Friday, February 05, 2010
So not perfect.
I've had a rough week all week fighting a terrible cold and headaches too. Today is the first day that I felt I was functioning at about 90% capacity. It's no fun being so wiped out and still feel like you have demands that need to be met and no energy or desire to do anything.
I think I may have brought some of this sickness on myself because if I look back on last week I was in a downward spiral. It got so bad that at one point a conversation that Chip and I had turned into me raising my voice and saying things that I didn't mean as he and the kids were getting ready to head out the door for school. It wasn't a big fight or anything- more me being hormonal and having a pity-party about some of the ongoing issues we face each day of our lives- but by the time Chip was backing his SUV out of the driveway I was wishing I could start the whole morning over again.
Since I had no way of making that happen, I decided to drag my pity-party out a little bit longer. As I was sitting around for most of my morning I think that's when I started to let this nasty cold creep in. I just didn't know it yet. Anyway, I did finally reach that point where when I looked in the mirror I didn't like anything looking back at me. And that's when I knew I had a choice to make. While I couldn't start my day over or change some of the frustrating issues in our lives I did have the power to put a different spin on the way the day would turn out. I didn't want my kids to come home and just hear me say the words, "I'm sorry". I wanted them to know that I was really, truly sorry and give them a chance to "see it and taste" it too.
So I apologized to them with chocolate frosted brownies. I had the pan of brownies waiting on the table for their school snack when they came it. They could smell them as soon as they walked in and right away- rather than remembering my actions as they left the house, they were greeted with a new aroma and the mood felt different as soon as they came inside.
They were all very forgiving to me as I explained to them why we were having brownies and asked them for forgiveness. My outburst that morning was quickly a distant memory compared to the yummy treat in front of them.
I am so far from perfect it's not even funny or fun some days for me or anyone else. I am still a work in progress as I seek to be more loving, kind and Christ-like on this road to eternity that we're all on. I don't always fail in such big, obvious ways like I did with my meltdown last week, but there's not a day that passes in which I couldn't strive to be more.
It's sad and difficult to have to admit that I'm as a big a failure as I am sometimes. However, I am grateful that I am growing in humility and also that God gave me the grace and insight to take this experience and turn it into a teachable and hopefully memorable situation for my kids. I hope they learned that it's not okay to be so selfish and sorry for yourself that you say hurtful things to other people as a result. I hope they learned that it is okay to have a bad day, but more importantly it's better to try to salvage the day and make the most of it however you can. Even if it means you have to apologize in chocolate.
I am learning that I have a long way to go before I'm perfect. I am lucky to be surrounded by people that love me despite my flaws and shortcomings and who forgive me easily even when I don't deserve such a response from them. I am thankful for brownies and white chocolate chips that helped express my remorse.
As the kids finished their snack I said to them, "Maybe it wasn't so bad that I got mad and said things I didn't mean to say because we all got brownies treats out of the deal. Who thinks I should get mad more often?" To which one of my kids said, "How about next time instead of getting mad you just make brownies because you're happy?!"
I think that's a much, MUCH better idea and I am happy to oblige their request.