In a funk...running on "e".

I really have 'nothing' today. Or so I thought. I've been running on "E"-as in when the gas gauge is low- so, here it is. A real-life Nitty.Gritty. funk. The thing Maggie-pie (if you're still out there!) wanted to see in me a little more of. =) This is it. Ask Chip. It hit hardest last night. For lots of reasons.
One, being that it's March. I've already blogged about Teagan's upcoming birthday (on the 18th), and as much as I love and adore her (still), it's a tough thing to actually accept the reality that is my life at such times as marking yet another birthday without her. It stinks. I'll put it plain and simple. And the worst part about it is never actually her birthday, but the couple of weeks leading up to it. The whole idea that a day is coming in which I fully intended to party and celebrate and eat and be happy all day with Teagan- my self-proclaimed "queen of parties"- absolutely makes my heart break all over again. That I will never celebrate with Teagan on earth ever again just flat out makes me sad. I will never get over that. Her upcoming birthdate takes me back to the life I once had in which I really lived 'clueless' about how much pain and sadness a person could feel. Although my life wasn't perfect or pain free before, I truly never had anything in my life happen which caused me to grasp the depth of pain that death brings, or that would make me imagine a future that didn't include Teagan in it.
So that's one thing. Another is just the pain of so many others around me and what they are going through in life. It hurts to watch people struggle and not know what to say, or to wish that I could snap my fingers and make it all better. Even more difficult, is to believe and turn to my faith for answers, because it seems at times that God isn't doing His part. And yet I know that He IS at work...I just don't understand His ways or timing as the struggles go on. To even think that God somehow 'owes' someone a particular circumstance or situation in life makes me take a deep breath and step back. God doesn't owe anybody anything. Yet somehow we so easily forget that...and we want to point a finger toward the sky, or beg for some blessing. The fact that any of us has breath is more blessing, mercy and grace than we deserve. I know all that. It's just one of those tough theological realities...and so, I keep trusting.
The part I'm not so good at is waiting and resting. I've not been sleeping well, and I get antsy during the day...as though there is going to be a sign from the sky or that Lake Michigan will suddenly part and things will make sense in my world. It's not the case here this week.
What I do know that I am getting better at is 'snapping out of it' or seeing the little joys in life and using those to little by little, "fill my tank".
That's why I'm posting. I was about to go to bed and skip my blog today. But, as I lay in bed with Ava next to me watching some late-nite 'Spongebob Squarepants', Chip came in with some freshly popped popcorn and I realized that I am a really fortunate person. I have more than I need to be happy in life. I needed a bowl of salty popcorn to make me start counting my blessings again. I had found myself headed down- to a place I've been many times...'the dumps'. Really, I have no idea why I even start going there in the first place. It's no fun. It has never been fun down there in all the years I've been going there from time to time. And yet, I was using every little thing I could think of to climb lower and lower...from a lousy experince at the grocery store standing behind a person who blew his nose every two minutes and touched everything in sight... to a bad haircut (okay, we women DO have a right to complain about that one, right?! Give me a little credit for being crabby)...but the point is, I was going down fast.
Fortunately, I am learning that I really don't want to go that direction- at least not for very long. So, I start making a point of finding good in the day- today it came in the form of a bowl of popcorn. But before that was a phonecall from my mom. And clean kids splashing in the tub. And before that there was fresh fruit at dinner that was the perfect ripeness, and everyone ate their dinner well. There were only two telemarketer calls today, and when I think back on that, in light of the usual count, I realize that is a small cause for celebration too.
And if that's not enough, there is the kisses I gave and received, when the kids woke up and came home from school and as they got tucked into bed. I could sit here and count another hundred things to be grateful and happy about...if I really needed to. The really wonderful thing about running on "E" is that I find my 'gas gauge' operates differently when I'm using the "High Octane" to get my fill. (Remember back on the 'Who fills your cup' post.) I really just need to recognize that when I hit "E", God is 'Enough' for me, and I'm turned around...back on track...and headed in the right direction.
My dad talked at Teagan's memorial service about keeping our eyes on 'the horizon' in order to not feel the impact of our situation swirling and spinning around us. I've never forgotten that advice. Seems he was right then and it's still true today. When I start to lose focus, it's not fun and it's not pretty. The good news is that I am getting more and more into my 'looks' as the years go on...and thankfully my taste in 'style' is improving. And I'm sure if you ask Chip, he'll tell you I'm looking better today than I was yesterday. =)