Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sweet memories.





In the midst of all the remembering and reflecting there has been lots of color and new memories being made in our home and with one another over the past couple of days. While it's true we feel Teagan's loss, we also have come to look at these 'memorial days' as opportunities to celebrate her life and the happiness we have found as a result of surviving tragedy.
I struggled so much with the fact that our lives would never be the same again and felt 'ripped off' in some sad sense that no matter what happened in our lives, there would always be such a void- so much pain and always 'tainted' by sorrow. That's what so many of the books on grief and trauma were telling Chip and I in those early weeks of our pain and despair. It was really dragging us both down when I'm not sure what exactly happened, but we both reached a point where we had 'had enough'. We didn't want our "new normal" to be so miserable and I certainly didn't want the memories that we were creating for Brock and Wyndham to be laden with only tears and sorrow.
I guess I am being transparent here and feel blessed to be able to share another side of grief- the one that we have come to embrace. The side that sometimes feels so wrong because it's as if you are leaving your sorrows and loved one behind. It has been a long journey to get to this point- I'm not claiming it happened overnight. But here we are and these pictures I hope, speak volumes in and of themselves. Grief has become a part of our lives- we live with it everyday- but it has not consumed us as a family and in many ways I see how it has 'pushed us' to be even better than before.
Better meaning, more willing to live in the moment. More able to enjoy simple happiness. More inspired to want to grab the time we have and celebrate just being. If I have learned anything through death and trauma it is that I want to be so intentional about how I do live the precious, fleeting moments of our lives.
I love that an afternoon with friends hanging out and {Chip} doing cannonballs in their pool and just soaking up some sun and fun has taken on a whole new meaning for us through the years. I love that I am able to watch my kids play and listen to their laughter and just see their creative minds at work and it fills my heart with gladness. I even tolerate their messes so much more. Sometimes too much, it seems!
I love that even though my kids will wake us too early in the morning I have more patience and find myself just thanking God that they are healthy and happy- and I appreciate another day, another routine morning of getting breakfast and getting them dressed. After staying in pajamas and lounging until noon today {Teagan would have LOVED that!} we finally ate some brunch and then I pulled out some mega rainbow-swirled lollipops for the kids today. I love that we can choose to make new, happy memories on a day that holds our deepest sorrows. One doesn't have to exist without the other and that warms my heart and makes me glad. I know Teagan wouldn't come back here from Heaven even if she had a choice or the chance to do so. I love that so many are still touched by her life and legacy and that even in her death I have never had to full let her go. I have been able to share her with others- and have a gorgeous bouquet of soft-colored roses in my home today- sent from a faraway friend of mine, letting me know she has been touched forever by Teagan.
The number of emails and prayers and caring thoughts from so many of you is nothing short of amazing to me and Chip. It was never our intention to live our lives the way we do. We simply find ourselves appreciating and creating and treasuring sweet memories~ old and new. It is our priviledge to share this side of our hearts and lives with you.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I read your blog every day and it is so encouraging to me. I love you in Christ. jana
www.writerwifemonstermom.wordpress.com

Claire said...

Hi Jody (and others who will read this)

Please pray for Briony, a police officer here in New Zealand who last night was hit by a drunk driver as she walked back to her patrol vehicle.

She is going into surgery this morning.

Love,
Claire

mel said...

I enjoy reading about the special memories you make everyday with your kids! Makes me want to do more with my boys. Your post make me think and reflect on life and living everyday to its fullest:)

Daberath said...

I love reading you blog; it is always such an inspiration to me! Thanks for sharing your life with us. You family is absolutely beautiful :)

Marisa Le'rin Salas said...

I came across you blog and I am very happy that I did. Your story has touched my heart deeply,every morning you are in my thoughts and prayers!
Your Sister in Christ
Marisa

Cyndi said...

You're wrong, Jody! We are the priveleged ones.

Thanks for sharing your life (ALL of it) with us =)

Have a wonder-filled day!

Pam said...

I don't comment often, but given the last to posts, fell compelled. I have been touched by some of your posts and giggled at others (put your shoes away and your cutie lined them up on the stairs!) Being present as a mom is what I am striving for and use your blog to ground me. Thanks for letting me lurk!
Pam

Susan said...

Thank you for sharing your wonderful message! You are so right about grief...I have learned in the last year to move past the sadness of losing my Mom and live the life she and Christ gave me. Have you read "The Shack"? You've summed up the same message. It's a great book.

N, K, D, E and Zoe said...

Hi Jody,

Thank you for being so transparent. When people lose a child there is this double sided emotion. There is always the loss, but there is always a future.

My sister lost a son and we still wonder what he would be like as a 3rd grader or what sport he would play.

We've also realized he's in every moment. His death made us embrace each second we have.

Thank you for just showing us your heart. I love to read about and see all the pictures.

In His perfect love,
Kelly