It works. =)

Just had to post pics of me wearing the apron that I was sewing in the previous post. Just don't look too closely at the stitching. I'm definitely 'learning' as I go. =)
Anyway, I would like to play around and modify the pattern {again} on my next attempt. Thanks again, Leslie...for making me want to do this! So fun to just see scraps of material turn into something wearable. Wow. I will not gripe about the price of sewn clothing for awhile now. Especially of the items have buttons or zippers. =)
And with that, I am off to whip up some lemon bars...ala my apron, of course! Who knows? I may have to open an Etsy shoppe soon.

Gripping.

Last night I clicked over to my email inbox and had a few messages from some of my CA Nitty.Gritty. readers. They were each moved by a local story, and I just had to share it and my thoughts with all of you.
This story is gonna grab you. It will rip your heart out. If you have loved or lost someone in your lifetime, you will connect.
I was moved to tears last night; I fell alseep crying and praying for this family; they were the first ones on my heart and mind when I awoke.
The news story is here. And another one here. The family memorial site is here. There are no words to offer them any source of comfort at this time. Nothing. I lost Teagan and lost the childhood Wyndham should have had...and all the things she may never do because of her head injuries. I've had my share of moments of despair, I've spent all day in tears at times, but nothing I have experienced can begin to wrap my mind around the all-consuming grief and heartache that these parents, Chris and Lori, will have to bear for the rest of thier lives.
I am writing all this, not to 'glamorize' their story or to turn their kids into 'celebrities' of my blog, but to say it the best I can. This could be you. Or you. Or you or even you. It's what I have been telling people since the day of our incident- that life has no guarantees. The unexpected can come from out of nowhere. This time it was a perfectly, sunny California day, just after noon, on the slowed freeway.
I wrote about it here, when I asked what would you do if disaster struck you? Do you have a 'disaster plan' in place should the unimaginable occur? I can think of only One thing that will carry this family and friends through the darkest valley that life can lead them through. That is faith in the One who created the valley; the One who has walked through the valley; and the Only One I know who can bring you through life's valleys. God can't be to blame, even though it makes no sense in our human minds why something like this had to happen. It has been my experience that "bad stuff" happens, and we can't begin to know why...but we simply in faith, must trust. That's what's faith is. It is telling God that you don't understand His ways, you may not even like them at times, they will hurt, they will cause pain, they will not make sense, and yet, all God asks from any of us is that we simply trust Him to be true. We need not have answers. We don't even have to be 'strong' or 'holy' or 'perfect' all the time. We can and are expected to cry at times, to be angry at times, to have questions, to ask questions, to want to run the other way, to be afraid, to be confused, to be numb, to be hurt. BUT, if we constantly give all that we are to God...even if it's just a messed up, broken shell of who we are, God will take the pieces of us, and in some miraculous way, He begins to make sense out of our horror. He can bring beauty out of ahses. He can bring Joy out of overwhelming grief.
I can't explain it. I can't begin to tell you how He does it or why it has to be this way in life, but I can tell you that it is REAL. It 's what God has been doing since Adam and Eve sinned and messed things up for the rest of all for all time.
God has a plan. It's told about and is continually unfolding according to the way He said it would happen in the Bible. At times of pain and sorrow, it may seem that God has forgotten us in the middle of that plan, but the truth is He is the same- yesterday, today and tomorrow. The Bible says that God is good. It also tells us that He never changes. Therefore, no matter how difficult the circumstance, no matter how horrific the pain, no matter if it's ourselves or someone else that 'messed up' our lives, we can trust that God can use whatever it is, and make something beautiful out of the mess. Every single time.
The problem lies not in the pain and the mess and the sadness and the unbelievable-ness, but in the response of our hearts when the unimaginable occurs. THAT is what makes the difference between joy and sorrow. Between recovery and 'death'. Between overcoming and defeat. Between living a life with meaning, or simply getting by.
I cannot begin to know what it will take for the Cobles to be able to see light and happiness in life once again. I do not know that they have what it takes. But I am praying that they will hand their hurt, their pain, their sorrow, their shattered, broken hearts and all the hopes and dreams they had for their beautiful little children, to God, and simply allow Him to hold their lives in His hands. It won't be easy. It will demand their hearts, their minds, their souls. But I believe that there is something amazing, something unbelievable, something that can only be described as a 'miracle' ready to happen in their lives.
Please join me in prayer for this family, as they begin this journey toward finding their miracle.

Nitty.Gritty. sewing machine.

Thanks to my mother-in-law, Karen, I have had the opportunity to do some sewing. For about the last 7 years. I finally took that opportunity today. Not that I haven't appreciated the machine, nor that it hasn't been used {Grandma Karen uses it every time she visits me!}, but for me to use it for something besides sewing on paper or doing a little hem here or there is a big step!
Thanks to a talented blogger/knitter/sewer/baker online new friend of mine, Leslie, I was inspired to try making an apron. It's nearly finished...from start to finish in one day. If it turns out to be 'wearable' when I'm finished with it, I will post another picture here. =)
Hopefully you'll see me sporting my new apron soon!
Sew. What did you DO today? I know lots of you do projects. Do tell.

Spring flowers.

Just wanted to share these sweet pics of Ava as she picked some little flowers yesterday. I think spring is finally here in west Michigan. It's taken awhile longer than usual, but it's still nice to have it arrive.
These other flowers are some of my favorite from Basic Grey (scrapbookers know who I'm talking about here) and in honor of National Scrapbooking Day (yes, there is a day for scrapbooking!) I thought I'd post a little something that sits on my counter and gets used often. Nothing like combining two passions...paper products and Satrbucks- to get a custom tumbler. =) Have a great weekend!
Tell me what the weather is like at your house today! We'll compare 'springs'.

If life were so simple...

