She's four...

and she asked me how to spell "intact" the other day. How does a four-year old girl know about the word intact? More importantly, why does she need to write it down?

I have no answers for you. That's my Ava.

Ava was writing random letters on some lined paper, as she loves to do. Sometimes she asks me how to spell family members' names, or how to write a letter to Grandma. The word 'intact' came out of nowhere and she has yet to tell me why she needs to spell it.

Funny girl.

I love the age of four so much.

Mostly because Teagan is forever four in my heart and mind.

I was head-over-heels for her always, but especially loved her personality, quirks and charm at age 4 when she was killed. Teagan was my little shadow around the house and she entertained me all day long. She sang and danced and talked non-stop and in between those things she giggled and laughed. She played so well with Brock, and showered Wyndham with love for a short time. I never dreamed I'd have her taken from me at such a young, glorious, full-of-life & potential- age.

But it happened.

Now, if you've lost a loved one, you know you "never get over it". Death and loss becomes a part of you. The tragic, sudden way we lost Teagan, in addition to her age, impacted me deeply. Forever.

It hit me a couple of times this week.

Once, yesterday, as I left a dr. appointment. I was sitting at a stoplight waiting to make a turn when suddenly an ambulance came up alongside me with the lights and sirens blaring. I got a sick feeling in my stomach and my throat tightened instantly.

I couldn't help but think of the person/people waiting at the other end for emergency help.

I've been "on the other end" a few too many times in my life and the sounds of those sirens just hits me so differently now. I never take my health for granted, in particular, at moments like that- just knowing someone is in crisis makes me thankful for what I have.

I had another moment a couple of days ago when I put Crew down for his nap. I was planning to get a few things done around the house as long as he slept when Ava called to me from another room asking me to come and play Barbies with her.

It hit me hard.

I couldn't help but think, at that moment, of all the times I had longed to have my 4-year old just call for me to come join her in playing Barbies while her little brother slept. I had prayed and begged God more than once to give me that back.

As I sat down on the floor with Ava and picked up one of Teagan's old Barbies, I realized that I was living an answer to my own prayer. I held back the tears and thanked God for giving me this moment. Yes, it took seven years to get answered, but God honored my request. It didn't necessarily come as quickly as I would have liked, and it certainly didn't 'look' the way I had pictured it in my head, but still, here I was playing Barbies with my 4-year old as her little brother slept peacefully in the next room.

It was reason for me to give thanks to God yet again. For seeing me through so much, and giving me some of the simpliest desires of my heart. Not that they come without a lot of suffering and patience and endurance, because there has been a lot of questioning and heartache through the years. There have been high costs and times when I've wondered if God could hear me or even care, but I was quietly reminded in ordinary ways this week, that God is at work. He does care. He does hear our prayers. He doesn't always work in the ways we would hope and pray, but He IS always faithful in all things, if we put our trust fully in Him.

It's these types of life-lessons I am so grateful for in life...and I never want to forget.

*For you scrap-readers, we have a new Fashionista challenge blog called "The Haute Spot". The first challenge was posted today. You can take the challenge and maybe win a prize and also see more pages/inspiration there. It will be fun. I promise...I already made my page. You can see that here... another moment I never want to forget.