It is well with my soul.

Today marks what would be Teagan's 15th birthday if she were still here with us. It's a strange and wonderful thing to have this type of day in my life. One that, even now celebrating 11 birthdays without her, doesn't really come any easier and can't fully be put into words what my heart feels.
I do feel so honored and privileged and humbled and grateful and blessed that God chose me to be her mom- knowing full well that the number of her days would be less than 4 and a half years. Knowing full well that I had hardened my heart toward having any kids at all- yet He chose to send Teagan into my life and change me forever. She was my gift. My gift of being released from a life that was becoming more and more selfish and looking for fulfillment in things of this world- rather than finding it in the one true source in God. She was my gift of coming to understand that joy was in not in obtaining things, but in giving and receiving love. Teagan made me want to be better in all areas of my life. She made me slow down, reprioritize, simplify, notice the details, celebrate the ordinary, rejoice in the little things and she taught me that you can dance even when there's no music playing at all.
She loved life. It sounds cliche, I know, but in her short number of years she soaked so much in, gave so much to others and really lived her life to the fullest. She filled my heart and life in a way I never dreamed a child could do. Even as demanding as she was and the fact that she had more energy than I could keep up with sometimes, I know she was placed in my life to help refine parts of me that needed refining and to open my eyes to ways of seeing that I would have been closed to had it not been for her.
I spent my entire pregnancy with Teagan dreading the changes this baby would require of me once she arrived. Chip and I didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl. When we had the chance to find out I was still so upset to even be pregnant that I didn't care to find out. That's how hard my heart was toward having a baby.{I, of course, regret the way I felt back then. Especially so when she was literally in my life one moment, and gone the next.} But in His higher ways, and because God knows what is better for us than we know ourselves- out of His incredible mercy to not let me waste my life on things with little or no eternal meaning, God reached out to me and literally placed Teagan in my lap on the morning of March 18th, 1997.
"It's a girl!" my doctor said with a beaming grin on his face. It was as though she was the first baby girl he had helped bring into this world. Or maybe it just seemed that way to me because she was my baby girl. My first, my perfect, my tiny, the most beautiful creature I had ever seen...and she was mine. A big tear rolled down my cheek and my eyes blurred as I tried to grasp the reality that this tiny, perfect baby girl was mine. Forever. The love I felt as she was handed to me all swaddled and wet was something I can still feel, as clear as the moment it washed over me.
On this day, year after year after year, no matter that she's gone, I still feel it in my heart. It's like a piece of pure joy. Only now, my arms don't hug her. Her laughter doesn't ring in my ears. Her smile doesn't light up a room. Her tiny pinky doesn't wrap around mine the way we used to promise to love each other forever. Her birthday comes...and goes without her. But not without a certain peace that I know God continues to pour out into my heart even though she's gone. I miss her. I wish she were here. I cannot begin to comprehend the splendor that surrounds her in Heaven everyday. I ache from knowing I will never hug or see her on earth again. Yet I am filled with a deep comfort and peace for I know that our hearts are in the very same place.
That is a gift of grace that I thank God for whenever the sadness threatens to consume me. I rejoice knowing that I will see her again one day because God's promises are true. I wish her story- my story- our story had a different ending for her than the mere 4 birthdays we had with her. But I can tell you in all honesty and sincerity that I truly believe and accept the short time I had with her was a gift to change me. In more ways than I think I can ever fully know. Today I mark another birthday without Teagan. Sure there is sorrow; sure there is an emptiness that I can't express, but more importantly I have come to see how she was, is still, and always will be mine. It is well with my soul. And oh what peace floods my soul as I think back on who she was, who God is and what awaits us all in Heaven. Someday!
Happy Birthday in Heaven, to a special little girl. I can't imagine her at 15, and I am just as happy to think of her as 4. Forever.

Another birthday!

I didn't mean to go nearly a month without posting, but here it is almost a full month later and I am just getting to my blog. I can tell you that we have had a busy month. I think I have gone out more times in the past month than I did in the previous two years- in part because we have great babysitters nearby {Thanks, Dad and Mom!} and also we are just trying to jump right in to life here in Minnesota and that means making new friends, trying new things and finding ways to get involved with various activities in the community. Chip's job is keeping him very busy and I think he likes it that way best. We have also gotten well-acquainted with people at a local church and it feels great to be making friends with others who share your same beliefs and seek to live out similar ideals in life. The weather has been better than usual for this time of year and that has made it fun for us to get outside, play at our nearby park and learn our way around the neighborhood a bit. We are still anxious to get our house in Michigan sold- although there have been very few prospects up til this point. It simply becomes one big issue for us to turn over to God and let Him work out the timing and details for us. It's easier said than done, but I don't think waiting and learning patience is the worst thing to have to experience in life. So we wait and hope and keep an eye out for a home that will suit the needs of our family when the time does come!

To top off our busy schedules, we celebrated another birthday yesterday... Ava turned 8! She is so excited about growing up and I think she wished she had turned 13 instead of Brock. But she will get there before we know it and so I am trying to tell her to enjoy being 8. To start her year off right I woke Brock, Bella and Ava up early and we went out for breakfast at Perkins yesterday before school started. Each Wednesday our local schools have a one-hour late start {as part of an ongoing teacher-education program, I believe} so we had that extra hour we missed from Daylight Savings time this weekend to use at breakfast. =) Ava was so happy that she jumped out of bed and announced it would be her best birthday ever!

We kept it mellow and of course had to round out the day with homemade buttercream cake and cupcakes- Ava chose mint-colored frosting with pink (strawberry) cake inside. On Saturday we will have another small party with some family here at our house. And then on Sunday we will mark another birthday. This time it will be in memory of Teagen~ who would have been turning 15 if she were still here on earth with us.

It's so amazing year after year how the emotions well inside me- there is a heaviness that brings an unexplainable feeling. Even though I know it's coming each year it just sort of "hits me"- from headaches to a bad attitude for "no reason" to a little bit of anger at the unfairness and reality that we are missing out on so much of her life. I find comfort in the fact that we have been able to make so many wonderful memories year after year- even though it's not always an easy choice to make. It is easier to wallow and feel sorry and bitter and just shut out the happiness of the world when one's heart is filled with sorrow. I am grateful that God sent Ava into our hearts and lives at this particular time of the year. She wasn't due until mid-April. But I think God knew that we would need a very special reason to party in the days leading up to missing Teagan on her birthday.

Celebrating Ava and making new, fun memories with all our children has been a gift I wouldn't have reached out for if offered to me in the darkest days of my grief. It makes me all the more thankful that God knew best and chose for us they way He did.

Ava has been a beautiful little girl, who has a zest for life and seeks happiness and fun and joy as often as she can. She loves to party and be loud and dance and have fun. Even at totally inappropriate times- like when it's already past bedtime. =) I think I can speak for myself and our whole family that she indeed brings excitement and adds happiness to our lives in ways that only she can. I am delighted to be her mom and to have been the one to hold her first and kiss her first and to be the one to still get to bring smiles to her face through mint-colored cupcakes and lots of other ways too.

We love you, Ava and are so happy that God sent you to our family at the perfect time. We hope you have many more years of parties and fun and joy this side of Heaven! Before you know it, you will be a teenager and I am sure your zest for life will keep us on our toes then too!

The teen years.