First. Some pictures of my kiddos this week, because some of my family stops by here to see them, and aren't as interested in my cupcakes or thoughts on scrapping. I loved the smile I caught on Wyndham. So natural, so her. And Ava? I'm still trying to figure out how I can 'sneak' a picture of her actually looking at my camera, and still just doing whatever it is she's doing at that moment. I'm open to suggestions, because in this picture of her actually looking at me, I asked her to show me the color of her eyes. When she still didn't look, I said, "Are they purple or pink today?", which was a really interesting question for her. She really thought that maybe they had changed from brown to pink or purple. I snapped the picture- even though she had a funny expression, because at this point, I'll just take what I can get from her. =)
Then there's the blurry one of Brock and Bella. Because I still can't figure out the settings on my cameras which will allow me to take crisp, bright photos. I'm working on that too. Really, I am. In the meantime, at least I have a little something that proves that Bella and Brock DO get along and love each other from time to time. I keep telling them that someday they will go weeks without talking, as me and my brothers often do, and so they should be really happy for all this time they have together. Right now. I don't know if they're buying it, but more often than not, I still find them liking one another and having fun. So I like to think they ARE getting it.
Then there's me and a can of Calm. Have you seen this line of soda/energy drink? It's really tasty...like the old Everfresh carbonated juice they used to make in the bottles. Chip and I used to drink a lot of that stuff. This can happened to be 'designed' in a way that made me want to buy it- more than the contents. Cute color, slim, tall can. Loved the simple logo. And the idea behind it...that drinking something could produce a certain affect...well, they got me. I don't know if it actually works or not. Or maybe I would have to drink a whole lot of it for the desired resultm, but still, it's a great thought regardless. I grabbed another can called 'Radiant'. I'm sure I'd need at least a case to begin to see that start to work in my life!
It's such a gimmick, and it's such a novel idea, and yet I hope nobody is actually buying this kind of stuff thinking that a little carbonated, no calorie, no caffeine, no sugar, no carb drink will actually be able to produce something really great in their life like a calm spirit, or a radiant personality or any other wonderful character quality they are looking for.
If it were as simple as consuming a little beverage, the whole world would look a lot calmer and prettier. But I think we all know that life isn't that easy.
However, I am finding that sometimes we tend to make it more difficult than it needs to be. And if a little soda makes one stop and think and opens their eyes to the possibilities in life, well then drink up, my friends. By now, it's no secret where I think the best character qualities and strength in life come from. Through a growing spiritual awareness and faith, and the reality that there is more to this life than meets the eye. For me, 'drinking in the truth that comes from God' is the best way {the Only Way!} that I have found that actually produces the desired results and offers me opportunities to grow and become a better person. One day at a time.

Taking back control. =)

Hi. It's just Nitty.Gritty. me again. I had a post partially written and saved last night. But, as I sat down to finish it, I decided to ask Chip if he wanted a turn writing Nitty.Gritty. again. As you saw, he took me up on that offer. I had no idea what he would blog about. He's threatened to 'shut this blog down' several times, and doesn't always get what I write about, so, it was a bit of a risk for me- just to turn this place over to him.I was laughing as I pulled up and read his post...and told him he should get a real blog of his own. I'd read it. =)
Truly, though, if you had been in our home yesterday morning, you would have gotten a real dose of what life throws at us sometimes. It was classic Nitty.Gritty. stuff. First of all, Chip and I had stayed up way too late the night before, and then Bella was awake early- with crusty eyes and a runny nose. She needed some calming down before we even had the chance to sit up. Next, I went downstairs to waken Brock, only to step in soggy carpet just outside the door of his room. Wet, soggy carpet...that shouldn't have been wet at all. Yep. It was a home repair that needed immediate attention. So, Chip headed off to Home Depot. I was left to get the kids ready for school, and was just hoping to get everyone in their respective places by the time the bell rang. =) That hot shower I was hoping for with the Buttercream Frosting shower gel was one of the first things to get 'axed' from my "list-of-things-I-wanted-to-do-but-instead-life-is-demanding-otherwise" list. That and my morning brewed coffee.
By the time Chip came back home, I think we both were expecting to be greeted with growing sarcasm and disgust for the way things were going...at not yet 7:30am.
Instead, I think we joked about how we should have guessed this kind of morning would occur, because we had enjoyed a nice day/evening the previous one. You know, that whole top of the mountain followed by the valley kind of thinking? For us, the 'mountain' is often when things are just going okay; we thrive on that. So when a day goes well, or even a few days, we sort of mentally prepare ourselves that something certainly could be just around the corner.
Maybe we are just getting good at preparing ourselves for the valleys, but I think it had to do with some prayers that people were saying on behalf of our family, but unbeknownst to us. That and I just am getting more and more determined to try to laugh through the 'crazy' stuff. The stuff I can't control in life- that happens...it just happens.
It happened to be a sewer pump and a sick 4 year old missing her favorite day of the week at preschool ("Girls' Show & Tell Day...every Wednesday") and lack of sleep. I can handle that. Really, I just told myself things could be so much worse. I'm beginning to realize that falling apart at the seams over stuff like this is just not worth my time, energy, stress levels, and the tension that it creates between Chip and me, and then translates to the kids. In the end, granted, it's taken a long time and a lot of trials and valleys and 'big stuff' for me to see this, but I DO see, that it's just the way life goes- so I am learning to take the ride and not let the ride take me. Does that make sense?
You know what happened this time around? Instead of anger and chaos and yelling and all the fun stuff that has happened in previous episodes like this one, there was smiling, and I even got a quick shower and hair done, and had an extra minute to hug Chip and thank him for keeping his cool too. There wasn't any major 'drama'...and in fact, it sort of felt like we'd just 'won something'. Like an invisible arm-wrestling match or something. I don't know how to explain it, but things- as unexpected and not so thrilling as they were- turned out to be alright. A couple hundred dollars (I hate spending money on stuff like sewer pumps!!) later, and a few rough spots with Bella because of missing school and having goopey eyes, and we never did get caught up on sleep, nor did I get my coffee...but still. It wasn't as bad as it used to be, and it wasn't nearly as bad as some people spent their days.
In fact, I think it's one of the first times my Fed Ex man has ever seen me with my hair and make-up done. That's how good the day ended up. =)
It wasn't perfect-far from it- but I can honestly say, "My sewer pump broke and soaked the carpet, causing us to have to spend unexpected time and money- which I really don't like to have to do...but I still had a good day."
That was yesterday. Today was much better. Thanks for asking. =) My intent is not to brag on myself nor to complain about my troubles, but to serve as a reminder for the next time things don't go so well. Chip can say to me, "go back and read your Nitty.Gritty. post about the day things weren't going all that hot and you still survived". And if I'm smart, I'll be reminded, and take my own advice. Life is so much about how we respond to the things that come at us. I can't say enough about following the path toward happiness, resolution, understanding, and letting go. It makes a world of difference!

Nitty Gritty Hubby Is Back. (I can't believe I just referred to myself as that)

Please tell me where my wife has gone. It all started a little over a month ago, when I decided to purchase a new car. When I say purchase you must realize that my wife is a charter and only member for the Ferlaak family security council, meaning she has veto power. This power usually gets exercised often. As I decided to purchase this vehicle and was about to call my wife to get the official approval, I hearkened back to a memory from several years ago when a former boss was in a similar situation. After he test drove a new car he called his wife for approval, which turned into a veto, he then said, "nothing life a wife to ruin all your hopes and dreams." Much to my surprise she said to do it, and then she showed no buyers remorse for my purchase (she is usually the queen of buyers remorse).
Strange event number two occur ed when I proposed a trip with my buddies to celebrate all of our turning 40, this was also met with approval, sort of.
Strange event number three occurred this morning when our basement sewage pump went out leaving our carpet wet and the pump in need of replacement. There was no anger, no "just my life's". I felt like the Grinch when after he took all the presents, he heard the Who's in Whoville singing.
Please, if anyone has seen my wife, tell her to stay away:)

Happy May Day!

