I'm back...

First things, first. Go here if you love Heidi Swapp as much as I do. I made a little book for her with some photos of the two of us together and I just got it in the mail for her. Hopefully it will get to Arizona by Valentine's Day. Oh yeah. I made her Chocolate Chip Cookies today too, and the kids and I ate too much dough and too many cookies. They were very tasty, but Brock says he likes my "bigger" (I make small, thick chocolate chip cookies) cookies better. I'll have to post my recipe soon, and you can have a bake-off in your own kitchen...Swapp vs. Nitty.Gritty. =)
Wow.
I guess there are a lot more people reading blogs on Saturdays than I had previously thought. =) Hi to 'Maggie' and all the rest of you who have chimed in on this one. It's really tough for me. Not in the sense that I feel offended by comments in the least. I don't normally take comments that way. I just always feel so personally 'responsible' for the way people perceive me or how they interpret my posts- even if they are misunderstood or debatable on occasion.
In light of that, I wanted to respond to Maggie's comment. I am glad that she took the time to pour out her heart here. People send me emails all the time, sharing their pain and hurts or links to other's they want me to share my story with too. It is one of the reasons I feel so strongly about 'keeping it real' here on Nitty.Gritty. I don't want people to think that I have had an easy row to hoe, because I feel part of what makes 'my story' different is that it HAS been hard, but it shows, I think, that much more of how AMAZING God is. I hope that makes sense.
I know that many of you 'feel my pain'. Others have lost loved ones and/or children and you can relate to my life on another level. And I don't fault anyone if they can't pretend to know my pain and hurt because they have never had to experience anything close to what I have lived through. That too, is one of the reasons I continue to blog about and share my personal journey in life. I figure if I can pour out my heart and someone can learn from my experiences without actually having to feel what I feel or live through what I do, well then, that is a reason for me to share my soul. Others benefit because of what I have to share- even if it's 'bad'.
However, there's a flipside to that, and it seems this is what the questions are about from Maggie. She's asking me, "How is it possible that you are full of joy and have more happiness than some of the people around me who are going through tough stuff in life too?" {I'm summarizing in my own words here.} It was asked here not too long ago in a little different way, and I tried my best to respond. I'm trying here again today. =)
It's true. I have been very transparent about Teagan's death, the pain we live with because of her death and the result of the rest of my family's injuries. I give Wyndham a shot every night- because of the injuries she sustained. I change her pull-ups and am learning sign language- because she can't go potty herself or speak- at age 6- because of her injuries. I bring her to therapy 3 days a week- because she has ongoing disabilities- because of her injuries. My point is this- EVERY single day there are multiple things I face as a result of our tragedy and I don't think there will ever be a day when that fateful day will not affect me somehow, for the rest of my life.
Through no fault of mine or Chip's, our hearts were broken, our lives were literally shattered to pieces, and our dreams were changed forever from that day on. It gripped me, especially, emotionally for months, as I had and still do on occasion, dreams and nightmares from what happened to me and my family. I picked Teagan up at the scene and laid her down and watched CPR performed on her lifeless body. That alone is enough to haunt me for the rest of my life. That's the truth. The scene of the incident that turned my life upside down is embedded in my mind forever. Or until my memory goes- if that should happen.
I think most of the people who know me or who read this blog understand that those moments and memories shape much of who I am today.
Which is the most difficult thing, or most extraordinary thing to see in my life- depending largely on the faith you possess or your beliefs about eternity, I believe. The happiness and joy you "see" on this blog I believe are real. Very real. I'm not making it up. I don't "fake" pictures of my kids smiling or tell you about the great relationship I have with my husband, Chip- when in fact it really stinks. [I could have him guest-blog again, huh? =)] I try to show my 'everyday life'...pictures of Ava pulling all the clothes out of the closet, paints all over, I even blogged about the time Chip hit a skunk on the freeway. SO, I don't think it's always pretty or 'glamorous'. I've blogged about Wyndham and Chip being in the ER and hospital. I've blogged about Bella's meltdowns at the mall and our friends' home. I feel I paint a fairly realistic picture of my life from day to day.
It's not always rosy. In fact, next to lots of middle and upper-class American people, my life pales in comparison when it comes to 'rosy-factor'. There are millions of people who have it better than I do. And trust me, I used to wish I were someone else...and I'll even admit that in that first year after Teagan's death, there were a lot of days I wished I had been killed alongside her. My life hurt so much, that I wondered if I'd ever feel "whole" again. I sometimes wondered if I would ever feel anything 'good' again. Grief and heartache consumed me, and my future looked bleak. Chip and I had moments when we would wonder how things would ever look 'bright' again...but we had our faith. God gave both of us comfort whenever we thought about Teagan's death. We never wondered about seeing her again. We missed her, yes, but we never doubted that we would see her again. Heaven is real to us, and we have the full assurance that we will spend eternity with her when we die.
