Tuesday, August 29, 2006

It takes me back.

I have to be honest here, since that's what I believe my Nitty.Gritty. is all about. I don't want you all to start believing that I am a superhero or something.
Yesterday, as the day went on, I realized that I still hold some 'raw', edgey feelings inside. After last week, where I thought about, prayed about, talked about, and then watched a part of my life's story (the very moments that altered the course of my life forever) unfold in front of me again, I was very in touch with those feelings I still carry around with me. {See my July archives for more of my story.} I guess I have gotten good at moving through my day to day routine without digging them up all the time. Some days, for various reasons as I just noted, those feelings come rushing back at full speed.
I found myself "slipping" throughout the day, and the hurt and pain and reality of my life kind of overwhelmed me. More than it has in a long time. My throat hurt. I ached in my heart and hurt for myself and the stuff I live with as a result of our tragedy. Not that I'm owed a pain-free life or have it so rough...but still, I found myself wishing.
I was wishing I didn't have to take Wyndham to and from therapy- that she could walk and talk just like lots of kids her age. I was wishing I didn't have to change her pants and give her a shot- because everytime I do those things it is a constant reminder that no matter how many days have passed since our incident, we still bear scars. And there will always be pain and hurt because of what happened to us that day.
So, I was getting snippy with the kids. Which I always find ironic- that the more I miss Teagan and the way my life could have turned out, causes me to snap at every little thing. You'd think I would be hugging my kids more and giving them a break. But for some reason, I start feeling sorry for myself and they get the short end of it all. Now, maybe they just were pushing my buttons more than usual, maybe it was the rainy, drizzly day. Maybe it was that I didn't get my morning bike ride in- I don't know.
I finally told myself that maybe I needed to hear my own message. Even though I'd heard it and seen it the day before, I felt like I needed to reassure my inner being. I think I needed to see that I wasn't just saying the words, but that I still believe them in my own heart. So, I pulled out the video of Teagan's first memorial service. It was held not quite one month after her death. Both Chip and I spoke at her service. I had myself in tears. Definitely a mixture of tears- those of sorrow and of relief. What surprised me most is that after watching and listening to myself and Chip, I found that our story hasn't changed- even after 5 years.
Much of what we said at Teagan's service was what we repeated in church on Sunday. That same peace and hope that I share with you on this blog and that I feel in my life, was what we talked about since the very beginning of all of this. Our pastor at that time talked in great length about the two of us, and that we how we were responding to our incident was simply an extension of what we felt inside. We had a deep faith, a deep peace and an even greater hope- that we will see Teagan again someday. We were living our faith.
I thanked God through my tears yesterday, for giving me those gifts. The fact that I feel sorrow and sadness doesn't mean that my faith is waivering, but that I am still on the journey toward what I hope you all seek. The journey toward Heaven- where we will not be separated from God any longer. I realize the ache in my heart sometimes isn't because I don't feel or believe the reality of my faith- but that I long for it to be complete. I know that can only happen in one place- in the presence of God.
Until I reach that glorious destiny, I guess I should expect times in my life to take me back. And thankfully, when I go back to that 'place' in my heart, I find what I need to get me through. Faith and hope and eyes that look forward to eternity. There's nothing better than knowing that you are on the right track. I thank God for His continued grace and assurance in my life. I hope you find it in your life each day too.

12 comments:

Sylvie said...

I think you are great. I am so inspired by your story and your perserverance. I am sure you have those moments where you dont feel so great, but you are human. The things is you recognize God's grace. But see we have to grow in Grace. That is why we still have those moments where we feel sorry for ourselves, we are still growing in Grace. So continue to grow in grace my sister.

rose said...

oh jody! i just read your blog for today, and i pray that you feel His arms around you, holding you the closest, when you are at your most broken...
XXXOOO
rose

Janna said...

I'm praying for you and your family Jody. I could feel the weight of the hurt that you re-lived yesterday. I can sort of identify with that... but not quite as personally. One of my life-long friends was murdered two years ago and sometimes I have days when the hurt and the unbelievable loss comes back in full force too. You just get this knot in your stomach and throat and nothing seems fair and you want to just collapse and sob... but then you remember how God enveloped you and carried you through the wake of the tragedy with His amazing grace and His peace that is beyond all understanding. What you described in church (I listened to the mp3) is exactly what we all experienced as well, 2 years ago, with the death of my friend and his fiance... God just completely enveloped us and we never felt closer than when we were completely broken and helpless. He's so sweet and amazing like that. And like Chip said in the church service... he went from believing to knowing... and we most certainly did too. God bless you guys! I absolutely adore you for your willingness to share your story and how you give God glory continuously. He's touched and transformed many lives through the untimely death of your little Teagan. I'm sure that if she's privy to what's happened here since her death... and what God has done through it all... she would be humbled and amazed.

Anonymous said...

God wants us to UNITE our sufferings
w/ His Son Jesus and His Passion on the cross. I know that when i do this the pain and heartbreak are easier to bear.

shawnna said...

so happy i read your blog today :0)

Portia said...

So real... so very, very real.

Thanks for reminding us how "real" life is.

Hugs for you today (and everyday!)

annette said...

I am sending my love & a sense of peace to you, this day. Jody, your faith helps me to draw closer to my Lord...your precious Teagan must be so proud of her Momma.

Cris said...

(((((((((((((JODY)))))))))))))))

Anonymous said...

I've been reading this site for quite some time now and I can't see how it would be God's will for your four year old daughter to get run over by a car.

God ain't like that in my book.

Rebecca said...

I have been following your story for a long time now. May He be glorified through your story. I pray that somehow He would use your pain to bring healing to others. Day by day, girl! Sending {{{hugs}}}

CrazyMomOfThree said...

Setting aside all that you have been through that is extraordinary, we all have days as mothers especially when we feel completely overwhelmed, like we're on the verge of losing it. It's part of human nature. Now, layer on top of that everything that has happened to you, and I would imagine that the weight of it all could be almost crushing at times. But, you've found this wonderful outlet to scream out to the world that it is God's strength that is lifting your load, not by your own accord. The little step back in time you experienced yesterday was simply the devil that is the evil part of our human nature trying to focus your eyes on you instead of HIM~! I know it's stupid, but years ago, someone told me that when you start having those thoughts that you know are wrong, you simply tell God that the devil is knocking at your door, and that you need Him to answer it for you! Unfortunately, I have to ask God to serve as my butler about 7,000 times per day!!!!!!!!
Jody, you are an inspiration. You need to know that you are reaching people. Every minute. Every day. My friend linked me up with you several weeks ago, and since that time, I have forwarded this link along with an encouragement to about 3 dozen of my closest friends and family. Since then, at least 1/2 of them have thanked me for doing so, and have forwarded it on to those they love as well. Your vision of heaven will be exactly as you said -- Teagan waiting for you amongst the crowds of people who are there, in part, because of you.

Jenny said...

Hugs for you Jody!

Somedays there just aren't words, but a virtual hug from one mommy to another ;)