Music and lyrics...{not the movie this time} =)

As you know, July is my deeply reflective month, and this year it has hit me off and on as in years past. Especially so when Wyndham struggles with things- like being sick for a few days and getting her shot each night and just the things we still do for her that a 'normal 6 year old' would be doing independently. It's those moments when life hits me hardest. NOT that I would trade having Wyndham in my life...not that I can't handle her challenges...not that they haven't been some of the very things that help 'pull me through' at times. They just are. They are reminders and at the same time, they are reason enough for me to know see that God has His hand in everything that happens in our lives- good and bad.
So when a song played on the radio the other day I got home and I just felt like I had to find the lyrics. It was one of those songs I just felt the words 'speaking to me'. I am learning that often times that is God's way of speaking to me- through music and song.
I came upon not only the lyrics to this song [By Your Side by Jamie Slocum] but some thoughts shared by the artist as well. What he was saying resonated so clearly with some of the very thoughts and questions I experienced in my own life just days and months after Teagan's death and as I struggled with trying to adapt to all of our injuries and with the emotional trauma that I was dealing with everyday. The 'trauma' part has turned from 'drama' in our lives into more of acceptance and routine. It has been and, as I am finding, sometimes still is a part of life...but it doesn't affect us deeply as it once did.
I am grateful everday that God continues to walk with Chip and me and our family...that He shows Himself to us when we have moments of hurt and doubt and that He clearly has blessed us in so many ways. Even with pain and heartache, we are finding that the good outweighs the bad; that there is a plan and a purpose for everything. I don't necessarily know what that is or where it will lead...but I know that God can be trusted. I know that He is good...all the time.
Here then, are the thoughts and lyrics from the artist of the song that spoke to me. Maybe they will speak to some of you, in some way as well. Just my thoughts on a Monday...when life is 'normal'...and to me it's the most beautiful thing.
Jamie Slocum-
I think "It was one of those days, you know?, when all the possibilities, good and bad, come rushing in on you, and you begin to feel the weight of the unknown. For a moment it was overwhelming, reflecting on the ups and downs of life, the inconsistency in my walk with God and those I love. Then, suddenly, I was overwhelmed by this one thought-that regardless of whatever I didn't know, there was one thing that remained constant and true, that no matter what happens-trials, success, failure-I know where my home is, my heart knows my home is with God."
By Your Side-
And I know there’s a plan for you
Your life has a purpose
There’s hope beyond your broken road
Jesus set a place for you
At the front of the table
with the weary and the wounded
And He’s showing the way, the truth, the life
for every day
So when you lose your way
Don’t give up, don’t give in
This is a race that you can win
Every time you get passed by
There is a reason why
God loves and believes in you
He knows the pain that you’re going through
He’s with you every step of the way
And He’s by your side
When your life comes crashing in
You’re a ship without a sail
Everything you’ve tried has failed you
Never thought you’d feel so sad
It’s a nightmare without end
It's getting harder to defend it
God will send his heavenly host to fight for you
and help you walk on through it
Don’t give up, don’t give in
This is a race that you can win
Every time you get passed by
There is a reason why
God loves and believes in you
He knows the pain that you’re going through
He’s with you every step of the way
And He’s by your side
By your side every day every night
Don’t give up, don’t give in
This is a race that you can win
Every time you get passed by
And you’ve lost your way

All is calm; all is bright.

