Sometimes I don't know if I should laugh or cry...

To most of you reading here, these pictures just look like two sisters having fun outside in the grass. And you're right; Bella and Wyndham were rolling down the front lawn when Chip did the weeding and planting and it was just a mellow family night outside for a couple of hours.
What you can't see {and why I post this and make a 'big deal' out of these pictures} is that it really is such a huge thing for Wyndham to be in any of these photos...much less smiling and having fun. But our families know. And some of our close friends and her therapists know.
That this really is a big deal.
Wyndham's brain injury has affected her in so many ways, and honestly, since we have lived and 'grown along' with her special needs for almost 7 years now, they sometimes just seem 'normal' to us. It's not something I point out to people all that often- even though there are still so many issues with her. We have tried to make them a part of our lives and we try to treat her as 'normal' as the other kids and truly it is one of my favorite 'compliments' in life when we can go places and people don't even know she has issues at all.
It has come at a cost though.
Since August of 2001 she has had in-home or outpatient therapy/rehab from 2-4 times per week...from 1 to 3 hour sessions. I don't even know how to begin to add up how many hours that equals. I just know it is a lot.
She has had to try harder to do things that most kids do without even 'thinking'. She has had to overcome fears that don't even cross other kids' minds- like sitting on a swing, or stepping up to an 'automatic door', or even touching grass.
These 'fears' are real to her and there are medical terms for her sensory issues and needs, but I won't go into all of them here. I just had to post these pictures and {especially let our family and friends know} that God continues to be so good to Wyndham and it is in these little "big" moments that I am reminded of His ongoing love and care for us and truly I don't know whether to laugh or cry at times such as this.
I was watching Bella roll down the hill and she was laughing and having so much fun. I had taken a few pictures of Chip and had my camera outside and of course, I had to take some of Bell too. Wyndham had been watching Chip and was just sitting on blanket with a pair of big garden gloves on. She was content to watch and felt a part of the process simply because she had the gloves on her hands.
But then I saw her watching Bella too and she moved off of the blanket and sat in the grass. Now this in and of itself is a big deal. All last summer she wouldn't even put her bare feet in the grass. She wouldn't walk off of the driveway onto the grass- even to go to the swingset, by herself. She has an aversion to the texture and the uneveness of the grass/hill made her nervous too.
I watched her eyeing Bella and then at one point Bella came over to her and said, "Wyndham, you can roll too. It's fun!". And with that, Wyndham laid down in the grass and allowed Bella to help roll her down the front lawn. She seemed to love it as much as Bella! She rolled a few more times and then when she sat for a break, I asked to take her picture and she smiled and signed "grass" for me too.
I know it seems like such a small thing when there is so much pain and natural disaster and tough stuff going on in the world, but for me, at that moment, it was just a wonderful {loud!} yet tender reminder that God is in ALL things. The little stuff and the big stuff. I had to hold back tears, and even typing this gives me that familiar lump in my throat that has come so many times through the years as I have truly seen and felt God at work in our lives.
Sometimes I think we forget He is there- especially in the little stuff- because He just seems like He would be too 'busy' for us in the small things. Yet I am writing this, knowing in my heart that He is real and He cares and He loves and He heals and brings blessing and Joy when we allow Him into our lives fully. The big and the little.
I am sorry for the struggles that Wyndham has had and will continue to have in her life. But at the same time, I consider them some of my biggest blessings and I know that God will never let us down. Through it all. In those moments, I just breathe...because I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Before and After.

Chip's mom will appreciate this (Hi, Grandma Karen!). You can click the photos to enlarge them. What you see are a couple of 'before' pictures of Chip doing some maintenance on our front landscape and planting flowers for me for Mother's Day. Our weather has been cool and was wet over the weekend, but still he managed to get some projects done and the last picture is the 'after' as it looked today.
The kids helped to pick out flowers and loved trying to help 'dig' and plant and just be involved in the process. Both my parents and Chip's mom are avid gardeners and so I think this post may just make them beam a bit. Maybe we have some green thumbs developing around here. I am looking forward to seeing some color burst on the scene- very soon, I'm sure.
And thank you, Chip, for all your effort and thoughtfulness. He knows I'd rather have a whole summer of flowers out my front door than a week of roses on our dining table. =) I appreciate him and his and our kids' budding interest in gardening.

The simple, shining moments...

