It changed me.

This little mushroom is on the cover of the pregnancy album I am keeping as we count down the weeks and months until our baby is born. {You can see it here.}
I have been thoughtful lately for various reasons. As Chip and I prepared to speak at a dinner last week it forced us to look back- not only at our Oprah dvd and story of tragedy, but also at the process and journey we are on in life since we've gone through some heartaches. I also have been reflective, as I said earlier, just because it's March and we mark another birthday that we would have loved to celebrate with Teagan. She would be turning 11 and each year it is harder for my mind to wrap around the age she would be. She talked many times about 'just wanting to be four forever' and in many ways she got her wish. In my heart and mind she will always be my little blond-haired, blue-eyed four year old girl. No matter how many years go by.
Expecting another baby quite unexpectedly has triggered lots of new thoughts, hopes and dreams. In many ways Chip and I have been through such tough stuff, but in many ways I find myself so thankful for those times of adversity. The fact that they have brought so much 'goodness and blessing' still blows my mind, because our human nature doesn't really teach us to go looking for 'bad stuff' in life. On the contrary, we have built in protective instincts and we live in a society that promotes health and well-being and really encourages us to pursue happiness. To live through hardships (and we ALL have our share of them, no matter what they may be...) for me has changed me. It has changed us. I am thankful for that and see how it's such a matter of perspective in things that really matters most in how we 'survive' those crisis.
During Teagan's pregnancy {she was our first} I was depressed and consumed with the changes that a baby was going to bring to my life that I missed all the wonderful things that were happening to me. I missed chances to enjoy the time Chip and I had as just the two of us, because often I was voicing worries or concerns or just feelings of unhappiness. It sapped the fun and joy out of what should have and easily could have been one of the most wonderful 9 months of our lives.
Sometimes my heart aches so much about how I 'was' back then and how I regret being so selfish and focused on stuff that didn't matter in life. I sometimes feel that as difficult as our grief and loss has been, that it has been a wonderful gift at the same time, for it has opened my heart, mind and soul to beauty and joy that used to pass me by. The relationship that Chip and I have now is one that is stronger and deeper than I knew two people could share together. It is not without its moments- just as I still 'blow it' sometimes as a mom and friend and fellow traveler in this world. But still, I am humbled, even moreso at this time in my life than I think I have been at any other. I am thankful for the way that God heals and renews and offers us fresh starts and 'do-overs' in life if we are willing to move beyond our hurt and embrace what the future holds.
These are just some of my thoughts on a Tuesday morning. I continue to be inspired that life comes at us unexpectedly many times, but we still control our destiny. May you be inspired and encouraged to seek Joy as you walk your own journey in life- through whatever life sends your way.