Beyond cake and french fries...

We do our fair share of partying and eating cake and things with whipped cream on them around our house, but I wanted to share a few photos and thoughts about food and what's going on in our home right now.

Just before Christmas we got inpired by the movie "SuperSize Me" which I had heard about before but had never seen. After seeing only a part of it I was ready to make some changes with our diets- not that we eat that much fast food, but simply because it helped open my eyes to just how much preocessed foods we do consume around here. Especially when it comes to the kids' school lunches.

Jamie Oliver has been on his Food Revolution kick and we have found several recipes to try and are finding that our kids actually will eat certain healthy food options that we wouldn't have guessed they would eat. What's going on in our kitchen right now is that we're making a conscious effort to change the foods we eat on a daily basis and trying very hard to include foods that are fresh and homemade. It's not an easy task when you're used to opening spaghetti noodles and a jar of pasta and mixing them together and calling it 'dinner'.

Chip happens to be a very good cook. He could be a gourmet chef at a fine dining establishment. He has taken on the responsibility of not only making most of the meals, but also of having one of our kids join him in the kitchen as his sous chef each night too. The kids are absolutely loving their chance to help make food and also love being taught cooking techniques and given responsibilities for the entire meal. The person that helps Daddy each night also helps to set the table and clean up too.

What we are finding is that there is a lot of positive things going on simply by making this one lifestyle change. For starters, the food is healthier and therefore we should be feeling better. So far I can't say we see pounds melting off or muscles bulking up- but we do feel better about what we're putting into our bodies! The kids are also excited to eat, not only the meals they make, but they seem to enjoy trying what each other makes too. They sort of have a game going on about who has made the best thing so far and they challenge each other to try stuff- just because they are proud of what they create. Also, it gets them away from things like tv and computer screens and Wii games and instead they are really enjoying their time with Chip in the kitchen as well as learning about new foods and kitchen tools. It's a win-win so far!

Although we do have some challenges. One is we have very little access to "good, quality" food. There aren't any high-end grocery stores of big co-ops or chains like Whole Foods. So we are modifying some recipes and also when you eat non-processed foods you have to grocery shop more often for fresh ingredients. Which is spendier than stuff like boxed Mac & Cheese, but hopefully we will see benefits that far exceed the extra cash this kind of healthy living requires.

We are loving this recipe for No-Knead Bread. We've made several loaves in the past couple of weeks- both white and whole-grain wheat. It's very good- especially when it's fresh and hot! It's so simple too! Love that when it comes to eating better.

Also, as I noted, Jamie Oliver's website has lots of great recipes and we're also just trying to eat more fruits and veggies. We got an apple peeler and have used it more times than I can count already. My kids love to watch the apples spin as their peels come right off. We are easily amused, I guess. =) That photo of the eggs in the pan is Jamie Oliver's recipe called Bubble and Squeak. It is made with leftover roasted vegetables and potatoes. Delicious! The last photo is a picture of one of the kids' plates the night Ava helped Chip to make Shrimp Cakes with Papaya puree. The kids loved them and we will be making that recipe again.

I plan to share more recipes here that we find to be easy, healthy and kid-friendly. I'd love for any of you to leave links to recipes or share some of the healthy food options that your family enjoys too.

Isabella asked us "How long are we planning to do this healthy cooking thing?" and to that we answered, "Hopefully forever!". I know a lot of people get excited about healthy living this time of year, but we're hoping that these healthy options become a natural part of our routine around here. The best thing we can do is try, right?!

Celebrating Wyndham's Birthday!

Today our family is celebrating Wyndham's 10th birthday! We kept it simple- as we do most things around here and that meant Crew was helping me bake a chocolate cake at 9 am this morning. The only kind of chocolate cake I liked when I was a girl was my mom's Wacky Cake recipe. So when Wyndham signed that she wanted "Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting" to me when I asked her about her birthday cake I knew I was going to make her a cake from scratch.

She deserves the real deal!

It's hard to believe that she is actually 10 years old. I still remember everything about the day she was born- and a whole lot of the events that have transpired over her decade of life too. Teagan was so proud to be a big sister again and she and Chip decided on the name Wyndham. Weighing in at only 4 lbs. 6 oz. and yet being full-term, we should have known Wyndham was extraordinary from the very start.

She has been through more ups and downs than any of the rest of us in this family and yet she has a smile on her face so often and a glimmer in her eye that only fades usually only during her extreme medical challenges.

I have cried out to God to spare her life more than once. I have also wondered why God has allowed so much suffering her life so many times too. Too many times to count. And still God gives her grace for all she goes through. And some of it rubs off of her onto the rest of us and we feel strength and grace from God through her.

That's pretty amazing for a little girl who can't walk or talk right now and just turned 10.

She is very special and loved by all of us who are lucky enough to be her family. She is loved by a lot of friends and family near and far too.

As rough as she's had it, I have this feeling that if she could talk she would tell you that she feels like a lucky girl more often than not.

We're really hoping that she starts gaining more strength to be able to walk again soon. The fact that she has overcome so much in the past 10 years makes me believe in her for this current challenge and for future ones too.

Happy Birthday, dear Wyndham!