I'm getting choked up as I type this post. At 1:00 pm today there was a very real 'threat of a trip to the ER' looming in my heart and mind as Wyndham was getting more sick today- rather than better. I was preparing myself for what I expected would be yet another overnight stay at the hospital for IV fluids and getting her stomach settled down.
It has happened to Wyndham so many times- that she gets the same sickness that the other kids get, but because of the way her brain injury has affected her immune system and her extra sensative stomach and inability to swallow clear liquids well- that same sickness lands her in the ER and most often admitted to the hospital for a day or two. It's no fun...but it's sort of become the expected outcome whenever she gets sick.
I was trying to keep her resting and comfortable with a Tom & Jerry dvd playing right next to her- it's one of her favorites and she picked it over March of the Penguins twice. Chip and I have been getting shorted on our sleep for the past few nights, and I woke up, surprisingly not as worn out as I had thought I would feel. SO after getting Wyndham settled and giving the other kids breakfast on the deck, I went to tidy my scrap area. I was feeling almost sorry for myself and the string of 'bad luck' I have- especially on such a supposedly 'lucky day'. {07-07-07}
Rather than get mad at something out of my control, I noticed the little owl doodles I had drawn and they made me smile. I'm not sure what it is about owls- I just think they're cute. I pulled out a piece of felt and cut the general shape. Then I snipped another piece and in about 15 seconds I had pretty much created a little owl...not having a clue what I was going to do with it.
Just about that time Bella came upstairs and saw me and then she commened on my cute owl. I pulled out a piece of paper to set it down on while I planned on looking for thread to sew an outline for it...and well, one thing led to another, and about 10 minutes later I had the start of the layout you see pictured here. I have no idea what I am doing with it or on it...but all I know is that in 10 minutes time, I more or less had gone from feeling sorry about my life, to feeling much more okay.
I was smiling at my little owl, and Bella was helping me sort through some scrap stuff. {I'm still looking for my SIS black jewels...somewhere in my piles of stuff!} =) The day continued...I left my scrap stuff lay out, and between making lunch and tending Wyndham and doing laundry and filling the pool and watching the kids splash and play, I kept thinking, life is okay. It was a beautiful day outside today...and still. It feels perfect.
I had the chance to make dinner for my neighbor who is recently expecting and {tired!} has 2 other small children and brought it over with some cookies...and I think I made her day. She had no idea I was planning for a trip overnight to the hospital.
After about 8 hours of Tom & Jerry (Wyndham is the one who kept restarting the dvd in between short naps), and FINALLY a few sips of fluid staying down- Wyndham turned the corner. I sat her up to take a picture of what it's like to be her...and her view of life for the past 36 hours. When I finished, she looked up at me and grinned. I snapped that too! I realized I wouldn't be going to the ER afterall...I was probably smiling bigger than her. =)
Chip got home and we all played outdoors and watered my flowers and just hung out. Wyndham even ate a bit of watermelon {it's her absolute favorite food!} and she had some dry KIX cereal too. I just got her out of a bubble bath...she smells like Hazlenut truffles and is snuggled up with Chip watching the History channel.
As I type, I am sitting out on my deck, listening only to the clicks of my keyboard and the rustling of the trees from the summer breeze. The best kind- cool, yet a bit warm and definitely enough to keep any bugs away that might otherwise be bothering me. Yes. I had my doubts. I was tired and worn...no it hasn't been an easy past 3 days.
But I look back and see all the really sweet things that my kids said and did...and all the snuggling they normally try to brush off so quickly because of all the exciting things they'd rather see and do. I have an owl scrap-thing going on- that no matter what comes of it- made me happy in the midst of a trying day. I saw the smile on my neighbor's face as a small gesture of kindness on my part eased her life in a small way...and we were both better for that. I feel nothing but gratefulness to God for restoring Wyndham's health before we had to take a trip to the hospital. I feel nothing but peace and calm in my life at this very moment. Nothing big or earth-shattering going on.
Still, it is the most amazing sense of inner peace and it feels incredible. Turns out 07-07-07 has been a very good day for us indeed. Thank you, to all of you, who were wishing good thoughts and caring for us from afar. I have no doubt that those prayers and well-wishes helped secure this perfect ending to our rough day. I wish I could bottle this moment up and save it for the next time. Which I hope I don't need for quite awhile. =)

Rx...Love and inspiration.

Brock had a fever and wasn't feeling well on Saturday night & Sunday. He perked up and we all had a good 4th of July. This is one of the casual pics I had Chip take of us...in the middle of chips and salsa snack. Brock is eating; my glasses have too much glare, but still, it's the memory behind the photos that means more to me most of the time. So I add this to some of the rest of my favorites.

Yesterday (VERY early am...ie 2:30 or so) Bella woke us up with a fever. She tossed in bed next to me until the Tylenol kicked in and she wore herself out...at about 5:30am. At not quite 8:00am, she sat up and said to me, "Mommy! Your magic worked and I'm all better now!" She thought she was just gonna take on the day, but within the half hour, her mood took a turn and her fever was back. At just about that time, Ava awoke....with red cheeks and just not looking her perky, adorable self. Yep. Fever.

So, between the two of them and a scrap page that needed to get done, I thought I was doing fairly well. Ava had fallen asleep (which never happens in my house...my kids never napped hardly after age 2- except for Wyndham) and was resting right by me as I scrapped, when she suddenly awoke with a 'sick tummy'. Basically for the rest of my day I was monitoring liquids and keep everyone hydrated, dosed up every 4 hours on Motrin or Tylenol, giving baths and just trying to keep dvd's playing. Not as easy as it sounds. Especially since I was short on sleep myself.

Later on in the evening, Brock and I were invited to dessert at some friend's- to meet a special family as well. We had a nice couple of hours with our new friends, and then we went to get groceries.

Brock and I discovered a new favorite snack- Cereal Straws- particularly the chocolate ones. Yum! I like them better 'dry'...but Brock likes them both ways. Nothing like sharing a little chocolatey snack at 11:30 pm after a long day around the house. I was just ready to hit the sack...when Chip carried Wyndham into our room and yep, you guessed it, she was red-cheeked and had a 101 fever. Not a happy little girl waking up to that at midnight.

