You are all so supportive and your encouragement has been a blessing to me especially in the past 24 hours. I just wanted to stop in and say a big thank you for so many of you who have privately emailed me with your thoughts and prayers and words of inspiration to keep hanging in there right now, in addition to all of you who have left comments here too. It has helped me put things in perspective a bit and I'm feeling less 'alone' in this just knowing so many of you have been in the pits too and yet have found a way out. Or some of you are still trying to find a way out but willing to keep going too- just like us.
I will admit that I have been "sick and tired" of life being so hard on us. When I shared how Chip and I feel like we're ready to split our team up it stems more from us being frustrated with life's demands and the wish that things could be different- yet we're so 'stuck' with how things have to be right now. It's not that we don't love and care about one another and we're ready to call it quits, but almost the opposite- we sort of think that if one of us took on more of the 'problem issues' and the other person took the rest well then, at least a few of us would have a chance at happiness. Does that even make sense? It sounds funny when I type it out. But we've been here before. Here meaning at the end of our ropes- wishing things different- feeling like we can't be who we need to be to all the people who need us right now, and then thinking maybe we could cut our problems in half and at least salvadge life for part of our gang.
But it's not to be.
For lots of reasons.
And truthfully, we know that even trying to split the problems in half won't solve things, but instead add to the already long list of overwhelming issues in life right now.
I do think that as I've been able to write out some of what I'm feeling and thinking, as well as sharing it with some friends and with Chip that a lot of my hurt and inadequacies come from being Wyndham's mom and unable to change her circumstance and 'feeling' her pain and watching it but again, being unable to fix the hurt.
I will also say that as the time nears for her to get her casts off I have some new fears growing inside about how the next phase will go. I just want the world for her and have such love and respect for how well she has endured the past 8 weeks that I'm just holding out hope that she will get a bit of a reward for all she's been through. She's had more smiles than I have at times and I just know she is ready to move on from this situation of being so sedantary.
The kindness you have all shown through your understanding and words and emails has been a bit of what I needed to get through the rest of this week. To top it off though, Teague ended up with a horrible, 'barky' cough last night and he was checked out at Urgent Care today because of my growing concerns for him. At this point the doctor thinks it's a bit of croup and he was given some meds to help his breathing and cough. I just feel like one more big thing- like Teague being hospitalized- would be a bit too much right now. So I've been praying since early, early this morning and if you feel like joining me in prayers for his health I would love you all for that too.
It just seems that when I finally unload my burdens to whoever cares to listen, I am lighter for doing so and more clear in how to proceed. So thank you, thank you from me and all my family for walking through this not-so-hot part of our lives too.
I decided to lower my expectations a bit too- thanks to the advice and encouragement from many of you in that regards. I also sat on the couch nursing Teague today and told myself that how I was truly being productive at that moment- no matter how much my mind raced to other things on my to-do list that needed to get done. Sometimes, we women especially, can be so demanding of our own selves that we neglect to see just how important some of the 'little things' we do each day truly are in the scheme of things. I am vowing for the next however long I need to, to be less hard on myself, more tolerant of my little ones, and more appreciative of Chip. I think something as small as a shift in thinking can refocus and realign my heart and mind to better take on the challenges that life keeps sending our way. I hope I get around to baking something again soon too. There's something missing around our home and I think it might be the smell of baked goods. I'll be sure to pass along any recipes I whip up if that happens. Thanks again for all of your love, cares and prayers!
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12 comments:
You never cease to amaze me Jody!! You have a way with your words. I am sure most every one of us can relate to this place you are in right now. I know I sure can!!! I am teetering on the edge myself right now, a little higher out of the pitt of despair than a few weeks ago, but just like you I feel as if it is so difficult sometimes. WHen our babies are attacked then the momma bear really comes out! I think ... no wait, I KNOW that the enemy is on the prowl. He is seeking to make us weak, to steal, kill and destroy. You are definitely a target because of all the good you do in your life. The light you shine, the victory you represent.
I know you love the Lord....remember HE LOVES YOU TOO! He treasures you for all you are! Not for all you DO!!!! He is pleased with you....just like you are with your children when they disappoint, He does not stop loving you.
I think of you often even tho we have never met. I will continue to remember you in my prayers.
God has not left..........really He hasnt!!!!!
XO
Love & Blessings!!
While we've never met, I am reader of your blog and have been praying for you and your family the last few days. Hang in there! Prayers are coming your way, even from all the way out here in Portland, Oregon!
