Thursday, July 28, 2011
The number of her days...
Yesterday I posted on my FaceBook status that Teagan came up to me while I was making her lunch and out of the blue asked me, "Mommy, how many days am I?". I spun around and looked at her and sort of laughed when I told her, "I'm not exactly sure of the number, but you're a lot of days old, Sweetie, and you have a lot of days left".
It turns out I was wrong.
She had only a couple of days left on this earth.
I have been thinking a lot about how I might have lived those 48 hours differently if I had known they would be our last days together. I've blogged about the topic before and how I really feel it was probably best for me not to know- especially when life took such a drastic turn. I know nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen in our lives back then.
A big part of the peace and acceptance of Teagan's death though has hung on the fact that we know and trust that God was not surprised one bit by what happened. In fact, the Bible even tells us that even before a single day comes to be, He has ordered that number perfectly.
God knew before Teagan ever took her first breath just how many days she would live out on this earth.
She lived the perfect number of days. For her.
It's not to my liking, that's for certain, but my heart has accepted it as much as a mother's heart can, I believe.
She lived and loved fully. I know I overthink the what if's, the why's, the how's and never stop wondering where we would be in life if things had gone differently that day. Somehow just knowing that I'll never forget and I'll never stop loving her- even when she's gone helps to temper the weight of the grief I feel from all we've lived through and emptiness we've felt having Teagan gone. The breadth of her life was short, but the impact I still feel from the days she did live on earth have forever touched the core of me.
Tomorrow we mark 10 years since our tragedy at The Old Depot.
I only hope that even as I recall the memories of our past I won't take the days we all have left for granted. Not one single one.