This is what I wake up to...

I had the privilege of attending a photography workshop and also enjoyed an evening getting to know a new friend better last week. It was one of the highlights of my month- which has been as busy as usual, thus the lack of blogging. Again. My apologies to anyone who still checks in here with any regularity. I keep promising to do better at posting, but have been lousy at follow through. Maybe my summer will allow time for that. But I am not making any promises...just hopful!
So this photography workshop I attended was geared for moms who want to improve their photos and it was a night full of great tips, techniques and examples of how to do things right or wrong with lighting. The morning after my workshop I was obviously inspired by the headful of information I had gained the night before, so I had my camera on the counter, ready to implement something I had learned.
Crew was my first 'lucky' victim. =)
We never know if he is going to come down the stairs grinning or grumpy. It's more often than not his grumpy side that greets us, and last Monday morning he was all of that. He was even less thrilled to see my camera in hand. But the lighting was exactly what the photographer had said would capture the catchlights in his eyes. So I snapped a photo anyway. Her next trick was to offer candy to get a great smile. I decided it was worth a try- even if Crew hadn't had breakfast yet. I couldn't bring myself to offer candy, but asked if he wanted a Super Mario fruit snack {which, I know, is no better than candy, but we moms like to play tricks on ourselves at times too} and his grouchy face sudeenly turned happy at that very thought.
Chip says he likes the grumpy face picture best. I think because it is so very "Crew" as we seem him most mornings and even though it is frustrating and annoying to snap him out of it much of the time, it is still the way we start our days and it definitely makes us love his smiles even more.
Tomorrow is the last day of school for Brock, Bella and Ava. That thought thrills and causes panic in me at the same time. But I hope that we have more smiles than frowns and I just know to savor it all because it really does fly by so quickly. I hope you all have more to smile about than frown right now, and if not, I hope you can hold fast to the fact that the clouds don't last forever. Before you know it the sun will shine again!

His personality is taking shape.

My "baby" is fast approaching the age of two. He's been learning and watching his 5 older siblings for many, many months now and in just a few days Teague will be 21 months old. Twenty-one. I am sure it will seem but a blink and the months will be replaced with years and I will wonder how it all happened so quickly.
So for that simple fact, I snapped a couple of pictures and am compelled to write a few things about my little guy who is growing up all too fast and capture a little bit of who he is today. At almost 21 months.
I heard him wake up this morning a little bit after 8am and just after I had poured some more hot coffee into my cup. I thought I might have a minute or two to myself as Crew sat and watched "Team UmiZoomi" and I had just cleaned up from seeing the older kids off to the bus and out the door for their second-to-last Friday of the school year.
I typically hear Teague awake with a small whimper or cry or some sort of fussing that lets me know he is ready to get out of his crib and on with the start of his day. Nine times out of 10 he wakes up just a tad on the 'grumpy side' and he has to ease into the morning with some whole milk, some hug time or his newest favorite cartoon... Peppa Pig. Often times it is a combination of all three. Today as I opened his door and stepped into his room, I saw him standing at the head of his crib holding onto the rail. As I took a couple of steps toward him he grinned and then lifted his hands up in the air and said, "Ta Da!"
It was the cutest thing ever.
It made up for some of the not-so-nice things he has been up to lately. Including dumping out half a bag of Raisin Bran just so he could eat the raisins out of the mix. Or when he repeatedly pulls out dirty dishes as I am loading the dishwasher. Or the knack he has for doing that limp-body thing whenever you need to  carry him in or out of somewhere or change the activity he is in the middle of doing and he doesn't want to do it. He charmed me especially so this past Sunday on Mother's Day when he screamed- yes, screamed- the whole drive {about 10 minutes long} from the church parking lot to Culvers where we ate lunch with my mom and dad. He was a handful running around everywhere at lunch too, but at least he had quit screaming once we got him inside.
One of the things that is cute even when he is being not-so-nice these days is when I raise my voice or call his name if he's getting into mischief. Most of the time he doesn't respond. But he almost always snaps out of whatever it is or gives me his attention when I call him by his middle name, "Easton". I am working on getting the rest of the family to call him that too. For some reason he is starting to look like an Easton to me. We'll see how that turns out!
And now for the flip-side. He is such a great kid when it comes to meals. He loves so many different foods. He loves 'helping' in the kitchen {I just wrote about how great he is at emptying the dishwasher!}, and he even tries new things very readily. Just last week he ate almost all the tomatoes off of a salad I was eating. I was surprised he didn't spit out the first one and then he wanted more and more and more! He LOVES berries- blueberries and blackberries especially. He loves to sit in the driver's seat and pretend to drive. He loves old classic songs from Sesame Street and he knows how to pull them up and watch them over and over again on our cellphones.
He is a growing, active, smart, funny, dynamic personality in our home where he could easily be out-shined by someone else. Somehow though, he, just like all my other kids, has a way of bringing his own charm and personality and flavor into the mix. It's not always easy mothering my busy brood of kids. But it is always entertaining, often dramatic and on even the most ordinary days, it seems someone makes it special. If by simply announcing, "TA-DA!" when I walk into their room.
Oh how I love my little guy. Even when he's not always so nice. He more than makes up for it and I am so glad I get to be a part of his life and watch him grow into who God has created him to be!

{Healthy} Cinnamon-Swirl Brioche ala Pinterest =)

We are well into the month of May already and here I am, finally bopping in to my own blog to catch up for a minute. Life has been every bit as crazy and busy as you might imagine it to be with spring in full bloom, the golf course open and bustling with business, the kids passing along colds and coughs and fevers- as though they are toally into sharing so why not share germs, and a few other things like our former nanny and great friend, Rachael staying for a long weekend visit. It really has been a busy and full few weeks around here. I don't see a whole lot of slowing down as school come to a close and summer kicks up its heels either!
If you wonder where I find the time to hang out on Pinterest, I'll tell you. From 10:30-11:15pm. =) Or any time I can grab a minute here or there in the middle of the craziness too. I happened to log in at just the precise moment yesterday when one of the pinners I follow posted this cinnamon swirl brioche. I clicked over to the recipe first and then realized it was "a must-make recipe" especially in light of my wanting to cut out processed food and eat healthier overall. So I went ahead and pinned it and then facebooked a link noting that I wanted to make it. I figured that would 'force' me to try it and not just dream about it. Well, whatever I did worked, because in a matter of minutes I had the dough proofing on my counter and was very happy with how easily it had come together to that point. Even though I was short one egg and I was using all whole-grain wheat flour in place of white. I was determined to make it work.
So this morning I found myself awake at 5:15am...thanks to Teague, who promptly went back to sleep. I however was awake for the day and headed out for a few groceries. Including a couple of dozen eggs. =) After getting the kids up and out the door for school I pulled out the dough that was ready and waiting and rolled it out using a can of bakng spray, as we haven't unpacked the box with our rolling pin in it yet. Somehow, this bread dough still rolled out nearly perfectly and then with the help of Crew, we added the cinnamon filling, sliced the dough, braided it, and put 3 loaf pans carefully in the hot oven.
Crew, and Teague by this point, could hardly wait to taste it. They looked through the oven window with the light on several times during the baking process. It turned out better than I imagined it would, and it was even easier than I had expected it to be as well. A total win-win as far as I was concerned. The fact that it is very healthy, with minimal sugar and whole grain too...bonus.
So here you go...the original recipe that I found and pinned. Just 24 hours ago. If you pin this and start the recipe you can be slicing and eating this or bringing it to your favorite teacher or neighbor or garbage man by this time tomorrow too! Good luck and happy baking!

