Still unexpected.

This post. This is the reason I come running back to my blog, even when I have other 'important' life things going on around my home. This is the place that I come to to put it all out there. This is the way I take what spills out of my heart, mind and soul and put it into pictures and words as though that will somehow help to make sense out of the still senseless sometimes. People have often told me or written me emails saying, "I don't know how you do it". They are talking about this kind of post. The ones that come from the depths of grief and sorrow that still wash over me at times. People wonder how one can put words to feelings and emotions that have such powerful ties to memories that are fading more and more, yet can come out of nowhere and make my wounds from years ago feel raw and fresh and 'real' all over. I don't how to answer the question of how I do it, but I can tell you that after years of living with grief I feel like I am still learning 'how' to do it and it is ever-changing. Much like time. You can't explain it or see it, but it is very real and sometimes goes way too quickly, and at other times it seems to drag on forever. Yet the length of a moment never changes. It simply is.
What I can tell you is that for me to run to a pen and paper, or a keyboard and blog in this case, is part of the way I deal. It has become part of the way I heal. I have found that for me to hold my stories inside of me is too much to bear, but to put my stories and feelings out there and then let them be, it just feels "right". It feels right for me to know that maybe my burdens can be shared by another. It feels right knowing that my grief and stories might connect with another, and both our souls can be touched in a tiny way when our hearts connect in this way. Even if I don't know you. Even if I'll never meet you. Even if it is only the universe that takes in what I attempt to put into words I choose to do this. I simply write and share because I know I can't bear this kind of thing alone. Maybe that is the biggest lesson I have learned in all these years of carrying the weight of loss in my life and that is this...to carry it alone is to walk in darkness and be consumed with sorrow. I knew I couldn't live that way. But to share your grief with another is to lighten your load or at least toy with the light because there is something so beautiful about bearing one's soul knowing that someone else is willing to let your burden touch their heart and that their ears are willing to listen to your cries as you seek to put them into words. This is why and where I choose to share.
What I can tell you about the journey of grief I have been on for almost 11 years now, is that the biggest wonder of it all is when it washes over me at unexpected and surprising times and places. I am most surprised that the moments when I am hit with the "reality" of the death of my little girl so often have nothing to do with the very things I loved most about her. It isn't seeing Barbie dolls lined up in packages on store shelves or hearing her favorite songs or pulling out photo albums and looking back at pictures of her smiling face. Those have strong emotions tied to them to be sure.
But it was yesterday and then last night. It is actually the month of July, I have come to learn after all these years, that simply makes the feelings I feel resurface or show up so unexpectedly. I sat in a chair holding Teague and as I rocked him and sang to him his goodnight songs last night I suddenly had tears well up inside of me and I heard my voice begin to tremble and the next thing I know there was so much pain and sorrow in my heart and throat that for a brief moment I couldn't even breathe. I went from singing softly, to tears flowing and my shoulders shaking from the sorrow I haven't recalled or felt in a long, long time.
To be sure, I think of Teagan all the time. Our family even recently celebrated Coke Float Day as we do every year and it was a wonderful, memorial day and one of happy new memories too. It is an unusual thing for me to even cry at all anymore. There ws a time I thought I would live my life crying everyday. There was a time I learned to weep silently because I didn't want to wake Chip or upset my little Wyndham or Brock too many days in a row. Those times I thought were gone. I have healed, I told myself. And I believe I have. We have. Our hurt is something that most people cannot "see". It is something we choose to share or not share at this point in life. It is something that is always there...but not always present.
And if that does or doesn't make sense I don't know. I am simply trying to express what it is that I have inside. I am simply writing today to get this out. It was such  profound moment last night in that chair that I am simply writing it out, lest I hold it in and let it take up a tiny piece of me.
Earlier in the day I had washed, dried and folded clothes. Like I do a hundred times a week. That is nothing new. But yesterday as I turned one of Crew's summer tee's right side out the size 4 on his tag jumped out of me. I held his little shirt out at my arm's length and made a mental note as I studied it. Next to Brock's shirt in the clothes pile it looked so small. Crew has other size four shirts that he is starting to wear and the latest clearance shirt I got at Target for him was a size 4/5. The label says, "extra small".
As I sat singing and rocking my Teague man last night, my mind suddenly couldn't contain what I had seen and tucked away earlier that day. In the midst of a pile of laundry, there it was. It was in my hands as I held up Crew's tiny shirt. She was that small. Teagan was that small the last time I held her. She was "extra small".
As the chair moved back and forth and with the weight of Teague in my arms all fresh, clean and snuggly and close to me, I could contain it no more. The wave of that hurt and the acceptance of my loss of Teagan all over again flooded my soul and turned into tears and weeping that I haven't experienced in a long time. I cried for a moment or two. And I thought that was it. I continued my singing and wiped my tears on my shoulder and Teague seemed unphased by it all as his eyes grew heavier and the rocking chair swayed. But as I looked down at him and prepared to tuck him into his crib for the night, another wave came over me. And I couldn't catch my breath for another short moment. This time because the memory of my last night at home with Teagan filled my mind. It was as clear as could be.
That night we had finished some Chinese take-out. Teagan even gave her fortune cookie to Brock and I made her one of her favorite desserts instead- tapioca pudding. She didn't eat hers all up, so I covered her little bowl up and put it in the fridge for later. There would be no "later". That night I tidied up the house and got Brock down for the night first. Wyndham was tiny and still nursing at bedtime. When she went down for the night I got myself ready for bed. Chip and Teagan were always the night owls at our place and that night Chip told me to "go relax for the rest of the night" while he would look after Teagan and tuck her in. I grabbed a parenting magazine to flip through and climbed into bed. The final article in the magazine was called "Losing Isabella" and it was the story of one mom's loss of her little 18-month old daughter to an unexpected illness. I ached for this mother and remember looking over into Wyndham's crib thinking she looked especially precious to me that night. I couldn't imagine what the pain of standing next to the bedside of your daughter must feel like as she lay there hooked up to life support. I couldn't imagine how anyone could deal with the pain of knowing their child had no hope and would soon take her last breath.
I had no idea that within the window of the next 24 hours I would know firsthand what this mother I was reading about was feeling. I couldn't have imagined that by taking Chip up on his offer to tuck Teagan in that night, that I would never have another chance to do that myelf. I had no way of knowing that as we drifted off to sleep that night we would never sleep cozy in our home together again.
Last night, between the tiny t-shirts in my laundry and the place I let my heart and mind drift to as I rocked Teague to sleep was a combination so potent that it overwhelmed my body and soul. I will never understand how our lives could go from so ordinary and 'comfy' and sure to pain and heartache and questions so big that they linger and show up unexpectedly years and years later. I may never grasp the answer to the question of grief for as long as I live.
But I can tell you it is real. I can tell you I still feel Teagan's spirit with me each day. I can tell you my singing to Teague even through tears last night somehow felt "right". I sat there singing and wishing that I had been the one to tuck Teagan in and lay by her and sing her to sleep that final night at home in her bed. I sat there rocking Teague and wondered what the future held for him. I wondered what is in store for all of us. It hurts in that place- that place of wishing and wondering. But it also makes me look at this day- each day- with different "eyes". Eyes that know this day matters. Eyes that know this day is a gift. Eyes that know as big and independent as my kids seem at times the reality is they are still kids and I need to embrace them as they are that day. Eyes that know I am not alone in my grief. Eyes that know others have hurt even more than me. Eyes that treasure this world yet know and long for and believe in a place called Heaven; where my questions will have answers and I will have no regrets. Eyes that know sharing this stuff that I live through and think and see and feel- might just help give you who read this new "eyes" too.

