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Whoa. I reread my statement from yesterday and feared that unless I post something a bit more upbeat I could risk losing all 10 of you consistent blog fans of mine! I have mixed emotions after yesterday's entry, but what stands out most to me is the statement regarding "this horrible woman who has destroyed my life." I read that now and realize that it is no longer true in my life. My life may have been temporarily destroyed- but I am happy to say that in just 4 short years I have a lot of happiness, joy and gratitude in life. In fact, if you met me and my family out and about somewhere, or saw us dining together or doing some other daily ritual you would probably think we were just another ordinary family. We bear very few physical scars and would probably surprise you with the amount of smiles and laughs we share after living through some horrible things. I guess I am proud of that in a sense.That our lives were derailed for a time, but that we've gotten back on track and are living a beautiful life- makes me happy. As I guess it should. I might as well say it.As for the lighter note...I did the above scrap page awhile back from an online class by Cathy Zielske at BigPictureScrapbooking.com. It's titled "Did you know? 5 Random Facts about Me". If you click on it I think you can read the journal blocks. If not, just enjoy the bright spring colors and I'll post the facts later on.I promise to keep things a bit lighter around here for a few days. I need humor myself, as a couple of family members have had the "sickies" around here.
Four years ago this week I stood in a courtroom packed with people, cameras, reporters, a judge and the woman who killed my daughter. I had prepared a statement months earlier when I first found out that at somepoint I would be able to speak in court when this woman who killed Teagan was to be sentenced. My husband edited and toned down the original statement I had written- but not the essential message. I pulled it out today, typed it up and intended to post a link to it here...but I am still a rookie at this and couldn't get my format to allow me to do so. This will be a bit lengthy. It was written from my heart only a few weeks after our accident and death of Teagan. My wounds were fresh. My pain was immense. My life was a living nightmare- literally. I had post-traumatic stress syndrome and nightmares for months after living through our ordeal. I was speaking to the Judge- hoping that he would "see" my pain and hurt and go beyond the sentencing guidelines and give this woman the maximum sentence. [This is heavy stuff for a blog, I know...but it's a big part of my life and that's what this blog is for- for me to share my life.] So, this is what you get today. If you are new around here, I apologize and recommend that you read through some of my archives. If you want to know more of our story as it unfolded you can go to the advanced archives section at: www.gaylordheraldtimes.com If you search from July 29, 2001 to the present day and type in keyword "Ferlaak" you will find a host of newspaper articles telling our story in detail. I don't know what I want you to gain from reading this post today, so take from it whatever you may. It's just a brokenhearted mother pleading to a judge and offering hope to an otherwise hopeless individual on her way to jail. Cindy Kundrat ended up showing no remorse for killing two people {my daughter and a 29 yr. old wife & mother of two}, injuring 9 others {one of which is my other daughter, Wyndham} and destroying a restaurant building. The judge went beyond his sentencing guidelines and gave her the maximum sentence which she is currently serving today. She will serve a total of ten years. I pray for her often that she is using her time wisely and that she will walk out of jail a better person than when she went in.Here is my Statement to the Court, as I spoke at sentencing in on Feb. 6, 2002.
This is very difficult for me to do. In my wildest imagination I could never have expected something like this to happen in my life. I don’t know where to begin, but I guess the reality of this nightmare is beginning to set in, and over the course of the past few weeks I’ve started to process some of the pieces.
Most mornings when I awake and it hurts to even lift the covers off of my legs, I am filled with anger and rage. Then, when it takes me half an hour or more just to move from bed to the bathroom- the injustice of what has happened wells up inside me. At that point I want to scream and yell and somehow get revenge on this horrible woman that has destroyed my life and my family.
I think to myself, if someone could just strap her in a chair so that I could bang her head and body several times…and break eight of her ribs and gash her head open, let her feel the pain of three chest tubes and taste the bitter flavor of anti-seizure medicine…all this just so she could get a little glimpse of some of the physical pain that my family has endured.
Then I stop. Not only is this scenario not possible- because our justice system does not allow it – but I know even then I wouldn’t feel better; and it wouldn’t change anything or make my life easier. In fact, this woman has already witnessed my pain and terror as well as all the suffering and screams of the other victims involved after she caused the devastation at the Old Depot and the bottom line is she did nothing. When she heard the voice of one man on the scene yell, “We’re going to flip the car”, I watched as she reached over and picked up her purse, then opened her car door and got out. I remember even in the disbelief of the scene around me thinking, “Do something!! Don’t just sit there…and if you are in shock, then go somewhere else, put your head in your lap and get out of the way!” Instead, I saw her icy eyes stare at me. I was starting to feel uneasy just as a police car pulled up nearby. That’s when this woman started saying over and over, “I just took the corner too fast.” Again I thought to myself, “Then do something to help the people that lay dying in front of you.” But it was as though she wasn’t seeing a thing; she was unresponsive – emotionally dead.
So, as I am filled with anger from time to time and wish for a moment she could somehow feel my pain, physical and emotional, I realize that there will never come that day. It’s as though she has no feeling. As I just stated, she saw it all there that day. My little 4-year old daughter, Teagan lay in front of her, dying on the scene and she heard the screams of the other injured victims and it made no difference to her. She was so selfish and self-absorbed in her own problems, that in an instant she killed two innocent people and forever destroyed the lives of many others – whose hearts are forever broken from the deaths of teagan and Peggy.