Brock had his first singing/speaking part in the elementary school musical {Cinderella} yesterday. I was so proud of all the students that had major roles. It was the sweetest production I've seen in a long time. So full of color and fun. I'd post more pictures, except that I didn't get permission from all the families...so you'll just have to trust me that it was cute. =)

Brock doesn't have an edge against most of his classmates when it comes to sports and natural ability or speed, so when he had this opportunity, he jumped at it and I think that smile you see just after the show tells so much. We keep trying to encourage him to just be good at what he loves and in everything else in life always do your best.

Ava is just learning to ride a 'big girl bike'. {And don't worry, she just happened to not be wearing her helmet in this picture, but normally we make sure she has it on 99% of the time...} She is getting faster and better at stopping too. I love that I gave her a boundary- she can ride down the street a few houses to where she sees a yellow fire hydrant and then she's to turn around and come back. So far, she rides right to the 'yellow spot' and then comes back. It's one of the few rules she does obey lately and it makes me happy knowing that once in awhile mothering has its rewards.

The smiles I get everyday are enough to keep me going. The obdience is just icing on the cake.

Happy Mother's Day one day early, to all my Mom readers and friends. I think we should really get a week-long celebration and pampering for all our hard work. But one day full of smiles and obedience will be gift enough to me.

{Here's our 'baby burger' pic at 20 weeks, for those who continue to follow his growth.}

Scrappy fun~

I recently got a box of some of my favorite scrap stuff ever- the soon-to-be-released {May 12th} Hipster Collection from SIStv. I started scrapping an ultrasound picture... which you can view here, and I also took a picture of me 'wearing' a piece of the ribbon as a choker necklace- just for kicks. =)
I scrapped a door hanger which reads, "Shh...baby is sleeping" because I figured I will definitely need to post that for my kids to see soon enough! I'm thinking I should start practicing with it already- just to make sure they understand the concept by October. =)
I also have to follow up yesterday's post with another Happy Meal story that still makes the kids laugh each time I tell it.
This story is one of their favorites about Teagan- it happened when she was about 3 years old. We traveled many times up through Michigan's UP {Upper Penninsula} across Wisconsin and back home to the Twin Cities, MN. On this particualr trip we stopped and grabbed McDonalds for lunch and we were so happy to sit outside by their play area and eat in the fresh air. Teagan was tired of sitting, and I don't blame her. Twelve hours in a car seat is way too much for any little child to endure. We asked her to eat first and play as soon as she was done, but she wouldn't think of it. The slide was too tempting. She took a couple of bites of her cheeseburger and then said, "I'll come eat more in a minute". Just as she got to the top of the slide, she yelled to me to look up at her and as she started to go down the slide, a bird swooped right next to me and grabbed her cheeseburger in its beak and flew away.
Teagan saw it happen. I started laughing...she started crying. If my memory serves me correctly, Chip tried to scold her for leaving her food and playing first...but her tears got him- just as they did every other time she 'poured on the charm' for her Daddy. He got her calmed down and wiped her tears and headed back inside to buy her another burger. She went down the slide a few more times, and then ate her 'new Happy Meal'. She laughed about the bird eating her cheeseburger several times on that trip. We still laugh about it years later.
They may not be the most nutrious meal...but they definitely can be memorable and Happy. =)

The best Happy Meal ever...

We had our ultrasound today and the baby looks great. The girls and Chip came to the appointment and we were able to find out that we're having a boy!
I told Brock that I would bring him a Happy Meal lunch and if there were nuggets inside the bag, it meant we were having a girl. If there was a burger, it meant we were having a boy and if it was a fish sandwich, it meant we couldn't find out yet.
When I showed up at his third grade classroom door, he practically tore the bag open and his whole face lit up and he started to grin and said, "It's a burger...I got a cheeseburger for lunch...it's a boy!". All his friends and classmates started clapping and cheering for him. It was definitely a proud, really wonderful moment.
We are all just so happy that everything appears normal and healthy and we look forward to the rest of this pregnancy progressing well. If you want to see the layout I made today, it's here.
Yes...today we really did have HAPPY meals. =)

Work and play-

Some of you have wondered how Wyndham is doing at home and school since her medical concerns zapped her body and energy so severly a few months ago. I took a couple of pictures of her at school the other day when Bella had her 'pretend birthday' and she was more than happy to pose for the photos. She did that one with her reading book all by herself. She is so proud to be able to 'be normal' like the other kids now and even ran a lap around the playground with her class at recess today. It is so nice for me to see her personality back as well as her physical capabilities too. We're very thankful that she seems to be doing fine with her current anti-seizure medication and look forward to a summer where she grows and plays and has fun just like the rest of our kids.
I had to post a picture of Brock and Chip because they had the chance to hang out and golf together this weekend too. The weather has been just about perfect here and as you can see, the grass is greening up nicely. My perfect temps actually happen to be even a bit warmer than what we've had so far- I like it right about 78-82 degrees F...which I get from my mom. =)
So, what's your favorite temp...I'll see if I really am in the minority or not.

