Life lessons from lemon bars...

"When life gives you lemons, make lemon bars."
This is my new saying. =) There is a pan of lemon bars cooling on my stove right now. I made myself a little coconut latte to sip along with them too. I wish I could have you join me on my deck for a lemon bar and a cool drink right now. My thoughts would probably make more sense in person...and this is going to be one of 'those posts'. I can tell that much already. =)
But I would rather risk offending someone or being misunderstood than to not share what's on my heart. That's just the way I am. Before I get into my 'deep thoughts' I have to tell you that you can click on the ingredients and directions to see those pictures enlarged enough to get my lemon bar recipe. I use one from Cooking Light and they turn out delicious everytime. Like I said...I wish you could join me right now for one. =)
I wasn't just baking this morning as I pulled out the lemons and eggs from my fridge and prepared to make the mixture for the lemon bars, I was reflecting and thinking about how life does give us all lemons. As the old saying goes... It's true. We all have moments or even years, in which life just doesn't go our way. People and circumstances let us down. It's a fact of life- we all live in a broken, sinful world. Hurt isn't something we can escape- whether we bring it upon ourselves by our own choices and actions, or whether it comes from another source- natural disasters or other people or sometimes a combination of all of them. Bad stuff happens.
I stood in my kitchen just moments ago and realized that it doesn't matter what kind of lemons you get, or how many, or for how long, but it really is all about what you do with the fruit when it comes your way.
I couldn't help but feel blessed as I zested my lemons today and smelled the tang of the peel and felt the bursts of the juice as it lightly sprayed from the peel each time the grate pulled at the skin. I felt blessed as I squeezed out the juice and as I whipped the eggs til they were frothy. I realized how blessed I felt as I opened my warm oven to pull out the partially baked, golden crust. It felt almost spiritual to me- to recognize with all my senses through something so simple as lemon bars- just how blessed I am.
It was at this same time that my thoughts turned to the person in my life who has been most responsible for 'handing me lemons'...the woman responsible for killing Teagan and Peggy on that fateful day in July 2001, and altering so many other lives, physically and emotionally, for the past several years. I was struck with how time and soul-searching and years of trying to 'make something out of my lemons' and leaning on God every step of the way has truly changed me and softened me and made me look at life so differently.
When Chip and I were on the Oprah show sharing our story and telling of our forgiveness toward this woman, Cindy, Oprah asked us, "How do you get to this place?" ['place' here meaning the point of forgiveness]. I remember sort of wondering that same thing myself, because I was still having nightmares all the time and I was still dealing with muscle/nerve damage in my back and legs. Brock was still having panic attacks and not eating at a table- or many times, not eating at all, because for him it was too hard- it brought back too many memories and he feared something bad would happen again. Just from sitting at a table to eat.
At that time, we had no idea what Wyndham's future looked like. She was not growing physically and each time she got a cold or flu meant for her, an extended stay back in the hospital as she had little immune system or strength to fight sickness on her own. Chip still bore scars from facial cuts, three different chest tubes, and basically had just spent a whole winter trying to heal his broken ribs and gain his strength back. We were still a mess in many ways.
Yet we made statements of forgiveness and just knew that God would sustain us through our deep sorrows and grief. I know that God is the one who gave us the ability in our hearts to find and offer forgiveness to Cindy. We accepted what had happened and hoped she would find it within her own heart to seek God's love, mercy and grace.
When the next Oprah guest appeared on the stage (a woman who had been beaten and left for dead), Oprah asked her, "If you could invite your perpetraitor over for dinner, you would do so?", to which this victim answered "yes...I would invite him over for dinner". I remember then and have thought about that statement so many times during the past 6 years. I have never felt as though I could invite Cindy into my home and truth be told, there have been many times that I have told Chip, "I wish I could just go to the jail and cook a few meals for her or torment her a bit- just to give her a small taste of what she's done to us". So, while I have said I offered forgiveness, and I truly believe I have forgiven her in my heart, I don't always think I have doneso in my head. I have prayed many, many times for Cindy to want to come out of this situation a better person...I have asked God to show up in her life and change her hardened heart. {She has never apologized to any of the victims she hurt that day...she has never shown any remorse.} I think I have done an okay job of moving on beyond the hurt and accepted that I can only control my actions beyond that day, and sometimes I have done a better job of that than others. I have made an effort to forgive everyday...but I don't know that it has ever felt 'automatic' or authentic.
Until today.
While I made lemon bars.
As I pulled them out of the oven and the scent and warmth filled my kitchen, I actually thought to myself, "I wish I could invite her over for lemon bars". It was the first time I have ever felt such a peace and such an empathy toward wanting to know her hurt. I don't know that she has a valid excuse for her actions that took the lives of Teagan and Peggy and brought so much devastation in one instant to so many others, but I do know that she and I both live in a broken world and we have to make choices of how to respond to that brokeness each and everyday. Today, I realized what a gift I have- to live 'free' and at peace and to know that even when bad things happen to me and others, that I can accept that God is in control.
It's not up to me to make things right. It's not my battle to fight- but His [God's]. He only asks that I take what I've been given and do my best to make it into something. I choose to make it into something good and beautiful and hope that in so doing, I not only make life a little more blessed for my husband and kids, but also, in my own heart, I begin to grow more in love and grace- which hopefully spills over into the lives of everyone around me.
I am humbled and broken today as I think of all the wrongs in this world- not just those that have touched my family, but the suffering and hurt of everyone in this world. There are broken relationships and sickness and disease and war and pain of every kind in the lives of every single person. I wish that we could all see that to seek revenge only brings more hurt and destruction. I wish we could all realize that by forgiving ourselves and others, we stamp out bitterness and hate. I wish that we could begin to enter in to the hurt of one another in order to understand and grow and become better- more fully healed and restored to the way God originally designed and created us to be. I wish for me and for you to know that there is Hope and Joy and Beauty and Goodness in this world. No matter how many lemons we are dealt; no matter what shape or form they come to us. They can be turned into something simple...and amazing all at the same time. It's a matter choosing God and seeing the world through His heart.