Summertime in the kitchen.

With seven mouths to feed and sometimes one more, when Chip is home from work, I find myself in or around the kitchen most of my waking hours. At least it seems like that in the summer. I am lucky that most of my kids wake up and are pretty mellow about easing into the day as far as breakfast is concerned. They love a hearty breakfast and Brock especially enjoys his morning coffee. But nobody really wakes up demanding food. Some of them even go to the pantry and pick a box of cereal or make themselves a piece of toast without any help from me. So that is a nice perk to having night owl kids. =)
I still have a hard time making meals that all the kids like, and I still feel like our repetoire of foods get boring very quickly. I would love for my kids to like more varieties of foods, but it just turns out to be more trouble than it's worth when I make new recipes these days. We eat as many fruits and lots of fresh vegetables this time of year. We cannot keep enough fresh berries or watermelon or corn on the cob around here. I think my kids could live on blueberries, raspberries and peaches if I let them for three months.
I thought I would share a couple of pictures and recipes of two of the things we had to eat this week. Both these recipes are easy, semi-healthy as far as muffins and pie go, and they were gobbled up by every one of my kids.
The first is recipe is for Oatmeal Blueberry Muffins. I modified the recipe when I doubled it and used half all-purpose flour and half whole wheat flour. I added fresh blueberries and fresh peaches diced up too. They were very good, especially piping hot out of the oven. I am going to make them with raspberries and peaches next time, just because I love that combination too.
The second recipe is one that has been a favorite of mine since I was a little girl. I never liked chocolate as a kid; I have since grown to appreciate and even love rich, bittersweet, delicate chocolate in many forms. But my first love is still toward the vanilla, custard-type and anything coconut desserts. This pie is so easy to make that it has earned the name Impossibly Easy Coconut Pie. Or Impossible Pie for short. The ingredients are placed in a blender and it makes its own crust. It is virtually fail-proof. Which is a wonderful thing for beginning pie makers. I know there are a couple of variations to this pie- one even calls for Bisquick, but I have always stuck to this recipe my mom made. There is something to be said about tried and true.
The recipe is as follows:
Ingredients:
4 eggs
1/4 tsp. salt
1 cup sugar (I use less becase I usually have sweetened coconut)
1/2 cup flour
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1 cup coconut
2 cups milk
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 cup of melted butter or margarine
Directions: Place all ingredients into a blender and mix until combined. Pour into a lightly greased 9" pie plate and place in a preheated oven at 350 degrees. Bake for about one hour.
I always keep an eye on it those last 10 minutes or so just to make sure it doesn't get too golden brown on top. We ate ours with fresh whipped cream and peaches and we polished off the last piece between 4 of us for breakfast the next morning. I figured it had enough eggs and fruit in it to count as a jumpstart to breakfast. My kids didn't argue with me about that.
If you have any favorite summer recipes you make over and over, I would love you to tell me so in the comments. Especially if you think kids would love them. I am at that point in the summer where I am ready to try anything new in the kitchen. I hope my kids might be ready for something new too!

Hey, hey...it's me again!

I have been so busy with summertime. And recently with scrapping again too! Needless to say, I have been way too "quiet" around here and I know I keep promising to post more often. I am going to keep that promise soon. I am not just typing that this time either. So for all of you who keep checking in here for something- anything- I am not always sure what you are hoping to see or read, but more is coming. =) Feel free to write me a note about what you DO like to see when you drop by here. And I will be mindful of that as get back to more regular blogging. In the meanwhile, it's not like I am quiet all the time. I am on Face Book way too often and sometimes do "live chats" on my wall if you want to find me there. Come on over and friend me and get your dose of Nitty.Gritty. facebook style. =)
I hope you are having a full and wonderful summer. Ours has been hot- just like most of yours has been too. Stay cool and I'll be checking back soon and looking forward to your suggestions in my comments. Say hi!

This is what I wake up to...

I had the privilege of attending a photography workshop and also enjoyed an evening getting to know a new friend better last week. It was one of the highlights of my month- which has been as busy as usual, thus the lack of blogging. Again. My apologies to anyone who still checks in here with any regularity. I keep promising to do better at posting, but have been lousy at follow through. Maybe my summer will allow time for that. But I am not making any promises...just hopful!
So this photography workshop I attended was geared for moms who want to improve their photos and it was a night full of great tips, techniques and examples of how to do things right or wrong with lighting. The morning after my workshop I was obviously inspired by the headful of information I had gained the night before, so I had my camera on the counter, ready to implement something I had learned.
Crew was my first 'lucky' victim. =)
We never know if he is going to come down the stairs grinning or grumpy. It's more often than not his grumpy side that greets us, and last Monday morning he was all of that. He was even less thrilled to see my camera in hand. But the lighting was exactly what the photographer had said would capture the catchlights in his eyes. So I snapped a photo anyway. Her next trick was to offer candy to get a great smile. I decided it was worth a try- even if Crew hadn't had breakfast yet. I couldn't bring myself to offer candy, but asked if he wanted a Super Mario fruit snack {which, I know, is no better than candy, but we moms like to play tricks on ourselves at times too} and his grouchy face sudeenly turned happy at that very thought.
Chip says he likes the grumpy face picture best. I think because it is so very "Crew" as we seem him most mornings and even though it is frustrating and annoying to snap him out of it much of the time, it is still the way we start our days and it definitely makes us love his smiles even more.
Tomorrow is the last day of school for Brock, Bella and Ava. That thought thrills and causes panic in me at the same time. But I hope that we have more smiles than frowns and I just know to savor it all because it really does fly by so quickly. I hope you all have more to smile about than frown right now, and if not, I hope you can hold fast to the fact that the clouds don't last forever. Before you know it the sun will shine again!

His personality is taking shape.