This little light of mine.

{Photo by orange gearle via flickr.com}
Are you ever amazed when you come across a song or a quote or a photograph or a sunset or sunise that seems to just "speak to you" exactly in the way your heart, mind and/or spirit seem to be needing to "hear it"?! I love when that happens. Today, in one of my devotionals {Streams in the Desert devotionals compiled by Mrs. Chas E. Cowman, 1950} this spoke straight to my heart and I just feel like maybe by sharing it here it could speak to someone else too.
*   *   *   *   *
Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it. An unlit candle does no shining. Burning must come before shining. We cannot be of great use to others without cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering. We shrink from pain.
We are apt to feel that we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong, and able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service.
When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed with pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use, that we are not doing anything.
But if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing the most of our work. We are burning now, and shining because we are burning.

My Pie in the Sky memories.

I found this old TGIFriday's dessert menu in a drawer of papers the other day. It's glossy and double-sided and I've kept it for a long time. Teagan wanted me to frame it and hang it on the wall by our kitchen table at one point. It's just some old pictures of desserts, but boy does it bring back memories to me!

I almost added a paragraph in the post about my Letter to my 16-year old self that I should have not eaten so many TGIFriday's Thin Onion Rings or Pie in the Sky dessert. I lost count of how many I ate during my college years- they were so good and you know what? I have some wonderful memories of those days and the people I shared apps and dessert with back then that I don't know if it such a bad thing that I lost track of how many baskets of rings we had together. They were times and people I will always be fond of.

Is it a wonder to you, as much as it is to me, just how closely food and memories are tied together? I think of the meals I shared with my family as a kid. I still remember Sunday meals with friends and family around our big table together. I always think of my Grandma Shirley on St. Patrick's Day. She loved the holiday, anything green and especially making her famous corned beef and potato dinner for friends and family. I think of picking berries at my other Grandma's house. Her strawberry patch always had loads of berries and even though they were ripe and sweet and delicious, we kids still loved to dip them in a bit of sugar when we ate them. She always made the best dinner rolls too. I've never had anything close to them. And her chocolate cake bites covered in coconut...mmmm. I feel like a kid again just thinking about them.

I sometimes wonder what my own kids will remember about growing up. I am not the best when it comes to making dinner and meals. Chip is a great cook. I am good when I have recipes, time to shop and plan and people that I know will appreciate my efforts. When it comes to nightly meals, I have to admit we eat more homemade buttermilk waffles and orange julius than we probably should. But my kids never complain when I make that meal and so the meal stays in our dinner rotation frequently.

I know food is powerful in many ways. Do you have any favorite foods that evoke strong memories? I'd love to read yours...

Today I am missing Pie-in-the-Sky for some reason. And I don't think it just has to do with whipped cream.

Not quite home.

The top three pictures are of our house back in Michigan. The one we still need to sell. The one that still "feels like home", if you ask me. The fourth picture is of the kitchen we have right now. It's big and grand and has a lot of "upgrades". I thought I would give an update about our home situation since this week marks 4 months since we moved from Michigan to Minnesota.

A lot of people keep asking, "Are you all settled in now?". The answer is no. We are SO grateful for the home we are in and the fact that we get to rent it at all. We prayed hard to get in this house- it wasn't technically on the market for renting at the time we were looking and needing it to be. So the fact that we were able to rent it and be here is a blessing and an answer to prayer. We have more than enough space and it is very comfortable for our family.

But...

And here's the thing. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I am not. I'm just sharing my heart and how I feel right now. I feel torn. That's the best way I can say it. Like I said, I am so glad that God opened the hearts of the home owners that they were willing to rent this place to us. But...

I still miss our former house. It too met a lot of our needs. It wasn't as big or as grand or gourmet. But it was a great place and had a lot of things about it that met our needs even moreso than this current house does. So that's where my feelings come from.

Trusting that God knows best even when we haven't hardly had a single bit of interest on our home in Michigan than needs selling, and shelling out two house payments each month is a hard thing to trust in. His ways. I've blogged so much about trusting His higher ways. And I do. We do. It just seems like He would find a buyer at a decent price and allow us to find a home that suits our needs at a decent price on this end of things too. We're "in limbo" as people often say right now. And I am learning that I don't function at my best when I'm "in limbo". I like to make our space our own. I wish the kids could unpack all their stuff and feel like this place is more like their 'old place'. More like home. But the fact is we will be moving again at some point and so we are keeping lots and lots of stuff in boxes. We keeping the walls bare and just living in the space- but not changing anything about it to make it feel like home.

So that's been hard on all of us for four months. It adds a dimension of stress that I never thought about as we prepared to move. The good news is that the more we have been in this place, the more we are finding out what we do or don't want in our next place. Hopefully that will help our next home purchase to be even more of what we want and need and therby it will feel more like home soon after we move in.

The other really big thing I am learning is that a house is a house. What has really been helping all of us to feel 'settled' in our new place is the people that have been opening their hearts to us and building friendships with each of us. That has been the biggest blessing of all in this major move. The boxes are still stacked in the garage. The house in Michigan still sits empty and takes a portion of our income each month. But even still, I can just tell that God is in this move and He has our best interest at heart. Even when I would do things differently right now. The friends we have been making and the ways we have been shown kindness truly gives us a peace that God has us right where He wants us right now. I don't know how much longer we will have to wait on His timing for the move and home sale...but I can tell you that I am sure it will happen exactly when He wants it to. Until then, even though we're not quite home, we are leaving our fingerprints all over this place and we're doing our best to not miss our old home at the same time.

I can only imagine that this is a tiny foretaste of what living here on earth is like compared to the day when we will finally be home in Heaven. There's a lot to love down here. But this isn't home. When we finally reach our real home, it will truly be like no other place we've ever been. It's going to be Home sweet Home forever!

Forgiveness opens the door to new life.

Last night Oprah's Lifeclass was live from Toronto, Canada. The show topic was on Forgiveness and as the topic was introduced a few clips from our original appearance on The Oprah Show was aired. We had been notified and in contact with a producer from the show last week. We talked about how forgiveness has impacted our lives. We talked about some of the issues that we will live with forever- especially in regard to Wyndham. Seeing pieces of our story and thinking about how that was April of 2002- a full ten years ago- and yet the message is still one that is so relevent today for us and for so many other people who have been hurt in their lives.

I have learned so many things through the events of the past ten years and I find it most amazing that Chip and I have been able to stay together and as humbly as I can put this, I might add that we have grown and flourished and lived very full lives since our incident occured. I have written about it in previous posts that I still find it crazy that we didn't just pull the window blinds of lour lives shut and let the world pass us by. There were days and months in those early stages of our grief and pain that that is exactly what we felt like and wanted nothing more to do. Especially when the events of 9/11 happened just weeks after we had left the Hurley Hospital ICU with Wyndham and were trying to heal from our physical wounds and injuries. It just felt overwhelming that the world could be so full of hurt and death and pain and with a feeling of darkness over much of our days. I remember sitting on the egde of my bed with pain shooting through my neck, back and legs even before my feet touched the ground. I would sit for a moment of two and let the reailty of what had happened to us and so many others start to sink in. And honestly, some days it didn't seem like it would ever matter for me to leave my bed. It felt safer and I really felt like the world had nothing more to offer me. All I sensed was pain and hurt...and to take a step out of bed caused even more pain. I seemed as though the world we had once known and laughed in and loved in and cared about was no where to be found.