This past Saturday Brock turned thirteen. I am officially a parent of a teen now! It really is a blur and crazy how fast those years go by. But I must say that I consider myself very lucky to have been able to watch Brock grow from a tiny 6 lb. 1 ounce little guy to the person he has become these past 13 years.
Brock has always been a mild-mannered, people-pleasing, good-humored, tolerable, patient, thoughtful, witty and likable and many other great things. We watched him change from follower to leader in our home among the kids after his sister died and as more kids have been added to the family. He fills his role well and there is added happiness in our life because of his presence in our lives everyday.
Some 13 year olds can be very demanding, but not so with Brock. At this point in his life he is loves video games and his PS3, but is equally happy to let his brother and sisters play it too. He puts forth good effort in all of his classes at school and enjoys the saxophone, social studies, science and math. He is signed up for lacrosse this spring and hopefully will get some time to play more golf this summer too. He has lots of friends back in Michigan and is making new ones here in Minnesota as he gets the opportunity.
He still is always willing to do what I ask of him- like help with Crew and Teague or give up something for someone else, like a seat on the couch- when asked the first time. It amazes me and I try to let him constantly know how much I love and appreciate his obedience. I marvel at it more and more as the other kids grow and never respond the way Brock does. He sets the bar high when it comes to obeying your parents.
And yet he's not afraid to speak his mind and let us know when he feels something isn't fair or that he wants some space to himself. We are lucky that he is in our life and family and I sometimes I try to imagine how life would be if we had lost him in our tragic incident too. He came very close to not being here with us and I don't ever want to take that for granted. I don't deserve any of the kids I have in my life- they are all true gifts to me and 13 years with Brock has certainly been more than a blessing. It's been my joy to be his mom.
And friend.
He just got Face Book- as we made him wait until he was legally 13 to get a page. I got to be his first "friend" and somehow I am fortunate to be mom and friend. I hope that our relationship will grow even better with time. I'm am sure there will be days where we don't see eye to eye on things or where we need a little extra soace from one another. But for now I can honestly say that it is a remarkable and wonderful thing to have a teen in the house. Or maybe it's just Brock. =) He really is a great kid and I hope that in the years he has yet to grow and learn and share his life and goodness with the world that the world recognizes a tiny bit of his greatness and gives some of it right back. Happy teen years to my Brock!
{That cake Brock requested is here if you want to make one of your own...Pillsbury Turtle Cake. Delicious, easy and makes for a great birthday cake!}

Sometimes it's best to look at the bigger picture.

I recently started a Biblestudy at my church with a group of women and the first two week's topics have been joy and peace respectively. I wonder if it is more than coincidence that these two topics were first up- which just happen to be two of the things I have been praying for more of in my life. I don't know why it is, but even after all the years I have spent getting to know God better and having a personal relationship with Him through His son, Jesus, I still find myself surprised and amazed when He seems to listen to and/or respond to my prayers.

It has been good for my heart and soul to have this time with other women who have hearts longing to know God more and live according to what He has called each of us to; it has been good for my heart and soul to dig deeper into the Scripture and "see and hear" stuff that is always there, but doesn't always jump out at me during my morning quiet times. It has also been good for me to be reminded of the many ways God has, does and WILL work in my life and in the world around us.

I happened to add a few photos to my FaceBook account this week and at one point I clicked on an album titled, "Snapshots of 2011". I was surprised and the number of photos I had taken and uploaded through the year. It was fun to see the different highlights that I had added and as I looked at the screen with all the smiles and happy memories it was like a little wave washed over me. It was the kind of wave where I almost couldn't believe I was looking at "my life". The pictures above are some of the photos I was looking at. I smiled to myself and thought, "ow lucky am I that these are the pictures and memories and people in my life?!"

Far too many times and through the stress of daily living, I find that I just get dragged down. What these little thumbnails reminded me of is just how much I have to be grateful for. I DO have reason to be filled with joy each day! I DO change diapers non-stop and wash lots of dirty clothes and more bedding than I care to admit that I do each week. I do have dreams and wishes for my husband and kids that go unfulfilled each day- and many of my own that take a backseat to life right now. But more than anything the Biblestudy and seeing these pictures and sensing that God has me right where He wants me to be right now has been a wonderful, calm reassurance in my life this past week.

I don't know what the Snapshots of 2012 will include, but I do know that even through the daily trials and stuff that seems monotonous and routine around here, there is sure to be some truly happy times; some memories that I will treasure for a long time. I am so glad that I was hit with the reality of how blessed I am and maybe the reminder or idea for me to stop and take a look at the "bigger picture",which is actually a compilation of lots of little pictures, every so often will help keep a tiny bit of joy bubbling inside me. Hopefully it will allow me to be thankful and peace-filled too, as I see all God has done in my life. He truly is a good God. Between the digging in, the prayers I've said, the sharing and doing life with others and the snapshots you see of my family and that is more than enough proof to me that God is working all things for good in my life. I've done nothing to deserve His goodness, except accept I'm a sinner and believe in His Son, Jesus. And He just keeps making something beautiful of my life. Sometimes it's up to me to simply step back and take a look at the bigger picture. One day I look forward to seeing it all from Heaven's vantage point too!

True Love.

On this eve of Valentine's Day I am feeling less than romantic. In the past 24 hours, we have had a couple of sick kids which means extra loads of laundry and baths to be done. We just had the flu bug at our house 6 weeks ago. So I was less than thrilled that it has hit again. In addition to stomach bugs, we had a vehicle picked over by some random strangers as it sat out in our driveway. That type of invasion just makes me feel so unsettled, even though nothing was taken from us. It just brings to light the "bad" that is out there- never far away.

Bella has to have two teeth pulled tomorrow morning; Teague is teething and has a nice diaper rash to go along with that. There are a few household items that need attending to, and I have a couple of fun spots that are driving me crazy from where I bit my lip a couple of days ago. I'm sure I could add a few more things to this list, but I am sure you sort of get a big enough picture with just these things from one day in my life.

I've said it before that sometimes it feels like life just wants to drag us down. I'm not even sure who or what or where it wants to take us, but I get really bugged that it piles up and weighs us down at the same time. I keep writing about wanting to find joy and happiness in life once again, and I feel like we continue to make the effort to do so, but no matter how hard we try the bad stuff outweighs the good. The fun is squashed by the not-so-fun. Almost all the time.

I am a big believer in fighting back. Even though I let myself and everyone around me down with my bad attitude way too often.

My mom mentioned the quote you see in this post which says, "Commitment begins where fun ends." I have been thinking about that for a couple of days and especially so as my thoughts turn to Valentine's Day and all the things we see and hear about love this time of year. I was thinking about how long it's been since Chip and I have had a moment to ourselves. Much less any type of romance or dinner out together. It's been longer than I can remember. I was thinking about how our relationship was so different when all we were concerned about in life was "us". We had all the time in the world for fun and for laughing and hanging out and experiencing things without ever worrying about getting anyone to bed on time. Or about paying for co-pays and having doctor visits and dental appointments on school days or about having diapers on hand or lunches ready or any number of other things that life demands of us on a daily basis now.

I was thinking about how unlikely it is that we should still be together as a couple. We have lived through the loss of a child. We have lived with a daughter with major medical needs and have 5 other "needy" children to watch over each day too. We don't do what the relationship 'experts' say about going on weekly or monthly dates. We often go to bed in seperate rooms because someone is sick or crying or we just fall asleep exhausted and it's too much effort to go to bed in the right bed.

