Wednesday, December 19, 2007

That time of year...

We are all nearly partied out. My birthday is tomorrow {in case I don't post, you'll understand why...I'll be busy with some fabulous buttercream hopefully} and when Chip asked me what I wanted for a gift I said, "That European bed that I had pictured on my blog...and all day to spend in it!". =) Hey?! I may as well dream big, right?!
Between school parties/programs and therapy parties and church programs we are feeling the 'sugary effects' of the season.
I feel like I have a million things I wish I could be doing or get done, and yet I am just trying to stay on top of the basics that need to happen for us to survive from day to day. Take my fridge for instance. If you peeked inside it today you would find milk, eggs, butter, cheese, a head of broccoli, some OJ, apples, grapefruit and condiments. Thank goodness for Easy Mac, because I don't know what we would be eating for dinner otherwise. Well, maybe grilled cheese or peanut butter sandwiches...but nothing too exciting.
I don't know why I am feeling 'out of it' moreso this year than other years. I definitely have my ups and downs right now. It's probably a combination of things, and certainly nothing that warrants major concern. One of the little things that I did take note of more in the past few weeks is how often I think of Teagan and miss her this time of year.
Some people think I'm obsessive when it comes to talking about her and the way we 'make her a part of our lives' still years after she's been gone, but really, I think it's more about the changes we make in our lives and how 'she changes' with us.
This year Ava is almost exactly the age Teagan was on her last Christmas with us on earth (their birthdays are only 4 days apart). So when I see Ava doing things it just seems to bring back memories of Teagan so clearly...or jog some that were nearly forgotten. It's of course, bittersweet, and thankfully, more sweet than bitter most days. That little Santa shirt she is wearing is one Teagan and I bought for her when we took a day trip to Traverse City not long before Christmas. I remember our shopping trip well and especially how intentional Teagan was about choosing the shirt she wanted. She wore it a lot...I have pictures of her wearing it into March and April- months after Christmas was over. Seeing Ava in it makes me see firsthand just how young and small Teagan really was when she died. I always thought she was so big and grown up, as she was our oldest child at that time. Now that Ava is my youngest and so close to the age Teagan hits me harder in a sense, and I draw more and more parallels between those two.
Still, I know Teagan was a special girl and I will never let her go- even as we all grow and change and time moves on.
It's just once in awhile I wish I could take those special times that we shared all back. And I'd love one more birthday hug and kiss from her. Hey?! I may as well dream big, right?!


Anonymous said...

Jody - it is okay to remember and okay to feel sad over Teagan. Don't beat yourself up about it. On a lighter note, do you ever give your parents grief for "having you" right close to Christmas? Did you ever feel gipped about people combinbing presents? LOL. I would suggest to Chip that you start celebrating your Half Birthday in June :) Hang in there.

Steph J said...

Dream big Jody!
Have a great birthday!

*kim* said...

Happy {early} Birthday Jody!
Wishing you all the happy memories and dreams your mind can wrap itself around.



Cyndi said...

Happy Birthday to you! HBTY! HB Dear Jody! HBTY! (in my very best singing voice) From one Dec. baby to another (I'll be 31 on Sat. 22)

You know what is so cool? That you CAN remember all the things about Teagan. Not that you could ever forget, but you know what I mean. Like the shopping trip. Little things could be forgotten over time. I think you have every right to keep talking about her - it's helping you remb. all of the lovely things that were in your life when you had her with you on earth. Just know that your dream for a hug and kiss will be reality one day / the bed on the other hand, well . . .good luck =)

Tina Vega said...

Have a wonderful birthday, Jody!

Teagan will ALWAYS be part of your family so talk away!

Sara said...

Happy Birthday! I hope it's filled with buttercream and beautiful dreams come true :)

My best friend lost her oldest daughter to cancer four years ago, and at times it still feels like yesterday. We talk about Kate as though she is everywhere with us, because we believe she is. And speaking her name means we still feel her mark on this world and on all of us.

At times my friend worried what others thought of how she kept Kate's room, or how they spoke of her or chose to celebrate her. But I keep telling her that there is no right answer on how to handle your life or your grief or your joy. There is only your answer... and as long as you live true, you live right.

So... it is a joy to celebrate your daughter with you as often as you like.

Happy Birthday!!

Gwen said...

thanks jody for your sweet comment !!!
wish you a beautiful christmas to u and your family...
love the card!