It's the day-to-day living that was tough. I questioned everything...like why should I vaccuum the house? It didn't seem to matter. Why should I put up a Christmas tree? Why should we watch the evening news? Why? Why? Why? I asked a lot of whys.
What I started to see was that although there weren't always answers to those questions, and that pain that overwhelmed my heart, well it hung around from morning til night and never seemed to go away for anything...but what Chip and I did have was a God who was willing to let us cry, and scream and sob our hearts out to Him. He was always there to listen to my pleas, my anguish, my disappointments, and my whys. In all the times I fell to the floor crying out to God or pleading for Him to turn back time and make the nightmare of my life go away, He was always there. In the midst of my suffering, I always felt God. And if I wanted more than just a feeling, both Chip and I could turn to almost any page in our Bible and there seemed to be something written down that comforted us, or spoke to us in just the way we needed it too. It blew me away, time and time again. Our faith was the only thing that made sense to me when life had nothing to offer.
You can imagine then, that after several instances of "feeling God" or "seeing Him work" in our lives, that it began to be easier and easier for me to trust Him with all that we were living through. Very early on after Teagan's death, I simply began to ask God to "give me joy in life again" or "help me to see joy around me". I figured I hurt so badly, that I might as well ask for the one thing I so desperately wanted and needed (and to be honest, I never thought I would feel again)!
Do you see where I am going with all of this? It really is unbelievable. Not only to some people who read it here, at Nitty.Gritty., but to many of my friends, people in the community we lived where our tragedy occurred, and probably most unbelievable to me. I never could have dreamed, 5 years ago, that I could be as full of joy and happiness and contentment as I am in my life today. Never. You could have played a video of my life now to me five years ago and I would have looked at you and asked, "Who is THAT?" Seriously. (Just watch the segment of Chip and I on Oprah in April 2002...I don't even look like the same person...it's true.)
That's a long answer to explain why I am happier than most people around you, Maggie. I have been in the dark valley of life, and quite frankly, I hated it there. I remember one time telling Chip that Teagan's death didn't hurt me as much as being "labeled the 'mom whose daughter was killed in the Old Depot incident' ". I was angry about having to live the rest of my life with this ugly tragedy being the thing that people would remember me for. It was one of those moments when Chip and I started to realize that we didn't have to just let life take over and control who we would become because of our circumstances. It's powerful now, when I see how those thoughts really changed and motivated us and now have totally redefined our lives in many ways.
This 'same power' is not unique to us, or something we are keeping for ourselves. It's one of the things that I wish I could go on the big screen tv in Times Square and yell for the whole world to hear. Sure. There are moments in life that we have no control over...many of them lead us in the darkest valleys of life. It stinks there! It's painful and disgusting even, and the road can be very long- whether it's sexual abuse, drug addiction, financial struggles, divorce, parenting issues, shattered dreams, health concerns, mental disorders, discrimination of any kind- you name it- life has a way of throwing everyone something at sometime. However, I am living proof that there is a God (ONE GOD), who is able to pick people up or carry them out of the hurt that life has thrown at them, and bring them into a 'new life' and change the way they see the future. That is what God has done for me. Where once I wondered why I should even get up and out of bed each day, God has given me joy and hope and purpose. Where I had only pain and sorrow in my soul for the little girl I loved and lost, God has given me comfort and He continues to provide opportunities for me to share her life with others. At the times when I was ready to run from the pain and problems in my marriage, God gave Chip and I a renewed passion for one another, and instead of adding more pain and problems with a divorce, we embraced one another, we chose to stick it out, and in so doing, we have seen our lives blessed with the births of Bella and Ava. When I couldn't see my future past the next painful moment, God gave me a peace that no matter what I would face in the rest of my days, that He would be there to guide and strengthen me.
SO, the happiness and joy you read about and see in the pictures here, I dare say, maybe it's not all real. Much of the joy and happiness in our lives comes straight from God- I guess you could say you are watching a miracle when you read Nitty.Gritty. But that kind of miracle is available to you and to all of your friends. It's one of the reasons I share my faith so openly...I want everyone to be able to have what I have inside and out. God has said that "You will find Me when you seek Me with all your heart". My challenge to you and to anyone who thinks I'm too happy all the time, or "I wish I had what she has"....I challenge you to just ask God to make Himself known to you. Start praying. Start asking for His help. What's the worst thing that can happen? That it might actually work...and then people will think you are just "too happy all the time". It's called faith. I simply try to live mine out- every single day.