to her etsy shop if you just have to have a little bear hat or another handmade treasure of your own. Here is the link and you can trust that everything she makes is made with love and care. She will probably be blushing by the time she finishes reading this post too. That's just how Jo-Anne is.

I'm listening to my bitty bear squeak and squirm from the other room. He's 'watching' Notre Dame football with Daddy right now. Things are calm around here. For at least a brief moment. Tomorrow my medium bear turns 2 years old. I don't know how our day will go- Crew can be lovable, crazy and even more crazy- all at one time. =) SO, in case I don't get a brief, quiet moment two days in a row, I'll wish him a Happy Birthday now. I hope we get a chance to snuggle and cuddle him a few more times before he's too big and grown for all that gush.

Happy Birthday to you, my Crew. I hope the terrible in the "terrible two's" eludes you!! {wink}

Wrapped in love...

Here it is- the official baby announcement. Teague is two weeks old today, and we couldn't be more happy about having in our lives. He gets his share of hugs and kisses. We plan to keep those coming his whole life long.

Welcome {officially!} to our world, Teague Easton.

You are one loved-on little babe!