To see the goodness

Brock is feeling better and had an okay birthday- despite being sick with the flu. Chip is on the mend too and I have some laundry to get caught up on, but thankfully, Wyndham, Crew and Ava have not gotten the bug. I'm even hopeful that they may miss this round of it- lucky kids!

Guess who turns five months old today?! It's amazing to me after having as many babies as I have had, that they still seems to grow up so fast and grow out of that newborn stage way too quickly. I feel like I have done a better job about taking pictures and letting things go during the past 5 months, in order to savor and be in these moments that much more. But they still seem to have gone by me in a blink of an eye. Above, you see a scrap page and letter that I made in order to capture a bit of what was on my heart and mind in the early moments. {You can see the pages up close in this link.}

As I watched Brock blow out 10 birthday candles last night, I couldn't help but think that time really does move too quickly. Although I feel like some (most) days I am just doing mundane things over and over [ie. laundry, dishes, making beds, changing diapers, picking up toys], I can see how this way of life won't last forever. It really is just a season of life.

To tell you the truth though, I have failed miserably the past few months. I owe Chip and my kids and apology for the way I have been short-sighted in this regard. I have been lacking patience at times when I've needed to exercise it, and I have been crabby over things that really are insignificant in the scheme of things. (Side note here...do not take children under 10 to see the movie Coraline...that's just a bit of free nitty.gritty. advice.)

I have to say that one of my big struggles in life is striking a balance where I feel that what I'm doing in life actually matters beyond this moment. I can be so good at just sitting back and taking life in at times, but then when the days play out the same (or worse, as they did with the flu in our house the past week or so) I find myself questioning the purpose of all I do from morning til night.

Then I have to stop and check myself. I'll tell you that truthfully, the hardest part of 'living' for me is keeping an eternal perspective in the 'low days'. I struggle with the 'fairness of life' when we have down days in our house. I fight the battle of saying and thinking, "Haven't we been through enough already?". Chip can tell you that I don't always win that battle in my mind and that's when my attitude takes a major turn and I'm no fun to be around.

I struggle with wanting things be easy and carefree all the time, when the fact is life can be hard. I struggle with the reality that even though I've done some incredibly difficult things- like signing Teagan's heart away when there was no longer any hope of her survival- it doesn't change the way our days play out now and in the future.

That's the hard part.

I'll admit right now that I wrestle with letting go of wanting life to be 'fair' and clinging to the promises that God has a plan and it might include suffering all along the way. I sometimes forget that so many times the rewards that come from knowing and trusting His ways don't always come to us this side of Heaven. I'm writing all this today to remind myself once again that the way through the 'down days' is to see the goodness that has occurred in my life and to remember that God can use even the toughest of times for His purposes and glory.

These are hard lessons; you know what I'm talking about if you've been through them or are going through them right now. But I do know from my life and the lives of many others, that the Goodness is always there. We just have to seek it with all our hearts.
Therein lies the purpose of our lives- seeking Him and surrendering to His ways- no matter where that may take us. Sometimes the journey may seem long, but even I know it really does all happen in a blink of an eye.