Growing slowly...growing strong.

My sister sent me a quote and meditation recently from livinglifefully.com and it just is so well written that I wanted to share it here for you, but also for me to read through a few more times over the next few weeks. Many of you just left comments here when I invited you to share your favorite images and thoughts about nature; they were really wonderful and as spring continues to burst forth around me here in Michigan, these thoughts are just fitting for many of us it seems. I hope they make you pause and think of your own circumstances. I love that God has placed in all our hearts a sense of Him though nature... we can see beauty and power and be awed by the tiniest cell to the grandest mountain landscapes or vast oceans. There is a never-ending supply of inspiration, but I also find that nature is so humbling to me when I look closely too. I never cease to wonder at it all. I hope you love this as much as I do...
Daily quote from May 2:
All of nature offers lessons on living, free of charge. One morning I noticed a dead tree supporting many living things--fungus, vines, lichen--which taught me that even after death we can continue to support those who live on. Living trees on our property teach other lessons. One tree has grown around a barbed wire fence. Another has grown around a nail, and a third through a chain link fence. These trees teach me how to accept irritation, absorb the pain and grow around problems. Nature teaches me how to find my place, grow toward the sunlight and bypass obstacles. To survive, we must be able to change in response to whatever is required by the challenge of the moment. Our bodies know this,but our minds often rebel when change is necessary.
Today's Meditation:
Resilience and adaptation. These are qualities that can be quite beneficial to us, but with which we tend to struggle greatly. First of all, we tend to do our best to avoid situations in which we need to show these qualities, for they're very often unpleasant. Why do we need to show our ability to adapt unless someone's put some barbed wire in our way? Why do we need to adapt unless we need to grow around a nail or through a chain link fence?
If someone does put an obstacle in the way of the direction in which we're growing, we tend to complain a lot before we even think of adapting to the new obstacle. We tend to say it's not fair, and the obstacle should be removed! Unfortunately, I think, we far too often succeed in removing the barrier before we ever have to learn how to grow around it, and we end up learning nothing from a potentially great learning opportunity.
We can learn from the trees who stand their ground day after day, just doing what trees do. They grow to be strong but flexible, and it's not their strength that allows them to withstand severe storms, but their flexibility. When they meet an obstacle, they grow slowly but surely around it, without a single complaint (that we know of, anyway!)
This moment requires something from you, be it patience, understanding, strength, courage, or something else. There are examples of all these things to be found in the natural world, role models for us to learn from and to take valuable lessons from. The lessons are there for us, but the question is whether or not we see and accept them.

Sending our love...

Today Chip's sister, Melissa was married to Wolfgang and we are two states away, but send all our love to them and hope their wedding was wonderful. I pulled up a couple of pictures of her and just know that they will an adventure together in life from here on out. That's what marriage is, right? =) We wish them all the best.
In honor of their wedding, I thought I'd post a few links to some of my favorite wedding websites. I have always loved everything about weddings and still enjoy looking at the fun/personal details and amazing settings and beautiful gowns and cakes and, well, just everything that goes into weddings inspires me. So here are a few special links: Snippet & Ink, Amorology Weddings and Emily Street. If you have some links to inspiring wedding sites, feel free to hook me up in the comments today. I will love you for it!
And finally, here is my latest scrap layout using the SIS Trendsetter Collection. Dedicated to one of the most inspiring scrappers I know... Happy National Scrapbooking Day too!

One of the best things about kindergarten is...

she got to have a 'pretend birthday' in class today. Due to a July birthday, we chose a random day to celebrate and that happened to be today.
I love the idea of celebrating something out of 'nothing'. Making it a special day just because...and the house smelled so wonderful with cupcakes and zucchini bread baking at 8 am in our kitchen.
Go ahead and try it for yourself. Even if you're not in kindergarten. Celebrate something- anything today.
Just because.
Also, if you are following my growing belly, here are the latest pics of baby and me.

