Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Debunking the Nitty.Gritty. myths

A week or so ago I was posting a response to the person who commented that I was so 'happy all the time'. Well, there is some truth to that. I 'try' to be happy as often as I can and in the midst of any circumstances, only as a result of living and learning that life is short and precious and should not be taken for granted and can change in a moment's time, and that it's not so fun to live life the other way- 'not being happy'.
However, I strive to be honest here, and I would be remiss if I told you that I didn't question my life and some of the things that happen, or that I just 'accept' everything as it comes.
I am human. I question and worry and get mad and sad and depressed and once in awhile a bit perturbed. Is that a word? Like, a little bit angry or frustrated.
This last week has been a trying one for me in many ways. Christmas brings it's own set of emotions and memories to mind, as well as vivid reminders of dreams that will never be realized because of the death of Teagan, and that life is 'different' for me and my family forever- even at a happy time such as Christmas.
Throw in a bout of the stomach flu, and now hospitalization and you've got real-life Nitty.Gritty. questions bound to come up. I am much better about keeping them in check than I was 5 years ago, but still, I have to wonder sometimes, was there something I did in my past that is the cause for ongoing suffering in my life and my family? Or could I do something different to prevent 'bad stuff' from happening to us...like should I be happier and love and appreciate life more, or have a stronger faith, or give more money to charity or what?! Sometimes I wish there was something 'concrete' that I could do to affect what happens in life.
But I have learned that there is not. I don't choose when things go well or when they take a sharp turn. I don't get to pick when the sun shines or when it rains. I don't have the power to walk a different path just because the one I'm on starts to get a bit bumpy. This is my life. This is my road, and for some reason, it seems to have a lot more twists and turns than I ever expected. Or at least pitstops to hospitals and having medical procedures done on my kids and stuff that is hard for anyone to watch- and these pitstops are getting more and more difficult to handle as Wyndham grows and understands what is happening, and also can express her dislike for her situation. It hurt to help hold her down for IV attempts yesterday and then it hurts to be away from the other kids and to have to take a break from what we were trying to enjoy as our Christmas tradition routine at home. It all hurts...and it has gotten more difficult.
However, I am sitting in Wyndham's room today, and even though I wonder why we are going through this again, I realize my experiences in hospitals and with life and death have changed me. Inside and out. And as hard and difficult as this may be, it has gotten to be sort of a 'normal' part of my life. I knew {mostly} what to pack in my bag as I took Wyndham to the ER yesterday. I enjoyed talking with the doctors and nurses that I used to resent in past visits- as though they were a part of the problem in my life. I have been shaped by the number of times trouble has come my way, and now I am not so easily shaken by it when it comes. I don't like it and it isn't easy, but I have learned to embrace it and it has stretched me as a person and I hope made me more aware. More compassionate. More grateful. More faithful. More humble.
Interesting to me. I set out on December 1st hoping to realize more fully what the true Chritmas spirit is all about. I think I have found it in sitting in a hospital room.
Now, I don't wish for any of you to have to spend time in a hospital just to find the Christmas spirit. I honestly believe there are better 'places' to find it in the world. I just want to note that I think it can be found anywhere at anytime. I plan to look for it a bit more once we get out of this room too. I think it's most easily found inside each of us.
There you go. A little Nitty.Gritty. tour inside the thoughts in my head while I sit bedside to my little sick pumpkin. I don't love this part of my life, but I learn from it everytime it shows up. So, in the end, I guess that's not such a terrible thing afterall.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is way off subject, but as a long time - loyal reader, I'm familiar with your blog archives as well as nitty.gritty nannie's blog, aka Rachael your best friend. She talks about Ken, and his sister Jody. Is that your brother? Or is she referring to another Jody.

Anonymous said...

There is so much sadness going on all around this Christmas season... and I can get so sad. I appreciate your insight, helps me to be reminded that we have a choice... and I know that when I choose to keep my eyes on Him, rather than on all the pain and suffering, I WILL have His peace.
Praying as you sit there that you will feel our prayers.

jen said...

i hope your sweet little girl feels better soon!!