Chip and I 'split the shift' with her, and now this morning we have 3 girls running lowgrade fevers and I have lots of laundry to do.

Please do not drop in unannounced at my house today. Unless you are toting Starbucks. =) I am out of coffee grounds and didn't get my coffee today. I could definitely use it, and since I am out, I am compensating by: 1) Taking a {short} hot shower and 2)posting this ute little owl card that I found online.

I just gotta see the silver lining in days like this. Wyndham still signed 'I love you" to me when I signed it to her. It almost broke my heart....that she still expressed her love when she was feeling so tired and lousy at 2:36 am this morning. And Ava told me "I love you, Momma" first thing when she saw me, and then added, "I need more medicine". Bella is trying to feel better, and she even 'drew me a big heart and wrote MOM' in the pink bathroom plush rug in front of the sink for me when I got out of my shower. Brock says I'm the best Mom ever, and pick the best cereal snacks.

So between the owls and all the love around here, I figure I've got the best prescription for days like this. Love and Inspiration. And my flowers are in full bloom today. I am hanging in there...I realize life could be much worse. Happy Friday to all of the healthy people reading this today...and best of luck, love and finding happiness in the midst of gloom to others of you. If I ould write you a prescription...it would be for love and inspiration today. Just pretend I sent you this little owl card. =)

What to do...

I take so many photos that it's almost overwhelming when I get new scrap suppies for me to decide what I'm going to scrap next. Those top three pictures of Brock just make me smile...he was just being 'so himself' as he ate his icecream cone and goofed off in front of his friend. When I heard the name of the collection this month at SIS was Shabby Rockstar I just knew I wanted to scrap something for Brock.
He is such a one-of-a-kind kid, and I know that all kids are. But I am trying to make sure HE knows it all his life. I want him to know {and my girls too!} that they don't have to grow up and be "rock stars" (in fact one of my wishes is that they won't!) to be considered amazing in this world.
The fact is they are already each amazing to me in their own rights, and as long as they keep staying true to who they are, then I think they are all headed for great things. And by great I mean, the character qualities that we, their families and friends and teachers, see in them already. The love, the goodness, the fun and the thoughtfulness. Granted, these things comes and go, at the most interesting times and over the smallest things...like who gets to drink out of which sippy cup-there is a lot of drama involved with major events like that!
But more often than not, I see so much potential in all my kids, that I still put my head down on my pillow at night and wondered how I got picked to be their mom. It's a really wonderful thing. So I scrapped Brock a page {here}- hoping that he will not lose sight, or succumb to the wrong messages about himself that this world is sure to send him as he grows up. I love that he is kind-hearted and isn't afraid to show the 'real Brock' to those of us who are lucky to be around him from day to day.
Yesterday we enjoyed the afternoon playing outside and grilling with some friends. I make a point of trying to get a family photo each 4th of July, as it was the last time we had a family picture with Teagan. I like that I can look back and compare and see how we are growing and changing and it's just a good chance to get a picture...sometimes the next one doesn't come until Christmas! =)
Our hearts do ache for Teagan when we have special days without her. But then I remind myself that I was lucky. VERY lucky to have even had her in my life at all.

Happy Birthday, America!

Thank you, to all of America's service personnel and their families...for protecting and serving the rest of us in this free nation.
Special thoughts and prayers to you and your loved ones on this day, and to all the families of those who have lost loved ones along the way.
I feel fortunate and privileged to live in such an amazing place in this world. The opportunities abound.
Happy 4th of July to each of you. Enjoy a safe and wonderful day!

Compensating.