My "baby" is fast approaching the age of two. He's been learning and watching his 5 older siblings for many, many months now and in just a few days Teague will be 21 months old. Twenty-one. I am sure it will seem but a blink and the months will be replaced with years and I will wonder how it all happened so quickly.
So for that simple fact, I snapped a couple of pictures and am compelled to write a few things about my little guy who is growing up all too fast and capture a little bit of who he is today. At almost 21 months.
I heard him wake up this morning a little bit after 8am and just after I had poured some more hot coffee into my cup. I thought I might have a minute or two to myself as Crew sat and watched "Team UmiZoomi" and I had just cleaned up from seeing the older kids off to the bus and out the door for their second-to-last Friday of the school year.
I typically hear Teague awake with a small whimper or cry or some sort of fussing that lets me know he is ready to get out of his crib and on with the start of his day. Nine times out of 10 he wakes up just a tad on the 'grumpy side' and he has to ease into the morning with some whole milk, some hug time or his newest favorite cartoon... Peppa Pig. Often times it is a combination of all three. Today as I opened his door and stepped into his room, I saw him standing at the head of his crib holding onto the rail. As I took a couple of steps toward him he grinned and then lifted his hands up in the air and said, "Ta Da!"
It was the cutest thing ever.
It made up for some of the not-so-nice things he has been up to lately. Including dumping out half a bag of Raisin Bran just so he could eat the raisins out of the mix. Or when he repeatedly pulls out dirty dishes as I am loading the dishwasher. Or the knack he has for doing that limp-body thing whenever you need to  carry him in or out of somewhere or change the activity he is in the middle of doing and he doesn't want to do it. He charmed me especially so this past Sunday on Mother's Day when he screamed- yes, screamed- the whole drive {about 10 minutes long} from the church parking lot to Culvers where we ate lunch with my mom and dad. He was a handful running around everywhere at lunch too, but at least he had quit screaming once we got him inside.
One of the things that is cute even when he is being not-so-nice these days is when I raise my voice or call his name if he's getting into mischief. Most of the time he doesn't respond. But he almost always snaps out of whatever it is or gives me his attention when I call him by his middle name, "Easton". I am working on getting the rest of the family to call him that too. For some reason he is starting to look like an Easton to me. We'll see how that turns out!
And now for the flip-side. He is such a great kid when it comes to meals. He loves so many different foods. He loves 'helping' in the kitchen {I just wrote about how great he is at emptying the dishwasher!}, and he even tries new things very readily. Just last week he ate almost all the tomatoes off of a salad I was eating. I was surprised he didn't spit out the first one and then he wanted more and more and more! He LOVES berries- blueberries and blackberries especially. He loves to sit in the driver's seat and pretend to drive. He loves old classic songs from Sesame Street and he knows how to pull them up and watch them over and over again on our cellphones.
He is a growing, active, smart, funny, dynamic personality in our home where he could easily be out-shined by someone else. Somehow though, he, just like all my other kids, has a way of bringing his own charm and personality and flavor into the mix. It's not always easy mothering my busy brood of kids. But it is always entertaining, often dramatic and on even the most ordinary days, it seems someone makes it special. If by simply announcing, "TA-DA!" when I walk into their room.
Oh how I love my little guy. Even when he's not always so nice. He more than makes up for it and I am so glad I get to be a part of his life and watch him grow into who God has created him to be!

{Healthy} Cinnamon-Swirl Brioche ala Pinterest =)

We are well into the month of May already and here I am, finally bopping in to my own blog to catch up for a minute. Life has been every bit as crazy and busy as you might imagine it to be with spring in full bloom, the golf course open and bustling with business, the kids passing along colds and coughs and fevers- as though they are toally into sharing so why not share germs, and a few other things like our former nanny and great friend, Rachael staying for a long weekend visit. It really has been a busy and full few weeks around here. I don't see a whole lot of slowing down as school come to a close and summer kicks up its heels either!
If you wonder where I find the time to hang out on Pinterest, I'll tell you. From 10:30-11:15pm. =) Or any time I can grab a minute here or there in the middle of the craziness too. I happened to log in at just the precise moment yesterday when one of the pinners I follow posted this cinnamon swirl brioche. I clicked over to the recipe first and then realized it was "a must-make recipe" especially in light of my wanting to cut out processed food and eat healthier overall. So I went ahead and pinned it and then facebooked a link noting that I wanted to make it. I figured that would 'force' me to try it and not just dream about it. Well, whatever I did worked, because in a matter of minutes I had the dough proofing on my counter and was very happy with how easily it had come together to that point. Even though I was short one egg and I was using all whole-grain wheat flour in place of white. I was determined to make it work.
So this morning I found myself awake at 5:15am...thanks to Teague, who promptly went back to sleep. I however was awake for the day and headed out for a few groceries. Including a couple of dozen eggs. =) After getting the kids up and out the door for school I pulled out the dough that was ready and waiting and rolled it out using a can of bakng spray, as we haven't unpacked the box with our rolling pin in it yet. Somehow, this bread dough still rolled out nearly perfectly and then with the help of Crew, we added the cinnamon filling, sliced the dough, braided it, and put 3 loaf pans carefully in the hot oven.
Crew, and Teague by this point, could hardly wait to taste it. They looked through the oven window with the light on several times during the baking process. It turned out better than I imagined it would, and it was even easier than I had expected it to be as well. A total win-win as far as I was concerned. The fact that it is very healthy, with minimal sugar and whole grain too...bonus.
So here you go...the original recipe that I found and pinned. Just 24 hours ago. If you pin this and start the recipe you can be slicing and eating this or bringing it to your favorite teacher or neighbor or garbage man by this time tomorrow too! Good luck and happy baking!

This little light of mine.

{Photo by orange gearle via flickr.com}
Are you ever amazed when you come across a song or a quote or a photograph or a sunset or sunise that seems to just "speak to you" exactly in the way your heart, mind and/or spirit seem to be needing to "hear it"?! I love when that happens. Today, in one of my devotionals {Streams in the Desert devotionals compiled by Mrs. Chas E. Cowman, 1950} this spoke straight to my heart and I just feel like maybe by sharing it here it could speak to someone else too.
*   *   *   *   *
Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it. An unlit candle does no shining. Burning must come before shining. We cannot be of great use to others without cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering. We shrink from pain.
We are apt to feel that we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong, and able for active duty, and when the heart and hands are full of kindly service.
When we are called aside and can only suffer; when we are sick; when we are consumed with pain; when all our activities have been dropped, we feel that we are no longer of use, that we are not doing anything.
But if we are patient and submissive, it is almost certain that we are a greater blessing to the world in our time of suffering and pain than we were in the days when we thought we were doing the most of our work. We are burning now, and shining because we are burning.

My Pie in the Sky memories.

I found this old TGIFriday's dessert menu in a drawer of papers the other day. It's glossy and double-sided and I've kept it for a long time. Teagan wanted me to frame it and hang it on the wall by our kitchen table at one point. It's just some old pictures of desserts, but boy does it bring back memories to me!

I almost added a paragraph in the post about my Letter to my 16-year old self that I should have not eaten so many TGIFriday's Thin Onion Rings or Pie in the Sky dessert. I lost count of how many I ate during my college years- they were so good and you know what? I have some wonderful memories of those days and the people I shared apps and dessert with back then that I don't know if it such a bad thing that I lost track of how many baskets of rings we had together. They were times and people I will always be fond of.