Now what? On earth, in this place we have a justice system. It seeks to penalize selfish persons such as the woman here today. Yet there is no justice here for Teagan. And all of her dreams. They were killed on July 29th. We will never hear her laugh, or see her smile or feel another hug, or watch her run or see her ride a bike or stroke her beautiful hair. We will never experience her first day of school, or help her wiggle her first loose tooth, or hear her whisper in our ears, “I love you”. We will never watch her grow up or meet her first boyfriend or toss her the keys to the car. We will never share tears of joy as we hug and send her down the aisle in a Princess wedding gown on her wedding day, nor will we ever listen to the cries of the grandchildren she would have born, or ever feel the grip of her hand on mine as I face my own death. These are just some of the things this woman has killed.
In addition, she should be charged with grand theft as she stole my son’s best friend. I don’t know how to explain to him, at 2, that a woman with no feeling has killed his sister and now he will never splash with Teagan in the tub, or share cold milk and warm chocolate chip cookies with her, or build a sandcastle on the beach, or sit together in front of the Christmas tree and watch as it lights up this year…I could go on forever.
And 7-month old Wyndham will never even remember the sound of her big sister’s voice as Teagan would sing little songs to her and whisper secrets like, “When you grow up I’ll share my Barbie lipgloss with you”. She’ll never feel the tug from Teagan as she would have pulled her around in a circle chanting, “ring around the rosie”. Wyndham won’t even get to see the smile Teagan would have had on her face as she blows out the candle on her first birthday cake. All these moments and countless more have been forever ripped out of our future.
So this justice system is supposed to make things more fair. Well it’s not fair that this woman can think about her dreams whenever she wishes, she can sing and smile and even stroke her own hair. That’s not fair. She could be tortured everyday…but at least she could still feel pain.
It’s at this point that the only way I can get through the next minute – to see hope in my future, is to think about God’s grace. I have such horrible thoughts about this woman, and I am filled with a sense of injustice, anger and rage. But then I realize that without God’s grace I am just as horrible as this woman is. It’s hard to believe but it’s true. The Bible tells us that “All have sinned” (Rom. 3:23) and that “All of our righteousness is as filthy rags” (Is. 64:6). Each and every one of us, inside and outside of this room is an abomination in the sight of God. Though many of us would like to believe that we are so much better than this awful woman, in God’s eyes – sin is sin. On earth we put these sins on a sort of scale – that our justice system might make things fair. There will be no justice until the day when God’s final justice is made real and He conquers evil forever. On that day I know that I can stand before His judgment seat having full confidence that He will receive me with open arms and say, “Well done”.
I have this assurance because in my life, I have accepted God’s grace. That is the free gift that He offers us, because He loves us so much and doesn’t want to see any of us perish. I believe that part of God’s plan through this tragic ordeal is that this horrible woman gets another chance to receive this gift of salvation. I wish I could skip this next part, but I have such strong convictions that what I am telling you is God’s desire. Why would God offer horrible sinners a free gift of salvation?! He sent His Son, Jesus, to die on the cross and take the punishment of all our sins. Not just the little ones. Not just the ones that nobody notices, and not just for those of us who think we’re good people. He paid the price and took the punishment for the sins of everyone in the whole world.
Teagan’s death has given me the opportunity to feel and experience in my own life, God’s wonderful love and amazing grace. Now today, this woman has heard that in spite of all that has gone wrong in her life, the pain and suffering she has caused and the unbelieveable sins she has committed, that God still offers her forgiveness and wants her and anyone else in this room to accept His free gift of grace. He wants you to say, “I’m a sinner. Please forgive me.” When you do that, in an instant, your slate is wiped clean and you stand purified in the sight of God.
So you see, although I could stand here today and condemn the woman who killed my daughter, I am choosing to share a message of hope and redemption. That doesn’t mean that I want to hear her utter those words and be set free. But if she repents to God, and only He knows our hearts, then we will one day be able to stand and embrace in heaven. Because of Teagan’s death – and through God’s amazing grace, by His love and forgiveness I look forward with great hope and anticipation to that day – when justice will be served and I will hear my Savior say to me, “Well done” and then I will see my beautiful, sweet little Teagan and forever be united with her in Heaven.
One person's opinion changed my direction during my first sememster of college. I was young and still believed that people, older or smarter or in certain jobs or a host of other experiences, knew more than me. And "knowing more" automatically meant they were right.But now that I am in "their shoes" I am finding that I should have listened to myself all along. I skipped my senior year of high school through a "post-secondary program" and instead took all my classes at college. I only needed 2 credits to complete my high school requirements, so I jumped at this opportunity- to get out of HS early and to get one year of college paid for. It was perfect for a person like me who didn't ever fit in at school and who loves to save a buck. So, I was assigned to an advisor who looked at the credits that I needed and stuck me in a senior English class for the one English credit I needed and he stuck me in a political science class (all seniors except for myself and one other kid doing the same program I was), and the rest of the classes I took were freshman general credits.I had always loved English- reading, writing, short stories, poetry, nonfiction, all of it. I was thinking of English as a major- but decided to not declare any major until my sophmore year- just to make sure it's what I really wanted. Here is where course in life took a turn. That one senior English class apparantly wasn't the place for me. No matter what I said or what I wrote in that class was "wrong"- according to my professor, Natalie. Looking back I wonder if she just thought I was too young and inexperienced- or if I really was that much of an idiot that I couldn't write or speak anything of importance or relevance. I wish I had some video footage- or some transcripts to document what really transpired in her classroom.I remeber that by the third week of class I had gone from sitting in the front row, to the furthest corner seat in the back. Natalie had made me feel worthless and I decided that she must be "right". Afterall, this was her profession and certainly she had a great deal of experience- therefore her opinion of me must be correct.Fast forward several years to the current day and I have a very different opinion. I am sad in some ways that I listened to Natalie's opinion, all but gave up on writing, and had a low self-esteem in college. I always felt like I wasn't that "qualified" to be there...and I don't think I actually pushed myself hard enough or tried my very best. All because of one professor's opinion. Sometimes I wish I could go back and do it over. Don't we all have certain regreats on life in light of our experiences?I ended up majoring in media/communications- but never thought I was that great at that either. It wasn't where I truly felt I should be-I went along with it, and I graduated in it and even ended up really liking certain aspects of it. But it hadn't been my first choice. And I think my heart knew that.Now I get comments and emails all the time saying things like, "You should be a writer." Or "you have a way with words" and "This is what you were meant to do."I'm working on believing all those comments. I'm trying to "erase the tapes" of negativity that I've played over and over in my mind- the ones of Natalie's criticism of my writing and my thoughts. I bet she has no idea that she changed the direction of my life to that extent. I doubt she would even remember who I am. Afterall, I spent almost a whole semester slumped down in the corner seat of her English Lit class. I am happy that I am able to look back, reflect and now choose a new course in life. And maybe all that happened in my life for a reason. Maybe I was a terrible writer. Maybe I still am. But I am happy that my heart wants to find out for itself. I am excited to realize that sometimes the most important opinion is not one that comes from a "smarter, more experienced" voice- but instead the most important opinion comes from within. I guess I learned something from Natalie afterall.