Knowing that Teagan would never come bounding across the room and throw her arms around me for a big hug, and seeing Brock's pain from her loss and his own physical issues as he tried to recover on top of Wyndham's major life set-backs, well it just seemed to be a whole new, broken, hurting world that I wanted to close my eyes and see it all go away.

Thankfully, and the only one I credit for giving me eyes to see and a heart to believe that there was something in our new dark world worth fighting for was God. I know several people who don't believe in God. I know several people who think He is just a nice idea, or they wonder if He really could exist, but they have never had to actually rely on Him or need Him for anything in their lives. But for me, for Chip, for our family, He was our everything. God made Himself known through things like a double-rainbow outside of my car window on the way to the hospital as I headed to Flint, MI while the rest of my family members were being airlifted there one by one. He made Himself known in the peace that flooded Chip's heart and soul and he undeniably felt Teagan hugging him, just moments after she died. He hadn't even been told she was gone- but at that time he felt the warmth of her arms hugging him and her small voice saying, "Daddy, it's going to be okay."

God showed up in the way our bodies were able to heal and especially so in Wyndham's tiny body. We had doctors tell us she would never survive her shunt surgery- but that they had to go ahead and perform it because without it she would die too. So the option was she would die either way, but they wanted to at least try their last resort. Once out of surgery, and much to their surprise, she was opening her eyes and looking at us within a couple of hours. They told us it would be at least a day before they even knew if she would come out of the sedation enough to be alert.

God was there.

I know some people have a hard time believing in something that cannot be seen. But in spite of never seeing Him or His hands at work, we have FELT His presence, His healing, His peace and His comfort in ways that cannot be explained. He has been a strength for us and has shown us the path toward healing and even Joy in life again. He has been faithful to provide us the grace to accept what happened to us and the ability to extend forgiveness for the offenses against us too. He has been the one to lead us through our darkness and back into the light.

In talking about the show topic and discussing where we are at now, my heart and mind have been thinking about just how amazing it is that we did choose {although I believe God helped guide our hearts and response of forgiveness} the path of forgiveness and it is so obvious to me that it changed the way we were able to live as a result.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that forgiveness allowed Chip and I to find joy, happiness, laughter the ability to see goodness in our dark world once again. Forgiveness toward Cindy and what she did that fateful day allowed us to live beyond that moment and not live a life of bitterness and inner pain. I truly believe that had we not both claimed forgiveness toward her and her actions, that we never would have stayed together and weathered the storm of grief and the ongoing life challenges that her actions have left us with for the rest of our lives. I know I would have allowed the wall of hurt to keep Chip out and I would have walled him off with the rest of the world. I would have chose to hold onto the pain and grief in a way that would have closed my heart off to feeling love again. Bitterness would have taken full root and as it would have grown and filled my heart I would have turned my back on the ability to smile and my world would have never felt the warmth of light.

I know full well that choosing the path of forgiveness ultimately defined the course of our lives for the better- and it opened the door for new life to happen again. Chip and I will tell you that choosing to forgive didn't happen to us both in the same way. But we would also tell you that choosing forgiveness was the best way for both of us. Without it we never would have found love in each other again. Our ability to say the words and live them to be true actually made it possible for us to bring Bella and Ava and Crew and Teague into our hearts and lives. They are real life gifts and blessings born out of our ability to choose forgiveness and love again. They are reminders to me each day that forgiveness DOES lead to beautiful things- even as miraculous as new birth- new life.

Forgiveness released us from the hold our pain had on us- physically, mentally and emotionally. I believe that if we had held onto the reality of how unfair what happened to us truly was, we would have let that affect our ability to heal. What I mean by that is that I know I would have not driven Wyndham to therapy/rehabilitation as often as we have had to do for 10 years. I would have used my hurt and the wrong done to us to justify my wallowing in pity and that is just one way it would have manifested itself. Forgiveness has given us a freedom to define ourselves and find new joys and happiness in life, rather than letting our hurt be the focus of all our days. We have certainly never forgotten what happened to us or to Teagan or to Peggy, nor have we ever given Cindy and excuse for her actions that day. But that one day has not been the central focus of our lives since then. It has affected us and will forever affect us- but it doesn't define us. I don't think that people see us out and about in our daily lives and think to themselves, "oh, those sad, heartbroken people are the family from that Old Depot tragedy". No, I think that thankfully and to God be all the credit, that most of the time people would be hard-pressed to look at us and see the hurt and things we have lived through. Most of the time we 'look pretty normal'. =) And I say that meaning we are just as crazy as the next family of 6 kids eating out or going to church, as you see in the picture above. We yell at our kids to hurry up and pick up and get to bed and be nice to each other, yes. We also laugh together and celebrate Coke Float Day together and we take pictures of blowing bubbles and eating cake and we go to the circus and we bring Wyndham to and from countless therapy appointments and to doctor visits and we watch SpongeBob together and we eat pizza and we go to the library and we dress up and hug each other and joke together and sing and we have dreams for the future too. We LIVE! We live beyond the walls of our home. We live with the windows open and the light shines in and we breathe fresh air and we dance in the rain from time to time too.

Forgiveness has enlarged our lives. It has made me want to see beauty in life again. It has given us Hope for the future. It has shown us how lucky we are in spite of everything. It has made a way for us to live through our hurts and beyond them too. I do not take credit for the ability to forgive. It comes only through the Him who has forgiven me. He has first given me life, and through His life I have been made free. Forgiveness has never been about Chip or me or our ability to say "we forgive you" to Cindy. But it has been about realizing what Christ did for us, recognizing that we did nothing to earn His love and forgiveness, and out of that we have accepted that we now have the ability and the command from Him to love others as we have been loved.

When you truly understand that forgiveness comes from Him and it is a free gift- sharing it with others is actually an easy decision. It's not easy to do. But it is the obvious and right thing to do. In the end, it changes everything. It changes everything for the better.

{If you would like to watch Oprah's Lifeclass: The Power of Forgiveness you may click here to watch the webcast.}

I'm not sure why I am sharing this letter to me with all of you...