The month of May

It's crazy to think my kids will be done with an entire school year at the end of this month. Despite the seemingly long and endless winter months, spring is here and suddenly there is much to do and the days are speeding by as summer approaches. I loved reading all your comments about what you love about nature. I love too, that God is SO evident in all of it- from the tiniest bud on a tree to the most ranging storms and calm afterwards. God is in beauty all around us.
The comment left by Cassie was the one that came up when I did the random number generator- so Cassie, email me your mailing address and I'll send you a butterfly card in the mail.
{ nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com }
May, though, also makes me think of the Coble family. They lost 3 of their children in a truck accident last year (on May 4th, I believe). I have prayed for them and thought of them so many times throughout the year. As a mother who has lost a child though, I know that this month will be very difficult for them and the memories and pain will be very real. I know they were also expecting triplets and have never heard an update on how that pregnancy has progressed, but I know too, that it must bring mixed and overwhelming emotions sometimes.
So, if you think of their family, I invite you to pray for them.
I know if it was me, I would appreciate all the love and support I could get- even from strangers.
May you have a blessed and wonderful spring, with many things to be thankful for each day.
Edited to include this link from one of my readers here...thank you.
What amazing timing too...no wonder they were on my heart. I send my best to Lori, Chris and their babies.

Just because...

Recently someone commented that I have a 'woe is me' attititude and always see the dark side in life and share it too often on my blog. My husband on the otherhand tells me that I don't keep it real here often enough...he thinks I tend to 'gloss things' over sometimes. I have to admit I'm not sure why I even blog anymore, except that I love to write, I love to share stories and pictures, and also I know that some of my family keep up with me this way- even though they never comment. { Hi Aunt Betty in Canada and Cousin Dan in Iowa and others of you too! =) }
I have never forced anyone to read my blog, nor have I ever coerced anyone into believing what I do, or even liking the things I like. I just put part of me out there and let you do with my thoughts/insights/stories whatever you like.
I guess I write all that as a sort of disclaimer- although I don't really get why anyone would have to add a disclaimer to their blog. A blog is just that. For me, I just feel like we have so much to learn from each other and I appreciate the wonderful friendships I have made as a result of keeping a blog and connecting through others' blogs. I don't ever feel it is my place to tell someone what to write or what not to write on their blog. I never feel pressure to agree with someone else's opinions or buy the items linked in their posts, nor do I feel it is my place to judge how they share their ideas.
It's a shame when there is a disrespect for people in this world for ANY reason...but to me it is even more shameful when people disrespect others anonymously or in a negative manner that serves only to bring others down.
But that's the way our society seems to be going- whether in the political arena, in the entertainment world, or even between genders, religious beliefs, social classes or different age groups. Today I fully meant for this blogpost to be a really short, "This is what made me happy today", but instead I've somehow turned it into a mini sermon. I want to challenge you to do your part to make this world a better place today and everyday- to stand up for injustice, to put a stop to gossip, to encourage rather than tear down, or even to step out of your comfort zone and seek- if even for a few hours- to see the world through someone else's eyes. Maybe that means you will volunteer at a food pantry, or get involved with a summer youth program. I don't know what would stretch you the most, but I have to admit I feel like we get comfortable and need to be pushed to 'be better' than we are at times.
And now,
for the lighthearted post I intended...
Here's a list of some of the simple things that made me happy today-
~Getting my grocery shopping done by 9:30 am...
~Enjoying a Starbuck's latte AND a having my hair cut on the same day...
~Feeling baby movements during the entire hair appointment and part of the drive home...
~Eating fresh strawberries with my kids and watching the juice drip down their chins...
~Hearing Bella tell me "I have 1000 kisses for you" ...{she used up 5 right then} =)
~Watching Wyndham walk down the grassy hillside of our home that just last summer made her so afraid...and realizing it was not too many years ago that she couldn't walk at all
~Having Brock apologize for coming home 'late' from playing with the neighbor kids, but promising me "it will never happen again, and I love you so much!" (even if it was so he could still get icecream for bedtime snack...
~Skipping doing the laundry and not feeling guilty about it...
~A kiss, a nose-rub AND a hug from Ava before she got tucked into bed...
~Listening to music which reminds me that even if I had 'nothing' in this world, because of Christ in my life and what He has done for me, I have everything and then some- I have blessings where I deserve nothing.
That's God's mercy and grace.
Just because.

Butterflies and scrap goodness...