I couldn't help but think about our wedding day. None of the things I've mentioned in the previous paragraphs even crossed my mind as I took those steps down the asile, hand-in-hand with my new husband, Chip. I was thinking about the hugs we would share with our friends and loved ones as they congratulated us on our love and wished us the best in our marriage. I was smiling as I thought about the cake we would cut and eat together. Our first dessert as husband and wife...carrot cake with coconut frosting! Mmmm! I was thinking about how handsome I thought Chip looked- even with beads of sweat on his brow from the heat and humidity of that August summer day. I was thinking about the details that had fallen into place for us to have such a beautiful, intimate ceremony. I was trying to hold on to how fast the day seemed to be flying by.

But not once did I think about or picture a life where we would have to start laundry at midnight and bathe kids after a long day. Not once did I picture having to make rules about who can use the laptop or that I would yell for someone to turn the tv off 4 times before they actually listen and go to the dinner table as asked. Not once did I imagine holding a tiny body in my arms and know that weight would still come to mind as I missed my little girl. I didn't picture a life where instead of going out for a nice dinner together, we simply tried to get everybody through the meal without crying. I didn't picture a future where we would stand hand in hand and sing "It Is Well With My Soul" as we recalled memories of our firstborn daughter's 4 short years of life together and share a grief like none other I have ever felt before. As we walked down that aisle to start our life together I never imagined any of the "worse" that we had said in our vows. I thought only of the better. As most brides and grooms do.

It's hard to see past the beautiful gowns and the flowers and the shiny rings and the hair that is perfectly in place. The guests are all smiles; even the rainclouds and downpour that happened on our wedding day couldn't dampen the love and joy that we felt- inside and out. It was all we had in our hearts and on our minds.

But in real life, the flowers wilt by evening. My dress showed wear and stains by the time the first dance played~ the song...Fly Me to the Moon. =) My feet began to hurt on the drive to our bed and breakfast. But even then, there was a smile on our faces and love was in the air. There was no denying the happiness we felt. It was evident on our faces. We had our head in the clouds and we were more than thrilled to have them there too!

I am thankful for the vows we made on that day- August 12th, 1995. I am thankful for a God who has shown Himself faithful to us in our darkest hours, in our moments of bliss, and in all the ordinary days we've shared through the years. It's true. The fun has worn thin most of the time at this phase in our lives. The demands placed on each of us far outweigh what have to offer to each other and to everyone else around us too. But one thing stands out in my mind.And that is the choice we have in making it work. We choose to stay together. We choose to believe that there is coming a day when we'll have more "fun" again. We choose to believe that God has brought us together and when we said, "I do" it meant we do always. Not just when things are pretty. Or fun. Or easy. Or when the skies are cloudless and blue.

Commitment is something that takes hard work. I know you all know this. But what I think we forget or fail to see in our culture and through the media so often, is that commitment is so worth it! There is something amazing about being able to look back after days or weeks or years of not-so-hot times and see that you made it through that together. There is something so humbling to me on the mornings I wake up with my hair sticking straight up and dark circles under my eyes and my breath doesn't smell very nice and then Chip greets me with a "Good morning, Beautiful."

That is a God-thing, if you ask me. =)

I know we have a love we don't deserve. I already told you we do most things wrong when it comes to building a strong and lasting marriage. We do however know that even when we wish everything in life could be different that we are still grateful to have each other. We still have work to do and lots of ways to improve the way we show love to each other. We still have lots of reasons to say, "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" too. We still have more times than we care to admit where instead of being grateful for one another, we wish we could take a break from "us".

But we stick it out. We are commited. Deep down we know that from the very beginning there was something special. Something bigger than that which we could see or feel had a plan for us to be together as one. Even when things didn't turn out the way we imagined or dreamed. His plan was one of Love. For better; for worse; in everything.

This Valentine's Day I know that even without a box of chocolates or a vase full of pretty flowers or a romantic dinner out that Chip is the one for me. Forever. I know that his love is real- even on the days it's hard to see or feel. I know he knows this about me too. And it's not because of anything we have done right. But only because of the One who continues to show mercy and grace to us and holds us together.

I am thankful more than anything this Valentine's Day for the true love of God. I hope that you are thankful and can see it and feel it in your heart and life in a real way too. May you know and share this love with others around you- today and always.

I have to close with this:

I love you, Chip.

Forever and ever.

Always.

xoxo

Jody

Oh, Crew!

Sometimes I feel like life is too much of a blur. Does that happen to you too?! I know so many of us are good at savoring the little things and many of you are good and/or eveb great at documenting so many of the moments that come and go, but I still find that I sometimes wish I could just freeze-frame life for even just a few hours.

This is our Crew...or Crewman as we often refer to him around here. He is still the one out of 6 kids that keeps us hopping more than any other. He is still so strong-willed and demanding and he has mood swings that make our heads spin from morning til night each and everyday.

But once in awhile he flashes his big-eyed, huge smile my way and I can't help it- he melts my heart and I feel that thing inside that literally would attempt to swim across an ocean for him. I feel that way for all of my kids. Especially when their little arms reach up for a hug, or when they pull you in for a kiss. I feel it when they beam at me with accomplishment- over something I have spent hours upon hours trying to help them learn.

That moment he was placed in my arms is one I still keep tucked in and stored as a treasure in my heart. It will be there forever. No matter how big he gets, no matter where he ends up living and spending his time when he's grown, and it will always make me feel like I am the lucky one. I know Crew is my busy, growing boy. And it is a privilege for me to be the one to watch and help him a little bit each day as he grows more and more into the person he was made to be all along.

{He's playing Cooking Mama in the picture above. He still LOVES to cook- in AND out of the kitchen.}

Oh Crew, we love you!

A family favorite.

I figured since I am in recipe-posting mode from the previous post, why not post a family favorite {which a friend asked me for the other day} and share it with you. It's our tried and true recipe for homemade Buttermilk Waffles. This one comes from my mom too. That's her hand-written recipe in the picture. It is wrinkled and splattered and shows wear from use. That's how much we love this recipe at our house.
In fact, we are having them tonight. Breakfast for dinner...if I could convince my kids to eat breakfst for dinner every single night, I probably would. I love the ease of it and the fact that all my kids like breakfast food. It makes life easy to make meals like this.
To make these waffles, simple get a bowl and mix all ingredients well. But not too well. A few lumps and bubbles here and there is a good thing. Then heat a waffle iron to the toastiness you prefer and enjoy. Simple. Delicious.
Especially with a side of sausage or bacon or fruit and a nice frothy orange julius.
I might have to share that recipe with you next. =)

Time for some chocolate around here!