I loved May Day as a little girl. I even hand-sewed those little plastic sheets together with yarn one year to make my baskets, which I filled with little goodies, probably a few 'flowers' from my moms garden, and then delivered them to the neighbors. I loved that my girls got little 'baskets' at preschool yesterday, and were as excited about them as I'm sure I would have been too.
I am such a big believer in 'the little things really matter most'. I can't help but think that stuff like May Day and making cupcakes for 'no special reason', and making up inside jokes (Hey Brock...10! or Bella...24!) just to share laughs together will actually be some of the things my kids grow up and fondly remember, as adults themselves.
I know I was a 'spoiled kid' when I grew up. I had two parents, who loved me always, they disciplined me to SHOW how much they loved me, they had expectations, boundaries, encouragement, chores, faith, failures, financial guidance, work ethics and much more. Opportunities were available to me- not because we had a lot of money or connections, but because I had a stable family environment, an appreciation for learning, and a whole big world waiting for me to explore. I was lucky. I know that now- more than I did back then. I appreciate my childhood and all that I was given...and recognize how undeserved any of that was. It's just the way it was.
I am trying to figure out now, as an adult and a Mom and a REALLY FORTUNATE person in this world, how I can pass on some of the blessings I've been given in life to my kids, and even to those who I have often 'overlooked' or chided in life.
My pastor has been doing a series of messages about "Justice and Mercy". It really is something that has been on my heart for a long while now...and I just know that there is something that I need to do, that I am blessed to be in position to do, and really, my next move, is to just do it.
I would love to challenge anybody reading, to think about all that you've been given in this life, and to look for a small way that you can give back a portion of that blessing to someone or to an organization that reaches out to the poor, the downcast, the broken-hearted.
I think it's not just the recent sermon messages, but the reality of my life- the blessings overflowing, and the time of year- spring. It makes me think of new life and the joy that bursts forth when things are 'new again'. I want my life to be a reflection of not just what I've been given...but more importantly, what I can give back. I know that I will never be a Mother Theresa or someone who gives a lifetime of selfless love and care, but I can give. I think it's one of the first steps in being a merciful person- recognizing that you CAN do or give something...and then acting on that.
I posted a quote here last week which said, "Ordinary does not mean insignificant". That hit home to me, because for so many years, I believed I was just one little individual (one "middle child, slightly overweight, never-thought-I-was-good-at-anything, wondering what in the world I could possibly do with my ordinary life"), and it has taken me years, {even after all that love and support and opportunity I had over the years!}, to finally get it through my head, that THIS is who I am. THIS is who God made me to be. THIS is where I am in life...and while it's true, I may just be one regular, ordinary person living my routine life, I still have opportunities at every turn, to give to others. No matter what it is I choose to do, no matter who it is that I can touch, THAT is my opportunity to be significant in this life. Middle child, busy mom, not-so-perfect wife, not-even close to being a saint, ordinary me.
I'm sorry to say that I have wasted years of my life trying to figure out what the world had to offer me...when in truth, the world and all its hurt has been waiting on me. Today I am moving past ordinary, and hoping to be a little bit significant in this world- not because I'm so great or extraordinary, but because I have been given so much!
Also, to follow up yesterday's little game, Bella 'helped me' randomly pick three comments...so 'Puddingfor brains', Susan from Portage, and Diana from Texas, send me your snail mail address if you want a Nitty.Gritty. card. {nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com} Thanks for playing in the comments...that WAS fun. =)

Tag...You're It!

I was 'tagged' a few days back by my friend, Mary H. {hi Mary!} and am just now getting around to playing the game. It's the one where you are supposed to reveal 7 random facts about yourself...which I always find funny...because I could probably easily list 100 or more. I'm that weird. =)
Here are 7, just to get started.
1. I have a credit card at age 34, that I have had since age 16.
2. I used to tear off my "Far Side Desktop Calendar" pages each day and ended up wallpapering two of my bedroom walls when I was in high school. I still love the Far Side.
3. I love Calvin and Hobbes too.
4. I made my favorite "Baked Caramel French Toast" not long ago...and didn't blog about it even though it made everyone's morning. Ava said with each bite, "Mmmmm, Mommy...this is 'BElicious'. It was so cute. Reminded me of the scene in the movie 'What About Bob' where Bob is eating dinner with the fam, and says, "Mmmmm...is this corn 'hand-shucked'?" Funny movie.
5. I still can't believe that I wanted to go shopping instead of wait in line for 3 hours to ride out to the Pearl Harbor Memorial when I was on my honeymonn in Hawaii. I was SOOO naive back then. I'm still sometimes surprised that Chip asked ME to marry HIM! {Love you, Chip! More than you know sometimes.}
6. My favorite Bible verses are 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." Just helps me keep things in perspective...and I take great comfort that my pain and heartache in life has purpose- makes things in life more bearable for me.
7. I sometimes blog about cupcakes when I have something 'heavier weighing on my heart and mind'. But I still love cupcakes.
And now...if you want to play along, leave a comment and list 7 random facts about YOU! I'd love to read about some of the crazy things that make you-you. =) And I'll pick a couple people from the list on Tuesday...to get a cupcake card from me. Have fun playing "tag"!

Polka dots, the color orange, coconut and cupcakes...

Simply happy about a color, a pattern, a recipe and one of my favorite foods. Coconut. As Teagan so affectionately termed it..."CocoDot". =)

I found this picture and recipe for Carrot Cake Cupcakes at Martha Stewart's website. I haven't made them myself (still haven't gotten around to the S'mores cupcakes yet either!), but I have big dreams. =) If you know me in the least, you know that I am a big fan of carrot cake. Really good carrot cake. With coconut and walnuts. My mom made my carrot cake wedding cake...and I think she has the best recipe ever. I have it somewhere. But I plan to give this recipe a try too. Just to compare. =)
Ingredients-
Serving: Makes 12
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup vegetable oil
2 tablespoons orange juice
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons flour
1 1/2 cups shredded carrots
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/4 cup shredded coconut, plus more for garnish
8 ounces cream cheese, (room temperature)
3/4 cup confectioners? sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions-
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Make the cupcakes: In a bowl, combine sugar, vegetable oil, orange juice, vanilla extract, and eggs.
Stir in baking powder, baking soda, allspice, and salt. Add flour; mix. Stir in carrots, walnuts, and coconut.
Oil a standard muffin tin or line with paper cups; distribute batter evenly.
Bake until toothpick inserted in centers comes out clean, 25 minutes. Let cool before frosting. Garnish with toasted shredded coconut.
Make the icing: In a mixing bowl, combine cream cheese, confectioners’ sugar, and vanilla extract. Whisk until smooth.