I'm back- wow, two posts in one day. =) I love it when that happens. Well, I actually love it when that happens and nothing else in my life has had to 'suffer' as a result. Laundry is done, kids were bathed and they're all tucked in and sleeping right now. We even had Oreo ice cream cones this afternoon and I baked muffins to go along with dinner. So I feel justified in posting again here.
Even though I don't really need to justify blogging to anyone...I just feel better myself.
{ It must be the pregnancy...I feel like I have to account for squeezing things into my life right now, and I'm also trying to let go and get out of a few committments. So this is all just part of my thinking process. The old ongoing question...should I keep blogging or not? For now I'm going to keep at it. Hope you don't mind. Thanks for listening to all this self-talk. =) }
Okay.
Butterflies are all over these days- in textiles from bedding to clothing to paper goods. I really love the simple shape. Butterflies always make me think of Teagan too...she loved them and her last birthday cake was even in the shape of a butterfly at her request. The past few days I've had lots of 'butterflies' in my stomach too as this baby just seems to be moving and active so much of both the day and night.
So how fun for me to get the new Scrap In Style Trendsetter Collection and have it be full of butterfly goodness. I was able to make one mini album so far- you can see it in full here...and if you want to get your hands on the Collection itself, it went on sale in the SIS Boutique here today.
Those little colored butterfly notecards I just had to have after I spotted them at Barnes & Noble while we were on our date yesterday. I always have someone I need to send a note to...and these just seemed the perfect way to say so much. Anything really. From "I'm thinking of you", to "My heart hurts for you" to "Let's grab a Starbuck's soon!"...these cards pretty much cover it all in my opinion.
And now, just for fun, why not leave me a comment telling me what simple thing you love about nature, and by Thursday I'll pick a name and send one of you a card in the mail. "Just for fun...just for reading Nitty.Gritty." Ciao for now!

The other 'man' in my life...

I love my son Brock. I don't think kids know their own 'greatness' sometimes, and he certainly falls into this category. Those top two photos are for the grandmas who read my blog. He is so proud of his developing abilities in the game of lacrosse, but most other sports he struggles to fit in and compete. I keep trying to tell him {and Chip does too} that you can't be good at everything, but that the main thing, no matter what you are doing or trying to learn, is to always give it your best effort. That way even if you 'fail', you can be confident that you did all you could.
It's a lesson I'm still learning in my own life sometimes, but true in all our lives.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to take Brock out on a 'date'. He won a giftcard at school the other week for a local store. Any guesses to where we went?
Barnes & Noble.
He absolutely LOVED it there! I lost him a few times because he just went from section to section totally enthralled at every new topic he came upon and he just couldn't get enough of it. I had expected him to be excited to pick out a book or two with his card, but figured once he'd made his selection he would be just as happy to head to the checkout and leave for someplace more 'fun'.
We ended up spending a little over two hours there, browsing books and discussing what was so great about different subjects and authors' styles and he especially loves history and nonfiction- but also really loves the classics in the 7-12 age range right now. He finally chose a book, and had a couple of dollars left on his card, and it just made me love him more when he said, "Let's go find a book that the girls will love and bring it home to them...it'll make them so happy".
It honestly was the best 2 hours I've spent with him in a long time. No demands, no interruptions, no agenda...just us, time and a really rich environment for conversation and fun mix of topics. When we left he said it's his new favorite place and he plans to ask for Barnes & Noble giftcards for birthdays and Christmas from here on out. =)
I know it's hard to make 'time' for all my kids individually, but after hearing about so many of your childhood memories a few posts back, it made me see that it's not the 'big, spendy events/trips/gifts' that make the greatest impacts in someone's life, but rather the time spent with someone, sharing life/something they love. I was also surprised at how many peoples' fondest memories from childhood involved their grandparents...and hopefully my kids will grow up knowing how much they are loved by their grandparents even though our visits are too far and few at this time in their lives.
I just wanted to share all this because 1) it was such a wonderful, simple date and 2) to remind myself {and any of you} that time matters more than things. Sometimes our advertising-infused culture drowns out this message and we really need to hear it and remember it each day. I hope I can be a good influence in all my kids lives- to help weed out the junk and help grow them into the truly 'great people' they have the potential to be!

17 weeks, 5 days.

If you've got an answer to this perplexing question, I'd love to hear it... hmmmm.
I'm wondering why 10 pounds can feel so big and heavy when I carry it in the form of a growing baby inside me, but when I carry a piece of 10-pound luggage at the airport it feels as if I'm hardly carrying a thing?
Just my thoughts for today.

I promise I don't make this stuff up.

When I was a kid I would listen to my mom tell us things from her life as a kid or about us when we were younger and sometimes it just seemed so outrageous that we would accuse her of 'making it up' or embellishing it. She always assured us that she was telling the truth and the fact is she really DID have alot of unusual things happen along the way. She still has crazy things happen from time to time. But now I know to just believe her.
In my own life it seems like things happen to me or in our family that are rare or 'non-occurances' in other peoples' lives. I don't know why that is, but this is one of those things I decided I had to blog about, because likely it will be something I look back on and laugh about. But at the time, it was no laughing matter.
Some of you know I have been a little more 'stressed' than usual the past month or so. Others I have emailed or talked to in person and asked for prayers as I waited for some test results to come back in regards to my pregnancy. Thank you for praying for me, by the way...you know who you are.
Well, after weeks of waiting I finally got my results and it has been really great news and a big relief too.
Big relief.

