Wondering.

I found a website with some really cute {I love the side-wrap style shirts and snaps for babies} newborn outfits that has made me think that boy clothes can be fun too. After so many girls I have gone through lots of pink and purple stuff with butterflies and hearts and so it's actually kind of fun for me to think about the more 'mellow side' of clothing and just seeing the small clothes is getting me more and more anxious to meet our next baby. A little boy. We're still discussing names andopen to suggestions. I have no doubt something will just 'seem right' in the end.
In the past couple of days I have done lots of thinking and I start getting in the 'memory mode' of the summer that our tragedy occurred and Teagan was suddenly gone. I look at Ava right now and she is almost the identical age of Teagan at the time of her last days with us here on earth. {They are just four days apart in age and so I clearly recall Teagan through Ava right now.} I can't help but remember, and wonder too. That time in our lives- even though Wyndham had had some medical concerns earlier that spring- still holds some of the best memories for me and our family. The kids traveled back home with us to Minnesota a few times and we hung out with family and friends and really just loved a simpler time and lots of happiness.
Teagan was turning into such a little lady- she was mostly sweet with a little bit of attitude that she would put to use when she felt it served her best. =) She was not afraid to play the role of big sister to both Brock and Wyndham (Brock was 2...Wyndham was 5 months) and would tell them stories and dictate the activities they would play. She would tell Brock, "we're going to play house and you're going to be the dad" and he would go right along with her pretending and having fun. She would invite him to her room to play Barbies and he never turned her down. He was her little shadow and the two of them had so much fun together. Rarely a squabble was heard as Brock was so easy-going and just seemed to thrive with Teagan leading him around the house and yard. It was a perfect match as far as brother/sister matches go.
Even with Wyndham, Teagan seemed so happy to be a helper and she was often at my side to help dress and change and feed and play with Wyndham. She would tell her things like, "Purple is my favorite color, but you can have pink" and "I have some coconut sparkle lip gloss that you can share with me when you get bigger". I was so happy that things seemed so 'easy' with 3 kids and that there was never an issue of jealousy going on or a constant fight for my attention. We were just happy being a family.
I couldn't help but wonder what I would have been doing in my life had God not sent me the gift of these kids- especially since my heart had been so dead-set against ever having kids. I found myself loving every minute of being a mom and I even thanked God {in my prayers and in my journal} for giving me the opportunity to be the one to watch them grow. I wasn't perfect in my role- I often then and still do feel inadequate for the task of raising and molding and shaping my children, but it was a wonderful thing for me and I was learning patience, humility and dependence on God.
The past few days as I have been doing my morning quiet times and reading through some wonderful stories and history of God at work in the Old Testament in the Bible, it makes me see just how thought out and planned our God truly is. He can be trusted in all circumstances and He never makes mistakes. No matter how out-of-control or upside-down our world can feel or be. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we never had our incident and Teagan was still here. Chip and I have talked and agree that likely we wouldn't have possibly one or two of the kids we have since Teagan's death. God has opened our hearts to His ways and plans and that has resulted in us being open and even exicted about more kids- where prior to July 2001, the idea of more kids caused worry and stress and we looked at our finances and abilities and it made the possibility much more slim.
Now, we're still not perfect, but we do know that God can use us anyway. We rely on Him for the needs and concerns we have each day and we know from our past experiences that God is never going to fail us. He will always give us the strength and ability to do and be who He wants us to be.
I have to admit, I still find myself wondering and questioning that the things that have happened in our lives and I still wish they could be different. I wish Teagan didn't have to die and I wonder what kind of girl Wyndham would be if she could talk and play and be 'normal' like the rest of her siblings and friends. But I have learned to stop asking questions, to let them go because there are no good answers, and instead, I look forward to the future and try to love the moments I have today.
Today that means I miss Teagan and still can remember her laughter and smiles and how she lit up our lives from the moment she woke up each morning {or sometimes noon or later...she was a night owl!}, but at the same time I can hear my other kids talking and laughing and I am feeling the kicks and stretches of another member of our family from the inside and my heart is at peace. (If you want, click here for most recent belly pics.) I will never stop wondering. But I have learned I can love this moment just the way it is. And it makes me love God even more. He is good and His mercies continue to overflow in our lives. I will never stop loving Him- no matter how often I question His ways. He is all we need!