A mother remembers. {Long, detailed post}

"Because of you I have laughed my loudest, cried my hardest and searched the deepest part of me. I have realized my weaknesses and discovered new strengths. I have shared my soul with others.

Because of you I have learned to live in the moment and appreciate the present. I have learned to be quiet and reflect on the past. I have gained new insights and sought new purpose in life. I have learned when to hold on and learned to let go. I have learned to embrace what I cannot see and I have deepened my faith in the future.

Because of you I am more grateful, more humble, more sensitive and more forgiving. I am more open, more joyful, more confident and more hopeful. Although you only physically touched me for four short years, your spirit still inspires me each and everyday.

Dear Teagan~ My life is enriched beyond measure...because of you."

That's the journaling for the layout pictured here today. March 18, 1997 she was placed in my arms as she took her first breaths. My heart and life were forever changed from that moment on. I found new purpose in my life. Teagan made my heart want to burst and my selfishness suddenly was put in its place when she entered my world.

I never dreamed there would come a day less than four and a half years later when my heart and life would forever change because of her again. July 29, 2001, I woke her up and brushed the hair back from her neck as she slowly opened her eyes. There was cold air rushing into her room from an open window, so I tucked the blanket up under her chin and kissed her. She looked up at me with her amazing blue eyes and smiled and said, "I love you, Mommy". I wanted to crawl in next to her for a long morning snuggle, but that was not to be. Chip was ushering at early church that day, so I instead told Teagan to warm up for a quick minute and then it would be time to get ready for church.

She was so agreeable that morning. It wasn't like her to be so easy-going... especially when wakened early. But that morning was different. I didn't know it then, but I do now. Even when I pulled her dress over her head and then brushed her hair, she was just being so sweet. I tied a ribbon in her hair and then pulled her close to me and held her hands in mine and said, "Teagan, you look more beautiful than I've ever seen you look!". She smiled and said, "I know".

And then we were off to church. Chip, me, Teagan, Brock and Wyndham. After church Chip asked if we wanted to go to brunch. He suggested The Old Depot restaurant. We'd never been there before, but he said he heard they had the best pie around. Who was I to argue with the idea of a great piece of pie?!

We headed the opposite direction we normally took and had hardly driven a mile or two and Brock started acting up in the car. We shrugged it off, but by the time we got to the restaurant we had scolded him a couple of times and Chip even commented, "If you don't settle down I'm going to turn the car around and go home". I turned to Chip and said, "Teagan's being an angel...this brunch is going to go fine".

Moments later we were seated at our table and a nice family meal was underway. Teagan sat at the end of the table because when we walked in she said, "I want to sit by everyone". Wyndham was strapped into her infant carseat and for some unknown reason that day I kept the straps buckled.

Teagan ordered chocolate chip pancakes served with a side of peanut butter. She was sipping creamer of a glass coffee mug and talking with Chip as our meals were served. A moment or two into our meals I was suddenly thrust into the air and heard crashing and banging and I began to scream Chip's name. It seemed as though debris was coming at me for several minutes and then suddenly there was a loud 'bang' and I felt my body slump to the floor. I jumped to my feet in an instant and there was dust clouding the air, but I could see Teagan just a step or two to my left and she was lying down where her chair should have been. I scooped her up- even though I know you're never supposed to move an injured person. I couldn't help myself. I turned and carried her out a gaping hole in the wall and walk several paces before laying her down on the ground. Her head was bleeding severely from the back. As I placed her down I noticed her lips were turning gray and her skin looked pale. But she looked beautiful besides that. She had no scrapes or marks in those moments. I was surrounded by people within seconds. Someone began to do CPR on her as I stood up and ran back through the hole in the front wall. I saw a car. A woman sat inside looking straight ahead. I started yelling Chip's name again. I couldn't see Brock or Wyndham or Chip. I could feel my heart starting to pound at that point.

I turned and walked quickly back outside and stood over Teagan's body. I told the strangers around me that the rest of my family was missing inside. I leaned down and held Teagan's hand again. It felt cold and I remember saying over and over, "Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Help."

I back into the building at least 3 or four more times. Each time feeling more deperate than the time before. On my final time I bent down to peer beneath the car and all I saw were man's legs in khaki pants. Chip had on tan pants when we went to church that morning, so I just knew it was him. I was about to run to the front of the car when a man grabbed me and started pulling me back yelling, "We're going to flip the car...you have to get out." He let go of me and I started toward the front of the restaurant and noticed the woman in the car then unbuckled her seatbelt, picked up her purse and she got out.

I walked over to Teagan again and said to her, "You can go if you have to Sweetie"...just like I'd seen in the movies. Someone offered me a chair to sit on next to her at just that time and as I sat down I noticed my back was throbbing and my feet felt like they were on fire. I looked down but saw nothing wrong. My injuries were all internal. I was bleeding inside, and also had a huge cut on my heel, but there was so much dirt and debris inside of it that I didn't even notice I was bleeding.