You are so loved and we hope you enjoyed your simple birthday party with us today. Love, Your Family

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas from me and all my family- in Heaven and on earth. I've often wished for a photo with all of us looking into the camera at the same time. {Simple wishes!} This year we got it. So my new wish is that we'll all be looking at the camera next time AND that Wyndham will be back on her feet like the rest of us.

As always, we keep Teagan's memories close within our hearts and we thank God for the hope we await when we will celebrate and worship Him around His throne in glory. Someday!

Merry, merry Christmas to you.

Christmas connections.

I feel so thankful for the childhood Christmas memories I have- the decorations and music and programs and friends and family and food were always perfect when I grew up. I can't begin to pull off such magic when it comes to Christmas around here. Even as I tried to do some baking and had the kids listening to my Grandma's records from Christmas's past as they colored Christmas pictures, the Norman Rockwell afternoon turned sour as Crew dry-erase markered the carpet, his pants and socks.

It turned from the nice, pleasant winter afternoon to scolding and time-out and frustrations all around. I sometimes wish I could just turn back the hands of time and hang onto the way it used to be for awhile longer. Today I looked around and noticed that although it's not the way I remember it or wished it could be, it's not all that bad and certainly I hope that my kids will find that there are parts of these days they will want to recall years from now too.

It may not be perfect. But the story and the reason we celebrate is still the same. And for that I am grateful- now and always. May you be blessed, wherever you are and however your holiday turns out, as we celebrate the birth of Jesus- the Savior come to earth! Immanuel- God with us. What a glorious thought to meditate on as Christmas draws near. His love is all we need for our Christmas and our lives to be complete!

Happiness is buttercream today!

Today is my birthday. I have often wished that I didn't have a "Christmas birthday"because it is such a busy time of year and everyone is so focused on the upcoming holiday that it sort of gets lost in the shuffle. But today when Chip brought home a Coconut-covered frosted 3-layer Buttercream/bavarian cream cake, I didn't mind one bit. =)

It was delicious!

As I reflect on this past year I can honestly tell you it has had such highs and lows that I sort of feel I've aged more than just one year. (I am 38 now- for those of you who might be wondering.) The greatest joy has been the birth and addition of baby Teague- who is now 4 months old and just "found" his toes today. He started 'talking to them' when he woke up this morning. Totally kicked off my day in a good way. =) I love simple gifts and that was special for sure.

I am so very happy today for the health of all of my family- that is never a guarantee and something I took for granted far too many years. Now I know how wonderful it truly is just to have my husband and kids singing "Happy Birthday to you" and eating cake together around our table.

I will tell you that I do miss Teagan on special days like this more than I do on many other 'ordinary' days. I still recall so clearly the last birthday I shared with her on this day 10 years ago. She, along with Chip and Brock, came to the print shop where I was working doing graphic design layout work and they brought me a Chocolate Bread Pudding with real Whipped Cream and we dug in and enjoyed every last bite of that with my friends the Websters- who owned the shop. Later I got some gifts at home and took some pictures of Teagan that are very much treasures to me. I remember she gave some big hugs and kisses to me too!

I have learned in my 38 years, that the greatest gifts most often aren't things at all. But memories and sharing laughter with loved ones and simply being 'present in the moment' for sure. I loved my cake today, not just for its yummy icing, but moreso because it was shared with the people I care most about in this whole wide world. My birthday wish is to get to eat cake with them all for many years to come!

Shining examples of love~

Today my parents are celebrating their 43rd wedding anniversary and I just want to let them know how happy I am for them! Although we live hundreds of miles apart, they are the biggest supporters of me and I am so thankful for their love for one another and for my family over the years.
They married young and had 5 kids and have been through many ups and downs through the years. They have worked and served alongside one another for nearly their entire married life. And they are still together and thriving- which is quite a testament of their love and devotion to each other and to God. My parents are not perfect and we have had our differences at certain stages in life, but I can honestly say that I am a better person for having them in my life. They are the first people I call when something goes right in my life. They are the first people I call when something goes wrong too, and I know that even through trembling words on the phone that they will offer comfort, prayer, advice and sympathy too. Their love has helped to carry me through some of the most trying times in my marriage and family life and that is a gift that I can't put a price tag on.
I am so happy for them to have each other in this world. They bring out the best in one another, and seek to bring out the best in others around them too. I know that God planned for them to meet and marry and build a life together before they were even born. I am humbled and grateful that they have been such an amazing example to me of love and faithfulness in so many aspects of life. I treasure them as parents and friends and hope that on this day they know their love has made a world of difference in mine.
Happy Anniversary, Dad and Mom. Thanks for being such a blessing to me and others in all you say and do. May God grant you more love and happiness in the years to come!

His happy little world.

Teague has been growing and changing so much the past few weeks. The top two pictures are him at 13 1/2 weeks, and the last three photos I snapped just minutes ago. Also, notice my smile. I do have things to be happy about everyday. It's just I've been struggling with happiness the past few months more than normal.

But Teague?

He's happy almost 100% of the time. Which I am very, VERY grateful for. His happiness makes me happy and I treasure the time we share in the mornings when he 'talks' and coos and just melts my heart with his cute expressions and there are no interruptions from anyone else in the house. I was watching him and talking to him yesterday when it dawned on me that he doesn't have a clue about anything our family has been going through lately. His world is nothing short of perfect right now. No wonder he is always happy! =)

It was a wonderful "light-bulb" moment for me to sit there and hold him and nuzzle his little head and let him squeeze my finger and to be able to just soak up his "perfect little world" for a few minutes. It made me realize that despite all the challenges and added stress in my life right now there is something so right going on here too. To realize that he is protected and secure and thriving in the midst of my confusion was just what I needed to focus my attention on- even if it was just for a few minutes in the rest of my crazy day. I needed and appreciated those moments of reflection and realization.