Sometimes that's the best way in life...making up for wrongs with good things in life has become one of my specialties ever since Teagan's death in July 2001. I am beginning to recognize that the month of July- simply because it's July, the very month that marks the annivesary of so much change in life for my family- is a 'trigger' for me. A trigger of memories, and of raw emotions, and thoughts of 'I wonder' or 'what if'. There is nothing I can change, and I understand that full well. There is nothing I could have done differently, and I accept that too. There is no reason to believe I am regressing or having issues of denial about life and circumstances at this point. It's just my feelings and they are very real.
I've been accused of 'not sharing the bad stuff' of life often enough here at my blog. And although I am not writing this to defend or explain my behavior, I just have to spill it here. Just to get it out. Because that's how I deal best with emotions and stuff that starts to well up inside. I also compensate. A lot.
Maybe it's not the best way of dealing with things, but I have found- that for nearly 6 years now- it yields the 'best results'. Happiness and joy. And I have been on a journey of finding that and embracing that as much as I can- however that may be.
The past couple of days I have just had a 'sense of sadness' inside. There used to be days where things didn't even seem real to me...it was like I was living in a bad dream. Then once the reality began to sink it, there was a lot of anger, bitterness and hurt. I hated that part of my journey of grief most of all. It hurt me and others and just made life miserable. I thank God all the time that He pulled me up and out of that. He used people in my life praying and doing whatever they could do share the burdens that were so suddenly thrust upon Chip and me. God gave me words of comfort from the Bible....and Hope of Heaven for all eternity. He gave Chip and me peace...and there is no way we could have done that in life on our own.
But in the meantime, I have to admit, there still are days where, even if the sun is shining and everything looks so well on the outside, inside there are grey skies and teardrops. These sorts of days are the ones in which I have learned I need to compensate...and seek Joy even more than usual.
Sunday I needed something...and didn't even have the strength to 'create that joy' in my own kitchen like I often like to do. But I still managed to 'create joy' in the form of store-bought chocolate drizzled cupcakes. We grilled out on our deck and had cupcakes (Brock was at a friend's house) and I just tried to savor the moments. I recognize and know that I am so blessed in life. The smiles and grins on my girls can lift my mood no matter how far I allow myself to sink...and it was no different this time around.
Yesterday there wasn't anything 'big'. But when I strung lots of little stuff through my day, I felt like I had accomplished much by bedtime. There was a short trip to the park after I left Wyndham at therapy. Brock, Bella and Ava had fun- climbing, swinging, sliding, getting sand in their shoes. You should have heard the four of us laugh as I spun us as fast as I could make the merry-go-round go. After picking Wyndham up, there was time for riding trikes, blowing bubbles and just playing outside. We topped the day off with caramel chocolate-covered pretzel icecream cones. Bella says it's her new favorite flavor. =)
Still, there was just this feeling that lingers. It was late. Late last night. I knew I wouldn't sleep well- even if I tried. So I shared a small piece of my soul with my new group of best friend SISters on our message board. I cried while I typed it out...but knew that those tears had to fall or they would eat me up inside.
Today was a new day. Some of that feeling was there first thing when I awoke...but was soon tempered by the hugs and smiles of all my kids. I just love all the kisses I get/give in the morning. It's probably my favorite part of the day. Still, there was another trip to therapy for Wyndham, and that was just another reminder of how my life continues to be affected by events that happened several years ago now.
When I came back home from picking her up, there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting at my doorstep. From one of my Fashionista sisters {Thanks, KL...your thoughtfulness has touched me deeply through this gesture of care}, who simply responded to my words. My tears. My pain made her do something beautiful for me. It's so unexpected....the goodness and beauty and joy, that comes from the depths of hurt and pain. Yet I have seen it and been on the receiving end of it too many times to deny that it exists.
True beauty and joy and goodness is out there. Just waiting to be shared or given or unveiled...or sometimes bought- as in the case of some chocolate-drizzled cupcakes. I don't know that I deserve to be on this side of it as often as it comes my way. But I know that it is real...and I know that everyone in life deserves this sort of thing. Even if you are simply trying to compensate for pain.

Feeling sentimental...

This is the first wedding picture that I've scrapped {as well as the first time I've used Hambly transparencies on a page...very fun!} and I have a feeling it won't be the last. In fact I may just have to do a whole wedding album...after nearly 12 years of marrige-it's about time. Don't you agree?!
I loved all the new stuff that came in my SIS Shabby Rockstar Collection this month. I keep thanking my lucky stars that I get to be a part of such an amazing, talented, humorous, supportive, creative & incredible group of women. If you Fashionistas are reading this...I'm giving you some Nitty.Gritty. loving here today. I can't believe I get to meet most of you later on this month...I am sooo excited about that! I had a chance to play with some of my latest scrap supplies and of course, if you want to see the full layout, you can click over to my gallery here. It was a big file, so I decided to just post portions of it on my blog. But you are always welcome to visit my pages over at the SIS website.
For our collection layouts some of us took inspiration from music we loved in years past...or by pulling great lyrics of rock music- to tie in with the 'Shabby Rockstar' theme. I didn't have a favorite hit when I was a girl, so I just looked at some of my favorite wedding photos and when I came upon this one the first song that popped into my mind was, "I'd stop the world and melt with you" by Modern English. {Which, by the way, I had to google to find out their name...just thought I'd share with you my lack of pop/rock music knowledge.}
Basically, that's where the journaling came from for this page...with a few added thoughts. I used numerals {2 for 'to' and 1} instead of spelling them out, because to me it signifies what marriage is ordained to be. Literally two becoming one. I am thankful that Chip and I have such an solid marriage that sometimes we literally think the same thing, or we can give each other 'a look' rather than saying anything at all. I appreciate, though, that we have such unique personalities and gifts and abilities...and we are getting better about allowing each other space and time to nuture those gifts- including the time he gives me to scrapbook and design stuff.
Looking at this picture takes on such different meaning to me now, after years of marriage, than it did in the days and weeks after it was first taken. Our future was unknown, and we were young and hopeful and dreaming big things for our lives. We had no clue that the road ahead was going to take us to places we didn't dream.
I am reflective today as we mark the start of another month of July. My mind is especially sentimental and in tune with hopes and dreams and expectations and changes, and it just means that I am truly thankful- to the very depths of me, to have Chip at my side. Not only now...but for everyday since that first kiss which signified the start of our lives together- as One.