You can thank me later for this recipe. Actually, you can thank my mom. A few weeks ago she came over and brought with her 2 things- a chocolate cake mix and an angel food cake mix. In just over one minute we had the above pictured dessert in front of us. My kids fell in love, and so did I. And I am not typically a big chocolate fan. Don't get me wrong, I do like good chocolate and melted chocolate with real whipped cream is even better. But given the choice, I will choose vanilla over chocolate almost every time.
But this cake? This cake is a must in your recipe file.
So put those two items on your next grocery list- a chocolate cake mix and an angel food cake mix and be prepared to fall in love with the deliciousness of this easy, EASY dessert!
It goes together like this:
Place both cake mixes into a bowl and stir them up. Next, grab a coffee cup. Get one that's a little on the large size- not your china tea cup. Pour 1/3 cup of the dry cake mixture into your mug. No greasing required. Add 3 tablespoons of water and stir it up a bit. Got it so far...cake mix and water in a mug. Now, if you want you can add in some chocolate chips or peanut butter cups or nuts or whatever you like to mix into your cake. I like 60% cacao Ghiardelli chips myself. So toss them in or skip that part if you don't have any mix-ins and place your mug in a microwave for 75 seconds.
When it beeps, you can eat this cake straight out of the mug, or spoon it out onto a plate or bowl. This is where the whipped cream comes into play if you like that dort of thing too. I do. It's my favorite part. Next to the melted chocolate and hot, fluffy cake. =)
It is seriously that easy, delicious and probably not the best thing for your New Year's diet resolution. But it is a really great recipe to know, keep on hand and really fun to enjoy alone or with a group of people. I have not tried it with cake other than chocolate, but the kids and I think it would be fun to try with Red Velvet mix, Classic Yellow and even Funfetti.
I guess there have been different versions of this floating around the web. I haven't seen them myself, but if you know any good links, leave them in the comments here. Also, a few people have asked about finding me on Pinterest. You can do a search under "people" and type in my name with no spaces: jodyferlaak. You should find my account. I plan to 'pin' this recipe for a few friends who have asked about it.
Chip was gone for 4 days this past week to Orlando, FL for the PGA Show. The last thing I made him add to the grocery list were two cake mixes before he left. Turns out you don't miss someone being away quite so much when you can enjoy this cake- fresh and hot. Oh. And when your mom comes to stay with you for 3 of the 4 days too. =) Thanks, Mom!!

I'm not an expert on the topic, but I do have lots of thoughts on it...

Suffering. I am writing about my thoughts on suffering today. I must first thank all of you who were so kind and encouraging in my last post to leave me comments inviting me to keep sharing on this blog- even if my stories aren't so happy and carefree and always positive around here. My intent in sharing what I do has never been to simply share the "good stuff" or to leave everyone feeling inspired and moved in some way. But I have always intended to "keep it real"...to tell it like it is. I hope that Nitty.Gritty. is a place where whoever stops to read goes away at least thinking about something meaningful. Whether that is through my favorite buttercream recipe, or through tales about my kids, or even through painful things I have lived through, I just hope that this place can be less about "fluff" and more about real life.

So thanks, from the bottom of my heart, for letting me just be me, and for actually caring enough to stop by here on occasion and leave me notes telling me how Nitty.Gritty. has touched your life. It means so very, very much to me... and yes, it even inspires me to want to share more. SO thank you for that. All of you!

Today I write to you about suffering. Now believe me when I say that I don't call myself an expert on this topic. Nor do I believe that I have had "my share of suffering", as though we all have to have a certain dose of it in life or reach a quota and then we get a badge or award or a "get-out-of-jail-free card" to use when life throws us our next curve ball. I do, however, feel like I have had a certain degree of trials and tests that many in this world will never know or feel or understand, and to that end it has caused me to think on the topic and ask lots of questions about it- thereby giving me "material" to draw on when I sit down and pen my thoughts.

This post is me penning some of my thoughts. On suffering.

Dictionary.com describes suffering as enduring pain, injury, distress, loss or anything unpleasant- being subjected to it and or tolerating it, patiently or willingly.

So there you have it.

If I simply take the definition of suffering I can overwhelmingly announce, "yes, I've suffered." I think every single person can identify with pain, distress or loss- whether it is physical or otherwise. I think it's important to note that I write out of this understanding- that each of us has suffered in our own way and I never want to over-emphasize my suffering, or minimize the suffering of another. But I still feel like I have something to say on the topic which might speak to one or more of you in however you need to "hear" it.

It's no secret that I have been stressed and struggling in many areas of life for a long while now. Every time I feel like I am starting to get back on my feet or seeing a light at the end of a tunnel or finding a way to 'create my own Joy' it seems as though some force comes along to knock me down and out again. I will be the first to admit that I am not very good or a very willing subject to this force each time it comes a-knockin'. I have gotten progressively less patient- with myself and others, less optimistic, less tolerant, less enthusiastic, less funny, less creative, less initmate, less friendly, less joyful and less a whole lot of other not so good things too. But let me just leave it at that for now. I am making myself feel terrible just writing out all the bad stuff I have let the hurts in my life bring out of me. The truth is that I sort of feel like every time something "good" is about to or does happen in my life, or every time I make a huge effort to be better than the "bad", to me it feels like things go from bad to worse. It's like the hardships in life don't just come and go, like they used to, but rather they keep piling up- one on top of the other. I think I've mentioned it here before, that sometimes I feel like I am just treading water, rather than swimming freely and truly loving or enjoying or getting the most out of life. I am also aware that there are lots of variables that come into play in my life- including the ages and stages of my children and the added demands of Wyndham's special needs coupled with a bunch of other things and it sort of has just been a long, hard "season" of life for our family the past couple of years. I get that.

I also write from a place where I feel like I have lived and learned some ultra-important lessons in life about appreciating what I have; I have a deep sense of perspective and insight about even our next breath not being guaranteed to us in life and so I should embrace the here and now like never before. I am keenly aware that life can and often does change in an instant...and I always get that things could be much worse. So much worse.

So I write from that place when I write about suffering. My thoughts lately have been more along the lines of not "why" do we suffer in this world. I fully believe there are lots of different reasons why and I fully believe that because of the original sin we live in a broken, fallen world which leaves every single one of us vulnerable to pain and suffering. So it's not so much the reason why that I think about, but rather about the actual suffering itself.

I posted a couple of pictures here today- one is a picture I took out my living room window the other day. It's a huge house that sits just feet behind our current place up on top of a hill. Crew calls it "the castle" and I have to admit I have wondered about the people who live there. I wonder what they do for a living- if they even have to work at all. I wonder if they have kids, or grandkids. I wonder if they love their castle, or if they would rather sell this home and live somewhere else. It's a beautiful, big house. But it doesn't mean that the people that live there don't have struggles or problems in life. Well, maybe they don't. =) I don't know for sure. But I do know that sometimes what we "see" on the outside doesn't mean that it's picture perfect on the inside. Tiger Woods is a modern day example of that- someone seemingly having everything going for you- when in reality your world can fall apart overnight.

So there's a picture of the castle. Then there is a picture of an online acquaintance of mine, Ashley of lilblueboo.com. She is an all-around picture of "perfection" according to the picture that many of us paint in our minds of perfection. Meaning that she is young, beautiful, creative, talented, driven, married to Mr. Hottie with a great smile all his own, and she has an adorable little girl to round out this picture we often paint in our minds. Her life is one to envy in almost every single way.

Except for recently.

Her dad died unexpectedly last spring. Shortly after that she experienced a miscarriage. Then, as if she wasn't going through enough suffering- physically and emotionally- she found out she has cancer.

She is in the middle of her battle right now. And although hundreds of other people are in the same battle, she seems to be facing it with a certain Joy and grace that many others lack. I have followed her story, prayed and sent messages of encouragement to her. You would be blessed by reading her story and cheering her on too.{There is a way to get more involved with her story here too!}

She has touched me through the computer screen.

And the part that has touched me is not that she has everything going 'right'... but precisely the fact that so much is going 'wrong' and yet she persists. She smiles. She seems to make the "suffering look easy". I've written about that here at Nitty.Gritty. in previous posts too. So the part about suffering that makes me wonder is this- maybe it's not the why's of suffering, but the definition of suffering that needs to be examined.

