Thursday, July 28, 2011

The number of her days...

Yesterday I posted on my FaceBook status that Teagan came up to me while I was making her lunch and out of the blue asked me, "Mommy, how many days am I?". I spun around and looked at her and sort of laughed when I told her, "I'm not exactly sure of the number, but you're a lot of days old, Sweetie, and you have a lot of days left".

It turns out I was wrong.

She had only a couple of days left on this earth.

I have been thinking a lot about how I might have lived those 48 hours differently if I had known they would be our last days together. I've blogged about the topic before and how I really feel it was probably best for me not to know- especially when life took such a drastic turn. I know nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen in our lives back then.

A big part of the peace and acceptance of Teagan's death though has hung on the fact that we know and trust that God was not surprised one bit by what happened. In fact, the Bible even tells us that even before a single day comes to be, He has ordered that number perfectly.

God knew before Teagan ever took her first breath just how many days she would live out on this earth.

She lived the perfect number of days. For her.

It's not to my liking, that's for certain, but my heart has accepted it as much as a mother's heart can, I believe.

She lived and loved fully. I know I overthink the what if's, the why's, the how's and never stop wondering where we would be in life if things had gone differently that day. Somehow just knowing that I'll never forget and I'll never stop loving her- even when she's gone helps to temper the weight of the grief I feel from all we've lived through and emptiness we've felt having Teagan gone. The breadth of her life was short, but the impact I still feel from the days she did live on earth have forever touched the core of me.

Tomorrow we mark 10 years since our tragedy at The Old Depot.

I only hope that even as I recall the memories of our past I won't take the days we all have left for granted. Not one single one.


Sarah said...

Beautiful post and compelling reminder to enjoy every minute. Praying for peace for you as this anniversary date approaches.

Sara said...

Praying God comforts you on "that day" and all the days ahead.

jenny said...

Praying for you Jody, as you rest in His amazing grace. May His peace fill your hearts tomorrow. I can't wait to one day meet your sweet Teagan and see her dance before the throne in Heaven. I just know she'll be all sparkly and beautiful beyond my imagination. Loving her with you.

Rachel said...

Loved the baby pictures of your gorgeous Teagan. Thank you for the beautiful reminder to love my kids well each moment of each day.
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel in TN

Be the change... said...

We have a new little girl in our family...thanks for these reminders. Talia Claire...xoxo.

Anne said...

I have thinking of all of those effected on that beautiful Sunday morning 10 years ago...especially your family and the Koronka's who lives we so very much changed.

Kristin Stegent said...

Jody- I am praying for you today. I am sorry. You are loved!

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you today.

Cheryl said...

Beautiful pictures...thank you for sharing. I get tears just thinking about you reuniting with her in Heaven. Blessings to you and your family.

With hugs and Hope,

Anonymous said...

Praying for your beautiful family. You have been such a blessing in my life . Your gorgeous Teagan has blessed me too -altho we never met-through your writings. Have you thought of writing a book? You have a true talent God blessed you with .


Anonymous said...

Oh she is such a beauty , that Teagan. wow. My heart aches for you, we all share your pain a tiny bit. And maybe knowing that , to share your burden will help just a bit too. We all care a whole big lot about you and your love for her. She was a precious, precious girl and you had thee delight and priviledge to be her mommy. God Bless you Jody and your family, and may her memory be alive forever (or until you two meet again).