I've been reading through a list of daily prompts that I received in my inbox and decided to jump in and actually do one of them today. The prompts are part of the Health Writer's Activists Month via this site- wegohealth.com. I'm not even sure how I got on their email list, but the daily prompts have been interesting and I would like to even go back and catch up and blog about more of them if I can get time and energy to do so. They are good starting points or just fun/interesting topics. So hopefully I'll play along besides just this one for today.
Today's prompt is to write a letter to your 16-year old self. The prompt can be interpreted however you like and used to jumpstart a post. My first thought wasn't to sit down and write myself a letter, but instead I wanted to find a picture of my 16-year old self. You know what? I don't really have that many pictures of me from junior high or high school. Or of my four years in college either. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that I didn't have a camera around very often, or loaded with film when I did have access to a camera. Things have changed with the digital age and the ease and storage space for taking lots of pictures. Secondly, I didn't really like myself very much for most of those years of my life. I hated my height, my weight, my hair and it all added up to not having many photos of myself as a result.
The picture above is of me and my mini poodle, Beau {he was such a great pup!}. I think I was about to start 10th grade when this picture was taken. I was living in the church parsonage- which is the home the church provides for the pastor's family to live in- right next door to the church. It was a beautiful piece of property where we enjoyed living on a small piece of lakefront and we were right in the metro area of the Twin Cities. I was happy living at this house and surrounded by a loving family and two golden retrievers and a poodle. I pretty much had life made.
But if I were to write myself a letter it would go like this:

Dear Jody,
You have no idea what a lucky teen girl you are to have the life you are living right now. You may not have a big, sprawling home and access to world travel or the latest designer clothes or nicest car, but you are a very fortunate young lady to have things far more important and much more difficult to attain. You, by no choice of your own, have all the love, security, support, guidance and access to great education and the ability to grow and learn in a safe environment. These are things many teens only dream of having in their life. You have them all.
Yet, in spite of all these excellent things, you carry a heaviness or burden inside. I wish you knew that the things the media portrays and the things that kids at school talk about and the things that society seems to think are important and worth striving for and selling yourself short for are so not worth your time, effort or energy. Things like the way you look, and how you style your hair and what kind of jeans you own really don't matter all that much. If you are taking care of your body and making good choices about how you spend your time and money- those things will bring far greater rewards or hurts in the long run.
My dear, I know you aren't into sports. But that doesn't mean you're fat. It doesn't mean you can't go on long walks or bike rides and guess what? You go swimming almost every day in the summer- so you ARE good at a sport! You just don't play on a team right now. But being on a team isn't everything. You were great and had so much fun playing soccer and girls softball. You were even a pratty fast runner in elementary school. I just wish you realized that playing on a team is supposed to be about having fun and making friends and learning about sportsmanship and how games work. It doesn't mean you have to be the best or fastest or never lose. I wish you could just enjoy playing instead of feeling like you're no good and then believing it is just easier not to try. Trying means you care. Somewhere along the line you started to not care.
You have so much to offer in other realms too. Your passion for writing and journaling and poetry is something a lot of kids don't have. You should love that about yourself and push yourself to do it more. In college you will feel like everyone else is better at writing and speaking and once again, sports and even music too. You will let your judgement of others cast a darkness on the dreams in your heart and little by little the things you really love and want to do will feel like a chore. That professor who makes you feel inept and small for sharing your thoughts and ideas is just one person. And just because she is the professional and gives you bad grades doesn't mean you have to throw away your dream and love of writing and language and stories. It means you need to keep doing what you do and learn and grow and take one person's critique and grades as they are- ONE person's. If you could simply step back and see that a few grades don't have to change your plans for your future you would find your path to happiness and the things your hearts wants to pursue much easier and smoother as a result.
Sadly, you will instead choose to let your light and passion dim in some of the areas of your life that you were just starting to shine in. But you know what? The good news is that life has a way of twisting and turning and if you could just roll with that a bit more you would find that often times there are wonderful surprises you would have missed along the way. This is certainly going to be true for you in your future more times than you would believe as a teen. If I could tell you to hold on- it's going to be a bumpy ride- it would be an understatement. But if I could also tell you that there will be a wealth of loving and learning and that the tears you shed along the way are sowing something into you that you never could have found anywhere else along the way, I would hope you would find the strength to keep fighting hard to find joy and happiness.
Oh dear young self....
If you saw a picture of your life now- 20 years into your future, you wouldn't believe you could get through what you will endure. But I want you to know that you will. You won't just get through them and survive, but you will shine. You. Yes, you! The girl who doesn't like herself when she looks in the mirror. The girl who thinks everyone else is smarter and skinnier and faster and prettier and sings better and writes better and paints better and all the other things you feel inferior for- you will shine in your own way. Maybe not in the way you would choose. Maybe you don't even see it yet. But you're doing it. You're a fighter. You've got a heart that really wants to do the right thing. You're sensitive and caring- even though you put up a wall and try to keep people out of that part of you. You don't have to pretend to be something you're not.
Remember what I said in the beginning of this note? You are living and filling your heart with a wealth and riches that many only dream of in this life. I want you to soak up the love of God and your family and the small group of friends that you trust and believe in the knowledge and learning you are storing up in your heart and mind and know that one day all the love and security and support you have now will be multiplied and that will be enough to see you through life's biggest storms.
You're just a kid. I don't even want to tell you this, but maybe it will help you down the road. The fact is you have no idea because of the sheltered, wonderful life of ease you have only known til now will one day be shattered. Life is going to throw you a big curve ball. Everything you believe will be tested. You will wonder and ask yourself what and why and how come and for how long and you may wonder if the pain and hurt will ever end. I'm sorry to tell you that there is coming a day when one of your favorite people in all the world will lie lifeless in your arms. It will be so astounding and surreal that it will seem like a nightmare over and over again. But it's real.
I wish I could tell you to hold her in your arms and take that reality in. For it will seem so unreal. I wish that you knew to cut a lock of her hair and to take a photo of her pinky finger in yours as you promise to love her forever one last time. I wish upon wishes that this part wasn't going to be the storyline of your life. But it is what it is and only God knows why.
You don't need to know why though, and that is the very thing that will free you from living the rest of your life in pain and unforgiveness. You will want to sit in that sorrow and hurt and ask the hard questions over and over. As you begin to let go of the need to know why, therein will you find the 'new pathway' to life again. Not a new life free from hurt or sorrow- for you will forever be changed and carry her love and your grief with you. But you will be free to embrace happiness in a new and profound way. It won't be tied to the things it once was- death and sorrow will actually give you "new eyes" from which you will see things through.
So, young self, there are some things that are important to take note of. Never stop being grateful for the things which you have been given- the people and comforts and education and protection are rare gifts. Appreciate them always. Be thankful that you were spared a life of hardhsips early one. Those dreams that you have- the things you love to do and make you laugh and cry and that bring out the best in you- live for them. Do things that help make them possible. Don't let your own fears hold you back from finding your dreams. They are out there and worth going through challenges and falling down for. You will know something is worth pursuing when it brings out the best in you. God has made you for something that only YOU can be/do. Seek Him and you will find what it is that He made you for. Take more photos. Even the ones when you don't think you look your best. Take photos of the days you ask questions and wonder and take lots of pictures of the people around you. They won't always be with you.
Lastly, never let anything- no matter how big or how small or how hurtful or how intimidating- never let it keep you from being you. Because that you that you are on the inside? That's what makes you shine.
Love,
A wiser, more mature, but still very much learning and growing still Me

He adds joy to my life...