I heard crying. Someone was bringing Brock to me. He had dirt all over his eyes- I held him on my lap and asked someone if I could use their cellphone to make some calls. I called my parents. They weren't home. I called my sister. She thought it was some kind of joke. Chip's parents weren't home either. But his sister answered. She thought it was a prank call too. But there was a strange urgency in my voice that both of them found ways to get in touch with our families.

Chip came walking out of the hole in the front wall/door and I heard him calling my name. My back was to him as I sat on the chair holding Brock. I turned and thought I was imagining the whole scene. His head was gashed open across his forehead and cheek. Blood dripped down his face and his tie was flung over his shoulder. "Chip", I said quietly. "Chip...Teagan doesn't look good. She's not going to make it." Then someone had Chip sit down in a chair. Next someone was carrying Wyndham's carseat to me and she began to wimper. Her eyes were shut, but I heard her crying. I looked over my shoulder as Teagan continued to receive CPR and I knew then and there that there was no hope for her.

I had no idea what the extent of the rest of our injuries were at that point, but I was feeling an odd sense of calm that God was in control. Just a few moments earlier I thought I had lost all my family. Now I sat there feeling the early stinging pain of muscle/tissue and nerve damage, but none of that mattered. I felt relief that my family had a chance.

Today, July 29, 2009, eight years later those moments are still so vivid in my mind. I type through tears, head pounding and heart racing. I will never forget that unspeakable scene; the unimaginable situation that thrust my life in a whole new direction. I write all this for me...it feels right to put it down somewhere. Eight years feels like the blink of an eye. I can still "feel" how Teagan felt in my arms when I carried her out of the building that day. I can still "hear" the sound of the 'whoosh...BANG' as the car first crashed through the wall and then fell to the ground. I still think of how there was no warning- we were eating a meal with never a thought of danger and there weren't even any windows so nobody even saw the car coming. I still remember the icy stare of the woman who drove the car as she sat just a few feet away from me watching the horror of the traumatic scene behind me.

I remember the ambulance ride. It felt like it took hours to get to the hospital. I was one of the last injured to leave the scene and I couldn't stop wondering what I was going to do when they finally let me see Teagan.

That wouldn't happen for hours. She was airlifted downstate and I continued to be treated at our local hospital for lacerations and x-rays. They brought my bed (I was on a backboard) next to Brock's and told me that both he and Wyndham would be airlifted to Hurley as well. When I was finally stitched up I was placed in a wheelchair and brought into Chip's ER area. We just looked at each other. I don't think I had any words to say. Even as one who is always too wordy. My eyes filled with tears and Chip mustered some half-smile as his own face was being stitched, and he said, "It's going to be okay". A doctor came in a few moments later and said he had received an update on Teagan's condition. "As a father of two kids myself", he said, "I'm not going to lie to you. It doesn't look good". I think both Chip and I knew what he meant.

It meant our hearts and lives were changed again.

Because of her.

Our little blond-haired, blue eyed, rambunctious, smart, funny, adorable, always ready with something funny to say, or a hug or kiss to give you, was gone. She was hooked up to life support for the next 24 hours or so and we found ourselves talking to people about donating her organs and we were surrounded by many family members the last time I held her hand and pinky promised to love her forever. One would think that would be the worst moment for any mother to endure. Yet I write here- even 8 years later- recalling the sense of peace and calm I had in my heart. My head felt like it would burst, but my heart never felt more assured that everything would be okay.

I cannot begin to tell you exactly what faith is. I write about it alot here on my blog. What I can tell you is that my faith in God never felt more real and more 'right' than it did in those couple of traumatic days in the ER with all my family clinging to life. If there is nothing more to life than just "this"...this living that we all do, well then, for me and my family, life is just a cruel hoax.

Beyond what the Bible says, and I believe it is true and can be trusted, I 'know' in my heart that there is a God and there is a Heaven (and a hell) and one day-because of the death of Christ on the cross and my belief in the forgiveness of my sins because of his death- I will be reunited with Teagan again. One day all the pain and suffering I have lived through forgotten and all the tears I have shed will be wiped away. One day God will redeem the brokeness of my heart and Chip's heart and countless others and we will rejoice and be whole once again.

My faith through this tragedy, has been nothing but strengthened from day to day. I have asked tough questions and cried and shouted and wished things were different and I've wanted Teagan back along with "the way things were". But I can honestly say through all the years of missing her I have never doubted that God loves her, me, us and others and He can even use this ugly situation for His purpose in life. He can bring beauty out of our brokeness. He has carried us through our darkest hours. One day I look forward to falling on my knees at His feet and saying, "Thank you".