KatieButler said...

Another amazing post. Thank you, Jody.

Anonymous said...

do not waste your suffering- unite it with Jesus's suffering on the cross - and your pain will become sweeter, and easier to bear.

jackie carl said...

Praying for you today, Jody.
Hugs to you.

Isaiah 41:13...For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you'.

Jackie Carl
Marion, IN

Melissa said...

Jody, my prayers are for you and Wyndham today...I'm a pediatric nurse and I truly see how difficult it is not only for the child, but the parents who love them as well. I'm praying for a quick rehydration and that the rest of your Christmas season is spent at home with all of your children.

groovy said...

thanks for being so encouraging amidst your own trials. i had a hard day and and you put it all in perspective. hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Jody, I hope Wyndham is better soon and that you are back at home with her shortly. --Amy Nabors

Jan said...

Boy, that's getting down to the Nitty Gritty. Sometimes when things get really lousy I only have strength to say "life sucks, but God is good". Like I have my new family around me now in South Carolina and my 25 yr old step-daughter-in-law has terminal cancer. I don't know if I can go through this losing someone so young again (having lost my 13yr old 15 yrs ago) but as you say, it makes you more pliable and strong at the same time, having gone through things before.

Nancy said...

I am praying for the two of you!

(((((Jody)))))
(((((Wyndam)))))

Anonymous said...

I know of a wonderful book called "Grace Through The Tough Times" by Mary Nelson. It's a devotional and each chapter deals with the "stuff" of life that many of us have to deal with. Through it all, God is always there right beside us (if we will look for him). As someone says, life sucks but God is good!

patterns of ink said...

Julie, went up to the hospital to see you and Wyndam tonight (around 7:30). She called ahead and they told her where you were, but when she stepped in with a balloon, the room was empty and the bed was made. I trust that's a good sign. Enjoy your Thursday in familiar surroundings.

Anonymous said...

I am so inspired by you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights. You touch at the core of life. Prayers are being sent your way...

Denise

Anonymous said...

i so get what you're saying - i still sometimes wonder why i did that the Lord wants to "punish" us by not giving us kids...i know it's just our road & there's a real lesson here, but i have to wait till Heaven? not right. especially when i see the news reports about babies being abandoned (when all they have to do is go to an emergency room & they can leave the baby - no questions asked), or murdered. just not right.

hope Wyndham is feeling better!!

tammy said...

Hiya Jody~
So sorry to hear about Wyndham having to go to the hospital. I will keep her in my prayers. As usual you make me step back and take a good long look at life. Hope today is a better day for you all!
God bless~
Tammy in Michigan

Jody M said...

Thanks again for another post that makes me stop and think!! I am grateful for what I have in my life and for finding your blog!! Hugs to you and Wyndham..I hope she's feeling better soon!

Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you and your family.

Jewell said...

Jody,

Yesterday, I had the privilege of wrapping Brock's gifts at the Christmas Bazaar. He was so excited about each item he had picked out and told me why he had chosen each one. He brought a smile to my face when he remarked about the one he gave you. What a very cute and smart boy you have.

Hope Wyndham is home soon. Praying for you today.

Maija said...

It may sound strange but what scares me is my life has been relatively easy so far... Given I'm only 29 years old, but I have all my immediate family members still alive & healthy. I realize I am blessed, but it makes me more scared, as I feel like it's a ticking time bomb. When will something bad happen to people I love? How come some families have multiple diagnoses of cancer or car accidents that wipe out an entire family? Why have my family & I passed through life easily so far? I am more afraid and stressed by what could happen, whereas others are dealing with what has already happened. It makes me wonder which side of the coin I'd rather be on. But every time someone is home late or has a long drive, I get so scared.

Anonymous said...

Wanted to add my prayers for Wyndham.

xoxoxo