Later, as I was thinking about his "perfect world" right now I felt like I 'heard' God speaking to my heart. I've oftened thought about what the story of our lives will look like from the 'endpoint' perspective. I've told Chip and others that sometimes I wish I could just "flip to the end of the book" of our lives and see how it's all going to end up. Yesterday, in the middle of my thoughts as I drove home from a short shopping trip it occured to me as never before that I DO know the ending of our story. God is the ending! He has promised in His Word- the Bible- that He is preparing a place for those who love Him and believe that His Son, Jesus, died to save them from their sins. He has already overcome death and has an eternal glory awaiting us believers when our lives are complete here on earth. God has already numbered each and every day we have here on earth and has our future all mapped out too! It's not like it's a new concept for me to think about Heaven and eternity, but yesterday it hit me very differently as I realized that a perfect world awaits me and it will be more than worth every earthly struggle I endure in my lifetime. In fact I was thinking about all the struggles and hurts I've already endured and carry in my heart each day and I imagined that I was pouring out my trials into big buckets- as though I were filling buckets of water to the brim. Then I imagined that I was filling these buckets up along the shore of a vast waters in front of me- that vastness, like all the oceans on this world combined into one, was a glimpse of my eternity. I stood there in the picture of my mind and imagined myself pouring out a lifetime of hurt, imperfection, grief, heartache and struggle- physical, emotional, mental and spiritual pain- all of my buckets I tossed into the big water. And you know what?

It was swallowed up and mixed in with the vast ocean instantly.

I felt like God was showing me that He saw my hurt. He understood that I had a lot of 'water' weighing me down- and the truth is I will have more as the years go on. But the reality is that in the end, all my earthly suffering will be consumed the moment I step foot in glory and there is no way I could begin to hold onto these hurts or even be able to notice them when eternity begins. They will cease. The darkness and pain that seems to surface and catch me off-guard so many times in life will not exist in Heaven.

I felt a certain peace and calm as I thought about it yesterday and even more as I think about it today. My daily struggles are like drops of water in buckets that once poured into the ocean of the Glory that has been promised me will not matter. Not one tiny drop! I am so thankful that God showed up in my life this way and spoke to my heart in such a powerful, visual way. I know that I still need to hold onto this truth and realization that God has a plan and a purpose and He will make all things new one day. The days here may not always be happy and goodness knows they are not perfect! Except maybe for Teague for a little while longer. =) But there is something far greater, far richer, far beyond my wildest imaginations that will make the burdens of my life irrelevant in the end. I hope I can hold tight to that thought and certainly this post can serve as a reminder to me as we continue to face struggles in our lives. There is more to this life than that which we can see and I am thanking God that He gave me a glimpse of what is yet to come.

Also, I can't wrap this post up without telling you that Wyndham took her first few steps the night before last. She is still in her wheelchair almost 100% of the time, but she tolerated a few steps and that is a bright spot for us in our life right now. It's another glimpse that her time will come- her healing and recovery are ongoing, but she is making progress. Very tiny steps, but they certainly added some happy to our little world this week.

Thanks, so much, for praying us through this time in our lives. And even though we know how our story will ultimately end, I thank you for following along each chapter. We're grateful to be able to share the highs and lows and everything in between too.

Faltering.

This is one of those posts. The kind where I just lay it all out there- the stuff that's been heavy on my heart and mind for the past week. The photo above is of Wyndham's feet. She has traded her pink casts in for these ankle-foot orthotics {otherwise known as afo's}. I will use the term afo's in the future, just so you know what that means. Wyndham has worn afo's in the past, but never before have they been so big, bulky, thick or as unflexible as these. She is required to be in them 24/7- only having them removed for showering. They are basically keeping her foot in alignment and giving her feet high arch support. When we asked how long she will be wearing these at her doctor appointment a week ago we were told likely indefinitely, but at least 6-12 months. There could be revisions done for growth or other needs along the way, but this is it- these are the supports Wyndham has to learn to walk right now.
Needless to say, Chip and I left very disheartened for Wyndham after all her patience with her casts the past 2 months. She has been about as easy-going as we could ever expect her to be given her circumstances. I have nothing but admiration for her attitude through this whole experience.
Which is in part why it is hard to see what has to go through now. I will be totally honest here. I have been mad, angry, discouraged, frustrated, immature, unreasonable, stressed out, and a whole host of other not-so-nice things as a result of this surgery and recovery the past 2 months. I ended up pouring out a lot of my feelings in a letter to my sister last week and here's just a portion of that- because it was raw and real and part of me still feels this way. Here is, in part, what I had to say:

