Mixed emotions.

This morning as we woke early {compared to the past several weeks of sleeping in until whenever this summer} to get ready to send Brock, Bella and Ava off to their first day of school I thought the hardest part was going to be the waking early part. It turns out that it wasn't the hard part at all. The kids were excited, their clothes and backpacks were laid out and ready to go and I simply had to make and pack their lunchboxes and they were basically all set. Ready to take on middle school, third and first grades- respectively.

Chip helped get them into the car with all their school supplies, backpacks and lunch bags and then they headed off. That's when I turned back to head inside and start the day with the other three at home- Wyndham, Crew and Teague. All three of them needed soggy, saggy diapers changed and after I re-tucked Wyndham in for some extra morning sleep time {she loves to sleep in and would do so til noon each day if we let her} and tossed her pull-up in the trash I felt the tears starting to sting my eyes. I finally let the emotions fill me and hit me and overwhelm me and then I let the tears fall. I felt the hurt this morning like I haven't felt in a long time. This time the tears stung my eyes and my heart ached- not for missing the kids I sent to school and realizing how much they are growing up, but instead I hurt for Wyndham and what she will never experience.

In the past I have hurt for missing Teagan and wondering how grown she would be and imagining what kind of backpack and clothes she would have picked out to start the schoolyear. This year I am hurting for two girls who didn't start school with their siblings. I hurt for the dreams that I had for them when they were tiny newborns- like Teague is in my arms these days. I let the tears fall for the emptiness I feel for what will never be, and what I still wish I could change on mornings such as these. I would wish it so different. I ache for once holding Teagan and Wyndham's little heads steady as they started to develop the strength to hold their own heads up, and I wished the world for them- just as I do for all my kids. I always hoped to be the mom who could be there to help mold and guide my kids into the potential that welled up in them from the time they were tiny babes. I always imagined that I would be there for their mountaintop experiences, as well as all the milestones in between.

Today is a day for mixed emotions. On one hand I am thrilled for my kids and the education and opportunities that await them. I once felt like I wanted to keep my kids home; close to me and safe forever, but soon realized that that only holds kids back. What I really want for my kids is a place for them to grow and blossom and be challenged in order that they might become all they are meant to be. Today Wyndham didn't get that chance, and it's yet another year that I face the fact that Teagan had her earthly dreams taken from her at such a young age too. It's a day of mixed hurt and feelings and I simply had to write it down here- just to get it out.

For me, writing it down {It hurts... I hurt... it's not fair... I wish it were different... I ache for Wyndham...} and letting the tears fall is part of the healing process that I find I still need. Especially on days like this. The process of grief goes on- just as the years and seasons change. Recognizing that we have had dreams shatter and change and then accepting the reality of what is now is simply a part of our lives now. I know a lot of moms who are shedding tears today as they send their little ones off to school for the first time... or the 10th. They ache and it is expected. But I have to say that what hurts more than sending a little loved on off to school is not being able to send them off to school. In a few weeks Wyndham will be prepping for her double-foot realignment surgery. Her life is about to take on a whole new level of pain and suffering and challenge and that makes my heart ache so much.

I wish she could have come to the store with Bella and Ava and picked out new shoes and clothes and a backpack for school. But for whatever reason, her life is taking her on a different journey. I let the tears fall today, but my hope for her is to still give her the best this world has to offer her- even though it doesn't look the way I had hoped and dreamed it would be. I don't know that writing this all out does anything for any of you, but I would appreciate if some of you helped share our 'burdens' and prayed with us to be hopeful even on the days that hurt. Especially on the days that hurt.

My heart is still full for the 3 kids we did send off to school this morning. I felt blessed- even as I changed 3 diapers of the other kids this morning, that I had them in my life to love and care for and to hold and show love to. I am a lucky mom and I never want to take motherhood for granted. The mixed emotions are a part of being a parent- as many of you already know. I just didn't expect the wave of emtions to flood over me like they did just now. And I hope that just as tears flow from hurt, I can expect tears of happiness to flood over me in the days and years to come too. True, Wyndham didn't wake up to get ready for her first day back to school. But she is still here and she can hug me and laugh with all of us and I get to brush her thick hair after her bath in just a bit and she dances with her daddy before bedtime each night and she is a bright, shining star in our lives no matter what she does. I can't change what has happened to her and I still wish I knew more about who Teagan would be at this point in her life; but accepting it all as it is is shaping and changing me to be different than I imagined and dreamed I'd be too. I am choosing to trust that despite the occasional tears we're all challenged to be better than what we would have been if our lives had simply stayed on a "safe path". I am choosing to trust- yet again- that God knew all this in advance and He is holding us and guiding us through the challenges and just as a parent to their child, He has big hopes and dreams for us and will see to it that we grow into the full potential He has given each of us. His ways are higher and I'm so glad they are. My mixed emotions are another reminder to me that I need to lean on Him and trust Him fully. Joy or pain... He understands it all. For that gives me real comfort and peace. Even on these mixed up, emotional kind of days.