The wishing.

I don't know if I become more keenly aware of the brilliance of the changing colors of the leaves each year, or if at their peek my emotions are simply touched in new ways, but it always hits me at least once. This year is no exception. Some of the reds seem a deeper red. Some of the oranges and yellows are so vivid they seem to make the trees appear lit up. Despite the cold and the wet weather we have been having for several days, the leaves are still turning colors and the changing season is in full swing. That, coupled with the recent death of little Jaymun and the daily growth and changes we see in our little Crew from day to day, makes me pause and think and wonder and ponder. All over again.
I pulled out a couple of photos of Teagan and Brock and remembered the time I shared with them at this time of year. Fall can be such a fun time of the year- especially if the weather stays just warm enough to enjoy long afternoons outside. There's something so wonderful about the fresh air and crisp leaves and the reality that living in Michigan means the snow could start to fall at anytime, so you need to take advantage of being outside without being bundled up as much as you can. =) I recall those afternoons outside with Teagan and Brock so clearly. We would go next door and rake a couple of bags of leaves (after asking permission to rake and take their leaves!) and then bring them home to our front lawn and dump them out and jump in them. The leaves would spread wider and wider and Teagan would ask for the rake and I'm sure she would have even skipped dinner to stay outdoors and jump and play awhile longer. We moved from this home across town after the snow fell and as I looked at these pictures I realized Teagan never got to jump in the leaves at our "new" house.
I never would have imagined as I took this picture that this would be the last time I would capture Teagan on film playing in the leaves. I know I have looked at these pictures and wished for these moments back again. It happens every year. If you want to know the truth, it can happen anytime. It often does. Ask any parent who has lost a child and they will likely say the same thing I am writing here today. The "wishing" never ends.
There are moments I wish I had back. Moments I wish I could re-live. There are moments I wish I could do over. There are moments I wish I could freeze and never let them go. It's a part of grief that just is. The wishing. It never ends. A part of my heart will always be reserved for "wishing", however the other part of my heart knows there's something so intense and incredible about the "here". The now is to not be taken lightly, although I somehow lose sight of this fact all too often.

Yesterday as I reflected and rediscovered the brilliance of the changing colors of fall, I also was 'present enough' to grab the camera and capture the now. Crew is walking and becoming a little boy before my eyes. He is changing almost everyday! The other 4 kids are so full of energy too, but happen to be away at school and therapy more than he does, thus he gets in the pictures more often. But I still want to take note of these moments. I certainly could wish back a lot of moments from the past. The truth is I could very easily allow myself to get stuck in the wishing and wanting them back. I have found that when the "wishing" hits me, it can serve as a reminder to open my eyes to today. To the very moments I have right now.

There's something so amazing about giving my child a hug while thinking, "this feels so great and is truly a gift and someday I will wish for this moment back", as it happens. Or watching Crew take his wobbly steps and noticing the next day he has gotten faster and sturdier overnight and right then I know that I have been witness to yet another moment of wishing.

The changing colors of the season do make me miss Teagan so much and wish for a part of my simple life back. But it also colors my life in a way that helps me take on a new focus- one that sharpens the present and makes me feel very grateful for what I hold in my hands today.

The wishing.

Heartache and Joy.

Their story has touched me since we first swapped emails a few years ago. I have invited you, my friends, to pray several times for Jaymun and his family. Today Jaymun is healed and in Heaven. But his family will need our prayers more than ever.
I invite you to pray and sign his guest book if you are so inclined. My heart aches for them and rejoices at the same time. They will see Jaymun again. But in the meantime, their journey is far from over. Thanks for caring. And praying. I know they appreciate it.

Nearing 1000.

I actually made something crafty today. And played around with a new banner to wish you all a Happy Autumn. The sun is out and it's {finally!} the kind of fall day I really like- crisp and relaxing.

Are you ready for some fun around here this week? This is post #997, so I was thinking that since it's so close to 1000, I should have a little giveaway. Just leave your name and either how you know me or where you live (city/state or town/country). I'll get some goodies together and then have a drawing. I might even pick 2 winners. Who knows. =)

But I promise it will be fun. And for those of you who like Starbuck's I have a hunch there may be a giftcard involved. So say hello here and cross your fingers that your number will be picked in the next few days!