I am tired of facing each day knowing it brings more struggles and no matter how hard I try to look for it or create the joy just seems to have vanished from life. That's the truth of where I am at right now. The day before Thanksgiving.
I feel like the most pathetic person on earth. The bitterness that is taking root in my heart seems like the only thing that's thriving in life right now. I don't feel like 'fighting' for something better anymore. I really hope you can pray for me because I'm not sure I know what to say or if the prayers of my heart can even be answered right now.
Wyndham was fitted yesterday for some ankle-foot orthotics that are hard plastic and go from the whole bottom of her foot up to her mid-calf. Now after 2 months in casts she's supposed to relearn to walk in them and wear them 24/7 for 6 months to a year or more. That means she will be in knee socks and tennis shoes and even sleeping in socks and these supports... and that is where my anger and frustrations lie right now. All I can think is this-UNFAIR! I am already thinking of how she can't go to the beach and put her feet in the sand. I am thinking of how hard it will be to not bend her foot as she attempts to walk. I am thinking of how much she has had to take in this life and now, instead of some sort of reward for her patience and endurance, she is getting dumped on once again. I admit it, I am angry for her. I know she will overcome the obstacles placed before her but I am disgusted and down-trodden that this has become her lot in life. I am tired of seeing her rise to the occasion only to get knocked down time and time again.I t just doesn't seem fair.
I am tired of having to support her and watch her struggle. I wish I could just take on all her pain and challenges and make them my own. It hurts me so deeply to see her never able to reach her full potential because of the path her life has been forced to take.I am sorry to say when I look in the mirror of my life I don't like a whole lot of any of it right now. I know I have been optimistic and hopeful for a long, long time, but I feel like I've finally had enough. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'll admit it, I am struggling with what I am feeling inside right now. I know there are blessings in my life and things could always be worse. I do have a pocket of gratitude in my heart somewhere, but honestly I don't feel like wearing it right now. The hurt of everything in my life over nearly the past 10 years has surfaced all at once the past 2 months and I am ready to sit and wallow in that hurt. Wyndham's daily struggles have become, dare I say, a 'visual reminder' of the pain I feel from Teagan's death and a constant roadblock to experiencing happiness.
Wow.
That's a lot for me to unload all at once.
What are your therapy fees?! =)
I know you can't change a thing for me- for Wyndham- for all of us, but I do appreciate that you would listen and care. I hope life starts proving me wrong and I hope that some glimmer of goodness starts glowing in life again too. I don't know how or why we've been dealt this hand that we've been given. But I do want to find my place back to believing that it's worth the struggle and to keep pressing on. Thanks for being in my corner when I need you. Thanks for praying our family through yet again. I hope you have many reasons to give thanks this year.
I'll look around and try to find my rose-colored glasses for tomorrow.
And if for some reason I find them, I might just start wearing them like Wyndham has to wear her afo's... 24/7.

* * * * *
I have been thinking so much about life's pain and hurt and challenges and I'll admit another thing. Sometimes I wish our "suffering" didn't have a name. Meaning, I get frustrated knowing that there is a person responsible for what Wyndham has to go through and has gone through for almost her whole life. I have been dealing with anger inside knowing that Wyndham's life challenges will follow her all her days, while the one responsible for her disablilities will walk away from her 'sentence next summer'. That reality has been dragging me down and while I still believe in my heart that forgiveness has been given and claimed in this situation, I am having to remind myself of that day after day. It's not an easy thing and I feel like my faith is sort of being chipped away at a little bit more with each new challenge our family has had to take on. Sometimes I think it would be 'easier' if all this just happened randomly- or accidentally- rather than intentionally, and that is proving yet another challenge to my faith.
So while Wyndham is still in her wheelchair all day long and has yet to take a step, I feel like I am the one with my feet bound and the one needing to learn to walk all over again.
Our family continues to be so encouraged by many of you who email and send notes on FB and pray for all we have gone through and continue to go through. We did have a very nice Thanksgiving with Chip's parents here with us. We DO have much to be thankful for and I am trying hard to not look too far into the future, but instead just focus on what the needs are in front of us one day at a time. I know that Wyndham has the fight in her to get back on her feet and walk again... I just feel like I'm not her best support system anymore and she deserves nothing less than the best right now. So, please feel free to keep praying her through this and to pray that I will find a way to lift my eyes and heart up even though it's an enormous task to look on and cheer her forward.
I am hoping to falter less and to triumph more.
And should I fail and stumble and fall, I am grateful to my family, friends, and God for giving me another chance to get back up. I've never claimed to be a superhero, or even a person of superfaith. It's in these times of trials that that is so evident to me. I am nothing on my own and I would have fallen apart by now. But thankfully God is rich in mercy and strength and He continues to hold me up and see us through. If anything good can come from Wyndham's suffering, it is this: it makes me believe more and more in God and His ways. Even when I can't see one step in front of me. I am humbled to know God has it all in His control.

Just in time for Thanksgiving...

It's been a long two months- for her and for us. If all goes well, Wyndham should have her casts off tomorrow! The next phase is for her to be fitted for some ankle-foot orthodics and she will wear them for an indefinite length of time. But the good news is she will be able to start bearing weight on her feet again.

We're hoping she will have minimal pain and that she will find it a relatively easy adjustment to relearn balance and get back on her feet again. As always, we appreciate your thoughts and prayers for Wyndham- as this time around she literally takes the next step! Just in time for us to have something to truly be thankful for at this time of year!