The other day when I posted about body image and referred to kids making something and being so proud of their creation reminded me of another playdough incident. This one will probably end up in the book I will write someday, but for now you get the story for "free". No royalties for me yet.The year was 2001. The day was probably another one in which I was overwhelmed with the fact that my life was spinning around me and grief and pain still consumed my thoughts and activities. After the death of Teagan, as a mother, the daily routines that I had always done without a thought could bring me to my knees- sobbing and struggling to catch my breath. With each rush of tears I would beg God to give me joy in life again. I would ask Him for strenth to see beauty and to help me accept my grief and use it as a means to grow better- not bitter.This is where I was when the following story took place. I was in between crying and moving beyond my tears- I wanted to feel "normal" again. My son Brock, age 2, had serious issues with eating, attention span, and trying to cope as a result of living through the accident and losing his older sister and playmate. Teagan had been his best friend- telling him what to do and how to do it all day long. He was lost without her and so was I. So this day I made a decision to "forget about my pain and grief" for a time and do something with Brock that would make life feel like it used to. I told him to come and join me in the kitchen and we would do playdough together. He even struggled with coming to the table- as sitting at a table caused him panic attacks. [We had been eating brunch when our accident happened, so in his mind, if you were sitting at a table something terrible could happen to you.] I finally coaxed him into coming over- he didn't sit down but at least he was standing by the table and ready to play. Just when I was thinking how great I was for doing something normal and routine again, I lifted the lids off the playdough cups and then I had to catch my breath. Inside those colored containers were Teagan's tiny fingerprints. She had pressed the playdough down into the cups the last time we had played it together. I was totally unprepared and unaware that trying to do something so innocent- such as playing playdough with my son- could overwhelm me with sorrow once again. As I sat there staring at Teagan's fingerprints I was tempted to grab the covers and put the playdough away so I could pull it out time and time again to see Teagan's poke marks. But I saw Brock's eyes lighting up and he was reaching for the playdough and I realized that I was facing a reality of grief. I could keep tucking it away to save for later and use it to feed my sorrow, or I could accept it, cry for the moment, feel my pain, realize my tremendous loss and then live again. That is how grief has worked for me. I have learned that it will always be there. That it is a permanent part of my life and is etched in the deepest part of my heart.I have chosen to allow sorrow and sadness to be a part of my life- but it doesn't consume my life. I am glad that I chose to play with the playdough with Brock that day. I thank God that He has given me strength to move beyond my grief and has helped me to channel some of my pain into living again. Who knew something as simple as playing playdough would be a defining point in how I might live out my life overall. I'm happy to say that I've chosen the path in life that is allowing me to "see" beauty and to feel joy and to live fully. Even with a load of grief.
The day when I will climb into bed and there will be no Chocolate Lucky Charms in my sheets or plastic jewelry under my pillow. I realize that the days fade quickly and even the seemingly unending crumbs in and around my bed will be just distant memories. And I never want to lose these memories. One day I will pull up the covers and I will realize how much I miss having the "mess" of my kids in my house. And it will make me long for the day I have today. So, I am savoring it. All of it. Crumbs and all. And I hope Chip won't think I'm crazy when I throw cereal in the bed when we're old and retired- just to help me relive the "good ol' days". I hope they still make Lucky Charms then!