Is it a wonder to you, as much as it is to me, just how closely food and memories are tied together? I think of the meals I shared with my family as a kid. I still remember Sunday meals with friends and family around our big table together. I always think of my Grandma Shirley on St. Patrick's Day. She loved the holiday, anything green and especially making her famous corned beef and potato dinner for friends and family. I think of picking berries at my other Grandma's house. Her strawberry patch always had loads of berries and even though they were ripe and sweet and delicious, we kids still loved to dip them in a bit of sugar when we ate them. She always made the best dinner rolls too. I've never had anything close to them. And her chocolate cake bites covered in coconut...mmmm. I feel like a kid again just thinking about them.

I sometimes wonder what my own kids will remember about growing up. I am not the best when it comes to making dinner and meals. Chip is a great cook. I am good when I have recipes, time to shop and plan and people that I know will appreciate my efforts. When it comes to nightly meals, I have to admit we eat more homemade buttermilk waffles and orange julius than we probably should. But my kids never complain when I make that meal and so the meal stays in our dinner rotation frequently.

I know food is powerful in many ways. Do you have any favorite foods that evoke strong memories? I'd love to read yours...

Today I am missing Pie-in-the-Sky for some reason. And I don't think it just has to do with whipped cream.

Not quite home.

The top three pictures are of our house back in Michigan. The one we still need to sell. The one that still "feels like home", if you ask me. The fourth picture is of the kitchen we have right now. It's big and grand and has a lot of "upgrades". I thought I would give an update about our home situation since this week marks 4 months since we moved from Michigan to Minnesota.

A lot of people keep asking, "Are you all settled in now?". The answer is no. We are SO grateful for the home we are in and the fact that we get to rent it at all. We prayed hard to get in this house- it wasn't technically on the market for renting at the time we were looking and needing it to be. So the fact that we were able to rent it and be here is a blessing and an answer to prayer. We have more than enough space and it is very comfortable for our family.

But...

And here's the thing. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I am not. I'm just sharing my heart and how I feel right now. I feel torn. That's the best way I can say it. Like I said, I am so glad that God opened the hearts of the home owners that they were willing to rent this place to us. But...

I still miss our former house. It too met a lot of our needs. It wasn't as big or as grand or gourmet. But it was a great place and had a lot of things about it that met our needs even moreso than this current house does. So that's where my feelings come from.

Trusting that God knows best even when we haven't hardly had a single bit of interest on our home in Michigan than needs selling, and shelling out two house payments each month is a hard thing to trust in. His ways. I've blogged so much about trusting His higher ways. And I do. We do. It just seems like He would find a buyer at a decent price and allow us to find a home that suits our needs at a decent price on this end of things too. We're "in limbo" as people often say right now. And I am learning that I don't function at my best when I'm "in limbo". I like to make our space our own. I wish the kids could unpack all their stuff and feel like this place is more like their 'old place'. More like home. But the fact is we will be moving again at some point and so we are keeping lots and lots of stuff in boxes. We keeping the walls bare and just living in the space- but not changing anything about it to make it feel like home.

So that's been hard on all of us for four months. It adds a dimension of stress that I never thought about as we prepared to move. The good news is that the more we have been in this place, the more we are finding out what we do or don't want in our next place. Hopefully that will help our next home purchase to be even more of what we want and need and therby it will feel more like home soon after we move in.

The other really big thing I am learning is that a house is a house. What has really been helping all of us to feel 'settled' in our new place is the people that have been opening their hearts to us and building friendships with each of us. That has been the biggest blessing of all in this major move. The boxes are still stacked in the garage. The house in Michigan still sits empty and takes a portion of our income each month. But even still, I can just tell that God is in this move and He has our best interest at heart. Even when I would do things differently right now. The friends we have been making and the ways we have been shown kindness truly gives us a peace that God has us right where He wants us right now. I don't know how much longer we will have to wait on His timing for the move and home sale...but I can tell you that I am sure it will happen exactly when He wants it to. Until then, even though we're not quite home, we are leaving our fingerprints all over this place and we're doing our best to not miss our old home at the same time.

I can only imagine that this is a tiny foretaste of what living here on earth is like compared to the day when we will finally be home in Heaven. There's a lot to love down here. But this isn't home. When we finally reach our real home, it will truly be like no other place we've ever been. It's going to be Home sweet Home forever!

Forgiveness opens the door to new life.

Last night Oprah's Lifeclass was live from Toronto, Canada. The show topic was on Forgiveness and as the topic was introduced a few clips from our original appearance on The Oprah Show was aired. We had been notified and in contact with a producer from the show last week. We talked about how forgiveness has impacted our lives. We talked about some of the issues that we will live with forever- especially in regard to Wyndham. Seeing pieces of our story and thinking about how that was April of 2002- a full ten years ago- and yet the message is still one that is so relevent today for us and for so many other people who have been hurt in their lives.

I have learned so many things through the events of the past ten years and I find it most amazing that Chip and I have been able to stay together and as humbly as I can put this, I might add that we have grown and flourished and lived very full lives since our incident occured. I have written about it in previous posts that I still find it crazy that we didn't just pull the window blinds of lour lives shut and let the world pass us by. There were days and months in those early stages of our grief and pain that that is exactly what we felt like and wanted nothing more to do. Especially when the events of 9/11 happened just weeks after we had left the Hurley Hospital ICU with Wyndham and were trying to heal from our physical wounds and injuries. It just felt overwhelming that the world could be so full of hurt and death and pain and with a feeling of darkness over much of our days. I remember sitting on the egde of my bed with pain shooting through my neck, back and legs even before my feet touched the ground. I would sit for a moment of two and let the reailty of what had happened to us and so many others start to sink in. And honestly, some days it didn't seem like it would ever matter for me to leave my bed. It felt safer and I really felt like the world had nothing more to offer me. All I sensed was pain and hurt...and to take a step out of bed caused even more pain. I seemed as though the world we had once known and laughed in and loved in and cared about was no where to be found.

Knowing that Teagan would never come bounding across the room and throw her arms around me for a big hug, and seeing Brock's pain from her loss and his own physical issues as he tried to recover on top of Wyndham's major life set-backs, well it just seemed to be a whole new, broken, hurting world that I wanted to close my eyes and see it all go away.

Thankfully, and the only one I credit for giving me eyes to see and a heart to believe that there was something in our new dark world worth fighting for was God. I know several people who don't believe in God. I know several people who think He is just a nice idea, or they wonder if He really could exist, but they have never had to actually rely on Him or need Him for anything in their lives. But for me, for Chip, for our family, He was our everything. God made Himself known through things like a double-rainbow outside of my car window on the way to the hospital as I headed to Flint, MI while the rest of my family members were being airlifted there one by one. He made Himself known in the peace that flooded Chip's heart and soul and he undeniably felt Teagan hugging him, just moments after she died. He hadn't even been told she was gone- but at that time he felt the warmth of her arms hugging him and her small voice saying, "Daddy, it's going to be okay."