I might even be on top of my game to take a Flip video of her first steps when she takes them. If that happens, you can be sure I'll post it here. As any proud mom would do. =)

Thanks for helping to see us through the past couple of months and caring as much as you do. We are more than ready to put this tough phase of our lives behind us. It's much more exciting to look ahead than down and let me tell you, we're so ready to see Wyndham on her feet again. She's had enough 'computer/table time' for this year! =)

The kindness of strangers...

You are all so supportive and your encouragement has been a blessing to me especially in the past 24 hours. I just wanted to stop in and say a big thank you for so many of you who have privately emailed me with your thoughts and prayers and words of inspiration to keep hanging in there right now, in addition to all of you who have left comments here too. It has helped me put things in perspective a bit and I'm feeling less 'alone' in this just knowing so many of you have been in the pits too and yet have found a way out. Or some of you are still trying to find a way out but willing to keep going too- just like us.
I will admit that I have been "sick and tired" of life being so hard on us. When I shared how Chip and I feel like we're ready to split our team up it stems more from us being frustrated with life's demands and the wish that things could be different- yet we're so 'stuck' with how things have to be right now. It's not that we don't love and care about one another and we're ready to call it quits, but almost the opposite- we sort of think that if one of us took on more of the 'problem issues' and the other person took the rest well then, at least a few of us would have a chance at happiness. Does that even make sense? It sounds funny when I type it out. But we've been here before. Here meaning at the end of our ropes- wishing things different- feeling like we can't be who we need to be to all the people who need us right now, and then thinking maybe we could cut our problems in half and at least salvadge life for part of our gang.
But it's not to be.
For lots of reasons.
And truthfully, we know that even trying to split the problems in half won't solve things, but instead add to the already long list of overwhelming issues in life right now.
I do think that as I've been able to write out some of what I'm feeling and thinking, as well as sharing it with some friends and with Chip that a lot of my hurt and inadequacies come from being Wyndham's mom and unable to change her circumstance and 'feeling' her pain and watching it but again, being unable to fix the hurt.
I will also say that as the time nears for her to get her casts off I have some new fears growing inside about how the next phase will go. I just want the world for her and have such love and respect for how well she has endured the past 8 weeks that I'm just holding out hope that she will get a bit of a reward for all she's been through. She's had more smiles than I have at times and I just know she is ready to move on from this situation of being so sedantary.
The kindness you have all shown through your understanding and words and emails has been a bit of what I needed to get through the rest of this week. To top it off though, Teague ended up with a horrible, 'barky' cough last night and he was checked out at Urgent Care today because of my growing concerns for him. At this point the doctor thinks it's a bit of croup and he was given some meds to help his breathing and cough. I just feel like one more big thing- like Teague being hospitalized- would be a bit too much right now. So I've been praying since early, early this morning and if you feel like joining me in prayers for his health I would love you all for that too.
It just seems that when I finally unload my burdens to whoever cares to listen, I am lighter for doing so and more clear in how to proceed. So thank you, thank you from me and all my family for walking through this not-so-hot part of our lives too.
I decided to lower my expectations a bit too- thanks to the advice and encouragement from many of you in that regards. I also sat on the couch nursing Teague today and told myself that how I was truly being productive at that moment- no matter how much my mind raced to other things on my to-do list that needed to get done. Sometimes, we women especially, can be so demanding of our own selves that we neglect to see just how important some of the 'little things' we do each day truly are in the scheme of things. I am vowing for the next however long I need to, to be less hard on myself, more tolerant of my little ones, and more appreciative of Chip. I think something as small as a shift in thinking can refocus and realign my heart and mind to better take on the challenges that life keeps sending our way. I hope I get around to baking something again soon too. There's something missing around our home and I think it might be the smell of baked goods. I'll be sure to pass along any recipes I whip up if that happens. Thanks again for all of your love, cares and prayers!

Down, but not totally out.