I hope you hear me out on this one and read all the way to the end before disagreeing with my comments. As you can see in the pictures I've posted I am no supermodel. Nope. Never gonna have a chance at being one of those. Not with my 5-2" size, 100-something pound, had 5 babies, now-look-at-me shaped body. Just not what Vogue or Cosmopolitan or CoverGirl are into these days.But that's not the point. For some reason, (maybe it was the audition of the big girl slapping her backside for Simon, Paula and Randy on American Idol last night), I was thinking of all the negative things I've said about myself through the years. I'm sure there will be more complaints as I continue to mature and age with time...and compare myself to the "beauty standard" that mainstream media presents to me in various ways. My thoughts were this. Why do I say bad things about myself? [Note: I don't do this nearly as much as I used to. I'm basically a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl now. But occasionally I comment to Chip about some less than perfect charactersitic I would like to change...]So I started thinking about the reality in my life and I think it pertains to all of us. I believe that we are all created by God. That's the basis of my following deep thoughts. Thus, if we are all created by God, we are in the exact body with the exact mind and soul that He has chosen us to live in. I believe that we can grow and change and gain or lose weight and gain {or lose!} knowledge and all that wonderful stuff, but we are basically bound to the overall "package" that we've been created into. Does that make sense?Therefore, we need to accept it and love it and thank God for it. We are a "product" of Superior design. And what?! We complain that it's not good enough? Or talented enough? Or small or big or funny or whatever it is we wish for more of in ourselves. That's terrible. And it's striking. Which is exactly what I hope you will pause and think about. Just for a moment or two, and maybe it will change the way you feel about yourself for a bit. Until you start watching tv, or see a movie, or pick up a magazine or go to the SuperBowl party that your hot "friend" is at that your husband always says, "Her? I don't think she's great looking. You were the best looking person at the party all day. And hey, what did you think about those BBQ meatballs. Those were tasty, huh!"Okay. I think what I am trying to say is that we all need to love ourselves in the personhood we are and to recognize that we are "perfect" just the way we are. Sure there are always little areas or big areas for some of us to work on, but when it comes down to it, we are great to the One who has designed us. Have your kids or someone else's little kids ever made something with playdough and they come running to you or call you over to the table to come "see what I made!" Then when you see the lump of blue-swirled clay in their hands you smile- but you say, "I love it! What is it?" You can't tell just by looking at it, but the child knows just what it's supposed to be. A dog, or a duck or a boat. They are so proud. Did you ever think that in a quirky sort of way that's how God sees you? Not as a swirly-mixed up lump of playdough, but as a creation that He designed and is beaming with pride for! He made you and it is precisely the flaws and unique qualities that make us special to Him. Maybe when He made you He thought to Himself, "I've never made anybody with a nose like THAT before! Cool!" I'm thinking, now that I'm in my 30's and I'm married and nobody cares what I look like anymore, maybe now I should start loving myself just the way I am. Maybe the things I dislike most about myself or wish I could changes are the very things that God hand-picked to make me special in His eyes. Wow. This got really long. I guess you decided to read it through to the end anyway. I hope you go away from here loving the "worst" charactersitics about yourself, if only for a moment. And remember, to God you are perfect in His sight. And His opinion is ultimately the only one that matters in the end anyway. See? I told you, Image IS everything...when you see yourself as God sees you!!
I'm wondering about you. I've been thinking more about the post on contentment and it makes me wonder this...what is it that drives YOU? I would love to hear from you. Leave me a comment. Or drop me an email: chip2jody@hotmail.comI want to know what "it" is that makes you get up in the morning and do the things you do. What is "it" that you are trying to attain? You probably know what "it" is for me. At least I hope you do. For me it is my faith. It is the belief that I hold that there is more to life than we can see. I believe there is God and Heaven {and Hell!} and I am living my life each day in light of this fact. So, what is it for you that makes you want to live a certain way. What are you hoping to achieve when it's all said and done? What do you want your life to mean? If you're up for it, tell me. I really, really want to know!
When I grow up I want to be like these two people. They have made my week fly by- which is quite an accomplishment and compliment. These people are my Dad & Mom and I mentioned them in my last post, but they are so wonderful that they deserve another blog entry. There has been a lot of fresh whipped cream in my house this week. This stuff is equal to buttercream- but a lot less effort. I think the whole world should set aside a day just to whip up and eat batches of whipped cream. If everyone was eating this stuff, there would be happiness and joy and probably even world peace for the day. I'm not exactly sure how the lactose intolerant people would swing it, but I'm sure there is some sort of tasty substitute. Did I mention my parents have been staying with me from MN and helping me run the home and manage the kids while Chip is away?I am blessed beyond measure when it comes to my parents. They want only the best for me...at the biggest discount possible, of course. They have a way of making the ordinary fun. Or funny. We never run out of conversation. They are so great with my kids. I will miss they immensely when they head back to their home tomorrow. I hope when I grow up and have grandkids that my kids will love me as much as I love them. I am one lucky lady when it comes to parents. And I don't take that for granted ever.
I guess that's what you could call it. Hubby left for Orlando to attend PGA Golf Show. I'm holding down the fort with my parents in town from Minnesota. I realize how lucky I am to have two of the best parents out there- and we enjoy every moment we have together when we get chances like this. I appreciate the way the support me, pray for me, laugh and cry with me, sing with me and cook and eat meals with me- there's nothing like a meal cooked by Mom! {My dad doesn't cook- but he can grill!}So, the blogging has taken a backseat to the limited time I have with my parents in town. We can do nothing, and still have fun doing it! That's when you know a relationship is a special thing. When just being in someone's presence makes your life a little bit sweeter. I'm a lucky little lady for that! And of course, there will be pictures of the grandkids getting spoiled, "doing nothing", and enjoying every minute of it posted here in the very near future. You can be sure of that. =)
Not that I am en expert or anything. You may not even care what I think or value my opinion. However, you can read this and think about it for your own life and come to your own conclusions. What I think everybody in this world needs a little bit more of is contentment. I think especially in our American society we are bombarded with messages from media, billboards, music lyrics, television programs...virtually everywhere we look or anything we hear is somehow telling us we need more. We deserve more. We're entitled to more. We would be happier with more. The {more} could be anything...furniture, time in the gym, vacations, sex, food, namebrand clothes, designer fragrance, even thicker toilet paper. (Which I find just plugs the toilet faster when the kids use too much- but that's just my experience.)I think a lot of people don't even realize that they are letting these messages control their choices in life. They just have this "thing" inside- a desire- that is unfulfilled. It drives them to work longer hours, SPEND TOO MANY DOLLARS, eat more, put stuff on credit cards more, be angry more, fill their time more {ie. tv watching, net surfing}, think about breaking up relationships because somewhere someone else can meet their unfulfilled needs more. Does this ring a bell? I fall into some of the categories myself. I admit it. I'm no superhero- immune to messages out there- wife and mother, has-it-all-together. I'm very much like you.However, I have looked inward and upward a lot the past few years. I have asked the tough questions and wondered, "Is this all there is in life?" over and over. The resounding answer I get is straight from my heart. The answer is that there is more. Just not in this life. One of my favorite quotes is about this very issue. "True contentment on earth means asking less of this life because more is coming in the next."I love that! It is something that comes from my faith- but can be lived out every single day. I am learning that there are things I just don't need, that {more stuff} won't bring me happiness or ease the pain I sometimes feel in life. There is no fast diet, get rich scheme, perfect pair of jeans (although they can make me really happy for a moment!!), tall latte, latest model car, that special fragrance...whatever it might be. None of that is the answer to what my soul longs for. It is something I cannot see, I cannot buy, I cannot earn.It is something that only God can give. He gives it freely and without question. It is something I don't deserve and no amount of good works will ever be enough. It is His grace. His love. His hope for me. His promise of Heaven. It is all of that. THAT is what I continue to seek- and in so doing I find contentment. True contentment. It's such an amazing- yet difficult- concept for me to grasp. That the more I seek God, the less I want or need {more} stuff out of life. It's beautiful when it happens. When I find that I am more patient. Or that I am grateful in the midst of a tough circumstance in my life. Or that I can love someone for being who they are...even if they are rude, angry, or unlovely. I hope that the contentment I feel in life continues to grow and overwhelm me. I know I may never become Mother Teresa. I have a lot of growing to do. But I know that it is something I can seek to develop in my life every day. And that thought brings me contentment in and of itself. There is more to this life. But it's not about things...it's about contentment.