Happy, happy birthday to my husband, Chip today.
I was lucky enough to go the circus with my family and parents yesterday afternoon, and double-lucky to have my parents watch my kids while Chip and I took in a show downtown Minneapolis. We got last-minute free tickets from some friends and enjoyed an unexpected, fun night out celebrating Chip's birthday together.
I won't go into details about how crazy my day went as I loaded my kids and took them across the Twin Cities for the day, but I will tell you it ended much nicer than it began. For that I am thankful and it just seems so fitting for how things go for us more often than not. I was reminded several times throughout the weekend of how much I need the supportive people in my life and how thankful I am that they stick with me and cheer me on at 'crunch time'.
Chip is the biggest cheerleader in my life and I don't give him a whole lot of credit on my here. So on his birthday today- even though it's April Fool's and a lot of people would like to use the day to pull a prank, I am using this space and time to tell you a few things about this great guy that I am happy to call my husband and friend.
When Chip and I met I was finishing my senior year of college and focusing on all the freedom I was about to have as soon as classes were wrapped up. I didn't have strong leads on where or what I was going to do, but I was in a very content place in my heart and looking forward to seeing what jobs God might bring my way. I had no plans for a guy to walk into my life and was happy being single and independent. But this Chip guy that I worked with just happened to ask me out to a movie and dinner at the Mall of America one night; I just happened to say "yes". I figured it would be a good time to just go out and have a fun together and see a movie. I had no plans or intentions for anything beyond just a fun time out with a guy from work.
Obviously the story wasn't that short and sweet. I didn't expect Chip to be so funny or a great conversationalist. Our work together at a restaurant didn't really allow for us to talk much beyond "shop talk", so I didn't know much about him or what he was like as a person. I knew he had a great work ethic...and a charming personality, because he was always making better tips than me! After just one dinner at Planet Hollywood and seeing the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire", I started looking at him differently. And by differently, I mean I was interested in him. He was suddenly more than "just a guy I work with". He fast became "a guy who makes me laugh, makes me think, makes me like myself more when I'm around him, and makes me want to know more about him" kind of guy.
After just 5 months of dating, when Chip asked me to marry him I was so sure of my "yes". He is the kind of guy that I knew I could be lifelong friends with and I just knew in my heart that there was something dynamic about him that I wanted to be a part of for the rest of my life. Ask any of his friends and I just know they would tell you that it's true. He's got a knack for being likable and charming and he knows how to make people feel good and want to do good. I love that about him.
I could type a list of things he does to push my buttons and a list of things I do to push his. I'm not saying we're perfect and without issues. But more than that and honestly, more important than that is the fact that I know he loves me for my good qualities and he accepts my faults too. He is there to help me change some things and I am thankful we have learned to love in spite of the stuff that comes up in our lives that's not always so fun and exciting. His best qualities are his heart, his pursuit of what is right- his integrity, and his ability to keep pushing through the tough stuff because he truly believes that something better awaits.
He has added joy to my life in more ways than I can count. He has strong arms that hold me up, keep us together at times, and his hugs make me feel like everything is okay in my world- no matter what. He has a way of making me laugh when I sometimes think it's impossible to do so. He has a way of lighting up a room and you can't help but want to be around him. It's true. My kids still race to the door and fight for his attention when he comes home from his work at the course. He is a giver and today of all days I just wanted to let him {and you} know that he's one-of-a-kind. I am thankful that our lives have had years of growing together and intertwining of stories through the years. I hope we get many more too! Happy birthday, dear Chip. I love you.

I will want these moments back.

At the risk of someone thinking all I do is dwell on the loss of my daughter, Teagan, I am writing this post. It has been on my heart and mind for several days now. I may have written about similar thoughts and feelings already, but if I have it was several years ago and well, these feelings have just been rushing over me so much that I need to just write them down and this is the place I go to do that sort of thing.

The reason I even preface and start this post the way I have is that I feel like more than ever my blog is sort of a personal challenge to me right now. What started out as me sharing stories and pictures and updates and just snapshots of our life for my family and friends to keep up on turned into something very different over the years I have been blogging. I went through a long stretch where it was easy for me to post and write and my "stories" were fresh and new all the time. Then there was my time in scrapbooking and all that played a big part in my blog too. I was meeting new people and was on a "creative personal high" and just very involved with a lot of online events.

Then I had two more babies. On top of my already busy life. And they were and truly are special little guys. But they are boys. And they are demanding. And messy. And a lot to try to keep up with- in addition to 3 other sisters, a brother and a dad who has a busy life all his own. Life just went from being a mix of reflections and lessons learned from my past and some creative stuff thrown in there with the busy-ness of having kids and feeling like life just started piling up. I felt like I had nothing new or fun or interesting or important or even just "ordinary enough" for me to post. I struggled with some of the comments that were said at times too... even one that implied I use my blog and death of Teagan for some sort of celebrity status. Granted, that was a long way back, but still I get comments at times that make me wonder why I should be so vulnerable and transparent and open. It {my blogging} certainly IS for me. But I share in large part and in no way to gain 'celebrity'. Whatever that means anyway. I would be a nobody for the rest of my life if it meant I could have my life back the way I wanted it again.

So I have gone over and over in my head and have had many blogposts in my heart and head to share the past few months. But I have struggled with never knowing who is going to read it...and how my words will hit you. Lately though I have been affirmed more than ever to share my stories and to "write for me and my family" and the record that a blog and pictures can be down the road. I have felt overwhelmingly challenged to 'not care' what anyone will think when I do write or when I share from my heart. If it comes from my heart than that's just me being me. However, the truth is I will ALWAYS care about who is reading and how you take my words to heart. A part of me was just made to care about people. My heart cares because I love and serve and believe in a God who cares. More than I ever could. So while I am not easily offended, I care a whole lot about you and what brings you to this place from time to time. I pray for you and if there is ever anything that I write that somehow touches you or moves you to live differently, love differently or just want to know more, well then I feel like no matter what I write or why, it makes it worthwhile. And that has nothing to do with me...but everything to do with God.

Now that I have written all that down I feel like I should hit "publish post" right now. But I haven't even written down the thoughts I first intended to share.

This is what I planned to write when I first sat down at my keyboard. Titled, "I will want these moments back."

I have had a mix of really good and really not-so-hot days the past few months. Let me be honest with you. Moving and resettling is HARD! As much as we love the house we are renting at this time- it's not "home". As many new friends as we have been making and feeling so encouraged and supported by- we still miss our "old friends". As much as we feel like this was the very thing {moving to MN} for our family to do in life right now- we have had to adjust and learn and start a lot of things over. And all that just adds to the craziness of our usual lives.

Much of all the moving and trying to settle in, coupled with the recent birthday we had without Teagan here to celebrate, all played a role in the thoughts swirling in my head at different times recently.

Chip and I have shared conversations in the past about what we would do, or how much we would be willing to pay, or what would it be like to get Teagan back for just one day? What about for one hour? I think we agreed that there would be no price we wouldn't pay. It is that very thought- that I would be willing to do or pay just about anything for one day back in time with her again that this post spills from. It was the tears that kept pouring from my eyes as I wept and found myself almost unable to breathe when I sat down to fold a basket of laundry one day after her loss was starting to sink in and become my 'new reality'. As I fell to my knees weeping and aching in a place I had never felt before, therein was the clarity of what had happened. Our little Teagan was gone. All I wanted at that moment was to fold her days of the week underwear one more time. But they weren't among the whites to be folded now.

All I wanted was what I had just had. All I wanted I had just lived through and sometimes had even grumbled about; all I wanted was what I had all too often wished was different in my life.

I had it now.

A quiet, clean house.

And my heart had never hurt more than it did at that time.

* * *

I took Brock out for breakfast not long ago. He was on Spring Break and our family doesn't go anywhere for such a break for lots of reasons, but that's another post. =) So this little coffee outing was a simple treat for him. And for me. I think it turned out to be more for me. Because as I turned the key in my van and looked over at his smiling face as we headed out on our short little morning together it was as though I was living a moment in my past. Our past.

I literally felt as though I was a 'future me' and he was a 'future him', and instead of me being older and more wrinkled and an older version of me and him being an older, more handsome version of him, we were both 'us' now.

