Teagan's Birthday.

I'm mixing the pictures up a bit today in this post in memory of Teagan. That top one is a picture of a card that we got from Grandma Karen as we marked Teagan's first birthday in Heaven. I have kept it on a memo board in my kitchen for 5 years now. It hardly seems like it's been that long, but it has.
For me, when I look at pictures of Teagan, or recall memories that we shared, they could have happened yesterday- they are that clear in my mind. Even as I spent time thinking about our birth experience with her and all the changes we made with having our first baby, now 10 years ago today, it hardly feels like it could be so long ago. I remember my thoughts and emotions and how perfect Teagan was when she was born. I remember hardly being able to breathe... probably partly from just having a baby, but truly, she took my breath away. I think it was the way she felt in my arms. I had been so against having a baby in my life, and I was so afraid of not being able to love this baby when it was born. I look back now, and can't believe I wasted so much time stressing about and worrying about something that never happened. Something that couldn't have been further from the reality that took place.
The moment Teagan was placed in my arms, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I was smitten. I would have died on the spot for her. And any of my other kids when they were born too. It just happened naturally to me. Instant, absolute, pure love. I remember trying to fall asleep that first night, (yeah right! Teagan was up squawking for most of it!) and thinking to myself that my heart could burst- I had no idea I was capable of so much love.
There were lots of challenges with Teagan as a newborn in my life. I felt isolated in my home alone most of the day- alone, but with Teagan. As a firsttime Mom, I was nervous to go very far and struggles with figuring out how to do everything...like baths and grocery shopping and stuff I never thought would be an issue. It was tricky. As many of you know, parenthood changes the dynamics of your relationship with your spouse too. There were lots of things we had to adjust to...but as we learned to adapt, I was more and more comfortable with my new role as a mom, and I grew to love this new part of my life every single day.
As Teagan grew, so did I, in many respects. I not only realized how much I loved having kids, but also that I couldn't have been happier than when I was home just being with my family. When I had to go back to work, part-time, Teagan got to come with me to the office and it worked out great, but I realized I just loved being a mom most of all. Through the years, and with a second and third baby, it became a priority of mine to be home full-time. It also costs a lot to have three kids in daycare, so we crunched our budget and made it work so that I could stay home and be with our kids. I loved it.
I thought I 'had it all' when Wyndham was born. We were living in the first home we had bought just months earlier, in a quiet neighborhood with a fenced in back yard. We had great friends, Chip liked his job, we were happy at our church, and life just seemed to be "going our way". Really, it was like that. We stressed once in awhile if we had a car needing a repair, or I wished I could see our family in Minnesota more often, but by and large, things were rosy in our corner of the world.
At three weeks of age, Wyndham had a medical problem...she stopped breathing and we called 9-1-1 and she ended up air-ambulanced to Hurley Hospital in Flint, MI where she spent 5 days in the ICU on a respirator. We were able to bring her home, and although we were all shaken by this incident and concerned and aware of how close we had come to losing her, we were very grateful to have our little family back together again. I felt that God was telling Chip and I to never take what He had given to us for granted- even our kids. So, I didn't. I loved my kids in a 'new way', realizing that they could be gone if something ever happened. I was more protective of them, and yet more patient, because I realized they were kids, and I wouldn't have forever with them. They were growing up and I was aware of how much I just needed to soak up this time with them while they were so young.
I was living that and loving that and thought life had tested me and that I had come through my experience as a better person. I was 'living the good life'. At least the way Chip and I had decided we wanted to live life. Comfortable, secure, happy.
Teagan couldn't have been happier. She followed me around the house all day, or outside, "helping me" and asking questions, playing with Brock and making us all laugh at her antics. She would sing and dance and run and play Barbies and color and paint and just basically had the kind of easy childhood that every kid deserves. She loved being a little girl. She loved her birthdays, and when her fourth birthday came, she said, "I just want to be four forever!". She said it for the next four and a half months, from time to time. I always thought is was unusual that she wanted to stay four, but she held her ground on that wish.
I think about that wish of hers more than anything, each year when her birthday rolls around. I wonder if God made her say that so often, so to ease some of my sorrow in the way that it sort of does. I mean, I have a hope of Heaven. There is no doubt in my mind that Teagan is there. She prayed and asked Jesus into her heart the day before she died just before she ate her lunch. I know that is all God asks of us if we want to gain eternal life- simply believe that Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our sins, and we in return are given everlasting life in Heaven. I believe that He is true to this promise, and since Teagan prayed a little prayer, asking Jesus to come into her heart, I live with the assurance that I will see her again when I die.
That hope, that reality, that even though she is separated from me now I will see her again someday, was the one thought that made my pain bearable when she died. I miss her in my life every single day. Some more than others. Like when I stop and think too long, or when we do something that I know Teagan would have loved doing, or in our family pictures...I always see a 'hole' where she should be. It's true. It hurts more than I could put into words here, at times.
Today Teagan would have turned 10. I have no idea how she would like to style her hair, or what her favorite subject would be in school. I don't know if she would be playing an instrument, or what sport she would like the best. I don't know if she would want a puppy or would have wanted a sleepover with her friends. I don't know what kind of cake she would have had me make; I have no idea what would have topped her birthday wish list of presents. There is so much I don't know, that if I spend too much time thinking about it, I can't type through my tears. And that pain that gets pushed in to a little corner of my soul...it comes at me in full force. It hurts. It's sad and it's not fair that the arms I have that once held her and felt love like no other from the moment she was placed into them, cannot give her a simple, little birthday hug today.
I could go on and on, but I have learned, after celebrating 6 birthdays without her now, that my heart would rather celebrate what I had, and what I still have in life, rather than getting hung up on what I am missing out on. I wouldn't trade the hug I got in that picture above from Teagan that time. And that picture is only one of several hundred hugs around the neck that I got in her 4 short years. The smiles, the laughter, the joy, the challenges, the changes, the ups, the downs, the realization that I was so lucky to have her in my life- and all the blessings that our family has been given since her death- that is what my heart celebrates on Teagan's birthday. I posted a picture of Brock and me from our lunch out today, as a family. I sat there thinking how different things would be if Teagan were here, and really I can't say that I know how things would be for sure.
A part of me knows that I was lucky to not have lost Brock and Wyndham at the same time as Teagan's death. I don't know that I would be the person I am today if that had happened. So, I was thankful for them. And for Chip. And for Isabella who showed up in my life when I thought the timing couldn't have hardly been worse...and yet when she was born {4 days before we marked the first anniversary of Teagan's death} the timing was perfect. She filled my arms again, not that she could replace Teagan, but she diverted some of the sorrow of my soul, and created a new purpose for my pain. I had to look beyond some of my sorrow and embrace what life (I believe God planned her all along) was giving to me. I am thankful for Ava too. She likely wouldn't be in my life if Teagan were still here. Again, I don't know for certain, but Chip and I weren't planning to have a family of five kids. Now we have five, but one is waiting for us in her new home in Heaven.
Sometimes I feel like Teagan can look down and see everything we're doing in life. I don't know if she can for certain; it just feels like it sometimes. I know that if she was watching us today, she would see that we still love her like crazy, that there is a longing in our hearts to know everything about her, and that we can't wait to see her in Heaven someday. In the meantime, we are doing our best to make sure that we remember to laugh and live and love, and to tell others about Heaven. Because we want everyone to have a chance to meet her...and more importantly, to meet God- the one who has changed our hearts forever.
Happy Birthday, Teagan from your whole family on earth. You were celebrated today, and are in our hearts always!