How do you follow the sheer bliss of little kids toilet papering the house? With a recipe for Zucchini Bread, that's how. There is a previous post of this stuff lined up cooling on a baking rack if you want to go look for it. Back in November, I believe. Here is the recipe, and like the title says- you will probably want to print this out, add the ingredients to your next grocery list and make this stuff as soon as you get the chance. This recipe is healthy AND yummy! You will make this and then come back here to thank me in the comments. You're welcome in advance. Actually, you have my Mom to thank. She's coming here from MN to MI on Saturday. I'll tell her "thank you" from you then. Zucchini Bread...Ingredients: 3 eggs, 3 cups flour, 1/2 cup unsweetened {natural} applesauce, 1/2 cup oil {I use canola}, 1 and 3/4 cups sugar, 2 cups grated zucchini {which equals 2 sm-med sized zucchinis}, 1 tsp. salt, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 tsp. baking soda, 1 heaping tsp. cinnamon, 1/4 tsp. nutmeg, 3 tsp. vanilla, 1 small can mandarin oranges {drained!}Directions: Preheat oven to 325 degrees. In large bowl, combine dry ingredients- flour, sugar, salt, powder, soda, cinnamon & nutmeg. Set aside. In another large mixing bowl combine the moist ingredients- eggs, applesauce, oil, grated zucchini, & oranges. Mix on med. speed until well combined and then slowly add dry ingredients. Pour into greased bread pans {I usually make a pan of mini muffins and 3 small loaves}. If you are baking standard sized loaves, place in oven and bake for 1 hour 15 minutes at 325. If you make smaller pans like I do, bake muffins for 15-18 minutes, and small bread loaves for 45-50 minutes. The loaves should not be gooey on top- make sure they spring back when you touch them.Good luck with this recipe. If you have kids that are "tough-sells" on eating vegetables, try this one on them. I bet they'll love it!
Most of you reading this know by now that I basically have learned that circumstances happen to each of us in life that we can and can't control. I have learned to roll with the punches and to sometimes even enjoy them as they happen. Even when they are scary, overwhelming, frustrating, or even funny and unusual. So, here are a couple of pictures of me "rolling with the punches" in the midst of a moment. It was just starting to be time for me to make dinner. I was picking up the crayons and paper that my girls had just finished playing with. When I turned around to see what activity they were going to do next...this is what was going on.Wyndham had walked into the bathroom and grabbed the toilet paper and started walking around the house- she was moving as fast as she could go- all the while the tp was dragging behind her. She was giggling and excited- so the other two girls quickly joined her fun. The next thing I know, they are all running through the house with toilet paper flowing gracefully behind them. I thought for a split second about yelling at them to all stop. But when I saw their eyes sparkling I knew the best thing I could do was to grab my camera and start snapping. It was hard to get a great shot because I was watching and smiling as big as they were...and they were moving so fast and were all over the place. When one trail of paper snapped they would head back into the bathroom and start all over- trying to create the longest line they could. Their laughter was so sweet. The paper was flying everywhere. When their little legs got tired of running circles through the house, they decided to tear the paper to bits. I turned on one of their music CDs and they started dancing, shredding, throwing paper up in the air and giggling the whole time. It was a mess. It was dinnertime. Daddy came walking into the whole thing in the middle of it all. It was a roll of toilet paper...but it was magic just the same. 
