Create your own joy.

Here I am in my Nitty.Gritty. tee. This one is just a bit more subtle than the t-shirt I had originally designed and posted- partly because of the fact I printed and made it myself, and I just didn't want to be so bold right off the bat.
I was thinking of doing another retro-post and write about some of my other fond memories of childhood, including my [I still have her]Mrs. Beasley doll, a tv show called "Emergency" and the fact that I still beat my hubby everytime we play a game of Ms. Pac-Man. In light of the number of comments I got after posting about Gidget, I think I may even have a "flash-back" post at least once a week. You are all such nostalgic people out there!
However, I'm sticking with my inner thoughts and going with my heart and soul, which I may have already spilled here once or twice. The kind of thoughts that reach my emotions and make an appearance once or twice a year. Yeah, those thoughts. By the way, at the end of this, leave me a note if you would come back and read more of this kind of stuff. Chip says everybody has heard it all before- and I say I think it's fresh material for some of you. So, feel free to let me know who is right.
At Christmas I wrote about a festival tree event that Chip and I attended the first Christmas season we were struggling through without Teagan. You can look back in the December archives if you want the whole story. As Teagan's birthday approaches each year, I find myself with similar feelings of sadness and hurt. It's a day that kind of hits me and shouts out to me that the reality of my life isn't fair. No person should have to celebrate their child's birthday without them because that child was killed. And yet here I am. And I know I am not alone. And I don't want pity. And I don't pretend to think that you can ever know how I truly feel. And I would never want for you to know this sting, really. I won't lie to you- it hurts. Even after 5 years- it hurts. Deeply.
I'm getting better at holding back my tears. I'm getting better at breathing through the pain and recognizing the many faces it has and how it shows itself in me. I am proud that I know how much I will always love Teagan and that her life still inspires me and challenges me every single day. I am happy that I can accept her being gone and yet I still feel a connection to her spirit that warms me in my bleakest hours- she will always share a part of my soul and that thought gives me an overwhelming sense of contentment.
I write all that not for you, but for me. I take note of it and see that through death and pain and grief, I have lived and learned and I continue to grow. Teagan's life may have ended in the physical sense- but she herself has lived on within me and made me a better person in many ways.
As her birthday approaches it does indeed bring feelings of sadness and there are twinges of bitterness that spring up for a moment or two. How I wish we could be together again- if only for an hour!- to sing and laugh and touch and hold each other close. I can't imagine the bliss. I'm sure even an hour with feel like it ended too soon.
So Chip and I have had a few years of experience with days such as this. As Teagan's birthday approaches we think of ways to turn our sorrow and hurt into something beautiful and positive we can do in our lives and others- to combat that pain, to share Teagan's life in a meaningful way, and to honor her memory with joy.
One year we sent the production staff at Harpo (ie. the Oprah show) some gourmet chocolates and a bouquet of lavendar roses with a message that said, "Thanks for letting us share Teagan with the world. Enjoy a little treat in memory of our sweetie." We have learned that the best way to overcome hurt is to create your own joy...and in so doing, you can't help but have your own spirits lifted. Even when it hurts to do something in the midst of pain and sorrow, we have found that there is a measure of comfort and sometimes even joy.
This year we are planning on purchasing 9 books off of our school's library wishlist. (Nine books- since Teagan would be turning 9.) They will be donated and have a label inside stating they are in memory of Teagan's birthday. It makes me feel good knowing that her life continues to impact others in a positive way, even though she's gone. I'd like to challenge you to do something positive or fun or joyous not because you know me or Teagan- but simply because you are alive and you have a world of opportunity to do so.
I've already been doing little things this week. I made the baby onesies in the posted picture for a music teacher that is expecting a baby girl in May. I hardly know her- but I know that I like to create and making t-shirts and putting together an unexpected gift made me happy. I've got more things to do before Saturday- but here are some ideas to get you started. Maybe you will send a handwritten note to someone as a total surprise. Maybe you will turn on the CD or radio player and dance with your kids even though they have their jammies on and they are supposed to be getting into bed. Maybe you can smile all day long- and actually mean it inside. Just knowing that you're alive for today; you can create your own joy. And in so doing will touch another person's life in a positive...and maybe even memorable way. That's my Nitty.Gritty. for today.