Wednesday, January 04, 2012

On the eve of another big day...



I just happened to find a stack of cd's with several hundred "old" family photos on tonight in the middle of some of our 'stuff' around the house. I put the disc in my laptop and couldn't believe some of the pictures I found. Many of them I didn't remember even taking- those are so fun to come across, because it's like you get a little treasure from the past you didn't even know you had kept. Remember my previous post... what can I do with or without? I am glad I am obsessive about taking photos. I especially love digital ones because although the discs and files take up space, they don't really take up much room in the overall scheme of things. And like I said, it's a treat to come across them and I am sure will just become more "valuable" with age.

Tomorrow is Wyndham's birthday. She is excited to be having Grandma and Grandpa at our house to celebrate her and have a special meal and of course, a special cake for her too! When I saw some of the photos of her- {these are of her at age 4 1/2} the emotions in me were all over the place. I can't believe how tiny she was! I can't believe she was still "walking on her knees or tall-walking" as her therapists called it. I can't believe she was so happy to be learning to use a walker and be gaining a little bit of muscle tone finally.

I just love her smile and how she was so eager to try new things and push herself hard in order to be as much like the other kids in the family as she could. I love that she doesn't look like she has a single major issue in those smiling pictures. Even though the fact is she couldn't walk, talk, go on the potty, ride a tricycle, spin and dance or do lots of other things that little 4-year old girls typically get to do.

On this eve of her eleventh birthday I am still amazed at so many things about her. Amazed in truly mixed emotional ways. I love that she has rose to challenges time and time again- almost her whole life long. I am awed that she has surprised us by accomplishing so many things. But I would not be telling the whole truth if I didn't say it breaks my heart a bit too, just knowing that even after all her efforts and wanting and working toward being "just as able" as most other kids, that she still can't walk or talk or go potty by herself or ride a bike or dance and sing whenever her heart desires. As her mom I have always wanted her to be able to reach impossible dreams. The reality is that at age almost 11, her dreams have had to shift and change and sometimes the acceptance of her reality has become my bigget challenge. Not hers.

But rather than be sad and dwell on the things she can't do, these pictures reminded me tonight of all she has overcome and how even when she's had to resign herself to the fact that she'll never talk or do lots of things other kids do, she still has a sparkle in her eye, a joy in her heart, a silly sense of humor and she is loved in ways many people will never have the privilege of knowing. She is a remarkable little girl and I just had this glimpse in my mind that I can imagine must have come straight from above tonight.

I was letting my heart just soak it all in- the day she came into this world and how Teagan was such a proud, big sister and how Brock was unimpressed and very much a typical 2-year old at that first hospital visit. He cared more about getting to drink out of my can of pop sitting on my hospital tray than he did about wanting a turn holding Wyndham. I was so happy to be a mom fo three and was so thrilled to imagine Teagan and Wyndham being the kind of best friend and sisters I hoped and dreamed they would be. And then I paused and flash-forwarded through the unimaginable and landed on this birthday eve.

I was sitting in my thoughts just thanking God for bringing Wyndham and us so far together. Through things I never imagined going through on that special birth day- January 4th, 2001. I was feeling that tightness I get in my throat when I hurt from the past when all of a sudden the glimpse came to me. And then it grew from a glimpse to an 'oh my goodness I wonder what it WILL be like' picture in my mind. That picture was one where someday- I don't know when- I will "see" the picture clearly in Heaven and Wyndham will be dancing. And singing. And running and laughing and twirling and doing all the things I wished she could do so many times... and she'll be doing them effortlessly. With great JOY! She will be more than I ever imagined or dreamed she could be. In my limited mind and imagination here on earth I can only compare it to how an Olympic Gold medalist might feel. Or how a musician feels when they hit the perfect pitch at their highest, loudest note in the song. Or how the poet feels when they pen the most eloquent poem and read it aloud only to bring tears and hushed sounds to the crowd listening on. Or how an astronaut feels as they look down to earth from miles and miles away- all the years of studying and the physical intensity it demands to be floating in air...well, you can see. I was given this amazing picture of how Wyndham might be in Heaven one day.

To think that we have had to walk a rough road with her and feel fatigue and heartache and emotional and mental and physical pain from the added demands of her life challenges- and yet to realize that it all is just a small thing to guide her, care for her and help her along the way to her ultimate healing and her hope of eternity. She will dance one day. She will shout praises to God with a clear and mighty voice. She will be the perfect creation God has intended her to be! I am sure the moms of Olympians would say over and over and over again that when their child stood on the highest podium and held up their gold medal that all the sacrifices and hardships they endured through the years of training, didn't matter one bit at that moment. The sweat and tears and pain it took to get to that point simply melt away and are replaced by the roar of the crowd. The music plays and as their child stands proudly for the whole world to see any parent would say that nothing compares to such a moment in time.

