She got her wish...

Today is Teagan's birthday. She would be 14, but as I've shared before, in my heart and mind she is four forever. This is the way I will remember her always. I will never forget how excited she was to be turning four. She wanted a butterfly cake and she got one. She actually celebrated her birthday twice that year. The second time she decorated her own mini cake with M & M's. She was surrounded by family and friends who loved and adored her. There was so much happiness and laughter in her world.

She got a lavendar Barbie Jeep and several other toys she wanted that year. She gave hugs and kisses in return. She was a bundle of love, joy, happiness and never-ending energy. There were days I felt like the luckiest mom to have such a special little girl in my life. From the moment the doctor said, "It's a girl!" and then placed her next to my cheek I felt something I never imagined I could feel. My heart overflowed with love and blessing at such a wonderful gift. She changed me. She changed me from the inside-out.

Ten years ago she was one of the happiest little 4-year old girl I had ever known... and she had a wish. A truly unusual wish for someone who loved life and lived it with such zeal. She told me several times in the next few months after her birthday that "she wanted to be 4 forever". I tried to talk her out of such a wish. Not that I ever dreamed that it would come true. I couldn't have known that it would.

If I had known I would have lived differently. I would have smothered her even more with love and hugs and praise and kisses. I would have breathed in her beauty and expressions and I would have taped her voice singing and laughing and I would have snapped a thousand more pictures of her too. I would have sung her to sleep and stayed next to her through the night just to memorize how she felt and soaked up her warmth a bit more. I would have run my fingers through her hair and wrapped my finger around her pinky even more tightly each time we pinky promised to love each other forever.

I couldn't have imagined such a childish wish coming true. But for some reason, beyond that which I will ever know or understand, she got her wish and that wish changed my life forever. Today is a day of remembering and wishing and dreaming and even for being thankful. I still feel like the luckiest mom some days. Today, as much as my heart is forever torn, I feel grateful. Grateful to have been given the gift of Teagan. Even if it was only 4 short years.

Happy Birthday Teagan, my little dream girl who still brings me to laughter and tears. You'll always be the love of my heart.