Wow. I can't believe how wonderful silence is. Chip and I took off on Friday afternoon and drove from Michigan to Cedar Rapids, IA...just the two of us. (Thank you, thank you Rachael- in every language I can think of!) We have lots of kids, lots of noise, lots of long work hours- at jobs and at home, and never get away from it all-together- alone. We were only gone from Friday til Sunday night, but it's amazing to me how we feel refreshed as a couple. We were able to sit in the car and at meals and have complete thoughts. Total silence- if we wanted. No yelling, no scolding, no whining, no eye-rolling {Wait a minute. Chip rolled his eyes a few times at me...like when I scanned the radio stations and the song "Jack & Diane" was just starting- so I crancked it REALLY loud and did a silly dance move. I know he loved it- but he rolled his eyes as if it were really immature. Which it was. But I didn't care....I was being the "me" that's been stifled a bit by motherhood. But not at that moment. I was back- in rare form. And if that meant I would get a funny look now and then- it was worth it to me. And I know Chip was smiling on the inside- to know that I'm still the same person he fell in love with in 1994. And besides, what else could I do in a situation like that? When the music takes you, you have no choice right?! So, there were a few moments like that in which Chip gave me a funny look or just smiled and went along with it- It was great!} Did you read the title quote of this post? It's an actual quote that I made enroute home. I was looking at Chip driving. I guess it was one of those looks that started to impose on his personal space because he simply said, "what?!" I smiled and said, "It's nice to know that we still like each other." I think I was a little nervous that we might run out of conversation, or that we might have some tense moments or that there might be topics we'd have to avoid- but it all worked out really well. We shared, laughed, reminisced, reflected, and enjoyed one another's company. It was more than I had hoped for- our agenda was mostly unplanned. Our weekend was simple and casual and without incident. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Only maybe it won't be another 9 years before the next time! If I had bought the cute Coach purse that I kept picking up and running my fingers over and putting on my shoulder and looking in the mirror to see how great it helped me to look and feel; I would have posted a picture of it for sure. But, I went with the whole, "It's just not something I need- it wouldn't be practical" rationale. That's so me. To think thoughtfully and practically before buying. I can thank my parents for that deep-rooted characteristic. That's all for now!!
Hi all. Just thought I'd take a quick minute to stop by. Hubby & I are enjoying a couple of days away from home without the kids. I woke up this morning and "Mommyyyyyyyyy!" wasn't the first thing I heard! It felt really weird. Nice, but different. We ended up getting bumped to the Business Suite- which means we have a conference table in one room and bed and tv in the other. But the linens were extra comfy and both Chip and I had one of the best sleeps in a long time. Thought you'd like to know. See?! Sometimes life goes our way and so far it's going well. We didn't even hit any small animals on our trip down here. I'll catch you all soon! Ciao!
So there's this game of tag going around the blog world as many of you know. I got tagged twice- so instead of leaving 4 answers for each section, I am giving myself the liberty of 8. Okay here goes...List {4} jobs you have held:1. Worked at the YMCA childcare room...and after that decided I never EVER wanted to have kids. In fact, I made my hubby agree a hundred times to that before I accepted his marriage proposal. (Now here we are 5 kids later, hmmm.)2. Waitressing- from Baker's Square to Byerly's (graveyard shift I used to wait on Prince's drummer & guitarist), to Timberlodge Steakhouse (where Hubby & I met) to Paninos- (on Rice Street in Roseville, MN or Arden Hills- check this place out!!, to Champp's, to TGIFriday's to Pearl's Bistro (where I waited on John Walsh- America's Most Wanted & Cindy Crawford once). Wowsers. I think I even left a couple places out. I have done my time serving people...and for your information- made a LOT OF TIPS too!3. Office assistant at Interlachen Country Club in Minneapolis.4. DOing graphic design/layouts for small print shop...that's where I grew to LOVE fonts!5. Currently I am "Event coordinator" at a Golf CLub, where I work weddings and other functions when they are scheduled- it keeps me very busy on the weekends all summer.These last 3 are unpaid jobs/volunteer work I have had...6. Walking dogs at Humane Society7. Teaching Vacation Bible School8. Wife/MotherName {4} Movies you could watch over & over:1. Down With Love2. The Princess Bride3. Titanic4. The Sound of Music5. About a Boy (Hugh Grant)6. Big Daddy7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas8. Schindler's Listside note here...been almost 2 years since I've been in a movie theater.Name {4} places you've lived:1. St. Cloud, MN2. Woodbury, MN3. Bloomington, MN4. Minnetonka, MN5. Roseville, MN6. Vero Beach, FL7. Gaylord, MI8. Grand Haven area, MIName {4} television shows you watch: (I'm serious about these!! Kids always have the control.)1. Blue's Clues2. Dora the Explorer3. Max & Ruby4. Diego5. The BackYardigans...you get the picture. I rarely watch tv. When I do I like...6. Food Network...Rachel Ray, Everyday Italian, Paula Deen, Semi-homemade, Good Eats...7. News shows, ie. Dateline, 20/20 that kind of stuff8. ER and old Friends episodesName {4} Places you've been on vacation:Okay, my list just got shortened from 8 to however many I can recall. You see, outside of traveling back to MN to see relatives it's been a LOOONNGG time. In fact, other than being flown and put up in a hotel overnight to tape the Oprah show (which doesn't even count as a vacation) Chip & I haven't been away from the kids for 9 years. I know, I know. I've heard about what Dr. Phil thinks of people like us- but either I've been pregnant or nursing- or we've had serious health issues that have made it all but impossible to go somewhere. Anyway, tomorrow we are going to try to head down to Cedar Rapids, IA for the weekend to go to a friend's BDay party. Again, not really a vacation- but we will get away from the kids for more than 6 hours. All I know is I better not turn up pregnant after this!Okay. Back to the places...we did spend a few days at the American Club in Kohler, WI. I HIGHLY recommend this place. It was awesome for our family the first Christmas after losing Teagan. Also, we honeymooned in Kauai, HI, we've driven from northern Michigan to Scottsdale, AZ with 3 kids in