I don't know if as I type that out it even translates through the screen or implies the meaning I am trying to convey. But it was so real to me. It was a sacred gift at that time. There was no loud 'boom' or shining light. The earth didn't shake, but it was unmistakable to me and since then I have had more moments like that one. Our whole breakfast together that morning felt like it was on another "plane". Brock loved his campfire s'mores latte, but didn't really care for the texture of his berry oatmeal that day. We came home to a house full of activity and a husband/dad who had to run out the door to go to work and I had diapers to change and lots of motherly chores to do for many more hours. But I was so thankful for the gift of what was sort of a "flashback in time"- even though it was happening in the here and now.

It happened at the end of a long day for me earlier this week. It was one of those days where there were too many of us who started out our day waking up on the wrong side of the bed and we just couldn't seem to turn the momentum back around no matter how hard we tried. By 8pm that night I had yelled far too many times, not hugged enough times, told my inner self that I was worthless for even caring or trying, and I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. As I flopped down into the glider chair to rock Teague to sleep I looked down at him and kissed him and as the warmth of his cheek touched mine I realized that even this day I would want back. Someday.

You don't have to suffer great loss or tragedy or death to learn this life lesson. Each of us experiences life and it fades and is gone. One moment at a time. The present becomes a distant memory as quickly as we live it. None of us can get back a single moment in time. So my challenge to me {and to you if you choose to take it upon yourself} is to soak in some of the moments that you live in the 'now' as if they are gifts to you from the future.

I'll put it another way.

No matter what you are going through in life, there are parts of it that you will wish you could have back sometime. Whether it is a job or friends or your health; whether it is youth on your side or young kids underfoot or piles of laundry that never seem to end; whether it is the ability to be intimate with your mate or go for morning coffee with your teen or paint a picture or ride a bike. Someday one or two or all of the things you love about your life right now might not be an option. Or might simply have grown and changed or even moved away.

So to recognize that it might be the very thing you are dreading or seems to be wearing you out right now {newborn baby or long hours at your job or that professor that talks on about nothing for the whole class! or any other thing} that you will someday look back on and realize it was a really great thing to just "be" in that place and time.

I vacuumed around a bunch of rainbow-colored toys on the floor yesterday. Instead of sighing that I had to clean and that I had toys to pick up {again!} I sighed because they were my reality. I sighed, thankful that even though my life has challenges and imperfections and things I wish I could change or do over I am grateful that I "get it". Right now.

I am overwhelmed that life taught me this lesson the hard way. But I am grateful to be able to share what my heart has learned in any way I can. Which is one reason why I blog. I may not have anything too important to share nor can I compete with the creativity and inspiration all over the web these days by people prettier and more capable and more educated and more lots of other things. But I am still passionate. I am sure of many things. Today I just wanted to share with anyone that hasn't learned it yet, one day you will want this day back. Embrace it as tight as you can...or let it go if it is holding you back. That's my nitty.gritty. heart for everyone today.

It is well with my soul.

Today marks what would be Teagan's 15th birthday if she were still here with us. It's a strange and wonderful thing to have this type of day in my life. One that, even now celebrating 11 birthdays without her, doesn't really come any easier and can't fully be put into words what my heart feels.
I do feel so honored and privileged and humbled and grateful and blessed that God chose me to be her mom- knowing full well that the number of her days would be less than 4 and a half years. Knowing full well that I had hardened my heart toward having any kids at all- yet He chose to send Teagan into my life and change me forever. She was my gift. My gift of being released from a life that was becoming more and more selfish and looking for fulfillment in things of this world- rather than finding it in the one true source in God. She was my gift of coming to understand that joy was in not in obtaining things, but in giving and receiving love. Teagan made me want to be better in all areas of my life. She made me slow down, reprioritize, simplify, notice the details, celebrate the ordinary, rejoice in the little things and she taught me that you can dance even when there's no music playing at all.
She loved life. It sounds cliche, I know, but in her short number of years she soaked so much in, gave so much to others and really lived her life to the fullest. She filled my heart and life in a way I never dreamed a child could do. Even as demanding as she was and the fact that she had more energy than I could keep up with sometimes, I know she was placed in my life to help refine parts of me that needed refining and to open my eyes to ways of seeing that I would have been closed to had it not been for her.
I spent my entire pregnancy with Teagan dreading the changes this baby would require of me once she arrived. Chip and I didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl. When we had the chance to find out I was still so upset to even be pregnant that I didn't care to find out. That's how hard my heart was toward having a baby.{I, of course, regret the way I felt back then. Especially so when she was literally in my life one moment, and gone the next.} But in His higher ways, and because God knows what is better for us than we know ourselves- out of His incredible mercy to not let me waste my life on things with little or no eternal meaning, God reached out to me and literally placed Teagan in my lap on the morning of March 18th, 1997.
"It's a girl!" my doctor said with a beaming grin on his face. It was as though she was the first baby girl he had helped bring into this world. Or maybe it just seemed that way to me because she was my baby girl. My first, my perfect, my tiny, the most beautiful creature I had ever seen...and she was mine. A big tear rolled down my cheek and my eyes blurred as I tried to grasp the reality that this tiny, perfect baby girl was mine. Forever. The love I felt as she was handed to me all swaddled and wet was something I can still feel, as clear as the moment it washed over me.
On this day, year after year after year, no matter that she's gone, I still feel it in my heart. It's like a piece of pure joy. Only now, my arms don't hug her. Her laughter doesn't ring in my ears. Her smile doesn't light up a room. Her tiny pinky doesn't wrap around mine the way we used to promise to love each other forever. Her birthday comes...and goes without her. But not without a certain peace that I know God continues to pour out into my heart even though she's gone. I miss her. I wish she were here. I cannot begin to comprehend the splendor that surrounds her in Heaven everyday. I ache from knowing I will never hug or see her on earth again. Yet I am filled with a deep comfort and peace for I know that our hearts are in the very same place.
That is a gift of grace that I thank God for whenever the sadness threatens to consume me. I rejoice knowing that I will see her again one day because God's promises are true. I wish her story- my story- our story had a different ending for her than the mere 4 birthdays we had with her. But I can tell you in all honesty and sincerity that I truly believe and accept the short time I had with her was a gift to change me. In more ways than I think I can ever fully know. Today I mark another birthday without Teagan. Sure there is sorrow; sure there is an emptiness that I can't express, but more importantly I have come to see how she was, is still, and always will be mine. It is well with my soul. And oh what peace floods my soul as I think back on who she was, who God is and what awaits us all in Heaven. Someday!
Happy Birthday in Heaven, to a special little girl. I can't imagine her at 15, and I am just as happy to think of her as 4. Forever.

Another birthday!

I didn't mean to go nearly a month without posting, but here it is almost a full month later and I am just getting to my blog. I can tell you that we have had a busy month. I think I have gone out more times in the past month than I did in the previous two years- in part because we have great babysitters nearby {Thanks, Dad and Mom!} and also we are just trying to jump right in to life here in Minnesota and that means making new friends, trying new things and finding ways to get involved with various activities in the community. Chip's job is keeping him very busy and I think he likes it that way best. We have also gotten well-acquainted with people at a local church and it feels great to be making friends with others who share your same beliefs and seek to live out similar ideals in life. The weather has been better than usual for this time of year and that has made it fun for us to get outside, play at our nearby park and learn our way around the neighborhood a bit. We are still anxious to get our house in Michigan sold- although there have been very few prospects up til this point. It simply becomes one big issue for us to turn over to God and let Him work out the timing and details for us. It's easier said than done, but I don't think waiting and learning patience is the worst thing to have to experience in life. So we wait and hope and keep an eye out for a home that will suit the needs of our family when the time does come!