Here's a portion of the {true} story. The day after Teagan's birthday (which many of you understand is a bittersweet day for me each year) I was making sandwiches for lunch while my inlaws were putting bikes together for Wyndham and Ava and it happened to be my OB doctor. She asked if I had a few minutes and as I continued to make some ham and cheese sandwiches she told me that some of my labs had come back with 'abnormal/inconclusive results'. She told me I would have to repeat the tests in a month and she felt confident that everything would be fine at that point. It sounded like she was just 'being cautious'. After some explanations she finally said, "the tests I'm referring to are for the HIV".
You can imagine the surprise I had when she said that.
I had her repeat a few things and said, "Well, I'm sure it can't be positive... obviously it's just an error...no I don't have any other questions...yes, thanks for calling." I didn't really think much about it for a few hours after that- we ate our lunch and went about our day.
But when Chip came home and I talked with him about the concerns and told him I needed further tests, it then began to hit me what I was saying. It seemed so ridiculous to me...but at the same time I could feel myself growing concerned.
The next morning, Chip talked to the pathologist and an ER doctor friend of ours, who both reassured us that it would all be cleared up in a month and neither seemed worried about the inconclusive results I had received.
I, on the otherhand, had to get more information myself. So I started googling and searching all sorts of fun stuff related to HIV, testing, abnormal results...anything that came up in the search engine. {Big mistake!} I was clicking and reading and obsessed and getting more and more stressed for about a week. Let me tell you the truth about that week in my life. It was no fun. None. I would read stuff. And then freak out. Or call Chip and ask his opinions. Or wake up in the middle of the night and go back online from 3am until 6. And then I would think it was all crazy. And there's no way any of this should be happening in my life.
Because the fact is, I had NO WAY according to 'how you get HIV' that I could have possibly been infected.
But I've been around the medical realm enough to know that sometimes you need to be an advocate for yourself. You need 'knowledge' in order to know that the right thing is being done. Once I felt I had enough 'intelligible' questions and concerns, then I called pathology and wanted to be set straight on a few things.
Well, that didn't necessarily help at that point, because one of the things I found out was that at my hospital ("a low-risk institution") in each of the past two years, there have been 2 instances similar to mine, in which the labs had to be sent to Mayo for more specific testing. In each of those 2 instances, one result was a true positive and one was a false positive. Basically, out of the hundreds or thousands of HIV tests that are run each year, I happened to be one of two cases that was typical for them to see...and I had a 50/50 chance of having recently contracted HIV.
{This is the point in the story where it was helpful for me to tell myself to breathe...I'm just sayin'.}
SO... yes, it gets better.
Being the good 'person of faith' that I am, rather than look at this whole situation in medical terms, I began to look at this from a spiritual perspective. {I'm saying this to make fun of myself. Sort of like when I was growing up as a Pastor's kid and was told 'Oh, you can't do this or that...you're a pastor's kid.} Let me tell you, I was getting really radical at times.
There was the lightbulb moment, where I was reading one medical abstract or journal, I forget which one, and realized that there was nothing I could do about this situation when I thought, "Oh right. I have NO chance of having been recently infected, but in my life, stuff happens anyway. Like what are the odds that my healthy little girl sitting in a restaurant, eating chocolate chip pancakes will be killed doing so? The odds were astronomically against such a thing...but it happend." So I sat there telling myself, really, if God wants to allow me to have HIV, it will happen- no matter what I do or don't do. I told myself if He wants to let this happen, then I need to just accept it and see HOW He wants to bring me through it or use it for His glory.
Somehow.
This all happened in a matter of a week or so. The obsession was crazy. I got to the point where I convinced myself to not read another thing about HIV on the interent and instead, I decided I would only read my Bible and pray and just sit and 'listen' to what my heart needed to hear. I dug deep into Scripture and did lots of praying and questioning and finally felt a few things sort of 'point me' to the idea of complete surrender.
So that's what I finally did.
I realized that I wouldn't be thrilled with an HIV diagnosis, but heck...it seemed better to me than say a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Or other life-threatening illnesses. Many other diseases and viruses kill you in less than 10-20 years. I also reminded myself that I didn't know the number of my days anyway. None of us does. Something could happen tomorrow...so I began to have this peace about me, that it wasn't going to matter what the result would be...I would still be the same me. Life is what it is and to me it is ordained before I came into being- by God Himself.
So then I got 'really spiritual'...I thought maybe God was going to 'call' me to an AIDS orphanage in Africa or something and I just wanted to be ready for whatever I was in for.