Taking a step back...

Hi and thanks for all the well-wishes via comments and email. Seems a lot of us were in the same boat the past couple of days...not feeling so hot (actually I was either *hot* or *freezing*...and relied on Rapid Release Extra Strength Tylenol for fever/aches just to be able to function as I still had to drop off and pick up kids...and make meals) and a number of you wanted to crawl into bed and wait for the funk to pass.
I think I am on the mend, and even had enough energy to grab a few groceries...and I rode the cart all the way to my van in the parking lot. That's a good sign that I'm almost back to my full-blown Nitty.Gritty. self. =) Oh yeah. I grabbed a Starbucks on the way home with that $5 dollars corporate added to my gift card. Things are looking brighter already, and it's not even noon here. =)
I used to get so bummed out when I got sick- and I'm still not thrilled when it happens- but it reminds me of how much I appreciate my health and the fact that I have it so easy compared to so many others who have ongoing struggles in life. I know of a family who is facing the impending death of their young son to cancer- as I type this. He has only hours or maybe a few days to live. Imagine what they would give to simply be able to pop some Tylenol and things would be much brighter. Pray for the Gallachers if think of them, and appreciate the fact that life is bright in contrast to their hurt at this time.
Another family is hurting every single day as they awake to the reality that their little 3 year old princess died accidentally a couple of months ago. This family is walking through pain and heartache- that I am all too familiar with- and I know they think life will never be bright again. I hurt for them and the fact that death has touched their family in such a tragic and sudden way, that they wake to disbelief every morning...their sweet Ava is gone...and they are left wondering why.
I think of others who wake to addiction- their main thought and focus is getting that next hit- sometimes sacrificing relationships and jobs and missing out on real Joy and happiness in life...simply because they are controlled by something bigger than they. How my heart hurts for these indivduals who can't 'break free' and live the life they were created to live.
I think of families and men and women who are in far away places, serving our country and sacrificing so much...for what many people don't believe is in the best interest of all of us involved. How their hearts must be torn. Each day they give- more than most of us will ever be asked to give- without question, and they do so willing and proudly. Yet, I know that they must yearn to be home and living the comforts we enjoy because of their service, alongside their family and at their jobs- simply living and enjoying their routine life. I pray for them and all they have been asked to give and to do. While not everyone agrees with the ways and the whys, we can still pray for those who give so selflessly at such a time as this.
So, even though I was running on a little less energy, it was a great reminder to me that I have so much to be thankful for, and to never take the little things in my life for granted. Like my health and being able to open my freezer and whip up some mint shakes for my kids, in the comforts of our home. Which by the way, I have to 'hand-mix' my shakes because our blender broke awhile back, and we haven't replaced it yet. I figure it's a little extra work...but my arm muscles can always use that...and it makes me grateful that I actually HAVE arm muscles that can mix a shake and make some kids happy. {Toss some hard-packed icecream into a bowl, add some milk or cream, and stir or smash with a masher utensil until well blended. Add malt powder for an extra bit of flavor. Top with whipped cream, a chocolate curl or chips or sprinkles or drizzle some Hershey's on top...and Voila! You're kids or friends think you're a culinary icecream expert!}
Lastly, in regards to the title...'Taking a step back'....I scrapped a layout using the pictures of me and my youngest brother, Jeff, which I can't post, because it was submitted for publication. But in doing this layout, it too, has reminded me, how life really takes us all by surprise sometimes...and that reaffirms to me, that Someone bigger than me is in control. Always. Jeff came into our lives at just five days old, when his birth mother 'chose' to place him with our family. My parents weren't considering adoption or adding more children to our family (there were already four of us, ages 2-8), but fate and destiny had other plans for Jeff. I'm sure his birth mother questioned and cried and struggled with her decision to give him up...and yet, she was ultimately struggling with a 'Force' bigger than she probably knew. I have to believe that although life hurts, and doesn't always make sense, that there is a faith we can trust in- no matter what our future holds.
I know it sounds 'sick', but running a fever and having ahces and chills, was a good reminder to me, and I hope for you too, that life is full of ups and downs and even straightaways at times, but when we have assurance of our future, we can rest and take comfort that there is a brighter day coming. Sometimes I can hardly wait! But in the meantime, I'm gonna ride the grocery carts, make shakes with my kids, pray for others who hurt, and thank God for all He's given me.

One of those days.

That's what today is for me...been feeling a little bit achy and tired and worn out all day long. It's cold (high is 48 degrees here), wet and just doesn't feel much like spring. Fortunately, although we had to be up early around here for Brock to get to school and Wyndham to make it to a doctor appointment, I was able to pull the covers back up while Bella climbed into the bed next to me and watched Noggin. I dozed a bit...and then hit the Extra Strength Tylenol. I don't do that often, which is a good thing.
It's just one of those days, where I'm happy to pull out the paints and watch the girls do art, throw in and wash only two loads of laundry, play around with some of my scrap goodies, and read 'Treasury of Curious George' while the spaghetti pie bakes up for dinner.
That's what's happening in my neck of the woods. Feel free to tell me what's happening in yours. When I'm feeling better, I just might randomly draw a 'comment' and send you a "I'm feeling better card." =)
Here's to sunshine and energy levels...which really, can't be all that far away!
Edited:
Here is the link to my recipe for Spaghetti Pie. Enjoy! I actually perked up for a few minutes at dinner...and made Mint Meltaway hand-mixed shakes with a squirt of whipped cream on top. I know the weight-loss people and psychology experts would scorn me for using 'food' to feel better. But I'd argue, "it works!". =) Whipped cream makes almost any situation better. {wink}

Strawberries and scrapping...

These pictures represent a snippet of my day. I thought I'd share a picture of one of the healthy snacks we ate, since I'm always sharing cupcakes and thoughts on Cheetos and such.

Tonight we had breakfast for dinner. It's been a weekly occurrence around here lately. But probably one of the healthiest meals that I can prepare that my kids actual eat! So, that's what I make...whole grain cinnamon swirl French toast, with low-fat sausage links or some other protein (once in awhile they will even eat veggie-meat...Chip's been doing that), with a side of fruit (tonight it was these red, juicy 99 cent berries) or sauteed apples, and milk.

I also baked zucchini bread today...so I'm feeling a little better about the Cheetos that we all downed yesterday. =)

Berries and Scrap In STyle TV. I'm doing some things that you will have to wait and see on May 15th when the website goes live. I can tell you that you will enjoy all of our headshots...among other things on this site. It's fun for me already...and we're still getting to know each other on the design team and as well as the 'brains' behind this place, and working out the kinks in the website itself...and it still is a blast!