carseats. I guess vacations will come as our kids grow a bit. Hopefully.Name {4} websites you check out each day: Here I could just list a bunch of blogs...that's pretty much what I do online...then I click on links to cool places from the blogs I read. Here they are:1. Cathy Zielske's blog (She's the first blog I ever read and I'm still reading her!)2. My own blog (Always gotta check out if there's comments or anything going on)3. Elsie Flannigan's blog (She's young, funky and how I wish I could have been at her age...except maybe not married at her age.)4. Stacy Julian's- Big Picture Scrapbooking.com (This one is stretching me.)5. Katrina- Being 30-something (Lovin' my lipbalm friend!!)6. Greta- vintageliving4me (Her thoughts are always, well, thoughtful.)7. Heidi Swapp's blog (She's funky, lovable and I just love pink & brown too!)8. Ali Edward's blog (She and I are almost polar opposites- but can't help but love her love for art and creating...wish I had her studio space & stuff to play with.)Name {4} of your favorite foods: These actually vary with the seasons. I have favorites for different times of the year...and some I wish I could eat year round. By the way- I will be making my Carmel French Toast very soon- I bought all the ingredients today!1. Lobster Bisque or Pumpkin bisque2. Pastries of all kinds- especially cream-filled or cream puffs or Hot-n-Now Krispy Kremes!!3. Fresh seasonal berries- all kinds4. Coconut stuff- like creme brulee, or ice cream5. Thai peanut food- salads, wraps, entrees...6. Authentic Italian- like with sundried tomatoes and pinenuts & goat cheese7. Ruth Chris' steakhouse kind of steak...buttery and tender8. Emeril's Hot Fudge Breadpudding with Bourbon spiced whipped cream!Name {4} places you'd rather be right now:1. Heaven2. Anywhere back in time from March '97 thru July '01 just to see and hold Teagan again...3. Heaven4. With family in MN5. Heaven6. With friends I love to hang out with that don't live around here7. Heaven8. Did you notice a common thread here?! I can't wait for eternity someday! It's gonna be GREAT!!!And now, I'm supposed to tag {4} more people...but since I'm going away for the weekend and I won't be around to check up on all them, I'll just stop the game here. But, if you like, you can list some of your favorites in the comments. I hope I find a way to enjoy my weekend instead of worrying about my kids the whole time. Actually, I'm more worried for Rachael!! Wish us all luck!
You haven't fully lived and experienced life's simple goodness if you've never eaten Baked Caramel French Toast. This recipe came to me through a cousin of mine with the claims of being 1)Easy to prepare and 2)Simply delicious. Nothing about calorie count or carbs or any of that. I write this...it's as tasty as it is simple. I wonder if Martha Stewart's staff members have ever made this for her before. Hmmm. Here it is for you!BAKED CARAMEL FRENCH TOASTMelt in a heavy saucepan over med/low heat until smooth and creamy: 1 cup brown sugar, 1/3 cup butter (or marg.), 1/3 cup cream or milk (I usually use whole milk), and 1 tablespoon corn syrup. Just make sure you don't boil this mixture...I usually stir it frequently and it doesn't take more than a few minutes. Here's a hint: Cut your slices of french bread about 1 inch thick and lay them out in your 9 x 13 pan to see how many will fit in the pan. Then take them out- and pour your melted caramel mixture into the pan. Next step- Whisk together 3 eggs, 1/3 cup of milk, 1/2 teaspoon salt & 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla. (Martha Stewart's staff would use the real Madagascar vanilla here. I use it when I have it.) Dip each slice of your french bread into the egg mixture- getting it moist on both sides. Place the slices on the caramel mixture in your pan and cover with plastic wrap or foil. Place it in refrigerator for at least 3 hours or overnight. Bake it at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes. (Don't overbake.) To serve, put slice of french bread on plate with caramel side up. You can serve with various toppings, like chopped apples & cinnamon, sliced bananas or syrup. I eat it plain so that I have room for a second piece. I'm telling you- this will make your day. Plan it a day or two in advance. Make it in the evening before bed. Pop it in the oven while you're in the shower and when you sink your teeth in this stuff you'll realize why you read this blog!
I've been getting lots of emails and occasional comments in which people tell me that their biggest fear is something bad happening to their child(ren). They go on to share that I am an inspiration or encouragement to them that I have lived through such tragedy and still maintain a positive outlook on life.So this is what hits me today while I am reading such a note. I am living a lot of people's worst nightmare! Do you understand what that means for you? It means that if your worst nightmare came true- you could live through it. That's the part that should let you take a big breath and let it out here. You see?! I am LIVING in spite of tragedy and challenges thrown at me. I am making the most of a terrible circumstance and am able to share with you some of those experiences so that you might look into your own life and appreciate more, let go a little more, enjoy a little more, forgive a little more, question your faith a little more, and think about Heaven a little more. But the most important thing for you to realize here at this moment is this...you can stop worrying and fretting about what could happen- because I am proof that even a big, bad thing won't bring your world to a halt.Mine certainly got pulled out from under me and flipped upside-down. It's made me cry more tears than I ever imagined possible, it's made it hard for me to breathe sometimes, it's made me wonder why I care about vacuuming the floor or why people watch lame tv shows. It's made me want to scream and never smile again...and it's made me want to hold the people I love most and never ever let go. It's made me want to stay in bed and never get out again and it's made me go on the Oprah show and tell the world I am capable to forgive. It has made me more of who I am and will forever shape who I ultimately become. It is a part of me forever...and yet it can't control the way I feel. It has brought me to my knees and made me realize how weak I am, and given me eyes to see the strength that I've always possessed. It has drawn me closer to God than I ever deserve to be. It can do the same for you too.There. I don't know if that will ease your mind...but it sure felt good typing it all out for you to read. And now you have something to bookmark for the next time life throws you a curveball. I don't wish it upon any of you- but hope it's comforting to know you will survive.
