The polls...

I find it hard to follow posts in which there is controversy or misunderstanding in what I write, so I have literally taken time to think and process and pray before I came back to share my thoughts again.
Each blogpost here at Nitty.Gritty. surprisingly gets on average 1100-1200 views. I'm not sure who you are or where you are reading from, but I find that interesting, to say the least. I really don't consider myself that exciting or thoughtful or well-written or even that controversial of a person. Really. If you were to meet me at line in Target having never read my blog, you would think I'm just another ordinary mom. Or maybe you would see me ride the cart out to my car and think I was crazy...but certainly you wouldn't point or whisper or think anything outstanding about me. =) And I wouldn't expect you to, nor would I want to stand out.
I have been very happy to just sort of 'blend in' with people around me- never moreso than since when Teagan died. There was a time in my life when our town was small and everyone knew me as "the lady whose daughter was killed in the restaurant accident". They watched me at church and at Wal-mart and when our family went out to eat. It was hard to be 'on display' knowing that whatever I/we did people would have an opinion about it. It would either be 'too early to be doing that' or 'I could never do what they do' or just the quiet, watchful eyes waiting to see when and if Chip and I would split up or any number of other things.
The first couple of months after our tragedy I found I couldn't even shop for groceries without crying or falling apart in the parking lot as I loaded bags into our car. Then one time I was so determined not to cry- I didn't even want to think about what happened- I actually wanted to pretend it never had happened. And hardly three steps through the front doors, someone who had been at the scene came up to me with a big hug and started crying- and I just stood in that embrace and tried to forget.
And maybe it was that moment, but I realized that 'it' was always going to be with me- a big part of me- a part that would affect how I think, how I feel, how I act, how I respond, how I live. Every single day.
But I also determined at that point, that I didn't want to live with that 'banner' over me. I wanted more out of life than just a dark tragic incident. I think I spent some time yelling at God about "how could He let this happen to me- to us?" where we didn't have a choice- even though my heart was longing for change?! I was confused and I didn't know how to 'live with grief'. I'd never done it before...I'd never read a manual on how to do it- much less do it well.
I guess maybe that is my disclaimer for sharing my story. I never signed up for or wished to have "grief" be the 'big thing' in my life that shapes much of what I think, say and do. I never thought I would grow up and be "a mom who lost a child at a young age and as a result also has a child with special needs". I never thought this would be my life. But it is. And how I choose to journey through life with it, I guess, may not be 'popular' or fit with the way others would choose to do it. I respect that. But I would also expect others to respect my way of doing it...and the fact that I share as openly as I do doesn't make me 'dark or obsessed with death' or in need of therapy as some suggest. I also don't believe that grief is something that will lead my kids down a road wrought with mental and emotional scars all their lives. I think it is one aspect of our lives- but it's just that. One part of it.
Just as others have their 'thing'...we have ours.
Yours might be financial burdens or alcoholism or divorce or abuse or depression or addiction or compulsive behavior or any other number of emotional and mental problems that are out there in our world. None of us are immune from the hurts in this world. No one. But it doesn't automatically make us and those who share our lives victims of that- we can choose how to respond. And that, I believe, is what Chip and I are doing in our lives- in our family.
We choose to remember Teagan and to share some of the stories and memories we have of her...but we also have spent years and energy to create new, happy memories and let our kids personalites guide us as to how much we talk about Teagan. I have never been concerned for them 'picking up on nonverbals'- which I believe would be the occasional tears we shed, or the way we smile as we tell them our memories. We have never made them feel guilty or ashamed or scared of death. I have no concerns for our children to grow up and read any of these blog posts. I think it will more likely help them understand and hopefully it will be something fun for them- to remember more clearly- not just Teagan, but their own childhood and antics and they will see their personalities grow and develop. I worry about my kids watching Prime-time network television and other things far worse than anything I have ever written or posted here.
All that to say, I appreciate the comments. I enjoy the dialogue and many of you choose to email me and encourage me and share your own thoughts and stories. I have gained deep friendships as a result of writing this blog, and I have also learned so much about myself.
I have never worried about 'writing for my audience'...as I said, there are more than 1000 of you and I have no clue who most of you are- so it would be impossible to tailor my posts for you anyway. What I do know, is that I enjoy writing. I enjoy sharing. I feel very strongly that God has a purpose and a plan that far exceeds anything I could dream up for my own life and by noting some of the ups and downs on a blog, I literally can 'see' how God is in control. That gives me peace and great assurance. At times some of you say you can 'see it too' and to me, that is only by the grace of God.
There is a lot of 'fluff' out there in the world and the media seems so full of negativity. I try to balance some of what I share with fun and depth and meaning, because that is what I seek in life. I seek to live a life of purpose- but a life with Joy and Hope...and with so many kids and a great husband, I would be remiss to not post fun, light-hearted stuff. It's just a part of my life.
So although I may not get the 'best ratings' when I post on certain topics, I have no plans to change the way I write, the things I write, nor be ashamed or intimidated by those things. I'm not in this for the glory. I'm just being me.
Thanks again to so many of you who choose to share your thoughts with me- both in comments and by way of email. And sometimes by phonecalls too...Mom. =)