This past Sunday the MN Vikings lost another football game bringing them to 3-6 for the season so far. Brett Favre stood in front of a swarm of media camera and microphones and made some post-game remarks about his losing team. As I sat on my couch and listened to his statements I commented to Chip- who sat across from me- that it was as though Favre were talking about our family. As the remarks about the losing team continued we found ourselves laughing at just how fitting the comments were to our family life right now.
We're in the homestretch of Wyndham's recovery from surgery and on the verge of the next phase; she will be fitted with orthodics and start therapy again. We're not sure what to fully expect once she's out of her casts, but we are crossing our fingers that things will get better from here on out, as we feel we've pretty much worn ourselves down and out the past 2 months.
As you can see from my lack of blogposts, I have not felt like writing, taking pictures, or even baking the past couple of weeks. That's a sign of just how rough things have gotten around here. Most often I turn to baking to relieve stress, so you know it's bad around here right now! =)
Truthfully, it has been bad and sad and ugly for several days. It's been stressful and I am sorry to say that I haven't done my best with our life circumstances the past 2 months. A part of me would like to blame post-partum blues. Which likely play a big part in how I've reacted to everything on our plates. Still, I have to admit and take responsibility for my actions and that means I have to say a big, "I'm sorry" to everyone in my family and some people who have been playing supporting roles to us at this time too.
Favre hit the nail on the head several times in his post-game remarks saying such things as, "There needs to be some changes made". His summery of the defeated Vikings team just matched my thoughts and feeling so much... but he also made a poignant statement where he said, "There's still a little bit of hope for us... there's still alittle life left in us". I was so glad to hear him say that because it actually was at that point that I laughed out loud and realized how true those words were. Not just for the losing Vikings, but for our family that has felt more than overwhelmed with life for weeks now. I'm so glad that we're down, but not without Hope. Even in hopelessness we first see HOPE!
I'm glad to tell you today is a new day. I feel like I am finally ready to admit that I've sunk far enough into the pit that life has dragged us into and I'm ready to start looking up- or wherever to find a way out. I do want to just tell the honest truth- more for me to look back on this for the next time I'm in life's pit- and say that I am awful down here. I 'look' awful- which means I haven't liked who I've become lately. I have yelled far too many times, said things I didn't mean, meant things I shouldn't have said, felt hurt and kept it in, hurt people by letting things out, and just all around been miserable to everyone- including me. I'm sorry to say I have let things get the best of me this time around and it goes without saying, but being a 'loser' has been no fun at all!
To be perfectly honest and blunt, Chip and I have had it with life and each other. Yes, there has been a lot of stress and demands we never anticipated and goodness- we haven't been taking care of ourselves the way we should be- simply because things are just that demanding. We haven't even slept in the same room for 2 months as Chip sleeps on a mattress next to Wyndham's bed because of her added needs right now. There just hasn't been a good opportunity for us to be much of a good team through all of this. We have talked and made mention of how life might be if we split our team up- that's how down we've been. The funny- or merciful thing- is that we can't even begin to think how to split our team up and make things work. We've got too much on our plates to divide up!
Today, honestly, I am thanking God that He has given us "too much" so that we can't even begin to figure out how to split up. Our problems are actually blessings that are being used to help hold us together in this season of defeat in our lives. Oh the irony of that!
I could share a whole lot more of what has gone on and continues to demand from us, but I won't. I just want to share my heart- even the heaviness of it- so that I might look back someday and see that even though the path isn't always rosy, it does keep winding and there is something around the bend worth forging ahead for.
We've been down, but we're not totally out. We're trusting that God will see us through even this ugly time we've been experiencing, and we're hanging on to the fact that we don't need to have all the answers in order to keep trying.
I have felt and 'heard' God's voice in my life in some still, small ways the past couple of days. I think He knew I needed something tangible. One of the ways He's spoken is through the messages from this website: Revive Our Hearts. The series- especially today's message- on the ABC's for Handling a Meltdown, have been so helpful to me. I don't know that I am fully out of this life pit yet, but I am happy to report I am headed in the right direction. I want to praise God for showing up and giving me more grace for the journey. Something I need no matter where I'm at in this world! I don't know if you need encouragement or help where you are right now or if you are at a place you simply want to praise God for blessings. But I'd love to invite you to praise God in the comments here and we can all give Him glory for the little and big things He has done and continues to do. Even when we can't see Him or feel Him or we turn our backs on Him, He is still there. He never lets us down, and for that I am most grateful today!

These two little guys...

So here I am trying to strike a balance and find time to update a blog while maintaining some sense of control in our home at the same time. Not an easy task with Crew around- he is ALL about being and acting like a 2 year old. Which, according to his pediatrician, is perfectly normal and acceptable for him. Since he is 2! In these photos he had pulled Brock's Batman t-shirt out of the clean laundry basket and proceeded to wear it proudly all day long. He is quite the character in real life- even without this type of t-shirt on. He is wild and demanding and loud and stubborn and smart and into everything; in addition, he knows what he wants. Did I mention he is demanding?! Oh yes he is. But he has this way of pouring on the charm too. We only wish he would be more charming- more often! We are worn very thin by his demands most days, but that little bit of love he gives somehow makes us hang in there with him and try to work things out. However that turns out to be. One day we will tell him all about how he acted when he was two and likely he will grow into someone fiercely independent and able to do amazing things. Because that's exactly how I would describe him right now. Only the "amazing things" he does right now most often get him in trouble!

His little brother, Teague, on the other hand is quite the opposite these days. He is so mellow and happy and just a little bundle of charm. His eyes light up at almost everything he sees and everyone of the kids can make him smile and coo now. It makes us all melt and he seems to know that and it leads to more smiling and cooing. Teague is so observant and aware of his surroundings now. He still loves to be held and cuddled and smothered with kisses. And although he is just 11 weeks, it seems as if we've had him around forever. We couldn't imagine life without him. He's added a lot of love and happiness to our lives already! Now we do know that he will be 2 one day too, but for now, we're soaking him up just the way he is.

Wyndham continues to spend long days in her wheelchair or laying on the couch. I've nearly worn my back out having to lift her and change her diapers a few times this week. My body was not made to lift 80 lbs, but we're are managing to get through this extra-trying time for her. She seems to be more accepting of her double casts right now and rarely lets it affect her mood. I wish I could just roll with circumstances the way she does. We are lucky that she's such an easy-going kid too. It makes the hard times in life just a bit more tolerable. With 3 more weeks to go it is starting to seem like there is an end in sight for this phase of her recovery. Hopefully she will have her casts off jst in time for Thanksgiving and believe me, it will give us all something to be grateful for! Or should I say one MORE thing to be thankful for. We are a big, busy family, but when I pause long enough to reflect on it or write out a few thoughts on life right now, I can see clearly how we are blessed as well. Blessed- even with challenges and an independent 2 year old. =) Hope you're finding things to be grateful for as November gets underway. Being grateful for small things each day can lead to a heart filled to the brim with contentment all life long!