I have been asking God to show me what He wants me to learn from the hard lessons I feel I've been going through. I have been praying that maybe He could ease some of the burdens I have been carrying in life so that I could live 'freely' again. I have prayed and prayed that He might bring about the feeling of joy I used to feel and thinking that certainly it must be in the easing of my suffering that I would find that joy again.

But instead, I am beginning to think that maybe it is in accepting that my definition and God's definition of suffering are two totally different things. I know He could hand me the keys to a "castle" free of pain and suffering if He so wanted to. But that doesn't mean it would be the best way for me to learn lessons in life that clearly I still need to learn. I'm talking about that long, nasty list of not-so-hot things about me. Things like needing to love more, to like more, to be patient more, to be accept more, to try harder, to be better, to be gracious more, to be intimate and share myself more, to laugh more, to accept less when needed too, and lots of other refining I need in so many, many areas of my life.

Realizing that God's picture of suffering and my picture of suffering are worlds apart is probably one step toward becoming not only more joyful in life, but more in step with the character He is trying to mold me to be- through, ironically, what I term "suffering".

I am absolutely aware- even as I glance outside my back window and see a "castle" every single day, that even what I call suffering in life doesn't begin to compare with what millions of people in this world wake up to and suffer through every day. I am fully aware that I have so much more than most of the people of this world will ever know. I am thankful and grateful for all that I have. Yet, ashamedly, I have found myself wishing I had less baggage and more ease in life. I think God might just be trying to speak to me through the very castle He has placed in my backyard. I can't know what life holds in that castle- just as Ashley cannot know what life holds for her each time she has another round of chemo. Our sufferings may be very real to us. But I am starting to wonder if I could just catch a glimpse of them from God's point of view, maybe I could see how very, very small they are. And how very, very big He is. And the faith that has wavered in my heart might waiver a bit less as I recognize that He has this all in His hands. He has a plan and a purpose and reasons that can spin my suffering and all the world's suffering and turn them into things of beauty and even pleasure. He is that capable, and that amazing.

So, I hope that maybe, even with all this long rambling, that just maybe some of my tiny thoughts on the subject of suffering might shed a tiny bit of light on something one of you reading here is going through. Just maybe God can take my words and use them to touch you in a different way. Just maybe God can take the current suffering and pain that Ashley is going through and use it to change someone's life- whether it be the way they look at life and how they approach a pain or that they decide to "Choose joy" because they see the beauty of that in Ashely's fight.

I do not have the answers to suffering. But I do think, deep in my heart, that God might be using a little bit of suffering in my life to do something I would never have thought of on my own. That only proves my point. What I call suffering in my life, might very likely be termed mercy or grace since it comes from Him. And that, my friends, is a very, very good thing.

If I never blog again, this is why...

No. I didn't get a makeover and now I look like a pink-haired Katy Perry. But I did consider growing my hair out and trying the look for a few brief moments over the weekend. Chip even gave me the green light to go for it. But instead, I got my hair cut today, so this look will have to wait.

The real news is that I finally caved in to all the friends I see posting things and linking inspiring food, clothing, home decor, crafty projects, great quotes, flowing wedding gowns and a million other things that they see and love, and I got myself a Pinterest account. I am sure that most of you already know about, have a thousand pins and spend all your free time adding to your boards or browsing others. If you don't know what it's about, you are in for a treat. Or you are in for giving up free time that you would normally have for things like cooking dinner, folding laundry, reading kids bedtime stories, showering and anything else you can squeeze out of your normal schedule in order to spend more time on this site.

Between Face Book, mothering 6 kids, maintaining a rental home, marriage and now Pinterest, it's going to be a feat for me to update this blog at all. =)

Really though, I have to admit that I struggle with wondering what I should write and share here anymore. Years ago when I started Nitty.Gritty. I had fewer kids, lots of pictures and stories to tell- old and new, as well as the naivity that my family and friends would want to read my stories and see the pictures I posted too. The fact is, most of my family and friends no longer check in on this blog and those of you who do, I am not even certain why you read or keep coming back. There has been a huge shift in my happiness level the past couple of years, the stories seem to be the same ones I tell, just in slightly different ways. And well, the photos are fewer and farther between. Especially now that we've moved and I can't find my camera cord, so I am left with pictures snapped from my cellphone.

I sort of chuckle at my own self thinking that someone might actually miss me if I'm gone too long. I had high hopes of resurrecting my frequent posting here this year. And then Pinterest came along. I am actually hoping to do some of the fun/cute/interesting projects I've seen on the site and I hope that maybe getting some of my creativity back may help my happiness level jump a few notches at the same time too.

Life has not been as fun for me lately. But I am going to try with all my might to put a spin on it if I have to and bring back some Joy. Not because I have any more free time or energy, but because I truly believe that it's been missing far too long and I am finally saying, "I've had enough". The pits are only so fun for so long. The dark days don't breed light on their own. I know that because we've been sitting in them for awhile now and I am realizing I haven't been living out so much of what I have written and posted about through the years. I was reading some "old" posts here and literally found myself saying, "I wish I was more like that!" And the "that" is me...so I have some changing to do! I am feeling ready for change. Ready for light. Ready for Joy.

Ready for more Nitty.Gritty.

The good, the bad and hopefully some fun and inspiring in between.

If you see me with pink hair in the next few months, you'll know I am starting to find my way back to the happiness that my heart has longed for. And if it stays the way it is, I still hope that I will find happiness and fullness of life even so. If I never blog again, something has gone awry.

Because I love blogging and I hope to never fully give up on Nitty.Gritty.

Even if the rest of you do. =)

On the eve of another big day...

I just happened to find a stack of cd's with several hundred "old" family photos on tonight in the middle of some of our 'stuff' around the house. I put the disc in my laptop and couldn't believe some of the pictures I found. Many of them I didn't remember even taking- those are so fun to come across, because it's like you get a little treasure from the past you didn't even know you had kept. Remember my previous post... what can I do with or without? I am glad I am obsessive about taking photos. I especially love digital ones because although the discs and files take up space, they don't really take up much room in the overall scheme of things. And like I said, it's a treat to come across them and I am sure will just become more "valuable" with age.

Tomorrow is Wyndham's birthday. She is excited to be having Grandma and Grandpa at our house to celebrate her and have a special meal and of course, a special cake for her too! When I saw some of the photos of her- {these are of her at age 4 1/2} the emotions in me were all over the place. I can't believe how tiny she was! I can't believe she was still "walking on her knees or tall-walking" as her therapists called it. I can't believe she was so happy to be learning to use a walker and be gaining a little bit of muscle tone finally.

I just love her smile and how she was so eager to try new things and push herself hard in order to be as much like the other kids in the family as she could. I love that she doesn't look like she has a single major issue in those smiling pictures. Even though the fact is she couldn't walk, talk, go on the potty, ride a tricycle, spin and dance or do lots of other things that little 4-year old girls typically get to do.

On this eve of her eleventh birthday I am still amazed at so many things about her. Amazed in truly mixed emotional ways. I love that she has rose to challenges time and time again- almost her whole life long. I am awed that she has surprised us by accomplishing so many things. But I would not be telling the whole truth if I didn't say it breaks my heart a bit too, just knowing that even after all her efforts and wanting and working toward being "just as able" as most other kids, that she still can't walk or talk or go potty by herself or ride a bike or dance and sing whenever her heart desires. As her mom I have always wanted her to be able to reach impossible dreams. The reality is that at age almost 11, her dreams have had to shift and change and sometimes the acceptance of her reality has become my bigget challenge. Not hers.

