Friday, April 28, 2006

My gut hurt...

Yesterday morning I got a phonecall from a close friend telling me that some acquaintances had just received the terrible news that their 18 year old daughter had been killed in a terrible accident. Chills went up and down my spine, my throat got tight, my gut hurt, and for the rest of the day, I relived my own experience of overwhelming grief, pain and heartache.
My hubby would say that I've said enough on this subject- that you've heard all you need to hear. But this is where I come to process my thoughts, to spill out my feelings and to learn from my own words. So, today is one of the days where I do just that. I tell myself what I already know. I revisit some of the lessons I've learned over and over in life. I remind myself of the truths I've experienced- and hope to gain maybe a bit more insight. Or appreciate my life, right now, a little bit more- even though I thought I was already doing a good job of that. I listen to the messages my heart is pouring out once more.
I never would have dreamed that I would be one who understands another mom's ache for the loss of her daughter. That's where the hurt in my gut came from all day yesterday. My mind raced and remembered all the painful moments that have consumed me since the death of Teagan. I know- through my own life experiences- that the road ahead of the family whose path crossed with that of unexpected death is not an easy journey to take. It is one they will wish they could jump off of every morning when they wake. It is one that will try every last ounce of the strength of their soul. It is one that forever taints every happy moment they will experience in life again- life will never be the same- as innocent, as easy, as carefree. Their hearts will bear scars forever.
I was consumed with these thoughts all day and can't help but wonder what it all means in the grand scheme of life. It reminds me that life isn't fair. It reminds me that pain and grief is something anybody can face at any moment in time. It reminds me again of how precious time is with our loved ones. It reminds me of how so many things in our lives are not really as important as we think they are- we would love more and just simply BE- if we knew it was the last day with the ones we care most about. We can't take back time. We can't change the past. We can simply live in the moment we have today.
In nearly five years, I've learned that life hurts too much when you look at it in reverse. I'm not saying I don't revisit memories of Teagan or the moments of bliss we shared. But, I've found to focus on what I had and what I wished I'd done differently, or what could have happened instead of what did happen- brings me down. It creates a wound that can never heal. The only cure I've found is my faith. The faith that gives me HOPE and PEACE and COMFORT and JOY in life again. It tells me of a future in Heaven where all the questions I have will be answered; where the pain of living will be understood. It is how I live- it is believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse. It is the reality I live in that Heaven isn't really that far off- it is only a breath away and we are all "mists who appear for a short time and then vanish". It is what keeps me going in the darkest moments, it picks me up and helps me see beauty in life- the here and now every single day. I hope my experience helps to bring out the best in others' lives. That you can appreciate your journey because of the way I've learned to walk mine.
My heart goes out to Newell, Colleen and Carly. I hurt because I understand the hurt they are feeling and will feel for years to come. But I also have a picture in my mind that brings a smile to my face. It is one of their beautiful daughter, Whitney. She is glowing from the light of Heaven around her today. She is breathing the air of Heaven. She knows only sheer delight and is astounded by the glory all around her. I know the Cerak family shares the same faith I possess, and in that I take great comfort. Nothing in life compares to it- and I hope they find it to be an unending source of all they need to meet the deepest needs of their hearts as they pick themselves up and start the new journey of their life.
My wish for you is that you would have this same understanding when life hands you brokeness and heartache. That's my Nitty.Gritty. hurting thoughts for today- that I find really comforting, because they bring peace as well.


lizziep901 said...

I just love love love you. That's all I can say.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for all that you share here. You may not know in the Grand Scheme of Things "The Why"..not until you to, will be shining from God's Glory! We do know we serve a Good God and His will is perfect even when we don't understand it.
If Whitney was one of the 5 (or not) of that terrible accident in Indiana (I prayed for those families~~and friends of all involved). If not Whitney in that accident I will join you in prayer for "her" family!
Thank you Jodie for your transparency!

flipflopmom said...

May God bless you and give you a boundless peace for today and always -- You are an inspiration to many - thank you for sharing your hurt today - I hope that it helps -- I know that it helps me when I read your blog and realize that I am not alone - sadly I am not the only mother who has lost a child in a tragic accident -- God Bless

A Girl In Oregon said...

Many times when I read your blog I feel a connection to your words. I am not a very religious person but your words are always so encouraging and make me feel so good.

When I read today's entry I had goosebumps. Last week my uncle (dad's brother) died and left behind his wife and two adult children. 18 years ago my daddy died. My heart goes out to my cousin as I know the pain she will face in the coming days. Though I was just a little girl of 10 years old when my dad was killed, I cried the day I had my son because my dad will never be HERE to hold him. I try to hold onto the fact that he holds him from Above. All I could think of for her (my cousin) is that she will face that same feeling someday.

As for my uncle in heaven... he's there... w/ my daddy and my poppy. I hope they're up there fishing to their heart's content.

I felt such a connection today that I just had to leave a comment. Thank you for your blog-- I love the ups, the downs, the realness of it all. Your Nitty.Gritty. always is worth reading and I appreciate your ability to share your life with all of us.

Hugs To You!

Christy said...

Jody. I will certainly be praying for you as you go through this dificult time. Sometimes just when we think we have done a good job of grappling with something God humbles us and calls us to help another grappling with the same thing. I think he's calling.

You and this family will be in my prayers tonight.


Anonymous said...

I can almost feel your pain through reading. My heart goes out to anyone caught in this tragedy. I think the only way to have any peace at times like this is through prayer. God Bless and know that those that read your blog are with you in prayer.

Kerry said... you know I can relate to this post. Unfortunately I can imagine what this family is going through. It's just breaks my heart. Take care and know that I'm sending healing thoughts.

Carrie said...

I remember that day well, and even though I'm far away from Gaylord now, you and your family have been in my prayers since the day I saw the ambulances driving past me. I went to the EFree church too, although I never had the pleasure of meeting you. And while I didn't get to see you on Oprah, I've told many people about your message of forgiveness. I wish I'd stumbled on your blog sooner. Grace, mercy & peace on you & yours!


Carrie said...

Wise words, Jody. Wise words...

I hadn't been able to read your blog lately, but I sure enjoyed catching up tonight. You have such an amazing spirit!