Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Time for a new outlook...
Bella just got glasses yesterday. Moments after the kids came home from school/therapy the girls had a short photoshoot. Wyndham wanted in on the action. She was all smiles for the camera and was hamming it up for the girls. She can be very animated at times- especially when she feeds off the silliness of the other kids.
These pictures make me realize something I need to remind myself of more and more these days. That is just how much my attitude and reactions to things affect how my kids and other people react around me. Life has been more than tough and 'draining' around here the past 6 months or more. It seems like I keep saying that, but it's the truth.
Teague is a very happy, content baby. But he takes really short naps during the day and still wakes at night. Being content can still make for a tired momma. =) Add to that our hyper-active Crew. When I say 'hyperactive' I seriously mean that. He rarely calms down from morning til night. He fights to keep up with the older siblings and often stays ahead of them, or literally climbs all over them- just because that's how he rolls. He doesn't have an off switch and can turn on the 'bad attitude switch' just by waking up in the morning. It's been extra challenging for both Chip and me- and then the other kids too- as none of our other kids have ever been so demanding and strong-willed. He has his mind made up about things and there's little we can do to snap him out of his dramatic behaviors no matter how many activities we come up with for him. We like to joke that he has "2 minutes of nice-ness in him each day so don't use it up too quickly and enjoy it while it lasts". But we're still trying to find ways to manage the day-to-day happenings around here and keep telling ourselves that this time in our lives won't last forever.
It only feels like it will.
The update on Wyndham came yesterday when she had an appointement with her orthopedic surgeon. She has been very tenative about bearing weight and trying to walk still. It's been over 5 months since her surgery and the truth about her recovery is that we're more than wishing she were further along in getting back to her 'old self'. We weren't ever told to expect that it would take this long to get her mobile again. After her doctor visit yesterday we were told it could take up to about a year for her to have her full strength and mobility back. So I guess she is well on her way. She will be fitted for another set of AFO's and hopefully this next pair will give her more confidence and ease with getting on her feet again. She's definitely got her personality back most days. So that is a good thing.
I'll admit it right here- since I always like to keep it honest and real around here- I'm the one that feels like a failure most of the time and I'm ready to give up most days before I even finish my first cup of coffee. I feel like no matter how hard I try to see the good in the bad, or to bring happiness out of difficulties, or to trust that God is doing something that we can't see, that it just doesn't seem like it matters. In my heart I know it does and I understand that there are times in our lives that fighting for something is the only way to make it happen. But making healthy meals and staying on top of laundry and repeatedly getting Crew out of trouble and staying on top of homework and offering stimulating activities for Wyndham in her limited ability state and so much more seems to be taking its toll on me. I feel like I'm no longer able (and growing less willing) to keep up with the demands. I feel like each day I fall short and in so doing I 'lose a part of me' and go into the next day with less confidence and abilities. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually I feel like I am failing myself- and then failing everyone around me as a result.
There's still a part of me that says "don't throw in the towel quite yet". I have to say that Chip is a fighter too and he keeps saying we need to just hang in there and he definitely is the glue making our lives work much of the time. God seems awfully quiet even though I keep reading the Bible, have daily quiet times and devotions, and listen to praise and worship music. I'd love for my heart to feel the contentness that I've so often experienced in the past. I really truly want to find my way back to a positive, joyful me. I'm stumbling right now on my way and you know, I would love and appreciate any prayers that you guys have to offer up for me. All is not lost, but many of you know life can be tough for so many reasons.
I'm hanging on and thanking God when there are smiles to capture in pictures and praying that He will bring more peace and happiness to our hearts and home. The journey is still winding and twisting, but I want to believe that it is beautiful and worth all the struggles in the end. I think it's more than time for me to embrace a new outlook on life. I think I'm ready too.