Well, I can tell you from my own little corner of the world, I believe with all my heart that Wyndham's moment in "time" (which will actually last for all eternity!) is more than going to make up for anything we/she has endured down here. It gives me such a peace and I know I need to focus more on what's coming as we continue to cheer her on every single day. I am proud to be her Mom. I am proud of her spirit and how she puts her best foot forward even when it hurts. I am so happy to be celebrating her life for another year tomorrow. As tough as it's been... there has been a lot to smile about. And I know more is yet to come.

20 comments:

Rose said...

Praise God, and bless Wyndham!

Adrienne said...

Happy Birthday, Wyndham! Jody, this was beautiful...the imagining, the hope, the reality of what we cannot see but what God sees and steers us to. I pray His beautiful blessings on you all as the celebrating begins! Have so much fun! xoxox

Darcie Santoyo said...

Happy Birthday!!! God is good :)

Katherine B said...

Wishing a very special little girl a HUGE happy birthday! Hoping her day is truly blessed! Blessings to you too, Jody.

GretaB said...

Happy Birthday to Wyndham! I hope this year of being 11 holds great things and gives you all many reasons to celebrate.

Jody, I am so appreciative for your open and honest writing and sharing. While you don't sugar coat the tough stuff, the overriding message is always the same. I see the love, your faith, and ability to see the good. Wyndham is a special girl and you are a special mama.

Belinda said...

I left your blog thinking about Heaven today... and I felt happier than I've felt in a long time.

I used to sing a song to myself when I needed reminding...

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace."

I look forward to meeting Wyndham one day and watching her dance, too.

Have a great birthday celebration!

Kathy said...

I just caught up on your past few posts. This was lovely. I hope that Wyndham enjoys her special day to the fullest. Congrats on a successful move and Good luck on selling your house. Sounds to me that your month is going to be a very busy one.

Hall Family in MD said...

What an awesome post! Oh, how I have missed your posts! Happy, Happy Birthday Wyndham! Loved the pictures of when she was 4 1/2...so cute and now still so beautiful!

just me said...

OMG! You brought me tears on my eyes...tear of JOY! Because you are that Olympic mom! Be proud you have a precious treasure.
Happy Birthday Wyndham!
Love you Jody!

xoxo
Lucy

My name is Amee said...

Oh how sweet!!! Happy Happy Birthday to Wyndham!! I hope she has a very Blessed Day!!
Not are you only so fortunate to have her as a daughter but she is very blessed to have you as her Mom!
God is Good all of the time, isn't he?

Jennifer said...

Stay strong.. it will be Okay.

Happy happy 11th Birthday to Wyndham!!

Each child are special, no matter what. Hugs..

jenny said...

Beautiful post, Jody. I can see her too! When I close my eyes and open my heart, I see Wyndham dancing and twirling before the throne of God, just DAZZLING the rest of us with her grace and poise and joy. Thanks for reminding us all of what is to come. Let's all turn our eyes on Him in 2012. God bless you and yours.

Be the change... said...

Beautiful.

Nuts in a Tree said...

Happy Birthday Wyndham! Her eyes dance in so many pics...such a beautiful girl. :)

Beth said...

Oh, Jody, this is so touching. And so eloquently said, as usual.
I have to share with you, that I too struggle to accept the reality that has been given to our children.
As I read your post describing Wyndham, I was seeing my daughter as well, it's just that her struggles are almost polar opposite of Wyndham's. My daughter was severely neglected in the 6 months she spent with her biological family, she is now (just turned) 9 years old and as typically functioning as she is on the outside, she id almost the opposite of your precious Wyndham, her struggles lie on the inside affecting her functioning internally. Mine is fully able to do most anything, she is an amazing soccer player (when her head is in the game), she is well mannered, polite, and noone on the outside really knows the demons she deals with....unless they spend a LOT of time with her. Hers are hidden inside emotionally; she has rarely a sparkle in her eye, very little joy in her heart and she doesn't truly believe that we truly love her. Due to the neglect, she truly doesn't trust anyone and is just getting along however she can.
I appreciate your openness and honesty, you are an inspiration to me. I appreciate you sharing tha tyou struggle as I do too and it helps me so much to know that I am not the only mother out there who is struggling with what I can't change. In the meantime, we walk this path of trying to accept their reality of which we cannot change.
Thank you,
beth in colorado

Beth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cat said...

Happy happy belated Birthday to her. All the best for your precious girl.

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