Intentions and Tonation.

After that lengthy post and so many comments and emails, I just have to add a few more thoughts in response to an anonymous comment about me being so 'happy all the time'.
As a media communication graduate (www.bethel.edu) I understand and am aware of my 'voice' and words that are shared here each post.
I always hope that the way I intend to 'say' something is the way that it is received, but I am realistic. I know that everyone comes from a different walk of life with different experiences and opinions that shape the way things are perceived. Including what I write here on Nitty.Gritty. I try my best to write things in a way that makes them understandable and clear...but sometimes I don't succeed in doing that for everyone. I also realize that the comments that are posted here have their own 'voices' attached, and I may not always 'hear' them as they were intended. As may very well be the case with the comment at the center of the last post. I just wanted to respond and reitterate what is the basis for Nitty.Gritty.
It is simply about me sharing the events of my life, my reactions to them, and my thoughts about them in a public place. Because of the enormity of the tragedy that has touched my life, that tends to be one of the main themes that I go back to or how I measure my day-to-day happenings- it's my defining point in life. I think it always will be.
Does that make sense? To put it another way, I often feel like I've lived two lives- one before our tragedy and one after. When I blog about anything, it's from one of those two perspectives. I find that the way I function best and have been able to 'move on' since Teagan's death, has been for me to accept what has happened and not get hung up in looking back or wishing things over again, or hanging onto something that no longer exists. I still have my memories of Teagan and all the happiness we had in our lives with her, and I still have the experiences that shaped me in all those years I grew and learned until July 29th, 2oo1, but since then things have changed.
So, part of why I may 'sound' or 'appear' so happy here all the time has to do with the way I function now. If I had kept a blog in the weeks following Teagan's death and the years of change and healing and recovery that I and the rest of my family endured, you would have 'heard' a very different story. Well maybe not VERY different story, but it has definitely changed and 'sweetened' over time.
The pain and anger and hurt and depression and unfairness and bleakness that consumed me has slowly faded and healed and recovered and looked forward and forgiven and looked deeply and is seeing a new world. A new life. A new Joy.
That is what I hope to continue to grow into- a person who has been broken beyond what she thought she could bear, but has been reborn into a person full of hope and joy.
Maybe Anonymous had only been reading for a few days or through the month of November. I specifially looked inside me this month for all I have to be grateful for. In doing that, I often realized that my pain and struggles and changes that have happened in my life the last few years are things that I can now celebrate and appreciate. It's been an important journey for me to get to this point, and on this last day of November 2006, I am grateful for the insight that I have gotten on this journey and my heart is full.
Maybe I made myself sound too cute and quaint; too happy and appreciative. I can't fault someone for 'hearing' me that way. I have said it here before. I welcome controversy or different viewpoints, because they make me think harder or search myself deeper, or question my beliefs. And then I either grow or change, or am strengthened in my own position. It doesn't scare me to be transparent, open and vulnerable here.
This is for me. It has been from the beginning. I am 'happy' to share myself this way, and I have loved the ongoing dialogue (through comments and emails: nitty.grittyjody@yahoo.com ). I think we can all learn something here. I know that I never want to stop living and learning and growing and becoming. Something better, something greater and something that is worth sharing with others no matter who or where they are. I wish everyone in the world wanted this in their life- instead of beating ourselves up, or hurting one another, we would all be evolving into better people.
That's the heart of my message. I want Nitty.Gritty. to offer hope and joy to anyone and everyone who reads it. Afterall, I have it {hope and joy} in abundance in my own life, and while I'm not perfect by any standard, I don't want to hog this goodness all to myself. I hope you have been able to grow and appreciate and find purpose in your life all month long, just as I have this November. I plan on taking my appreciation and gratitude with me into the coming weeks and months ahead. I can only imagine what my life will look like years down the road. =)