Some great suggestions...

This morning as I turned to the October 9th reading in the book Simple Abundance- A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach it was such a great list full of good ideas to strive for in regards to coping with stress. Maybe some of the things on this list are things that you need to work on, refine, and implement in your life too. I know I'm not perfect and unless you are, there is sure to be something to strike a chord with you too. Enjoy these suggestions and good luck as you seek to become more of who you are meant be today.
Oct. 9- Coping with Stress
Is there a woman alive who doesn't suffer from stress? If there is, seek her out, ask her to share her wisdom. When you find her, I'd be willing to bet she'll offer the following suggestions:
Cultivate gratitude.
Carve out an hour a day for solitude.
Begin and end the day with prayer, meditation, reflection.
Keep it simple.
Keep your house picked up.
Don't overschedule.
Strive for realistic deadlines.
Never make a promise you can't keep.
Allow an extra half hour for everything you do.
Create quiet surroundings at home and at work.
Go to bed at nine o'clock twice a week.
Always carry around something interesting to read.
Breathe- deeply and often.
Move- walk, dance, run; find a sport you enjoy.
Drink pure spring water. Lots of it.
Eat only when hungry.
If it's not delicious, don't eat it.
Be instead of do.
Set aside one day a week for rest and renewal.
Laugh more often.
Luxuriate in your senses.
Always opt for comfort.
If you don't love it, live without it.
Let Mother Nature nuture.
Don't answer the telephone during dinner.
Stop trying to please everybody.
Start pleasing yourself.
Stay away from negative people.
Don't squander precious resources: time, creative energy, emotion.
Nuture friendships.
Don't be afraid of your passion.
Approach problems as challenges.
Honor your aspirations.
Set achievable goals.
Surrender expectations.
Savor beauty.
Create boundaries.
For every "yes", let there be a "no".
Don't worry; be happy.
Remember, happiness is a living emotion.
Exchange security for serenity.
Care for your soul.
Cherish your dreams.
Express love every day.
Search for your authentic self until you find her.

While I don't agree with every single thing on this list, nor does it seem possible to put them all into practice in my life, I think there are some worthy goals and great suggestions on it. Seeking ways to be better is one step toward actually getting there; actually doing something is the next step!

Seasonal inspiration.

I have seen these velvet pumpkins on several different sites/blogs in the past week (photo credit to Indie Rocket here). Since they are so pretty and unique and making me wish I had some or could make some of my own, I thought I'd post them here too. I love that the colors are so non-traditional- no golds or oranges to be seen, and yet they somehow say autumn in a really big way.
Besides velvet pumpkins, I also have this thought on my mind today- one I heard on the radio and have no idea who to loosely quote or attribute credit to, but I'll share it nonetheless. The thought is this:
When you suddenly find that your world is upside-down, maybe it's not really upside-down at all, but in fact, right-side up. It may be that you need a change in perspective!
Isn't that a neat way to put it?! I know I have been there too many times in my life to count anymore- living at times as though the world is against me and feeling desparate to try to gain the upperhand or take back control and "flip" things back the way I want them to be. I know how life can turn so suddenly and leave me feeling helpless and scared and frustrated and depressed, even. I have to remind myself that just because something doesn't feel right or line up with the way I would choose things to go in life, means that I'm on the wrong path. It means I need to refocus. Or reallign myself with the way God is leading and directing in my life.
It's so hard to try to live in the moment and yet "see the bigger picture" at the same time, isn't it? That's what I feel like I am struggling with most in my life/heart right now. No, life isn't upside-down for us at this time, but I sometimes need to be prepared for what lies ahead. Perspective, can indeed, change everything!

Exciting stuff. =)

This is the sort of stuff going on in our lives and home right now. Ava learned how to make her own toast. Crew wishes he could. =) He took the top tray off his booster seat and put it on his head the other day. He had no clue there were noodles on his head. He just sat there smiling and making faces at us as we laughed and called him silly names like "Mr. Macaroni" and "Cheesehead". He walked about 4 or 5 steps from chair to couch this morning. It's exciting around here, I tell ya! Even if it does involve falling down or making a mess in the process. It's all part of an exciting life!