But rather than be sad and dwell on the things she can't do, these pictures reminded me tonight of all she has overcome and how even when she's had to resign herself to the fact that she'll never talk or do lots of things other kids do, she still has a sparkle in her eye, a joy in her heart, a silly sense of humor and she is loved in ways many people will never have the privilege of knowing. She is a remarkable little girl and I just had this glimpse in my mind that I can imagine must have come straight from above tonight.

I was letting my heart just soak it all in- the day she came into this world and how Teagan was such a proud, big sister and how Brock was unimpressed and very much a typical 2-year old at that first hospital visit. He cared more about getting to drink out of my can of pop sitting on my hospital tray than he did about wanting a turn holding Wyndham. I was so happy to be a mom fo three and was so thrilled to imagine Teagan and Wyndham being the kind of best friend and sisters I hoped and dreamed they would be. And then I paused and flash-forwarded through the unimaginable and landed on this birthday eve.

I was sitting in my thoughts just thanking God for bringing Wyndham and us so far together. Through things I never imagined going through on that special birth day- January 4th, 2001. I was feeling that tightness I get in my throat when I hurt from the past when all of a sudden the glimpse came to me. And then it grew from a glimpse to an 'oh my goodness I wonder what it WILL be like' picture in my mind. That picture was one where someday- I don't know when- I will "see" the picture clearly in Heaven and Wyndham will be dancing. And singing. And running and laughing and twirling and doing all the things I wished she could do so many times... and she'll be doing them effortlessly. With great JOY! She will be more than I ever imagined or dreamed she could be. In my limited mind and imagination here on earth I can only compare it to how an Olympic Gold medalist might feel. Or how a musician feels when they hit the perfect pitch at their highest, loudest note in the song. Or how the poet feels when they pen the most eloquent poem and read it aloud only to bring tears and hushed sounds to the crowd listening on. Or how an astronaut feels as they look down to earth from miles and miles away- all the years of studying and the physical intensity it demands to be floating in air...well, you can see. I was given this amazing picture of how Wyndham might be in Heaven one day.

To think that we have had to walk a rough road with her and feel fatigue and heartache and emotional and mental and physical pain from the added demands of her life challenges- and yet to realize that it all is just a small thing to guide her, care for her and help her along the way to her ultimate healing and her hope of eternity. She will dance one day. She will shout praises to God with a clear and mighty voice. She will be the perfect creation God has intended her to be! I am sure the moms of Olympians would say over and over and over again that when their child stood on the highest podium and held up their gold medal that all the sacrifices and hardships they endured through the years of training, didn't matter one bit at that moment. The sweat and tears and pain it took to get to that point simply melt away and are replaced by the roar of the crowd. The music plays and as their child stands proudly for the whole world to see any parent would say that nothing compares to such a moment in time.

Well, I can tell you from my own little corner of the world, I believe with all my heart that Wyndham's moment in "time" (which will actually last for all eternity!) is more than going to make up for anything we/she has endured down here. It gives me such a peace and I know I need to focus more on what's coming as we continue to cheer her on every single day. I am proud to be her Mom. I am proud of her spirit and how she puts her best foot forward even when it hurts. I am so happy to be celebrating her life for another year tomorrow. As tough as it's been... there has been a lot to smile about. And I know more is yet to come.

With or without.

It is the start of yet another year. How 365 days seem to speed up and turn into a new year faster than the year before is the biggest surprise to me right now. I wonder if that keeps happening year after year, or if at some point it goes back to feeling a little slower-paced. Time will tell, I suppose.
So here we are- in 2012 and all it's freshness and possibility. Yes, I am in a new place back in my "home" state and feeling as though there are almost too many things starting over for me and my family all at once. From new schools, to trying to learn our way around a new grocery store, to setting up rooms and looking forward to meeting and making new friends. It's so much at once. If you know me in person you know I don't like change all that much. Sure, I love when Starbuck's offers a few new flavors on their latte menu. I like it when I get new shoes and they fit just right. I like watching my kids learn new things and try new foods. But beyond some of those things, I like things predictable and comfortable. Tried and true. I like knowing what to expect and when to expect it. I'm not nearly as adventurous as I look. =)
Right now, when I open the door to our garage, all I see is boxes and stuff stacked on top of more stuff. So much stuff that I feel practically overwhelmed with the task of finding things I still need and would like to use {or wear} right now. It's not for lack of space that our stuff is still piled high at this point. But more because, well one reason is that 6 out of 8 of us ended up with the flu bug the past few days. That did little to help the cause of getting us more settled in this place. It did give our washer and dryer a major workout. But I could have done without that right now. =)
It's more about me realizing in a big, big way that, while I knew we had too much "stuff", it was easy to just live without that knowledge and just let the closets get more and more filled at our last place. {Which, we are hoping will land some buyers as soon as possible. If you know anyone who wants a great family home near Muskegon, MI, send them this link. I'll send you some cupcakes as a return favor!}
So, as I was typing, in our last home I knew we had more than we needed. I had wanted to clean and have garage sales and donate nice things and give stuff away more times than I did. I knew the closets and shelves were filling up with all sorts of things. What I didn't realize is how much effort it takes to go through all of that stuff and sort it to try to decide what we need, what we want, what will be worth holding onto, and what we should simply let go of and be better off in so doing.
It's a big job to have a garage filled to the brim and have to determine what stays and what goes. Losing Teagan has made me hold onto things I might otherwise never have wanted to keep. Haveing kids from 16 months to almost 13 years old also makes for having a lot of stuff. There are games and toys and bikes and beds spanning all those years. That's a lot of gear to have to store and yet we use most of it too.
So as this year kicks off I am finding that I need to keep it as simple as I can. I am working on sorting through boxes of stuff and asking simply of each thing, "Can we do without this? Or do we need this?" I hope that I can actually make a dent in at least one small corner by the end of this week. Big jobs need to be scaled down, so I am hoping to not lose heart and just take it one box at a time.
I hope that come next year I will have learned that a life lived simply and with a whole lot less stuff can be just as satisfying and even more rewarding and fulfilling as the life where I filled up all the spaces I could. Wish me luck and I am crossing my fingers that we can stay healthy for awhile too. The flu bug is one thing I have determined I could definitely live without!
Happy New Year to everyone of you who reads and prays and laughs at us and with us each step of the way that I share here with you. I hope you have a year of learning, growing, whittling down and living more intentionally. May each of us become better in at least one small way!

Our new adventure has begun.

Merry day after Christmas and hello again to anyone who still drops by here to keep tabs on me and my family! We are settling in to the home you see pictured above, in Minnesota. There is no snow on the ground- which is nearly unheard of this time of year- and we are renters at the moment, hoping and praying our home back in Michigan will sell soon.

It has been a very long 5 weeks of packing and driving and unpacking and saying goodbyes and hellos and throwing in some celebrations for Christmas all at the same time. The good news is that I think the worst is over. The bad news is there is still a 3-car garage filled with boxes for us to sort and go through as we make this new place our home for now. The kids are all doing very well. They are excited to be in a new neighborhood; they love their new rooms and the layout of this house; and we are within an hour driving distance to my parents and many of our cousins too. So although it has been an intense (to say the least!!) month to get to this point, we are thankful that God has opened the door for us to be where we are and we are anxious to have this feel like home.

