Heart transplants~

The reality of our tragic incident began to sink in hours after the initial impact of the car into the restaurant building, for me at the words, "organ donation". The doctors had warned us of Teagan's grave condition and even at the scene when I picked her up and carried her out of the hole in the wall, in my heart I had an overwhelming sense that there would be no hope for her of surviving her injuries.
But it wasn't until I sat at Chip's bedside and together we heard the hard, cold facts of Teagan's fate. She was given CPR at the scene and I watched as her little body was taken by ambulance and the next time I saw her, she was hooked up to life support machines and looked as though she was sleeping soundly. She hardly had a scratch on her...she still looked beautiful to me. I wished I could have just watched her open her eyes and that it would have simply been a bad dream. Just hours earlier she was laughing and singing and life held nothing but promise and hope for her.
It was surreal for me to listen to a doctor say that despite all they had done for her, the fact was that her brain was never going to function again, and machines were keeping her alive. Chip and I at that time were asked if we would like to consider organ donation. It was one of the 'easiest' decisions we had to make while we were in the hospital over the next 3 weeks. We didn't even hesitate in our response...to me that was a gift from God in all this- that we both wanted the same thing- to give others hope and to bring something "good" out of our tragedy.
We were told of a family waiting for a heart for their 7-year old son...Teagan was the miracle they were praying for. There were others who were in dire need of hope...and Teagan's death would mean a second chance at life for them.
We signed the papers quickly, and then I do remember holding Chip and letting the tears fall...as I began to accept our fate and reality...but mixed it with the realization that someone was getting their hopes and dreams and future back. It was the first comfort that I felt as the depth of my pain was just settling in.
And then hours later the hurt came flooding back, as Teagan went into cardiac arrest and the hopes and dreams for other families waiting their 'new life' were shattered once again. The doctors were able to give Teagan's heart valves and the corneas of her eyes to others- and that was a bit of comfort...but not what we had hoped for Teagan to be able to give back in her final moments on earth.
I have no idea who received the gift of sight or the gift of a mended heart because of Teagan's death. But I was struck yesterday, not only in my memories and the notes and phonecalls and cards from people touched by Teagan's memory still. It was the feeling in my own heart, and the very peace and comfort that flooded my soul that I couldn't deny. I am shedding tears today, in a larger sense, because after all these years of feeling sad that Teagan couldn't give someone the heart transplant they so deperately needed, I see that she indeed has been a part of changed hearts...my own heart has received a transplant in a sense. I am changed and see the world differently because of her. Others have shared how their hearts have been touched and forever changed because of Teagan's death. What a comfort, what a blessing...that didn't come in the way I had hoped and expected, but that transpired over time and it is a beautiful thing to see and experience.
I have knew 'eyes'; a new vision and outlook in life due to our experiences. I never would have imagined that Chip and I would find ourselves signing papers to give Teagan's heart and eyesight away to others. Nothing in life can prepare anyone for such a moment...but it has changed us. It has changed me.
I just baked some zucchini bread and my children are playing and eating blueberries and I can hear the coo of a morning dove just outside the screen door. Teagan loved to imitate the coo of the morning dove...so their song always brings a smile to my face and heart. The sun is shining and I cannot believe that this moment is my life. Because of my hardships and pain, I am "extra-sensatized" to beauty and sounds and simple goodness in life. My heart could burst at times...not from the pain...but from the peace. It seems to be now that those of us who need heart transplants and fresh eyesight aren't just the ones sitting in hospital beds waiting for a surgeon. But instead it is those who have no idea that life is truly a gift. Every single day.