Always be ready to give a response...

My faith has taught me from the time I was a young girl to always be ready to give a response for the things that you believe. I don't remember many instances while I was growing up that I actually had to defend or explain my faith. It was a part of who I was, and most of my friends believed the same things I did, so it wasn't a big deal to me to be outspoken about my beliefs.
I rarely questioned things that I read or heard, in church or in college; it just made sense to me and it seemed really clear. I knew what was "right" and I knew what was "wrong", and I tried to do good and not do wrong. I knew that God loved me and that because I believed in Him I was going to go to Heaven. My faith was a deep part of me- but it was almost always easy. Easy meaning, I didn't question it that often. I just knew and believed.
As I sat and watched a video of one of Teagan's memorial services last night, I realized that my "easy faith" was being tested more than it had ever been tested before. But, as difficult as the death of Teagan was to me and my family, it didn't shake my faith. I realized that I was "lucky" to have had this faith all along in my life, for when my troubles came, it was something that seemed to come naturally.
I spoke of this faith at both of the services we had to celebrate and remember the life of Teagan. I wanted everyone to know that I would be okay in life, even in the face of a devastating life change. I wanted everyone to know that I was going to put all my trust in God and just sit back and see what He could make of it.
It was much more clear to me as I watched the video of myself and my family, five years earlier. It actually hurt me to see myself and be reminded of the depth of my pain, physical and emotional at that time. I was clearly hurting...but I had my faith. And I see now, that it was more than enough to get me through that time in my life.
I'm also reminded of what mattered most to me in those days shortly after Teagan died...I wanted to go through life and notice the details. I spoke about that at her services too. About how we seem to go through our days and miss a lot of the "important" things- because we're not really looking, or because we're caught up in so many things. I was so thankful that I had savored my time with Teagan, even though I had no idea it would be cut short. I talked about how instead of watching tv, we sat outside and watched the ladybugs crawl around, and we watched the trees and noticed them changing colors from day to day. Teagan even commented to me on the day we saw the yellowish-green leaves dotted with red that "God must have gotten new paints last night!"...she was so excited. =) I think too many times we miss the things that matter most. You can never say "I love you" too many times. You can never take back an afternoon of just looking at the world around you and enjoying the wonder of creation- so full of colors, beauty, diversity, sounds, smells, and textures... from the orange-colored peels of carrots, to the rat-a-tat-tat of a woodpecker on a tree. From the sound of a cool wave crashing on the sand, to the taste of creamy whipped cream on your tongue. We miss so much not because we're not exposed to it, but because we take it for granted and we fill our life with so many things. Cell phones and timers, car horns and screaming kids. I understand that they are a part of life. I just want to remind myself to take time for the "really important" details of life.
No wonder Teagan had such joy and happiness in life. She soaked in all the little details, and tried not to miss a thing. Even if it meant staying up very late to wait for a kiss from her Daddy. I'm sure he doesn't regret that she lived for the details of life. He's got sweet memories of those kisses to bring to mind whenever life gets a little overwhelming. And we've got more kisses to give and to get from all our other kids- that we never take for granted. It's the littlest details that matter the most.
And in case Teagan gets wireless internet connection in Heaven and she's googled and found my Nitty.Gritty. blog, I just want to say, "Guess what? You're still the love of my heart."