We will miss so many friends back in Michigan and are thankful for internet and ways to stay in touch so that it doesn't feel like there are that many miles between us all. We have lots to do- including getting the kids enrolled in school, setting Wyndham up with doctors and therapists, and even re-taking the MN road test in order to get proper licenses for this state. It seems like a never-ending list of things to do, but we are happy that so far we have stayed healthy and even had some moments of fun in between the major moments of stress during this major move. I look forward to being back to blogging and I hope the posts are not so few and far between.

I hope you had a very Merry Christmas. From me and my Nitty.Gritty. family, we wish you the very best in the coming New Year too!

Standard of measurment~

{Click for larger photos, if you like.}
I have to tell you something about me. Maybe some of you know it already. Maybe some of you have seen this particular issue I struggle with in person. Maybe some of you struggle with the same thing.
It's that little thing called self-image.
You know... the way we see ourselves.
Well, the truth is I don't always have a nice picture of myself in my head. I don't always feel inside like the person others sometimes see on the outside.
I honestly can pinpoint certain times in my life and events that really shaped- or should I say 'mis-shaped' the person I am.
It certainly didn't come from my parents. Or my extended family or even close friends. Nope. Those people have loved me for who I am and have been for my whole life. My parents always made me feel that I was unique, important and most assuredly let me know they loved me and God loved me. From the earliest age I have memories I already knew I was loved.
I was even likable and funny most of my school years.
But in middle school I most remember not liking myself. I was a great student. I was a class clown in a lot of my classes. But I was slightly chubby for my height. I was almost always the shortest kid in my classes and certainly felt "bigger" than a lot of the pretty girls I went to school and church with. My older sister was always- ALWAYS- taller and thinner than me. Even if I went on more walks than her.
It was hard not to compare myself to other kids around me...and you know what? It sometimes still is hard for me to not compare myself to others. Thankfully I have grown up a lot, matured a little bit (what? I have!), and learned to love me for who I am. All grown up.
But there are lots of areas besides my weight, height and hair color that I can compare myself to others- things like how big my house is; are my kids happy like other kids? Do my spouse and me have as much time or fun or happiness as other married friends do? And the list goes on and on.
We live in a world that loves to compare and contrast. It loves to measure people by monetary standards, and happiness standards and success standards and... I think you know. If someone can measure or compare it, it happens. Whether consciously or subconsciously. We stack our stuff- our bodies and looks and pocketbooks and families and divorce rates and home values and whatever we have or are gets put on some sort of scale.
I sometimes feel overwhelmed as a mom of 6 kids at home, that I have to shield my young kids, or at least be responsible for the pressures they feel or will feel to "measure up" in this world. I sometimes feel a weight on my shoulders that I know I can never be big enough to lift. I just don't have enough power or ability to keep the messages and comparisons that inevitably will come their way at bay. The media is a big source for many of us for setting our measurement "standards". It's why advertising does or doesn't work that well.
Where am I going with all of this anyway? I'm not 100% sure, but I will say this...I think it's a big deal and I really wish it wasn't. I will say that I have gotten much better and more realistic about my standards of measurements over the past several years too. I feel very lucky and blessed to be married to a husband who loves me at size 6 just as much as size 16. He loves me when I make waffles too many nights a week for dinner just as much as when I make Greek Spaghetti. I am lucky to have been raised and loved by family, friends and to know that God sees me as lovable and worthy ALL THE TIME.
I feel lucky and blessed that I don't have to wonder about my self worth. I know nothing can make me a better person- things like plastic surgery or a new pair of shoes or owning the biggest diamond with the highest degree of clarity. I know that "stuff" can't change who I am and should never be the standard for which I try to measure up.
I guess I am pouring out my heart on the subject because sometimes it seems like we need reminders in life about these sorts of things. I am writing to remind myself. I am writing because as Thanksgiving approaches I want to be conscious and grateful of things that truly ARE blessings in life. And not just making a check-list of things I am grateful to have. I don't want to create a spreadsheet to document the things that society seems to want us to measure our worth by.
These thoughts come in large part to our upcoming move and all the details that we are working on right now. Things like de-cluttering and looking at our next house and the schools our kids will go to and just being mindful that even though I don't cook the best meals, or keep the neatest house, or even have nice family photos taken with just the right amount of natural sunlight and flare in them doesn't add or take away any of my worth or the worth of anyone around me.
I want to look at myself and like me for me. No.
I want to love me for me. For those scars I blogged a few posts ago. For the trials that I have endured and yet somehow have still managed to find ways to smile and love in life again. I want the people around me to know the real me. And love that paerson too. Not just the one they see with make-up on and seems to have it all together. I want my kids to know I love them- no matter their test scores or if they can even walk a flight of stairs or use the potty by themself. I want them to know that our standard of measurements are different than the ones they will likely encounter in the world. I want everyone to know that God loves each of us- not because we are perfect- but because we are imperfect and we recognize we need Him in order to be complete.
Whatever it is that you feel inadequate about today, I hope that you will pause and take a look in the "right mirror" and see if maybe you are judging to harshly. I am ready and feel like I am on a path of feeling more free, more happy and more ready to let go of needing to measure up. In lots of areas of my life. I'll never be the tallest or prettiest or smartest or richest or lots of other things. But I know that I can still be the best me I was made to be.

Straight out of a book.

Sometimes its like life comes straight out of a book at my house. Yesterday it looked like this- the Oh, David! baby board book. We keep child-proof latches on our cupboards because of the age and stage Teague is at in life. The stage where everything in life is pretty much a science experiment and nothing has yet been discovered. His curious nature and lack of fear make for one busy little guy with a whole big world and endless opportunities to learn how things work. He is at the stage where everyday he wants a little bit more independence and feels fully capable of doing things all on his own. Even if they are out of reach, out of the question, or out of line. He doesn't care. If he can find a way, he is happy to do so.
So after he had already eaten breakfast, he was happy playing and discovering things in the living room. I was around the corner straightening my bedroom. The three older kids were all home from school due to parent-teacher conferences. It seemed as though the morning was off to a nice, leaisure start.
And then I heard a crinkle and a crumple and the sound of little bitty pieces on the wood floor. I took a few steps out into the kitchen and found Teague holding the Yogurt Cheerios with a twinkle in his eye at the same time. He seemed rather proud that he had discovered the latch undone on the cupboard that is 99% of the time latched shut. It was like hitting the toddler lottery. A couple of the kids came running to see what the noise had been...and they stopped dead in their tacks. Then they looked from him to me. I proceeded to say, "Uh-oh, Teague." Then I went and got my phone and snapped a few photos of the mess. By that time Teague was already squatting down and in true kid-fashion, he was picking out the pink yogurt-covered ones and eating them as though this is how we always eat our Cheerios. Off of the floor.
Crew came over and joined the fun and Ava helped me sweep and clean up. Brock wanted to know how it was that I was "staying so cool about it".
I told him that sometimes moms are better about being moms than other times. Teague had dumped out the cereal on a good day. =) But truthfully, I said, there was a time in my life when Daddy and me had sat in a house that had just a couple of weeks earlier been noisy, chaotic, a little bit stressful and had Cheerios and toys all over the floor that felt like a never-ending task of cleaning. But suddenly we were sitting there looking at each other hearing nothing but my quiet sobs and wishing upon every wish of our hearts that someone would come bounding into the room making too much noise and spilling Cheerios on the floor.
Here I was. More than 10 years after having such a wish on my heart and it was happening exactly the way I remember wishing it would. Only instead of Teagan, Brock or Wyndham spilling the cereal, it was my little Teague. My healthy, thriving, trouble-making, mess-making, lovable Teague.
I absolutely mess up more times than I can count as a mom. Every single day. But I also know that I absolutely appreciate the messes that do happen and the memories they trigger and the reminders that come to surface in the midst of the mess. They are moments to recognize that messes can be cleaned up, kids are learning and in the end, Cheerios on the floor are still a part of my life. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
Even when they are scattered all over the floor.
Sometimes my life looks like it could be straight out of a book. It doesn't look much like a fairytale, but the storyline and characters fill my heart. They keep my hands busy too. I feel blessed that sometimes I do keep my cool and just take in the moment. I will wish this one back someday too. Teague went on to re-enact a few other pages out of this board book later on in our day. I just kept my cool. It was a good book day all-around. =)

It's going to be a major move...

