The real "Secret"

I have spent time in thought, reflection, prayer, and reading and rereading several comments and emails regarding the recent 'scrap page controversy' here on my blog.
First of all, let me say that I appreciate all of the feedback, and it is good to 'hear and read' that so many people take an interest into what is said here, or what image is portrayed. I have to admit, that I never intended my blog to be anything but mere fun and games for me- a way to share pictures of kids with my family and friends who like to 'see' how we are doing, and then as I got more involved in scrapbooking and the ever-growing community that exists there, I have used this blog as a place to capture my memories, my thoughts, and play with my own creativity and learning that is still going on in my life everyday.
So, whether it is a new recipe of Rachael Ray's Raspberry Tart that captured the attention of my tastebuds, or the sticky smile of one of my kids, or a skunk that Chip ran over or the ongoing dates that cycle through the calendar and bring memories and reflections of Teagan and all we have lived through...I have been clear from the beginning. I blog about anything, but I try to keep it real.
"Real" to me, meaning, I am who I am. I share my real thoughts, concerns, my quirks, my perspective, and try to just be me. The good, the bad and everything in between. As a communication major, I understand that much is lost in the message when there is no facial expression, no tone to be heard, and often, limited context to the words that are written on a blog. So part of that comes into play- especially in this 'blog environment' where we bloggers have limited knowledge on any given day, who might stop by and read our posts. I understand that my perspective is not going to be the same as everyone else's...which is precisely why it is a 'narrow view' here. I can only blog about my own experiences; the things that happen to me, or how I respond to them, or my thoughts on events that occur...that is my basis for 'material'.
One of the themes that has grown and come from my experience, is the way I approach life and how I live as a result of tragedy that struck my family and killed Teagan. My faith is the only thing that has given me Hope, Comfort, Strength and Joy in my life since that day in July 2001. For me, anything and everything I do is only because God has given me the ability to do so. Each breath I take comes not from my will or based on any merit I have earned, but simply because God gives me breath. If you had been at the scene at the time when the car drove into the restaurant where my family and others were dining, you would probably be amazed that only two were killed, and that the rest of the surviving injuries have healed as well as they have. I was struck from behind, by a car driving 55-70 mph into the wall just behind my chair...I was flipped into the air and thrown several feet, among flying glass and debris, my legs and body hit a counter and ledge , and yet I was able to jump to my feet seconds after falling to the ground, where I stepped over a few paces, and gathered Teagan off the ground. I carried her out of the building and laid her down, when I saw that she was not breathing, and had a large gash in the back of her head.
It was at that moment, when I knew she would not survive, and the only way I would be able to was to turn to my God...my Faith. For some reason, I survived that incident. People die in lesser crashes and in 'freak accidents' all the time. I understand that I could have easily died that day, along with many others.
Part of that has been the basis for how I view my life since then. It has made me aware that none of us knows when we may face death, and that we need to be ready at anytime. I am certain of my faith and live with an assurance and hope of Heaven for all eternity. It gives me great comfort and I have total peace about death. I do not fear death...but yet, I seek to live life, as God continues to give me breath.
I am blogging and sharing my life here, now five and a half years after my brush with death. I write as one who has experienced great pain, and hurt and sorrow and grief, and who continues to 'bear burdens' and has ongoing challenges (physically, mentally and emotionally) as a result of that moment in time.
In the early weeks and months after this happened, had I kept a blog, you would have seen a 'darker' version of who I am today. As I said, I had faith and knowledge that God would meet my needs and somehow 'rebuild' my life, but it was a constant struggle and it consumed much of my energy and the way I looked at life was very different.
I write that, because I think that for some of the people who stumble onto my blog or just follow comments here and read bits and pieces of my posts, that part of the message that I wish to share gets lost in all the 'fun and games' that I originally kept this blog for in the beginning. Someone who doesn't read the link to the article giving more background, or someone who comes here and just looks at the pictures, sees only a 'glimpse' of who I am, and where I've come from, and how much I have had to rely on God to get to this point.
I make no claims to have Joy and happiness in life because of anything that I have done. I have done nothing to deserve goodness and blessing in my life...and yet I have it- full and in abundance. It blows my mind sometimes...that my messed up, broken, hurt and pain have been replaced with peace and comfort and blessing.
THAT is what I was writing of in the recent Tootsie Roll scrap page that caused a stir. I recognize that people all over the world suffer all sorts of horrific things. I understand I am not alone in that or unique to pain and grief and that life is unfair. It happens to everyone, I believe, to varying degrees. I also know, from the doctors and neuropsychologists and other 'experts' whom we have spent time with and been cared for by, that our personal trauma often results in some ongoing (sometimes throughout a person's entire lifetime) issues and scars that need specific care and attention.
THAT is what makes me want to share my story and be 'bold' about expressing my joy...because some of the books in my collection and the prognosis' we were given were grim and depressing. Chip and I have relied on our faith in God, our friends have been amazing wherever we have lived since Teagan's death, and our families have stood by us and that is who I give credit to for the way I 'look' in my life at this time. I write about the 'flavor' that my ordinary life has in light of all that...and that I've had to look hard to find beauty and goodness and love after tragedy, but that it is there for the taking, is truly amazing!
This is part of what I wrote on the scrap page, "I've lived some of life's toughest challenges. I've endured hardships...but at the Center, I have found PURE JOY!" It is to me, the miracle and blessing that only comes from God- no matter who is facing the hardship, no matter what shape or form that hardship comes, and no matter what the outcome...that God can pick up the pieces of our messed up, broken lives, and turn them into something beautiful-worth living again.
Without God, I was nothing before this happened, and I would be nothing without Him since it has happened. That's what struck me in my thoughts, and what my 'message' (for those who want to know what I am trying to say at times) is for anyone who reads Nitty.Gritty.
Christ is my PURE JOY. I talk about how I have to 'create my own joy' at times, but that too, I believe, only comes from God. I do not believe that Joy in life exists outside of God. We can experience happiness, deep peace, comfort, bliss, all sorts of fun or good emotions, but only in seeking God can we ever find meaningful and everlasting true Joy.
I doubted that I would ever feel any joy in life again, after Teagan died and our lives and hearts were torn to pieces. So I started to pray for God to give me joy and the ability to see beauty in life again. That is what you see on Nitty.Gritty. some five years, and hundreds of prayers and tears and going humbly to the feet of God, later.
Any goodness or fun or smile you see in my life or on my face or however I present it on this blog, is not about me...but only about Him. There is nothing in my life good- apart from God. My hope is that God will use the miracle He has given me (that is the ability to have happiness and contentment and peace and so forth, in spite of Teagan's death), and show others that they can have this same Joy that I know and love and thrive on in life. If God can bring goodness out of the depths of tragedy, than surely He can do it in the life of anyone. It's not just me. In fact, most of the time I wonder why God would even give me any blessing at all? I deserve nothing.
I have only believed in God, and asked for His mercy and Joy. He heard my cries, and I am now living a life that I wouldn't trade for anything.
If that somehow comes across as boastful, or proud, or too 'Jody-focused', then I apologize and I hope that God will show you that it is simply what God looks like when He chooses to display Himself in this broken, messed up world. I consider myself nothing...and God is my everything. Nitty.Gritty. is just the way I 'display' God in one small aspect of my life. My hope is that each one of us will continue to be nothing on our own, but to be "amazing because of Christ".