God showed up in the way our bodies were able to heal and especially so in Wyndham's tiny body. We had doctors tell us she would never survive her shunt surgery- but that they had to go ahead and perform it because without it she would die too. So the option was she would die either way, but they wanted to at least try their last resort. Once out of surgery, and much to their surprise, she was opening her eyes and looking at us within a couple of hours. They told us it would be at least a day before they even knew if she would come out of the sedation enough to be alert.

God was there.

I know some people have a hard time believing in something that cannot be seen. But in spite of never seeing Him or His hands at work, we have FELT His presence, His healing, His peace and His comfort in ways that cannot be explained. He has been a strength for us and has shown us the path toward healing and even Joy in life again. He has been faithful to provide us the grace to accept what happened to us and the ability to extend forgiveness for the offenses against us too. He has been the one to lead us through our darkness and back into the light.

In talking about the show topic and discussing where we are at now, my heart and mind have been thinking about just how amazing it is that we did choose {although I believe God helped guide our hearts and response of forgiveness} the path of forgiveness and it is so obvious to me that it changed the way we were able to live as a result.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that forgiveness allowed Chip and I to find joy, happiness, laughter the ability to see goodness in our dark world once again. Forgiveness toward Cindy and what she did that fateful day allowed us to live beyond that moment and not live a life of bitterness and inner pain. I truly believe that had we not both claimed forgiveness toward her and her actions, that we never would have stayed together and weathered the storm of grief and the ongoing life challenges that her actions have left us with for the rest of our lives. I know I would have allowed the wall of hurt to keep Chip out and I would have walled him off with the rest of the world. I would have chose to hold onto the pain and grief in a way that would have closed my heart off to feeling love again. Bitterness would have taken full root and as it would have grown and filled my heart I would have turned my back on the ability to smile and my world would have never felt the warmth of light.

I know full well that choosing the path of forgiveness ultimately defined the course of our lives for the better- and it opened the door for new life to happen again. Chip and I will tell you that choosing to forgive didn't happen to us both in the same way. But we would also tell you that choosing forgiveness was the best way for both of us. Without it we never would have found love in each other again. Our ability to say the words and live them to be true actually made it possible for us to bring Bella and Ava and Crew and Teague into our hearts and lives. They are real life gifts and blessings born out of our ability to choose forgiveness and love again. They are reminders to me each day that forgiveness DOES lead to beautiful things- even as miraculous as new birth- new life.

Forgiveness released us from the hold our pain had on us- physically, mentally and emotionally. I believe that if we had held onto the reality of how unfair what happened to us truly was, we would have let that affect our ability to heal. What I mean by that is that I know I would have not driven Wyndham to therapy/rehabilitation as often as we have had to do for 10 years. I would have used my hurt and the wrong done to us to justify my wallowing in pity and that is just one way it would have manifested itself. Forgiveness has given us a freedom to define ourselves and find new joys and happiness in life, rather than letting our hurt be the focus of all our days. We have certainly never forgotten what happened to us or to Teagan or to Peggy, nor have we ever given Cindy and excuse for her actions that day. But that one day has not been the central focus of our lives since then. It has affected us and will forever affect us- but it doesn't define us. I don't think that people see us out and about in our daily lives and think to themselves, "oh, those sad, heartbroken people are the family from that Old Depot tragedy". No, I think that thankfully and to God be all the credit, that most of the time people would be hard-pressed to look at us and see the hurt and things we have lived through. Most of the time we 'look pretty normal'. =) And I say that meaning we are just as crazy as the next family of 6 kids eating out or going to church, as you see in the picture above. We yell at our kids to hurry up and pick up and get to bed and be nice to each other, yes. We also laugh together and celebrate Coke Float Day together and we take pictures of blowing bubbles and eating cake and we go to the circus and we bring Wyndham to and from countless therapy appointments and to doctor visits and we watch SpongeBob together and we eat pizza and we go to the library and we dress up and hug each other and joke together and sing and we have dreams for the future too. We LIVE! We live beyond the walls of our home. We live with the windows open and the light shines in and we breathe fresh air and we dance in the rain from time to time too.

Forgiveness has enlarged our lives. It has made me want to see beauty in life again. It has given us Hope for the future. It has shown us how lucky we are in spite of everything. It has made a way for us to live through our hurts and beyond them too. I do not take credit for the ability to forgive. It comes only through the Him who has forgiven me. He has first given me life, and through His life I have been made free. Forgiveness has never been about Chip or me or our ability to say "we forgive you" to Cindy. But it has been about realizing what Christ did for us, recognizing that we did nothing to earn His love and forgiveness, and out of that we have accepted that we now have the ability and the command from Him to love others as we have been loved.

When you truly understand that forgiveness comes from Him and it is a free gift- sharing it with others is actually an easy decision. It's not easy to do. But it is the obvious and right thing to do. In the end, it changes everything. It changes everything for the better.

{If you would like to watch Oprah's Lifeclass: The Power of Forgiveness you may click here to watch the webcast.}

I'm not sure why I am sharing this letter to me with all of you...

I've been reading through a list of daily prompts that I received in my inbox and decided to jump in and actually do one of them today. The prompts are part of the Health Writer's Activists Month via this site- wegohealth.com. I'm not even sure how I got on their email list, but the daily prompts have been interesting and I would like to even go back and catch up and blog about more of them if I can get time and energy to do so. They are good starting points or just fun/interesting topics. So hopefully I'll play along besides just this one for today.
Today's prompt is to write a letter to your 16-year old self. The prompt can be interpreted however you like and used to jumpstart a post. My first thought wasn't to sit down and write myself a letter, but instead I wanted to find a picture of my 16-year old self. You know what? I don't really have that many pictures of me from junior high or high school. Or of my four years in college either. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that I didn't have a camera around very often, or loaded with film when I did have access to a camera. Things have changed with the digital age and the ease and storage space for taking lots of pictures. Secondly, I didn't really like myself very much for most of those years of my life. I hated my height, my weight, my hair and it all added up to not having many photos of myself as a result.
The picture above is of me and my mini poodle, Beau {he was such a great pup!}. I think I was about to start 10th grade when this picture was taken. I was living in the church parsonage- which is the home the church provides for the pastor's family to live in- right next door to the church. It was a beautiful piece of property where we enjoyed living on a small piece of lakefront and we were right in the metro area of the Twin Cities. I was happy living at this house and surrounded by a loving family and two golden retrievers and a poodle. I pretty much had life made.
But if I were to write myself a letter it would go like this:

Dear Jody,
You have no idea what a lucky teen girl you are to have the life you are living right now. You may not have a big, sprawling home and access to world travel or the latest designer clothes or nicest car, but you are a very fortunate young lady to have things far more important and much more difficult to attain. You, by no choice of your own, have all the love, security, support, guidance and access to great education and the ability to grow and learn in a safe environment. These are things many teens only dream of having in their life. You have them all.
Yet, in spite of all these excellent things, you carry a heaviness or burden inside. I wish you knew that the things the media portrays and the things that kids at school talk about and the things that society seems to think are important and worth striving for and selling yourself short for are so not worth your time, effort or energy. Things like the way you look, and how you style your hair and what kind of jeans you own really don't matter all that much. If you are taking care of your body and making good choices about how you spend your time and money- those things will bring far greater rewards or hurts in the long run.
My dear, I know you aren't into sports. But that doesn't mean you're fat. It doesn't mean you can't go on long walks or bike rides and guess what? You go swimming almost every day in the summer- so you ARE good at a sport! You just don't play on a team right now. But being on a team isn't everything. You were great and had so much fun playing soccer and girls softball. You were even a pratty fast runner in elementary school. I just wish you realized that playing on a team is supposed to be about having fun and making friends and learning about sportsmanship and how games work. It doesn't mean you have to be the best or fastest or never lose. I wish you could just enjoy playing instead of feeling like you're no good and then believing it is just easier not to try. Trying means you care. Somewhere along the line you started to not care.
You have so much to offer in other realms too. Your passion for writing and journaling and poetry is something a lot of kids don't have. You should love that about yourself and push yourself to do it more. In college you will feel like everyone else is better at writing and speaking and once again, sports and even music too. You will let your judgement of others cast a darkness on the dreams in your heart and little by little the things you really love and want to do will feel like a chore. That professor who makes you feel inept and small for sharing your thoughts and ideas is just one person. And just because she is the professional and gives you bad grades doesn't mean you have to throw away your dream and love of writing and language and stories. It means you need to keep doing what you do and learn and grow and take one person's critique and grades as they are- ONE person's. If you could simply step back and see that a few grades don't have to change your plans for your future you would find your path to happiness and the things your hearts wants to pursue much easier and smoother as a result.
Sadly, you will instead choose to let your light and passion dim in some of the areas of your life that you were just starting to shine in. But you know what? The good news is that life has a way of twisting and turning and if you could just roll with that a bit more you would find that often times there are wonderful surprises you would have missed along the way. This is certainly going to be true for you in your future more times than you would believe as a teen. If I could tell you to hold on- it's going to be a bumpy ride- it would be an understatement. But if I could also tell you that there will be a wealth of loving and learning and that the tears you shed along the way are sowing something into you that you never could have found anywhere else along the way, I would hope you would find the strength to keep fighting hard to find joy and happiness.
Oh dear young self....
If you saw a picture of your life now- 20 years into your future, you wouldn't believe you could get through what you will endure. But I want you to know that you will. You won't just get through them and survive, but you will shine. You. Yes, you! The girl who doesn't like herself when she looks in the mirror. The girl who thinks everyone else is smarter and skinnier and faster and prettier and sings better and writes better and paints better and all the other things you feel inferior for- you will shine in your own way. Maybe not in the way you would choose. Maybe you don't even see it yet. But you're doing it. You're a fighter. You've got a heart that really wants to do the right thing. You're sensitive and caring- even though you put up a wall and try to keep people out of that part of you. You don't have to pretend to be something you're not.
Remember what I said in the beginning of this note? You are living and filling your heart with a wealth and riches that many only dream of in this life. I want you to soak up the love of God and your family and the small group of friends that you trust and believe in the knowledge and learning you are storing up in your heart and mind and know that one day all the love and security and support you have now will be multiplied and that will be enough to see you through life's biggest storms.
You're just a kid. I don't even want to tell you this, but maybe it will help you down the road. The fact is you have no idea because of the sheltered, wonderful life of ease you have only known til now will one day be shattered. Life is going to throw you a big curve ball. Everything you believe will be tested. You will wonder and ask yourself what and why and how come and for how long and you may wonder if the pain and hurt will ever end. I'm sorry to tell you that there is coming a day when one of your favorite people in all the world will lie lifeless in your arms. It will be so astounding and surreal that it will seem like a nightmare over and over again. But it's real.
I wish I could tell you to hold her in your arms and take that reality in. For it will seem so unreal. I wish that you knew to cut a lock of her hair and to take a photo of her pinky finger in yours as you promise to love her forever one last time. I wish upon wishes that this part wasn't going to be the storyline of your life. But it is what it is and only God knows why.
You don't need to know why though, and that is the very thing that will free you from living the rest of your life in pain and unforgiveness. You will want to sit in that sorrow and hurt and ask the hard questions over and over. As you begin to let go of the need to know why, therein will you find the 'new pathway' to life again. Not a new life free from hurt or sorrow- for you will forever be changed and carry her love and your grief with you. But you will be free to embrace happiness in a new and profound way. It won't be tied to the things it once was- death and sorrow will actually give you "new eyes" from which you will see things through.
So, young self, there are some things that are important to take note of. Never stop being grateful for the things which you have been given- the people and comforts and education and protection are rare gifts. Appreciate them always. Be thankful that you were spared a life of hardhsips early one. Those dreams that you have- the things you love to do and make you laugh and cry and that bring out the best in you- live for them. Do things that help make them possible. Don't let your own fears hold you back from finding your dreams. They are out there and worth going through challenges and falling down for. You will know something is worth pursuing when it brings out the best in you. God has made you for something that only YOU can be/do. Seek Him and you will find what it is that He made you for. Take more photos. Even the ones when you don't think you look your best. Take photos of the days you ask questions and wonder and take lots of pictures of the people around you. They won't always be with you.
Lastly, never let anything- no matter how big or how small or how hurtful or how intimidating- never let it keep you from being you. Because that you that you are on the inside? That's what makes you shine.
Love,
A wiser, more mature, but still very much learning and growing still Me

He adds joy to my life...