Time, love and tenderness...

This post has nothing to do with Michael Bolton....that title just seemed fitting while I sat here waiting for the pictures to upload. I'm not really into musical reviews. Although I suppose I could do that...and show you w good look at who I am- musically speaking. =)
I've had a busy week...and can't believe I missed a few days of blogging. My mom is probably going through Nitty.Gritty. withdrawal, while the rest of you are just getting caught up from Father's Day and didn't even notice I was gone!
These pictures are a few more from our family day at Meijer Gardens. I was happy to catch the kids having fun and so into what they were doing that they didn't even notice me taking their photos. In the bottom photo they are all making silly putty strawberry pies...much like 'grandma' used to make. =) Not my grandmas...they were both expert pie makers...and I still love Grandma's pie at Thanksgiving.
I found, as I went about my tasks and activities this week, that priorities had to shift and my schedule was full where it normally has some down-time, and I'm not as a good a juggler as life demands sometimes.
Brock had lacrosse camp; in addition to therapy Wyndham had a field trip to a Whitecaps game; I 'crafted' with my girls, I helped with a church garage sale, and also my Shabby Rockstar Collection goodies arrived for me to play and create layouts from SIS tv. That was all on top of the usual 2 loads of laundry a day, chalk drawing on the driveway, baking zucchini bread, and other fun stuff. =)
While driving to pick one of the kids up, I heard a message on the radio and one of the quotes jumped out at me. It's fairly simple, but sums up so much. It simply went like this:
"The greatest thing in all the world is Love.
The greatest way to express your Love is through Time.
The greatest Time to express your Love is now."
I just wanted to share it with you, since it really meant a lot to me...and many of you that read Nitty.Gritty. mean so much to me. I was feeling badly that I couldn't share more time here. So I am making up for it by saying how much I appreciate the love and support and new friendships and encouragement that I get from so many of you every single week.
I have been blessed to know that there are many people who understand this concept...that Love IS the most wonderful thing. That Time IS precious and says more about how much we love than our actions do oftentimes. That even when I have nothing to say- whether I am too busy, too up, too down, too reflective, too introspective, too off-the-wall, too all-over-the-place...that you are willing to wait it out and you keep coming back for more.
Even if you're not my Mom.
=)

Frederick Meijer Sculpture Garden Part 1-

Sunday, after church, we took our family to the Frederick Meijer Gardens in Grand Rapids. It was a gorgeous summer afternoon. The kids were actually pleasant, as compared to some outings we've taken them on. =) Brock was thoughtful and soaked up the 'facts' at every little turn...and the girls were really into the 'hands-on' aspects of so many of the sights and attractions. The theme is the "History of Chocolate", which follows the cocoa bean from it's origin to it's end product...any type of chocolate you can think of. It was really a fun time for all of us. We had lunch outdoors on the patio, we walked all over the gardens, and got a piece of Dove chocolate on our way out. I had dark chocolate, in case any of you wondered, but also a bite of the caramel center one too! =)
I've got more pictures and can share more thoughts with you, stay tuned. =)

Creating...

I have had a huge empty wall in my living room ever since we moved into this house over 3 years ago. How terrible is that! I kicked around several ideas, and others I simply dismissed because my kids climb on the back of the couch all the time...and I figured it would spell trouble to hang certain things where they would just get knocked down.
Whether I have determined they're more grown up now, that this particular design is childproof, or that I just got sick and tired of that bare wall, I'm not entirely sure. But today was the day. I had bookmarked this blog a couple of months ago when I saw this idea. I love the random look of the circles, and I have really been getting more and more into patterns and fabrics and so this just seemed to be the perfect combination for me to play around with in my own home. I am no interior designer, and really, I'm not sure that I even pulled this off very well, but it does look better than the previous bare wall. In person it's even better and brighter than these pics- each of the fabrics has a print- even though a few of them look solid here.
I'm sure my mom will be proud that I 'designed on a dime'...she's the queen of that! Our styles may differ, but I can still appreciate decorating for a steal. This entire ensemble cost under $20! I've got lots of fabric leftover...which I think will make cute aprons and other projects!
Funny how something that took less than two hours of design time took me three years to actually pull off. There's a reason I'm not an interior designer. I'd never get a house all decorated before it would be time to start updating.
For my next project, I was lucky to get a box of scrap goodies that contains the ScrapInStyle Shabby Rock Star Collection! That was happy mail today, for sure...lots of fun stuff...and lots of inspiration for me to work with. And it won't take me three years to complete a project out of these items. I'm gonna scrap tonight!