Going bananas. =)

Every time I go to the grocery store I have bananas on my shopping list. We eat a lot of them around here. Crew loves them now that he can eat small bites with his own little hands. The rest of us like them sliced on top of peanut butter toast, or on ice cream drizzled with chocolate and caramel, or even blended with yogurt and orange juice for a healthy smoothie. We like them lots of ways.
I'm thinking the next time I buy a fresh bunch of bananas I will turn them into choco-banana-pops like the picture you see here. (Find the recipe here.) Yum!
I'm also in the mood for French Toast after I saw this recipe from Bobby Flay- Peanut Butter and Banana Stuffed French Toast. Definitely worth trying!
If you've got a favorite recipe using bananas or something handmade/cute with monkeys on it, let me know. I'm in the mood for fun and goodness! Thanks!

Catching up and planning ahead.

Helloooooooooo... are you still there? Oh! Hi Mom. =)

Our days continue to just run from one to the next with a string of ordinary stuff to tie them all together. I don't quite have a routine established or predictable schedule, but I guess that's what keeps this mom on her toes. No day is the same as the one before, but not all that different at the same time. Funny how that works; it's the season of our lives right now!

I looked back and realized I never posted photos of Wyndham and Ava's first day of school. They are in the same kindergarten class this year and it is going very well. They both love their teacher and helpers and have activities that keep them learning and busy Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Wyndham comes home wiped out and ready to veg out in her room with a few videos. I snapped that picture of her in her room yesterday afternoon. Ava needs a nap, but fights it and somehow manages to get through the day without one. Crew continues to creep along furniture and take a couple of steps on his own as well. He still LOVES to climb the stairs and did that about 6 times yesterday. I am anxious for him to learn how to get down too. It will make my stress levels drop in half, I'm sure of that!

Bella is loving school and reading is one of her favorite subjects. She is enjoying reading to Ava and Wyndham at bedtime each night and in turn it's something the kids all have fun doing together.

Do you need some color in your life right now? If so, Ava and I spotted this cake and recipe online this morning and she has decided that she wants this cake on her next birthday. Which is in March- five and a half months away. Nothing like planning ahead, right?! I think we may have to make this cake before then too.

That sums things up around here for today anyway. We're definitely feeling the effects of fall around here as we awoke to cool temperatures- in the low 30's this morning! It's time to pull out the pumpkin recipes and electric blanket too. Some of my favorite things in life. Not much changes afterall...we like the simple things around here!

Same ol'... same ol'

Do you ever feel as though you are just coasting through life and the days sort of just blur together? That's how I feel right now. Actually for several weeks now. Not that it's a 'bad blur', but it just seems as though I find myself doing and saying the same things over and over. Whether it's bread-baking or bed-making or picture-taking, it all seems to just repeat itself from week to week.
That's probably part of the reason I don't blog all that often. I don't want to bore you all with the repetition- the same ol' stories and details and random thoughts I drum up. I have had some of you write me and say you don't care what I post- you simply enjoy new posts. Thanks for the encouragement. If you have something you'd like to hear or see here, let me know. I'm always willing to share my heart/mind on new topics.
This weekend I will be sharing part of my story- especially in regards to forgiveness- at a local church's women's event. I know it is fresh and new to those who have never met me. I hope that God continues to receive glory from my life. No matter how exciting my days may or may not be.
With that, I am off to do 3 loads of laundry today among other things. I also am looking for a fun/tasty/simple applecupcake recipe. If you've got one, feel free to share! Happy Thursday! =)

Simple and sweet.

The birthday boy and everyone else is asleep in their beds for the night. Today we celebrated Crew turning 1 and it was a low-key, mostly mellow day. Just enough fun and excitement so that everyone knew there was something special and different about the day, but simple enough that so Crew could enjoy it.

First off, Chip was up and gone early and ran his first half-marathon. He finished in 2 hours and 8 minutes and was very happy with that time. We didn't see his race, but we're proud of him and were glad to have him home for most of the rest of the day.

