Sweet memories.

In the midst of all the remembering and reflecting there has been lots of color and new memories being made in our home and with one another over the past couple of days. While it's true we feel Teagan's loss, we also have come to look at these 'memorial days' as opportunities to celebrate her life and the happiness we have found as a result of surviving tragedy.
I struggled so much with the fact that our lives would never be the same again and felt 'ripped off' in some sad sense that no matter what happened in our lives, there would always be such a void- so much pain and always 'tainted' by sorrow. That's what so many of the books on grief and trauma were telling Chip and I in those early weeks of our pain and despair. It was really dragging us both down when I'm not sure what exactly happened, but we both reached a point where we had 'had enough'. We didn't want our "new normal" to be so miserable and I certainly didn't want the memories that we were creating for Brock and Wyndham to be laden with only tears and sorrow.
I guess I am being transparent here and feel blessed to be able to share another side of grief- the one that we have come to embrace. The side that sometimes feels so wrong because it's as if you are leaving your sorrows and loved one behind. It has been a long journey to get to this point- I'm not claiming it happened overnight. But here we are and these pictures I hope, speak volumes in and of themselves. Grief has become a part of our lives- we live with it everyday- but it has not consumed us as a family and in many ways I see how it has 'pushed us' to be even better than before.
Better meaning, more willing to live in the moment. More able to enjoy simple happiness. More inspired to want to grab the time we have and celebrate just being. If I have learned anything through death and trauma it is that I want to be so intentional about how I do live the precious, fleeting moments of our lives.
I love that an afternoon with friends hanging out and {Chip} doing cannonballs in their pool and just soaking up some sun and fun has taken on a whole new meaning for us through the years. I love that I am able to watch my kids play and listen to their laughter and just see their creative minds at work and it fills my heart with gladness. I even tolerate their messes so much more. Sometimes too much, it seems!
I love that even though my kids will wake us too early in the morning I have more patience and find myself just thanking God that they are healthy and happy- and I appreciate another day, another routine morning of getting breakfast and getting them dressed. After staying in pajamas and lounging until noon today {Teagan would have LOVED that!} we finally ate some brunch and then I pulled out some mega rainbow-swirled lollipops for the kids today. I love that we can choose to make new, happy memories on a day that holds our deepest sorrows. One doesn't have to exist without the other and that warms my heart and makes me glad. I know Teagan wouldn't come back here from Heaven even if she had a choice or the chance to do so. I love that so many are still touched by her life and legacy and that even in her death I have never had to full let her go. I have been able to share her with others- and have a gorgeous bouquet of soft-colored roses in my home today- sent from a faraway friend of mine, letting me know she has been touched forever by Teagan.
The number of emails and prayers and caring thoughts from so many of you is nothing short of amazing to me and Chip. It was never our intention to live our lives the way we do. We simply find ourselves appreciating and creating and treasuring sweet memories~ old and new. It is our priviledge to share this side of our hearts and lives with you.