She makes it look easy.

What a whirlwind couple of weeks it has been for my family this October. There has been so much going on- good, bad and in between, that I haven't had a moment to catch up here at Nitty.Gritty. I also find that being home around so many family members made it 'less urgent' for me to post, since we were sort of living out what I might otherwise blog home to them about. So that's the explanation I have for not updating here.

We packed our whole family of 8 into an RV and took a 12+ hour roadtrip across 5 states to be with all of my family and friends to remember our dear Grandma Shirley as she passed away October 17th. It was a bittersweet time for many of us as we have such fond memories of sharing life with her. They say there are two types of people in this world- givers and takers. She was a GIVER through and through- always giving joy, love, happiness, a word of encouragment or sharing a meal made by her hands and heart. She will be missed and remembered by so many and I am grateful I had the chance to be home in Minnesota to take part in celebrating who she was and always will be. As my great-uncle John said, "Shirley was a true love machine". I was lucky to know that, feel it from her firsthand, and hopefully take some of that with me and turn it around to pour out to others as I walk through life too.

That top photo is a picture of me with my family- my parents and my four siblings. We haven't taken a picture together like this in years. Being together was special- but after driving all those hours home with our youngsters, Chip and I vow not to do that again for a long, long while.

And I'm not kidding.

AT about the 8 hour mark each way we were ready to have the trip be over. Especially Crew strapped into his carseat and screaming to let us know he had had it. Not fun in Chicago rush-hour traffic. Or anywhere for that matter. And at that 8 hour mark you realize you are only two-thirds of the way to your destination. It starts to feel like a terrible mistake to be traveling; but somehow we made it there and back. The kids LOVED spending time with their cousins and catching up on the fun they've missed out on the past couple of years. There were lots of fun and games and laughter and screaming (especially from Wyndham when Grandma Genie pushed her wheelchair while running through the halls of the building where we stayed!) and there was lots of crying, yelling and 'drama' too. I won't even go into all of that but you can just be thankful along with me that we didn't have to have surgery to try to reattach Crew's fingers. That's all I'm going to say about that- we're all still traumatized from that elevator incident! Eeeks!

Okay.

Now for an update on Wyndham. Today marks 4 weeks since she had her double-foot surgery. It has felt like a long, long time for us, so I can only imagine how long it has felt for her. She can only sit in her wheelchair, or lay on the couch or her bed. Oh yeah, she has a special toilet seat to sit on once in awhile too. Yesterday she saw her surgeon for some x-rays and was re-cast as part of the ongoing recovery process. This time around she picked pink casts. I think she was actually starting to tire of seeing those bright orange ones and just wanted a little change in scenery. You can see she was checking them out this morning and then gave me a thumb's up too. What a steadfast spirit she has about her. I could learn a thing or two from her about patience and perseverance. I wish a lot of times I could be more like her. Look at the smiles on her face as she does her coloring pages. That's how she is most of the time.

We keep trying to make things "fun" for her as she's healing, but she's the one that smiles through the pain and monotony of her situation. We bring stuff to her- like the dollhouse that normally sits on the floor, and she also loves to spend time doing the paint application on the computer. She's very good at it and can start the program all on her own. She inspires me everyday; she makes it look easy!

Just before we wnt to Minnesota one night I was needing a chocolate fix of some sort, so I quick whipped up a chocolate cake mix. Instead of just pouring it into a 9x13 pan I poured it into the giant cupcake pan and decided to frost it and let Wyndham blow out 2 candles in "celebration" of surviving 2 weeks with her casts on. It was sort of a way for us to turn a bad situation into something a tiny bit wonderful. Right away when the kids saw the cake they wanted to know who's birthday it was. =) I told them it wasn't for a birthday, but instead it was for letting Wyndham know how proud we are of the way she is handling having to wear double-casts right now. They were so excited to see her blow out candles and celebrate something like being home from the hospital. It has been rough for us as a couple (I could write a short book on that!) and as a family, and I know it has been difficult for Wyndham too. She doesn't smile all the time and sure wishes she could be doing what she used to be doing, but at the same time, I am proud that we're all still hanging in there as best as we can do.

That's one of the many gifts I think my Grandma handed down to me and now I occasionally find I pass along too. I told her years ago, after surviving the loss of a child and living through tragedy, that she had made the suffering look "easy" to me and so many people around her through the years. You'd never know it from first meeting my Grandma, because of the smile on her face and the joy in her life, that she had lived a life of trials. She was so good at trusting God and giving all her burdens to Him. I learned from her that you don't have to live a life feeling sorry for yourself. You can move through your sorrows and suffering and she lived her life as an example of that- finding ways to turn her trials into opportunities to experience God's love, mercy and grace.

I feel like I fail more than I thrive when it comes to stepping up to these life challenges. But I hope that even through my failures I will learn that there is reason to keep going. I am so thankful for my Grandma's life, for the love and support of my family, and even the inspiration of Wyndham in her suffering. She makes it look easy and that never ceases to amaze me. I hope to become more like her- and can sense that God is growing patience in me right now too. Not always easy; but it is a good thing.

