Transparency.

If on that Sunday morning, Cindy (the driver that crashed her car through the Old Depot wall) had instead walked into the restaurant and announced to all of us in the dining room what was truly on her heart and mind, I wonder what would have happened. I can only speculate and then speak for myself, and after thinking long and hard about such a circumstance, I am almost certain that I would not have hardly more than turned my head her way.
She likely would have said something about being depressed and feeling suicidal. She may have talked about her marriage being one of strain and she could have shared that she felt like a failure and overwhelmed by her teenage son. She might have even said she didn't feel love or lovable in anyway- and her hopelessness would easily have been seen on her face.
What makes me sad and ache as we mark 7 years from that fateful day is that I rarely noticed peoples' hurts outside of that of my family and friends. Even then, oftentimes I missed the depth and reality of pain going on around me- sometimes because I chose to shrug it off and "their problem", other times because people around me are good at hiding their true selves.
Having someone's pain and hopelessness touch me in such a profound and life-changing, devastating way has caused me to be more sensative, more aware, more willing to be compassionate- more willing to really listen and desire to help- if only given a chance.
I started keeping a blog to allow my friends and family and check in with what was going on in my life and to see my kids as they grow and to watch our lives unfold in small ways. What I have found, over and over, is that our struggles is most often what impacts people most. My blog is now read by more people I don't know than I do. My email box receives letters each week from people who thank me for sharing the hurts and the Hope we have to get through them- telling me that it is an encouragement...which is crazy because that in turn encourages me.
It's about being transparent.
I firmly believe if Cindy had been more transparent with her pain and desperation that somehow, someway, someone would have answered her cries for help. I am sorry to say it almost certainly wouldn't have been me. I wish over and over I had been given a chance to make things different and that Teagan and Peggy wouldn't have had to die and others I love so deeply wouldn't have been hurt physically, emotionally and mentally. Including me. I wish that her desperate cries would have resulted in some other 'big, news story'...rather than ending in the tragedy that it did.
But people finding Hope and having their hearts changed and their lives given new purpose rarely makes the headlines. That's what I wish was different. I wish we could celebrate in a big way all the things that people do in life to overcome obstacles and struggles and pain to become something they never thought they could be. I wish we could see more people being open with the realities of their lives- things like broken marriages, eating disorders and addictions, financial burdens that seem to have no end, past hurts that haunt and affect the way people relate to others, feelings of failure that only breed anger and resentment and bitterness. The "ugly sides- the dark side"- the stuff we try to hide to make ourselves look 'normal' to others we face each day.
I wish people could unload their hurts and burdens and the truth in their lives- not to be shamed and judged, but instead to find a Door that leads to healing and Hope and freedom in life. I don't have anyway of making such a dream happen. I can't go out and hug everyone in the world or ask them if they need Love. But I do know that I can care. I do know that someone else's pain has made me more sensative and has left me with a longing in my heart to tell others the truth- that there is Joy and happiness and Hope and healing available to them- no matter the hurt they carry in their hearts and lives.
Today I just feel the need to be open to listening and to have that longing in my heart filled- even in the tiniest way. I would love for anyone that has sensed that I 'struck a chord' with you or with someone that you know, to leave me a comment (even just your first name or initials) so that I can pray for you. I will. I would love to be available by email as well {nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com } if you want to share your hurt/pain more specifically with me in order for me to pray in a more concrete way. I know that I can do nothing to change the events of my life from 7 years ago...but as I remember and reflect, I can only see how I wish I had more of that chance. I am grateful that I have been given a second chance in life- to love, to seek, to be changed and to find ways to touch others. I love that as the years have gone by that my pain has softened and that my own heart has been sensatized to the needs and hurts of others. I don't know that that is why our tragedy occured, but I do know that being transparent is the best way to healing. I believe that if I had held onto my own hurt- my anger, my grief, my unforgiveness, that I wouldn't have a story worth sharing with anyone. Instead, laying it all out there and depending on God for healing and strength every moment of everyday, as well as being supported and loved by so many family, friends and strangers, has been the key to the renewal and Hope that Chip and I have found over these sometimes long, tough years.
As I continue to grow and learn and experience life, it just seems to be more and more true. The way to healing comes not in hiding- just as a doctor can't diagnose and treat your symptoms if you don't put them all out on the table- but in being real and in asking for help. I am glad, in a way, that our pain and struggles were so big, so public that we couldn't help hide them. The outpouring of compassion and care from so many has been a reason for us to want to overcome. I don't take credit or want to appear as a superhero- but instead I share our story humbly and truly know that God has made us new. For that I have nothing but praise and thanksgiving. Even as I miss Teagan after 7 long years.