Hello to so many new friends and readers coming here from Casey's blog. I am so encouraged and grateful for the notes you have sent me and how many of you have been touched by the story of Teagan that she shared with you. Thanks so much for stopping by and I hope that you know in "real life" we are a fairly typical family with lots of ordinary days and activities just like you. We are sometimes awed how God uses our shortcomings and failures and even trials and tough times to make Himself more known to us and others through us. We definitely lean on Him and look to Him for guidance and so far we have had quite a ride in life.
It's about to take us a bit west again...all the way "home" to Minnesota from our current home here in west Michigan. Chip was recently offered and just accepted a position at Northfield Golf Club, so we will be packing everything here and moving 8 of us and all that stuff to where the orange arrow is pointing. We are so excited to be moving closer to so many of our family and friends again, although we have made some wonderful friends and been very loved and supported here in Michigan. We will miss all our friends here, but we know that God is opening this door for us and we are anxious to see how life is going to look for us in a new place. All this will happen by Christmas, so let's just say we have a lot of work to do between now and then. I probably should be packing something right now! =)
Anyway, if any of you readers- old or new- are in the area, I just might have to have a real life Nitty.Gritty. chat session to see who you all are once everything gets settled and I find a couple of hours of free time. That would be so much fun! As you must know then, this blog may get even more quiet than normal, and if that's the case you'll know I am buried under bozes somewhere, or trying to empty them out. I love the idea of decluttering and starting fresh in a new home again...but honestly, I could very well do without the hassle of packing. Wish me luck. Wish all of us luck and I bet I will have a few good stories to share with you all soon!

Remembering scars as we face an unknown future...

None of us knows what the future holds. We can plan, we can prepare, we can take control of our finances and set aside time and energy for tasks we have to accomplish and we can set goals and pour all of our energy into reaching them and making them our reality. But the fact remains that none of us knows what the next moment, hour, day, week or year holds for us. Sometimes we are heading down one path when life suddenly takes us on a u-turn. Sometimes we feel like we have it planned out perfectly, and then life throws us the unexpected.

I have been thinking and praying for a young woman I've never met for a month now. October 1st, 2011 was the date that Samantha and her fiance, Chad, had chosen and dreamed and prepared for and been excited about for months. Tragically, less than 36 hours before their wedding day arrived, Chad along with Samantha's brother who was to be a groomsman in their wedding, were killed when the best man lost control of the SUV they were riding in and the vehicle crashed. I learned of this tragedy because Chip's golf club was to be the reception site for their wedding celebration. The families and communities were stunned and filled with sorrow at such a tragic event. I could only imagine how Samantha felt then, and now- one month later.

The dress that she so carefully selected and had fitted, I imagine just hung there bringing more tears as she looked at in light of her pain. Rather than be the dress of her dreams, it now represents shattered dreams and probably brings a flood of tears at a simple glance of it.

I have prayed and prayed for God to pour out His peace and comfort and mercy at this time when no person, no thing, no act can bring a comfort to her hurting heart and the hearts of the family and friends that surround her.

They are broken, grieving, scarred and hurting.

It got me thinking about the time in our lives when we too felt such sorrow, sadness and pain in our lives. I pulled out the above picture of Chip, which was taken about a week after our inital tragedy at the Old Depot- this was August 2001- the place was Hurley Hospital, Flint, Michigan. I had never seen Chip so wounded and scarred before. Just days earlier we were a happy, thriving family of 5 with a big, bright future ahead of us. We had no plans to be side-tracked by death, fractured ribs, brain injuries, internal trauma, muscle and nerve damage and hearts that would hold their own wounds from sorrow and loss.

Our life took a u-turn and we found ourselves in a world we never imagined or dreamed.

* * * * *

In my morning devotional today I read {and shared on my FB status} these words:

"It is God's presence that gives us true comfort, not the absence of affliction". There is such power and truth in that statement. Read it through once more, and let it sink in.

Do you believe that?

If you don't, do you believe that it could be true in your life somehow- sometime?

It can.

I am actually grateful to have the few photos that my mom snapped while we were "at our worst" physically and emotionally from our time in ICU. Seeing the pictures and scars and how tremendous our injuries were gives me a reality check. When I think back to this time in our lives I can still remember how much it "hurt". In every sense of the word. I have never felt more pain than during that time of our lives. But during those same long days and sleepless, painful nights and all the healing that had to take place to even be functional again, we both felt an overwhelming peace and comfort in our hearts that we had never experienced before. We never felt it when life was going splendid.

We felt it when our hearts and bodies were torn and we literally had our lives shattered by pain and grief.

God was there.

He never let us go.

In fact, He helped carry us when we had no strength of our own to keep us going. He held us together when we felt like falling apart and giving up. He poured out His mercy in our lives as we needed to draw on Him to be able to extend grace and forgiveness to the one who had brought us so much pain. He gave us Hope for our future and even laid it on my heart to want joy in life again.

I clicked through and pulled out a few pictures of how we look now. Our scars have healed quite nicely, with the exception of Wyndham's disabilities and ongoing needs. We have added 4 kids to our family since our tragedy struck. We have smiled and laughed again. We have known happiness, peace, comfort and joy.

But not because we had some supernatural abilities. But because of His power and strength that helped us move on. We have a future ahead of us that is filled with unknowns and unexpected events yet to come. I know that we can face them with peace and even with excitement, because we have seen the way God has already worked in our lives and we know that He will see us through whatever else may come our way.

I am so glad that God spared Chip's life and Brock's life and Wyndham's life and even my life, because through our scars and pain we have come to understand His healing powers that much more. We have learned firsthand that God doesn't abandon us when our hearts are torn and laid open with grief, but instead, that is the time when He gently picked us up and gave us new eyes to see Him and we felt His embrace like no other. His comfort was real then. I have faith and trust that it will be real as we walk forward too.

He is a God who loves, who protects, who turns mourning into dancing again.

My prayer is for this Samantha, to know this same grace, love, mercy and healing. And maybe one day she will look back or recall shattered, broken dreams- not with heartache and pain- but with the reality that God was big enough and gracious enough to turn it all into something beautiful that she never could have dreamed.

Maybe you are facing a future that scares you or maybe you are recalling a past filled with pain and "scars" of your own. My prayer for you is that you will call out to God and give your hurts and uncertainties to Him. He will never let you down and more likely than not, you will find that His plan blows you away. Our scars may always be with us to a certain degree...but our future is bright always. Because He is our eternity!