I can't tell you much more than that, but whether or not you are a scrapper, you are going to want to check this place out in a few weeks.

By the way, I just want to say thanks to so many 'newcomers' for emails and comments the past couple of weeks. Ali Edwards linked my blog on hers, and some of you are still getting caught up on my posts from the past year or so. Thanks for your kind words. I've emailed a lot of you back...then I found some more emails in my bulk mail today (most of them had links or attachments...so if that's you, I may still be getting around to sending you a short note back), and I just wanted you to know I've read your notes and appreciated all your kind words. In addition, one of my 'Anonymous' commenters and I have share emails, and the apologies and forgiveness have been shared between us. I am so happy about that and the way that healing comes about when one person seeks forgiveness and another person extends it.

That is what the world needs in addition to healthy diets...healthy hearts and minds! It feels so good to have a 'clean slate'. =) I would encourage any of you reading, who is still holding onto anything against someone, to pray and ask for strength to forgive...and then actually do it. It isn't about giving up your anger or hurt. I still hurt everyday because Teagan was killed by a woman who shows no remorse. But my forgiveness toward her has given me the freedom to live my life without holding onto bitterness- which wouldn't hurt the woman who killed Teagan- but instead it would have destroyed MY heart.

I, truly, can't say enough about how forgiving allows your heart to heal and gives you a new take on life. Having an unforgiving spirit holds you back and keeps you from experiencing the fullness of joy you could have if you can only surrender that hurt. It'd not easy. I used to have to get up every morning and literally say the words, "I forgive, because Christ forgives me"...and then I had to live as though that were true. After awhile, it actually became my reality. My anger turned to sorrow and compassion, and I realized, that my words weren't just words, but I was living the truth of those words each day.

It's been a process, and a journey, but one that has changed my life for the better in ways I never could have dreamed. Simply by saying, then believing, and then living my life in that truth. Forgiveness heals your soul.

Beyond "Dukes of Hazard" and Cheetos...

I'm not sure that I can make sense of the title of this post, but I will do my best to express my thoughts. Again...this is mostly for me, as I sit and question and process and wonder and just push the thoughts and beliefs I hold about life- so, really, it only needs to make sense to me. If you happen to be able to glean something from all this, well than I consider that bonus...and that you are really smart to understand what I am trying to put into words. My own hubby struggles with what I am trying to say much of the time...and he lives with me! =)
Chip would probably say, "here you go, saying the same stuff again", but sometimes I have to tell myself those same things over and over just so that I 'get them' and believe them to be tried and true. Basically, as a result of a series of things, the Virginia Tech shootings, several emails with questions that relate to my life and how I have handled tragedy, a personal situation with a struggling family member, and friend, as well as speaking on Sunday and re-watching video of ourselves on Oprah talking about forgiveness and what that means in life...and then today, I enjoyed the final session and study with my Tuesday morning Mom's group, where we talked about Heaven.
All these things have been going on in my head for a long time, off and on, but more in depth over the past few days. One of the things that I couldn't get out of my head for some reason one afternoon, were the words of the (original) Dukes of Hazard theme song. You know, "Just two good ol' boys, never meaning no harm. It's all they ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they were born. Making their way, the only way they know how..." Those words made me think of how so many of us are living our lives each day. We don't intentionally look for trouble, or set out with the belief that life is going to have us 'jumping over small bodies of water' or off-roading it through bumps and thickets or running like mad because we happened to be in the right place at the wrong time.
Take marriage for example. A young, engaged couple more often than not, are charting their future and imagining this dream life together, with happiness and wonderment as they begin their 'new life together'. Most of them don't really stop and imagine what life would be like if the worse part of the 'for better or worse' actually became reality. Ask almost any young couple, and they would probably say that 'their love can endure anything that comes their way" or that "as long as we have each other, that's all that matters'.
Or take the single person. A young woman for example. She probably believes that there is such a thing as "Mr. Right". She's got a picture in her mind that life is gonna be grand as soon as he comes into the picture. Or the couple that is hoping beyond hopes, and thinking that the one thing that would make life perfect, is the longing in their hearts to have a child, and raise a family. Some can't figure out why it's not happening the way they hoped and 'planned' for it to happen, and instead, they are living a 'nightmare'- one of pain and hurt and unfulfilled longings in their heart. They look at their friends who have what they want, and this burning desire now begins to create tension in their marriage, friendships, and their whole outlook on life.
For whatever reason, often at no fault of our own, life rarely (if ever, as far as I'm concerned) pans out the way we want or expect it to.
What we're left with is a world of people living the Dukes of Hazard theme song in life. People are just "trying to get by", or left hurt that the world has let them down. Some are overwhelmed with worry and fear or anger and bitterness. Each day brings the reality of the injustice of their situation, rather than the opportunity for dreams to be fulfilled.
Right about now, things start to look and sound really depressing and bleak. Kind of how the Bo and Luke Duke felt just as the General Lee was 'frozen' in mid-air with Roscoe and Boss Hog hot on their tail, as the announcer paused for a television break. Things weren't looking as though life was going in their favor.
Another way of putting it is an example that came to my mind as I just ate lunch with my girls. We were having sandwiches, bananas, Cheetos and milk. My girls all wanted to eat the Cheetos first. As a mom, I have a hard time finding balance at meals with toddlers, because they always want the 'junk food' first. I try to give them mostly healthy options, but I'll admit we do eat plenty of refines sugars on any given day. It made me think of how I am like that in life- even as a grown up. The things I want to fill my life with are often "easy, comfortable, fun, entertaining, indulgent, and good"...for a moment or two. Anything of real value, or substance, often demands my time, energy, peak performance, will-power, my body, mind and strength. Somedays, I would just like to put my feet up and let life happen. I'd love to eat bon-bons and let the world pass me by- with no thought to trouble or the cares that I have each day. Like a real-life day at the beach in my own home.
But it just doesn't happen like that. Yet, this is where it gets tricky, in a sense, because I don't ever want to come across as boasting about my life, but I have learned in all things, in every circumstance, that I can be content. I can live without fear, or guilt or worry, or even that life is going to be 'fair'. I have been on a journey, and I continue to seek do live life to the best of my ability, even if I fail big time, or get hurt along the way.
I think I have said this before, but one of the driving 'forces' in my life has been the realization and absolute certainty in my mind, that this life is not the end. I truly believe there is a future, an eternity, beyond what we can see. That belief has led to a great peace in my life, and it's what makes me pick up and keep going even when the whole world seems to 'be against me'. One of my favorite quotes, by a quadraplegic woman named Joni Eareckson Tada, is this, "True contentment means asking less of this life, because more is coming in the next".
Life, so many times, is like the bag of Cheetos my girls and I sat munching at lunchtime. It looked yummy (Wyndham loves the color orange!), and tastes good and crunches and is very satisfying, for the first handful or two. But I know that Cheetos offer very little, if any nutritional value, and I know that they won't fill my girls up for very long, or give them long-term energy. I know that too many Cheetos makes them want their 'healthy food' even less, and that if left to their own devices, they would eat too many and actually make themselves sick!
In my own life, this has been true. For many years, I was 'living the easy life', and although I still knew that I loved God and I knew if I died that I would go to Heaven, I was still loading up on too many "Cheetos" in life and I felt like I was trying to do everything right, but in the end, no matter what 'goal' I reached, there was a longing and emptiness inside of me.
I know I have a long way to go yet, but I have, in the past couple of years, seen that with each passing day, this world holds less and less of me. I don't need 'stuff' to fill my life. I don't need things to turn out perfectly as I plan them, but instead, I recognize that the only thing that truly matters is eternity.
All the times I have cried tears for not being the 'right weight', or having enough money to buy this or that, or to go here or there. All the times I sat moping because my dreams were going to be dashed as the reality of my pregnancy set in the first time around. All the times I got frustrated wondering how we would pay bills and still have money left for the things I wanted for pleasure and fun...because everyone else does this or that. All the times I wished I could just snap my fingers and fix the problems of my life...to this very day they have not all gone away. I still have pain, struggles, heartache, unfulfilled dreams, and even have to watch that I don't overdo it on Cheetos, but I can truly say that life has no hold on me.
If I could package the peace I feel on any given day, I'd want to give them out to everyone I meet...and that is why I blog and share my story and seek God with all my heart. It makes no sense really, that I- who doesn't have it all- and never will have the money and fortune and success and 'good life' that some people are blessed to have, live as though I already do have it all. It's simply because I recognize that this world, no matter how beautiful and perfect and awesome something or someone may be, will not begin to compare to who God is and always will be in my life. He's my everything. And when I remind myself of that truth, day after day, that is when I live a life of freedom, contentment, Joy, and peace. This world is a really amazing and beautiful place sometimes, but when it's all said and done, it really holds nothing for me.

