Debunking the Nitty.Gritty. myths

A week or so ago I was posting a response to the person who commented that I was so 'happy all the time'. Well, there is some truth to that. I 'try' to be happy as often as I can and in the midst of any circumstances, only as a result of living and learning that life is short and precious and should not be taken for granted and can change in a moment's time, and that it's not so fun to live life the other way- 'not being happy'.
However, I strive to be honest here, and I would be remiss if I told you that I didn't question my life and some of the things that happen, or that I just 'accept' everything as it comes.
I am human. I question and worry and get mad and sad and depressed and once in awhile a bit perturbed. Is that a word? Like, a little bit angry or frustrated.
This last week has been a trying one for me in many ways. Christmas brings it's own set of emotions and memories to mind, as well as vivid reminders of dreams that will never be realized because of the death of Teagan, and that life is 'different' for me and my family forever- even at a happy time such as Christmas.
Throw in a bout of the stomach flu, and now hospitalization and you've got real-life Nitty.Gritty. questions bound to come up. I am much better about keeping them in check than I was 5 years ago, but still, I have to wonder sometimes, was there something I did in my past that is the cause for ongoing suffering in my life and my family? Or could I do something different to prevent 'bad stuff' from happening to us...like should I be happier and love and appreciate life more, or have a stronger faith, or give more money to charity or what?! Sometimes I wish there was something 'concrete' that I could do to affect what happens in life.
But I have learned that there is not. I don't choose when things go well or when they take a sharp turn. I don't get to pick when the sun shines or when it rains. I don't have the power to walk a different path just because the one I'm on starts to get a bit bumpy. This is my life. This is my road, and for some reason, it seems to have a lot more twists and turns than I ever expected. Or at least pitstops to hospitals and having medical procedures done on my kids and stuff that is hard for anyone to watch- and these pitstops are getting more and more difficult to handle as Wyndham grows and understands what is happening, and also can express her dislike for her situation. It hurt to help hold her down for IV attempts yesterday and then it hurts to be away from the other kids and to have to take a break from what we were trying to enjoy as our Christmas tradition routine at home. It all hurts...and it has gotten more difficult.
However, I am sitting in Wyndham's room today, and even though I wonder why we are going through this again, I realize my experiences in hospitals and with life and death have changed me. Inside and out. And as hard and difficult as this may be, it has gotten to be sort of a 'normal' part of my life. I knew {mostly} what to pack in my bag as I took Wyndham to the ER yesterday. I enjoyed talking with the doctors and nurses that I used to resent in past visits- as though they were a part of the problem in my life. I have been shaped by the number of times trouble has come my way, and now I am not so easily shaken by it when it comes. I don't like it and it isn't easy, but I have learned to embrace it and it has stretched me as a person and I hope made me more aware. More compassionate. More grateful. More faithful. More humble.
Interesting to me. I set out on December 1st hoping to realize more fully what the true Chritmas spirit is all about. I think I have found it in sitting in a hospital room.
Now, I don't wish for any of you to have to spend time in a hospital just to find the Christmas spirit. I honestly believe there are better 'places' to find it in the world. I just want to note that I think it can be found anywhere at anytime. I plan to look for it a bit more once we get out of this room too. I think it's most easily found inside each of us.
There you go. A little Nitty.Gritty. tour inside the thoughts in my head while I sit bedside to my little sick pumpkin. I don't love this part of my life, but I learn from it everytime it shows up. So, in the end, I guess that's not such a terrible thing afterall.