Happy, happy birthday to my husband, Chip today.
I was lucky enough to go the circus with my family and parents yesterday afternoon, and double-lucky to have my parents watch my kids while Chip and I took in a show downtown Minneapolis. We got last-minute free tickets from some friends and enjoyed an unexpected, fun night out celebrating Chip's birthday together.
I won't go into details about how crazy my day went as I loaded my kids and took them across the Twin Cities for the day, but I will tell you it ended much nicer than it began. For that I am thankful and it just seems so fitting for how things go for us more often than not. I was reminded several times throughout the weekend of how much I need the supportive people in my life and how thankful I am that they stick with me and cheer me on at 'crunch time'.
Chip is the biggest cheerleader in my life and I don't give him a whole lot of credit on my here. So on his birthday today- even though it's April Fool's and a lot of people would like to use the day to pull a prank, I am using this space and time to tell you a few things about this great guy that I am happy to call my husband and friend.
When Chip and I met I was finishing my senior year of college and focusing on all the freedom I was about to have as soon as classes were wrapped up. I didn't have strong leads on where or what I was going to do, but I was in a very content place in my heart and looking forward to seeing what jobs God might bring my way. I had no plans for a guy to walk into my life and was happy being single and independent. But this Chip guy that I worked with just happened to ask me out to a movie and dinner at the Mall of America one night; I just happened to say "yes". I figured it would be a good time to just go out and have a fun together and see a movie. I had no plans or intentions for anything beyond just a fun time out with a guy from work.
Obviously the story wasn't that short and sweet. I didn't expect Chip to be so funny or a great conversationalist. Our work together at a restaurant didn't really allow for us to talk much beyond "shop talk", so I didn't know much about him or what he was like as a person. I knew he had a great work ethic...and a charming personality, because he was always making better tips than me! After just one dinner at Planet Hollywood and seeing the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire", I started looking at him differently. And by differently, I mean I was interested in him. He was suddenly more than "just a guy I work with". He fast became "a guy who makes me laugh, makes me think, makes me like myself more when I'm around him, and makes me want to know more about him" kind of guy.
After just 5 months of dating, when Chip asked me to marry him I was so sure of my "yes". He is the kind of guy that I knew I could be lifelong friends with and I just knew in my heart that there was something dynamic about him that I wanted to be a part of for the rest of my life. Ask any of his friends and I just know they would tell you that it's true. He's got a knack for being likable and charming and he knows how to make people feel good and want to do good. I love that about him.
I could type a list of things he does to push my buttons and a list of things I do to push his. I'm not saying we're perfect and without issues. But more than that and honestly, more important than that is the fact that I know he loves me for my good qualities and he accepts my faults too. He is there to help me change some things and I am thankful we have learned to love in spite of the stuff that comes up in our lives that's not always so fun and exciting. His best qualities are his heart, his pursuit of what is right- his integrity, and his ability to keep pushing through the tough stuff because he truly believes that something better awaits.
He has added joy to my life in more ways than I can count. He has strong arms that hold me up, keep us together at times, and his hugs make me feel like everything is okay in my world- no matter what. He has a way of making me laugh when I sometimes think it's impossible to do so. He has a way of lighting up a room and you can't help but want to be around him. It's true. My kids still race to the door and fight for his attention when he comes home from his work at the course. He is a giver and today of all days I just wanted to let him {and you} know that he's one-of-a-kind. I am thankful that our lives have had years of growing together and intertwining of stories through the years. I hope we get many more too! Happy birthday, dear Chip. I love you.

I will want these moments back.

At the risk of someone thinking all I do is dwell on the loss of my daughter, Teagan, I am writing this post. It has been on my heart and mind for several days now. I may have written about similar thoughts and feelings already, but if I have it was several years ago and well, these feelings have just been rushing over me so much that I need to just write them down and this is the place I go to do that sort of thing.

The reason I even preface and start this post the way I have is that I feel like more than ever my blog is sort of a personal challenge to me right now. What started out as me sharing stories and pictures and updates and just snapshots of our life for my family and friends to keep up on turned into something very different over the years I have been blogging. I went through a long stretch where it was easy for me to post and write and my "stories" were fresh and new all the time. Then there was my time in scrapbooking and all that played a big part in my blog too. I was meeting new people and was on a "creative personal high" and just very involved with a lot of online events.

Then I had two more babies. On top of my already busy life. And they were and truly are special little guys. But they are boys. And they are demanding. And messy. And a lot to try to keep up with- in addition to 3 other sisters, a brother and a dad who has a busy life all his own. Life just went from being a mix of reflections and lessons learned from my past and some creative stuff thrown in there with the busy-ness of having kids and feeling like life just started piling up. I felt like I had nothing new or fun or interesting or important or even just "ordinary enough" for me to post. I struggled with some of the comments that were said at times too... even one that implied I use my blog and death of Teagan for some sort of celebrity status. Granted, that was a long way back, but still I get comments at times that make me wonder why I should be so vulnerable and transparent and open. It {my blogging} certainly IS for me. But I share in large part and in no way to gain 'celebrity'. Whatever that means anyway. I would be a nobody for the rest of my life if it meant I could have my life back the way I wanted it again.

So I have gone over and over in my head and have had many blogposts in my heart and head to share the past few months. But I have struggled with never knowing who is going to read it...and how my words will hit you. Lately though I have been affirmed more than ever to share my stories and to "write for me and my family" and the record that a blog and pictures can be down the road. I have felt overwhelmingly challenged to 'not care' what anyone will think when I do write or when I share from my heart. If it comes from my heart than that's just me being me. However, the truth is I will ALWAYS care about who is reading and how you take my words to heart. A part of me was just made to care about people. My heart cares because I love and serve and believe in a God who cares. More than I ever could. So while I am not easily offended, I care a whole lot about you and what brings you to this place from time to time. I pray for you and if there is ever anything that I write that somehow touches you or moves you to live differently, love differently or just want to know more, well then I feel like no matter what I write or why, it makes it worthwhile. And that has nothing to do with me...but everything to do with God.

Now that I have written all that down I feel like I should hit "publish post" right now. But I haven't even written down the thoughts I first intended to share.

This is what I planned to write when I first sat down at my keyboard. Titled, "I will want these moments back."

I have had a mix of really good and really not-so-hot days the past few months. Let me be honest with you. Moving and resettling is HARD! As much as we love the house we are renting at this time- it's not "home". As many new friends as we have been making and feeling so encouraged and supported by- we still miss our "old friends". As much as we feel like this was the very thing {moving to MN} for our family to do in life right now- we have had to adjust and learn and start a lot of things over. And all that just adds to the craziness of our usual lives.

Much of all the moving and trying to settle in, coupled with the recent birthday we had without Teagan here to celebrate, all played a role in the thoughts swirling in my head at different times recently.

Chip and I have shared conversations in the past about what we would do, or how much we would be willing to pay, or what would it be like to get Teagan back for just one day? What about for one hour? I think we agreed that there would be no price we wouldn't pay. It is that very thought- that I would be willing to do or pay just about anything for one day back in time with her again that this post spills from. It was the tears that kept pouring from my eyes as I wept and found myself almost unable to breathe when I sat down to fold a basket of laundry one day after her loss was starting to sink in and become my 'new reality'. As I fell to my knees weeping and aching in a place I had never felt before, therein was the clarity of what had happened. Our little Teagan was gone. All I wanted at that moment was to fold her days of the week underwear one more time. But they weren't among the whites to be folded now.

All I wanted was what I had just had. All I wanted I had just lived through and sometimes had even grumbled about; all I wanted was what I had all too often wished was different in my life.

I had it now.

A quiet, clean house.

And my heart had never hurt more than it did at that time.

* * *

I took Brock out for breakfast not long ago. He was on Spring Break and our family doesn't go anywhere for such a break for lots of reasons, but that's another post. =) So this little coffee outing was a simple treat for him. And for me. I think it turned out to be more for me. Because as I turned the key in my van and looked over at his smiling face as we headed out on our short little morning together it was as though I was living a moment in my past. Our past.