Now I have to point out that this whole time- 6 weeks of waiting for an answer, that Chip was fully convinced I was HIV-negative and that I was totally overreacting. If you ever have a major worry in your life or you are campaigning for President or something, he is the guy you want at your side. He's convincing and supportive and even makes you laugh at yourself. I'm so glad he knows how to keep his cool and that it always seems to be enough for both of us.
I'm also very glad he turned out to be right this time around.
Not that God might not call me to work with orphans somewhere, someday...but I am glad that my life doesn't have to involve rounds of HIV anti-viral drugs and treatments.
I have found out that occasionally (and at my hospital- very rarely) in women with subsequent pregnancies, antibodies are detected which show intially as 'possible HIV infection' in lab results and thus the labs are sent for further testing. At this point the concern is that the individual may have early onset of HIV infection...thus the weeks of waiting before you can retest and get definitive results.
The waiting was hard.
The whole process made me mad at times- the helplessness, the stress, the sleeplessness, the total ridiculousness that began to make me wonder what I've done wrong in my life to deserve 'drama' like this. (Does it sound like I was overreacting to you?) =)

In the end, I dont' know what 'grand purpose' this incident is serving in my life, other than I could totally fly through a Jeopardy category if the topic was "HIV testing and inconclusive results" now. I'm sure that will happen soon. Ha!
I am feeling a weight off of my shoulders, so when I look at things like 4 loads of dirty laundry I'm really thinking, "Yay!! All I have is piles of laundry...at least I don't have HIV!"
I'm also thinking that as the pounds begin to pile on my waist I will just be "thrilled with them...because hey...they're just pounds...at least I don't have HIV!"
So that's my true-life story of what's been weighing on my mind for 6 weeks.
What? The price of gas is going up again????
Bring it on!!
At least I don't have HIV!

Then and Now.

Bella and Wyndham are almost ready to graduate from Kindergarten and so the teacher has asked us for some pictures of them when they were around 2 1/2. I went looking in my 'archives' and found some pictures that brought back wonderful memories. It's so fun to see how much they've grown and changed, and even more fun to see how much they're 'still the same'. Their personalities have been so different and distinct- even from very early on. It makes me nostalgic for those years that go by so quickly. It makes me more anxious and excited to think about the new baby we will welcome this fall. It makes me want to hang onto the moments that make up our days. Right now.
These pictures are bold reminders that time IS but a vapor...a mist. It's here and then gone so quickly. {Thank goodness for cameras!}
Now here's a fun question I'd love to see some of your answers to...what do YOU miss or remember about your own childhood? If you want to share some fun memories, I'd love to stroll down that lane with you. =)

Our family took in our school carnival on Friday night and I have to say that it was the best $20 spent on entertainment that we've all had in a long time. That picture of Wyndham is her smiling and showing me her ticket as she waited in line to throw wet sponges at one of the highschoolers in the booth. She was too nice when it came to throwing her sponges though...and she did what she could to avoid hitting the face in the hole. It was cute to see her want to play- but making up her own rules. Bella, on the otherhand, had no problem throwing directly at the hole and even tried to move up a step or two closer with each turn.
There were hot dogs and face painting, cotton candy and 'jail', which Brock was happy to avoid as much as he could. We cashed in some tickets for a rainbow kite at the end of the night, and that was yesterday's entertainment. We needed more wind to make the kite fly higher and longer, but still, it was a lot of fun for everyone.
We are enjoying longer, sunshiny days- even though it means Chip is away long hours at the Club. I know he loves his job and part of what drives me to want to stay on top the household chores while he is away is so that we won't have to spend time catching up on 'stuff' when is he around.
It's not summer yet, but it feels good just to know that it's coming. And I am so happy that Wyndham is making ongoing progress and really seems to be happy be outside and doing most of the same activities that all the other kids do. She's a great sport and the other kids are great right back to her and such encouragers for her to try things for herself. I'm a lucky Mom to have active, healthy kids right now. I think the new baby is going to fit right in too {moving all the time now!}.

Under the influence...