Have you ever run over a skunk? How many people, on average, drive over skunks? You see, Chip (my hubby) and I were driving along the other night when suddenly there was a thump and an awful odor. Yep. We ran over a skunk- doing about 65 mph on the freeway. A theologically-based discussion followed which went something like this:I say, "Why on earth did we have to be the ones to hit a skunk?"He says, "People drive over skunks all the time. It's not just us."Me, "I understand that people hit various animals while in their vehicles, but why did we have to hit a skunk? God could have made that skunk run the other direction. Or He could have made it run a bit slower so that the people behind us would have hit the skunk. Or He could have skipped creating skunks altogether. So, why us?"Chip says, "Just get over it. Stuff like this can happen to anyone...deal with it."Me, "I get it. But we had our daughter killed already- so couldn't God at least have somebody else hit the skunk?"Chip, "Can we just stop talking about all this?"So, here I am. Wondering still...do people run over skunks all the time and I have just been lucky for the past 33 years to never have hit one? Would love to hear from you if you have run over a skunk. Just so I know God is not punishing me for something in this life.
Doesn't everybody have a Mom that made so many Christmas cookies when they were growing up that you kind of just "learned" the recipes from watching and doing? I hope so- because that is one of the things you can't pick up later on without a lot of effort or money for cooking classes. My kids are well on their way to making some things when they get older, including my zucchini bread- I make that almost every week it seems...and I promise to post the recipe this week. Good stuff. Healthy too!So, being raised in a home where my mom stayed home and gardened and sewed and made big meals with company over every Sunday and where we had fresh-baked after-school snacks almost everyday, I didn't realize that this wasn't happening to every other kid in America. I just took it as "normal" and accepted that this is how life was. Now that I'm grown and I've watched reruns of 'Leave It to Beaver', I've learned I was one lucky kid. Make that one of five lucky kids.Now my biggest challenge in life is living up to the kind of example my mom was to me and trying to turn that around and become the same thing for my own kids. That's one of the reasons I bake and make stuff and sing around the house... I'm hoping a little bit of it will rub off on my kids so that they will feel lucky when they grow up and look back. Only they will be watching reruns of Malcom in the Middle or Everybody Loves Raymond. That was a long intro just to say "Here's how you make sprinkled pretzels." You go out and buy the packaged blocks of almond bark. I got mine at Wal-Mart...they come in chocolate and vanilla. You break the blocks into smaller pieces and melt them over low heat in a saucepan for about 8-10 min. You want the chocolate to be fairly thin...that it will drip from a spoon of pretzel stick. Next, coat your pretzel sticks or other pretzel shapes in the almond bark and then lay them on a sheet of parchment or wax paper to harden just a bit. Sprinkle with candy pieces, or melt some of the opposite color chocolate (ie. white on dark chocolate or dark on white) and drizzle back and forth across your pretzels. You can do these with crushed nuts or m&m's or probably a hundred different candies. It's that easy! Maybe I will start posting a recipe of the week. I think you'd all love my {easy!} Baked Caramel French Toast too. Yum. Might have to make that this week...I'm making myself hungry.
Five years ago Wyndham came into our lives as a tiny peanut- weighing just 4 lbs 6 oz...but she was healthy and we were a happy family of 5. Had we known she would have critical health concerns and major trauma in the next few years {including 3 ambulance rides and 2 medical helicopter airides} - it would have sapped the happiness we felt that day. Instead, we have taken her life one day at a time, steps forward and back- for the past 5 years. We have learned about what truly matters in this world, and how attitude can make or break a person in their weakest moments. Wyndham has been a fighter at every turn in her life. She has taught everyone around her that challenges are a part of life and are opportunities to become a better person. Her zest and joy in the little things is contagious. Her abilities outshine her limitations. We have no idea how much this little girl can overcome- but we know she will always give her best. As her Mom, I am fortunate to be a part of that journey- and I can't wait to see what her future holds. This is a sweet day for our family...celebrating the life of our little Wyndham!
This picture would not be possible without the help of modern medicine. You see, Wyndham has had some close encounters with death and we've had doctors (yes, I meant to type that in plural) tell us it's a miracle she's alive. Every day that I go into her room and wake her up, I say, "thank you God for Wyndham in my life." She is a charmer. She doesn't speak, but definitely has ways of letting you know what she wants or that she understands you. She knows about 150 signs- and uses them off and on- but not consistently. She is walking on her own- although that is inconsistent as well. We marvel at her abilities and her desire to try to do certain things. She has a tough spirit- sometimes it is so strong it makes my own spirit look weak. We have no definitive prognosis {Wyndham has a shunt that was placed after a closed-head injury at age 7 months.}; we are told by her doctors to keep pushing her because you never know what can happen. We try to treat her like all the other kids. We live a normal life. I say a lot of prayers for her and mostly leave her issues in God's hands. However He wants her to grow and learn and develop is up to Him. I do what I can as her Mom. On Wednesday, Wyndham will turn 5. It's a day that we never thought we would see- looking back on her critical state. Tonight we had a pre-birthday party. Pizza, cake, ice cream and candles. Wyndham sang along with all of us when we sang "Happy Birthday" to her. It was so cute. Of course I have pictures- and I plan on posting bday pics as well as others of her this week. She deserves a lot of celebrating this week. And I couldn't be more proud to be a part of this little girl's life. Wyndham is the love of my heart!
Whoa. I reread my statement from yesterday and feared that unless I post something a bit more upbeat I could risk losing all 10 of you consistent blog fans of mine! I have mixed emotions after yesterday's entry, but what stands out most to me is the statement regarding "this horrible woman who has destroyed my life." I read that now and realize that it is no longer true in my life. My life may have been temporarily destroyed- but I am happy to say that in just 4 short years I have a lot of happiness, joy and gratitude in life. In fact, if you met me and my family out and about somewhere, or saw us dining together or doing some other daily ritual you would probably think we were just another ordinary family. We bear very few physical scars and would probably surprise you with the amount of smiles and laughs we share after living through some horrible things. I guess I am proud of that in a sense.
