"Folding the whites"

Somedays it hits me more than others that Teagan is really gone. I pulled out some pictures this weekend- looking for pictures to scrap. Coming across some of the ones of me and Teagan just seems so unreal to me. The fact that I never wanted kids- ever! Then I had Teagan and I did a 180...I couldn't imagine anything I'd rather do than be a mom. Especially to Teagan. She was such a fun-loving little girl. She had unstoppable energy and was full of hugs and kisses- no matter the time of day. I look at these pictures and it makes me wish I could just scoop her up and give her some love- the fact that I had nearly four and a half years to do that at any moment of any day was a gift. I loved it- but I realize now I didn't take nearly enough advantage of that gift when I had it in my life.
One of the hardest things I had to do in the days and weeks following her death was fold the laundry. I couldn't even breathe sometimes when I pulled the whites out of the drier because I was overwhelmed with not having her days-of-the-week underwear in the loads, and also because it was one of the things we did together. I would dump the warm clothes out on the bed and she would help me sort and fold...or jump in the pile- especially towels- when they were hot and fresh.
Not having those moments to share with her just socked me in the stomach. I would end up sobbing uncontrollably wondering how I would ever go on in life- when something as simple as folding clothes brought me to my knees.
Flash forward to today- and I ended up with tears in my eyes as I folded the laundry again. This time I was still folding fresh clean days-of the week underwear and seeing little butterflies with the word 'Tuesday' all over them just hit me in a new way. It's been a long, hard and winding journey, but I found myself unable to breathe- not out of grief, but instead I recognize that God has given me a gift. A real life gift of beauty out of ashes- of simple joy out of deep pain- of finding reason to hope and live again, where once I felt only despair.
I still wish more than anything, that I could wrap my arms around Teagan and rub noses and pinky promise to love her forever...just like I used to do each day. And there is always a part of me that clings to the memories of the 'life we used to have'. But the gift of new life, new Hope and new Joy is one that floods my soul in the most ordinary moments of my life now. A gift so amazing, that I can't help but thank God for showing up in my life and I find myself folding my hands and saying 'thank you' in the middle of a pile of laundry. Today and everyday, I am grateful that God sustains me and even showers my life with beauty and gifts. In the most humbling moments sometimes. My prayer is for others to be open to His amazing grace- at any turn, in any circumstance you may find yourself. For those who need encouragement for the journey today, may you be blessed with His mercy and beauty- as you need it- today.