How does this happen?

These look delicious. I found them here, after clicking links from one blog to another. Have I mentioned how much I love the internet and especially with wireless connection?! I look forward to making and eating these cupcakes at somepoint in my life. What's not to love in these little beauties? =)
We had a relaxing, spring-like weekend at my house. Enjoyed the sunshine, eating out on our deck for the first time this year, in addition, Chip and I had been asked to speak in a local church, and it seemed to go really well. It was neat to talk to some of the congregation afterwards, and to hear how they were touched by different aspects of the way God has worked in our lives the past several years. It is amazing to me too, how Teagan's life still impacts people even though she's not physically here with us. And likely, her life is touching more people in her death, than she might have ever touched in her lifetime. I don't know for sure, but it does bring a bit more healing to our lives each time we share our story.
These cupcakes and our testimony of God in our life makes me pause and wonder, "How did this happen?" Not in the sense that I'm questioning how tragedy happened, but the thing that happens when you stare at yourself in the mirror for a minute too long and suddenly the reflection you see doesn't seem like you at all. Does that ever happen to you?! That's what I'm talking about- it's the feeling and thoughts that rush through you when you 'step back' on occasion and look at your life from a different perspective.
I've been doing that a bit...realizing how different my life is than the one I dreamed for myself when I was 5. And 12. And 17. And 22. Those dreams that I held and the way I though things were going to be are so far from the way things really are. Yet I love my life and am overwhelmed with the guilt that I am living a really great, a really undeserved life much of the time.
I never want to live such an 'easy life' that I don't need God in it every single day. And I never want to get to the point in my life where I forget to thank Him for all that I have. I am blessed, in spite of hardship, and sometimes I am realizing, that I am blessed because of hardship. It's a crazy concept...that I can be thankful for the trials that have come my way. Had I not lived it and experienced it, I wouldn't believe it. But it's a reality in my life, that I recognize as something that can only come from God.
So, today, I am thankful and grateful, that my life has twists and turns and sometimes goes absolutely contrary to the way I would choose for it to go. But, there are gifts and blessings each step of the way.
I never thought I'd be happy to bake chicken and make cupcakes for my family, and give baths and do laundry, and not go to work from 9 to 5 earning a nice salary and hang out in an office with educated, interesting coworkers. Seems my 'dreams' have changed. I can only imagine how the dreams I have at this time will look different in the next 5 years. I hope that they still include yummy cupcakes from time to time. =)

My favorite quote this week...

I cannot remember where exactly I heard this, or who said it. I could retrace my steps to find out, I'm sure. I could write a lengthy post about it. But right now I just want to remember it...
"Ordinary does not mean insignificant".

