It takes me back.

I have to be honest here, since that's what I believe my Nitty.Gritty. is all about. I don't want you all to start believing that I am a superhero or something.
Yesterday, as the day went on, I realized that I still hold some 'raw', edgey feelings inside. After last week, where I thought about, prayed about, talked about, and then watched a part of my life's story (the very moments that altered the course of my life forever) unfold in front of me again, I was very in touch with those feelings I still carry around with me. {See my July archives for more of my story.} I guess I have gotten good at moving through my day to day routine without digging them up all the time. Some days, for various reasons as I just noted, those feelings come rushing back at full speed.
I found myself "slipping" throughout the day, and the hurt and pain and reality of my life kind of overwhelmed me. More than it has in a long time. My throat hurt. I ached in my heart and hurt for myself and the stuff I live with as a result of our tragedy. Not that I'm owed a pain-free life or have it so rough...but still, I found myself wishing.
I was wishing I didn't have to take Wyndham to and from therapy- that she could walk and talk just like lots of kids her age. I was wishing I didn't have to change her pants and give her a shot- because everytime I do those things it is a constant reminder that no matter how many days have passed since our incident, we still bear scars. And there will always be pain and hurt because of what happened to us that day.
So, I was getting snippy with the kids. Which I always find ironic- that the more I miss Teagan and the way my life could have turned out, causes me to snap at every little thing. You'd think I would be hugging my kids more and giving them a break. But for some reason, I start feeling sorry for myself and they get the short end of it all. Now, maybe they just were pushing my buttons more than usual, maybe it was the rainy, drizzly day. Maybe it was that I didn't get my morning bike ride in- I don't know.
I finally told myself that maybe I needed to hear my own message. Even though I'd heard it and seen it the day before, I felt like I needed to reassure my inner being. I think I needed to see that I wasn't just saying the words, but that I still believe them in my own heart. So, I pulled out the video of Teagan's first memorial service. It was held not quite one month after her death. Both Chip and I spoke at her service. I had myself in tears. Definitely a mixture of tears- those of sorrow and of relief. What surprised me most is that after watching and listening to myself and Chip, I found that our story hasn't changed- even after 5 years.
Much of what we said at Teagan's service was what we repeated in church on Sunday. That same peace and hope that I share with you on this blog and that I feel in my life, was what we talked about since the very beginning of all of this. Our pastor at that time talked in great length about the two of us, and that we how we were responding to our incident was simply an extension of what we felt inside. We had a deep faith, a deep peace and an even greater hope- that we will see Teagan again someday. We were living our faith.
I thanked God through my tears yesterday, for giving me those gifts. The fact that I feel sorrow and sadness doesn't mean that my faith is waivering, but that I am still on the journey toward what I hope you all seek. The journey toward Heaven- where we will not be separated from God any longer. I realize the ache in my heart sometimes isn't because I don't feel or believe the reality of my faith- but that I long for it to be complete. I know that can only happen in one place- in the presence of God.
Until I reach that glorious destiny, I guess I should expect times in my life to take me back. And thankfully, when I go back to that 'place' in my heart, I find what I need to get me through. Faith and hope and eyes that look forward to eternity. There's nothing better than knowing that you are on the right track. I thank God for His continued grace and assurance in my life. I hope you find it in your life each day too.