I think that sometimes, at least for myself when I'm angry and hurting, I need to duck and let God come out swinging for me. But I have a really, really hard time giving up control like that. Fortunately, when I stand back up too soon, God is kind enough to then smack me in the back of the head so that I hit the floor and make room for Him. I'm trying to remember to get out of His way. It's not easy, not at all. And I hope that peace floods your household soon.
Thinking of you Jody. I know this time will pass!
Jody,
I am praying for you. Thank you for sharing. You have been an inspiration to me and to many others, and have done mighty works for God. So there will surely be opposition against you . We have had a lot of stress and hard times too, and my husband and I have thought of splitting up....we too, rarely ever get out alone even for a few hours. It is hard on a marriage. But my parents divorced and it wrecked havoc on us kids. It made everything much much worse. I wish I was closer-to help--although you dont know me!! If you can get out --as often as you can -even just a coule hours a week-to talk over coffee....and to look forward to time alone....
Hang in there. Know you are not alone in your struggles, and your family and marriage is the biggest accomplishment ever. It is ....and you are loved and respected by so many, even those you dont know. krista
Thanks for sharing your journey. You said that something as simple as changing your thinking can make such a difference. Amen and amen. During my struggle in the pit - that was a major emphasis God kept bringing up through Scripture. The whole concept of worshipping God with body, soul, and mind and also the verse that talks about making every thought obedient to Christ. In the process I realized I had unrealistic expectations and was trying to play the role of 'God', far too many times. God is merciful and doesn't treat us as our sins deserve. Press on dear sister in Christ.
Laurie C.
Jodi:
About 4.5 yrs ago we moved with my husband's job and he threw his back out the very morning our furniture was being delivered. He was in bed most of the next 3 months, then had surgery. It was trying on me. Most of all because what I expected out of myself. I unloaded every box, I did the HUGE yardwork all by myself, I took on things that didn't really matter but I expected them to get done with a move. I learned a lesson...now when things happen that are stressful and need my attention, I let the smaller stuff go. I admit I am not SuperWoman and I can't do it all. In the grand scheme of things, what does it matter if the ordinary day to day stuff piles up a bit....take time to smell those roses.
Jody,
After reading your post yesterday, my heart was broken for you. I look to your blog for inspiration always. I hold a special place in my heart for you and your family, as you have taught me so much! Prayers for joy and peace to your family! Diane from Ohio
Jody, just caught up on all that is on your plate (I haven't been in blog world for a bit) ...praying you do get a chance to bake something soon because it can be therapeutic...though we both know it doesn't totally lighten the load. Anyway, please know you guys, and sweet Teague's health, are in our prayers. I pray that just knowing many are praying for you guys will help lighten the weighty burden you guys are bearing in this season...praying for the next season, too, that as you guys take one day at a time, God's grace would provide all that you need, one day at a time. I wish I had words or a wand to fix it for you, but I believe my prayers are just as powerful as the next guys, so those I will offer in your name! Love always!!!! Ade xoxox
Praying for you and your precious family during this stressful time. May God grant you and Chip the courage to work together and hang in there even when it feels like the harder option. May he continue to bless sweet Wyndham the patience and strength to endure these last few weeks in her casts and reap the reward of healing when they are removed. May you get some good interrupted hours of sleep and rest. For me I always think life is a little harder when I am having to get up frequently in the night with the kids. As for that precious baby drink him in and enjoy each second you can while nursing him. I know it is so frustrating when you have to sit there nursing the baby when you need to be dong 100 other things but do you ever feel guilty or unproductive when you are cooking a meal for the rest of your family? Of course not so also you should remind yourself when feeding the baby you are busy nourishing a member of your family in a way only you can. I just went back and read this old post of yours form when Crew was a baby http://jodyferlaak.blogspot.com/2008/11/one-of-those-days.html maybe it is the time of year or getting sleep deprivation catching up but I am sure it is a season and spring will come! You may also enjoy reading those comments. I also want to thank you for your honesty because it makes all of us moms of little ones feel that we are not crazy or at least not alone in our craziness. I think it is something that many moms go through. We are taught to cover up our flaws and go out with perfect looking well behaved kids and look like we never get frustrated with them or our messy houses. Just knowing that others are int he trenches and understand us is so refreshing.
Hugs and Prayers
rachel in TN
be 'in the moment', jodi. make everything in your life a prayer..
love,
rose
Jody,
You don't know me- I started following your blog through a friend. PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP! You don't know it, but YOU have saved me!! I wish I could come and help you out. (I live in AR)First, I would give you and Chip an BIG hug, then I would load your kids in my car and you and Chip would get a most deserved night out! I'm praying for you!
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