I don't know if there's spaghetti in Heaven...

But if there is, these two could be slurping it and enjoying it together today. My Grandma Shirley passed away last evening and because of her belief in Jesus and His death on the cross for sin, I know she is in Heaven today. This picture of her and Teagan is more than 10 years old already. Yet I still remember the fun we all shared together and I can still "hear" what their laughter sounded like on that day.
Our family {my mom's side} and so many people are going to miss my Grandma and who she was in our lives. She lived an amazing life- one touched by tragedy and grief more than once- still she exuded joy and happiness to hundreds of people over the span of her life. There is so much I could say about her and truly, if you met her you blessed as a result.
We will be packing an RV tomorrow and driving from Michigan to Minnesota to be with family and friends as we share memories of grandma and our say final good-bye. We are sad on one hand, but filled with peace at the same time as we know she is home with God for all eternity now! What a thrill Heaven must be!
You can pray for us to have safe travel to and from home, as well as semi-well-behaved kids for 12+ hours, and that Wyndham will do well too. Although she is the one that is used to sitting in one place for hours at a time right now! I just know that my Grandma would be happy to hear that so many people are coming together from all over to remember her life, share in our sorrow and celebrate her faith that spurred her on until the very end. I'd love to tell you more about her and will do so when I get that chance. I look forward to seeing her in Heaven again. Someday!

For those of you who are checking in on us...

{Cookie photo and recipe credits go to Dawn Finicane at Vanilla Sugar blog.}
I made a batch of these cookies tonight and ate some of the dough plus two cookies. For dinner. The kids ate an actual meal before they got their cookies, but I didn't get around to the dinner part. That's sort of how things are going around here right now.
Not bad.
But not really the way they should be.
Or how we wish things could be.
Having a newborn in the house is a challenge.
Having a fiesty, possibly ADD 2-year old in the house is a challenge.
Having a 9 year old in diapers and unable to speak is a challenge.
Having your challenged 9-year old in double-casts is even more challenging.

Trying to keep life "normal" for the other three who go to elementary and middle school is a challenge just because of all the other challenges.
I have to admit I feel like we're in over our heads most of the time. I also will admit that I realize things could be worse too. Much worse. Or should I say, more challenging.

It's not the end-of-the-world to eat delicious, fresh-baked big chewy cookies for dinner. It's not like I had a wasitline in the past 9 months anyway. =) I do sit and wonder what God could be trying to teach us in all of this right now. Maybe it is patience. Maybe it is to help us empathize with others who have needs and issues that seem unfair or overwhelming. Maybe it is a time in my life for me to just "be still and listen". I'm not sure what it's all about, but can tell you it is harder than I thought it would be. And I'm not just speaking about the physical challenges. I highly recommend the chocolate chip cookie recipe linked above. And our whole family appreciates those of you who keep checking in on us and lift up prayers for us too. If it weren't for the prayers, I probably wouldn't have gotten to eat dinner tonight, nor cookies. So, thanks for praying.
From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Adjusting.

My parents left this morning to go back to their home in Minnesota. They were such a great help and support system for us this past week. We will miss them around here! Grandma Genie gave Ava her first major haircut and Ava loves it this short.

As for Wyndham, she is still doing well right now. Chip is doing most of her care and has a mattress he pulls out next to her bed so he can be near her at night. Things like brushing teeth and bathing are tricky and take longer than normal, but we're finding ways to modify such tasks and get them done. The kids are being very sensitive to Wyndham's needs and have been looking for ways to keep her entertained and happy. They dance for her and blow up balloons and turn on dvd's and just try to make the misery of being confined to bed or wheelchair less miserable.

Even Grandma found a way to involve Wyndham in making brownies. She brought the bowl and eggs and batter and spoon to Wyndham, and as you can see from these pictures, Wyndham wasn't shy about dipping her finger in the bowl to get a quick taste before the brownies went into the pan either. She is most happy when we help her to 'forget' about her casts. We still have a long road of recovery ahead of us {I say "us" because we ALL have had to make changes as a result of this surgery}, but so far we're adjusting about as well as we all could have expected. Keep saying those prayers for us and we'll keep baking brownies and try to dance as much as we can for Wyndham's happiness sake!

She picked orange.

Wyndham came home from the hospital yesterday. Just under 48 hours after surgery. We never expected her to do so well, but she was taking her pain medication without incident, so her doctor gave her the green light. I have to say that we were not prepared for such a good response from her. Typically she is extremely sensitive when it comes to nausea and medication, but I know there were so many of you praying for her that it shouldn't have been such a surprise that she came out of this surgery so well.

As you can see, Wyndham picked orange for her cast color. It's her favorite color. The surgeon said she was ready for Halloween and hunting opener. =) We are settling in as best we can- considering there is a 2-year old and a newborn in our house too. There is a lot of activity and not a whole lot of 'safe' places for Wyndham to spend her time. She has to be moved by Chip and can sit up in her wheelchair, or be in her bed or on the couch. I have a feeling that the next couple of months are going to feel long for all of us. Just trying to change diapers and figure out things like bathing and teeth brushing are presenting small challenges. Your prayers for our patience and stress to be kept to a minimum are appreciated.

I also have a feeling that once this ordeal is all over, we will be thrilled to have "normal" back. It will feel extraordinary!