One of the hardest parts of throwing a birthday party for a one-year old- the youngest of 6 kids- is that he really didn't need any new 'stuff'. However, one of his gifts was a waffle maker that makes farm-shaped waffles and it was a big hit with Crew and all the other kids too. Our waffle maker recently quit working after 14 years and after our recent trip to the local dairy farm this just seemed fun and fitting. Crew loves waffles. Even better than that was the fun he had climbing on and over the box. Isn't that how it always is with little kids! They love the box 10 times more than what's in it! =)

Later on I made Crew a birthday hat and as you can see from these photos, he didn't like it as much as I had hoped he would. In one of the pictures I think he is saying, "It's my birthday... get this thing off od me right now!"

I also had plans for some cute letters spelling out his name for the cake, but when this Elmo card came in the mail from Grandma and Grandpa, well, it just seemed suited to be used as a cake topper. Crew was thrilled with the cake- even though you can't sense his excitement from these pictures. He's had a thing for Reddi-wip since he was about 6 months old and had his first squirt straight out of the can. His eyes lit up as he watched us top his cake with whipped cream and then we let him sit and eat right off the cake for several bites after he (we) blew the candle out. He seemed very surprised that we would let him eat off the big plate. I was surprised at how little mess he made. He was very good about licking his fingers clean. =)

It's been a wonderful and challenging pleasure to have Crew join our family this past year. He has found a special place in all of our hearts.

I found myself thinking at different times during the day that at some point these moments that we shared and savored and enjoyed together will be moments I will recall in the future and I'll wish I could have them back. It's a good day- birthday or not- to realize what a gift the here and now truly is. It may not have been perfect or filled with lots of fanfare, but it was simple, sweet and a day to be treasured for years to come.

Happy Birthday, dear Crew. We're so glad that we have you in our lives to celebrate... today and always!

A quick game of peek-a-boo.

Crew initiated this round of peek-a-boo. Gotta love when a game doesn't leave small pieces lying all over the house. Bonus when the game is played next to a window with lots of natural light streaming in.

Guess who's running a 1/2 marathon tomorrow?

Some of you are probably as surprised and amazed at this as I am. I'm proud of his ongoing effort and committment to health and fitness and even to pushing himself out of his comfort zone. Now, if only a little bit of that could rub off on me!
Join me in wishing Chip good luck tomorrow morning. He'll definitely have earned a piece of cake when we celebrate Crew's birthday later on in the day. It's gonna be a small piece, I bet. Good luck, Chip!

Guess who has a birthday at the end of this week?

How did that happen so fast?! I see cake and frosting in Crew's future. =)

Polling the audience.

I don't know what to tell you about my sparse posting here on my blog except that Crew never stops finding new things to dump out, tear apart, climb up onto, open up, toss down the stairs, chew on, unroll, unwrap, bang together, and more. He's a whirlwind from morning til night.

So that's my excuse for not blogging. I don't blame you for not reading. =)

Today I'm asking your opinion, if you're so inclined to leave a comment. It's an easy multiple choice answer. I colored my hair (twice) and cut it myself yesterday. Yes. I have issues. The question I pose to you is this-

Does that make me:

a) desperate

b) cheap

c) crazy

or

d) all of the above.

I'll still like you no matter how you answer the question. I also might just blog a couple of more times before this week is over too. If Crew allows it, that is.

Squeezing in some fun.

We finally enjoyed a nice little stretch of summer weather. Just before it was time to head back to school for another year. The kids were happy when I dragged a mattress out to our driveway one sunny afternoon and let them jump and play as long as they wanted. I don't know what my neighbors thought, but at this point in the summer it was simply all about fun!

We had an afternoon at Lake Michigan's beach... the water was cold, but the sand was perfect. Ava was proud that she turned her own self into a mermaid. =) I was happy that Crew only ate two big mouthfuls of sand while we were there. We grabbed ice cream and playtime at the Whippi-dip last night and everyone was in bed right on time.

Brock and Bella headed off to their first day of school today (Brock in 5th grade; Bella started 2nd) and Ava and Wyndham will be starting kindergarten tomorrow. We're hoping for a great year of learning and growing and still squeezing in as much fun as we can- even if it means jumping on an old mattress on the driveway.

I hope you have a great fall season too!