I thought I'd add a little 'disclaimer' for myself and the discussions/thoughts I may share here over the next 4-5 months. I've been feeling baby movements for nearly a week now and they have a way of making me 'freak out' while at the same time they affirm so much to me.
I admit that feeling little rhythmic movements while blogging affects some of what I actually blog about- proof being my previous disection of some Hannah Montana lyrics. =)
It's just the reality of another life being entrusted to me is an overwhelming thought... one I don't take lightly and yet I thank God for even believing that Chip and I are somehow capable and qualified to take on such responsibility. I know I can't shield my kids from everything that I wish I could- there just aren't enough Yahoo filters out there for that, still I know that raising kids is about being 'balanced' and giving them tools and love and support to be able to make wise decisions in their own lives or even the ability to deal with defeat.
So that's it.
Losing one child...raising 4 more...and expecting another just may be a big part of what I do or don't say around here.
I still find myself in 'shock' that these kids are all mine sometimes. I also feel more inadequate than qualified, and yet at the same time I find being a mom is one of the greatest things about my life.
Yep. I'm definitely 'under the influence of mothering' these days. =)

I only partly agree with this song...

In case you don't know, this is Hannah Montana (otherwise known as Miley Cyrus). [The photo is from this Flickr link.] My kids love her music and tv show and they enjoy dancing and singing to Wii game they have of her concert tour, as well as her cd's.
I have to admit, I think she's cute and her show is funny and entertaining. I don't mean to tear her down or judge her in any way...but I have been thinking about the truth to some of her songs and wondering what other people think about the words- if you really stop to dissect them a little bit.
One of the songs my kids listen to quite a bit is "Life's what you make it" {follow this link to read all the lyrics}. It's a fun, upbeat song that basically says, "Life's what you make it, so let's make it rock...". Most of what it says seems believeable and true and good- life's a choice and attitude is what makes the difference in how things are in your world.
I have to agree that attitude DOES make a big difference in how life can seem on any given day, and it DOES play a big role in many instances. I've been a big believer and even sort of adopted a similar life motto which is sort of 2-parts:
one being that "you can't always control your circumstances, but you CAN always choose how to respond to them" and the other is "sometimes you have to create your own joy". I'm not trying to get all nit-picky here, but I just especially wonder about this section of the song which says:
"Things are looking up anytime you want,
All you gotta do is realize that it's under your control,
so let the good times rock and roll...".
Like I said...maybe I am just opening a big can of worms here and who knows what sort of comments some of you may feel compelled to leave in response, but those words just don't sit well with me. I have lived through enough situations that 'aren't under my control' and I've sat in pits of darkness where I've wondered if 'good times' even existed anymore.
Maybe some of you are in them right now.
I think of people who are told, "You have cancer and there's nothing more we can do for you" or others who have spouses come home one day and say, "I don't want to be married to you anymore...I've found someone else"; some people struggle with weight or depression or infertility or addictions that consume them for years. Still others live through years of physical/emotional and mental abuse, or rape by family members of friends. What about those life situations? Or how about the Smith family who recently, for no seemingly obvious reason, had a beautiful baby girl be born and die on the same day- it was "out of their control".

I realize that Hannah Montana is just singing and having fun, but I also know that words can really speak to our hearts and souls and especially through repetition, they can shape our beliefs- even at an early age. I find that I don't want my kids to have to 'struggle' in life with major issues, simply because they have come to believe something is 'true' when in fact, it's that they have misinterpreted things or been mislead.
Truth is sometimes hard to find in this world in which we live. And I certainly am not claiming to know it all or even have all the right answers. That is why more and more in my own life I feel I have to really look and listen intently to messages that come at me- even if it's something as small as a song on a Hannah Montana cd.
I have no doubt that some things in life really can be controlled by a change in attitude or by taking a step back and looking at a situation as it is and thus making the most of that. But in other circumstances- those that are big and deeply affect people, often through things beyond their control {as in the things I previously mentioned, or even natural disasters...}- and for me, the only way to get beyond the hurt and devastation is NOT through myself, but by something bigger than me. Which as many of you know by now, is my faith and belief in God and His authority over everything- seen and unseen.
Maybe this is a bit deep and complex, but it's been on my heart and I just want to make certain that if someone is going through a life trial, that they know it's not necessarily about them. But more importantly that there is a God who cares so much and has infinite power and strength and love and healing to make this situation 'right' again. Maybe it will take time- years even- and maybe it won't even happen this side of eternity. I just know that God can be trusted to make things new and to bring about change in lives and hearts- even when it seems impossible to us. I truly believe that it's in surrendering to our circumstances and in admitting that a situation is too overwhelming for us on our own, that we ultimately find the Strength to face it in our lives.
And that is my sermon and breakdown of the theology of a Hannah Montana song today. I know. A little bit crazy...but that's the way I roll sometimes.