"Marriage is what bwings us together too-day"

This post is not meant to spark a debate {nor was that the intention of my previous post}. I'm not writing here to come off as a know-it-all or even that I have the right answers sometimes. Besides, I recognize that I am 'young' and that my beliefs and ideas are constantly being challenged, reviewed, refined and in the end, either changed to fit my new way of thinking, or they grow in credibilty and truth. And, in case you're wondering about the title...it's a line from one of my beloved movies of all time, "The Princess Bride".
I say all that because of where I am headed with my thoughts. Keep in mind, that is what they are- my thoughts. You may agree or disagree, but that is for you to test and find out in your own life. I like to share my thoughts, first, for me- I have them to come back to and to "see" what I was thinking on a particular day or in certain instances of my life. But I write them also, to make you think, and sometimes I get feedback and that makes me think too. That's what I like about blogging versus journaling- there are other ideas coming at me- often times they encourage or support me and even stretch me. It's a two-way street. (At least it ideally, Mr. K...wink!)
I had the rare opportunity of seeing about 7 minutes of the Oprah Show on Monday this week. Oprah's guest that day was Lance Armstrong's ex-wife. (Which, right off the bat fuels the 'debate' that I am addressing here.) The part of the conversation I caught, was about marriages and how the very basis of it requires that a person submit and lose a part of themself to another person- or simply the institution itself.
I listened, maybe not long enough to get the whole story, which is why I am not knocking Oprah and her show, but long enough to want to share some of my own thoughts and the questions it raised in me.
First off, let me say that I fully believe that it is not right for every person to be married in this world. In fact, I know several people who are married who would have been "better off" staying single. Or at least single long enough to learn that they indeed wanted to be married. I think people marry for the wrong reasons all the time. I think weddings have become 'big business' and they create a longing in some hearts- which draws people to 'think' they want to be married, when in fact, they just want a really cool, big, personalized party with lots of fanfare and fun- or maybe simply are craving love and attention...and weddings can certainly fill that longing.
I also have been married for 11 years, so what I'm saying comes from that perspective and that I understand some of the challenges and issues that marriage can bring into life.
The idea that marriage means losing yourself can be very real in a lot of relationships. However, I believe that it comes from things being out-of-balance in the lives of the married couple- not from the marriage itself. Oprah suggests that she hasn't married because she didn't want to give up a part of herself- probably the part she feels she has worked very hard for in life. And I think it's great that she has recognized that within, and not gotten married. It very likely would have ended by now. She has a big name and a self-confidence and lots of people pulling her in every direction at any given time. To think that she could share all that within a marriage and not have issues seems impossible to me (although she could pull it off if she chose to, with the right person and only with God at the center). I applaud her for 'knowing' that she shouldn't marry and for being smart and following her own intuition.
But, I still have issues with the idea that marriage somehow often means that one or the other person loses a part of themselves in the process. That certianly happens alot, but I believe it is a result of people's choices and ultimately can point back to the fact that we live in a broken (sinful) world. So, why would marriages be any different? I think that if a marriage is based on love and respect and keeps God at the very center, it is very difficult for that marriage to fall apart. Not that it can't ever fall apart- because even some of the greatest marriages have failed; not because of marriage- but because the people married are human.
The example of Lance Armstrong's ex-wife made me sad. Just like when I talked about Nick and Jessica. The very fact that I can't type this lady's name because she is referred to as another person's ex-wife is part of the problem. I'm sure her name was flashed up on the screen at various times throughout the show. I'm sure Oprah introduced her and called her by her name- but she talked about losing herself- and yet she goes by someone else's title in life- still! I am not passing blame here, but I would think she would want to go first by her name...and then occasionally use the title- as a reference maybe, for people to understand her crediblity. Or in my case-to think through some of the issues that resulted in her divorce. She talked about always giving and always seeing herself in light of her husband. It's sad that she and HE were willing to sacrifice their marriage for the things that they did. Again, I don't know all the reasons, but I'm sure a big part of it was Lance's career and fame. It's obvious that to be where he's at in his game (biking) required him to take more from the relationship and marriage that he gave.
I think that's what happens in many marriages. Other things- jobs, money, self-image, kids, the belief that you are owed 'more' out of life...any number of things- become the priority, and that sets up marriage for failure. Virtually every time.
In the end, I can say that marriage is not an easy thing. If it is easy for you, then you must be doing it absolutely right all the time- and that can only be done, I believe, with God at the center too. That's how He designed marriage. He wants each person to love Him first, the other second, and themselves last. It should never be a situation where a person loses themself, but it should be a place where you 'find' yourself and become all that God has designed you to be- if He so intended you to be married in the first place.
That's my take on all this. As always, the place for your questions/concerns/feedback/support is open for you to do so in the comments or in an email to me. Next stop for me? To google Lance Armstrong and see how far down I have to go before I find his ex-wife's name. =)