Thursday, February 19, 2009

To see the goodness

Brock is feeling better and had an okay birthday- despite being sick with the flu. Chip is on the mend too and I have some laundry to get caught up on, but thankfully, Wyndham, Crew and Ava have not gotten the bug. I'm even hopeful that they may miss this round of it- lucky kids!
Guess who turns five months old today?! It's amazing to me after having as many babies as I have had, that they still seems to grow up so fast and grow out of that newborn stage way too quickly. I feel like I have done a better job about taking pictures and letting things go during the past 5 months, in order to savor and be in these moments that much more. But they still seem to have gone by me in a blink of an eye. Above, you see a scrap page and letter that I made in order to capture a bit of what was on my heart and mind in the early moments. {You can see the pages up close in this link.}
As I watched Brock blow out 10 birthday candles last night, I couldn't help but think that time really does move too quickly. Although I feel like some (most) days I am just doing mundane things over and over [ie. laundry, dishes, making beds, changing diapers, picking up toys], I can see how this way of life won't last forever. It really is just a season of life.
To tell you the truth though, I have failed miserably the past few months. I owe Chip and my kids and apology for the way I have been short-sighted in this regard. I have been lacking patience at times when I've needed to exercise it, and I have been crabby over things that really are insignificant in the scheme of things. (Side note not take children under 10 to see the movie Coraline...that's just a bit of free nitty.gritty. advice.)
I have to say that one of my big struggles in life is striking a balance where I feel that what I'm doing in life actually matters beyond this moment. I can be so good at just sitting back and taking life in at times, but then when the days play out the same (or worse, as they did with the flu in our house the past week or so) I find myself questioning the purpose of all I do from morning til night.
Then I have to stop and check myself. I'll tell you that truthfully, the hardest part of 'living' for me is keeping an eternal perspective in the 'low days'. I struggle with the 'fairness of life' when we have down days in our house. I fight the battle of saying and thinking, "Haven't we been through enough already?". Chip can tell you that I don't always win that battle in my mind and that's when my attitude takes a major turn and I'm no fun to be around.
I struggle with wanting things be easy and carefree all the time, when the fact is life can be hard. I struggle with the reality that even though I've done some incredibly difficult things- like signing Teagan's heart away when there was no longer any hope of her survival- it doesn't change the way our days play out now and in the future.
That's the hard part.
I'll admit right now that I wrestle with letting go of wanting life to be 'fair' and clinging to the promises that God has a plan and it might include suffering all along the way. I sometimes forget that so many times the rewards that come from knowing and trusting His ways don't always come to us this side of Heaven. I'm writing all this today to remind myself once again that the way through the 'down days' is to see the goodness that has occurred in my life and to remember that God can use even the toughest of times for His purposes and glory.
These are hard lessons; you know what I'm talking about if you've been through them or are going through them right now. But I do know from my life and the lives of many others, that the Goodness is always there. We just have to seek it with all our hearts.
Therein lies the purpose of our lives- seeking Him and surrendering to His ways- no matter where that may take us. Sometimes the journey may seem long, but even I know it really does all happen in a blink of an eye.


Diana said...

Good morning Jody,

It has been awhile since I have been to your blog but was inspired to do so today after seeing your post on SIS today. I so appreciate your honesty and sharing your feelings, I think as a woman sometimes you feel like you are the only one who feels these things. Regardless of your bad days or moments I am sure your kids and husband think you are such a blessing to them everyday!! I hope you have a great day and again thanks for always being so real with your thoughts and feelings and by the way, I love that 2 page layout of crew!! Hugs -

Belinda said...

I'm praying for you today, Jody. As a mother of a son who will be going to college next fall, I can assure you that time is indeed moving very, very quickly. You're right to try to savor the moments, and you are very normal for not feeling "up" every day (especially after having a house full of sick kids). I admire you greatly, and think your testimony is one of courage, strength and hope... and I love that you give the credit for all those things to our Heavenly Father. I hope today is a good day.

A ten year-old and a five month-old and girls in between. Whew! Now that's a job!

Rachel said...

Happy 5 month birthday Crew!!!

We seem to like to be sick during our birthday velebrations 'round here too!!!!!!!

Eldest, that is sick with me now, had the chicken pox during his 8th bday, gave them to Daddy too so we cancelled it. That was December, we finally had his b-day party here in Feb!!! This weekend is my little ones 3rd bday party and looks like we will not only be giving out loot bags but Strep too!!! I love this part about being a Mom (NOT!)

Hope everyone in the Nitty Gritty house is up and running full steam ahead soon!!!!!!

Chantelle said...

Thank you, again, for sharing your thoughts. They are an encouragement to my heart and a much needed reminder to focus on what matters.

God bless you and your family.

Anonymous said...

You took the words out of my mouth what my heart feels so often. We are not alone-- that's what this post reminds me. We've just gotta keep pluggin' and find the joy that comes from doing that gazillointh load of laundry!

Anonymous said...

Jody, I am right there with you!! I have had that kind of week. A lot of the low and a skewed perspective. Your post is an awesome reminder that there is a MUCH bigger purpose than what we can see with our eyes. Thanks for the reminder and, as always, for being real!

Beckypdj said...

My 16 yr old son has been in Heaven for 13 months and 1 week. Most of the times now are not so hard, but sometimes......the sadness gets to me. These are the times I make my "lists", things I am grateful for, things I love, ways God loves me, how I am blessed. The lists help me focus on the goodness of what I have instead of what I do not have. It is a battle....a battle we will win.

Abbie said...

Thanks Jody for being real. I needed to hear that today.

And Crew is adorable! And it is crazy how fast they grow. My third just got to 4 months and I can't believe it!

Lee said...

Thanks for the reminder that heartache and frustration is part of the plan...even if it doesn't really make sense or feel, as you put it, "fair".

Thanks also for your genuine heart, and your willingness to share not only your daily joys but your daily challenges. =)

Lauren Kelly said...

That was beautiful, Jody. Thanks for being so real with us!!!!! Glad everyone is feeling better :o)

Erin Merryn said...

Do you know who got Teagan's heart?