To top off our busy schedules, we celebrated another birthday yesterday... Ava turned 8! She is so excited about growing up and I think she wished she had turned 13 instead of Brock. But she will get there before we know it and so I am trying to tell her to enjoy being 8. To start her year off right I woke Brock, Bella and Ava up early and we went out for breakfast at Perkins yesterday before school started. Each Wednesday our local schools have a one-hour late start {as part of an ongoing teacher-education program, I believe} so we had that extra hour we missed from Daylight Savings time this weekend to use at breakfast. =) Ava was so happy that she jumped out of bed and announced it would be her best birthday ever!

We kept it mellow and of course had to round out the day with homemade buttercream cake and cupcakes- Ava chose mint-colored frosting with pink (strawberry) cake inside. On Saturday we will have another small party with some family here at our house. And then on Sunday we will mark another birthday. This time it will be in memory of Teagen~ who would have been turning 15 if she were still here on earth with us.

It's so amazing year after year how the emotions well inside me- there is a heaviness that brings an unexplainable feeling. Even though I know it's coming each year it just sort of "hits me"- from headaches to a bad attitude for "no reason" to a little bit of anger at the unfairness and reality that we are missing out on so much of her life. I find comfort in the fact that we have been able to make so many wonderful memories year after year- even though it's not always an easy choice to make. It is easier to wallow and feel sorry and bitter and just shut out the happiness of the world when one's heart is filled with sorrow. I am grateful that God sent Ava into our hearts and lives at this particular time of the year. She wasn't due until mid-April. But I think God knew that we would need a very special reason to party in the days leading up to missing Teagan on her birthday.

Celebrating Ava and making new, fun memories with all our children has been a gift I wouldn't have reached out for if offered to me in the darkest days of my grief. It makes me all the more thankful that God knew best and chose for us they way He did.

Ava has been a beautiful little girl, who has a zest for life and seeks happiness and fun and joy as often as she can. She loves to party and be loud and dance and have fun. Even at totally inappropriate times- like when it's already past bedtime. =) I think I can speak for myself and our whole family that she indeed brings excitement and adds happiness to our lives in ways that only she can. I am delighted to be her mom and to have been the one to hold her first and kiss her first and to be the one to still get to bring smiles to her face through mint-colored cupcakes and lots of other ways too.

We love you, Ava and are so happy that God sent you to our family at the perfect time. We hope you have many more years of parties and fun and joy this side of Heaven! Before you know it, you will be a teenager and I am sure your zest for life will keep us on our toes then too!

The teen years.

This past Saturday Brock turned thirteen. I am officially a parent of a teen now! It really is a blur and crazy how fast those years go by. But I must say that I consider myself very lucky to have been able to watch Brock grow from a tiny 6 lb. 1 ounce little guy to the person he has become these past 13 years.
Brock has always been a mild-mannered, people-pleasing, good-humored, tolerable, patient, thoughtful, witty and likable and many other great things. We watched him change from follower to leader in our home among the kids after his sister died and as more kids have been added to the family. He fills his role well and there is added happiness in our life because of his presence in our lives everyday.
Some 13 year olds can be very demanding, but not so with Brock. At this point in his life he is loves video games and his PS3, but is equally happy to let his brother and sisters play it too. He puts forth good effort in all of his classes at school and enjoys the saxophone, social studies, science and math. He is signed up for lacrosse this spring and hopefully will get some time to play more golf this summer too. He has lots of friends back in Michigan and is making new ones here in Minnesota as he gets the opportunity.
He still is always willing to do what I ask of him- like help with Crew and Teague or give up something for someone else, like a seat on the couch- when asked the first time. It amazes me and I try to let him constantly know how much I love and appreciate his obedience. I marvel at it more and more as the other kids grow and never respond the way Brock does. He sets the bar high when it comes to obeying your parents.
And yet he's not afraid to speak his mind and let us know when he feels something isn't fair or that he wants some space to himself. We are lucky that he is in our life and family and I sometimes I try to imagine how life would be if we had lost him in our tragic incident too. He came very close to not being here with us and I don't ever want to take that for granted. I don't deserve any of the kids I have in my life- they are all true gifts to me and 13 years with Brock has certainly been more than a blessing. It's been my joy to be his mom.
And friend.
He just got Face Book- as we made him wait until he was legally 13 to get a page. I got to be his first "friend" and somehow I am fortunate to be mom and friend. I hope that our relationship will grow even better with time. I'm am sure there will be days where we don't see eye to eye on things or where we need a little extra soace from one another. But for now I can honestly say that it is a remarkable and wonderful thing to have a teen in the house. Or maybe it's just Brock. =) He really is a great kid and I hope that in the years he has yet to grow and learn and share his life and goodness with the world that the world recognizes a tiny bit of his greatness and gives some of it right back. Happy teen years to my Brock!
{That cake Brock requested is here if you want to make one of your own...Pillsbury Turtle Cake. Delicious, easy and makes for a great birthday cake!}

Sometimes it's best to look at the bigger picture.

I recently started a Biblestudy at my church with a group of women and the first two week's topics have been joy and peace respectively. I wonder if it is more than coincidence that these two topics were first up- which just happen to be two of the things I have been praying for more of in my life. I don't know why it is, but even after all the years I have spent getting to know God better and having a personal relationship with Him through His son, Jesus, I still find myself surprised and amazed when He seems to listen to and/or respond to my prayers.

It has been good for my heart and soul to have this time with other women who have hearts longing to know God more and live according to what He has called each of us to; it has been good for my heart and soul to dig deeper into the Scripture and "see and hear" stuff that is always there, but doesn't always jump out at me during my morning quiet times. It has also been good for me to be reminded of the many ways God has, does and WILL work in my life and in the world around us.

I happened to add a few photos to my FaceBook account this week and at one point I clicked on an album titled, "Snapshots of 2011". I was surprised and the number of photos I had taken and uploaded through the year. It was fun to see the different highlights that I had added and as I looked at the screen with all the smiles and happy memories it was like a little wave washed over me. It was the kind of wave where I almost couldn't believe I was looking at "my life". The pictures above are some of the photos I was looking at. I smiled to myself and thought, "ow lucky am I that these are the pictures and memories and people in my life?!"

Far too many times and through the stress of daily living, I find that I just get dragged down. What these little thumbnails reminded me of is just how much I have to be grateful for. I DO have reason to be filled with joy each day! I DO change diapers non-stop and wash lots of dirty clothes and more bedding than I care to admit that I do each week. I do have dreams and wishes for my husband and kids that go unfulfilled each day- and many of my own that take a backseat to life right now. But more than anything the Biblestudy and seeing these pictures and sensing that God has me right where He wants me to be right now has been a wonderful, calm reassurance in my life this past week.

