My "other" self-

First of all I think I should write another book titled, "It Takes a Village to Name a Baby". =) Thanks for so many kind, thoughtful opinions and even several emails that many of you have sent to Chip and me as we make the big name decision soon. I truly enjoy the process and want to assure you that we will choose the name we feel suits our family/baby best. Thanks for all the dialogue though, and for some creative options too. Who knows, by the time the baby gets here we may have Archibald or Percival at the top of our list! =)
I have had so much encouragement from some of my online friends and 'real life' friends the past couple of weeks as to how I look at this point into my pregnancy. I am 35 weeks today and feeling really good...probably the best I've felt out of all my pregnancies. I have to admit that even I am surprised at how much I actually have 'enjoyed' this journey- minus the stress and long wait when there was that risk of positive HIV infection. Beyond that though, I expected to be more moody, more overwhelmed and certainly more "round" than I am.
The photos in this post are of me when I was pregnant with Teagan {the first 2} and then when I was pregnant with Ava. I hardly recognize myself and hope that some of you have a hard time recognizing me too. =) I know that sometimes I put too much of myself and my thoughts and life out here online, and this is likely another one of those times. But I just want some of you to know that the happiness and Joy and really the changes you see in me and my family- physical, mental and spiritual- have been part of a long process. It's why I often talk of my life as a journey and I feel so grateful and humble when I do see so much goodness in our lives beyond our tragedy.
I truly believe that God has given Chip and me a second chance in life- He not only spared our lives at the time of our tragedy, but He has given us so many blessings besides. I never want to take them for granted and that is a big reason I share so openly- so publicly, the way I do.
I personally have had ongoing issues in my life with my weight/self-image from about the age of 10. I could dig out photos from my childhood through adulthood that captured this part of me as I grew up. It was probably my biggest challenge as a pre-teen, teen and college student. My grades came fairly easily. My sense of humor was something I relied heavily upon and it seemed to make up for the hurt/hate I felt for myself for a long time.
I guess I write all this because I know that there are people who struggle with personal issues- whether it is body image, self-love, eating disorders that stem from any number of things, or even just comparing themselves and feeling they never measure up. It makes me sad to think back to all the years I cried as I fell asleep and how much I really disliked me- for no real reason other than my weight/shape. I had parents and friends and family who never made me feel unloved because of my looks and yet it somehow was my deepest issue and really shaped a lot of the choices I made along the way.
I am no expert in diets and can't give anybody a magic formula as to what has worked for me to get to where I love and accept me the way I am... it's really a long list of things, and as I said, a process or journey that has evolved over a long time. I just want to give someone hope out there who might feel all hope is gone. If even to inspire one of you to find the Joy I have found and to be changed as I have been changed, well to me it is worth those years of struggle and I am more than happy to be able to say "You can do it". I want even that one person reading this to know that you are worth the pain and challenges and sacrifices you may have to make in your life to get to a place of contentment and acceptence. I'm no stranger to the battles that come at you- the ones that you hear in your mind telling you that you are worthless. Or those lies that you believe by watching 'perfect people' on tv and magazine covers and who start making you believe that you are less than who you are simply because of the way God designed your body.
So, as I've added on pounds with this pregnancy for the past 35 weeks, I knew I was in for some 'mental struggles', besides the obvious looking in the mirror and seeing my body grow and change. I knew it was going to be difficult and so I did a few things that I think have made all the difference this time around. One of the first things I did was thank God for the gift of life that He sent to me by way of a baby. I wanted to be grateful for something so amazing, so undeserved- something that others cry out for and long to have happen in their life. I wanted to look at this pregnancy not as something to dread...but truly as a gift...an unexpected blessing. I also have prayed many times that I would love and accept ALL the changes this has brought and will continue to bring into my life- weight gain, concerns, and even the sleepless nights. I have been so surprised, although I shouldn't be, that God has heard and answered those prayers. I have said it before, but sometimes find that we don't really ask God for the things we need- the really simple things, because maybe we think He is 'too big or too busy' to care. Instead, we move along in life carrying worries or burdens that He would love to lift off of us, but we are not willing to turn them over to Him. I think that is one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my life the past several years...God WANTS us to know love and Joy and contentment, but we have to be willing to give Him all our concerns- no matter how big or small they may be.
When I think of all the hurt I carried because I let myself believe I wasn't 'good enough or thin enough' for so long, I still ache inside because I now know that God loves me with an everlasting love and when I couldn't love myself, I was in effect saying, "God I don't like the way you made me- I don't love what You created me to be". I realized at one point that since God designed me, I COULD love me just the way I was. It was in accepting me and all my imperfections that I began to be able to change and become even more of who God created me to be.
I now choose to do things for my body and for myself because I know that God wants the best for me, and when my thinking lines up with that reality, it is so much easier to actually follow through. I'm talking about eating healthier, and not watching tv or reading fashion magazines or actually going for walks or doing things for other people that make their lives better. I believe that the less I focused on me, the more I was able to change. It seems so backwards- so opposite what you think you need to do, but really, that is when I have seen change happen in me.
When I started telling myself I didn't need a boyfriend to affirm my love and worth back in college, well, that is when I started to get asked out and months later met Chip and fell in love. When I began to just focus on loving life and others around me, that is when others started to love me back in bigger ways.
I was depressed through my whole pregnancy with Teagan, but can honestly say that the moment she was placed in my arms after her birth, my heart literally cared a fraction about me and was totally overwhelmed and consumed with her. Nothing mattered to me at that point, about my weight or looks or even how much sleep I would or wouldn't get...I olnly wanted to be my best and give her the world. I thank God that He allowed me to struggle through 9 months of pregnanacy with her- even as I questioned Him and was angry and depressed. Because in the end He gave me the greatest gift of being able to love more and give more of me than I ever had in my life.
I had no idea I would write this long chapter in my life here today. I actually meant to just post a few photos to 'prove' to a few of my friends that when they tell me I look so good this pregnancy, that it most definitely hasn't been true in any of my previous five. But instead, I have spilled some of the deep parts of my heart and soul. In so doing, I truly hope that someone else will be challenged to want to be more than they are at this moment.
Maybe it's the hormones and the squirming going on in my belly even as I type this that made me want to get this all out right now. Maybe it is the humble disbelief that God really does love us and wants us to bring all our concerns to Him. Maybe it's the reality that there is a life inside me, being entrusted to Chip and me to love and encourage all the potential this baby has to give the world in just a matter of days. Maybe it is any number of things, but in my heart I just want to share the good, the bad, and the reality that we all can choose Joy and seek God and He will help us become exactly who He wants us to be. That is a truth that I never want to forget.