I literally felt as though I was a 'future me' and he was a 'future him', and instead of me being older and more wrinkled and an older version of me and him being an older, more handsome version of him, we were both 'us' now.

I don't know if as I type that out it even translates through the screen or implies the meaning I am trying to convey. But it was so real to me. It was a sacred gift at that time. There was no loud 'boom' or shining light. The earth didn't shake, but it was unmistakable to me and since then I have had more moments like that one. Our whole breakfast together that morning felt like it was on another "plane". Brock loved his campfire s'mores latte, but didn't really care for the texture of his berry oatmeal that day. We came home to a house full of activity and a husband/dad who had to run out the door to go to work and I had diapers to change and lots of motherly chores to do for many more hours. But I was so thankful for the gift of what was sort of a "flashback in time"- even though it was happening in the here and now.

It happened at the end of a long day for me earlier this week. It was one of those days where there were too many of us who started out our day waking up on the wrong side of the bed and we just couldn't seem to turn the momentum back around no matter how hard we tried. By 8pm that night I had yelled far too many times, not hugged enough times, told my inner self that I was worthless for even caring or trying, and I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. As I flopped down into the glider chair to rock Teague to sleep I looked down at him and kissed him and as the warmth of his cheek touched mine I realized that even this day I would want back. Someday.

You don't have to suffer great loss or tragedy or death to learn this life lesson. Each of us experiences life and it fades and is gone. One moment at a time. The present becomes a distant memory as quickly as we live it. None of us can get back a single moment in time. So my challenge to me {and to you if you choose to take it upon yourself} is to soak in some of the moments that you live in the 'now' as if they are gifts to you from the future.

I'll put it another way.

No matter what you are going through in life, there are parts of it that you will wish you could have back sometime. Whether it is a job or friends or your health; whether it is youth on your side or young kids underfoot or piles of laundry that never seem to end; whether it is the ability to be intimate with your mate or go for morning coffee with your teen or paint a picture or ride a bike. Someday one or two or all of the things you love about your life right now might not be an option. Or might simply have grown and changed or even moved away.

So to recognize that it might be the very thing you are dreading or seems to be wearing you out right now {newborn baby or long hours at your job or that professor that talks on about nothing for the whole class! or any other thing} that you will someday look back on and realize it was a really great thing to just "be" in that place and time.

I vacuumed around a bunch of rainbow-colored toys on the floor yesterday. Instead of sighing that I had to clean and that I had toys to pick up {again!} I sighed because they were my reality. I sighed, thankful that even though my life has challenges and imperfections and things I wish I could change or do over I am grateful that I "get it". Right now.

I am overwhelmed that life taught me this lesson the hard way. But I am grateful to be able to share what my heart has learned in any way I can. Which is one reason why I blog. I may not have anything too important to share nor can I compete with the creativity and inspiration all over the web these days by people prettier and more capable and more educated and more lots of other things. But I am still passionate. I am sure of many things. Today I just wanted to share with anyone that hasn't learned it yet, one day you will want this day back. Embrace it as tight as you can...or let it go if it is holding you back. That's my nitty.gritty. heart for everyone today.

It is well with my soul.

Today marks what would be Teagan's 15th birthday if she were still here with us. It's a strange and wonderful thing to have this type of day in my life. One that, even now celebrating 11 birthdays without her, doesn't really come any easier and can't fully be put into words what my heart feels.
I do feel so honored and privileged and humbled and grateful and blessed that God chose me to be her mom- knowing full well that the number of her days would be less than 4 and a half years. Knowing full well that I had hardened my heart toward having any kids at all- yet He chose to send Teagan into my life and change me forever. She was my gift. My gift of being released from a life that was becoming more and more selfish and looking for fulfillment in things of this world- rather than finding it in the one true source in God. She was my gift of coming to understand that joy was in not in obtaining things, but in giving and receiving love. Teagan made me want to be better in all areas of my life. She made me slow down, reprioritize, simplify, notice the details, celebrate the ordinary, rejoice in the little things and she taught me that you can dance even when there's no music playing at all.
She loved life. It sounds cliche, I know, but in her short number of years she soaked so much in, gave so much to others and really lived her life to the fullest. She filled my heart and life in a way I never dreamed a child could do. Even as demanding as she was and the fact that she had more energy than I could keep up with sometimes, I know she was placed in my life to help refine parts of me that needed refining and to open my eyes to ways of seeing that I would have been closed to had it not been for her.
I spent my entire pregnancy with Teagan dreading the changes this baby would require of me once she arrived. Chip and I didn't know if we were having a baby boy or a baby girl. When we had the chance to find out I was still so upset to even be pregnant that I didn't care to find out. That's how hard my heart was toward having a baby.{I, of course, regret the way I felt back then. Especially so when she was literally in my life one moment, and gone the next.} But in His higher ways, and because God knows what is better for us than we know ourselves- out of His incredible mercy to not let me waste my life on things with little or no eternal meaning, God reached out to me and literally placed Teagan in my lap on the morning of March 18th, 1997.
"It's a girl!" my doctor said with a beaming grin on his face. It was as though she was the first baby girl he had helped bring into this world. Or maybe it just seemed that way to me because she was my baby girl. My first, my perfect, my tiny, the most beautiful creature I had ever seen...and she was mine. A big tear rolled down my cheek and my eyes blurred as I tried to grasp the reality that this tiny, perfect baby girl was mine. Forever. The love I felt as she was handed to me all swaddled and wet was something I can still feel, as clear as the moment it washed over me.
On this day, year after year after year, no matter that she's gone, I still feel it in my heart. It's like a piece of pure joy. Only now, my arms don't hug her. Her laughter doesn't ring in my ears. Her smile doesn't light up a room. Her tiny pinky doesn't wrap around mine the way we used to promise to love each other forever. Her birthday comes...and goes without her. But not without a certain peace that I know God continues to pour out into my heart even though she's gone. I miss her. I wish she were here. I cannot begin to comprehend the splendor that surrounds her in Heaven everyday. I ache from knowing I will never hug or see her on earth again. Yet I am filled with a deep comfort and peace for I know that our hearts are in the very same place.
That is a gift of grace that I thank God for whenever the sadness threatens to consume me. I rejoice knowing that I will see her again one day because God's promises are true. I wish her story- my story- our story had a different ending for her than the mere 4 birthdays we had with her. But I can tell you in all honesty and sincerity that I truly believe and accept the short time I had with her was a gift to change me. In more ways than I think I can ever fully know. Today I mark another birthday without Teagan. Sure there is sorrow; sure there is an emptiness that I can't express, but more importantly I have come to see how she was, is still, and always will be mine. It is well with my soul. And oh what peace floods my soul as I think back on who she was, who God is and what awaits us all in Heaven. Someday!
Happy Birthday in Heaven, to a special little girl. I can't imagine her at 15, and I am just as happy to think of her as 4. Forever.