The 'pain of letting go'...

I have felt it all too 'real' in my life- the ultimate pain of 'letting a loved one go'. It is something that tugs at my heart everyday since Teagan's death. I had no idea how much this same feeling- this sense of giving up and moving on and realizing that change is inevitable would grip my heart just because school is about to begin. But that's what my heart is feeling. I know that the start of a school year and sending kids off to kindergarten and third grade does not begin to compare to the depth and nature of death, but still, there are a lot of memories flooding my mind as the summer draws to a close and the school year begins.
I so clearly remember some of the conversations I had with Teagan just days before she died unexpectedly- she was just weeks away from starting preschool for the first time. I wasn't ready for that to happen- she was my oldest (age 4) of three kids at that time...and I was fearing having to 'give her up' and share her time elsewhere. I remember thinking I wish I could just stop time and hold her forever. Little did I know that I would wish that same wish every night for months to come. My heart ached constantly and wanted her back...I missed everything about her- even saying her name. I still do. And sometimes I whisper her name throughout the day...just because it makes me smile.
There is something so strong, so unspeakable about the love of a mother and her children, and in today's world where there is often so much uncertainty and unexpected circumstances that can arise, that it is a wonder any mom's {and dad's too!} send their kids anywhere. Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled with the school my kids are attending, and I wouldn't send them somewhere I didn't know and trust them to go, but there is a part of a mother's heart that just wants to hold on forever. Especially when I've already let go once...I understand the reality of life and how quickly the days are fleeting and I know that my kids won't be 'mine' forever.
I am excited that they are about to start a new phase in their lives. I can't hardly believe that Wyndham is going to kindergarten and I am anxious to see what she will prove to us she can do with this next challenge.
Like one of our best friend's says, "Sometimes I wish I could just flip to the end of the story of your lives...cause I just can't imagine how it's going to turn out." I feel the same way at times. Except for moments like these...as I sit on the edge of the next phase...and a part of my heart just wants to lay the book down and savor this chapter for as long as I can.
I know there is more...more adventure, more fulfilment, more learning, more joy, more challenges, and more grace for the journey. But that means this moment has to turn into a memory. A piece of our history. I know full well that means I have to let go...time moves on. You might not know it from the looks of it on this blog, but I am a bit "old-fashioned" and I LOVE my kids and the messes they make and the songs we sing and I enjoy washing their clothes and helping them get breakfast and lunch and dinner, and going outside and reading books and...
Now I have to share them with someone else for a good portion of their week. I wish I weren't so selfish. I know I've got some growing to do of my own.
I have a feeling that I'm going to be whispering more names during the course of my days in the next few weeks. Don't call me crazy. I have a feeling a lot of you might be doing the same. You know what I'm talking about...and it's okay. It's all part of letting go.