Happiness vs. Joy~

I thought I'd touch once again on the topic of happiness here at Nitty.Gritty. It seems to have come up over and over in different aspects of my life all week long. I find that interesting sometimes, when you almost see a 'theme' emerge in your life- for whatever reason. I will admit, it's been really great to have such a week. Not that I've done anything or really gone anywhere "spectacular", but I have felt happiness in a real way- mostly in the little things. If you're a "regular" here, you know what I mean in that. =)
Today it was a whole host of things sprinkled in with the not so wonderful things thay I sometimes find myself doing. I had to get myself out of bed after about 5 hours of sleep- which if you have a puppy or a newborn in your house, sounds like a really incredible thing! But for me it meant, Visine first thing, and then having to hustle four kids awake, make them breakfast AND coach them to eat said breakfast, getting them dressed...but not just into some old clothes. No. Today was 'spring picture day'...so I actually had to care about their hair- which meant taking time to comb it and/or wet it down and get Brock to take his shower, and then style hair. I rushed about to get all 8 shoes and 3 backpacks ready, and we were only a couple of minutes tardy.
I never did get to make my coffee...and I had been out too late to prep it and set the auto timer, so I was running on no caffeine. =)
Once I was up and running, I figured I might as well go get some essentials. I'm the kind of person who doesn't really care to shop for the 'disposables' from week to week so sometimes I just put it off. To the point of "almost pathetic" at times.
You could probably have turned it into a 'reality tv game' in my kitchen for a few days this week. Contestants would have been challenged to open the refridgerator and cupboards and actually find something appetizing to make. What do you do with a grapefruit, 2 gallons of milk (one whole, one 1%), a couple of tubs of pretend this is butter, a few eggs (fresh...not leftover colored ones from Easter- just so you don't start gagging here), a half a tub of sour cream, some cheese slices, assorted dressings, condiments and thai peanut sauce, OJ, and Reddi Wip? Oh yeah. I would love to see what Bobby Flay or Giada could do with that! =)
(We had French Toast with strawberries and whipped cream , and sausage links two nights ago...breakfast for dinner. That was our "best meal this week", according to my kids. I happen to love that as much as they do. Chip worked late all week.)
Basically we were down to the last package of toilet paper, minimal diapers, no "Ranch for dipping", and Tide was on sale. So I took the opportunity this morning to hit our local Target and hopefully bought up everything I need for the next two weeks.
After a quick stop at the grocery store, I had everything on my list (at least until we run out of milk, bread and eggs again), including frosted cupcakes- my 'impulse purchase'. What can I say? I couldn't pass up "Buy 1, Get 1 Free" on frosted cupcakes. I left one pack at Wyndham's therapy when I dropped her off for her sessions...and put some smiles on a few faces. I went home and had a little lunch and then a mini-Barbie Tupperware cupcake party with Ava and Bell. They loved it! It cost me a whole $3.29. I still have a few cupcakes left over too. =)
I was feeling tired for most the morning, but found after stocking up and getting free cupcakes, I wasn't noticing it quite so much. I capitalized on this 'burst of energy', and even "rode the cart" along with Ava in both the Target and Meijer parking lots.
Her spontaneous laughter made up for the coffee I had missed- and then some! She started chanting, "Go Mommy, go mommy, go mommy, go!" as the cart rolled toward the car. It just made me laugh. The two guys sitting in their cars watching me must have assumed I'd had a Triple Venti something at that point. Their faces almost made me laugh as much as Ava's chanting. =) I think it hit me then. Happiness to me is about the things that are available to me at any given moment in time- but I have to actually act or respond to those opportunities.
Does that make sense? It doesn't take money (or doesn't have to take money all the time), there's no flashing neon sign that says, "Happiness here.", and I think it's different for almost everyone. We're all unique and have different likes and dislikes and sense of humor and ways of looking at things. What I mean by that is, not everyone would get a thrill out of pushing the shopping cart quickly, and then hopping on it for a short ride through the parking lot. But I do. =)
It's up to each of us to seize those opportunities if we want to experience moments of happiness from time to time. Or days if you go on a Disney vacation..."the happiest place on earth". =)
For me, it showed up again today when I got my mail from the mailbox at the end of my drive. Two of the cards pictured here were in my mail today {Thanks, Laura...you made Brock & me happy!}. How can I not blog about Starbuck's after getting this little gem of a postcard.
"THANK YOU". On the flipside is a note about the giftcard I have to which they just added $5 bucks- just to say thanks. I mean c'mon...how does this huge corporate giant know that I am cynical to nearly every marketing ploy and scheme out there?! They just happen to send me a card (I love mail!) with a picture of a double-shot of espresso on it, telling me that my cute little card that I had just used up, now has an extra 5 dollars on it? They must be reading my blog to know that. =) I mean don't get me wrong. I'm the first to say that lattes are overpriced and that they're a 'luxury item' and that I don't deserve such goodness in my life...but when it showed up unexpectedly (along with a check from one of my CK layouts) I couldn't help but be happy.
Today, I spent some time with my kids outside in the sunshine and fresh air- playing "Ring around the Rosie" and other fun stuff, and tickling Ava while getting her dressed. I kissed my hubby and we shared "I love you's". I ate chips and homemade guacamole (yum!), and sang along with the radio blaring and even though I've still got bathtime and bedtime and I could use a few more drops of Visine right about now; I have to admit, my life looked happy.
Now I have to add, that as I am typing out this blog, Ava has dumped out all her Polly Pockets, her Little Pet Shops and a Discovery Toys foam/shape puzzle in addition to spreading out about 22 dvds- to decide which one she wanted to play first. To top it off, she said she wanted to go potty by herself (we're still working on potty training...so anytime she wants to "go by herself", I support that big girl decision 100%). This time though, it back-fired. She wasn't trying to go potty like a big girl, but instead was balling up wads of toilet paper and dropping them into the toilet. By the time I got "suspicious enough" {Moms- you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about here...it gets quiet a little too long!}, she had played long enough that I couldn't just flush and move on. I had to go in there and do some cleaning up.
That was just now. In the middle of blogging about happiness in my life. And do you know what? I'm still happy, because I realize that I'm lucky to have a little girl who is curious and who is trying to learn new things, and who stood back and said, "sorry" at precisely the right instance.
I jotted down a few notes while listening to the radio a couple of days ago. I don't even know who said it or why, and I am paraphrasing this off the top of my head, but the speaker was talking about happiness versus joy. It went something like this:
Happiness is the sailboat in life. It glides along and takes in the view and it's a beautiful thing. But, it can easily be thrown off-course, and tossed about. It is affected by the winds and the waves, and should the rains come, well, it isn't quite so easy to maneuver.
Joy is the submarine in life. It also glides along the water, but rather than riding the waves and be affected by the winds, it is submerged in it and stays on course. There may not be quite the scenery, but there is a comfort knowing nothing can thwart it's journey- from departure to arrival. It matter not if the rain comes or if the sun does or doesn't shine upon the sub. It's mission remains unchanged.
I just thought that was such a great example for how we should look at happiness and joy. I love happiness in my life. It is a wonderful thing. I wish more people could find happiness, or do a self-inventory and come up with little things they can do to experience it more often in life. Joy, I am finding, is something that takes effort. I believe it really is a matter of choice. I believe, as I wrote earlier this week, that real joy, the unshakeable, indescribable kind, comes only from God. For me it has been and will continue to be an ongoing process, and it consumes more and more of my heart and life, as I look less and less to this world to fill the longings and desires of my heart, and instead seek God and ask Him to give me joy in every aspect of my life.
I don't think happiness and joy are absolutely exclusive of each other. But if I could have only one in my life- I'd choose Joy.

Happiness on the heels of tragedy...