Motorcycles and mini-golf

First, I have to share a picture of me and Chip that I like that was taken last week. I am proud of the way he has dropped some weight and how he has managed to get in better shape the past several months. It's never an easy thing to deal with weight issues- whether over or under or just wanting to get to or maintain a certain weight. It's easy to tell someone that you love them no matter what weight they are...but it is difficult to support all the changes and strength it takes to actually follow through with the real-life issues from day to day in regards to food/health. I am proud that Chip has pushed himself and I hope he knows I am proud of his efforts. I hope we both keep striving for ways to become better people- no matter what issue/struggle is at hand.

The other pictures are just a few fun ones...me on the Harley of Grand Haven's teaching pro, Scott. He had mentioned he had a bike and I mentioned I'd love a ride. It was fun- even if we rode only a few miles. I'd love a Harley- it's just not practical for toting 4 kids from place to place. =) Chip and I also managed to take all of our kids mini-golfing last week too. We lucked out and got $2.50 Tuesday tickets...the kids had a fun time, and Chip and I were glad we hadn't shelled out full-price! We would have gladly played 9 holes instead of 18...but I think the kids made some fun memories while we were there. Summer is in full swing around here. And I'm getting worn out already!

In the mail...

I got some 'good mail' this week. =) One was a full-page invitation to Jaymun Kaat's and brother, Ben's birthday celebration in just a few weeks. I am so happy for their family and the difference a year has made in their lives. Some of you may remember that Jaymun was diagnosed with cancer at birth. He underwent a bone marrow transplant as his brother, Devon was a perfect match. Some of you sent cards and gifts to them in the hospital. Many of you prayed. I am happy to report that Jaymun will celebrate turning one, and I'm sure the whole Kaat family will celebrate the fact that they have gotten through some real trials and hardships together. I wish for them continued blessings and joy in life. Even in the struggles that come our way at times. Happy {early} birthdays, Ben and Jaymun!
I also received a little package from a reader here, {Hi Lisa!} who after emailing me about sending me a piece of her jewelry whipped up this special Nitty.Gritty. necklace for me. I love it! You know I love mail, and little goodie packages are among my favorite pieces of mail. I just had to share these pictures that I snapped, but I also want to tell you that Lisa has some really beautiful and unique pieces of jewelry in her collection. I'm sure she would love for any of you interested in her work to stop by her blog and there you will find pictures and a link to her items available. In addition, she has a unique story and a wonderful family that is worth stopping by when you get a minute or two. If you stop by her blog, I hope you'll leave her a comment and tell her "Nitty.Gritty. told you to say hi!". =)
I just love the connections/friendships/stories/fun stuff I have found through blogging. It really is amazing to me how many people I have been forunate to 'come in contact with' all through something as simple as a blog.
I have lots of unanswered emails that I hope to keep plugging away with in responding to...I read all my mail and appreciate the way so many of you pour your heart and concerns out to me. I find myself thinking of many of you as I go about my busy, summer days...and I hope that you feel these thoughts and prayers- often from long-distance. Just wanted to share my happy mail with you...and I'm watching my mailbox for the next SIStv Collection to make its appearance soon! Funny. Mail can be so simple...yet it can make someone's day! Hope you get some good mail coming your way too!

Gifts from Dad

On Sunday when I sat down to write a blogpost for Father's Day, I had a few nice words to say and a mix of pictures-old and new- of my kids with their dad. But as I started writing I realized I would either write at great length and risk scattering my thoughts all over, or I could break it down bit by bit, and that is what has transpired here all week long.

I have taken the opportunity to 'highlight' each one of our children in the spotlight with their dad, and today is no different, with the exception of the last two pictures.

Ava is our youngest daughter, and she has been more of a mama's girl in all of her 3 years of life...but she does have a soft spot for Chip, and it continues to grow and grow. I've watched it blossom in the last several months, and now she is one of the first to give him hugs and kisses as he comes and goes in our home. They have a special relationship, and one of my favorite things about it is how, even after 3 girls, there is still a newness or freshness about the way Chip interacts with Ava. I know it's true with all kids...but it's still fun to see it in real life.

I was thinking about how each child has the ability to almost 'glean' what they need/desire most from Chip. With Bella it is all the loving and hugging. With Brock it is affirmation and encouragement. With Wyndham it is optimism and support. With Ava it seems to be individual attention...and she is at her best with Chip when she gets that from him. =)

One of my favorite things about Chip and Ava was the nickname that came about from him for her. Daddy calls her 'Chi-chi'. It happened almost accidentally...he started telling her during times of hugs and kisses that she was so cute...that she was just a little 'chi-chi'. Only a few days of this took place before Bella called Ava, 'Chi-chi'. I asked why she was calling her chi-chi, and she said, "That's her name; Daddy calls her that". And ever since the name has stuck...Ava is often called "Chi-chi" around our house. Especially when she's being cute.

Those little things are what really hit me as I sat down to blog on Father's Day. Our dads have such 'power and influence' and the ability to make us feel loved and secure. They can lift us up and make us believe we can do the impossible. But they also have the ability to do the opposite. Just as all people in our lives can do...but at this point in my life- with small children growing up under my care- it is most often their dad and me that are shaping them and their beliefs about themselves. It's an awesome and overwhelming responsibility and can be scary if I think of how many times in one day it happens that I can either lift them up or tear them down. Or simply do neither and not care at all.

I know I am not exaggerating these 'powers', and have been encouraged- especially through Wyndham's doctors and therapists, that the way we parent and love and challenge and respond does have a lot to do with a child's growth and development. That is why I felt I had so much to say on this topic. I know how much I rely on Chip for his part in raising our kids, and I know they are counting on him and appreciate his efforts everyday. I love that he brings such different aspects to our relationship as a couple...and most of them compliment me or fill in the gaps where I fall short. And believe me, there are lots of 'gaps' in my abilities!

I have felt my heart ache for people I know who grew up without a dad in their life, or for people I know who weren't fortunate to have their individual needs met by a father figure. I understand that it leads to great trials and life-long hurts for some- simply because someone failed them along the way. It's not fair, and I realize I am so fortunate to have been surrounded by great men in my life...my own dad, my husband, my brothers, and the men in my husband's family too. Not to mention all the amazing uncles and grandpa's and friends who are of upstanding character and have had wonderful relationships with me and my family. I am truly blessed in that regard.

It made me think of the gifts I have been given in life through the years. Not items and tangiable 'stuff', but gifts that have been given that can't be bought or sold. I have mentioned some that I think are so important in the lives of kids- especially from their dads; gifts such as time and attention. Gifts such as love and discipline. Gifts that kids don't always appreciate, but they can make all the difference in the world when it comes down to it.

My hubby would tell you that it's no surprise that I have the little note pictured above...he thinks I save everything. I do save a lot of stuff- especially written stuff- cards, journals, notes. But this one has a special place. I keep it tucked in a little drawer in my jewelry box. Set apart from the rest of my 'pack-rat' stash of papers and sentimental items.

It has no date on it- but I can tell you that I got it when I was in 10th or 11th grade. I've kept it for about 18 years or so. It's one of the few things {maybe the only thing...truthfully, I'd have to look through boxes of my stash to be certain =)} that I have that is hand-written by my dad. Not that my dad never writes anything. He does. He writes sermon notes and checks and other important things...but nothing that really comes across 'my desk' very often. This little note says, "Jody- Thanks for cleaning the house on Sat. Love Dad P.S. Thanks for being a great daughter."

I'm sure he has no recollection of even writing this little note, nor would he think I still have it tucked away as one of my prized 'treasures' in my jewelry box. I probably told him 'thanks for the note'...or hardly acknowledged that he'd given it to me at the time. I was sort of hard-hearted as a teen toward my parents...and it makes me both happy and sad as I think about it now. I am sorry that I had an attitude toward them and life in general. But I am thankful that my Dad (and Mom too) made efforts to 'keep me on the right track' and to encourage me even in small ways- such as this note.

And obviously, it DID mean a great deal to me and I appreciated their care and love and concern- even if I acted as though it didn't matter. At this point in time I can tell you that my relationship with my parents is one of the best 'gifts' I have in this world. I don't see them often enough, as they live in Minnesota and I am in Michigan...but the distance between us doesn't affect the love and care we share. I have called on my dad at all times of the day, and he is available to me every time I need him. I have needed advice and prayers or simply know that he will cry for me or laugh with me. {The same goes for my mom...I'm just pointing out my dad here.}

When I think of all the things I have needed or expected or simply been given from my dad, I realize the list is practically endless. I couldn't be more grateful to my dad- for his wisdom, his insights, his love and devotion to me and all his family through the years. It really is priceless.

And now I have the good fortune of seeing similar 'gifts' being poured out to my own kids from their dad. My heart wells up with thanks.

I know that there are people in this world who could be jealous of such relationships and gifts that I have in my life. And there is much truth to that- I have done nothing to deserve such the great men in my life. I understand this...and really want to make a special point of saying that I have hurt for some of you- to the point of praying for you and asking for grace and mercy in your heart- that you might be comforted and that the voids that exist in your hearts from broken relationships with dads/men in your life might be filled. By the only One I know who is perfect- the Heavenly Father who created us, knows us, loves us and desires to meet all of our needs. The greatest gift I have is the salvation I received as a result of Jesus dying on the cross- a perfect sacrifice- for my sins. In so doing, His death on the cross, and my belief that He died for my sins-has restored the relationship and secured my eternal place in Heaven- with God forever. This relationship and assurance of salvation is something that shapes me and defines me and feeds my soul more than anything else in this world ever would or could do for me.

It is this gift of salvation- and 'restoration' to God the Father- that is the only thing that can ever make any of us "whole". No matter how good or bad our relationships are with our earthly dads. These posts have reminded me, that I have gifts, that dads have unique abilities and qualities and opportunities and responsibilities. And I obviously think the world of Chip and my Dad when it comes to their roles in my life and to my loved ones. But it is the awesome, undeserving relationship and faith that I have in God, that makes all the difference in the world to me and how I live my life. My prayer is that you would seek this...or that it already means the world to you too. It is a gift like no other. Humbling, undeserving, yet indescribeable and FREE!

No better place to be...

...than wrapped in the arms of the one in whom you feel loved and secure. I had to pick and choose from all the pictures I have in which Bella and Chip are sharing hugs, rubbing noses and sharing their love. The ones posted her are a snippet of all the hugs these two have shared in just under 5 years. =)

I think I've shared this story here before, but it's one that I don't mind repeating. After Teagan died and life just held heartache and brokenness for Chip and me, I prayed and cried every single day that God would give us Teagan back, or turn back time and have life happen differently for us on the day of July 29, 2001. There was such a void in our lives without Teagan's laughter and singing and excitement around our house. But I think what I craved most were her tight hugs and her unconditional love. She especially poured it on thick for Chip, but it was evident and felt to all of us who were privileged to have shared time with her in life. Her hugs were tight, her love was innocent and sincere.

Although we never planned on having kids after our tragedy, God had other ideas for us. In fact, we would lose Teagan and have Isabella all within a year's time. When Isabella was born, my heart was still aching with grief from Teagan's death, and with the daily challenges and hurts we were living with and beginning to realize their lasting impacts from day to day. I know I had concerns at how I'd be as a mother at this point in time, and with all the issues and 'scars' Chip and me and Brock and Wyndham had. We weren't exactly the perfect choice to welcome a newborn into our lives...yet it happened. I thank God for the way He chooses to work at times- even when those plans don't make sense to me in the least. Including the death of one little girl and the birth of another.

I would never claim that Teagan could be replaced in our hearts and lives, nor would I ever suggest that Bella or Ava or anyone else is her replacement. But I do know that God heard my cries and although He didn't give us Teagan back, He has filled our hearts with peace and comfort and has given us the gifts of Bella and Ava- and their presence has given us reason for much joy in life.

As you can see from these pictures, Isabella has a lot of love and laughter to share. She has a lot of spunk and energy and somehow got the same ability to give the tightest hugs around the neck- much the same way that Teagan did. It's no surprise to me that she was awarded the character quality of 'loving' at preschool earlier this year. It's no surprise to me that she dotes on Chip the way she does. She is all about wearing her heart on her sleeve, and making sure that she never misses an opportunity to give or get hugs and love.

These pictures and my thoughts this week have cemented in my heart and mind just how much a Daddy's love matters to their kids. And how much it hurts when it's not given or received. When I was in jr. high I kept a small notebook for myself, and just recently I read through its pages. Some of my thoughts made me laugh- to read them now. But one of the things I had written resonated with me; it was a list of "Things to remember should I ever have kids". Among the things on that list was the statement, "Never stop showing your love to them- even if they act like they don't want it in their life".

I am happy that the love and hugs and affection come easily and are obvious in our kids' lives right now. I know that I was fortunate to have love expressed to me all the time when I was a kid. But I am also aware that time can change and hormones and puberty happen and that love sometimes is hard to do- even among those you love most. I know that Chip is making a point to model his love and share his time and attention with all of our kids...and even though they're young, I know it is rubbing off on them and shaping their image and self-worth. I hope that together, we will be an example, not of perfection and ease of parenting, but of people who love and care and seek to be a haven of safety and unconditional love. The world is full of places for kids to find hurt and to not feel as though they are 'good enough' or worth time and affection. I hope that Chip and I can offer something different...I hope our kids grow up to feel that truly, there is no better place to be than surrounded by love and security.

For now, I continue to take notes on how to constantly be a better person and parent. And I hope that, along with Chip, our kids and people around us will know that loving others isn't always easy...but it is always enough- and it always has deep, lasting rewards. For everyone touched by love.