I don't know what the Snapshots of 2012 will include, but I do know that even through the daily trials and stuff that seems monotonous and routine around here, there is sure to be some truly happy times; some memories that I will treasure for a long time. I am so glad that I was hit with the reality of how blessed I am and maybe the reminder or idea for me to stop and take a look at the "bigger picture",which is actually a compilation of lots of little pictures, every so often will help keep a tiny bit of joy bubbling inside me. Hopefully it will allow me to be thankful and peace-filled too, as I see all God has done in my life. He truly is a good God. Between the digging in, the prayers I've said, the sharing and doing life with others and the snapshots you see of my family and that is more than enough proof to me that God is working all things for good in my life. I've done nothing to deserve His goodness, except accept I'm a sinner and believe in His Son, Jesus. And He just keeps making something beautiful of my life. Sometimes it's up to me to simply step back and take a look at the bigger picture. One day I look forward to seeing it all from Heaven's vantage point too!

True Love.

On this eve of Valentine's Day I am feeling less than romantic. In the past 24 hours, we have had a couple of sick kids which means extra loads of laundry and baths to be done. We just had the flu bug at our house 6 weeks ago. So I was less than thrilled that it has hit again. In addition to stomach bugs, we had a vehicle picked over by some random strangers as it sat out in our driveway. That type of invasion just makes me feel so unsettled, even though nothing was taken from us. It just brings to light the "bad" that is out there- never far away.

Bella has to have two teeth pulled tomorrow morning; Teague is teething and has a nice diaper rash to go along with that. There are a few household items that need attending to, and I have a couple of fun spots that are driving me crazy from where I bit my lip a couple of days ago. I'm sure I could add a few more things to this list, but I am sure you sort of get a big enough picture with just these things from one day in my life.

I've said it before that sometimes it feels like life just wants to drag us down. I'm not even sure who or what or where it wants to take us, but I get really bugged that it piles up and weighs us down at the same time. I keep writing about wanting to find joy and happiness in life once again, and I feel like we continue to make the effort to do so, but no matter how hard we try the bad stuff outweighs the good. The fun is squashed by the not-so-fun. Almost all the time.

I am a big believer in fighting back. Even though I let myself and everyone around me down with my bad attitude way too often.

My mom mentioned the quote you see in this post which says, "Commitment begins where fun ends." I have been thinking about that for a couple of days and especially so as my thoughts turn to Valentine's Day and all the things we see and hear about love this time of year. I was thinking about how long it's been since Chip and I have had a moment to ourselves. Much less any type of romance or dinner out together. It's been longer than I can remember. I was thinking about how our relationship was so different when all we were concerned about in life was "us". We had all the time in the world for fun and for laughing and hanging out and experiencing things without ever worrying about getting anyone to bed on time. Or about paying for co-pays and having doctor visits and dental appointments on school days or about having diapers on hand or lunches ready or any number of other things that life demands of us on a daily basis now.

I was thinking about how unlikely it is that we should still be together as a couple. We have lived through the loss of a child. We have lived with a daughter with major medical needs and have 5 other "needy" children to watch over each day too. We don't do what the relationship 'experts' say about going on weekly or monthly dates. We often go to bed in seperate rooms because someone is sick or crying or we just fall asleep exhausted and it's too much effort to go to bed in the right bed.

I couldn't help but think about our wedding day. None of the things I've mentioned in the previous paragraphs even crossed my mind as I took those steps down the asile, hand-in-hand with my new husband, Chip. I was thinking about the hugs we would share with our friends and loved ones as they congratulated us on our love and wished us the best in our marriage. I was smiling as I thought about the cake we would cut and eat together. Our first dessert as husband and wife...carrot cake with coconut frosting! Mmmm! I was thinking about how handsome I thought Chip looked- even with beads of sweat on his brow from the heat and humidity of that August summer day. I was thinking about the details that had fallen into place for us to have such a beautiful, intimate ceremony. I was trying to hold on to how fast the day seemed to be flying by.

But not once did I think about or picture a life where we would have to start laundry at midnight and bathe kids after a long day. Not once did I picture having to make rules about who can use the laptop or that I would yell for someone to turn the tv off 4 times before they actually listen and go to the dinner table as asked. Not once did I imagine holding a tiny body in my arms and know that weight would still come to mind as I missed my little girl. I didn't picture a life where instead of going out for a nice dinner together, we simply tried to get everybody through the meal without crying. I didn't picture a future where we would stand hand in hand and sing "It Is Well With My Soul" as we recalled memories of our firstborn daughter's 4 short years of life together and share a grief like none other I have ever felt before. As we walked down that aisle to start our life together I never imagined any of the "worse" that we had said in our vows. I thought only of the better. As most brides and grooms do.

It's hard to see past the beautiful gowns and the flowers and the shiny rings and the hair that is perfectly in place. The guests are all smiles; even the rainclouds and downpour that happened on our wedding day couldn't dampen the love and joy that we felt- inside and out. It was all we had in our hearts and on our minds.

But in real life, the flowers wilt by evening. My dress showed wear and stains by the time the first dance played~ the song...Fly Me to the Moon. =) My feet began to hurt on the drive to our bed and breakfast. But even then, there was a smile on our faces and love was in the air. There was no denying the happiness we felt. It was evident on our faces. We had our head in the clouds and we were more than thrilled to have them there too!

I am thankful for the vows we made on that day- August 12th, 1995. I am thankful for a God who has shown Himself faithful to us in our darkest hours, in our moments of bliss, and in all the ordinary days we've shared through the years. It's true. The fun has worn thin most of the time at this phase in our lives. The demands placed on each of us far outweigh what have to offer to each other and to everyone else around us too. But one thing stands out in my mind.And that is the choice we have in making it work. We choose to stay together. We choose to believe that there is coming a day when we'll have more "fun" again. We choose to believe that God has brought us together and when we said, "I do" it meant we do always. Not just when things are pretty. Or fun. Or easy. Or when the skies are cloudless and blue.

Commitment is something that takes hard work. I know you all know this. But what I think we forget or fail to see in our culture and through the media so often, is that commitment is so worth it! There is something amazing about being able to look back after days or weeks or years of not-so-hot times and see that you made it through that together. There is something so humbling to me on the mornings I wake up with my hair sticking straight up and dark circles under my eyes and my breath doesn't smell very nice and then Chip greets me with a "Good morning, Beautiful."

That is a God-thing, if you ask me. =)

I know we have a love we don't deserve. I already told you we do most things wrong when it comes to building a strong and lasting marriage. We do however know that even when we wish everything in life could be different that we are still grateful to have each other. We still have work to do and lots of ways to improve the way we show love to each other. We still have lots of reasons to say, "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" too. We still have more times than we care to admit where instead of being grateful for one another, we wish we could take a break from "us".

But we stick it out. We are commited. Deep down we know that from the very beginning there was something special. Something bigger than that which we could see or feel had a plan for us to be together as one. Even when things didn't turn out the way we imagined or dreamed. His plan was one of Love. For better; for worse; in everything.

This Valentine's Day I know that even without a box of chocolates or a vase full of pretty flowers or a romantic dinner out that Chip is the one for me. Forever. I know that his love is real- even on the days it's hard to see or feel. I know he knows this about me too. And it's not because of anything we have done right. But only because of the One who continues to show mercy and grace to us and holds us together.

I am thankful more than anything this Valentine's Day for the true love of God. I hope that you are thankful and can see it and feel it in your heart and life in a real way too. May you know and share this love with others around you- today and always.

I have to close with this:

I love you, Chip.

Forever and ever.

Always.

xoxo

Jody