I have not watched any television coverage of the news coming out of the tragedy at Virginia Tech earlier this week, but just in reading a few of the articles posted online, have much to think about and say to this topic. It is horrible. It makes no sense, and what is sometimes the hardest thing about this type of reality, is that there are more questions than answers when it's all said and done.
I've been there. I was touched by the face of evil in my life, causing me great pain and death even. I had no 'control' over it when it came; I had no warning that it was coming; I had no way to protect myself from its 'mission'; I had no reason to believe that evil lurked around the very corner of my life as I sat and ate Sunday brunch with my family. It was the most 'ordinary' of moments in my life. I wasn't "seeking adventure", or "asking for trouble". I hadn't 'enlisted' for anything dangerous; I hadn't any reason to believe that my life could be touched by horror.
Yet it happened.
Just as the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre were 'touched'. Just as others were touched by the DC sniper, just as those individuals we watched who met their fate on the morning of September 11, 2001.
It used to be that we 'saw evil' in more expected places. We had names for these places and people behind them... most people could choose to 'stay away from the bad parts of town', and in so doing, avoid the evil that lurked there. It used to be a choice to 'entertain danger'. People, especially youth, would seek adventure and put them selves at risk of harm and toy with death. What seems to be happening in greater frequency, here in our very own nation, built on freedom and opportunity, is that we are coming face to face with the reality that nobody is really ever protected from death and evil, not even as we go about our so-called everday activities.
Who could have predicted one morning not so long ago, that several young girls would meet their fate in a humble Amish schoolhouse. Or that those at the 'pinnacle of the ladder of success' in their offices on the top floors of the Trade Centers wouldn't stand a chance at surviving it's grip.
Some happened to be out shopping and enjoying the more leaisure side of life one afternoon at a Utah mall, and suddenly there it was- evil and danger and death- without warning or cause.
It is these types of 'random evil and death' that I have contemplated for hours on end in my life; the very evil and senseless violence that claimed my daughter and forever changed the way I see the world.
That is where this post comes from- from the very depths of the questions that my heart has asked and vented about and screamed and shed buckets of tears over. They are not easy questions to ask- the why's and the how come's, and didn't anybody see 'something' so as to avoid this pain and horror. I've asked the hard questions- the ones where you look at yourself wondering where you went wrong to be touched by such evil and randomness; questions of what could I have done differently, and how can I make certain this never happens again. There are intense emotions involved when asking such questions, and out of those feelings I searched for someone to 'blame' for such evil; I needed someone or somewhere to direct my anger and grief and hurt. My pain wanted to point a finger at the "source" or root of evil. Even as authorities retrace steps and try to come up with some sort of 'answers' as to what led to and was behind the rage and randomness of the Virginia Tech massacre, so it was with me in my life. I was reeling with questions and pain.
Herein lies both the "good news and bad news". In my own experience I found that there really weren't any easy answers. Even though in my own situation the cause of my tragedy and Teagan's death had a face and name, there were still questions that had no answer. It was maddening to me at times; I couldn't come to a point where I could say this is why the reality of my life is the way it is or that what happened occured for this reason. Or as a result of this. Or that. For some people these are some of the same questions and pain they feel- only as a result of cancer, or unexplained sudden death from anything- from heart attacks to car accidents. The questions come no matter the source of pain.
What I found was that the more I asked the hard questions, the less the sense it made to me. The more the authorities discovered about the one who brought me such pain, the more questions I had. It seemed to me to make less and less sense, rather than offering solace and relief. I found that the unanswerables started to consume my thoughts and time and in so doing, caused more pain and hurt...it is what started driving a wedge between Chip and me. It is why I would fall apart simply going to the grocery store to pick up a few items- my world didn't make sense...and was bleak as I watched others going about their 'normal lives'. My looked like theirs, but had been tainted by death and evil.
In the segment we taped with Oprah Winfrey, when asked about if I wanted to know why this happened in my life, I answered, "When you ask why too much, it brings you down....there are no answers sometimes".
That's the "bad news". The reality is that sometimes we simply have no answers. It is at this point that often times people start to blame God for what has happened. Others can't understand "why bad stuff happens to good people"...which for me to give you my thoughts on that topic would probably require that I write a short book. It is this very point that many of the victims' family members are finding themselves as they awake to the nightmare of the reality of their lives- many are asking themselves, "now what?" and "where do I go in life from here?" and "why me?".
This is where the "good news" comes in. It is where I had to turn from asking questions and seeking answers, to surrendering myself to the reality of what happened. It meant I had to seek a higher purpose and desire to live in light of heartache, and to accept the fact that there are reasons to the why's and what if's and how comes...I just may never grasp them.
It is where my faith begins and ends- the very definition of faith...when life doesn't make sense, I choose to believe. I do not know why evil and unexpected death happened in my life. I do not understand it. I do not like the way it caught me offguard and in the midst of living a quiet, unassuming life. I do not like that I had no choice in the matter- or that it came at me with such force that nothing mattered to me anymore...life seemed utterly meaningless.
Faith doesn't ask that we like the things that happen to us. Faith doens't mean I can't feel angry or question why. It doesn't mean life will look be perfect. Faith only requires that I believe. I found that with faith, all things really are possible! Even happiness and joy in life, that at one point in time held only pain and sorrow. My faith has been stregthened in my pain and weakness, as I have had to lean on God and in Him alone find comfort and peace. In God's Word, I am promised comfort in times of grief; I am offered Hope for the future; I simply have to trust that God IS true to His word. He is showing me that I do not need to fear the random evil and pain that touches all of us in this world- we all face certain death. We need not live in fear- no matter how or when it may cross our paths. We can live with the assurance that God's promises are true; that His ways "are higher than ours" and that "He will make all things new". Therein lies the reality that we can all live with happiness and with peace. God is most certainly in control. We may not understand His ways, or His timing...but that is just the way things are in life. It is not ours to know. How silly to think that we could or even should be able to make sense of things of this world...we are not God.
I think of a recent illustration I heard on this very subject. If you are a parent this is more easily understood, as it is a picture of God as our Father- all-knowing, all-loving and all-powerful. As in our own lives, sometimes 'bad things' happen to our children. Sometimes they just happen (think about getting the flu, or falling off of a bike and getting hurt); we do not cause them. Sometimes we bring them on our children "for their own good"- think of immunizations or "making kids eat their vegetables". They may not like that we cause "suffering", but from our perspective, we are doing certain things or allowing certain things for their very good- out of our deep love for them.
So, even though we could tell them they are getting shots to prevent disease and sickness and undue pain in their lives, children can't understand and process that. Even though they fall off their bikes, we allow them to do so, in order that they might grow and learn and experience the thrill of riding a bike without harm later on. Although we didn't 'sign them up for the flu, or bring it upon them', it happens from time to time simply because there is good and evil in this world. It has been that way from the beginning of time. So it is with us and faith. We can choose to believe that God is who He claims to be. We will never fully know the mind of God, and it is not ours to know. BUT, we can trust Him to be faithful and true.
That is what I have done in my life. I hope that people who are wacthing such events as all the random tragedies in just the past few months in and around our own nation, don't point fingers at God, or fall away from their faith as a result of evil. But instead, use it as an opportunity to cling to God, to seek His face, to grow their faith, and to find that there is so much more to life than simply going about our day to day routine. There is Hope for eternity, and life is our journey toward that end.

CLick this link for one of my current favorite songs, which says what I cannot put into words here. . ."You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman.