Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Compensating.





Sometimes that's the best way in life...making up for wrongs with good things in life has become one of my specialties ever since Teagan's death in July 2001. I am beginning to recognize that the month of July- simply because it's July, the very month that marks the annivesary of so much change in life for my family- is a 'trigger' for me. A trigger of memories, and of raw emotions, and thoughts of 'I wonder' or 'what if'. There is nothing I can change, and I understand that full well. There is nothing I could have done differently, and I accept that too. There is no reason to believe I am regressing or having issues of denial about life and circumstances at this point. It's just my feelings and they are very real.
I've been accused of 'not sharing the bad stuff' of life often enough here at my blog. And although I am not writing this to defend or explain my behavior, I just have to spill it here. Just to get it out. Because that's how I deal best with emotions and stuff that starts to well up inside. I also compensate. A lot.
Maybe it's not the best way of dealing with things, but I have found- that for nearly 6 years now- it yields the 'best results'. Happiness and joy. And I have been on a journey of finding that and embracing that as much as I can- however that may be.
The past couple of days I have just had a 'sense of sadness' inside. There used to be days where things didn't even seem real to me...it was like I was living in a bad dream. Then once the reality began to sink it, there was a lot of anger, bitterness and hurt. I hated that part of my journey of grief most of all. It hurt me and others and just made life miserable. I thank God all the time that He pulled me up and out of that. He used people in my life praying and doing whatever they could do share the burdens that were so suddenly thrust upon Chip and me. God gave me words of comfort from the Bible....and Hope of Heaven for all eternity. He gave Chip and me peace...and there is no way we could have done that in life on our own.
But in the meantime, I have to admit, there still are days where, even if the sun is shining and everything looks so well on the outside, inside there are grey skies and teardrops. These sorts of days are the ones in which I have learned I need to compensate...and seek Joy even more than usual.
Sunday I needed something...and didn't even have the strength to 'create that joy' in my own kitchen like I often like to do. But I still managed to 'create joy' in the form of store-bought chocolate drizzled cupcakes. We grilled out on our deck and had cupcakes (Brock was at a friend's house) and I just tried to savor the moments. I recognize and know that I am so blessed in life. The smiles and grins on my girls can lift my mood no matter how far I allow myself to sink...and it was no different this time around.
Yesterday there wasn't anything 'big'. But when I strung lots of little stuff through my day, I felt like I had accomplished much by bedtime. There was a short trip to the park after I left Wyndham at therapy. Brock, Bella and Ava had fun- climbing, swinging, sliding, getting sand in their shoes. You should have heard the four of us laugh as I spun us as fast as I could make the merry-go-round go. After picking Wyndham up, there was time for riding trikes, blowing bubbles and just playing outside. We topped the day off with caramel chocolate-covered pretzel icecream cones. Bella says it's her new favorite flavor. =)
Still, there was just this feeling that lingers. It was late. Late last night. I knew I wouldn't sleep well- even if I tried. So I shared a small piece of my soul with my new group of best friend SISters on our message board. I cried while I typed it out...but knew that those tears had to fall or they would eat me up inside.
Today was a new day. Some of that feeling was there first thing when I awoke...but was soon tempered by the hugs and smiles of all my kids. I just love all the kisses I get/give in the morning. It's probably my favorite part of the day. Still, there was another trip to therapy for Wyndham, and that was just another reminder of how my life continues to be affected by events that happened several years ago now.
When I came back home from picking her up, there was a beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting at my doorstep. From one of my Fashionista sisters {Thanks, KL...your thoughtfulness has touched me deeply through this gesture of care}, who simply responded to my words. My tears. My pain made her do something beautiful for me. It's so unexpected....the goodness and beauty and joy, that comes from the depths of hurt and pain. Yet I have seen it and been on the receiving end of it too many times to deny that it exists.
True beauty and joy and goodness is out there. Just waiting to be shared or given or unveiled...or sometimes bought- as in the case of some chocolate-drizzled cupcakes. I don't know that I deserve to be on this side of it as often as it comes my way. But I know that it is real...and I know that everyone in life deserves this sort of thing. Even if you are simply trying to compensate for pain.

11 comments:

kerry lynn said...

you deserve every ounce of beauty and love and support you received jody. because you are real, and you care and you wear your heart and your mind on your sleeve, which i admire!

i'm so happy that the flowers arrived and brought with them a little bit of sunshine during such a hard month.

lub you!
{{smooches}}

Amy said...

Jody, you are truly an inpiration. 16 years ago this month a dear childhood friend of mine was killed in an accident while we were teenagers. Always in July it hits me as it did this morning. But this time you came to my mind and it helped me to remember that we can choose joy. You are such an inspiration in ways you will never even know. So thank you for the gift of yourself that you give through your writings each day. Sending prayers up for you and your family.

Kimber-Leigh said...

what beautiful thoughts jody...thank you as always for sharing so openly...thinking alot about searching out joy...even when it's not what's easiest. praying for you and yours...especially today...especially this month! hugs to you...

Cynthia said...

Jody, thank you for sharing your heart so openly. You are an inspiration to me.

corinne5 said...

Jody thank you for being so open and eventhough you try to live your life filled with joy you are also human so it is OK to cry, to feel the pain. You are not a person that holds on to that pain, you cry and you pick yourself back up and I aplaud you for that.

corinnexxx

Kelly S. said...

it's OK to be sad and feel sometimes.
You have a great outlook and I think you are finding a balance.
hope your july gets better.
(((HUGS))

Heidi from Gaylord said...

Jody - The crosses that you bear are big ones, my friend. I can not even image your daily struggles and your heart ache. Know that you are in my thoughts and that there are so many people that care about you. May God continue to lift you up, especially during these difficult days. Thinking of you and your family.

~Lea~ said...

I'm not sure what blog other's are reading...but I don't think you make your life out to be all rainbows and daisies. I think you show others how you choose joy in the wake of tragedy, and daily struggles. I learn something every time I read an entry on your blog. You are so inspiring Jody...I love reading your blog. Thank you for sharing your daily triumphs and trials with us!

HUGS to you!!
~Lea

Ann(i)e said...

man girl....you have me in tears over here....you are an amazing woman...with an amaazing faith and an amazing family!!!
big hugs to you!
XOXOXO

Anonymous said...

Jody, "not sharing the bad stuff often enough"...huh? I think you are amazing for all of the struggles you choose to share. God has done wonders and will continue to do wonders in your life. My prayers are with you and besides, it's your blog...you don't have to share only deep revelations everyday. Gee, some people need to lighten up! Anyone whose lost a dear friend (family) knows that you never get over the loss, you just learn to live with it. Thank you for sharing all that you do!

Susan

Laurie said...

Jody! You really are an inspiration! I have to say it again! I am in awe of your awesome strength! I am in awe of your ability to share so much here of yourself and your faith in God. This just really makes my heart smile. As I said in another comment on your blog I made today, I have been lurking on your blog for quite sometime. One year ago, my beautiful son was diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder. Everyday is a new day of challenges and of joys. Thanks to many of your posts in which you've shared some of your pain of loss, and of struggles with the needs of your daughter and the joy you still find everyday in life, you have inspired me to do the same. I also have faith that God is working in my life to help us meet the challenges our family faces, but as you know somedays it is still hard. Thank you for reminding me to stay focused on my faith over the last year as well! I also think it's crazy that somone might think you don't share the bad stuff often enough. From my own experience there is just some bad stuff, you have to work out in private and cannot or just don't want to share with the world. Some people cannot understnd until they've walked in the shoes themselves. Thank you for sharing what you do!! It makes a difference!